I'm going to make today a masterpiece. It's 8 am. The first thing I did today was come here to get my daily dose of inspiration. Soon I'll shower and get dressed and go to the Women in Touch meeting at church, then home. I was doing pretty good about not going on the internet all day while the kids are at school, but now this week I've been doing it again. I won't do it today, when I get home I'll do some housework, get something started for supper, and work on some reading materials I have waiting for me. Practice the piano, and then go to my piano lesson.

Wed. March 14-
This morning when I got on the scale it was down to 195! I really started feeling a noticable difference in my size over the weekend and I think my face is losing some of the puffiness. Gotta keep coming here every day and posting something, reading everyone's thoughts, and stay motivated.

Dear Terry: I hope this post finds you doing well today. I wrote a post a few days ago on how I admire all of you for what you have already been doing for yourself. I'm at 161 and have not been able to get any more weight off. As I've told some of you before that I have been on hormone pills for the past ten years and can't keep any of the weight off. Do you know anyone that could give me advice? 8-| 8-|

Hormones and weight...I don't know anything about that but maybe try in the womens issues forum?

This day is what I have. Today I'm going to think positive thoughts. I woke up hearing birds chirping...spring is here! This was the longest, grayest winter I can ever remember but now I'm going to conciously look for reminders that it's finally over...birds singing, flowers popping up, budding trees...

Found out this week that the disease that's been attacking my bladder for the last ten years is now in my bones and other organs, and I have to see a cardiologist and rhuematologist. After years of doctors and tests I just hate the whole thing. I'm NOT going to allow myself to get really depressed with this. I'll just take each thing as it comes and keep living each day the best I can. This day is what I have.

Rise Above.

I am an overcomer. Today I will overcome overeating and depression. I will look at any beauty I can find in this day. Is the sky blue? Are there birds chirping? Do I see any signs of new life pushing up through the earth or budding on the barren trees? I will call a friend and write a letter today. Make supper for my family and appreciate my house where Chip and the kids and I live instead of bemoaning the fact that it's so messy and I can never seem to keep it cleaned up. This is a good day. I'm sitting here happily surfing the net, reading and posting messages. My weight loss has been platued for the last couple of weeks but I have not gained back and I'm still eating less and exercizing more so I know it will start to go down again, and in the meantime I appreciate the 25 lbs. gone already! I found out this week that the disease in my bladder the last 10 years is now moving throughout my body and attacking my bones and heart, but it doesn't really change anything...it's the same disease, it just has a label now. I have to meet new doctors and do more tests and take more pills, but I'm lucky I have insurance and can get the medical care I need. Today is what I have. Rise Above!

Dear Terry - I wanted to leave the following words here with you. They come from Sara Ban Breathnach's "Simple Abundance" and they have helped me through the maze of medical problems in recent years.

"Sometimes we can't make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense. Sometimes, it just is.

But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another day, all shall be well. Even if it's different from what we had expected. Even it it's different from what we had hoped for and believed with all our hearts would happen.

All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well."

(((((HUGS)))))
ThinLynn

Thanks for the words of encouragement Thinlynn. All shall be well...it might not be in the way we wanted. That is so true. As long as I'm bucking against things beyond my control I'll not be at peace. When I accept what I've been given and make the best of this day, that's when all shall be well. This day is what I have, and I'm going to make it a masterpiece! I'm going to ponder my Attitude of Gratitude...a loving family, friends, church, a roof to sleep under and food to eat, my pets (2 dogs and 2 cats), 25 pounds gone so far and know that I'll make it to my goal of losing 50 more.

Terry in case you missed this in my other post I am giving it to you here...we all have times of trouble, things beyond our control..the thing to remember is there is an "opportunity" in all of it and that is what we have to find. Hugs to you I appreciate your upbeat attitude..


Turn it around
The greatest triumphs can rise from the most devastating defeats. When all is lost, there is everything to gain. Never, ever can you be so far down that you're unable to pull yourself back up. There is always a way to transform loss into victory.
Rejoice in the good fortune of having made it through a bad experience and then set to work to turn it around. Not only can it be done, when you do it you'll be creating a triumph of the greatest proportions.

Challenge yourself to be a turnaround specialist in your own life, in your own world. Look for challenging situations and pull the positive possibilities out of them. There are opportunities everywhere. From the mundane to the momentous, every difficulty is ripe with positive possibilities.

Life is filled with energy and far too much of it is negatively directed. Make it your job to redirect the enormous amount of energy around you into positive pursuits, and the world will marvel at what you accomplish.

-- Ralph Marston

All of these wonderful words of encouragement. I just have to add my own. In my family we simply say, "Ain't dead yet, lets keep goin." We started that after an episode of X Files. No matter what horror they are tracking, and the death and distruction around them Scully and Mulder just keep goin. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

What wonderful words of encouragement. I'm going to get some ink for my printer so I can print them out and carry them with me! Today is Monday, I think the 9th of April. It's so warm and sunny outside that I opened my doors and windows! The grass here in Lancaster PA is growing and turning green and there are buds on the trees. Yesterday we went to my parents for their Easter dinner and on the way I saw some tulips and daffodils. We had a nice day painting eggs with my kids and little 5 yr. old nephew. Right now I'm watching Sabrina with Sarah, and after work Chip will go over to school to pick up Joshua from weight training. I'm planning a nice supper. Just living in the moment.

you have such a wonderful positive attitude terry.
i love the fact that you are getting joy from the wonderful things around you. here on the other side of the world i am noticing the weather getting colder and the sky getting greyer.
but i love winter i look forward to snuggling up in warmer clothes and keeping warm. here in australia the weather doesnt get too cold anyway so we have a good life.
keep staying positive and you will get rid of those next 50 pounds.
25 pounds gone forever you are doing so well!
hugs bell :D

Thanks everyone. This is Wednesday. I'm feeling my "thinnest" yet since making the decision to lose weight in December. Been around 190 the last couple of days and my next goal within my mini-goal is to be in the 180's by the end of April. My baby will be 13 next week. Two teenagers. I just can hardly believe it! Yesterday I went to the cardiologist and he said I could have an angiogram but that it wouldn't show up problems caused by lupus. He gave me a prescription for nitrostat to put under my tongue when I get the angina attacks and seems to think it will be the job of the rhuematologist to figure out what is causing the pain. I just wish I didn't have to wait till May to get in with the rhuematologist. The arthritis in my wrist is spreading to the knucles of my fingers and making every little thing I do painful, from holding a tea cup to brushing my teeth. I refuse to give up typing on the computer. This is my link to the world and I need it. :rose:

I'm going to start recording everything I eat in my journal too, that will give me more incentive to keep writing in it every day. I don't have any time left right now, I'm on my way out the door to the doctor, but tonight I want to spend more time on-line. Maybe working on getting the word out about my new online "book". I'm so excited about it! :)

I feel so depressed. It's about 7:30 and I've been feeling really miserable all day. When I got up this morning I didn't feel like getting showered and going out to my women's group at church, but I knew if I stayed home I'd be mad at myself. So I went, and after I got there it was alright. Then I came home and felt so tired that I took a long nap, I havent' done that in a long time. I used to sleep all day long when I was so depressed before I was in the hospital last year. I don't want to start that again, but it was that depressed haze where I just can't keep my eyes open. I promised Sarah I'd take her shopping and get her a summer outfit for her birthday, but when she came home I could hardly get the ambition to get in the car and drive to Fashion Bug. But agian I forced myself to do it. Once we got there I felt ok, and even got myself a new outfit...size 18 (the last time I got new clothes I was 24). We went to McDonalds and I had a salad and one of the new triple thick milkshakes. Then I said I wanted to walk when we got home but she had to run down to the neighbors for something and I sat down at the computer, and now this depression sucking me down again. I don't know what it is. I haven't been feeling good so maybe that's part of it, my hands hurting, and I've been getting chest pain all week. Tuesday Chip and I were walking at the mall and I overdid and lost my breath and practically fell over, then I used that nitrostat for the chest pain. It helped right away but gave me one hell of a headache. And then by evening the chest pain was back and I still had the headache. Now today the pains been nagging me, and I don't want to use the nitrostat. I get so, so frustrated. I have to wait to get treatment for my hands becuase the rhuematologists are backed up. I seem to always have something that can't be fixed. I just get so tired of it all. But the depression is what cripples me the most. I could have high levels of pain but if I feel ok emotionally it's ok. I just don't know what to do. Rambling on and on about it isn't going to make it any better. I think I'll just get off the computer. What should I do. I don't feel like doing anything.

Terry...depression is awful. Would it help to get some sunlight? If you get the type of depression where you wake up early in the morning, you could try to get your exercise then. I find that exercise first thing in the morning really helps to elevate my mood. You have been going through some very difficult challenges and you have been achieving a great weight loss in spite of them. Try to reflect on what you have accomplished. Keep going out and seeing other people. See if you can get some meds for your depression. I will think good thoughts on your behalf.

Thanks Arsty. I know getting some sun and exercize are great for fighting depression. I didn't do that yesterday. I have meds for depression. 800 mg. nuerontin 3X a day, 45 mg. remeron at bedtime, and 25 mg. immiprimine at bedtime. Last year when I got out of the hospital they had me so drugged up my bowels quit working. I kept telling them I couldn't take all those pills, there were 12 different prescriptions. They would say I had to take it or I'd end up right back in the hospital again. My belly was getting bigger and bigger and finally I hadn't "pooped" in 7 days and I could hardly roll over. I'd try and flip my stomache over, like I was about 6 months pregnant. I started to get really bad pain and thought forget this psychiatrist. I went to see my urologist who told me to take 3 enemas at once. I did, and started using metamucil, but then nothing. My bowels just weren't working. So I threw out half the pills. I was told I'd go into seizures. My eyes felt really weird for about 3 weeks, everything would swing around when I moved my eyes. But no seizures and then I started feeling better.

I am just so tired of everything. It's 6:20 am. I didn't sleep well at all last night, and now I feel the depression already this morning. I don't know how to fight it off. I guess I just need to keep telling myself I won't always feel like this, eventually it lifts. It's just that when I feel this bad it seems like I'll never be ok. I don't feel like doing anything.

