I like how that ryhmes.

Yesterday I faced the fact that I have become a big, fat, backslider. It started around the holidays, and I tried but I never really got it back on track. Now I am 50 lbs, yes 50 big ones up from where I was in November when it all started. What started?
"Just a little bite of this." (I've never taken "just a bite" of anything in my life.)"I'm so tired, I'll just skip one morning of exercise." (I'm a single mom, I am never "not tired.")

Yesterday my ex called, and in his manic depressive rantings and verbal abuse, I hit upon a bit of cosmic truth, a wake-up call from my own soul. I really don't like me.
"You're fat, you're loud, you make a spectacle of yourself." It is all true. I am fat, I am up to 290 again on my 5'3" frame. My voice does tend to carry, even when I don't mean it to. And I always seem to draw attention to myself whether I want to or not. It is not easy for an almost 300 lb woman to become invisible.

So while the fact that he is cruel and clinically mentally ill is a given, he knows me very well. Maybe better than I know myself. I have been acting like a spoiled child, seeing the candy or treats or whatever she wants, and just binging on it. Never mind how it impacts my life, my health. No matter the better jobs I would apply for if I had more confidence, or the things I could do with my kids. No matter that I am shortening my life-span and eating away at my self-respect with every bite. I want it, so I eat it. Exercise isn't fun, so I don't want to.

Well, today's the day I grow up. A new me is back in charge. A me that eats food because it is nutritious and fuel, and not because I am sad or lonely or bored. A me that just went for her morning walk (thank you) for the first time in months. There is a me that I like, that respects herself, who wants the best for me. I am on a journey to find her.

Heather C, your post moved me. (see, you have me rhyming too. ) I just wanted to say that although I am a 'newbie" and dont know you, that i think you will do it and make yourself healthier. From within your heart and soul you will take control and win the battle.
Don't give up on your dreams.
Linda

I just wanted to say that your post was a like a reality check for me and I understand exactly how you feel. hugs to you - Jennalynn :peace:

Hi Heather,
i know that you will find the person you are searching for and maybe she is closer than you think.
i admire you for such an honest and open post. i believe that you have heard your "click". that point that comes when you have had enough of how things are and set out on the journey to health and happiness.
i know that you can do this. you have so many people here that believe in you. my walks are always a good time for me to reflect on life and where i am headed on my journey.
i wish you much success, because you deserve it!
hugs bell :)

[ 05-08-2001: Message edited by: bell ]

Look out, World! A brand-new Heather is on her way!

God bless you, girl. Write your diary in advance.

Hugs,
ThinLynn

I am trying to figure out why I backslide, so I can NEVER have to go there again.
Sometimes I think the way I have tried to lose weight in the past,(super low-cal, sometimes fasting, full on workouts 7 days/week) is like mountain climbing up a huge peak, using only your fingernails. It only takes a little bump, a little slip, (money worries, man worries, kid worries, pizza with the works) and its the most natural thing in the world to slide right back down.

So I had a lot of worries these past few months. Here's a sample: I met, dated, and broke up with two men, one of whom treated me really awfully when I would not sleep with him; I was investigated and later cleared of a charge of child neglect; I am looking for a new job because who needs that crap but the looking is stressful, too; I threw a birthday party that had 25 kindergartners in my home; my sister (age 34) returned from a year teaching in Brazil and moved in with me, something I did not want because she is terribly critical of me, and we have had a couple of rows already and a whole lot of suppressed resentment. Then there is the normal stuff: I am a single mom to two, there is never enough money, the aforementioned emotionally abusive ex-husband whom I can not get completely away from because of his legal rights as a parent.

So there is value in examining the reasons, but my pity party for one has to end now if I want to move on. And I do. I know one thing: you can have success, or you can have excuses, but it's dang near impossible to have both.

What I want is to find a path up that mountain that is a slow, even climb. I am not sure I have the patience; my old compulsive ways want me to take drastic measures and GET THIS WEIGHT OFF NOW IF NOT SOONER. So I am back to 1200 cals, but I am hungry. So I am thinking of adding more fruit. I love hearing from you guys, thanks to all who posted! Love, Heather

Heather, you are a star * Look at the things you are conquering with each new day. You have the attitude to take you where you want to be and you will get there soon. I will be cheering you along the way. Thanks for responding to my journal. I was feeling really sad. I'm going to be OK though. Pity party has stopped. Take care. Love Linda

A new insight! It is probably NOT a good idea to make pineapple upside-down cake if:1. you love it 2. you are trying desperately to get back on a healthy eating program. Guess what I ate all day?! What a huge set-back, I'm really disappointed.
Today I am back to my old stand-bys: organic soy cereal w/skim milk, 3 fruits (orange, apple and red grapes, spread out over the day for snacks), stir-fry of broccoli, cauliflower and carrots with chicken breast in Teriaki sauce for lunch, and a big spinich salad and small salmon fillet for dinner. I am kind of a tree-hugger. I used to be a vegetarian, organic, strictly whole foods. I don't think I can handle that many restrictions right now, when I am only taking baby-steps to success. Maybe when I am stronger.
It is hard being a stay at home mom because the fridge is always there. But I can also grab the kids and go for a walk whenever I want. I have been walking 2-3 miles the last few days, and taking my vitamins again. I am making efforts to stay motivated. I know I can do it!! And I WILL NOT EVEN GO NEAR A POTHOLDER--no more baking! Love, Heather

Dear Heather, you say you are fat like it is a bad thing. Something your ex can rub your nose in. It just is. Fat is not a character flaw. Rubbing your nose in the things you don't like about yourself is a character flaw. People who lose weight like themselves and even the way they look, so says the Prevention Mag I got two years ago and dug out for motivation. So look in the mirror, at reality, and also look around you, and you will most likely find you are just a normal person with good points and things you aren't as happy about.

As for being loud. I think you should just use that voice to shout down all these negative comments you are getting. Don't shout at the people. Say thank you for your concern, I have to go now. Good-bye. And give yourself a pep talk. Write it down when you are feeling good about yourself, and shout to the entire room how proud of yourself you are that you can deal with such obnoxious people in such a mature manner. Being quiet isn't the answer. Disappearing isn't the answer. I was a wallflower with no voice for years. That didn't stop anyone from dumping on me when they felt the need to be a bully. He is being the loud mouth here, and he is making the spectical of himself. You are not a spectical. You are a wonderful woman.

And just a word about sisters. They know where your goat is tied up, so move it and leave no forwarding address. Love your sister, and don't play the old games. It will frustrate the heck out of her. You may now have the chance to form the relationship with her that two adult women can really appreciate.

HEATHER, Dreamweaver makes some great points. I couldn't have said it better. Also, I needed to say that i can relate to the stay at home mom thing. My 4yr old James is home with me. So, the frig is always a problem when I'm not thinking. Your menu sounds great though. Very balanced and healthy. I know you will succeed in this. Go forward young lady and stick with those who offer a positive influence in your life. We are all here for you. Take care, Love LInda

Staying at home is a problem. There is so much unstructured time, and if you are bored, the frig, cookie jar, and cupboards full of food are all right there. It is not a Mom thing.

I have to admit that I hardly thought about my diet at all this weekend. I was just crazy busy.

On Thursday, I got a surprise inspection on my daycare. Of course I had been baking with the little kids and the kitchen which is normally very clean, was a big ol' mess. And it was a gorgeous sunny day, so the kids had pretty much trashed the backyard playing out there. Long story long, I didn't pass my inspection. They gave me 2 days to get into compliance. That means cleaning and decluttering my house top to bottom, plus mowing and weed whacking and rearranging some storage areas. Which I would have been happy to do, except, I had to go out of town to a convention (for TOPS, weight loss club)and stayed at ex-husband's farm because he needed to be out of town so I offered to take care of the animals. That house was not fit for human habitation!! So I cleaned it because by court order my kids will be there all summer. So my weekend went like this: Friday: watch 10 kids until 6 pm, then mow lawns front and back and weed whack all around house and fence. Vacuum like crazy to get house ready to have carpets cleaned on Sat. while we are gone. Get to farm at 10:30 pm, feed animals and change sheets on bed so can sleep. Get licked by dogs all night (so happy to see me!) Saturday: feed animals, run to Walmart for cleaning supplies (he has NONE) and dish towells, cleaning cloths, etc. Then clean the kitchen which takes till it is time to go to my convention. In fact, am late. Go to convention, then come back and clean baths, mop whole house. Take out 9 bags of garbage, no exaggeration. Thank God that I left this man! :) Feed animals again, decide to check into motel to sleep with out the benefit of dog saliva waking me every 10 min.
Sunday: clean rest of house,take care of animals one last time, then start to drive home. Go on a mini-spending binge at Walmart. It's Mother's Day, right?! Go home and clean my own house. Seems so much easier now that I have seen the dregs of a dump and lived to tell the tale. Treat myself to dinner out with my beautiful kids. Feel like luckiest woman in the world when I get their gifts: kindergarten crafts and cards that say "I love you Mommy" all over them. Fall into bed utterly exhausted.

Sorry you had to live though the boredom! I'll let you know if I pass inspection. Love, Heather

hi heather,
what a hectic weekend you have had. i am sure you will do fine with the inspection, pity you had to clean the ex's place although in understand seeing as your kids will be staying there.
what a great way to end the weekend though with beautiful gifts from your kids. thats the most important thing the love of your children.
you are a wonderful person and i wish you all the happiness you deserve.
hugs bell :)

Hi Bell!

Your post made my night! Thank you for all the kind words and support! :x

The inspector didn't come today but I am ready for him. The kids are all really rallying behind me and helping to keep it clean.
Love, Heather :x

Wow Heather! I got tired just reading about all that work! You are AWSOME!!! Hope the inspection goes well!! *

Hi, Heather! You are one busy chick-a-dee!

I did in-home daycare back in the early 70's when my daughters were both pre-schoolers, so that I could support the three of us after Mr. Wonderful walked out. I only took in 3 other kids, so inspections weren't a big problem.

But several years later, my new husband (who is now my husband of 30 years) filed a petition to adopt my girls, and let me tell you, inspections became a way of life for us! I couldn't believe it! They were MY KIDS! But these women would show up at the door unannounced, and proceed to go through the entire house. They turned down the girl's beds, opened their dresser drawers and closets, stuck their faces into the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets - all the while making notes.

