First, the all-important statistics:

Almost 40 years old
Single, no children
Current weight: 204
Weight on 1/1/01: 216
Height: 5' 4½"
Goal weight: 140

Second, a little bit about me:

I have always had a weight problem – even as a little kid, I wore "chubby big girl" clothes. I had a couple of good years as a teenager where all the extra weight redistributed itself into the appropriate places. Then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 15, had a complete hysterectomy, and two years of chemotherapy (now that's a diet that really works!). However, once the chemo was over with, I regained all the weight and then some. There was no turning back. Now, while some of my extra weight may be due to a lack of estrogen (I just restarted hormone replacement therapy), I'll admit that most of it is due to my eating the wrong things in the wrong quantities and doing absolutely no exercise at all.

Basically, for the past twenty years my fat has been a wall around me keeping my emotions in and other people out. I've dieted and lost thirty or forty pounds at a time, got scared or uncomfortable or whatever, and then gained it all back, plus some. So now that I'm almost 40, I feel that it's time to get a grip, deal with my problems, and lose the damn weight. It's dragging me down. It's keeping me from being, and doing, all that I know I can be.

For the longest time, I thought that my failure to lose the weight was a fear of success. And it is – but not in the way that I had originally thought. I've come to the realization that I'm not so much scared of being successful in losing the weight but afraid that, if I do lose the weight, what happens if I still don't become the person that I want to be. Does this make sense? OK, I'll spell it out. While I know that some men prefer large women, I haven't met any. What happens if I lose the weight, become attractive in the socially acceptable sense of the word (and believe me, I don't agree that only thin women are attractive – I'm just being realistic here) and I still don't find anyone to love me? Does that mean I'm not lovable? I can't believe I just said that out loud for the whole world to hear. Thank God this posting is semi-anonymous and I'm speaking with people who walk in my shoes. Also, as a large woman, I feel safe, physically and emotionally – a force to be reckoned with. I know that this is a false sense of security. But when I imagine myself thin, I feel diminished in some way. Small. Helpless. Defenseless. This is a perception, I know, but it feels true nonetheless.

Lastly, the reason for this journal:

I need help. I need people to cheer me on when I'm successful and let my cry on their shoulder when I'm not. I need motivation to choose salad over potatoes, fish over pizza. I need someone to encourage me to get off my butt and exercise. I need to put myself out there, hold myself accountable, and make each day a new day. I need to forgive myself my past mistakes and focus on the future. I need to do this, once and forever.

I'm starting this journal today just when things are about to get the toughest. I'm due to head out of town on business for two weeks. That means all my meals in restaurants on an expense account – temptation staring me in the face three times a day. As soon as I get home, my mother will be here for a two-week visit – a huge emotional landmine if the past is any judge of the future. And then shortly after that, my best friend is due to deliver twins – another difficult thing for me to deal with as I so regret the fact that I can't have children of my own.

So … I'm hoping that if I write in this journal, others will help to see me through all this – "if I build it, they will come". I'm hoping that with everyone's help, I'll finally lose these extra pounds. I'm hoping that others will be able to see the me that I know is there buried under the fat and screaming to get out. I'm hoping.

You hit a nerve in me. I did looe weight to where I looked good. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends when I was overweight and thought being skinny would help. It did only to a certain point. I think I was trying for someone who didn't want me any way that I was. After that I gained some weight--20 lbs. Now I'm losing the weight for ME. I may find love, I may not. But I am still looking I haven't given up! :x

Another thing you said that I agree with is that we think of women as weak. Maybe it's because in the movies they are potrayed as weak and they are skinny, too! But what helped me feel physically strong (and strong in other ways, too) was exercising, including toning with light weights. I'm up to only 3lb weights. But the toning gave me strength in my body and made me feel strong in other areas of my life, too. So maybe if you incorporate some toning you'll feel stronger physically.

Good luck in your journey.