I was up at 4 again this morning. Instead of just laying awake in bed I got up and online. The webpage is alot of work, and draining to write. But I'm glad it's started. I'm getting an outpouring of e-mail from desperate people with IC, begging for help and advice. I'm not sure why they think I can help them, I'm not a doctor and I'm in the same boat. So I just write back and tell them all I have to offer is my story. And that seems to be what they want. How did you feel after cysto/hydro, what meds help you, what all have you tried...many like me have never had a remission. I think mostly what people want is to not feel alone, to know someone out there has exerienced what they are going through. This morning I don't feel so sucked in by the depression, maybe today will be an ok day! Yesterday was miserable. I was extremely out of breath all day and finally just went to bed, laying on my side curled against a pillow on my stomache seemed to help. The heart rate gets way up there and I breathe faster, but it's hard to keep the balance. I can't tell if I'm hyperventilating or not breathing enough, I try to slow down but feel like I need more air so I let it speed up but that's uncomfortable too. I was having so much chest pain but didn't bother with the nitrostat, that stuff gives me a headache that won't quit! I think today is going to be a better day. Yeah, it will be. I'll take Sarah over to the video store and we'll get a movie for tonight. Maybe Chip and I will go to the grocery store. I'm gonna do bills and get the kids to help me clean up this house. Maybe I'll work some more on my webpage, and if its nice out maybe I'll go for a walk. I also got a new book that I'm looking forward to, a love story. I haven't read anything fun in awhile. We could play N64, just got a four player puzzle game. What a nice day, so many possibilities. I won't let depression or pain steal anything from me today. I'm happy to fit into a size 18, just got a new outfit for summer this week. The last time I bought myself new clothes I was a size 24. I only buy clothes if I have nothing to wear, and that time I remember Chip took me to get some stuff because I had gained so much that none of my stuff fit anymore. Hey, even my wrists are getting smaller, I had to buckle my watch a notch tighter. It's not too late to go back to bed and get a couple of more hours sleep. I think I'll do that so I'm rested for all the things I want to do today.

Hi Terry, I know you have your good days, and your bad days, but you are not giving up. Sometimes it is hard to separate depression from our bodies real need due to physical health concerns. Your attitude should serve you well. Rest when you need to rest. Take full advantage of the good days. Keep after those doctors. Sometimes you really need a whole team to really make progress, and there is nothing to do, but have keep chipping away at it. It is wonderful when you can say, this is a physical problem, not an emotional one. But you really do have some problems, and as long as you are working on them, and don't give up on yourself and your life, then you are doing really well. And we will pray for a remission for you. Keep up the good fight.

Terry, good for you for getting up so early in the morning to get something done. The worst thing about depression is the way it makes you want to just lie there, stewing about everything but not doing anything. You are a fighter. Are you having fun with the size 18s?

Yeah, I got the one new outfit but I want to get some more, probably this week. Go through my closet and get rid of things that are too big. Yesterday I was wearing one of my old size 24's and was going for a walk with my son. He said, mom, you really lost a lot of weight. Your pants are dragging on the ground! LOL! I never knew pants got longer as you lost weight.

I'm on a stupid emotional roller coaster, my feelings can change from one minute to the next. Alot of the time it's just what I'm thinking inside my own head, but other times my husband or someone else might say or do something to change my mood. Yesterday afternoon I went for my usual walk, which has not been that easy to do lately with the chest pains and everything. It was the first really warm day we've had this Spring and I really mind the heat the last couple of years. I started getting pain and sweating and feeling really weak, didn't think I'd make it home. Finally I drag myself in the front door and flop on the couch and Chip starts yelling at me why do you push yourself like that. Right away I started that hopeless thinking, like if I don't try to get some exercize, nothing will ever change, but if I do my body can't take it. I know I should have taken a shorter walk but I'm so sick of modifying everything I do in life. I just want to do all the things I used to. It's like my world keeps getting smaller and smaller while more limitations are placed on me.

Today will be a good day. The sun is shining already this morning, I hear some birds out there. The windows are open and the air smells so clean and fresh. I have a good book I'm reading, and I want to make chicken pot pie for supper. I'm only going to allow myself to think positive thoughts. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Hey Terry, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Sending positive thoughts in your direction (hope they help).
(and pants get longer as you get thinner cos your butt gets smaller.)
Love chuckles

Stay strong. Think positive thoughts. Make today a masterpiece. This is going to be a good day. I always like Tuesdays because Chip has off and we run around together, having lunch and going to the mall and then therapy. I look forward to therapy too, sometimes I can hardly wait to get there, I'm fighting off urges to call my therapist in between! Sometimes I do call her, but I don't want to rely too much on her. I have a new friend, Sandi, that I talk to on the phone and write letters back and forth. The good old fashioned kind of letters with paper and pen. She doesn't have e-mail. I wonder what I'd do without my computer! But I've only had it less than a year, and I was one of those people who had no idea what e-mail even was. I'd be someplace and people would be passing around notebooks getting e-mail addresses, and I'd just have no clue. I love the internet! It's brought me so much, connecting with the world, and just being able to research anything by typing in some words, I think it's even better than the library. In addition to getting information from various sources, I just get so much from message boards, talking to real people...sometimes real people with real life experience can teach you so much more than what you read in a book.

Hi Terry...sounds like you are feeling a little bit better this morning, and I hope you have a great day "out and about" today. Make the most of it while you are feeling better. I am glad you have a new friend in your life....nothing beats a good friend. Has your therapist noticed your weight loss?

Hi Artsy, yeah, yesterday was a better day, and today I'm not being sucked in by depression either! My therapist has noticed the weight loss, she mentioned it awhile back and then a couple of times since, looks like you lost more weight. I saw you hit 300 posts, I'm right behind you! Today I have a couple of things to do, and then tomorrow I go the the rhuematologist. They called and said they had recieved several calls from my doctor wanting me to be seen earlier, and they finally moved my appointment up. Otherwise I'd still have to wait another whole month. Last night my fingers were so swollen I got scared the rings were cutting off the circulation. Sarah tried to get them off me as I held my hands under cold water, but we couldn't. They had been tight when I weighted 226, but I could still get them off. Now I weigh 190 and they are stuck!!! I guess it's the arthritis. I'm so aprehensive about this rhuematologist. I've seen so many doctors over the years and never got worked up about it like this one. I have to run up to my family doctor today and pick up copies of some of my medical records that could relate to lupus. In fact, it's time to log off and go get dressed and start my day. It's going to be a GOOD day!

Got my records. They are so sad. I'm used to my life, I guess it just kind of gradually sneaked up on me. But to see what's been recorded since 1990 beginning innocently enough with just a kidney infection is scarey. I was a normal 145 lbs. No meds. Then almost a week after the kidney infection I ruptured a disc in my lower back and had emergency surgery. I bounced back pretty quickly except for some frequent urination. No meds, normal weight. Then in 1991 the IC started. That was a circus of being shuffled from doctor to doctor until the diagnosis was made and now I was on regular meds. Depression set in, so I had a psychiatrist and urologist with meds from each. Another back surgery in 1995 with poor results. Now in addition to IC and depresson I have numbness and pain in feet, need a cane to walk. The depression is growing as is my size. Finally in 1999 and 2000 were 2 suicide attempts. My weight is up to 226 and I'm on 12 different meds around the clock. My bowels quit working. More and more things are going wrong. In Feb. 2001 I have heart problems and arthritis. I'm referred to yet more specialists, a cardiologist and rhuematologist. If things are this bad and I'm 36, I wonder what I'll be like as a senior citizen? It's like a little snowball at the top of a hill, you get it rolling and it starts going faster and getting bigger, eventually taking on a life of it's own that no one can stop. Wouldn't it be something if I lost all the weight and went off all the pills and the pain went away and I went to work and had a regular life. A normal life. We talked about this yesterday in therapy. What's a normal life? I don't know. It's been so long since I was normal I wouldn't even know how to act. I don't know what I want, what would make me feel good. I know I need to feel productive. Right now just making my webpage gives me a sense of being able to reach out to people on the internet who need to know they are not alone in their suffering. Well, I guess just keep on going one day at a time, and keep working on that attitude! Keep positive. Look for the good things each day. Even though right now I'm feeling sucked into the depression a bit more than earlier in the day, I'm not going to be overcome by it. Yesterday Carol said to try the deep breathing exercizes. So I will. I'm so good at telling how miserable I am, but don't often want to take the advice. Today I'm going to try the advice.

Kudos for you for taking some advice. It is so refreshing to see somebody TRY like you are trying. As you may have noticed, I love making suggestions and it is amazing how most people will just say..."no...can't...won't...couldn't" etc. I have come to the conclusion that lots of people love their problems and they don't want to solve them. I try to figure that out earlier than I used to so that I don't get burnt out trying to help people with problems they secretly like.

Now, on the other hand, you are a person who is trying everything and I take my hat off to your perserverence.

Hey, a new icon. What is that funny blue face with the buggout eyes? He's quivering. This site is so much fun, and just checking in each day keeps me focused on my goal and motivated to continue. I weighed 185 this morning and it feels great to be getting this weight off. Ten more pounds to reach my second mini-goal. Then there's one more mini-goal before I start working on the last 5 pounds. I think if I continue to lose 2 pounds a month I can be at my goal size by Christmas, and I started my weight loss journey this past Christmas. FOCUS. I must stay focused. Still struggling with this confounded depression. There for awhile I'd wake up with it in the morning, now I'm having good mornings but it starts to suck my in by late afternoon and early evening. I don't know what causes it. Chip know's I feel better if I can just get out of the house or call someone on the phone. Yesterday he actually called my friend Sandy and told her I was in bad shape and needed to talk and then handed me the phone. The stupid thing is, I know what helps me, but the depression makes me NOT want to get up off the couch or see people. It's just so irrational and doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I have to call the rhuematologist this morning, my blood tests are finally back.

You are so focused and determined Terry. I hope your blood tests suggest some type of treatment or therapy that will help you feel better. I imagine all your weight loss must be contributing positively to your health. I hope your doctor is suitably impressed! Have a good afternoon Terry.

Yes, FOCUS is the word of the day. I must keep my eye on the goal, while living in the moment. Today will be a masterpiece. It's the only day I have and it will be as good as I make it. Yesterday was an excellent day, I felt great emotionally all day, no depression. Chip and I spent the day together doing our regular Tuesday thing. He goes back to work on Monday after being home sick since the middle of April with severe mononucleosis. I didn't know it could be so dangerous, but mostly college age kids get it and it is harder when you are almost 40. His liver and spleen and tonsils all became enlarged and inflamed with jaundice and high fevers for a month. He's still weak but the doctor said he wouldn't be 100% for 6 months. He was never sick with anything besides colds and flus in the 16 years of our marriage. We each got a taste of what the other goes through, him with the constant suffering and not being able to do what he wants, and me with the stress and worry. Well, as much as I had having chronic illness, I'd rather be the sick one. It's way more stress to have to worry about him, and do everything because he can't. I said it was harder for me to cope with him being sick because none of my problems went away so I still had my own struggles plus the new ones. But then he pointed out that it's harder for him to cope with me because he gets so tired working full-time plus over-time to make ends meet plus worry and stress over my problems. So I guess we just understand each other alot better now becasue of mononucleosis! We were so blessed that our church paid our bills and brought us food and prayed and sent cards, called and talked...they are so great! It's like a huge family.

