Time for some truths. I have been struggling with my weight for years if not my whole life & still I over eat like food is a drug. I am certain that my depression & my nerves are a big reason as well as having very low self esteem. Perhaps there is a chemical needed to balance my system? I feel that I need help ie something to calm down my nerves. I have felt this way all my life. My problem now is that I am getting more & more embarrest & depressed about my weight. Its like people can see what I get up to ie eat like a glutton, I feel so ashamed.

I have started some anti depressants today( Zoloft, which are also good for compulsive behaviour) & will stick with them. I have also stopped smoking now for about 10 days!

I just wanted to add that my family are wonderfull & love & support me no end. I also have 2 darling boys. I am just unconfidant & mostly doubt my self worth. I am here to get help though.

I am hoping that in working out my problems other issues like nastey inlaws will just fade away & loose their power over me.
I get obsessed about the fact that my inlaws dont like me. But after 10 years of trying to win them over Im throwing in the towl.
My mil goes out of her way to show no respect or friendship with me, & she also only likes my boys as a token.

I have also come to the decision that I will no longer do her personal work as for 7 years not even a thankyou! ( I am an accountant). I have bent over backwards in the past but this is my pledge & I will carry it thru no matter what.

OK *vent* over. I am sick of being sick & others having the ability to hurt me. I want to be strong and I will.

Today I stayed OT. I feel somewhat better already than I did yesterday. I want 2002 to be my year. I now realise that weight can take a long time to loose ie changing life long habits bit by bit.

Water is now becoming my friend, in the past I may have drunk it once every 2-3 weeks. I am also consious that substituting high fat food with a low calorie option is the way to go. For example have a fresh sandwitch instead of a burger & fries, or have some of my dh`s icecream but dont get a whole one.(sometimes I only want to taste due to curiousity!).

I am starting with tiny baby steps this time. I also want to learn about myself why I leave the door unlocked for that *binge monster* (or does he have a key?). I want to address this binge monster situation & learn skills of being on guard!

Thats all for now!

Today was good. I stayed OP. Food wasnt an issue today.
I went to a party & didnt feel awful (like I thought I would due to the crowd). I bought myself a lipstick which was a treat.
Still not smoking but missing it somewhat......but also enjoying not reaking of smoke & skin is looking fresher! To be honest I could feel & see that I was getting a bit stale looking and Im only 33 ( yet was looking much older).



Anyway thats all for today. I feel very hopeful for this year.

Dear Shaz,

You deserve a gold star for all the positive changes you are making!! Quitting smoking is HUGE absolutely the best thing you can do to improve your health, especially if you have a few too many lbs. as well. I hope you are extremely proud of yourself, and I bet you look stunning in your new lipstick!

I think you are right that compulsive eating is using food as a drug to change our mood and make us feel better. I also think that we let food say things for us: stuff the food, and have it say, "help me, I feel out of control" or "leave me alone" or a million other things. The trick, which I have not fully mastered, is to use your mouth to say what you mean, not to stuff your emotions, but to feel them. For me, a lot of this is realizing that I can't please everyone. That was a huge relief to me.

I am sorry for your MIL that she cannot appreciate a lovely person who is so important to her son, and the fact that she does not cherish her grandkids indicates that she is just not a very warm person, and probably has very little to do with you. trying and trying to please her will only make you feel more empty, and that is one way she is exerting power over you. I hear you taking your power back, and I am very excited for you. We can do this, one day at a time. Big hugs, Heather

Thanks for the kind words & excellent advice. I truely dont think Ive felt much ever due to the stuffing down of feelings with food. I dont believe (for me) that dwelling on the past will help. I do though believe that moving forward & getting on with life is the answer. I want to reprogram myself to love myself & delete some of the ways I see myself (from when I was a child).

See, I have moved on (age wise) but alot of old beliefs & behaviours are still with me. I need to *declutter* myself. Get rid of all the junk in my thoughts.LOL

Easier said than done. But not impossible. That is why stopping smoking is such a big event, it means my brain has given up the idea that I would always be a smoker (20 years is a long time). If I can change what I thought was my identity, then I can give up my big girl identity.(Well it made sense at the time) LOL

Food today is ok. Seem to be OP!

Soon I will weigh myself & be more professional in my weight loss re. numbers etc. Im still OP & it feels different than before. Im excited by the prospect of loosing weight. I care too much about what I think others are thinking of me. I like to fit in etc. I will try to follow what I am learning here that it doesnt matter 1% what others think of me. Half the time I get it wrong anyway! Im second guessing everyone. Im looking forward to eliminating my fat complex (which I can do even before Im at goal). I think I will be a nicer person without all the baggage I carry around. Inparticular, I feel really bad & feel like a looser when I am with people who saw me loose & then put back on. I feel like I failed.

I am now going to cut out any negative thoughts (I promise)!

Dear Shaz,

I hope you don't mind me always chiming in on your journal. It is just that you soooo remind me of me, I think we may be on a similar path, and I think we can share what has helped. I have some affirmations for you:

I am beautiful and everybody loves me.

I give out only love and joy, and only love and joy come back to me.

That which is for my highest good now unfolds perfectly before me

I am now ready to release excess pounds and the pain they hold.

I say lots of affirmations, it is a good tool for becomming more positive, and I am convinced I need to change my MIND to change my bod.