Deborah

:rose: :rose:

[ 04-17-2001: Message edited by: Debbi ]

Well, after my first post where I poured my heart out and said things that I had never admitted out loud before, I suffered the agonies of the damned. I can't tell you how many times I thought about going back online and deleting that post. I was afraid that people were going to read it and laugh at me. And at the same time I was afraid that no one would read it at all (Thanks,Debbi).
I'm glad now that I left it on because even if I'm typing into thin air, I feel better for having gotten this out into the open where I can address the issues and deal with the facts.

At first I thought that I would post each and every thing I ate and all exercise done on a daily basis but, unless I run into any completely self-destructive behaviors, I've decided to just keep this journal for my thoughts, dreams, goals and results. I'm going to come in and post something every few days, depending upon my schedule and what's happening in my life.

Yesterday I had to go into the office (I spend most of my time either out of town or telecommuting from home) and staying on track is much more difficult for me as I feel I don't have as much control. Actually, that's not right. I do have as much control; I just have more choices. I only managed to get in half my water (I try to drink 8-eight ounce glasses a day) as I was really busy and didn't have easy access to a bathroom. I suppose I could have gotten more in once I got home but I didn't. Take one * away from me! I did make a good choice at lunch though (broiled chicken sandwich) and went without my usual "I'm out to lunch, I think I'll have a coke" beverage of choice. I'm going to give myself one * for that so now I'm even for the day!

I've been thinking about what sort of goals to set for myself while I'm out of town for the next two weeks and eating in restaurants for three meals a day. As I'm not a huge breakfast eater and the hotel has in-room coffee, I'm planning on just bringing with me a couple of boxes of lowfat granola bars so that I can have one with a cup of coffee in the morning. The theory is - no restuarant, no temptation. One meal taken care of. As for lunch, I'm going to try to limit myself to salads or "the diet special" whenever possible. I think I may have a coke with lunch (just a glass, not a whole can) as I'll need the sugar and caffeine to get through the afternoon. Dinner will be the toughest. I'm thinking that I'll order whatever I want (within reason of course) and only eat half of it. No rolls or dessert. And I'll have water with dinner. I'll do my best to get at least half my water in during the day but I need to be careful as I'll be in training and won't be able to run to the bathroom as needed.

The biggest problem I forsee will be exercise. I hate to exercise. Any excuse not to exercise will do. And I'll have a lot of excuses. I'm tired. It's too early. It's too late. There are too many people. Etc. I expect I'll be doing a fair amount of walking - to and from the hotel to training and to and from restaurants for lunch and dinner. Will that suffice? Maybe. However, I'm going to make a promise here. Mark this next sentence: <IMG SRC="smilies/stop.gif" border="0"> I am going to walk on the treadmill or swim or do whatever the hotel has to offer at least twice a week for the two weeks I'm in Chicago <IMG SRC="smilies/stop.gif" border="0">

Now I have a request for anyone reading my journal. Please post a reply. You don't even have to say anything - just let me know that you're out there. Any encouragement will make more of a difference to me than you can imagine. As the commercial goes - "Thanks for your support"!

I'm still here.

I have a suggestion. Write down your goals or print this and read it every morning with your granola bar and coffee. Then everyday you'll remember where you stand with regards to eating healthy and exercise.

Good luck.
* for your goals for eating right,
* for your goals for exercising.

I'm so impressed that you wrote this. It sounds as though it's straight from the heart. (and I must admit, that bit about what if I lose the weight and I'm still not attractive strikes a nerve). But I guess Debbi's right - you have to do it for yourself, not for others. And I'm sure other people will realise how loveable you are when they realise how much you care for yourself (by doing this for you).
Congratulations on starting, and well done for the goals and the healthy eating.
Hope to hear some more from you soon.
Chuckles

Thanks Debbi and Miss Chuckles for your input. I really do appreciate every comment and helpful hint.

Chicago is wonderful but now I know why it's called the windy city! For the first time in a long time, I was glad I weighed so much as I think I might have been blown off my feet if I were any lighter!

Yesterday's dinner was roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and salad. I ate all the salad, part of the chicken and only a few bites of the mashed potatoes. Success!