So, FOCUS. Today I will not overeat. I will only eat when I'm hungry and not eat to full. I will go for my walk and maybe even do the steps too. I will do some housework, and I will not allow myself to give in to the depression if it comes. If it does, I will force myself to make that phone call and reach out and talk to someone. Because I know my pattern is to not call, but I also know when I do I instantly feel better. I will make today a masterpiece! *

Thursday morning. Looks like it might rain. The president is coming to town tomorrow morning! My mom wants to try to see him, the helicopter will be flying right over her house, but I said you probably won't get near enought to hear him speak, there will be secret service men all over the place. I got two new games for my gameboy this week and they are so much fun. Yesterday it's all I wanted to do after I got my things done like my walk, get supper ready, go over to church in the morning, and post at DT. Today I have a womens group in the morning. I'll post here for awhile yet, then get ready and go to that. Come home for lunch and then Chip nad I want to go over to Denver to walk around the antique shops. I don't want to get anything, I already have too much clutter, but it will just be fun to walk around. He goes back to work on Monday morning and then life will go back to normal. He's been home for a month now, but feeling pretty good this week. Tomorrow we need to sit at the table and see what bills are on the desk, see what's in the checkbook, and revise our budget. I feel ok this morning. Had a pretty bad night with my bladder, but emotionally I'm not being sucked down. I just wish I know what did that to me. I guess it's just a chemical imbalance like they tell me. But that doesn't make it any easier when it strikes. Carol (my therapist) did congratulate me for staying out of the hospital last month when I was falling apart when Chip was so sick. I kept calling her and spent alot of the time crying and having no interest in any of the things I like to do. But now my interest in my gameboy hobby is really coming back. Maybe I'll get the gumption to get my house cleaned and organized, get rid of the clutter! Today I want to go for my walk AND go up and down the steps. I'd like to be in the 180's by June. Last night on my walk Joshua went along and he said, Mom, you are getting so much thinner and I told him I lost 40 so far and want to lose 40 more. I told him I figured out that if I lose 2 pounds a month I'll be at goal by Christmas, but he said that couldn't be, it would be 2 pounds a week to get 40 more off in 20 weeks. I don't know where my brain is. I must be brain dead. And here I told someone else that in a reply to her post, but I forget who it was. She's probably thinking, huh? 8-|

Hi Terry. Glad to see you are out and about and that Chip is improving and going back to work next week. I thought you did mean "losing 2 pounds a week until Christmas" and I thought "what an optimistic goal". However, 4 pounds a month would take you down another 24 pounds by Christmas, and you would be almost there. You are doing so well...enjoy the journey.

Enjoy the journey. What a great thought. I do need to just concentrate on today and not worry about months down the road. Plus after I get to goal, I'll get used to it and it won't be as exciting...I won't be getting the comments anymore like I am now. Last night Chip and I were in the bathroom getting ready to go out for our walk and my shorts were falling off. He's like, those pants dont' fit you! You are just losing so much weight! Well that just made my day. And even though it seems so slow now, the weight is still rearanging or something so even if I'm the same weight this week as last week, I still look and feel a little smaller. Especially my face. I was a little surprised when I looked in the mirror the last couple of times, that fat puffiness is really going down! Well, enough about that.

Today will be a good day because I will make it that way. No matter what comes my way, I will be centered in my faith in God. I'm going to think about what my friend Sandy asked me last night on the phone. What can you add to your day that is positive? She said, I know you've started walking every day and that's great. What's one more "little" positive thing you can add? I'm thinking of adding prayer. I mean, as long as I've had faith in God and read the Bible, I've just never prayed very much. I could pray positive statements back to God, such as, God, you promised to always be there for me. Let me feel Your Presence. Or, God, thankyou for this day. Let me serve You today. Maybe a good way to get started with this would be to start out my journal each morning with a written prayer. I just love the idea of this online journal. It's even better than a personal journal because I know someone will read it and I'll pop in here in the morning and have a message from someone. I think it keeps me accountable too, to really make every effort I can to keep on top of this confounded depression thing. Also, last night I was thinking of adding things to my weigh-in journal...what exercize I did and what I ate. I think I mentioned that before but never did it. Or I could Start a separate exercize and food journal because I only update my weigh-in page when I've seen another drop. Yeah, I think I'll do that. I was wondering how many pages long these things can get before the first messages start dropping off. Does anyone know?

Ok, I know this is the second entry for today, but I just started my exercize and food chart, and now I want to get started today on my praying. No sense waiting till tomorrow to start something positive, today is what I have!

Dear God,
I love You so much and praise Your Name. You've promised to always be there for me and I want to remember that today. Thankyou for the rain out there today, we really needed it. I thank you for all you've blessed me with....my family, a house to live in, plenty of everything I need. Today I ask that you will clear my mind so I don't feel like I'm in a fog. Oh God, please don't let the depression come today, and if it does don't let it suck me down. The depression has been more crippling to me than the IC or back stuff...and when I start that negative thinking about the arthritis in my hands or whatever, turn my thoughts to You! I pray that you will help me continue to eat less and exercize more, and that I'll be able to lose another 40 pounds. Thankyou for the 40 pounds gone already!

Dear God,
As I wake up and face a new day I pray that I'll take You along with me. Help me to see You in everything, the trees and sky and birds, people, what I read...Thankyou for a new day. I love You with all my heart. Amen.

Saturday: Today I'm going to the pokemon trading card leaque with Sarah, we haven't been there since Chip got sick! He still wont let me drive the car since I passed out driving down the highway. And I'm glad he's driving today, I had a miserable night. One of those nights filled with peeing and trouble breathing. I used the nitrostat and it worked right away, but then the chest pressure and short of breath just came back. It was so bad I almost thought of going to the ER but I just dread that. Plus we're getting bills for thousands of dollars from that week I was in and out with this problem. I just don't know what to do when I feel like that, I tried breathing in a paper bag in case it was hyperventilation, I tried to slow down but then I needed more air. I don't know how to tell if I feel like that because I'm hyperventilating and they told me in the hospital there's no way to tell without going to the ER. It's so frustrating.
They didn't think it was panic attack but the tachycardia makes you need more oxygen. What is causing my heart to race? I wish I knew. The rhuematologist was no help. Ok, enough about that. I'm not going down the negative thinking path today. It's going to be a good day, a masterpiece. I have a new book to read called the Ragamuffin Gospel and my best friend Sandy is reading it too and we are going to start a book study once a week, read a chapter and then get together to discuss insights. After the leaque I'll come home and work on laundry and some housework, then read a little. Tonight play gameboy! What a nice day. I bet I'll be tired this afternoon and want a nap. If that happens I won't beat myself up but just take a short rest. I don't like to sleep during the day becuase I wake up being sucked down by depression. I'm pretty sure something changes in my brain when I sleep. I want to ask my therapist about that.

Dear God, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou that that nasty depression isn't getting me even though I feel pretty bad physically. I love you and only want to serve you. Maybe I can get in to the nursing home some day this week and visit my residents. I keep saying I want to get back to doing that, but then I just don't. I praise you for who you are. You are everything everywhere and you know all. Please help me to be ok emotionally today. That's the thing that cripples me the most. Amen.

Getting ready for church, I just got about 15 minutes for a little internet time. Then I want to go somewhere nice for lunch, and then play gameboy (my new Zelda games) and take a walk. It's going to be a great day because I'm doing positive things. Writing a prayer, filling in my food/exercize journal. I had some very severe bladder spasms during the night, as bad as it gets, and it seemed like it would never stop. My whole body was shaking and moaning and hyperventiling. But finally I slept good and woke up refreshed although I looked horrible in the mirror. I lost like 8 pounds since Friday with this pounding/racing heart, black circles around my eyes...unfortunately the weight will come back, it's happened before...just temporary...probably by Wed. I'll be back to what I was or maybe a pound less. I couldn't breath all night Friday and all day yesterday and missed my walk. Missed the pokemon tournament because in the car on the way I just felt so sick and we turned around and came home. I did a couple of loads of laundry, swept the floor with a broom and lightly scoured the toilets and sink but was shaking and sweating so bad Chip kept telling me to go lay down. Which I did all day, couldn't tolerate much more than laying down. But today the pressure is off my chest and I'm breathing easy. I followed through with making a doctor appt. that Carol said I had to do. Chip and I sat at the table and plowed through the bills and got that stuff organized before he goes back to work on Monday. I'll miss having him around. After he started feeling better it was kind of nice. The birds are chirping and it looks a little sunnier than it has in a couple of days. We've been having gray skies but no rain which we really need. Richard (from here) and I have become good friends and when I get up in the morning I fire up my laptop while eating my breakfast and then check my e-mail for a letter from him. I respond or send one to him first if he hasn't already, and then here. After that I surf around to gameboy message boards. This morning I don't have any surfing time, we will be going out the door to church any minute. In fact, I have to go look for my shoes!

Terry I think you are such a brave person.. You are an inspiration, you are a true warrior. The things you are going through but then you get right back up keep pushing ahead. I have to tell you.. I'm more like you lately. I had a good talk with BevBigBones the other day..I was kinda down when I first talked with her and after a while went out for a walk, thought about what we had talked about. It's strange what effect a friendship can have on you..Better than a psychiatrist. My problems are so little compared to yours but bad enough to get me down also.. We have to look ahead..prepare for the best or prepare for the worst.. Thankyou Terry for keeping this journal..I'm so happy you are doing better today...

Keep going! I think this journal is really a great idea You Go Girl! :)You have a great attitude. We're about as happy as we make ourselves out to be. So when the going gets tough, lets talk about it, and move on! :)

I hope you have a great day today, Terry. My back/hip injury is killing me today, but I decided I am going to try Somatics to see if it helps. I need to do something in the long run. I don't know what is causing the pain...chiropractor helps somewhat, but my body is just out of balance and I keep reinjuring the spot. Anyways, I know that this is a very minor problem compared to what you have, so I am determined to deal with it and stop whining.

Thanks for the comments.

Dear God,
Thankyou for a new day. You have promised to be with me always so I never need to feel alone. You are awesome, I love you so much. Since I started praying I have not felt the awful emotional pain, and today I ask again that You will help me. I've been seeing so much more beauty than ever. Just last night going for a walk, as I walked under a tree a breeze kicked up and rustled the leaves, and I just felt so happy. I pray for the joy that comes from being grounded in You, and I lift a special prayer for all who come here to DT. Amen.

Yesterday was really nice. We went to church and then the choir had a luncheon. In the afternoon I took a nap and then played gameboy. Then in the evening we went to Praise and Worship, and took a walk afterward. A little more gameboy, and then bed. Slept well. No depression. Chip went back to work today. It's raining which we really needed.

Terry,

I have a friend who is a minister, and one of his assignments while in divinity school was to go through the Bible and find out what passage occurs most often. It was a year-long assignment, and he took it very seriously. What he found has become a great comfort to him, and now me. The phrase that occurs the most frequently in the Bible is:
"And it came to pass..." Think about that. It came to pass, it didn't come to stay. Change is constant, what feels horrible and unbearable today can shift in a moment and become something we can look back on and learn from. Sometimes when we are walking through a difficulty it feels like it will never get better. But it came to pass.
I think you are doing so wonderfully. You are a positive person with a horrible condition, but the truth is that while the disease can ravage your body, it can not take away one bit from the you that is beautiful and kind and hopeful. Try to focus on the positive, what we focus on expands. Phil 4:8 Love, Heather

Well, I don't much feel like writing in here today, but it's a positive habit I'm trying to develope and a discipline, so I'll do it.