This went on for 6 months (4 inspections during that time frame.) I was a wreck! It's hard to keep a house in tip-top order when you have 5 pre-schoolers underfoot 5 days a week, and 2 of them for 7 days a week.

I hope that things turn out as well for you as they did for me. Bob was granted the adoption, and I became a MUCH better housekeeper because of that 6 months from hell. Good luck!!!

ThinLynn

Wow, Thinlynn, I so admire you for being able to deal with that intrusion! I feel a bit violated...or just kind of judged and found wanting. I feel this need to justify my exsistence. "See!" I will shout, "my juice stains are gone forever! My kitchen is so clean you can eat off the floor, in fact some of the toddlers do it untill I stop them!" :)lol I know that I will be stronger and tidier for all this, but at the moment what I am is paranoid.

I went for my walk today with my friend Lilly and she always vents about her hubby and he is a lot like my ex and I secretly am smug and happy to be on my own, hard as it is. Our walks are tremendous therapy! I recommend a daily girlfriend walk to anyone! Wag your lips and slim your hips!

I have lost 2 lbs this week, probably from so much activity since I have been eating on the run and not properly. But I am happy to watch the numbers go DOWN for the first time in weeks.

Hugs to Thinlynn and Sooz and LindaSue and Dreamweaver and all the people who have reached out to me when I was feeling so bad about myself. Couldn't make it through a day without my DT! Love, Heather

Heather, I've been thinking about you for a couple days and haven't been able to gt on line to do anything about it. My mother in law was visiting. She just left and now I have the cleaning to do. I hate intrusions too. I feel violated. I know things will be going your way and that all will turn out well for you. I'm glad the numbers are moving downward. I agree, talking is the best medicine.
Have a great day Heather.
Love Linda

Thanks for posting me Heather dear. It made my day. I hope yours is going well. I know that you can do this. Let me know if theres anything I can do for you. OK? Take care. Love, Linda

Hurrah! I got inspected today! Wait, was that me saying that?! Well, its only because my hard work paid off and I passed just fine, thank you. I feel much better about myself. But I still want a different job!! I am going to a job fair on May 23rd, and I am going to bring like 100 resumes and plaster the place with them. :laugh: I of course wish I could lose oh, about 150 lbs before then, but I don't guess that's an entirely reasonable expectation, lol! I guess they will have to love the me they see, and I will, too. :x

In the mean time, I am walking daily, eating healthfully and praying for patience. (Hurry, God, I need it right now!) Hugs to you, LindaSue!(see, still ryhming!)and Baylee, Sooz, and Dreamweaver too! I better go, 'fore they put me in the zoo! Love, Heather

so glad that the inspection went well heather. of course i knew it would :)
i understand you feeling judged etc. but deep down you know what a great job you are doing and now so do they.
i hope that the resume plastering goes well and they will love you for being your wonderful self!
hugs bell :)

Boy...what a difference in your journal, Heather. From anger at the past and frustration about the daily events to getting your space organized, maintaining your professional credentials and planning for a new career. Kudos to you girl...you are awesome.

A busy weekend ahead, but I just wanted to check in. I had another good day, that makes 2 OP days under my belt, as Bell would say. I am putting little stars on the calendar for each day I stay on program. Do you reckon I have been hanging out with toddlers a little too long?! Next thing you know I will be scribbling on the wall and putting my shoes on the wrong feet. lol :laugh:The stars let me have something more tangible to see until the pounds start rolling off of me.

Artsy, Baylee, you guys are right, I do feel so much better and stronger in just a few days. Going to TOPS last Tuesday was rotten, I had a gain again, (my scale had me down 2 lbs but theirs is probably more accurate) and I had not done that well on my program, that's when I was cleaning and in a bit of a frenzy. Well anyway, I just decided come heck or high water I am going to have a loss at that meeting next Tuesday. And I will. My old stubborness is back in charge. It is like I have two aspects of my personality: one is toddler type who is messy and sees what she wants and eats it. The other is the stubborn as a mule adult who won't get off course a bit once she sets her mind on it, or more accurately, when she gets angry enough to take action. They are pretty extreme opposites, and the conflict causes me lots of pain. I wish a middle-of-the-road kind of me could be in charge! At least now, my drill sergeant is in charge, so we can expect some good losses on her watch. I sound like I have MPD (multiple personality disorder) but it is nothing like that. At least I hope not! lol Love, Heather

Well, ahem, no stars on my chart this weekend! It was just mad busy, the way most of my weekends are. Here is what I did: Fri. night: softball game. My 8 yr. old daughter's team, who had been just awful at the beginning of the season, has improved so much its scary. They beat the best team in the league on Friday, one that was previously undefeated and had mopped the floor with our team 3 other times!! I am so proud of those girls, especially Laura, my little moppet. She is very inexperienced, never touched a ball before this season, and was a pretty good hitter but got so scared when she was up to bat with all those people staring at her. Well, she got her first hit of the season (she had been walked on to base all season before) and got an RBI. I was sooo proud. That's my girl! Saturday: Laura's marching band played at the opening of a sewer. That's right, a sewer. It was quite a big deal, we are tree-hugging environmentalists around here, and this new sewer is going to clean the water and save the fish, etc,etc, so they had a little environmental fair and food and games and a marching band. So we went to that, then a tee-ball game for my son Joey, 6, then another softball game (we won 20-9!!) can you say bleacher butt! 'cuz I have it. It's when your butt gets sore from sitting through 2 little league games in one day. Sunday: church, visit with mom and dad who've been away, get new glasses (cool how you can get them in an hour!) and mow the lawn and put in huge flower garden. If I haven't mentioned what I ate, it's 'cuz I hardly remember. There were definitely hot dogs in there, though (oops) but I had vegetarian chili and salad yesterday at church. But I also had a yummy sandwich from Honey Baked Ham while I was waiting for the glasses...dang mall...and me a former vegetarian! Aaagghh...its all coming back to me...a fat flashback...a fatmare!! Oh well, todays a new day, new week, new attitude. Love ya! Heather

I bet you won't gain, Heather...sounds like you did enough running around to burn a few hundred extra calories. I will keep my fingers crossed for a good start to this week for you, and keep up those "girlfriend walks"...that's what I need to do.

Caution! Falling pounds! At least I hope so. I had a really good OP day yesterday, except Lily, my walking partner bagged out on me. Claims its "Lady's Holiday." I told her that excuse expires in 7 days, but she says she only feels rotten the first day or so. I could have gone on my own, and almost did, but the school called. My daughter is sick, she may have strep, or it may be mono! The doctor said she needs a blood test in a few days. Anyway, doncha hate it when the babies are sick? Even when they are not babies anymore. Even so I ate healthfully, though not enough. At the end of the day I did dietwatch and was shocked to see I only ate 850 calories. OOps. I will eat more sensibly and just MORE today.
I have a TOPS meeting tonight, so I will log my weight tomorrow. I am fairly sure I will have a loss because I did pretty good the rest of the week with just two slips on the weekend. Hey Artsy, I have a good friend who lives in Pt.Roberts, WA. It is super close to B.C. Where do you live in B.C.?
Have a great week all! Love, Heather

Wow! I released 10 lbs! Incredible. Remember I said that my scale said a loss the week before, but TOPS scale had me up? Well maybe mine was right, or I was wearing a particularly heavy outfit when I weighed at TOPS. Because last night I went from 298.5 (a breath away from the 300 I swore on all that is holy that I would never see again!) to 288.5, much further away from the dreaded 300. Even with such good progress it is hard to be happy with 288.5 when I was 239.5 in November. Sigh. That was then, this is now. I am just tickled pink to feel back in control and making progress.

Today I go to a job fair and I am as nervous as...(insert your favorite descriptive coloquiolism here). I still have so much to do: print out my resume, get the daycare all ready for the sub, find inner poise...I guess I better go get started! Love, Heather

Wow Heather, Congratulations on releasing 10 pounds :) :) I like that you said release instead of lost! You're on your way down and you will get there!!! Best of Luck on your journey :rose: * :rose: Jerry LaVonn

Release is a good way of putting it. Maybe better than saying lost...I mean...I wouldn't want to find it agian LOL. Good work! Keep it up! You can do it! :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose:

Yesterday I almost blew it! My calorie count was a little light, so I decided to have a serving of Keebler fudge stripe cookies, which is 3 cookies. I ended up eating 9 of them!!! But this story has a happy ending because I still did not go over my calorie limit of 1200. I told myself "that's it, you are not going back to that bag again, this is not a carte blanche ticket to binge the rest of the day. this changes nothing! You are still having a sensible, light dinner and not getting bent out of shape fretting over this." and then, miracle of miracles, I did it! This was a big breakthrough for me as a compulsive eater. My scale says I am still doing fine, too.

I already posted about the miserable job fair. Why can't someone just give me a new job without me actually having to do anything?! Just like, "Here's a job, it's fun and creative and meaningful and it pays $100,000 a year. When can you start?" That would be just fine with me. :laugh: I think the mistake I madeon my resume and the stress of the job fair sent me to the cookie packet in the first place. I mean, when my cals are on the light side, I can always stir fry up some veggies or have a couple pieces of fruit. Anyway, another day another pound or so! :) Hugs to all out there. If you drop in, please post and just say hi! I just want to know who all is here with me. Love, Heather

10 pounds released forever!!!!!!!!
YAY heather! you are doing so awesome! sorry that the job fair wasnt all you hoped for. but i know that there is a great job out there for you. hopefully mine is waiting right there next to it lol. i am getting bored with mine but money is money is guess.
see you for the weekend challenge my friend we will do great this weekend!
hugs bell :)

Guess what?! I got a shiny, brand new tricycle! Now I know I am hanging out with the toddlers too much! :laugh: I got an adult tricycle such as are favored by grannies everywhere. I love it because I can use it for short shopping trips because it has a basket in the back, and because it is very safe and stable. And I get to ring the bell! So maybe my grannie tricycle will help me get over my toddler ways, and I will act my age of 31.
Still eating well, hungry a lot (not sure why) but so far I am hanging tough. My "wag your lips and slim your hips" walk was spoiled today by one of my daycare cherubs screaming her head off the whole way. Did it anyway, though. I have still been doing an extra walk v. early in the morning, like 5:30 am, in case Lily boges out on me, so I have no excuse to miss my exercise. I have also been doing some free weights.
Hugs to all! Love, Heather

photo please heather! i have a mental picture of you racing the toddlers on your tricycle lol...
glad all is going well and that you got your walk in despite distractions lol. i know the feeling, i normally do my floor work with my 18 month old lying on top of me for resisitance lol.
keep up the great work my friend.
hugs bell :)

The tricycle sounds like a great idea and alot of fun. Re: the job fair...maybe you could get the list of all the participating businesses and mail them an updated resume. You could just contact the organizer and see if that is possible.