I had my coffee and granola bars for breakfast as planned this morning. Lunch was chopped chicken salad which I only ate half of. We got out of traning class early so I came back to the hotel and swam for a half hour. We walked 15 minutes to dinner and 15 minutes back. I had salad and two slices of Chicago's famous pizza. I can't believe I made it through one whole day doing everything right! And I even managed to drink about five 8-ounce glasses of water.

I've had a new challenge today and one that will continue each day for the next two weeks - to "motivate" us during training, the instructors have brought in bags and bags of candy! Can you believe it? Now, I'm not a huge sweets eater but it's a lot more difficult when it's right in front of you hour after hour. I made it through today but it will be a struggle to keep it up. I'm just going to take it one day (or one hour) at a time.

I guess that's about it for tonight - I'm too tired for philosophical discussions!

I'm out here, responding to your posts. I love reading other peoples thoughts...don't ever think it's stupid or people will laugh. I haven't seen anyone laughing here at anyone else, only love, support, motivation, and encouragement. I come here almost everyday, and if I don't have a chance I really miss it. You seem to be able to really get to the heart of the matter, talking about your wall of fat and relationships with men...Just keep on writing. You're doing great with your eating, having successes every day! :rose:

I love what I have read in your journal. Do you mind if I refer to you as "Gloria" instead of "t9151" (which sounds a little like I am talking to a computer on a space ship). I am picking "Gloria" because you are "Glorious" and you are making a fine, courageous start to a new life for yourself.

I agree with Debbi's suggestion that you could consider weight lifting to keep a sense of power while you are losing weight. I used to be right into powerlifting, and I got to be quite strong for my weight...my legs were stronger than alot of the men that came to the gym. Weight lifting gives you a feeling of connection to your body (you can feel the individual muscles) and a general feeling of well-being. I always sleep like a rock, no matter what is happening with my life, when I weight lift regularly. Similarly, endurance exercise like jogging, is great for making you feel "tough" and for reducing feelings of stress.

You get a chance to interact with lots of men in the gym, which is a pretty neutral area. You can see men as people who are just struggling with their challenges and to be the best they can be. Most men in the gym are just focusing on their workout...they might grunt a "hello" after seeing you regularly for a couple of months. I have found that the men who work out regularly are friendly, but they don't intrude.

Whatever happens with men when you lose weight, you can still be in control. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can always resort to the "wearing a fake wedding ring" trick, which deters most advances...I used to do this sometimes when I had meetings out of town. What I am trying to say in my not-very-eloquent manner is don't let men be a reason to start or to stop making an important lifestyle change. You can make choices and adapt your life and stay in control while you lose weight. Make your decisions for your own reasons.

Sounds like you are off to a great start in Chicago with your eating and exercise lifestyle. Keep it up, Gloria.

Do you ever forget that you're on a diet? A group of us went into Chinatown for dinner last night. Everyone had a drink and then we ordered dinner. After looking over the menu, I ordered the best sounding thing - beef with orange sauce. It wasn't until I was nearly through eating that I realized I had probably ordered the dish with the most calories. I had completely forgotten that I was on a diet! I decided that there was no sense beating myself up over it so I finished the last bite, wiped my mouth and put it behind me. Now isn't that a positive attitude!

My time here in Chicago has been going well - the above meal notwithstanding. I've stuck to my limited breakfast (no big hardship, I'll admit), made fairly decent choices at lunch and limited my intake for dinner. I'm managing to get in about six 8-ounce glasses of water a day and while I haven't been to the gym again, I have been walking everywhere and I even get in a ten minute walk around the block during breaks from training. And I still haven't given in to the office chocolate!

Thanks Artsy and Terry for your input. I'm seriously considering your ideas although joining a gym at this time may be premature. I'm not sure that I would be comfortable running around in public in my little workout outfit. Self defeating, I know, but I'm working on it.

It's funny ... I can be perfectly confident with my inward appearance and just as self-concious about my outward appearance. What a dichotomy.

Enough musings for tonight. Thanks again, all who read and respond, for your thoughts, suggestions and confidences. I really appreciate it. :x

Since Artsy has decided that your name should be "Gloria", I suppose that's what I'll call you until told otherwise!