Dear God, I ate so much chips and sour cream, macaroni salad and even in the night...woke up with a full stomache and heartburn and a headache. Maybe I better start asking for help to follow my weight loss plan. I love you and praise you. Yesterday when I went out to the shed I noticed silver rain drops laying on the leaves of my bleeding hearts...it was so pretty and I saw You. I've been seeing You and thinking about You more this last while. You promised to go with me as I walk through this life. Please give me the courage to live. Amen.

Ok. I did it. I filled in my food and exercize chart, and wrote my prayer, and now this one sentence jounal entry. That's all I'm willing to do. For right now. I'm off to my gameboy message board for some fun.

I've been sick for over a week and not been keeping up with everyone. I'm so glad your hubby is back on his feet. It sounds like you are doing real well. Keep up the good work.

Terry, I admire your warrior spirit! Never give up, girl! You will do this! I appreciate that you posted anyway, even thought you didn't feel like it. That is exactly how we are going to get through this, by practicing until they become habits! You go, girl!! *

Well I know this is a suprise that I replyed to your journal. Terry I thank you for your friendship and am glad that we have become good friends. Remember that God is always with you no matter how you feel.(I know I should practice what I preach) Even though you ate too much yesterday don't mean you have to do it today. Get back on the wagon and just start doing it. You can do it. God always gives you reasons to live take a look around and see. I will be praying for you. <IMG SRC="smilies/help.gif" border="0">

Just wanted to stop by and offer a hug. I hope this is a good week for you, Terry! Love, Heather

Terry...one bad day doesn't make any difference in the long run. You are the fearless woman who has lost 40 pounds so far this year. Just get on track and that bad day will be a distant memory. You know what to do!

Wow! Thanks so much for rooting for me, so much encouragement. Yesterday was a good day.

Dear God, thankyou for today, the sun is shining. We had our much needed rain and the flowers are so beautiful. Thankyou for the friends you bring to me through so many ways, the interet here at DT, church, neighbors, even people I see at the checkout at Wallmart or the grocery store. I don't even think we are aware of how many people are in our lives. People need people. Today I ask for Your help to stick to eating less and exercizing more. I ask that You will be with me at every moment and don't let the depression get me. Show Yourself to me. I praise Your Name. Amen.

I feel great today emotionally! I think I'm really changing my outlook, mostly by starting my day with writing in my journal! Telling myself affirmations and starting with prayer. Keeping track of what I eat and the exercize I do. By making commitments and keeping them. Building discipline. Chip has off again today and we have a nice day planned. After I get back from counseling with Brad (our pastor) we are going out for lunch and then just run around together. Tonight I want to play gameboy...last night when I got back from a day of doctors I layed down to play and was so tired I just ended up going to bed early. It was a good day, I got some meds rearanged and only got one new one...said exactly what I wanted. I said I wanted better pain control but no narcotics, no meds that make me feel hung over in the morning or drowsy during the day. Dr. Playfoot wanted me to go to yet another specialist and I told him I just wanted him to take care of it...NO MORE new doctors, but he convinced me to do it so I'll be going to Hershey Medical Center sometime in the future. I was there before, and the University of PA. Even with the "big guns" there is still no cure. But at least we can be confident that everything is being done that can be done. I've been getting e-mails from a woman who is really suffering with IC and she had been reading my book and was wondering when I would start working on it agian. So if it truly is helping someone, I feel like I still want to do it. I'll be getting started hopefully today sometime. Well, I gotta go get a shower soon and get ready to go.

Dear God, Thankyou for today. I love you with all my heart. Today I ask that You will keep me from depression, that I'll be able to stick to my eating and exercize plans. I'd like to lose another 40 lbs. and I'm on a plateau again. It seems so slow, but it has been going down so I need to just remember that and never give up and never give in. Thankyou for Janice who has IC and sent me an e-mail encourageing me to continue working on my page. If this is something You want me to do so other IC sufferers won't feel alone, then I will do it. But You know I'd really been feeling bogged down by it and considering just abandoning the project. Please help me with it. In fact, each day that I work on it Brad encouraged me to pray first, so I can do that here in this journal! Amen.

I feel ok emotionally today. Not planning on too much. Just internet stuff today and then pick up Joshua from school, make supper, go for walk and then play gameboy. That's it for today.

Dear God, thankyou for today and thankyou for all the many things in my life (I'm always grateful for the people, today I'm thinking of what the computer has brought to my life and in a way, my laptop in my lap brings people into my life that I would never have known or met.) I just have so much and I forget to be grateful most of the time. Actually, I complain of having too much and my life is cluttered and overwhelming. Isn't it something that some people in the world are starving and can't get enough food, while I on the other hand, have too much food and try to eat less. Hmm...well, God, I thankyou that I have pleny, more than enough. Today, I pray that you will help me eat and exercize like a "normal" person, doing the things I'll be able to maintain the rest of my life even after I reach goal weight. Thankyou for 40 pounds gone. Seems like I've been around the same weight for awhile now, please help me lose the last 40. I know that with You I can do it. Thankyou for DT. Probably I would have lost interest long ago, but coming here keeps me motivated. Amen.

Today I plan on being on the internet, posting at my favorite sites and then working on my page. I got it started again yesterday, not much, but enough to make it easier to try it again today. Then I'll make supper, do a little housework and go for a walk. Then play gameboy. My pokemon center gameboy advance arrived in the mail yesterday! I spent the evening trying out different games to see if they were any different on it than gameboy color. Dont have any advance games yet, they will be released here next month so no use importing a game I can't read in Japanese. Anyway, I'm feeling ok emotionally, did all my first things online like my journals and e-mails. Now it's on to "fun" things...posting at IGN.com and DMG Ice about GAMEBOY! What a great hobby. Also a great escape from pain. I had chest pains yesterday all day. Now today they are gone! My bladder didn't keep my up all night either! Today is going to be a good day. Richard and I tell each other that every morning. Affirmations. Maybe I can avoid the next major depression by changing my thinking patterns and my outlook on life. By realizing that I'll have to live with physical pain and problems and to adjust...BEFORE I get overwhelmed, slow down. Don't just keep pushing so that the pain takes over and my mood plummets. Do little things to make life easier...bring water when I'll be doing alot of talking so the dry mouth doesn't annoy me. Make sure I bring along my slippers so I don't have to have the added discomfort of my cold feet. Take my pills, go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Have rituals that get my day off to a good start (like this journal, prayer, and food/exercize/weight charts) Read my Bible some every day for spiritual well-being. Talk to people. I need people. I could be feeling so miserable, adn then get a phone call of see a neighbor and feel so much better. I guess the thing I'm trying to say is, take care of myself. And start an attitude of gratitude journal. That will be the third separate one I have here in the journals section.

Dear God, thankyou that I haven't been feeling nearly as depressed although that thing about not wanting to answer to phone or make phone calls is really strong right now. I pray today that you will help me exercize more and eat less, and that I will call my sister who has been leaving me messages every day. I praise you for Who You Are! You are my everything. Amen.

Tuesday. I don't think I've been here in a couple of days. Ever since I got my new GBA imported from the Pokemon Center in Japan, all I've wanted to do is read about it and post about it on the internet! Over the weekend we were at my in-laws for a picnic and I ate way, way too many sweets. And I felt horrible but not depressed. Also, it's been rainy here nad I hadn't been getting my walk in. I'm ready to buckle down and get to work on losing the last half of my weight.

Go, Terry, go!! Glad to hear that you are still fighting the good fight and that you are going to focus on the rest of your weight loss journey. By the way, what is this Pokemon gadget you referred to in the previous post? Sounds like it is a little addicting (in a fun way). Take care a have a great day.

Artsy, it is the latest handheld Nintendo video game system. It will be released in the US in 2 weeks. But I wanted the limited edition one that is only available in the 2 Pokemon Centers in Japan so I imported.

Well God, it's another day. I woke up feeling ready to greet the day and I praise You for this day. Thankyou for a good nights sleep, that I could do my walk last night, and for a good day yesterday. Today I'd like to lift up Vicky and ask that she will have a secure teaching position by next school year. Also that you will bring that special someone to her life. Amen.

Today is going to be a good day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. I have friends, a home, and a family. Very grateful. I think I'm going to combine my other 2 topics into this one...it's getting overwhelming to think about all the things I gave myself to do so I'll just combine. That's what I always do when I start feeling better emotionally, keep adding and adding until I'm overwhelmed and then I don't feel like I can do it anymore. Oh, I'll add steps to my walk. I want to go to this Bible study and this group and do this that and the other thing.

cereal, milk
piece of shoo fly pie
1/2 hamburger and 2 chips
ham and cheeze sub light on the ham and cheeze, apple sauce
1 serving pack cookies

OK Terry...something I have always wanted to know..what is shoo fly pie? And while you are at it, do you know what apple pan doughty is too? The words to that song are going to be going through my head all day and it is all your fault!! Hope you have a great day. Don't be overwhelmed with things...just quit doing some of the things you planned if it seems to much. Discipline is moderation, too.

Discipline is moderation. I like that. I've been working on trying to get moderation for years. I'm an all or nothing person.

Shoe fly is a Pennsylvania Dutch pie. It has a gooey bottom made with mollases and a dense cake like top with crumbs. Good with vanilla ice cream. As you probably know, Pennsylania Dutch food is very fattening. Many if not most of the Mennonite mothers are overweight. But we know how to eat good around here LOL! (I'm not Mennonite although my father was before he was married).

I don't know about that thing in your song. How are you doing Artsy?

Dear God. Thankyou for another day that I looked forward to getting up out of bed. This laptop computer gives me a reason! I boot it up and then take my pills and get my cereal and tea ready, turn on the news and eat while dialing the internet. Then I check my e-mail and come here first. After that I check out my gameboy sites or just surf around until it's time to get dressed and go somewhere. Thankyou that I could do my 1/2 hour walk last night and that my leg didn't go numb like the night before. I told Chip I couldn't go through another back surgery but I guess that was an overreaction since in the morning my leg was alright again. I just remembered the last time it did that. God, please help me to be moderate in my eating, exercizing, thinking, in everything I do. Oh, thanks for allowing me to enjoy my gameboy hobby. I guess that's dumb to say but Youn know when I'm depressed I don't feel like doing everything. Also, thanks for relieving the depression recently. I've had a pretty long run of good days. I think writing in this journal, praying, and walking are helping tremendously. Many mornings I don't feel like bothering with this, it can be like a chore, but I make myself. Please in addition to the moderation allow me to discipline myself. Or do I ask You to give me discipline? Oh God. I love You. You have always been there for me, and when I don't come to You (too much of the time) You are still waiting, wanting to welcome me into Your arms. Thanks for my friend Sandy. Amen.

cereal, milk
catfish, potatoe, salad/thousand Island, pudding
banana
hamburger on a roll
2 saltines

Today I just plan on internet until my doctor appt. Chip and I have been getting along so well, talking and really sticking together. Sarah has been giving us so many problems and we talk and try to figure out what we can do about it. The scarey thing is she is just getting started with her teenage years. I try talking to her and doing things with her, but I know she's lying to me about stuff. We are also very suspicious that she steals money, candy, and jewelry...pencils, you name it...things she comes home from school with. She says people give it to her, but I don't know. Is it terrible to not trust your own child? Chip is so upset. We arent' alone in our fears, Joshua comes to me once in awhile voicing the same concerns and he doesn't know how we feel so he comes to these conclusions on his own. It seems like the better he does the worse she is. Brad says that is often the case in families.