Have a great weekend free wheeling around your town and burning off those calories.

ET phone home!!!!!!
where are you hiding my friend. hope all is well with you.
hugs bell :)

Everything is just ducky! Seriously, yesterday I had a big garage sale and am constantly amazed how people will pay me to cart off all the junk I wanted to get rid of anyway. Now if someone would just pay me to take off my fat!! But until that happens, at least I now have a clean storage room, and I made a over $100, and believe me, I had nothing that great to sell. But my eating has not been that great. A neighbor made us some cookies ( I mow her lawn for her because she is elderly and because I like the exercise) and they were sooo good that I ate more than a few. :( So much for the weekend challenge. Then my mom made spareribs, something I NEVER have anymore but dearly love, and if you are going to have ribs, you might as well have potato salad, and well...maybe, just maybe I have been hiding out, Bell, because I am not doing so well, but I will be getting right back on track in the am without fail. Isn't that what Monday's are for?! :laugh: Love, Heather

mondays are a great day for a fresh start heather!
check your private messages too ok?
glad you managed to sell some at the garage sale too. one persons trash is anothers treasure.
hugs bell :)

good morning heather :)
just thought i would check in with you before i head to bed.
here is a brand new week for you to make your mark on. may it be filled with lots of healthy and happy OP days!
hugs bell :)

I feel rotten. I skipped TOPS last night because I really screwed up over the weekend and I just didn't want to have to face the scale. The dumb thing is, I really need to see my friends for support and to help me get on track. Skipping the meeting feels like I am punishing myself. I was depressed and went to Baskin Robbins but I came out and I was still depressed and my program shot to ribbons for the day. I am breaking the cycle! I woke up (more like forced myself out of bed) and went for a 2 miler (walk) this morning. I will also walk with Lily later, so I have a friend to turn to and support and who supports me. I got a beautiful and huge office desk and I have so much room for my computer and my papers! Its lovely. There is nothing else to do but focus on the positive and begin again. And again, if necessary. Thanks for listening to me! Love, Heather

Hey Heather! Congrats on the 10 pound loss!!!! How I would love to say that. But its coming I've lost 9 pounds. :)
I'm inspired to get out and excercise today.. Wow a 2 miler eh? Good for you! I just try to work out for about an hour when I work out, I find it easier to focus on the time rather than the distance as sometimes I do aerobics and different things for the excercise, not just walking but whatever works for you! Stick to it!

257/249/125 ;)

Heather..sorry you have been having a hard time of it lately. It is all part of the process.

Good for you to get back to your walking today. Forget about the last weekend and the missed TOPS meeting and just look to the day ahead. Don't feel bad about the mistakes. It is just part of the process of getting to know yourself and finding out what works and what doesn't work.

You need to talk to your neighbour about the cookies, since that set you off in the first place. Could she make you something different next time like a vegetable platter or vegetable soup? Give it some thought. You need to get your dear mom to support your program too. Once you get all your friends behind you it will get easier. Keep going to TOPS, even if you messed up. It seems that you find alot of support there and why punish yourself by denying the support you would get by going? At worst you could describe the things that lead you astray and ask people how they would approach the problems you had. Just keep up the good fight and your results will accumulate one pound at a time.

hi heather, i was starting to worry about where you had gotten to my friend.
look forward now and how about coming over to the goal board and making a set of goals for the week. i will meet you there and i'll make some too.
everyone makes somes mistakes and thats all part of the journey. learning from them though is always a bonus. you will know what brings this on next time.
you will have a successful week. i know it. your desk sounds great too. plenty of room to spread things around.
hugs bell :)

STRESS...the cause of 99% of overeating is STRESS! I really think so...like being bored (a kind of stress from being not busy enough) overworked (from being too busy) even happy (all the preparation for happy events causes stress) or let down from happy things being over. So I am working on ways to deal with stress. I have my daily walk. I have my friends. I have meditation, which I love but can't get myself to do daily. I want to try yoga, I have a video that is really cool but I am not sure I can get myself in those particular pretzels! Anyone out there do it? What is your favorite method of stress reduction? (Sex is unfortunately out as I am on my own right now!lol) Love, Heather

stress is someething that i need to work on too heather. i seem to let myself get worried about things that could be sorted out without so much anxiety.
i know that discomama(joni) has been doing yoga and loves it. check out her 20 week comittment journal.
private message me your email address please.
hugs bell :)

I find hanging out with my dog is great therapy. He is so happy-go-lucky and into the moment that he is a good influence on me. He always makes me smile. Can you borrow a dog to take with you on your outings?

Aerobic exercise (fast walking, etc.) first thing in the morning is a great way to set up for the day.

Talking to friends is probably one of the best ways to get through a tough period. My friends offer me great support.

I also love to escape by reading a good book. I always have something on the go, and I like to read in the morning before the household gets moving, or read before bed.

Hurrah for this lovely weather!! I worked my butt off yesterday (hopefully literally lol) mowing the lawns and weedwhacking. The lawn looks great, and I always get so huffing and puffing that I get red in the face, I am working so hard. The thing I love about it is that it is so distracting that I never notice I am getting a super workout until I stop to get a drink of water (its 90 degrees out there!) and realize that I am almost spent. My neighbor is a single guy, and could give a flying leap about his lawn. It was getting to be waist high! I saw the guy that gives out tickets standing in front of his lawn and writing out a $150 ticket! So I said, "Oh don't give him that! He works for the airlines (true but he's home every day, teehee) and I know he is planning to do his lawn today (big fat lie)" Well I was red in the face and sweet talking the guy, and I got the guy to say he will wait till tomorrow to give him the ticket. Then I went ahead and did his lawn for him. It was DANG HARD! I had to empty the bag about every other pass! I was afraid my mower would burn out! Luckily, he has a rather small lawn compared to me. But this completes my random act of kindness for the week! lol I guess this makes up for all the times my kids woke him up (he works nights and they are noisy on their way to school, not my own but my daycare kids). So I ate very healthfully and did all that work, and the pound down on the scale makes me feel a lot better about my lousy weekend and missing my meeting. I am back on track, hurrah! Love, Heather

Guess you found a cure for that stress! That was a lot of work! For your Yoga, start with some of the basic poses. Standing mountain, child's pose. Just see what Your flexibility is, never push, but relax into it. Keep your mind open and focus on maintaining a good body position. If you have to go out of alignment to force a position, just back off instead. Proper position is the most important aspect, next to breathing.

Wow Heather. I've been gone 2 weeks and look how far you've come. I'm so proud and happy for you. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Take care.
Love Linda

It started yesterday...sore throat, head ache, and I found myself nodding off with all the kids there!! Crushing fatigue. Then I took my temp and I was 101! So I asked a friend to take my little boy overnight (my daughter flat out refused to go but she is no trouble) and I just slept. I kept alternating from swelteringly hot to the chills...just nasty. I am feeling a lot better, but just TIRED. Anyway I hope it is just one of these "quick and ugly" viruses. On the up side, I am not eating much :)
Thanks, Artsy and Dreamweaver for the stress reducing ideas. I have been trying the yoga tape, before I felt so rotten and it is very gentle and accomodating and I am surprised at how flexible I am. So I think I will keep that up. Hugs to all, I'll write more when I feel human. Love, Heather

Well today my fever is gone but I still have a throat that feels like hamburger. Ironic, 'cause I never eat hamburger! lol I am starting Day One of a 3-day "Health Binge"! I am going to eat mostly fruits and veggies and only the very healthiest everything. I will exercise very gently (I am still sick) like a slow walk or try that yoga again. I will take lots of baths, take all my vitamins, and give myself facials and pampering, like I was at a spa. On day 3 I will get a massage! I will read very positive books and not watch the news or be around negative people. I will spend a lot of time in fresh air, sunshine and nature. I will buy myself flowers! I got this idea for a Health Binge from a book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Women." I like all the "Don't Sweat the Small Suff" books. The idea is to get you excited about getting healthy and enliven a stale routine. I will let you know how it goes! I think I will start a thread on this so people can join me if it goes well. Love, Heather

Heather! Hope your throat is feeling better soon. I am with you on that 3 day health binge. My daughter's last day of school before summer is Thusrday. If I start this on Monday, I should be relaxed and happy and energetic by the time she is home with me and demanding McDonalds every other minute on Thursday. I will include the healthy fruits veggies and grains to cleanse my system and get rid of all the fat I had yesterday when we went out to eat. Yuck. I will drink a ton of wter, exercise as always but include some extra solitude time. Maybe plug in the headset when I walk with the kids to relax me. My little guy James will help me along the way for the 3 days. He is no stress at all. On Friday I will have the neighbor take both kids for awhile while I go to the beauty shop for a haircut and manicure. Sounds heavenly. Then I will return the favor to her by watching her little monster...oops, little angel :) Thanks for the thoughts there. I can't wait.