I have enjoyed reading your journal. You won't find any DietTalkers who will laugh at your thoughts or goals. Honest sharing is the name of the game here, and it's what keeps us going.

You have made such sound choices in your lifestyle change that your are bound to see success. "Exercise" has been my downfall, too. So all I do is WALK, and I'm up to 2 miles each day. Drinking that water is SO important. (I had to run to the bathroom constantly at first; now I believe my bladder is about the size of Lake Erie.)

Keep up the good work. We're glad to have you here at DT.

ThinLynn

I think Gloria is a good name for you. If you don't like it, just tell us.

One of the reasons no one will laugh at you is (first we are terrific people LOL)because we have all felt what you are feeling. You just say it better than most.

You struck a chord with me. I was 32 when I found I would never have children. It isn't easy to accept, but you are very strong to survive what you have.

Since we have seen from childhood that women grow up and have babies (no longer automatically get married, but babies are the job of women), sometimes it is easy to let it be one more thing that weighs us down.

Don't let that happen. Your strength and intelligence just shines. Don't give up
karolyn

Thanks all for your most recent replies. It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone in what I feel. I've been able to recognize that I'm not the only one who has a weight problem but it's really comforting to hear others face the same thoughts and struggles. And while my name is Lori, not Gloria, I'd like to think of myself as "glorious" so, if you don't mind, I'd like to keep it!

I've been thinking a lot lately about my body and my body image. As I said earlier, I've always been fat and, even at a young age, I recognized that fat was not desirable. My sister, who is three years younger, was, and still is, very thin. She was always known as "the cute one". And "cute" was desirable.

Then I was the first girl to develop breasts in my class. Oh, I was mortified. I didn't want anyone looking at me. I took to wearing oversized shirts buttoned up to the throat.

Now, well, I look at myself and see large, sagging breasts, a stomach that hangs, lumpy hips, jiggling upper arms and dimpled thighs. I can't muster up affection for any of them. I try. But all this fat just seems such a waste of a body. It's the enemy. Food is a friend but fat is an enemy.

I've tried to make peace with food - not looking at each thing as "good" or "bad". And I've been pretty successful at that and, for the most part, eating whatever I want in moderation. But I can't seem to make peace with my body and the fat. I just hate it.

And I wonder - even if I do lose all the weight, will I like my body any better? I mean, will I really find it beautiful? It's betrayed me once with cancer, it's covered now with scars, will I ever trust it to treat me well? To be well?

And does it really matter how I feel about my body to be successful on a diet? :-/

Well, I'm back ... it's been a while. I've returned from my two and half week training in Chicago and my week and half vacation with my mother (if you can call spending a week and a half with my mother a vacation). I got on the scale today and, to my surprise and great joy, I didn't gain a pound. I didn't lose a pound either but, hey, after four weeks of dining out, no time to exercise and limited bathroom availability (so no great quantities of water), I think no gain is an unqualified success.

Am I ready to buckle down and get committed again? No, not really. But I will. I've learned that there's never a "perfect" time to start and stay on a diet. I've been *really* heavy for over fifteen years now and as I have never found that "perfect" time, I've given up on it even existing. (I haven't found the "perfect" man yet either, but that's another story!) But it's also incredibly stressful for me to continuously focus on what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat when there are a lot of other things going on in my life. Dieting, then, is just another burden.

And another incredibly stressful time is upon me - I've been asked by my management to consider becoming a supervisor. Right now I work very independently, managing my own workload and time. My only worries are about my own performance and that's something under my control. (Control is a big issue with me - which is why it's so funny that I can't control my eating. Again, that's another story!) With this new position, I would be supervising, training and developing two - five new auditors with hiring, firing and performance review responsibilities. And as all auditors work independently, a lot of control will be out of my hands. Also, I don't deal well with giving criticism or facing upset or angry people. Now, I don't think that's going to be a big issue but it is something I may have to face down the line. Can I handle that? On the positive side, this could be a wonderful new challenge and will certainly enhance my resume if I ever decide to look for another job. What to do ... What to do ...

Enough about that - this site is not about job problems - it's about diet and exercise so let's focus on that again.