Terry...thanks for the description of shoe fly pie. Of course, with eating no sugar and no dairy I am pretty much hooped as far as adding that to my menu...sure sounds good, though! Thanks for asking how I am doing. I am quite happy about losing the weight this month. Tomorrow I am going to find out what the somatics technique has to offer my hip injury. My daughter is in a track meet tomorrow, so I will check that out too. I got some painting done in the house today, and that made me feel virtuous. Have a great day today.

Oh God, you know about this miserable depression...it started coming around again last week and has been settling over me like a heavy blanket. Each day it seems to suck me in and I don't even know why. Nothing in my life changed, I just went from feeling great to feeling really horrible. I don't want to answer the phone or make phone calls. Life feels hopeless. But I keep telling myself that I don't always feel like this and it will pass. I can just hang in there....maybe I can just act as if I'm alright and pretty soon I'll feel alright. Of course, I haven't been writing or praying or reading or anything. That could be part of the problem. Maybe I could have nipped it in the bud if I hadn't stopped those things. I'm walking sporadically. Weight the same. Haven't lost in a really long time, but I should be happy I'm not gaining. Maintaining is half the battle, and maintaining is important even before I reach my goal weight. But I still want to lose 40 more pounds, God. People are still commenting pretty often that it looks like I lost alot of weight. That's good. I'd hate to see their faces if I started gaining it back. Now that's a fear, but I can't go there. Well God, what can I do today to make it a good day? I guess try and do the things I had been doing, like picking out something good to see in the day. Telling myself affirmations. Prayer (I'm doing that now) writing in my journal (I'm doing that now too, as a combination in my prayer) Hey look! I'm making things even easier...first I elimination the many little journals I had started because I was overwhelming myself, and now I'm even making it easier yet. I don't need to do hard things. Ok. so today I pray, write, and go on my walk. I will eat only when I'm hungry, stop before I'm full and avoid high sugar/fat foods. I will not eat between meals unless it is fruit. My affirmation for today is to not focus on the fact that I haven't lost in awhile but that I have maintained the 40 pounds I've lost so far and to realize that that is a great accomplishment. Especially when I consider that I had gained so fast in the last ten years and had never been able to lose, in fact, believed my meds were making me gain weight! The good thing that I can see today is that I have a home to live in (I've been focusing on how much work the place needs and we have no money to fix it up). I have a warm, dry place to stay with my family and we are all together. I am in my home and not some facility which I was told was a real possibility with my mental health problems. Well, that's it for today God. I love you and thank you that you are always there for me. Waiting with outstretched arms no matter how long I stay away. Amen.

Wed.
walk 1/2 hr.
cereal, milk, banana
hamberger on roll, a few chips
small ice cream cone
chef salad

Dear God,
Thankyou for a new day, for a reason to get up, that I wanted to get up. Thankyou that I could go for my walk last night and that I have a family to live with and a house to live in. Thankyou for a hobby that I enjoy. I praise Your Name, for Who You are and What You are. I pray that you will help me eat so I can continue to lose weight. I would like to be in the 170's by the end of this month. and I'd like to pray for my friend Vicky. Her daugher is leaving for college soon, and she's already feeling it. Her husband died, and now her only child is leaving. She'd really like someone special in her life, maybe You could make that happen for her. And I'd like to see her have that permanent teaching position by fall. Amen.

Yesterday Chip and I went out for lunch and did a couple of other things together besides going to the hospital for therapy. It was actually a pretty nice day and I felt ok for most of it. The sun was shining and it was nice and warm. Today I'm commiting to a couple of things, things that may help keep the depression at bay. Write in my journal and pray. I can check that off. Walk and make supper. Do some kind of housework even if its only sweep the floor. And watch my thought process. Say affirmations when I notice that negative or distorted thinking. I'm still hovering between 185 and 189. I'd like to be in the 170's by the end of this month. One nice thing is, the slower you lose, the easier it is to maintain. But I haven't lost in a while. Well, at least I'm maintaining. and not throwing in the towel. I still know I can get to my goal weight. Not giving up and not giving in.

Terry, I have been wondering how things were going for you. You are the original "Comeback Kid". Your journal today was so much more positive and energetic than the day before. Just cut down on the rotten things, say your affirmations and wait for the lifting of the spirit that will come to you any day.

Hi Artsy, thanks for the encouragement.

God, another day. I woke up and got up at 7 am., thanks for good sleeping habits (I used to stay up all night and sleep all day before the first suicide attempt). Today I want to focus on how far I've come since then. It seems like I don't do much, but actually, alot has changed in just a year and a half, and I had been practically non-functioning for a couple of years before landing myself in the psych ward. I take my pills throughout the day instead of taking the whole days worth at once. I'm not eating chips and dip or ice cream before bed. Or cake and cookies during the day. Or enough food for two people at meals. I'm not laying on the couch all the time. I cook. I help Chip get groceries. I'm still not consistently answering the phone or writing in my journal, but I do do it sometimes. I don't feel hopeless all the time. Well God, I really have alot to be thankful for. Instead of looking at how far I have to go (or want to go) I need to be thankful for how far I've come. Chip and Carol (therapist) tell me this all the time but I'm so hard on myself I don't see it. I see how disciplined I was before I got sick, I was thin without even trying, kept my house spottless, got groceries and did things myself, had and maintained friendships, was involved at school for the kids and church...worked in the nursing home, had company and entertained...Well God, that's about it for today. Thanks for a new day, that I could discipline myself enough to write and pray. I love you and praise you. Amen.

walk 1/2 hour

cereal/milk/banana
4 pc. pizza (I wished I'd stopped at 2)
apple
noodles and tomatoe sauce w/sausage, bread/butter/jelly, applesauce
4 oz. yogurt

Terry, sounds like you are learning a whole new way of thinking that is POSITIVE for YOU! Good! Your signature "What we have is today" says it all! Make every single day count, we may not have tomorrow, or even this afternoon! I love your sense of accomplishment and gratitude about how far you've come. You are doing GREAT!!!

Hi Terry....your journey is more difficult than most, but you are still making the journey through your own will. Just keep trying..it is all you can do. Enjoy what you can and back off on the things that seem too much. You will pull through this depression.

Thanks for the encouragement. That's why it's so cool to keep a journal online, much different than anything I've ever done before. Keeping a private journal at home, you know there will be no personal notes from anyone when you open it up. Ok, on with the jouney at hand.

God, thanks for another day. I opened my eyes at 7 am. on the dot and jumped right up out of bed. This computer makes me feel like getting up in the mornings. I just want to thankyou for some normalcy in sleep and taking my meds and eating. Also going for one walk each day. Yesterday Joshua said, Mom, why dont you go for a walk after breakfast, lunch and supper. I said why? I know what he's thinking. He's mentioned several times, mom, youve lost so much weight. I think he wants to see it come off faster. He is thinking all the time and amazes me with his insights. God, please help us with Sarah. It must be so hard for her even though we don't compare the two and tell them to only do their best and not worry about what the other does or gets. But she does feel like she can't measure up to her brother. It's so sad too because I know she can get good grades, she used to get all A's. Joshua was the one who didn't do as well, he was picked on and didn't have many friends. Sarah was outgoing. It's like they flip flopped when they got to middle school. Lord, please help her get over this whatever it is, depression, I don't know. We had her to counseling and she refuses to go. Please help me to be a good mother to her. I know those kids have had a hard life with seeing their mother try to commit suicide twice, being in the psych ward, being in the hospital with surgeries and illness, never knowing what I'll be like from one day to the next. I also know I can't go back and change anything, only try my best today. And it can't be all my fault she's the way she is, they both had the same mother and Joshua is flourishing. Anyway God, thanks for the two e-mails I got this morning from people who saw my webpage and want to see more. I haven't been working on it like I was but I will. One thing, one day at a time. God, I also have a specific request for myself, that you will help me start to lose weight again. I lost 40 and have been on a plateau for quite awhile, maybe a month or even longer. I do think I'm smaller though, my pants are all loose around the waist, I'm gonna have to give in and get some new stuff to get through the summer...I wanted to wait and get stuff for fall and winter and then get summer stuff next year because if I get stuff now and then lose 40 more I'll need stuff again next year. That's it for today God, thanks for always being there. I love you. Amen.

walk 1/2 hour.

cereal, milk, banana

chicken, rice, green beans, 4 oz. yogurt

apple/cheese

1 pork chop, applesauce, bread/butter/jelly, 2 perogies w/green pepper, carrots and onions in butter.

Good morning God. I sure did eat alot of sugar yesterday, just plain down overeating. We were at Vicky's daughter's graduation party and I had everything plus cake. I felt so full and plain down sick, not used to eating like that anymore. On the way home Chip said, now dont' go start eating like that again, you'll gain back all your weight. So he's watching! Hmm...I didn't get my walk in either since we didn't get home till late. Today I think I'll walk at the mall for exercize, Sarah and I are going to the Pokemon Trading Card League. I'm enjoying my GBA and new games so much. Posting at IGN.com and reading magazines about it...it's a great hobby. Expensive...but it's also done alot. On the message boards I have a link to my online book and those GBA players have been reading my stuff. I had a message from a kid Joshua's age who's 41 yr. old mother died 9 months ago with an undiagnosed condition like mine, and he just wanted to tell me about it, about him and his sister losing their mother. Then I got an e-mail from a doctor who also plays GBA and he found my site through GBA too. He likes my story and thinks it should be read by other doctors too so they can see what it's like from the patient's point of view. So, I'm glad the GBA is connecting me to people in ways like that. God, we never know how you will use us, we should just be ourselves and you will use us as we are. I love you. Amen.

Today is going to be a good day. I woke up feeling ok, and looking forward to the day. I plan on walking and doing a little housework besides going to the mall, make supper and then GBA! Yesterday I overate, couldn't even put down everything I ate from eggs to mac salad, fruit, cake, ice cream, candy...you name it, it was at the picnic and I felt sick! This morning I woke up so hungry. It always amazes me that you can eat like that and go to bed full and sick, nad wake up feeling empty and hungrier than usual.