Love LInda

Hi HeatherC,Thanks for wondering where I've been.I didn't think anyone would notice.Hope you're feeling better.I pop in once in awhile.When I need some motivation to keep on track I come here to read how people are doing.I joined WW last Wed.I hope it works for me.I'm looking forward to weigh in cuz my friend should be gone by then and I was holding alot of water.I read all 4 pages of your journal.Well good luck to you.I think I'm gonna start a new journal after I have my weigh in at WW this week.
Daisy
177.4/?/120-125

Well I must say I am enjoying my 3 day "Health Binge!" Here are my goals:
1. To eat super healthy: unprocessed, whole food, organic, fruity, veggie, and forgo treats for 3 days. Hopefully will do a little detox by doing that, usually I feel great after. So far, doing great. I put what I ate at the end of the post.
2. To be super nice to me! I am pampering myself with baths and girly type beauty stuff: facial mask, nails done, new hair do.
3. Also trying to soul nourish: avoiding negative people/situations, going outdoors a lot for communing with nature and even neighbors, checking out all the gorgeous gardens in bloom, reading really positive and uplifting "stuff"
4. Exercising very gently (I've been ill :()
so have been walking slow, riding my big red tricycle (its true love :x )even stepping out of my comfort zone and putting myself in yoga poses (still feels a bit pretzel-ish and not so natural, but also VERY relaxing, good) even just playing with my kids and feeling what its like to have fun moving my body
5. Swilling down lots of water (bleh. I so prefer iced tea. I drink so much ice tea normally it runs in my veins. I am limiting the caffeinated tea to 2 glasses of iced tea all day, but I have no intention of giving it up entirely because I truly love it and I am not convinced it is entirely unhealthy).
6. Taking my vitamins. I take a multi, plus C, E, and calcium, and omega-3 fatty acid. Also eating lots of garlic, 'cuz I'm still sick. Also like it. Always do take my vitamins, so no prob. Got the supplements and amounts out of Dr.Andrew Weil's "8 weeks to Optimum Health." V. good book.
7. Getting lots of rest! Not hard cause I am proverbially sick, and therefore, tired.

Except for the eating healthy/water, it has all been easy and frankly fun, though I don't always have time for all this "spa" stuff. Ya gotta try this! Love Heather
PS oh yeah, this is what I ate: oatbran hot cereal sprinkled with flax seeds (it was good!) for breakfast, big huge large melon/fruit salad with watermelon, cantaloupe, cherries, strawberries, blueberries (yum), Big bowl of Dahl (Indian dish of lentils, potatoes, tomatoes, garlic, carrots, onion), teriaki soy nuts, low-fat soy milk (fortified w/ calcium, vitamins) salmon with dijon/honey marinade and big spinich salad w/tomato, cucumber and italian dressing (reduced olive oil homemade).

[ 06-04-2001: Message edited by: HeatherC ]

Sounds great Heather! DO you have a recipe for that indian dish with the lentils? That is right up my alley. I'm with you on this although a day behind. It should be a very relaxing 3 days. Even got someone to pick up my daughter at school to give me an extra 40 minutes of peace. Take care and enjoy!!!!!!!!!
Love Linda :x

Your health binge sounds wonderful. What does the family think of all this? Sorry you were sick, this ought to help you bounce back.

I would love to share the recipe for Dahl, LindaSue! It is really yummy. I got it out of a Mennonite cookbook and it is from someone actually living in India so it is pretty authetic. I will post it in the recipes forum! :) Heather

Heather!! That recipe is the best. I could eat that once a week easily. Grilled some chicken too for the rest of the family and they cut it up and mixed it in together with the lentils. Only my daughter refused to look at it, but that is normal for her. Thanks again for sharing.

Take care
Love, Linda

you sound so focused and relaxed heather, you could be at a spa somewhere instead of in your home. pamering you and looking after yourself inside and out is such a great feeling.
i will check out the recipe board. i have never really given lentils a try before.
keep going strong my friend.
hugs bell :)

I love your idea, Heather! Three day health binge!!! That's the kind of binge we should all go on. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

Karolyn

Hi Heather. Missed you this morning. Had a bad food day. Feel better about it now though. Spilled my guts in my journal and going on from there. Those lentils were out of this world. Hope your day is going well.Take care.

Love Linda

Hi All! I'm glad you liked the Dahl, LindaSue! Today I made navy bean soup and it was yummy. And homemade honey whole wheat bread (say that 3 times fast!)

DreamWeaver, my family doesn't mind the whole deal too much at all. My daughter (8) is a vegetarian and used to eating very healthfully. Joey (6) is used to mom serving weird foods. He has learned to make himself a PB&J or yogurt and fruit! He is usually game to at least try new things. We never have junk food in the house, anyway. I find it too tempting. Plus I think it should be "special occasion" food and not everyday food. And of course they like that I am playing with them more and that we are spending more time outside.

Today I ate well, but not much. My little girl got hurt at school and I was very worried about her. She will be fine, thank you God. It rained so I have not been outside as much, but I did do a Tae Bo tape and some free weights. Thanks for the kind words, Karolyn! Hope you all are going to try this...it feels so good. Love, Heather

Remarkable woman you are Heather! I am glad your daughter is doing well. I worry about my 8 all the time. SHe is a little on the show off side and always bumping and bruising. ANd the Tae-Bo. Thats a trip. I do it alot. He's some slave driver. I think the 8 minute workout is really a blast. I do it usually 4 times a week. Thanks for your encouragement. I am fine and topped out at 1400 cals today with 45 gms fat. Not bad at all. I'll catch you tomorrow sweetie. Take care and get some rest!
Love Linda

An apple a day keeps the doctor away! I hope you are healthy. I think I may be on the road to recovery. My appitte is back, that's for sure. I'm glad to hear your kids are so supportive, and actually look at the whole thing as a game. It works for everyone.

Heather. How is your daughter feeling. I was thinking about her this morning. Is she going into 3rd grade in the Fall? Maybe she'd like to write my Sarah (also 8 )once in awhile. Sarah loves to write.

Doing the totallly veggie and fruit and grain day today.

Hope your day is turning out well! I will write again soon.

Love Linda

Hi All! Well, my Health Binge is officially over, but I have those healthy leftovers hanging around, so I will still be enjoying the healthy food for a little longer :) My daughter is feeling much better, still very stiff and sore but not a whiner at all, she is a brave girl. She has a blue belt in Tae Kwon do so she is used to being kicked, etc, and not unaccustomed to a certain amount of pain. I am so relieved that she is ok! Here's my brilliant plan: go to a parade when I have a bad migraine! V. smart I know, but I can't disappoint the kids so I will muddle through. That's ok, I am a tough chick too! :laugh: My Health Binge resulted in another pound released, and I feel much, much better and more firmly in control of my program. I went for my "sanity walk" as I call it (my early morning walk solo to meditate and clear my head, prepare for the day) and I also did some yoga that I am starting to almost enjoy. Still feels a bit weird. I will be walking plenty at the parade (can't park too close) so I think my exercise is covered for today. HUGS to all, Love, Heather

Heather, congrats on your health binge (successfully completed) and for losing another pound, and for not being derailed over your daughter's injury. I hope you have a great time at the parade. Keep it going!

glad that your daughter is keeping a brave face. sounds like the parade will be fun and you will get some exercise in...an added bonus!
hugs bell :)

glad that your daughter is keeping a brave face. sounds like the parade will be fun and you will get some exercise in...an added bonus!
hugs bell :)

Unfortunately, the parade was more long than fun, if ya know what I mean. But I was a good mom and cheered and took pictures, and that's what's the important thing. I did get LOTS of exercise. I liked my Health Binge so much I am going to do it again and am making a pitch for others to try. Mine sort of got interrupted with my sickness and my daughter's accident. So I am going for it again. I ate something junky yesterday--Ritz Bits cheese crackers--it was gross but I was hungry so I ate it. Bummer. I wish I would have planned ahead for the parade, brought some fruit or Ak-Maks. Oh well, in my next life I'll be perfect! :) Love, Heather

Heather!! The parade sounded like fun. I would have been the other obnoxoius mother across the street screaming my sarahs name out and tripping over people trying to take pictures. Actually, I've gotten a bit better about embarrassing her. Anyway, maybe I'm stupid but what is an "Ak-Mak?" Also, thanks for the advice with the kiddoes. I am looking forward to it. Their mom called today and said they wanted to pack their bags to stay here for the summer. We only live a field away. I think I should make my computer off limits so I can come online and vent!!but I need to have it there for them too. We'll see. About the Ritz bits, it could have been alot worse. you are still doing great.
Take care,
Linda

LindaSue, you are definitely a smarty, so don't worry! Ak-maks are a whole wheat crackers. I think they are Armenian. They are a good alternative cracker to all those "partially hydrogenated shortning" trans-fat loaded crackers and cookies. A lot of people think those trans-fats are responsible for lots of cancer as well as heart disease, so I stay away from them. That means no marjarine or shortning. So how do I bake? It's easy, I just use oil, which is fine in limited quantities, especially olive oil. Anyway, you can find Ak-Maks in the cracker isle by Rye Crisp and stuff like that. They are really cheap and good. Give 'em a try. :) Love, Heather

I am checking in after a busy, busy weekend. I am done with all my health binging, just going back to regular old sensible eating. I am exercising at home (no walk) because its raining. I don't mind the rain but my walking partner does and it is probably good because I need more variety. So I will do a step tape. I am concentrating on forgiving myself of wasted time. I feel like that is what is holding me back now. I am still angry at myself. But I am going to let that go by just concentrating on whatever I can do TODAY. I am going to focus just on today. I don't post my food 'cuz I eat the same dang thang every day almost. When I alter it much, I binge. But I am OP. Better go now and do my step! Love, Heather

Heather, Being angry at yourself is just a waste of time. (I would only say that to family) Now, Forgive, forget and move on. you are doing so well. Just off the 3 day health binge, encouraging countless people with your posts online and being good to yourself. You are being good to yourself. Those step tapes are murder, and if you did that today I bet you are feeling better already. I am still concentrating on the kids. One more hour and they go home. They are still getting used to being together. Also, the one is coughing all over. I cant have James sick for his tooth appt on June 22. I hope it passes quickly. He handled the extractions like a trooper/ This final ordeal is just a crown ,sealant and a filling. Nonetheless, it is general anesthesia,2 hours under because the crown takes so long and I am nervous. I know they are capable. It is a pediatric dentist and I trust her. Hopefully this is the end of the road to a happier James. I imagine that his one tooth hurts on and off. It is like a crater in there. Unbelieveably. Gettysburg doesnt flouridate their drinking water and his pediatrician never gave him flouride as a baby. I could strangle him.
Tomorrow is a day off already with a dentit consult in the morning and a day out with just my kids. Then back to the babysitting for the rest of the week.
I am liking this structure. I hope I feel this way 4 weeks from now.
Take care.
Love Linda

Hey, Heather...what are you glum about? Step tapes, eating on plan, health binges...all this sounds like a pretty wonderful trend. Keep up the good work!

you are doing well heather! nothing to be down on yourself about in this journal thats for sure. you are also wonderful at supporting and inspiring others.
hugs bell :)

Thank you, LindaSue! It is too true, and I needed a kick in the keister to get me out of my pity party that was dressed up as regret. Artsy, Bell, I know you are right, I just need to focus on what I am doing TODAY because that is all I have to work with, anyway. My mind knows all this, but sometimes the longest journey we ever have to make is the 18 inches from our heads to our hearts.

I guess this is all hitting me because I am going through some MAJOR transitions in this next week, that I haven't even wanted to think about: my kids are living with my ex on his farm all summer. School gets out tomorrow, and they go down there on Mon. They will be back on Friday, thank God, but they go down again the next Sunday, and so on. I know that he is a good dad,(he can be a jerk to me, but never in front of them. We have always tried to put them first in everything, and to spare them any animosity between us, from day 1) and he has lots of activities planned for them. But he has never had them for more than a week at a time. Also, he tends to be a slob, and I am worried that they will be well taken care of. There is nothing I can do; it is court ordered and I won't do my kids any good from jail. All I can do is go see them every weekend, which I absolutely will do (they will be about 2 hrs away) and make sure their clothes are washed, that they have healthy food and baths, and all that. I know they will be just fine, I am just not sure about me...

I am also stopping daycare on June 30th, period, and I have yet to find a new job...which makes me nervous! I know I can get a job, I just want a good one. And of course I wish I was about 150 lbs lighter. I am smart and capable but my confidence is shot. I have been out of the job market for a long time...

Well, my eating was not great (I had breakfast at McDonalds, special treat to my daughter who had to have blood drawn, and thought I was doing well getting a bagel. Now find out it had 600 cals! plus soda.) but I don't even care right now. I am going for my walk. :) Love, Heather

Kudos to you, Heather, for going for a walk and facing all your transitions instead of eating and denying. You are a strong woman and you will make the best of the summer. Personally, I think that a woman who runs her own business successfully should be a pretty hot commodity out in the job market. Can you go for any employment counselling in your area? Do you have any idea what type of work you would like to do? Seems to me I recall that you are pretty educated. How about applying with the civil service (federal, state, county). I will keep my fingers crossed for you and think good thoughts on your behalf.

Thank you, thank you Artsy, for your kind, kind words. I am pretty bad off today. I really binged yesterday...I got depressed about the stupid bagel, and all the other stuff I wrote about. I still walked, I still took my vitamins. It helps me to think of my program as having 4 parts: Healthy eating, Exercise, Positive Thinking, and Supplements. So even if one or two parts go wrong, if I can keep up the other parts I am that much closer to getting back on track. I just do whatever I can and hang on by my fingernails till I get the eating back on track...

My prob is that I get scared, and then I get paralyzed. I have known I need to find a job for months, but I have not worked that hard at it because I HATE it so much (job hunting) and essentially because I have a ton of fear about this, my size, being rejected, etc. I am tempted to take much less than I really deserve...it is the old low self-esteem rearing its head.

I will take your suggestion and get some counseling on this...I think it will help a lot, if only to feel like I'm not all alone in this...Great big hugs for your help. Love, Heather

Hi Heather,

You are so right about job hunting. It's really the pits!! You'll just have to use the same methods you are using to get healthy. One step at a time and do what you can each day. The counseling is a great place to start.

Having your kids move 2 hours away for the summer will be tough, but you will get to see them and just think how much you will have to talk about at each visit. It's good that you don't have to worry about them being mistreated. They will survive a skipped bath or two (they'll probably think it's fun) and spending time with their father is a good thing.

Don't let this get you down. You have been doing so well, and we are all behind you. It will get better.

Karolyn

Hey Heather, hang in there...we are all behind you. Job hunting does indeed suck big time, but if you visualize yourself in the job you deserve, it might help you.

By the way, if you are gonna eat breakfast at McDonalds, get an egg mcmuffin...three food groups and only 290 calories. Not bad!

Good luck and best thoughts to you.
J.

Heather if you didn't have those feelings or anyone else for that matter I don't think we would be normal.. I mean a new job is like following a weight loss plan.. It's scary..Darn well scary...There are mixed emotions...Will everyone accept me??? Will I do okay??? Heather you WILL be fine...HUGS TO YOU...

Heather, it sounds to me like you're dealing with some real self-esteem issues, and aren't we all? Certainly being married to someone abusive doesn't help. This might be where your "loudness" comes from (your first post). All the suppressed frustration and anger is simmering right below the surface. I know I've had the same problem with being a little high-strung, and I know this is where it's come from. And if you're someone who hasn't been shown a lot of love, it's easy to turn to food as a comfort. (Food doesn't yell at you. Food doesn't criticize you. Food good. People bad.) :laugh:

One thing that's helped me a lot is to picture in my mind the woman that I want to be. Graceful, dignified, beautiful inside and out, and then act like that woman. This helps with anything we're trying to accomplish, even looking for a job. You're not an inexperienced bundle of nerves who binges, you're a skilled, confident, capable, intelligent, strong, dignified, beautiful person who has decided to grace an employer with her presence.

Try it! Get that picture in your mind, then hold your head up high. The more you tell yourself that that's who you are, the more you believe it, and pretty soon you won't have to convince yourself of it, because it will be true.

You're the best and you deserve better. Hope everything works out!

:peace:

Heather I know you are going through a really scary thing right now, worried about your kids and how you are going to get along without them..it is a very tough situation..I think it is going to be toughest on you..kids dont mind having different standards at different places..they will adjust to that..I know for me when my daughter got married, and my son moved out after he graduated from college, and here I was...totally out of the mother business for good it really threw me for a loop...even leading up to the wedding it was total stress...what I decided to do was just try to control the one thing I had hopes of controlling, since I couldnt control the situation, I could control ME...maybe you could just concentrate on that as something to hang on to and focus on..and let the rest go...I know how hard it is for you...take care... :rose:

good morning heather.
wish i lived near you i would come and give you a big hug, sounds like you need one.
self esteem or lack of it has been my biggest hurdle in my journey. its a tough thing to beat, but look at all the wonderful responses you have gotten.
we all support you heather and can only begin to understand all tha you are going through.
big hugs to you my friend. we are here for you.
hugs bell :)
p.s my email is bell9973@yahoo.com.au
if you ever need someone to listen.

I am wiping away a tear...I have never known such caring and supportive people. I have been "on my own" forever. Even when I was married, my husband was so incapacitated by depression that everything fell to me. (He's on medication now, does great.) I also am a person who believes that I must focus on the positive, and I am around people who feel the same way, so it is kind of a "no whiners" atmosphere. But that has made it very difficult for me to accept help and support from loving friends, much less to ask for it. So I can not tell you the incredible love and relief I felt when I read all of your responses! :x Karolyn, Joanne, thank you for all the kind words. I WILL get a good job, and I started today by digging out the Sunday paper and mailing out my resume (corrected, lol!) and cover letters to EVERY ad I thought looked cool...even ones I have no experience for, 'cause, hey, you never know. I am not going to let fear hold me back anymore. I will get through this low self-esteem, Bell, even if I go kicking and screaming down the road to transformation! :laugh: and I very well might. If you were close, I would take that hug. :rose:
Jimi, you are so smart! I am so glad you are posting at DT. You are right, there is part of me that has a lot of rage, both from child abuse I experienced from birth to age 5, and from my lovely verbally abusive depressed hubby. I definitely have used to food to "swallow" my feelings. I really notice this when I DON'T abuse food...I get really pissed off any little thing! I love that idea of imagining the woman I wish I was and assuming her grace and confidence. I have been acting in plays since I was 4 yrs old and I can totally relate to "fake it till you make it."
Sooz, you are so right, I should just concentrate on what I CAN control, which is making the effort to get a job, and limiting what goes into my face!! I am doing a lot better today with that.
Jamie, thank you for the kind words and advice, I will keep that in mind if Micky D ever calls my name at breakfast time again! Hugs to all of you guys. What wonderful friends I have! I am blessed! :) Love, Heather

Hey Heather!

DT Buddies to the rescue! I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. I'm so glad that you are feeling positive now. :D I agree with everyone else. This will be such a good time for you to focus on YOU! That is so great that you got right to it and sent your resume out. I know that you will find a great job in no time!

I also have problems with low selfesteem but have gotten really good at hiding it, maybe that is not such a good thing for me to be doing. We will work through all of this together! Remember you are amazing!

Take Care, *

Heather, ((((HUGS)))). I'm so sorry, I was unaware of what was going on or I would have jumped on the bandwagon too. I can only echo what the others have offered...you are just perfect and so dear to us. Chin up, your day is coming!

Heather, I'm so glad you posted a response, and congratulations on being honest about your past. I had a feeling you were the victim of some kind of abuse and most certainly of neglect, and I know what it's like to live with someone who's swallowed by their own depression. Not only are you not allowed to have any needs, you must fix everything and do everything for them, because after all, they're DEPRESSED...
X-(

Keep telling yourself though that all of that is over. That was then, this is now. You're in charge now, and dammit, you deserve something out of life and that's just what's going to happen. Don't let the job hunt discourage you. It's frustrating but it's not your fault, and just keep picturing what you'll feel like when it's over and you're in a terrific position that you love. "This too will pass."

Keep plugging along and you'll make it. Don't hesitate to e-mail reader1019@yahoo.com if you need emergency or one-on-one support. I've been through almost everything you've talked about, and I've managed to have great success with weight loss, and I know you will too.

:peace:

Heather sweetie, you have me in tears! Its OK though. Sometimes you need to cry to get on the road to recovery again. I am here for you. You are a remarkable lady and can do anythng you set you mind to. I agree with everything the others have posted, so I wont repeat it again...but remember that we are here when you need us,OK?
Love Linda

Hooray Heather! You can do it...just put out your intentions that the perfect job will come to you, and it will! Anyone would be blessed to have a nice person like you for an employee!

J.

Heather ... hellooooooo ... haven't heard from you in two days ... please check in and let us know how you're doing ...

:x

Hey Lady! How are you? If you need me you know where to find me. I am checking in at least 5 times daily. Hope this is a great day for you.
Love Linda

Hi Jimi! Thanks for missing me! You are such a supportive person. It means so much to me!

I am doing better. I have 1 day OP now. I am just taking it 24 hrs at a time for now. The reason I have not been posting much is because I am a busy little beaver writing cover letters. By the time I got sooo many done (I lost count lol) I just couldn't stand to look at the computer again! But I recovered, so now I'm back. :)

I am taking my kids and 3 of their friends swimming tonight, a going away party/sleep over. I am just going to focus on one week at a time. See, they go down on Sunday and I will go get them next Friday, so I am focusing on just 5 days at a time. I can get through this. I am just going to focus on what I can do to make this a positive experience.

I find that exercise is the only thing that helps the rage for me, Jimmi. Especially walking, because it is a very meditative, spiritual thing for me...But also weight lifting, or tough, tough areobics. I feel like when my face is all red and I am sweating through my clothes and huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf, that I can vent the anger in a way that does not hurt anyone. I did therapy for a long time, but I "graduated" when I felt like it was keeping me stuck in my past. One thing I can honestly say about the child abuse (it was a babysitter, from birth to age 5 while my mom was at work) is that only when I was truly able to forgive that woman, and let go of my need to hate her, that I was able to begin to release the weight, also.

Sorry to be such a "downer." Actually, I am feeling much better, stronger. I think all it took was getting one OP day under my belt to make me feel, "I did it. I am in control...if I can do it for one day, I can make it every day, one day at a time."

Hugs, friends. Love, Heather

Heather I love your posts. You're so honest, and only when we're honest with and about ourselves can we figure out what we need to do to change.

Do you think your past history of abuse might have something to do with your being so protective of your children when they're away? I can be like the mother bear protecting cubs when it comes to my daughter and I know it's because of what's happened to me in the past. It's really hard to "step back" from all of that and see things realistically, but you're on track, working on it just one day at a time.

It's hard work, and I know it's probably really overwhelming for you right now, what with the job hunt and the kids going to their dad's and with wanting to lose weight, but I promise you that it does get easier. All of it! Your positive thoughts and habits will become second nature to you and once you see real results, that will make you want to keep up with it even more. Remember too that your kids look at you for an example, whether they're aware of it or not, so you need to be strong and positive and upbeat for them as well as yourself. It's like the song that I quote in my signature, we want them to take life by the hand and greet the world with arms wide open, and we want that for ourselves too!

Keep up the good work, you're an amazing person and you will get through all of this!

I'll check back with you on Monday. Take care 'til then!

:peace:

You guys are about to make me cry! I think there is nothing more beautiful than seeing people on their journeys, learning the hard lessons and sharing that wisdom. You are both so beautiful!! Thank you!

Heather...you are on top of it, working on your resume and eating "on plan". I like your comment about getting something positive out of the experience since you can't do anything about it. I love working out because I feel physically calm afterwards and I think it is kind of a feedback loop to the brain. Once your body relaxes and feels better it helps your brain to quit spiralling into anxiety and fear. The serotonin levels go up and the world is a more managable place. That is how it works with me anyway. I hope you have a good five days this week...I'll be rooting for you.

hi heather!
glad to see you are feeling positive my friend. taking it a week at a time with your kids is a great idea. i understand your apprehensions though, after all nobody can care for our kids as well as us right? :o
hope you have some luck with the cover letters. any place would be privileged to have you working for them.
hugs, bell :rose:

Once again I am humbled by the kind words. Yesterday I drove them down. I am making every effort to not let my kids know how upset I am. So I tried to act very normally, like this was any other weekend at Daddy's. But once I dropped them off and got in the car without them, I lost it. I was beside myself. My kids are my treasures. They are my light. I just worry about them so much. I will see them on Friday. I am focusing on that. Today I will send them letters. Kids love to get mail. I have already called them twice! I know, I know, I am a mess. I didn't expect it to be this hard. I had thought it was going to be kind of nice to have a break after being a single mom so long (6 yrs.) I thought it will be nice to go to the grocery without them begging for a quarter for those dumb machines or to go to a movie. But I miss them so much. I am sorry to be a downer today. No, I did not stay on program yesterday. I had one fast food meal, a little treat for them. I know, I know, crappy treat. But I did it. I wanted to binge and got in the car to go buy some chocolate and ice cream, but I stopped myself and got out and went to write in my journal and work on my scrapbook. So I am looking forward to an OP week this week.
HUGS, Love, Heather

Heather you are so brave. Just remember that you are way more anxious about all this than your kids. They'll be fine! And so will you. Call them every day and allow yourself a good cry after. Then get out of the house! Go for a walk, go to a movie, go to a friend's house. What an accomplishment for you to not turn to food when you were so stressed. Give yourself an extra * today for that.

Keep you chin up. "This too will pass." A year from now you'll look back and wonder what you were so stressed about.

It's good to hear from you and keep up with the posts. :x

:peace:

i hear the hurt in your post heather. big hugs to you for not letting your kids know how upset you were.
i think you are very strong to have resisted the urge to binge when you felt so bad.
it will be time for them to come home in no time.
hugs bell :)

Heather, I have a sneaking suspicion that after the first couple of days, you WILL be enjoying that trip to the store all by yourself! Is there a friend you could call and go to the movies or something to take advantage of this time alone? It has been a VERY long time for you and it is shocking to have them gone. But try and use the time while you have it.

Major huggs and roses dear...this is such a difficult time!! How about working on some surprise for them while they are gone?? Paint their room or a special scrapbook?? You come here as often as you can..lean on us.. :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose:

Heather, I agree with Discomama...phone a friend and go for coffee and just take your time. Invite a friend over for a sleepover and give yourself facials and manicures. Go for a nice long walk in the morning at a good pace and bump your serotonin levels for the day. Rent a bunch of movies you wouldn't ordinarily watch because of the content and do a "film fest". You can do it!!

Heather, Thanks for the kinds words. I really can't add any new wisdom to the above posts, i agress with all the advice you have been given. I agree that you will soon relax a tiny bit and will be able to enjoy some of the solitude. The kids are probably handling it well. I never did catch what kind of work you are looking for. ANd why did you decide to stop daycare? It is a beginning for me, a chance to get my feet back into the working world without leaving the security of my home. its time for you to move on isn't it. You have alot of talents snd strengths. Yo will go far in whatever you decide to do. If you ever need to talk, you have my email through H&H. See you soon
Love,Linda

Hey girl! Nothing new, just checking in to see how you're doing, second day without the kids. Let us know what's going on...

:x :x :x :x :x

Hi again. I am doing ok, getting more used to not having anyone to tuck in and kiss good night. I am trying to keep busy, Discomama, Artsy, you guys are right. I tried to go see Moulin Rouge on Monday but got the show times screwed up, so I will try again next Monday (cheap movie night lol). Have any of you seen it? Whaddaya think? I like musicals so I suspect I will enjoy it. I went to see a traveling Broadway production of Cinderella last night and I really enjoyed it.
I call the kids every day, and they are enjoying the farm animals and their new activities. My daughter has named all the hens and my son has attempted to ride a sheep! My ex seems to be staying nice to them. So I am relaxing a little bit.
I have had a few days OP now, so I feel a lot stronger. I am working out with a friend a lot because she just moved into an apartment with a weight room. Fun to try new exercises. I really enjoy the weight machines.
Sooz, Linda, thanks for the support. I have wanted to binge every night but so far I keep resisting. I will get through this without my crutch.
Jimmi, I keep reading but have not been posting much because I hate to be depressing in print! This is the first time I am not going to delete my post. lol I am still here for all of you and appreciate you guys so much! Love, Heather

Heather dear, don't ever feel bad about "negative" posts. First of all, there's nothing that you can go through that at least one of us hasn't experienced before, and I mean this about not just the weight but the family, kids, job hunt, etc. And we all need to vent sometimes, don't we? If you don't get it out of your system it just builds up and that's not good. Besides, then your friends here can really know what's going on and that's the only way any of us get the help we need.

Glad to see the kids are doing okay. (We all hate to say "I told you so" but we did, didn't we? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ) And good to hear that you're handling it well too.

Keep up the good work, I am so proud of you and you're such an inspiration!

:peace:

Hi Heather! I've just been reading this incredible slice of life all wrapped up in your journal and frankly, I'm in awe at your strength. I'm so glad that the kids are comfortable... now it's time for you to relax a bit and let loose. I really liked Sooz's idea of painting the kids rooms or taking up some home improvement project. Years ago, my husband used to be away at the army for about a month and a half each year - after crying for a day or two, I'd get used to it and really get into doing up my home. Anyway, you may surprise yourself at how resilient you really are. Hugs to you. :rose: :rose: :rose:

Hi Heather,
I just read through your journal. It seems we have a lot in common and reading your journal has inspired me. Girl you show determination! I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now but all the advice you have been given sounds great. Keep your chin up! *

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I read your post in Karen's journal....about the flying furry worms.... :laugh: and I couldn't stop laughing....definitely one to remember.

On my travels through the journals here at DT I pick up all of these little words of wisdom that help me on my way...to find my way...and remember what I'm here for!

Anyway I just wanted to say thankyou for your inspiration.

:peace:

So happy you liked it, Buddy! I love Jana Stanfield. She is so cool, a lot of her songs are positive and spiritual. Here are a few fav lines (hey its my journal I can if I want to!): "May your dreams come true if you want them to, If you're willing to do what it takes." and "Words like this, set me free, What I seek is seeking me. Life's a journey, not a race. What is mine will know my face." Anyway, I love my Jana.

I am in a good space today. It is sunny and I only have 3 little girls at daycare today so we are going to a wading pool. My roof is being replaced, so I want to get out of Dodge. Tonight I am having a girlfriend night out scrapbooking. I am really looking forward to it! I still miss my kids but I will see them tomorrow!! Yippe skippee! I am doing great OP. Not having the kids to cook dinner for makes it much easier. And I have more time to exercise. I am really getting into my little organic vegetable garden and my roses. Well, I am going to enjoy my day! TTFN and hugs, Heather

Heather, you deserve a huge round of applause!! You just got through a MAJOR stressful week, your emotions going nuts, your cravings setting in, but look at you! You beat it! You did it! I am SOOOO proud of you! You deserve to feel like a real winner because you sure are! Good for you! Enjoy your reunion. When they start turning blue,that means its time to stop hugging them !! :)

WELL DONE Heather! I hope you have a wild and crazy time scrapbooking tonight and tomorrow you will see your little darlings again. Have a great weekend.

hi heather,
you are one strong lady! by the time you read this you will be with your kids and enjoying every minute of it i am sure.
hugs to you!
bell :)

Hi Heather!
Good for you! Stress can do awful things to anybody and you have handled it well! Scrap booking has just recently caught my interest. It's relaxing to do( for me anyways). You go girl! Enjoy every second with your kids! Take care :peace:

Hi Heather.
I'm also really impressed that you are coping so well, and being upbeat. I hope seeing the kids is everything you hope it will be (I'm sure it will be). And thanks for dropping by. It meant a lot to me.
Love, Chuckles

I want to hear about the reunion!!