Here are my goals for the next six weeks:

- drink 8 eight ounce glasses of water each day.
- eat more vegetables and less protein and carbohydrates.
- exercise at least three times per week.
- take a "leisure learning" class or find some other activity or project to get me out of the house and my mind off dieting.
- schedule in some meditative / prayer time each day.

I've got six weeks before I go visit my sister in Fort Lauderdale (who, by the way, is 6 feet tall and wears a size 10 - she's so easy to hate!). I'd like to lose ten pounds by then. It's a reachable goal, I think. I'll let you know how I progress.

P.S. If there's anyone out there in management who would like to comment on the job stuff above, please let me know your thoughts. All input would be truly appreciated. 8-}

Hi...

Well...you've got the timing right!!! There never is the right time..if you're working...you're too tired to prepare..if you're not working..you're too close to the fridge...if it's holiday time...well its the holidays!!! if you're travelling...well...its restaurant food!!! We come up with all the excuses that we can and then turn to others to find some more!!
When my ex left, I decided it was because I was fat! If I had been skinny like the girl he left me for, it never would have happened! But then, I just ate more! to grieve about being left alone. Then I decided that I needed to lose weight so I wouldn't be alone anymore! No one wants a fat person! So I started dieting. No easy feat when one works in a donut shop!! I went on a starvation diet. Lost about 50 lbs, found a boyfriend...LOSER!!!! gained that and then some back! Got rid of him...decided needed to go on ANOTHER starvation diet. This one a much longer period of time. Lost 94lbs! Got a boyfriend...gained 50lbs of it back. "Boyfriend" is now fiance! He doesn't care the size I am. But I do! At 284(whatever the scale decides to tell me at the time)I am now trying to do it the right way for the right person. ME. This is now a health issue. Although, I am more then willing to go on an hour or 2 walk, any other exercise is work to me, LOL. I have a hard time with the water. Most days I am doing ok with my new lifestyle eating habits. Still a little too high in cals but trying to make sure that I am doing this right with no hunger and no feeling the need of binging.
I wish you all the best both with your lifestyle change and your decision ahead of you in your work!

Remember....LOSERS are the WINNERS here!

Welcome back, Gloria. I would regard weight maintenance over the course of a one month "away" iternary as a major success. Good for you...you are obviously putting some of your "wellness" principles into practice.

Your daily and weekly goals sound healthy and doable.

I had to laugh about your comment about whether a week with your mother was a vacation. I always distinquish between vacations, when I am doing what I want, and "visits", which are about maintaining peace in the family. I usually come home from visits being very thankful for my life and quite happy to go back to work!

Regarding the offer you have to be a supervisor, I don't have the answer to your situation, but here are some questions to ponder before you make your decision. Does your company provide any special training, support or mentoring for employees making this transition? Does your company know what knowledge, skills and attributes make successful supervisors in your company, and do you think you have those? I think many companies think supervisory abilities are common sense (alot of them are)and they don't provide any special support after the transition. Being the boss is isolating...are there other supervisors you can "hang with" at your company?

You sound like a person who is basically enjoying her current job situation. Could you take on the supervisor position on a "trial" basis, and return to your current position if you don't like it?

Finally...which job situation do you think will be better for your health and happiness?

Best wishes for a great week, Gloria.

I'm embarrassed to say that I have yet to keep any of those goals that I recently set out for myself. And I can't even tell you why. I can give you some excuses:

1. No sooner had I gotten over a cold then I came down with the flu.
2. Too tired from being out of town and on the run to go to the grocery store for supplies.
3. Too stressed out about the new job to concentrate on the diet.
4. While working out of the house has its benefits, I don't adhere to a schedule and when I'm not "on schedule" I don't do well.

So, taking it from the top:

1. I'm starting to feel better so I can't use that excuse.
2. I'm always "too" tired so I can't use that excuse.
3. Accepted the new job so I can't use that excuse.
4. There's no way around it - I need to start going into the office and keeping regular hours.

So...