Dear God. Thanks for a good day yesterday, that I could go for my walk and be with my family...Chip and I got along alright and I got some stuff accomplished. I love you. Please help me today, to eat only when I'm hungry, stop before I'm full, and avoid high sugar/fat foods. Help me to not eat between meals unless it's fruit. And finally, please help me to not struggle with depression today. Amen.

Yesterday was a good day. I went to the mall with Sarah, and after supper we got groceries. That's about it, but there was not much depression and I looked forward to my walk and WANTED to do it. If I do it every day, then it becomes something I really like. If I start missing, or don't do it at all, it taked alot of will power to get out there and do it. Like the eating...it's easier to keep the good habits going than it is to get started again! That's a good point to keep in mind when I decide to NOT do something. Will I be able to "start over". Better to just do it.

Dear God, thanks for today. I feel ok, and even worked on my page some. Please give me the ambition to get my walk in today, and to continue to eat only when hungry. Thankyou for always being there for me and showing yourself to me in so many ways. I love you. Amen.

See if I can remember what I ate yesterday. Cereal, milk, banana
hamburger on a roll with cheese and onion rings. I think I had pickles. Strawberries
One can breakfast drink, leftover perogies
I think I might have had a 4 oz. yogurt.

We went to church in the morning and then I didnt do anything all day. Took a nap in the afternoon. It's getting hot now and my rash is spreading so I just want to try to keep as cool as possible. Today we closed the windows and turned on the air downstairs.

Terry...we are having such a cold summer in British Columbia, the other night we were outside and we could see our breath. I heard Calgary was supposed to get snow tomorrow...that is awful! It is even pouring rain in the sunny Okanagan valley. Forget your bad eating day on Saturday and just keep concentrating on each and every day. Sounds like you made a good diet recovery. I am glad your story is being read and appreciated.

Terry, thank God for new days, huh? New beginning offer us the whole world at our fingertips, full of potential and promise. Today will be YOUR day, just watch and see! Something wonderful is just waiting for you in this day! :x

walk 1/2 hour
cereal, milk
salad bar, one plate
petite ice cream cone
pork chop, potatoe, broccoli, apple sauce, bread/butter/jelly
banana, 4 oz yogurt

Dear God, it's a new day. I don't feel as good this morning as I have the last couple of days. I have to go the doctor for this rash that's pretty extensive on my arms and legs, and some on my face. Yesterday in therapy I left feeling worse than when I started, she made me face my problems and I don't want to becasue when I think about it I feel trapped and helpless. There's nothing I can do about some things besides own it and try to cope. Live in spite of. Make the best of it. La di da di da di da. Yesterday I ended up feeling so bad I just went to bed early. Today I don't feel like writing in this journal or praying. So I guess that's it, for now. Amen.

Dear God. Please help me to not gain my wieght back. I'm on a pred pack and Dr. Playfoot said it would put the weight on. I know it will, I've had it enough in the past to know how hungry I get. So hungry you think you'll faint if you don't eat. I was up at 5 am. this morning too hungry to fall back to sleep. Made myself a hot cup of tea and logged on to divert myself. But I can hardly wait till a decent time for eat breakfast that won't be so early I'm starved again way before lunch time. Tonight I'm going with a friend to weight watchers. More as a support to her since I don't want to change my eating habits, I've been doing good eating "normal". But maybe it's the boost I need to get started losing again. Haven't lost anything in pretty long. God, in addition to helping me not gain, I ask that you will help me LOSE in spite of meds. And to fight the depression. No, not to fight it, but to keep it AWAY. God, I'm so so tired of struggling agianst this. You know how tired I am. More than any person could ever know. I mean, I try and explain this thing that settles over me like a dark smothering blanket, this thing that sucks at me, pulling me down so I can't keep my head above water. It's more crippling than any physical pain I've endured. I love YOU and I need You. You are my strength. Amen.

cereal, milk, banana
chicken on 2 pc. bread, apple, 4 oz. yogurt
chicken, rice, vegetables, bread/butter/honey
orange

No walk. Very, very muggy here and I mind the heat so much. I was warned this week to stay out of the sun, stay cool, and that I'm very susceptible to heat stroke. I don't have to be warned, I feel sick when it's so hot and muggy all I want is to stay in the air conditioning. If only that miracle stuff predisone didn't have such bad side effects.

Pats on the back, Terry. For somebody who is starving hungry you ate very well today. What will power you have! I know you are going to lose weight in spite of the Pred Pack. How do they make you feel aside from the hunger? Do you get any kind of relief from any of your symptoms? I hope so.

Hi Artsy. I love prednisone except that it makes me hungry. That's the only bothersome side effect, that and when the course is over I always feel more depressed that ever. It's a boost for everything, arthritis, asthma, skin conditions...you feel GREAT while on it and like a deflated baloon when it's over. You start out with a lot of pills and they taper down to try and cut back on the let down, I think there's more danger in coming off them than being on them. Loved the weight watchers meeting, it's just what I want to do. No counting calories or eating special foods. Just stay in your point range for your current weight. Didn't even pick out a goal weight, first is lose 10% of starting body weight. It's expensive, I think, but I bought 12 weeks. That will bring me up to the holiday season. Plus, if you get to goal and maintain, I don't think you have to pay anymore. I doubt I'll be at goal in 4 months, but you never know. I lost a pretty good chunk the last 6 months.

God, thanks for a new day. I have to take Joshua shopping for some stuff for his mission trip, take back Castaway to Blockbuster, get a thing for my Gamboy/computer, and do bills. I'd rather just sit here in the chair on the computer all day, but I gotta get up and move around. I've been like a lump in this muggy weather. Still uncomfortable with this rash even with the prednisone, but it is helping, just not as fast as I remember in the past. Hey, you know what? I think I'll just do my walk when I go to the mall. It will be cool in there. Oh, the news is on, showing more murky skies. Thankyou for my fan, and the little window air conditioner someone gave us a couple of years ago. It freezes up so you can't run it day and night, but it does help some, at least better than without it. God, I love you, I need you, you are my strength. Please help me win the fight against depression, and lose weight. I remember the prayer of Jabez, the only two verses about this guy in the Bible. He prayed for himself, that you would bless him, and you did. But, besides myself I pray for Vicky, comfort as her daughter prepares to leave home for college, she's really missing her husband and feeling alone. And scared since her van was stolen right out of her driveway. We are doing WW together! Well, that's it for this morning. Amen.

walk to the post office, 6 blocks.

cereal, milk, banana
left overs, 4 oz. yogut, apple
chicken, grean beans, rice, peaches, bread/butter/honey
small vanilla milkshake

Dear God, thanks for a new day. Thanks that this miserable rash is clearing up...I just love prednisone! I'm not really into writing in my journal this morning so this will be short and sweet, just going through the motions to keep a good habit going. Thanks God for my family and friends, a home to live in, and hobbies I enjoy. Please help me in my battle against depression. I love you and praise your name. You are my strength. I see you in people, in the beauty outside...Amen.

Started WW last Thursday night, and I'm very happy about it. Still it's really the "no diet" approach since there's no special food to eat, you can eat anything you want as long as it's within your point range. I'm at 24-25 points a day and get enough food that I don't feel hungry or deprived, but more aware of things like salad dressing and cheeze that just add empty calories. Cutting back on caffiene and drinking more water. I just know this is what I need to get my weight loss going again. Will be anxious to get on the scale at WW this week. I started at 194.5 (on my home scale I was in the 180's so I set it up 6 pounds so I weight the same at the doctor, WW, and home). My top weight at the doctor in December was 226. I think my goal will be 145, but at first they just want you to lose 10% of your weight which is 19 pounds for me and 17 for Sarah. She is doing it with me. She has around 60 pounds to lose and I have 50. But if she sticks with it I think she will reach her goal before me, she's only 13 and has not messed with her metabolism by yo-yoing for years.

I got this really cool thing to hook my gameboy up to my computer and I can do all kinds of things with it, I'm going to work on using my gameboy camera for pictures on my page. Been working on that some more, actually enjoying it again. That's it for now. I won't be writing my food in here since I keep it marked down in a journal thingy for WW.

Congrats on joining Weight Watchers with your daughter. I bet it is a bit of a "refresher" to listen to the instructor and get reminders on all the little things that will translate into pounds lost. I will keep my fingers crossed that both of you lose weight!

Thanks for the encouragement Artsy. WE are both excited about it and the neat thing is, Joshua went on his mission trip this week so it's just me and her and we are getting a good start concentrating on the program. I got us each a cute little bag to keep our food journals, pens, and a journal in with food points lists. We got WW tv dinners for lunch each day with a fat/sugar free yogurt and a movie! We walk in the evening when it gets cooler. And we went to Borders yesterday and got a WW recipe book that has the points already calculated per serving and we are going to cook suppers together. there are also some desserts in here and I've been planning for some kind of treat like little pack of cookies or small candy bar so she (we) don't feel deprived.

Dear God, Thanks for a new day. I'm out of sorts emotionally, I think it's the prednisone. Thanks that my rash has cleared up, and that Sarah is motivated to lose weight. Chip nad I and Joshua have been worried about her, she's so sullen and gaining weight so fast. Thirteen yrs. old. Not an easy age to be. I remember I was miserable in middle and high school. I'm hoping that if we work on our weight this summer and I encourage her to wear a little light makeup and we fix our hair and nails and stuff she will be excited about going back to school. I promised new clothes by the end of summer. I pray that she will not give up or get frustrated with this first attempt to lose weight. For the longest time I tried not to talk about it or make her aware of it, didn't want her going through life with a diet mentality and weight issues. But it's gotten to the point we need to do something about it. She's just not happy and it's understandable in a size 18-20 at only 5'1" tall. She doesn't fix her hair or anything. God, I don't want to focus on superficial things, but I just think her school year will go much better than this past one if she feels better about herself. In therapy yesterday I was upset because I realize these kids have not had the stable home they should have with my illness, suicide attempts and constant struggle against depression. But I was reminded that I'm doing the best I can and I can't go back and change things. Please protect Joshua in Virginia the rest of this week as he does his work. Amen.

Terry, I think it is great you are encouraging your daughter to go to WW. With Type 2 Diabetes increasing and other diseases associated with obesity, you are helping your daughter and maybe saving her life. I hope the other members of the group notice her and applaud her efforts. I went to WW for a period when there was an 11 year old girl there, and she was the star of the group...they made her feel really special.

Dear God, thanks for another day, for the rain yesterday that cooled it off. I'm still so much appreciate the green grass and trees, flowers, blue skys, warm weather...the winter was so long and gray and I thought it would never end. I'm already dreading it and fall and winter used to be my favorite seasons so go figure. Always hated spring and summer because of my rash and I mind the heat so much. yesterday was pretty good, I didn't have hardly any depression. I forced myself to do some things like call my sister and go to Sandi's house when I just wanted to stay home and not talk to anyone. Today Sarah and I are going to Borders again, and to the mall, I need a new light shield for my GBA. I think I've only got another day on the prednisone. Don't think I lost much weight on WW this week, at least on my scale it looks like only maybe a pound, we'll see tonight when I get weighted at the meeting. Prednisone caused weight gain but I thought only if you give in to eating more because it makes you so hungry you think you'll faint if you don't eat something. God, today I pray you will keep that old depression far away from me. That is what cripples me the most, more than physical pain. I love you. Amen.