I know you said you are not interested in going into the past, but I did wonder something, if you have a history of abuse or neglect as a child? I do, I was abused by a babysitter from the time I was 6 wks to 5 years old, and later on, I was a latch-key kid so no one supervised me after school and I helped myself to myriad bologna, cheese, and mayo sandwiches while I watched Gilligan's Island, lol. The reason I ask is that there is a huge correllation between childhood abuse/neglect and compulsive eating. The child learns to comfort herself with food, and the pattern sticks.
Anyway. I am done asking nosy questions, and just want to say GREAT JOB on being a non-smoker and healthy eater! Big hugs, Heather

Heather, thanks for the company.
I am sorry to hear that you were abused by your baby sitter. I cant even imagine how bad that would be. I hope you can get some peace.

Here is my story-
My past is a bit hazy now because when I was young I was experiencing it first hand (with a childs perseption) & now I have to remember it ( but with the hindsight & knowledge) of an adult.

****AS A CHILD THIS IS HOW I FELT MY LIFE WAS*****

Firstly we were very poor & somehow my parents got me and my siblings into this private school. I was teased & ridiculed from form 1 to form 6. I had very few & often no friends. I lived far away from every one else & not many were interested in the trip ( referred to as the sticks)! So in this time I came to believe that the*shame* I felt for having no nice clothes, living in a dump, having horrible birds nest hair, parents who did factory work instead of a proffesion etc was valid. It was indeed tourture for me & I never lost the feeling of feeling so low that I wanted to dissappear. The last day of school was my happiest.

There is lots more like dad going into business & for ten years after we were terrified that everything would be lost (he was a terrible business man). The feeling of helplessness that everyday we were all hanging by a thread to survive, mum crying all the time etc. I wanted to escape & I probably still am. Eventually the business died a miserable death & was put out of its misery taking their house with it. At this point I was all grown up & married & was able to help them to get on their feet.

I was a latch key kid too. I ate & smoked like crazy from 12 yrs old. I was bulimic for many years. I never did drugs though due to the munchies.LOL

My relationship with my dad was bad from early childhood & I was belted all the time & emotionally tormented. He wouldnt talk to me for days or he would put me down, I wanted to die at home & at school! I was afraid to be at home with him because he would always loose his temper at me & start yelling at me for something or other & I would bawl my eyes out in a second. Even today I cry very easily. Eventually mum threatened to leave him & tell all his friends about the real him and he stopped (to his credit)being cruel overnight.

I remember the desperation of a casual clothes day at school (like it was yesterday). It was a huge issue at home, what would I wear, looking thru a closet with almost nothing, yet trying everything on, trying to make something work, dreading the next day & hoping it wouldnt be as bad as last time. Then mum would offer me her *best top*,which was a top shared & faught over by my sister & me for special occations. Getting to wear mums top was as good as it got! I would get to school begging G-d to let me fit in or not to let everyone else look so much better. But after all how could I compete with all the pretty new clothes. Things that I wouldnt even know where to buy let alone be able to. By the time I got to school my mums top looked readiculous

Food was my wealth , my pleasure, my protection, my drug to take away the anger & the shame, it stopped me feeling, it gave me something to focus on ie all I had to worry about was my weight & this stopped me from having to think about anything else. ALL my problems could be rolled into one safe predictable problem that I could handle.

******NOW AS AN ADULT ********

I realise mum & dad were working their buts off to try to give us kids a chance, they never took a paid holiday ever or bought much at all for themselves. As I said mum`s good top was a true luxury that she allowed herself .

I understand that my dad had his own share of problems, he was 23 years old, too young to be a father & working 6 days a week in a factory. He had bad nerves from his upbringing too.

Also some things make you stronger because now I am much more considerate of others feelings & how it feels to be down due to my experiences.

Lastely,I believe that I probably always sufferred from cronic depression. I have to question whether it was my depression that actually made a bad situation 100 times worse.eg. When you are depressed, even mildly, everything looks like it is against you.

*****TO CONCLUDE******
I have a few old tapes still curculating in my head. I dont really know how to see my past because there are so many ways to analyse it & I get confused.

I try to stick with working with what I am today. My past is well & truly over. I tend to compare all the time with others as a throw back to my school days and this is what I mean about wanting approval & to fit in. By the way, I still see many of my school peers now as adults & it still sends shivers down my spine!

As far as my family, we are pretty close & my dad is a fantastic granddad to my boys ( a full circle)!

So that is my story (or some of it). Its not terribly book worthy & if you have come this far I hope you are not too bored.

Its a life of learning!

Yesterday I stayed OP. It entailed buying bread rolls enough for each person in the house rather than the extras I usually buy just incase! I really enjoyed my roll for lunch & was sad when my lunch was over. I get so emotional about my food.
For dinner I had to stop myself eatting the kids leftovers. Once I put them in the bin the problem was defused.Phew!

I have been blessed with skinny kids who have no issues with food except that they find eatting a chore. One of my boys was aenemic for years on & off because he wouldnt eat! Can you believe lifes ironies? Well they must take after my dhs family because my family are big eatters.

Last night I said to myself `if you want to eat that bowl of spagetti you are going to walk girl`. So I went for a walk after dinner & felt good about myself.

Today I will stay OP. I really want to loose some of this weight & feel wonderful. This is going to be my year I can feel it. My next treat will be to buy a beautiful handbag. My old one is about 7 years old & Im so excited with the thought that I am going to treat myself. I am now looking into what styles are around as Im a bit out of touch but I will enjoy the process of looking as well as the getting. Im not going to rush but will take my time. Just the idea that I think Im worth a new handbag gives me unlimited joy!