Hello! Thought I would squeeze a moment out of doing the happy dance and hugging and smooching my kiddoes to post. Well, yesterday they came home and it was wonderful. Ex is taking good care of them, even I have to admit. But my little girl hates it because there are no other kids to play with. She is used to having tons of friends around, with me being a daycare provider. And she is a real social butterfly at her school, part of the second grade "cool" crowd, lol. But I told her that it had only been 5 days and she needs to give it more time. I also encouraged her to make friends with some of the little girls in her TKD school. She said that is hard, because she is the most advanced student in her class and it is hard to make friends with people after you have just kicked their butt. I stopped laughing long enough to tell her, don't worry, someone will kick her butt soon and she can make friends with them! There is always someone better than you to put you in your place and remind you that it is all about YOU working hard, not about the opponent at all. My son is more of a loner, though he has lots of friends, he is happier playing on his own than his sister. He is having more fun at his dad's. It is fun for me to get to be the one to spoil them. We went to a park with a wading pool yesterday afternoon, and that was fun. Then we had the most wonderful dinner at my best friends'(my son and her son are best buddies, too). I made a gorgeous salad-romaine, cherry tomatoes, olives, artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, cucumbers and I made a sunflower design out of baby corns on the top with almonds in the center. It was beautiful and yummy if I do say so. My friend Alisha said that it looked like something out of Martha Stewart Living, so we cracked up and gave it a MSL name: Summer Solstice Sunflower Salad. lol Today we are going to swim at a regular pool (we are all water babies-part fish but we hide the gills, lol) and tomorrow I am taking them to a cheesy little amusement park on the way to their dad's farm. So I a making every moment count and just enjoying them a lot. HUGS to all my fine girlfriends! Love, Heather

Heather,

Glad the visit is going the way you planned. Love the sound and look of that "Summer Solstice Sunflower Salad. Will you still know us when you have your own tv show?

You have done so well with hanging tough during this past week. You are really on your way.

Karolyn

Hi Heather,
It sounds like a perfect weekend. Between the amusement park and your yummy salad and getting to spoil the kids, they should be filled with great mommy moments. Your post sounds very positive! Kol ha kavoad (which translates to "RIGHT ON!!!!!" in Hebrew.
:rose: :rose: :rose:

wanted to stop by and see how the reunion was going heather :rose:
sounds like you are all having a wonderful weekend. its great that your ex is taking good care of them that must be a relief to you.
have another great day today.
hugs bell :)

I am glad you are having a great weekend, Heather. Your salad sounds great, and you know you are really sticking with it when you splurge with a salad! Don't think I wouldn't notice something like that. I hope this Monday is better for you than last week.

Heather-Thanks for the PM. James is OK> the restoration work went well. But be was sick all day on Saturday vomiting. I think it is a combination of the anesthesia,the fact that we couldnt give him his allergy medicine and that he had a tube down his nose during the procedure and it caused irritation. He now has a cold, and for him a cold usually means croup. I have to watch him closely today again to make sure he doesnt get worse. So far just a runny nose and sneezing.
Linda

After such a lovely weekend, it was hard to let go of them. I just hate ex's house, and the kids have no friends there, and I get depressed thinking about it. So I won't. I will just keep sending them mail and encouraging them as much as I can from here, and enjoy the heck out of them when I do have them. Enough said.

I have found that trying to help Laura (my 8 year old) stay on her program is helping me in a big way. No way will I be a hippocrit like my parents, eating ice cream and cookies in front of me, while telling me how bad they are for me, and that I'm too fat. Nope, if she has to be on program (and she does, the doc said that due to a genetic problem her choelesterol is sky high, and she is a vegetarian! so she doesn't get any choelesterol except cheese and sometimes eggs, and now she has to give those up too) then we are ALL on program, even her 6 yr. old bro who is skinny, lol. But skinny people get clogged arteries, too, and I am doing him no favors if I get him hooked on foods he will have to give up later anyway. So anyway, Laura lost a pound last week, and that was exciting for her. The doc wants her to lose 20 lbs, or to stay the same until she's 12! (She's only 8 now, weighs 93 lbs. now)

As for me, I walked 4 miles Sunday, which is really far for me, I usually only walk 2. My eating has been just great between eating right for Laura and being too busy to remember to eat, lol. Sooo glad the surgery went well, LindaSue, sorry he is sick. Love the heck out of him and maybe the sickness will go, too. HUGS, Heather

Heather...what a great mom you are, eating along with your daughter to help her lose weight. It will be good for both of you...it was great your daughter had success in her first week. Well done on the long, long walk, too. You will be doing 10 km races before long!

Heather,
It's so great that you are helping your daughter that way! I have an aquaintance who's daughter is 9 and weighs 197 lbs. She does NOTHING to help her child and it greatly upsets me. She asked me once what she should do about it. I jumped all over the opportunity to tell her to stop letting her daughter binge ALL the time(she eats nothing but junkfood).She never listened and we haqd words over it another time when she asked again what she should do. I told her that I would love to help her but she needed to choose that first. She hasn't.It does my heart good to know there are Mom's out there that WILL help their children lose weight and be healthy! Way to go! *

Heather you are so right about getting the kids into good habits now rather than trying to do it later. And what an example you're setting!

I'm glad the ex is treating them okay, and your daughter will be fine. You'd be surprised at how well kids adapt and make the best of any situation. It's good for her to make friends with a variety of kids as well. After all, when we're adults we're surrounded by all kinds of different people and there's no use shutting ourselves off from people just because we think we're different from them.

Hugs back at ya and have a great OP week.

:peace:

Heather must be in a good groove right now! :) Thanks Artsy and Jimmi for all the support about Laura. :x It is so hard to know WHAT to do:leave her alone and let her health and self-image suffer, or intervene and possibly send her sneaking to the cookie bag as soon as she's old enough to buy it herself. Angie Kay, I totally agree with you, you cannot just stand by and let the little ones suffer from "no limits" like your friend is doing. That is neglect to me; discipline is a part of what parents must teach. I suspect that your friend has a weight problem herself. That was my prob, I was out of control, so how could I help her? I say, get my own act together First, then I can be there for my family. At this point, I just try to emphasize nutrition, not body size, and allow her "treats" where appropriate: ie, birthday parties, special occasions. My parents did so little for me, I just want to save her some of the pain of being the "fattest girl in school" that I felt. Her biggest obstacle is the same as mine: portion size. We love good food, and eat too much, even of the right kinds.

I am doing great OP, which I attribute to DTers not giving up on me. I was seriously considering to "stop trying" after I regained 50 lbs of the 115 that I released. I was just soooo frustrated and angry with myself for the relapse. But y'all stuck it out with me, and I am indeed letting go of these pounds of pain again. For that I am extremely grateful. To my e-mail H&H buddies, you are the greatest. Thank you for your love, and for sharing your light. I don't know what my weight is right now because I have TOPS tonight and I weigh in there. But my body tells me I am releasing the pounds. I have been eating really nutritiously (I follow basically a health-food store type diet: mostly vegetarian,(salmon or chicken breast 2-3 per week) 11 servings of fruits/veggies/day, whole grains, lots of legumes and soy, and everything that I can get organically grown) and I have been walking 2x a day. The extra walking is because I walk every morning, 5:30 am solo, about 2 miles, (my "sanity walk" to pray and talk to myself and work out my stress and problems. It is NOT optional, lol) 8-} and again at night to support friends who are just beginning walking programs. I also decided that as much as possible I will quit using the car, so for instance I walked 2 miles to the bank and back yesterday. I don't feel like I'm overdoing it because the duration of any one walk is not that much, and they are spread out by about 12 hours. So anyway, I will keep it up for as long as it works for me.

Friday is the last day of daycare for me! Hurrah! So I am getting my kids back on Thursday instead of Friday so I they can be part of our daycare party. I wanted to give the kids I care for some closure because we have all been together so long. I will continue to have "visitation" with most of them. Seriously, I feel that close to them! I am sure I will shed a few tears, but the time is right, and change can be very good. :x Hope you all are having a great day! Love, Heather

[ 06-26-2001: Message edited by: HeatherC ]

hi heather.
sounding so positive my friend :)
i know that laura will thank you for not sending her mixed messages later in life about her weight. its so hard for kids to understand let alone if their parents are eating that crap that they are told is bad for THEM.
getting the kids back a day early will be exciting for you i am sure. some free time with no day care kids too. what have you got planned?
i will keep watching for you TOPS weigh in. i know it will ne great news!
hugs bell :)

Hi Heather!
You are doing great! Your meal plan sounds awesome! I agree with you about teaching the little ones. They learn from us even when we don't want them too! It must be hard to let go of the daycare kids. I had a few kids a few years back that I watched and got close to. I shed tears when they went to school and I no longer provided care for them. Enjoy your time with your kids this weekend! :x You are keeping me inspired ! Have a great day! *

Drum Roll, please!...I weighed in last night and found out that I have released 5 more pounds! :) That is a two week total because I missed my weigh-in last week. I knew I was staying OP, and believe me when I honestly say that feeling "in control" again is worth more to me than any drop on the scale. I just hate not being in control of the one thing I CAN control: myself.

Today is my rest day for exercise, and boy do I need it! I am sooo sore from weight lifting. Still eating well. For once I did not go out after my TOPS meeting and binge. Isn't it sad that I used to do that? Kids home on Thursday night this time. Still miss them like crazy. I am glad they can come home for the party. I am going to serve angel food cake because it is legal for Laura (no fat) and because I don't particularly like it, so smaller chance that I will hog out on it. Love, Heather

Hi Heather, boy have I missed a lot. Sure it is hard, but it sounds like your kids are doing okay with all the changes. You are wise to make it as positive an experiece as possible. Focus on yourself five days a week, and who knows what you can do.

Any luck with the job search? It can be paralyzing when you aren't sure what you want to do, and really need to do something. I'm considering options myself, but I'm not really hunting yet.

You really are doing well, so don't cave into the blues. Stay on plan and stay positive.

Hi Heather,

I just read your journal...wow, what a journey you have been on!! I am sooooo happy for you! You are definitely on the right track...I'll be watching your progress.

Thanks for answering my post today on the healthy low fat forum! I appreciate it :)

Have a wonderful day,

Sydney

Girl you just crack me up! When I read your cheer in disco's journal I about fell out of my chair laughing! You are just to cool! You can be my co-captain, and I won't make you wear the skirt...you wouldn't find me caught dead in one either!

You are amazing releasing 5 more lbs! Go Heather Go! Will have to write a cheer for you! I'll give it a try:

You are amazing
You are in a groove
If you keep it up
You will surely loose!
WooHoo Heather!

Okay, so I need a little practice! LOL!

EEEHHAAAH!!! That's a "polka yell" to celebrate your 5 pound weight loss, my friend. You are doing so well and I know just what you mean about the comment about being in control and how much better that makes you feel. When I am being careless about my own well-being and habits it is just an over-arching layer of misery on top of all the other problems/challenges I face. When I know I am doing what I can do it is just such a relief, and once I start reaping rewards from my efforts it is first thrilling and then fun. From misery to fun, and all I have to do is plan a little and say "no" once in awhile.

Allright Heather!! Wooooo-Hooooo! * You are doing great! Being in control feels soooo good doesn't it? I am finding that myself! Good for you girl! Good idea with the Angel food cake too! I find myself doing that with snacks for the kids. I give them a lot of healthy snacks but I know they are kids and require a little junk now and then so I buy stuff(or make) that I really don't like! That way I stay away from it! * Have a great day! :rose:

You are doing so good. keep it up!

Heather, You are doing so well. I am proud of your recent 5 lb release. You are handling everything just as I thought. you are a great mom too, and the summer is only 8 weeks left. I am counting every day. I know your kids will make some friends at Dads house. I hate that you have to go through this though. I think the court system, in terms of custody and summers,etc needs to be redone. The judge here had this one little boy ( a former neighbor) travellng back and forth every other day to his dads. He lived 1.5 hours away. The poor child never had a stable place to call home. I think he was basically living out of a car. He would be dropped at daycare. Picked up by the dad. Driven to dads home. for the evening. Taken back very early to daycare the next morning (1.5 hour drive) picked up by the mom,etc....How can this all be in the best interest of the children.
Enough. you have a great day. Stock up on that simple green (my favorite cleaner) and try to have a great weekend.
Love Linda

PS I am going to start a differnt journal: "Linda's 8 weeks left of summer fun. " Like a boot camp for the kids and a renewed spirit for me. I am taking off the rest of this week. I need to reevaluate.

Thanks so much for all the support, girlfriends! :rose:

Dreamweaver, I am still just looking for that job, and getting pretty dang nervous actually, as I watch my bank balance go down (paying bills) and knowing I have no concrete plan to replenish it. I am going to be all over job hunting like ugly on an ape on Monday. :laugh: In the mean time, I am just doing a few things to give me some closure in moving on from my daycare. My emotions are very mixed: part of me is breathing a sigh of relief, and just knows that it is time and it is a really stressful job. Another part of me is going to miss "my kids" terribly, and I am a little sad because this is a business that I created myself, no help, I put lots of my energy and love and creativity into it, and now I am having to say good-bye. So I just ask for blessings on my journey, and I call forth the courage in myself to find a job that will use my talents and creativity and not just settle for something I'll hate just to pay the bills. For closure I am giving each child a small gift--(a stuffed teddy bear with a picture of all of us in his tummy, a cuddly picture frame kind of thing), and writing each of them a letter telling them how much I love them and what I will remember most about them. I am writing a note to their parents, too, thanking them for their love and support all these years.

One cool thing, DW, I remember you saying in your journal that you refuse to eat the same dang thing everyday or something like that, and it got me to thinking. So I am going to be brave and try to vary my menu a bit. Thanks for inspiring me! :)

Sydney, I am so happy you are here and posting and I look forward to supporting you in great nutrition and living happily and healthfully ever after!

Artsy, thanks for the polka yell! I think you're just great! And a big ol' "AMEN!" to what you said about the "over-arching layer of misery." That is what I was trying to say exactly! You have such a way with words, I wonder if you do any other writing besides your journal?

Karen, I loved my cheer! If it had gone on much longer I would have needed Depends! :laugh: Check out the one I wrote just for you in your journal.... ;)

AngieKay, you are too sweet! Thank you! Hope you are all chicken pox and broken-van "free" by now!

LindaSue, thank you so much for believing in me, and helping me to stay positive. :rose: I will get through this summer; I will be strong for my kids. I will clean his house and buy them groceries and write to them and love the heck out them when I do have them. I feel helpless, but it is my responsibility to take action in whatever way I can. At least I feel like I am doing SOMETHING. I wish that judge would have the pleasure of sending HIS kids to live with a slob with a mental illness and a history of emotional abuse! Bad, Heather! Not positive, therefore not helpful. I WILL keep the high watch.

I am on my 5th day OP and feeling strong in my program. Funny how sometimes staying OP is the easiest thing I have to worry about! LOL Love, Heather

Hi Heather

I'm glad you're managing to stay on program, and I'll be thinking good thoughts at you while you try and find a new job that is worthy of you. It's always hard to move on, but hopefully it will be made easier by knowing that we are all behind you every step of the way.
Love Chuckles

Heather...thanks for your kind comments. At one time I wrote alot of "corporate" things at work and now I write on Diettalk. I think Diettalk encourages dialogue and inspires me to have the kind of conversations I read here in other areas of my life. I seem to be expressing myself alot more freely on alot more levels these days, and that is good.

Re: your job search. Have you read the newest edition of "What Colour is Your Parachute?" It is really worthwhile reading and it encourages a very planned and responsible approach to job hunting which makes sense to me. I used this book when I was looking for work in 1983 and there was double-digit unemployment in British Columbia...and I had a job offer in 2 months. In fact, I made a complete career change from teaching to local government. Now I am going back into teaching again. Change is good even if it seems overwhelming while you are going through it.

I am journal hopping today and I just wanted to let you know that I was here and to congratulate you on the fine job you are doing.... :laugh: That sounded so official! Anyway not only in your own weight loss efforts but also in helping me along with mine! I WAS (past tense) I WAS in a bit of a slump but I think I am out of it now and it's all of the DT girls that have helped me out of it! Anyway just wanted to say thanks! ;)

Just wanted to wish you luck for when you get out there like an ape lol on monday job hunting.
You will be an asset to anyone looking for someone new.
i have been reading your cheers around the place they crack me up. you have one great sense of humour!
hugs bell :)

Thanks, Bell! Almost all of my professional writing has been comedy or at least an attempt to be! :laugh: That was my angle in my "Ask-a-nurse" column, to give them the facts with humor. I wrote a musical last year and it was a comedy. Anyway, you are so good for my self-esteem Bell 'cause I just think you're great and then you say these nice things!

And Buddy, thank you! I feel so supported by being able to write out my ups and downs and get soo much caring in return. You inspire me right back, and that's official.

Artsy, I read, "What Color is Your Parachute" many years ago, and I think you are right that I should check it out again.

Miss Chuckles, thank you for the support. My biggest obstacle in job-hunting is that fear, of being judged, of not finding one right away. I saved a little money so that I can pay my bills this month but by next month I had better be fully employed! Anyway, I have to stop procrastinating about it and just hop to it! Monday, I swear! You guys can kick my heinie all you want if I do not make major progress on Monday.

Why not today? I am playing with my cuties, of course! Today is Joey's best buddy's birthday party. They have been the best of pals since Joey was 2--he is six now. Let me here you say it, "AAAAwwww." It is extrememely cute and sweet that they have each other. It doesn't hurt that I am good friends with the little guy's mom. So he is going to sleep over and I am going to have a "girlfriend date" with my daughter. We will probably swim, that is what she requested. I always have a very grown up tea party with her, (herbal tea) and use the good china and make the fancy little (low-fat) sandwiches and treats. Then we do each other's nails (mine look scary after and I have to wear it to church, lol) and give each other hair-dos, and again mine are pretty dorky but I couldn't care less. I just love our dates and my little girl.

Yesterday was sooo hard. The last day of daycare, and I was stressed out because all ten kids were there and we went to one of those "Kid Zone" type indoor playground, and we did a craft, and I was crying as I said good-bye to each one. I was too busy and wrung out by end-of-day to post a thing. I am still OP, (it is a miracle!!!) and am about to go for my walk today. Hope you're having a good weekend! Love, Heather

Heather,
You're doing such a great job & I love reading your journal. You stayed Op even though you had what sounded like an emotional day.....awesome * *
Keep it up cuz your gonna make it!
Dolci :rose:

Heather...atta girl, staying on plan even through the emotions of your day. I think you, like me, are learning to interpret emotions differently than "Gee, maybe I would feel better if I had something to eat." You seem to have come to this enlightened state more quickly than I did, so bravo!!

Just try to keep in mind that endings are beginnings too (I am talking about careers). I just know you will be telling us about a great new beginning in July.

I'm so impressed with how well you are doing in spite of all the stress you are under, Heather. And I bet you will find a job in no time. You're such a great person and that's got to shine through in person just like it does on line!
Hugs,
Kerri

Hi Heather!
You are doing great! You sure do keep me inspired! I wish you great luck in the job hunting! * The tea with your daughter sounds great! I have the boys who NEVER want to do girly things..LOL...they look at me like I have 3 heads! Oh well maybe someday I'll have a daughter! After 3 boys let me tell ya she's be decked in ribbons and lace and act like a boy I'm sure! :laugh: Well you have a great day! Good luck!

Heather-Been thinking about you yesterday and today. I know this is job hunt week and I know that you are probably sressed out. But, don't be. THink of your talents, your way of talking to others, the encouragement
and wisdom you have to offer that makes you the special person that you are. Let these things shine through and you will beam with confidence at whatever interviewer challenges you.
Thanks for stopping by and getting a