Hi Terry, I would like to thank you for dropping by for a visit. I am hurrying to get ready for work right now but perhaps I can stop by again later. Enjoy this wonderful day God has given us. *

Judy

Hi Judy, you're welcome. I enjoy reading other's journals and like to reply to some since I am thrilled when I check mine in the morning and see I've had some feedback.

Dear God, another day. What should I pick this morning to be thankful for...oh, I know...I lost 3 pounds last week on my first week at Weight Watchers, and Sarah lost 4! Plus Chip lost 8 and he wasn't even doing it, just eating what I made for supper and skipping his usual evening snack of lots of chips. So this is good plus we've all been walking in the evenings. By next week I think I'll be out of the 190's! I was 194 the first week and 191 this week. God, I just pray that Sarah will stay motivated. I'm so happy she had a nice loss the first week so she is encouraged to see she can do it plus she got to eat alot and had a treat each day. Today I pray that you will keep the depression away from me. Yesterday I didn't feel so good, not as bad as a couple of days ago though. Today is the last day on prednisone and I'm worried. When the course of that stuff is over depression is a danger. I'm on my guard, doing things I know help like not letting myself get too tired but doing things I don't want to do so I feel like I'm accomplishing something. Today I want to work on my web page. I got a gameboy thing that will let me use my gameboy camera on my computer and I think I will goof around with that getting pictures for my page. Might as well use my gameboy on my page since it's so much a part of my life. I love you. Amen.

Monday morning. Dear God, thanks for a new day. I love you and praise you for who you are. You are my all in all. This morning I just don't have much to say, don't even feel like writing in my journal but I'm going through the motions. WW is going fine, it's so easy and I hardly ever feel like eating more than my points, and so far when those times come I've been able to resist. Sarah has been having a rough time though. At first she was really excited but now she wants to eat what she wants when she wants in amounts she wants. I just hope she doesnt' give up. I can give her all the tools and information, and try to keep motivation high, but I can't sit on her and make her do it. Mom wants to do it too, her doctor told her last week she must lose weight for the phlebitis in her leg. And I think my sister wants to go on WW too. Last night we were watching a movie and I fell asleep and missed the end! Tomorrow the kids leave for Creation. Well, that's it for today. Please help me with my WW program and Sarah too. Amen. Oh wait, please keep that nasty depression AWAY from me. Thanks.

Terry you are doing so well.. As for your daughter she is at the age where she is going through a lot of emotional changes rightnow..It's an age thing.. Believe me I'm there...AS for your sister and mother why don't the 3 of you and including your daughter have a picnic together which includes all points range foods??? If you can do this together and actually have a meal together I bet the excitement returns.. My sister and I did that last summer.. She had a bbq and it was all low carb food.. It was exciting...Just a thought!!!!

Terry, congratulations to you and Sarah on your great results for the first week of Weight Watchers. You never know, Sarah might continue to lose weight even though she is not following the program perfectly. I will cross my fingers for you. I hope you make it into the 180s next week...that would be exciting.

Dear God, the kids went to Creation yesterday, they will be gone till Sunday. Yesterday I felt so horrible after therapy and this morning I'm being sucked down. I don't think I'll get out of the house, probably be on the computer all day. I just don't feel like doing anything. God, will I ever recover fromt this depression? I'm so, so tired of struggling. I know people get tired of me, it just never changes. I might have a couple of good days and go places and make phone calls, function like a real person, and then it's just back to not wanting to do anything. Not feeling alright. Feeling awful. God, I'm just so sick of it. I want my old life back. My mental problems are the same now as they were when I weighted 226. sure I feel better that I'm not that heavy, but losing the weight really isn't making the depression go away. Not that I thought it would...uh, today I just pray that you will help me stick to my points, get my walk in, make supper for chip, and that's it. If I call my sister and Sandy, I do. If I don't, I don't. If I get out of the house, I do. If I don't, I don't. Right now, at this moment, I just want to be on the computer. Sitting here in the chair with the tv on, posting and just escaping real life. God, please help me to feel alright. I just want to feel alright. no more being sucked in by this horrible thing I can't even put into words. No one knows unless they've been there. How just thinking about getting a shower and dressed and getting my purse and walking out to the car and actually driving somewhere seems like some huge effort that I just can't do. God, all I feel like I can do right now is just sit here in my chair on my computer. That's all and I have to make it alright. I know this isn't making any sense....thankyou for today. Amen.

Terry, I am sorry you are feeling so terrible. I am impressed that you are still focused on losing weight even though you feel so awful. I hope this black time passes quickly for you.

I hope it passes quickly too. Maybe some day I'll wake up and be "normal" again. Or maybe I'll figure out how to beat this and I'll be stronger because of it. I need to learn how to make myself feel better from within and not wish Chip or the kids or something I buy could make it alright. "It" alright, what's "it"? I don't even know. I think it's some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. I was told many times that severe chronic physical pain can cause depression and I believe that's true.

Dear God, I didn't get out of the house all day yesterday except to go for a walk around 9 pm. Today I am NOT going to sit here in the chair on my laptop all day. I'll do a couple of things this morning and then go to the mall where I can walk in the cool, be around people, have lunch somewhere, and look at magazines while having coffee at Borders. Then I'll come home and make supper for me and Chip, and go to my 3rd WW meeting tonight. I don't feel like I lost anything, I think it's almost time for my period becuase I've been so hungry the last couple of days. I know I can gain 3-5 pounds right before and then go back to what I was right after. We weighed Sarah before she left for Creation on Tuesday and she was 4 pounds heavier than when she started. I said it was impossible to gain 8 pounds in one week (she said she wasn't cheating!! and I didn't actually watch her weigh herself last week so she might have lied when she told me she lost 4 pounds.) Oh well, I hope she will be motivated when she gets home to really get to work on it, I never asked her to go on a diet before but her weight is really getting out of control and I'm worried about her. She is 180 and only 5'1" tall. She's going into 8th grade and I know it has to bother her. When Becky took her clothes shopping they went to so many stores before they found something that fit her, she's in a size 20. It had to be terrible for her, having to try on things and say they didn't fit and having to go to all those stores. One day she came home from school crying. Some boy yelled at her as she was walking up the sidewalk, lay off the candy bars. I think her glum attitude is probably becasue she doesn't feel good about herself. I don't know what to do. Should I keep after her about WW or do nothing...I just don't know. We don't keep alot of snacky things in the house but I did get some things she could have if she budgeted the points for it, some low fat candy bars and fat free yogurts, we made a chocolate cheezecake from the WW cookbook but she didn't like it. WEll, enough about that. God, today please help my emotional problems. I love you. Thankyou for a new day. Amen.

Terry- Hi. I stopped by to read your journal today and it brought me to your website and I read the whole thing. You have gone through so many things. I truly hope that Gods plan for you gives you some relief from the things that make it hard to endure.
You don't live too terribly far from me. I am in Gettysburg. We rarely get out of town here, but will come to Strasburg in Sept to see Thomas the Tank Engine. My son James is crazy about Thomas and we go once a year. I also have a daughter Sarah. She is 8 and also needs to lose some weight. She is around 90 lbs. For 8 yrs old it is alot to carry around. When I was 13, your Sarahs age, I weighed 178 lbs and I went to WW with my mom . I can remember the excitement when I got down to 138. I know you both can do it. It is a wonderful program.

I just wanted to say hello and that you are being thought of. I hope that things look up for you sooon. you deserve a break.
Take care.
Linda

Terry, :x
I just wanted to drop by and give you a great big hug! Thank you for dropping by my journal and your kind words. It means so much to know that people care and are cheering for me. :)

I am close to someone with depression, and I know it is hell for him. I will pray for you and I know God is with you every moment, even when you are so sad. Your faith and courage are very inspiring to me! *

I also admire all the efforts you are making to help your daughter. :rose: It is sooo hard, I know, I am struggling to help my own daughter, though she is younger and it is probably a lot easier at this point. I love that you are keeping the "junk" out of the house and even Chip gave up his chips! That made me smile. :laugh: I guess we just have to love them, encourage them, and then let go, and let God. In the end, it is her responsibility to take care of her body. I was a teen with a weight problem, and I wish I had a mom that supported me through it like you are doing. :rose: I also was just wondering, does she get to go to counseling, too? It might help her, it really helped me. :x
In the mean time, have a great day--I love how you say, "I will make this day a masterpiece!" Big hugs, :xHeather

[ 06-28-2001: Message edited by: HeatherC ]

Linda and Heather, thanks for your kind words. When Joshua was little he loved Thomas the Train too. Did you ever take your son to the Strasburg Railraod? It's free, at least it was when my kids were little. Maybe you could do that when you come to Strasburg. Um, we encouraged Sarah to go to counseling, she did with our pastor twice and refused to go back, we talked to the school counselor and she went along to my therapist a couple of times. She says she doesn't want to counsel, and I don't know if we should force her or not. She did get a big sister from our church last school year because she was failing in several subjects...Becky helps her with homework and she also is kind of like a counselor. I get to feeling so guiltly thinking its my fault because of my depression and suicide attempts, but Joshua has the same mother and he is doing great. My pastor told me this is pretty normal in families, as one kid does better the other one feels he can't measure up and goes the opposite way.

Dear God. Another day. I don't feel too bad emotionally, thanks for that. Didn't get out of the house yesterday even though I said I would. Today I don't feel like going out, but Chip and I are going out for supper and rent a movie for tonight. And also walk outside after dark. I want to work more on my book today. God, I love You. I need you so much. Thanks for always being there for me even when I don't always come to You. Today please help me feel alright. Amen.

Dear God, another day. I'm so glad the kids get back tomorrow, this was a long week without them. Today I don't have too many plans, just get to the grocery store and do some laundry. Pick out a recipe from the WW cookbook for supper. Well, I don't have too much to say. So I guess that's it. 'Amen

Hi Terry,
I'm sending you some rainbows & hugs today & I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of ya!
Dolci :rose:

Terry...what kind of recipe did you make for supper the other night? I cook alot with vegetables and make stir fries, curries, etc. I don't really follow recipes anymore. I eat alot of seeds and trail mix and dried fruit, too.