Dear Shaz,

Reading your childhood story I was about to cry. You are a strong and wonderful woman to be able to look at the past with such loving and forgiving eyes. I know that your willingness to get over it and get on with it is going to continue to serve you in getting healthy and continuing to work on your self esteem. I really admire your loving heart.

One thing I have always said, I will never let my kids be latch-key kids! I think kids need supervision, need their parents, just in a different way, as they get older. And I have a daughter who is blessed with an insatiable appetite like mine, who would love to be alone to eat her face off afterschool. I am trying to save her some of the pain I went through as a fat kid. You are lucky your boys are slim and light eaters.

Great job on not bringing more tempting food (rolls) into the house than was needed. I call this empty cabinet therapy! It really does help to make your house a "safe zone".Big hugs, Heather :rose:

Dear Heather C,
thanks for dropping by. Can I elaborate on what I said about my boys because you might of thought I was saying big eatters are not a blessing. I worded it badly because I post late at night & I didnt proof read it. My comment was definately made * tonge in cheek* in that here I am consumed day & night with food issues like its my life & what type of children do I get.... 2 boys who have to be almost forced fed. I am sorry if I gave a different impression, I really am. I have many foodies in my family & my 3rd could easily be a big eater too!(one day)

If anyone is interested here is my experience with my oldest son who is now 7
He really tested us as parents. He was consistantly ill due to refusing to eat . He had to have his tonsils out, & adenoids out twice because he was sick almost every day from catching colds back to back. Of course when you dont eat properly you have no immunity. Every day was a struggle to get him to eat something, especially when he was sick. Even now he runs out of the room when its dinner time to hide. Even now I have to hand feed him sometimes. He chews really fast to try & get it over with and not to have to taste it. (this is the bit I cant relate to). By the way he is fine with lollies for some reason. LOL but even still doesnt eat them that much. I have to coax him all the time to eat & its exhausting. I used to say that my biggest job is getting him to eat. We couldnt get him to eat meat or vegetables for years & he oftenbecame aenemic . This meant that he was weak & tired all the time & looked very pale with rings under his eyes. Due to all the colds which gave him ear infections he lost his hearing so that meant another operation( but small). So it was a visious cycle and .......fastforward to now....everything he eats is a huge negotiation which is really draining & he is behind in school due to missing so much.I guess any extreem in eatting is hard to handle for parents.
Now Im going on again too much.


Im still OP which is good.

I actually have been feeling bad about my post where I recalled my past because really there are so many real tradgedies in the world that I actually feel guilty for making out that my problems were so bad. Really it is all relative, and Im just imagining someone saying to me `you think you had it bad, I wish I had what you had, you dont know the meaning of bad etc`


Do you know what I mean? I feel embarrest, when really people are starving, going thru wars, etc .
I want to put things into perspective & in the scheme of things I probably had it OK.

Anyway, you sound like a wonderful mum. Im sure one day your daughter will really appreciate how much you care about her & you will be true friends for life.

I want to tell about how my next family celebration dinner is going to be different. A new me! In the past, I would buy soooo much food that you would think I was expecting double the guests! Not only alot but variety too, in the end you could not help but to over eat. All of this food was for the *guests* & not little old me of course. The fact that by the end I would be left with a house full of wicked treats, expensive cakes & all sorts of double fat / triple sugar type of desserts was probably my goal all along. So often my true party started after all the people were gone & dh & kids were in bed. That delicate little baby piece of cake that I might have eatten in front of everyone would now have alot of company as I was going to eat the rest of its friends. Well, you get the idea. I must add that I very rarely go out & binge in public. Infact I very rarely eat in public & when I do I obsess about what to choose. ie when I eat out I automatically switch into diet mode so all food becomes a problem.
Its at home that I binge because it feels like the food is mine. Its like when I see food in shops I feel like I shouldnt have it , but once its in my cupboard it becomes like a familiar old friend. It becomes personal like I really know it or something. So I really dont intend or believe that the food is for me at time of purchase but once its home Im in love.

Talk about denial. Well this time round will be simple food. BBQ & some fresh salads, a fresh bread(read one not 10 diff types of bread), and fruit, maybe some vegetables & a dip too. My guests will leave my house healthy & full without feeling like they have put on a stone! Any leftovers will be healthy & go towards the next days meals. So, no cakes, no biscuits, & no silly extras. I am really looking forward to my first responsible dinner party ever. Its on Monday & I can tell that it wont take me all day to prepare either!
Last night went for a walk .I am OP.
Thanks for the chance to be here.

Hi Shaz,
Shew, that was a lot of issues and enjoyed reading your journal. A lot of your thoughts of binging felt like my own. I TOO AM IN A NEW AND IMPROVED MOOD AND I PLAN TO KEEP IT. MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN A NEW BOARD UNDER EATING DISORDERS FOR BINGING AND WORK TOGETHER WITH ALL OTHER BINGERS TO BECOME NON-BINGERS FOREVER!!

Its also funny I read your post this evening cause I just had a scare with my daughter tonight after dinner...all of a sudden it hit me and here I read your post...
My daughter is 4--she has always been a picky eater...I can't get her to eat vegtables or fruit-no meat. Cheese, cheese curls, yogart, noodles, speghetti Os and mashed potatoes-bread, cereal is about all she will eat--it sounds a lot when you spell it out like that but she barely eats...she will only eat a few bites and then she is done...she says here belly hurts (excuses) Earlier this week, (bedtime is anywhere from 8:30 to 9:00 sometimes 9:30 at the latest). She gets up around 7:00 a.m and takes a 2 to 3 hour nap in the afternoons. We were reading a book about 8:00 p.m. and she turned to me and looked very tired, eyes puffy and pale and insisted on going to bed...(first time ever-I always have to push the bed time) Last night at 7:45 she was pale and tired she wanted to go to bed...so I said okay lets go (she was so tired she didn't even want to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth--we always brush teeth before bed and she never gives me a hard time) Today, my husband said she shut off the TV in the early afternoon and said she was tired and wanted to go to bed...she never did this for nap either--we always have to push the nap time. Now, tonight, while eating dinner...she only had a few bites of mashed potatoes and she looked at me and said "I'm tired" she got up and laid on the couch (this is at 6:00) she then asked me and my son to be quiet, then, she couldn't fall asleep and she started crying she wanted to go to bed...so I called the doctor answering service and they told me to call tomorrow and maybe the doctor would want to see her...I was thinking maybe she was anemic...
I pushed some raisins on her tonight too before she did go up...
sorry, this aint my journal.
Anyway, the NEW YOU SOUNDS GREAT--YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND YOU WILL MEET YOUR GOAL!!

OUT WITH NEGATIVITY - IN WITH POSITIVITY!!!
GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND,
OTTO
:rose:

Dear Otto, thanks for the visit. Firstly I may be going blind but I couldnt find your journal to respond, well, its getting a bit too crowded here to even find my diary!

Firstly it sounds like your dd may be coming down with something as her behaviour is not normal for her. Of course check on the iron/ vitamin issue because she isnt getting much if any. We had to give our boy pure iron mixture which smells, looks & tastes terrible. With aenemia you are tired & run down all the time day in day out. My ds couldnt walk to the car to or from kinder most days ( well a strict mother may have made him but I carried him alot because I felt sorry for him and he would beg me). If your dd is getting meat even once a week , she may only need a multi vitamen supliment rather than full on iron which is hard to get them to take. Good luck, we have tried many systems to try to get our kids to eat, bribery, reward system, punish ie no tv, scare system ie you wont grow , education ie teaching about our body needs, appealing to their weaknesses ie if you want to be like your hero (xyz) you must eat (xyz), etc, some days I all but give up! I hand feed my boy even now because even though he can (at 7 he is capable) I know he hates eatting some things & as a mother I dont care about rules ,I just want him to be healthy. By the way for the first time he now is eatting some meat without crying or screaming or making a fuss. He will have 4 pieces & I have to promise only 4 . We negotiate on this like we are both bargaining! Good luck, and dont believe the doctors who say no child will let herself starve blah blah & dismiss you as a problem mother. Work on your child all the time & you will get results. There are some good products around too that are for picky eatters ie high calorie milk drink mixes with vitamins. By the way iron actually increases appitite & visa versa.


Also please Otto, try to organise a binge type section as I classify dieters into 2 main categories being bingers and non bingers. Sometimes a binger needs a diferent approach although we all still need to follow the same basics. If dieting was as simple as eat less exercise more there wouldnt be a billion dollar industry world wide, so obviously some people need to work out their problems for long term success. However I also believe that we sometimes need to hear the truth & just get off our backsides & do some exercise & put down the chips. As a binger myself I could talk about it forever & still not actually do anything. We need a balance of a caring team who can say start again its OK if we fail & people who have actually done it or are doing it to tell us that it can be done its not just a dream.

By the way I am still OP.

You go girl. Keep up the good work. Your life has been difficult from a veryyoung age it seems. But you have the strength and courage to over come all obsticales. I enjoyed reading your journal and will stop by often to check on your progress. 2002 is your year go for it with gusto.

Judy2:cheers:

Dear Shaz,

Now I feel like such a clod for saying it must be nice to be blessed with light eaters! That sounds so hard. My heart goes out to you and to your little guys. I wonder what it is that makes some kids so picky? Did they rule out digestive pain? I suppose if it hurt every time you ate you wouldn't want to eat. Anyway, I am sorry for the insensitive comment! I feel like an idiot.:tomato:

My babies were chubby--ok they were fat! I nursed them both and they were big eaters. Especially my son, he would have liked to have his mouth surgically attached to the nipple if he could have! My daughter stayed chubby even after nursing stopped, she slimmed down quite a bit and just became a pretty normal looking toddler. But my son just suddenly stopped eating as soon as he was weaned. By that I mean he still ate a variety of foods, still loved fruits and veggies and meat, but he would eat one bite of each and say I am full. He ate about every other meal, too. We called it Joey's Air Diet and swore we were going to go on it ourselves. He did this for a whole year, but he seemed perfectly fine, so I didn't worry. His little body just slimmed down to his ideal size, and now he eats everything normally and stays slim, although he is a light eater at dinner.

As for your little guy's constant eating problems, as my mom says, the most comforting line in the Bible is, "And it came to pass..." because she said it was God's way of saying it will get better, it didn't come to stay the same! lol

I do wish us binge eaters had our own forum. Right now we are lumped in with "eating disorders" and while anorexia is just the other end of the same spectrum, somehow I do not feel like we can relate to each others unique problems!!

Maybe we could do what the Simply Abundant Flying Diettalkers did and make our own group journal? Just a thought!
Have a great weekend!

Dear Heather, thanks for dropping by. Re. kids, dont feel like a sod because we are all here to offer support & learn from each other. I felt really rotten that I might have offended you. Kids are the most unpredictable things, we just want them healthy & happy, this is not easy at times! You never know what you are going to get either which can make it more fun, but also more of a challenge. My problem boy is finally showing some improvement at 7 years. Up to now he has lived on mainly liquids read milk & some bread with butter, and cheese, and some apple (he will also eat a meat pattie from Mc D. but nothing else!). He has no pain from food but has a brain that just didnt want to eat! Doesnt this prove that as humans we are all born with some predisposition to overeat or not? We are not all the same but some are more greedy & some are just more determined. I really believe that G-d made some people with bodies & or minds that make them more attracted or addicted to food. Thats why the idea of just eatting less & exercising more by itself doesnt work. First the addiction must be addressed. Binging is much different than overeatting. Only a binger fully understands this distinction. A binger feels like food is a drug or that food has alot of power.

I agree, I find it hard to personally identify with an anorexic. Sometimes I feel like an anorexic in reverse ie I think I am thinner than I am & I think that I eat less than I really do. LOL!

What should we call this new thread so its catchy, relevant & inviting, any suggestions? Im imagining a place of support rather than debate. I know that we definately need to be in the real world & hear people like John & ThinLyn who say do it & no ifs or buts! I definately have to get out of talking about it & actually do it.(which thank G-d I am at the moment) But we also need to talk with others who are recovering or not who understand what a binge is etc.
Regards Sharon

I really admire the openness and honesty with which you've written here. You should not feel like your past wasn't bad enough to have to work out... all of us have to struggle with our pasts no matter what they contain. There will always be things we regret, can't forget, or have to live with that are hard.

You are doing such terrific things! You should be so proud! Quitting smoking is so hard all on its own and you are working on the weight loss and rewarding yourself. You must be feeling GREAT already. Take care and keep up the good work. You deserve all the wonderful things you are striving for.

Lisrey :o

Well, today Im feeling really down. In fact I feel flat, unenthusiastic, cant be bothered, lazy, sad, angry.....I dont even know....but its all negative. I have stayed OP.
I started having signs that all was not well when we went out for lunch in one of those big malls where you can choose anything. Well, I could not choose what I wanted to eat. My mind was like this: first I dismissed the hot food because its all too fattening, next I will tryed to choose a s/wich......but what will I have in it, should I get a roll & advacado & salad......but a roll is too much bread....but I might not like their bread......which bread should I choose white or grain or sourdough.....but thats heavy too & then I may as well have had some hot food....& on & on and analysing the prices ie well Im not paying xyz for a s/wich, this money thought really showed I had a screw loose because it wasnt expensive.....I was just going crazy. Well I didnt get anything & had some of my dh pizza & then got a low fat icecream. But I could not make up my own mind as I felt it was a very unfriendly attmosphere, too crowded & I have this food problem......Ahhhhhh.

Tonight is my family party at my house where I am going to cater with not too much food. To be honest I cant be bothered with it at all. I am sick of the politics even in my own family.....yes the past does linger! My mum always has a bloody issue about something and they are all valid (and I know I have them too) but I want a break from intense issues. Just when I think things have settled a new thing is a problem for her. Im not saying the problems arent real but I want to be selfish & not know about them. I know I am superficial here but I really want nothing more to think about but what handbag to buy. I dont want to analyse why the family doesnt get together more often, or why my brother is in a dream world OS...escaping?, or why my nanas are selfish or stupid, or why my mum has son in laws who dislike her, or stuff about my dad & regrets etc etc . This year I actually want to be selfish & trivial.....well for awhile anyway!

Shaz,

I think it is wonderful that you can come here and journal out your feelings and keep making good choices at buffets! Buffets are a huge problem for me, I just won't go or I will eat till I am literally sick.

I am sorry you have to deal with so many difficult people, and especially since they are family! Why do the people who are supposed to love and support us the most drive us the most insane?:(

Sometimes when you are not binging, so you have taken away your favorite comforting tool, you can fall into a cranky mood. Sometimes I get so grouchy when I am not overeating! I also think we go into some withdrawl from the fat and sugar and chemicals and junk in food. I know I feel lousy and then I feel better later.

Hope your party turns out fun in spite of it all! Love, Heather

Just wanted to step in and say hi! Thought I would look at some of the journals I haven't had a chance to read. and Boy reading your journal really opened up a lot of personal issues for me. I really related. From my child hood, and the binging, Oh and especially the part where I to didn't realize how I look, Thought I was fine, but now that I am watching myself I can really see myself better now. You have really got me thinking. Good for you for quitting smoking, thats a huge step. (i'm a former smoker)

Well sorry for moaning yesterday as my family get together went really well & I had a good time. I take back what I said because when push comes to shove you do need your loved ones( even if they sometimes annoy you!).

I did over eat and possibly my bad mood was a justification for being able to do so. ie I can be very sneaky even with myself.

Today is a new day so I am lucky to be able to start afresh. One interesting thing was that when I was into my binge I couldnt eat as much as in the past. I can still put down alot (LOL) but for me it was a surprise. I registered that over full feeling much earlier than in the past when I could eat mamoth quantities. Has my stomache shrunk? Wow ,its like having a stomache staple but no pain!

Hi Shaz,
I was gone for the weekend...thanks for responding to my daughter's situation...I just wanted to let you know - I called the doctor's office and they told me they didn't think it was her iron but they think she just has a virus...I don't know if I agree...she seemed a little better tonight but she is definitely not herself...if she doesn't seem better, I will take her in the office...cause I am worried...

GREAT BIG THANK YOU FOR STARTING THE BINGING FORUM...I also believe that overeating is not even close to binging...I plan to be failthful visitor there because I want help and I want to give help if I can...

see ya there...
Otto
:rose:

Well, Im OP. Being clear of mind I am definately seeing my shortcomings. I am not the best mum I can be. My oldest boy who doesnt eat enough is way behind in school & still is weak when it comes to sports. I am taking him to this place where they teach basic sport skills & they told me he can barely catch a ball(is his eye sight alright? yes its perfect). He tires easily & I really need to give him 100% from feeding him to reading to him etc. I keep saying that I will but I dont. Now I am writing a check list for myself as I have to plan my day rather than relying on everything to just happen. The funny thing is that my boy is so tall that we dont know how he grew with hardly any food. He looks tall & skinny like he is all legs & doesnt know where to put them.LOL . But really it is hard work for him to get thru his day. I owe it to him to give him a routine. Guilt Guilt Guilt. Yesterday I started a new approach with no tv after school, instead we read together. I can see that he cant read but will hope he learns one day.

Also I have started walking in the mornings before I am awake enough to find an excuse not to go. This is nice because I get a headstart to the day. My old self was always running late.
Hugs Sharon

Here goes, I am feeling happy......it feels weird as I am used to not feeling much or only feeling negative stuff. I am also seeing the attractive Sharon emerging, just a hint of what can be! You know that stage where your face looses just enough puffiness or fat to reveal a more streamlined face underneith. The one you thought you had seen the last of, the face you thought you had lost forever or had just imagined! Well Ive got my old face back! I feel like a new person but with my old face.LOL

I am determined to move ahead. I am aware that my binge monster is trying extra hard to get me to fail. He relies on me hating myself & doesnt want to be out of a job. Feeling attractive also comes with conflicting issues, this time I will work thru them. Maybe there are no issues and I was just imagining that there are. Maybe feeling good, looking good, is all good! Time will tell.

My plan is working with my kids & my guilt is swept away as I put in the effort. Guilt of any kind is a real burden, but in my case a good thing because it caused me to rectify a bad situation.

I am not weighing because I know I have lost & a figure at this point will just take away my pleasure.

I'm glad you're feeling happy and noticing a diffrence! Keep up the good work.
God bless
-Rachel

Thanks for visiting Rachel.

Well, I did weigh myself & on my current scales I weigh 163 pounds , aiming to loose 30 pounds ie goal 133 pounds. I will add here that I have also weighed around 193 pounds.

Yesterday I pushed myself all day in a way that I never would have before. First I will explain that Friday for us is Shabbat, a time that the family should be together. Well, as if I could ever be bothered I thought in the past. Its nothing so who cares etc ie what difference does it make.
But this Friday I wanted to give my family a gift of having one special dinner together without the tv on and everyone eatting all over the house etc. First I bought food to prepare for the evening meal, I cleaned the house, cleaned the kitchen etc. All day I was chopping, cooking, washing up dishes, setting the table (for Shabbat ie special), lit the candles etc. I kept saying to myself the kitchen is the heart of the house it has to be clean or how can we feel good at the table looking into kitchen mess. Normally we eat & get used to the mess. Well, I was pretty tired, it wasnt easy, I was thinking....how can I do this every week...but I stuck with the plan.
I made san chou bow- a mixture of stir fried chicken mince with tiny cut up vegies & spring onions & chestnuts & chinese plum sauce served in lettuce leaves ( which you trim into a neat circle), and a sweet potato & pumkin soup (pureed), we also had challah (sweet bread purchased when it was still warm out of the oven!).


Well, the pleasure I had was 10 fold what I expected. My family were abit taken aback at the formality but there was no tv on as my dh was too scared to ruin it (or he knew it might not happen again!). (My dh & I fight over the tv all the time as he wants it on every second of the day even when we are eatting......well lately I say if you are going to act like a dog you can eat like one too...and I leave him to serve himself & eat watching tv by himself). Anyway, it felt like a normal family (except my boys wouldnt eat anything I had prepared & I had to make them something else(ahhhhhh). Then my inlaws popped in & there was enough food for them too. I felt so good that the house was neat & the kitchen welcoming etc. Even though I dont get on well with them I was still happy that everything looked so impressive. So Im going to do this every Fri. to keep my family together.

I did have lots of food cravings after dinner, food still plays with my mind but I spent the night searching my brain for what I was feeling...ie tired!

Shaz,
Hi ! Just read your journal from the beginning and all I can say is wow!! You have had enough for 2 lifetimes!! The good part is that you have come so far and find so much to be positive about!!
Good for you!!

I want to tall you that I had a son who wouldn't eat and he was a bean pole. I begged ,pleaded and finally got to the point that I couldn't take his behavior any longer. Took him to his peditrician and doc told me me he will eat when he is hungry and all that you are doing is making it worse. Of course those aren't his exact words but that is what he meant. I had no one to talk to so I did what the doctor said. I fixed his meals and sat it on the table called him to dinner. One bite and he was gone. This went on for a long time.

I remember trying to force him to eat one day and threw up on the table!! So that was the end of trying to force him. It seemed the more I begged and pleaded the worse he became. Finally I had had enough and I told him straight up here is your food if you want to eat fine if you don't fine but it is up to you period!! I never said another word to him about eating. The hardest thing I ever did was not to try and make him eat. I had to let go of the power struggle and that is what it was. He could keep my attention by not eating and once I let him know the "game " was up he began to eat. He never did eat as much as I thought he should but he is 37 now and is still not a big eater but he is healthy. I am not making light of your situation because I know how tough it is to have a child behave that way. I struggled with my son for almost 8 years before I finally had it up to my eyes!!

This whole process didn't happen over night. It took months before my son ate enough to keep a bird alive. The doc did put him on an elixer to improve his apetite and he ate more then but as soon as he stopped taking the med he slowed his eating again.

Thing is now I see my grandson doing the same thing with the eating. I asked my son if he was having problems getting his son to eat and he said no he will eat when he is hungry!! So I don't say anything as long as he is healthy skinny is okay!!

Thank God that is in the past!! My point here is that eventually this too shall pass!! You will look back on this time and most likely see things in a different light. Right now you are doing what you need to do and that is best. I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are with my son. Things do work out!!

Good for you still not smoking!! :) :) :) I quit 8 years ago and I know how hard that is to do. You are going to do great with your weight lose and new positive outlook and motivation.

I am a former binger so I do know that monster real well. The only thing that stops binging is that I want to change my life to become happier and healthier. In order to do that I had to close the doors to the past after revisiting them one last time. Now I haven't been on a binge in 8 years. Something with the not smoking and binging seemed to click.

Many things that were so important in my life have had to take a different place. I could not and will not let the behavior of others stop me from reaching my goals. I have learned that I am important. I concentrate on taking care of me first then I can attend to others. I finally after 56 years put me first. Now I see my goals as achievable and you will too!!

You have come a long way and you should be proud of yourself for all the positives things you have done. It takes a special person to want to change their life and then set about doing it!!
So keep hanging in there sweetie we are right here for you when you need to talk.

Think I have done enough talking!! Just remember one day at a time and pound at a time!! You are a winner!!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie

Thanks for the visit, you give me too much credit as I feel like my life is very ordinary!

I feel like my body is getting smaller, I am not constantly tired & feeling sick like usual too. I think my body really struggled with the food overload and I always felt sluggish and tired and in pain. Today I walked with a bounce in my step which I havent felt in a long time. In the past I wanted to get results but not really change anything that I was doing. I was a token dieter always looking for a loophole or a way to not have to give up my way of living. Now I know that nothing is sacred & I am prepared to do what it takes. I have to accept that my old ways of thinking, old priorities, old systems all have to be evaluated & trashed if necessary. It is hard to accept that most of what I thought or believed in was wrong, I really hate being wrong. But holding on to old ways is no longer an option. I am strong enough to admit I was wrong & to fix myself up.

Regards Sharon

Im still OP but have had a few hairy moments. Last night I spent alot of time & energy cooking something for my kids & dh seperately because everyone wants something diff. Well after all that effort the only thing I wanted to eat was a sandwich & to pick at different things. Picking can lead to trouble for me as the boundaries get blured etc. I often feel safe with sandwich because of old tapes in my head which want me to control everything ie I know that 2 breads & piece of cheese & lettuce is a set portion as oppossed to a plate of food that you dont know if its too much etc. Its all part of my not trusting myself with food so I go to the familiar. I get nervous with my cooking because I want it to turn out but I dont want it to be so good that I get caught up in it and binge. Yes I am particularly crazy when it comes to food. And G-d help me when dh doesnt want to eat much of what Ive cooked........I agonise whether to throw leftovers away, eat them, put them in the fridge (hoping that the leftovers wont effect me)......AHHHHHH! Ive got to say & believe that food does not have power, I am the boss. I cook a lot because if I dont my dh will buy take away (no problem) and that freaks me out even more. Sometimes things just go with the flow for me & other days every little decission is a huge drama & I feel so stuck. But Im OP & this is allowing me to move in a possitive direction to really achieve my full potential!

Shaz, I can't believe there is someone out there so much like me in regards to food! I didn't think anyone could have as much of a problem as I have had with bingeing. To give you an idea, my birthday was Feb. 1. I brought 18 cupcakes to share at work and had a good day at work so only ate 2. Then I went home and my daughter had made me a beautiful cake for my birthday. I probably ate 3/4 of it over the next 48 hours, after which I became disgusted with myself, folded up the remainder in the cardboard it was sitting on and put it in the kitchen garbage can.
I came home from church the next day with my blood sugar a little too low (I'm diabetic) and felt panicked to eat. I can't believe I'm telling anyone this, but I actually got the cake out of the garbage can (no other garbage had been added to the can), unfolded the cardboard and ate some of the cake before I came to my senses and threw it back in the garbage! I remember writing in my journal the next day WHAT IS THIS ILLNESS?! Thank God that in the last week I have found this website with support plus I've gotten help from some Bible scriptures and I'm doing MUCH better with food right now, and have also upped my exercise to 25 min a day on an exercise bike.
Hang in there and I will, too. - Dorrie

Thanks for visiting. You reminded that yes I too have done the same. Come to think of it Ive been bulemic, have eatten frozen food (couldnt wait for it to defrost), have eatten food thats too hot, I have eatten off others plates before asking for permission! Ive stolen food from where I worked (in the past).....food & me go back a long way. Sometimes I think that being poor (or maybe it was my families culture) as a child made us look towards food as the ultimate treat ie special foods were a luxury. To this day I sometimes feel that I am handling gold or something when I buy food! Well, there are many layers to unravel. Beeing OP is very important to me now & I am OK with admitting things that I normally would not even admit to myself.

Im doing badly. Help. Long story.......

Hey, sweetie, I don't know what is going on for you, but I just want you to know that you are WONDERFUL and SMART and KIND and LOVEABLE. What ever you are feeling right now, and how ever you are reacting to those feelings, it does not change the facts that you are worthy, and a special lady who deserves to be treated nicely, especially by you! Big hugs!! PM me if you want to tell me more of what is going on. I am here for you!!! Love, Heather

I will tell later. Now I am back in my depression. I feel like Im so unhappy that I could die. I have got some new tablets that may help this part my problem. Also my h is basically a selfish b#@%$# etc and always has been. This gets me down. Mostly things are ok because there is alot of good in the marriage but we are not compatable. He is always putting me down but he will say I do the same. He is nastey. Alot of marriages arent what they should be. Sometimes he is good to me but never emotionally.

My food has been bad & I feel fatter & uglier than ever. I have no one to talk to at my kids school and Im just wellowing in self pitty! I feel pretty lonely. Sorry to be so dark.

Dear Shaz,

This is about the time I wish I had a teleporter and I could come right through this computer and give you a massive hug. I have been there, my friend. My ex husband was selfish as all @#$%, there was just no room in his universe for any one else's feelings or needs. The only thing you can do is refuse to play along. No more nasty comments back, when he starts in on you, just say, "You are obviously upset right now but I will not listen to you when you talk to me this way. Talking this way will hurt our kids. I will be back and we can talk rationally" and leave. I had to do this countless times. Then you go somewhere (I always took the kids to the park.) and you silently tell yourself that you are ok, it is his problem, and congratulate yourself on not being cruel back. That cruelty between parents is absolute poison to a child's soul. Be strong and do not participate. Think of your kids.

As cruel as other people can be to us, no one is as viscious to ourselves as we are! If you can, make a list of things you like about yourself, and don't stop until you have at least 20.

Medication can definitely help you feel better. I am so glad you got some help, and have faith that soon it will begin to work. Now is the time to be super nice to yourself! Time for RSC, radical self care! That means getting back on track with the eating, and take yourself on a walk and tell yourself how wonderful you are, even if you don't believe it right now. Dress kind of nice, put on makeup if you use it, blow off the chores and do something you want to do!! Please keep checking in Shaz and know that a lot of people care about you!! Especially me :x biggest hugs, Heather

Hey Shaz!
I totally understand about leftovers! My solution (of sorts) is to cook healthy homestyle food, and give husband double portions, since he is male and rather tall( and thus burns more cals.) Also, invite as many people over as you have extra servings of food!!!!!! LOL Cooking diff things for everybody is very tiresome. Tell them if they want something diff, they can make it their self. That sounds harsh, but your family should support you. After all, you're making a lifestyle change, not just a temporary change. Check out cookbooks by Joanna M. Lund. Very tasty food, and very clear about portion sizes. Good luck!
Jenn

shaz,
I've been thru depression too, and I know what a b*tch it can be. Hang in there, be around supportive people, and whenever you need to talk, talk. try Paxil it worked for me.
I know it's very difficult to believe, but it does get better eventually. HUUUUUUUUUUUG

Thanks girls you are really saving my life! I am feeling a bit better & this too shall pass.

Heather, you are one of the nicest people that I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Thanks a million for the advice. I am guilty of ugly fighting in front of the kids. I will listen to your words in my head next time re. the kids. My h must have some agender in making me feel bad about myself (yet he wouldnt leave & has never even dated anyone else). He enjoys putting me down & mostly I dont take the bait ....but when Im feeling weak it really gets to me. Mostly Im OK because I love my kids & usually Im pretty free to do what I want in my life. I just cant expect nice conversation with him (he is a non talker).

Jennifer, thanks for your advice. When I start obsessing about dinner & what I will cook it means Im getting off balance. ie trying to please people thru food . I think I was looking for some aproval thru cooking for my family. (My h is never content with what I cook).Trying to get him to say he enjoyed it is another version of me taking his bait....because he cant admit something nice. Anyway, there are two sides to every relationship and I do stuff that annoys him too. We arent overly compatible but there are still some good things too.

Heather, you go & have the most romantic time ever! I cant wait to hear about the details. You deserve the best & it sounds like your Will knows it too.

I am getting better and once again thanks for the support.

I am back from my romantic weekend and the first thing I wanted to do is check on you! I am glad you are feeling better, my friend. I know sometimes depression and spousal problems can feel like the deepest, darkest pit in the world. Just remember that you are lovable, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You do NOT have to listen to people who want to cut you down. You can say NO, you can LEAVE, you have every right to protect yourself from people who belittle you and make you feel awful about yourself. And no, I am not saying leave your husband forever, nothing like that. I just think the two of you need to take some time and remember what you love about each other, and start to treat each other like people who DO love each other, or at least did once, enough to say I will love you forever and make a family with you. Most of the time this means that you need to be the one to take the lead, to speak kindly and do nice things for him, and break the cycle of hurt feelings and withdrawl and perpetual bickering and needing to be right.

I know all of that is easy for me to say, the one who doesn't have to figure out how to do it! But I know that you love your kids and you will do anything for them. This is something that will help them tremendously, even aside from what it will do for you and hubby.

I really care about you and I think it is awesome that you have quit smoking, you are flying, you are taking care of your boys, you deserve SOOO much credit for any one of those things, and you are doing them all. Plus you are abstaining from binging and doing your emotional work, and trying hard to get it together with marriage too. You deserve a big hug, and to give yourself a break. I wish I could buy you flowers right now, I really do. Keep taking care of you Shaz! You are a great person! Love, Heather