Starting next week, I'm back to regular hours at the office. I'm going to sign up at the YMCA to start swimming before work. I'm going to drink water instead of Coke. I'll go the grocery store this weekend and stock up good for me food (which is not necessarily the same as good food :laugh :). I really DON'T have time to sign up for a leisure learning course right now because I'll be traveling the month of July but when my schedule straightens out, I will. And once I'm back on a schedule, I'll make some "set in stone" quiet time arrangements. I think that covers everything, doesn't it? I just wish I knew where my motivation went - it seems to have run off with my willpower. If I can't get this to work, I just don't know what I'll do. I really don't want to give up (even though it seems that way) but I just can't get restarted. What is wrong with me? I hate people who moan and groan but never do anything about their problem and I'm turning into one of those people. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? X-(

Hi Gloria,

Don't be so hard on yourself. All the stress you are under does make things tough. You did great on your 2 1/2 week business trip. Just do the best you can to make healthier choices. Don't try to be perfect. The stress will ease up and you will be able to get a little more structure in your eating.

You are working toward better health and you will get there. Since this is such a crazy time for you, do you think you could work in just a little bit of quiet time for yourself in your hotel room at the end of the day? Even if you fall asleep in the middle of it, you would feel better in the morning.

Hang in there Gloria. Things will get better.

Karolyn

[ 06-06-2001: Message edited by: karolync1 ]

At last - something positive to report!!!

I signed up at the YMCA a week ago and have gone three times to swim. It's been tough getting out of bed at 5 in the morning but I've done it. I've had a myriad of excuses for not going but I've gone. I am forcing myself to do this with the hope that, someday, I'll want to do this. Until that time, though, I'm going to continue forcing myself to go swim my mile three times a week.

I've also been better with the water vs coke thing but I'm still not completely off the cokes (which is my goal) and I'm still not drinking the "required" 8 glasses a day of water. But I'm making some progress.

I did get to the grocery store once the flood waters receded (I live in Houston) and have been eating more fruits and vegetables. It's a constant thing with perishable foods - you can't "stock up" and I hate having to go to the store every three days. But, what can you do?

I've been back in the office again and back on schedule which has helped a lot. I AM a creature of routine. My goal for the next month and a half is to learn to deal with not being able to have a routine. I'm going to be spending this week at my friend's house helping her with her month-old twins, then I'm headed to my sister's in Fort Lauderdale for five days, then Atlanta for a week on an audit and then Chicago for a week for a manager's meeting.

I need to maintain some sort of "early-to-bed / early-to-rise, exercise three times a week, eat good things at good times, drink water" schedule within the confines of these new, "everything is out of my control" times. I know I can plan ahead for some of the obstacles ... and I do. But, for me, when I lose control of one thing, I tend to throw out control of everything else. I'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of girl, I guess. Anyway, that's my challenge for the next little while. I'll let you know how it goes.

Welcome back, Lori (guess I better call you by your real name). Sounds like you have a good plan to start on your lifestyle change. Don't begrudge yourself the trips to the store to buy fresh produce. You work so hard...sounds like a bit of a sweat shop. Just think, the better you eat the harder you will be able to work.

Congrats on your swimming! You should be proud of yourself!

I've also been fighting the soda war. I was having some trouble with it when I started because I would go ahead and drink some when I had a headache or felt grumpy. I've hit on something that works for me...I drink one soda of my choice each day at any time of the day that I want. The rest of the time, I drink water. I'm the sort of person who rebels if I feel like I'm not allowed to do something and so letting myself drink that one soda a day ends up keeping me from drinking four or five. A benefit from this has been that I feel more energetic because I stop having the post-sugar crashes so often during the day.

Good luck with your upcoming trips!

Hi Lori!

I have been neglecting my journal reading and have been trying to get caught up, I am so glad I found yours!

Your first post in your journal so hit home with me. I just posted in the thoughts forum recently under Weight as a security blanket. I too have hid behind my weight thinking I didn't deserve to be thin and happy, or if I got there that I would find out that I wasn't happy because I wasn't a good person not because I wasn't thin.

I too live in the beautiful state of Texas! So how are things going with your goals and your new position at work? Are you still swimming? The last time I lost a lot of weight it was from swimming. I am going to look into doing that again, just dawned on me that it only makes sense since it worked before! I have been such an all or nothing person all my life, especially with exercise. I am slowly breaking my self of that habit.

Let us know how you are doing!

Take care,
1luckystar

Where are you?

Well, like a bad penny, I've turned up again. I wish I had good news to report but, alas, it's the same old thing.

July was a busy month for me - vacation in Ft. Lauderdale with my sister then directly to Atlanta for an audit and then, after a weekend break, to Chicago for a meeting. While gone, I didn't exercise at all although I did keep my eating mostly under control. I didn't gain but I didn't lose.

I'm feeling really hopeless about it right now. I know that I've no one to blame but myself for not taking more responsibility - for not making the time to exercise and for not limiting my food intake / choices more. And water? I haven't even been doing that.

Beating myself up over this is not going to make it better. But I just can't help feeling depressed. Maybe I'm just destined to be the size I am. Maybe I should just learn to adjust.

I can't understand why I haven't been able to commit to doing this. I'm successful at work and, while there's no special man, I consider myself fairly successful in my personal life. Why can't I get this weight / body thing under control? I've tried therapy. I know the reasons why I gained the weight. I know what I need to do to lose the weight. So why don't I "just do it"?

I think I'm going to take this weekend off - from the diet, from beating myself up, from worrying, from life and try to come up with a plan that will work. I don't WANT to be fat anymore. I really don't.

Lori...you are very successful and you have alot of responsibility and you travel. Maybe you are trying to change too many habits at once, with your busy schedule and the constraints of having travel and eat out with colleagues and clients. Why don't you try to change one habit a month, and then build on that. For instance, instead of thinking of exercise, think of being more active. Walk down the hall to talk to a coworker instead of e-mail or phone, take the stairs, walk up and down the stairs at coffee break, etc. Think of ways that you could add some movement to your day without sacrificing your work. You will feel better. Think of ways to add in some fresh fruit and vegetables to your diet. Fibre helps...one piece of fruit absorbs 9 grams of fat while you are digesting it. Don't focus on what not to eat, but what to eat. In otherwords...eat what you want, but eat some high nutritional foods too.

I hope you start to feel better about yourself and your health prospects. You don't strike me as the sort of person who will give up on something that is important to her.

Hi Gloria, I agree, sometimes we make it to hard for ourselves and set ourselves up to feel like we are failing, I am trying a new approach, instead of listing all the things I need to change and feeling like a failure if not 100%, now I am working on things seperately and work at telling myself that I did good to achieve this part and work at improvement...Progress not perfection, because I am tired of the starting and stopping of this. I want to improve. YOUR doing great not to gain, and to keep your food under control, that is a foundation to build on....
* *
Kathleen

Well, I've been off re-evaluating my life again (I seem to take stock two or three times a year). I've been thinking a lot lately about selfishness vs being self-centered. It may just be semantics but I look at selfishness as being only considered with one's self and self-centered as looking inwardly at what's best for one's self. Unfortunately (for me), I'm neither selfish nor self-centered. I find that I'm always (and in all ways) more concerned with what others want and need. Now while that may seem to be an admirable trait, it's not when it means that I'll do for others to the detriment of myself. And I always end up feeling hurt when others never put me first. I feel that I'm invisible - out of sight, out of mind. What does this have to do with food? With dieting? I'm not sure. Maybe I eat to be fat to be noticed? Maybe I eat to put myself first? I don't know. I just know that it's all related. My new theme is going to be "boundaries". I'm going to work on where I leave off and someone else starts. I'm going to ask myself what I want first. I'm going to think of my needs and, if they're not being met, ask or move on.

I think that my fat is ultimately a control issue. While I think that it's out of my control, perhaps it's the only thing truly in my control. I use food to make myself feel better instead of addressing the actual thing (or person) who made me feel bad. I punish myself for their behavior believing, somehow, it's my fault ... it's my fault they forgot we made plans ... it's my fault they're not having a good time ... if I were just a better friend ... better daughter ... better sister ... they would think about my feelings and my wants and my needs.

Boundaries. I need to set some. Self-centered. I need to become one.