Hi Dolci and Artsy. I've been trying some recipes from WW...last night we had one from the newest magazine, and it was good but not filling at all. It was worth 5 points, a fresh artichoke (I never used one before, it's a little work to prepare it, you have to cut off the top and bottom, take a scissores and trim each leaf, and scoop out the fuzzy insides...it pricks your fingers the entire time!) steam it for half and hour and then fill it with chopped shrimp, celery, and black olives, mixed with fat free mayo and fresh lemon juice. Well, I put these things on the plates, Sarah had helped me so she wasn't surprised but chip and Joshua balked. Then we couldn't eat the leaves, it was good I looked at the recipe because it said you pick off a leaf, scoop some of the shrimp salad with it and scrape the salad off between your teeth so the pulp of artichoke leaf comes out. It was interesting LOL! it did taste good but I think it's more an appetizer than meal.

Dear God, the kids are back from Creation and I feel so happy. Even their bickering isn't getting on my nerves too bad...yet! Thanks that I don't feel depressed. And I got my period so that explains why I didn't lose last week. Please let me lose something this week otherwise I'll be so discouraged with this WW thing. please let Sarah be motivated again, I want her to feel better about herself before she goes back to school. I love you and praise your name. Thanks that I feel good this morning. Amen.

Terry- Will keep you all in my prayers for continued guidance,support and motivation. The WW recipe sounds great. artichokes are a picky veggie. I am too impatient too. Dont get discouraged with the WW routine. I've heard so many great things about it and I bet that with a little time you too will be loving it. SOmeone told me that they had a web site or something for their members, maybe that is something that would help with motivation.
My sarah is motivated in getting a bit healthier. I am seeeing some tiny changes in attitude. It is encouraging. I hope that your sarah is doing well too!!

Take care Terry!!
Linda

Hi Linda, my Sarah seems motivated since she came back from Creation, and I'm glad your Sarah is doing well. I did check out the WW webpage a couple of times, theres some good stuff there, stories and recipes, and a message board that I didn't think was as nice as this one. You can pay and then get extra things like an online point tracker and weight chart. I didn't do that, I already paid enough for 12 meetings. Last night I made up my own recipe...2 oz. grilled chicken with sauteed mushrooms and onions on top and 1 oz. pepper jack cheese melted on top...put that on 1/2 cup of rice, add 1 cup stirfried broccoli and carrots, and top it all with 1/2 c. pineapple chunks.

Dear God, thanks for a new day. I look forward to getting up and writing in this journal and then doing some surfing. I feel so free now that I can eat what I want in my points range and not worry if I will gain weight. I've been enjoying and even looking forward to my evening walks! I like to read my WW books (I got reinventing yourself with Sarah Ferguson) and the new WW magazine...and make new recipes! Losing some weight keeps me motivated to keep on going. I'm also motivated to continue writing my book. I think I might pursue trying to find a publisher again, like I did ten years ago when I wrote my manuscript. I've ALWAYS wanted to be a writer, ever since I was a little girl. That, and a nurse. I won't get to be a nurse, but I can still write! Today God, I pray that I'll feel good emotionally, and that I'll stick to my points. I pray that Sarah will be motivated to work her program too. Amen.

Dear God. Another day. I looked forward to getting up. That doesn't sound like anything, but it's alot for me. For years I wished I was dead and didn't want to see another day. I wouldn't get up till lunch time, then I'd eat and take a nap all afternoon. So it's great that when I go to bed at night I'm thinking of things I want to do the next day, and when morning comes I'm ready to get up and greet the day. Yesterday I only had one instance of feeling hopeless, and it passed quickly. I told myself I was losing my focus. That's what Brad said when he came to see me the second time I got locked in the psych ward. He's like, don't be ashamed, you just lost your focus. God, I don't ever want to find myself in there again. I love You. I'm thankful that Vicky invited me to go to WW with her. I love this program and am convinced it's going to help me get to my goal weight. I saw on my chart last week I'm supposed to be between 153 and 127. 175 will be my 10%, and that was the second mini goal I set for myself back in December when I weighed 226! Well, that's it for today. Amen. OH wait, please, God, keep the depression or that hopeless thing whatever it is far far away from me.

Yum...your WW meals sound great, Terry. So what if the artichokes didn't go over 100%. At least you are giving everybody a bit of variety so they will appreciate their old favourites that much more. I will keep my fingers crossed that you have a big weight loss next week (and Sarah too).

Hi Terry,
Your daughter going to WW reminds me so much of my granddaughter.she was just twelve the first of May,and she and her mother joined WW together in March,and that little stinker has lost almost 30 lbs.She has about 10 or twelve to go to get to goal.
She keeps track of her points herself,and my daughter-in-law says that my granddaughter is much better at staying on program than she is.
Those foods sounded yummy.I don't think I've ever had artichoke.I'll have to try it one of these days.
Keep up your good work. Baylee

Sarah and I each lost 2 pounds this week! I'm in the 180's...189.2, getting farther away from 200 all the time. Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I read them to Sarah when someone tells me about their daughter or grandaughter working the program and she likes that, knowing she's not alone.

Dear God, thankyou that 200 keeps getting farther and farther away each week. Thanks that I felt good when I got up this morning, no depression so far. Today I plan to go to Provident and pick out the books for the Bible study I'm leading in the fall, practice the songs Sarah and I are singing at church the last Sunday of this month, get groceries, and go for a walk. I plan to stick to my points, journal all my food, and drink lots of water. Amen.

Well, I was feeling great this morning, but now I'm not. I wish I knew what did this to me. My therapist keeps telling me no one feels alright all of the time, but I don't know. I get this uneasy, overwhelmed feeling, like no matter how hard I try things will never be ok. I'm getting company tomorrow and my parents stopped in unannounced today, and I hate my house, so maybe that's why my mood is changing. But I don't think it's my house I hate, I think it's me because I can't maintain getting and keeping it cleaned up, and because it needs so much work and we never have the money to fix it up. There's so much clutter, but then there's alot of clutter in my head. I don't know. Doesn't seem to help to write about it, so I guess that's it till the morning. We are going out for supper and then get groceries. I don't feel like doing anything.

Hi Terry,
Hope that you are feeling better by the time you read this. Seems like you got alot of stuff kind of piled on you today, huh? You are doing so great! I am looking forward to the day that I see 200. It seems sooo far away right now that I try not to think about the number at all. And you are alot braver than I am! I look at the artichokes all the time in the produce section but never got up the nerve to give them a try. I do know how to turn them into a candle holder but I don't think that's on the WW plan :laugh: Have a fab evening, watch the sunset & enjoy it as though you were seeing it for the first time. I'm thinking of ya :x
Dolci :rose:

Congratulations on your weight loss! Did Sarah's weight loss give her some extra encouragement/motivation to stick with her program?

I hope that you feel better tonight and tomorrow! :rose: :rose: :rose:

Dolci and Trefoil, thanks for the encouragement. I'm feeling better this morning. If there's anything I've learned since trying to commit suicide in 1999 and again in 2000, is that no matter how bad I feel, how hopeless, I WON'T ALWAYS feel like that. It's something I hold onto and so far it's kept me out of the psych ward for over a year. Yes, Sarah is motivated by seeing the program is working for her. She found out she can tell me she didn't cheat and she can even lie to herself, but the scale will tell the truth. Just keep on keeping on and you will get under 200! Each little bit adds up and gets you closer to your goal all the time. YOu're right, though, don't think about how far you have to go. Just concentrate on today because it's all any of us have.

Dear God, yesterday that unsettled feeling came over me, not as bad as usual, but enough to nag at me and make me feel pretty bad. But it's gone again this morning and I'm thankful for that. I'm going to take my own advice...today is all I have, and I want to make it a masterpiece. I know that I can't try and do too much in one day or I will "crash". I'm getting company and I have to get groceries. Other than those two things and my walk, I'm going to just rest, go online or do some light reading or play my gameboy. I'm going to have the kids help me get the house looking and smelling better. When I get groceries I'm going to get some of those glade plug ins, and get some new potpourri for the baskets hanging from the rafters in the dining room. I got the book for Bible study and I'll see if Sandy likes it. If she does then I can get started next week getting prepared for it. 1st and 2nd Samuel. About David and Saul. David loved You so much, but he wasnt' perfect, and I think he felt probably all the things I do. When I read the Psalms he wrote and think about all the people who have read them down through the ages, and loved them and identified with them...well...I don't feel so alone in my struggles. Thankyou for Your Word. Please help me to feel alright today. Amen.

Hi Terry, you sound better today & I'm glad to hear it! I am answering the post you left on my journal because if you're like me, your journal is the first place you look when ya come to DT! I have been on WW since May 9th. I love the program because I am learning so much & learning how to eat healthy for the rest of my lifetime, not just a quick fix diet. I think it's great that Sarah is doing this with you! She sounds like she's doing well. I have been heavy all my life & hated the way I looked & felt. Once I got down to 145 (I'm 5'8") but no one bothered to tell me that I looked good. I never even realized that I had gotten so skinny until years later when I saw a picture from that time in my life. I was 13 & if I had known that I looked good & had made it, finally, I would have kept the weight off. Now, that I am older, it's harder to lose but I'll get there. Sarah is lucky to have someone so close to her, travelling on the same path. Bravo to you & Sarah! * *

I'm glad that you were feeling better today, Terry. *

It's great that you and Sarah have had success with ww. Not only are you both becoming more healthy, but you get a chance to share the experience. :rose:

Hi, yes, my journal where I head first after checking and answering my e-mail. I power up my laptop while getting my cereal and tea, and then I'm online for part of the morning till it's time to get dressed and go someplace. I'm so glad Sarah was willing to do this with me. You can't make someone do it, they have to want to first. WE walk together in the evenings and we are talking more now than we ever have. We get along better and feel closer. She's been opening up and being more honest with me too. I used to ask her questions, and she would always say everything was fine even though she was getting very low grades and being so moody. Now I'm finding out the kids make fun of her for her weight. I just want her to feel good about herself. I never had a weight problem till I was 26, so I can't really identify with her since no one has ever made fun of me for my size, only expressed concern. Kids can be so cruel.

Dear God, it's Sunday, the beginning of a new week and the start of a new day. I love you and praise you. I got the books for the Bible study I'm leading in the fall, I pray that you will open my mind and heart to what you want me to learn and teach. Also, Sarah and I are preparing our songs to sing at the end of the month, I haven't been nervous in years since I'm so used to singing and very comfortable with it, in fact, You know I LOVE to do it. But I pray for Sarah since this will be her first time in front of the church. Today I pray that you will help me stick to my points, yesterday at my picnic I didn't, and I felt too full afterward and wished I had. I didn't have much uneasiness yesterday and I thank you for that. Please keep the depression away today. Amen

Hey, Terry...congratulations to both you and Sarah on your weight losses this week. And you are down to the 180s...seems to me that is pretty close to one of your mini-goals, right? It is great to see you and Sarah support each other this way. I hope she loses a pile by September so she feels better for the start of school.

I'm so happy that you and Sarah are getting along so well. She is at a difficult age and for her to be able to share with you her feelings about her weight is very special. You sounded like you were having good days on Saturday and Sunday. I hope that you receive this at the beginning of another good day! :rose: :rose: