Hello Donna,

That's great news!!! I'm really glad that you will be getting your check. It is a shame that at times like what you went through that someone higher up must step forward in our behalf. It should have been taken care of by the state long before it reached such dire necessity.

Sounds like you got some good buys at your store there. That's always a nice feeling, isn't it?

Well, you continue to take care now and keep well. I will drop in again soon.

Sandie

Can't seem to get online.

Compulsive nature goes beyond eating. I really have to stay away from the store. I keep saying do I need it, every time I pick up something at the store.

Sometimes I feel our compulsive behavior is a way of procrastinating and prevents us from getting to where we need to go. I lose so much time involved in food and recently shopping----for things I don't need. I put back but the time is gone. I have enough. I actually have excess and often feel drowning in the clutter.

Got too much to do to stay online long. Haven't made it to the gym this week and am feeling guilty over my abscence.

Donna

Made it to the gym and did 7.7 miles on the bike but no weights. I watched my son struggling with a need to ask some other 16 yr old out for a date. She comes to the gym infrequently and I really don't know if she is shy or just not interested in Phillip. It's cute and sad.
He feels so out of water on talking to kids his own age. And I could shoot his trainer for not returning my calls asking when the double date is to be.

Haven't eaten this morning, and so am going to head out the door for the post office and probably Chinese. I thought Steve and I were going out for early dinner. But the only reason I didn't eat is cause I went back to bed. Then a bath and now online. Sounds lazy but have a 12.5 hr night shift ahead of me and need to sleep in on Fridays if I can, usually my body won't go back to sleep but it's so dreary out that it seems twilight like.

Have a great weekend.

Donna

Hi Donna, I am trying to visit people I havent said hi to or havent in a long long time.. This DT is TOO BIG..lol

I read where you are shopping for things you dont even need...reminds me of me these days. hahaha
Poor house here we come, but I find myself shopping! Goodwill no less! I have always been the kind of person that if I had a garment to wash while I was wearing one, that was good enuff for me.. I think I am just happy about losing weight and I am pretending to be a barbie doll. LOL
But, I have put a stop to that nonsense..
I dont have a need in the world right now.. I have all my basics..

Nahh its not lazy, a 12 hour shift is hard on the body, get your rest while you can Donna...

Have a good sleep!

Was so angry over the 403B retirement people not doing as I instructed or at least intended with my acct that I lost 4 hr and ran to 3 different places to see how my instructions were not followed. I was told I must have panicked and instructed them to sell those mutuals in 2001. I was outraged at such blatant condensation. I warned this advisor I could reduce my retirement contribution though I had no option due to where I work to remove it entirely. Geeze. They are a service I pay for and I will NOT be talked down to. That my wishes were not carried out is evident in the paperwork I obtained copies at work.

So I was angry and frustrated and decided to SHOP. And Penneys has a great sale going on and bought 4 bags of clothes. No joke. Not much for me but couldn't get my son to try on much so am going to return the stuff he refuse to even consider. Anyway, I don't feel better about how my retirement fund was handled but rather procrastinated or postponed thinking about it any more for the moment. But now I am very weary of this company.

As for the clothes, my son has on a new outfit today for about $15 for the pants and shirt. The price was right but his smile of satisfaction was better.

Didn't go to the gym yesterday due to Phil's sore muscles so will go today. He doesn't have a date for Valentine Day and called the little girl and then got online so she couldn't call him back. I am just giving up on saying anything. He feels so awkward trying to talk to this girl. Only he can work it out. He knows it was dumb.

Hope he runs into her at the gym. But I'm out of it. I might have started it but he has to learn how to talk to peers. Being an only child he is much more comfortable with adults.

I don't have plans for today other than to returns to Penney's. I need to work on taxes but just brooding over this whole financial issue ----like chewing the cud. Just need to spit it out and let it go. It 's been done.

Gotta scoot,

Donna

Thurs night late. Had a great time at Angie's birthday bash for her husband 40th birthday.

Definately not diet material with a cheeseball and carrot cake. But ate very lite all day knowing I was going to this party. They played poker for a nickel annie and watched Survivor and then listened to CDs. It was just fun.

My son loves Angie and her family and their dogs, and we shared the evening in laughter. Funny how you want to capture these times in a bottle as if you could take them out to relive another time.

I bought my neice an evening dress and some jeans and took a few minutes to mend the top loop on the back of the dress that was loose. It is grey that shimmer silver when the fabric is moved and very elegant. I bought it knowing it needed this repair but knew it was very minor ----if my fingers weren't cracked open and bleeding on my right hand ( have chronic excessively dry skin on my hands from frequent handwashing at the hospital that makes them crack open ) if my hands weren't so sore the repair would have taken just minutes. But now the repair is done and hopefully she will love it.

Gotta get to bed, have to be up early tomorrow to take Phil to school. I hate shopping for the bud and he again didn't like what I picked out so no more. That was the last of my running. Will return this shirt and get no more.

After this if he wants clothes he needs to buy his own. That includes summer clothes.

Better head for bed. Will be getting just a little over 5 hr sleep but hope to nap before working Fri. night. Got little done this week and feeling that pressure I usually feel before each weekend. It's kinda like the " I BLEW IT" feeling----for I never get done what I think I should have and I know I acted out my frustrustration by shopping daily instead of working on those taxes or de-cluttering my home. I always find that on Thursday I do this inventory of what I haven't gotten done.

Why do I do this when it is such a downer.

Donna

Hello Donna,

Thank you so much for visiting me.

You know, I like to shop when I am frustrated or upset over things too. A way of getting some comfort other than eating, I suppose. Not really sure. Trouble is I usually buy rashly, but don't take the items back, which I should.

I'm sorry your son wasn't greatly impressed with the items you purchased for him, but that is just the way of a teen. My kids were the same way when they were his age. So if they needed something, I would give them sufficient funds and let them do their own shopping. As long as what they got was acceptable in their school and fairly decent, I didn't complain. It lessened the amount of tension in the home. And to me that was more important. They just have different tastes that we do, and that is so regardless of which generation they come from. Personally, I believe the term "gender gap" originated because of the difference of opinions and ideas between parents and their teenage children...........LOL

I hope you enjoy a lovely and pleasant weekend. Take care of yourself, keep well and stay safe.

Sandie

Try to limit my time online. I applied for a new position at work in PACU and only have one phone line. Oddly haven't heard anything.
Maybe they filled it within the department and posting it was just a formality. It happens.

Worked out yesterday and got a cleaning schedule for today. My neice is visiting on Sat. My son is so excited. Had 20 oz of coffee and 20 oz of water already. Took out trash and recycle, my son was running too late to help. Teens, love 'em but no organization.

My son worked out with Josh, and I was thrilled for he stays to himself too much. I really wanted him to make friends forever with another guy at the gym. The trainer who was going to try to work out with him once a week, has only done that a couple of times. Most of the time he is a no show. Always a good sounding excuse, but reminds me of every guy I ever dated that let me down, only this time it's my kid. I 'm not paying him to work out, the trainer offered to work out with PHil cause he cares about him. But without being paid he isn't a priority. I guess Phil will just have to decide how to take this treatment. But for me, I know the trainer is likeable and Phil respects him, and thinks he can do no wrong. Me, I am torn -----but it's Phil's workout. He works out even when the trainer doesn't show up but I see him watching the door, hoping he will come. Disappointment is part of life. I can't shelter him from all hurts.

Gotta scoot,

Donna

Trying to get all the household stuff done, before working this weekend. Laundry is folded but not put away, and chili base is made, just spiced up some meat and onion and tomato paste and will freeze part of it for later. Then take put the rest in fridge till Sun or Monday to add beans and tomato juice and make a chili soup. Would make a great base for chile cheese dip.

Dishes done except for the chili pan. Still have to try on some clothes I bought on sale and put on the keeper stack or return. I really dread this. Not sure why. Guess I see myself one way and with new clothes I am thrown into reality, seeing myself and not liking to look. Kinda hard to confess. Guess I don't look at myself full length in the mirror. But trying on clothes forces me to see the details.

My neice is suppose to come this weekend and I need to pick up some more. But feeling low, it's grey outside and work looms and so does the trying on of clothes, and I feel defeated.

Better go get my buns in gear.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I hope the new clothes fit nicely and that more of them were "keepers" as opposed to "returns." I hate having to make returns, so I never buy anything without trying it on at the store first. But I will admit, that even when I have chosen something, and found that it fit, and even enjoyed wearing it a few times, suddenly I will decide I just don't like the article any longer. I don't know why that happens. Thank goodness it doesn't happen very often either.

It sounds like your son Phil is really into working out and keeping fit. That's really great! If he is like that now, at his young age, maybe it will be something that he will continue with as he matures. Then when he becomes a Father some day, he will be a wonderful example for any children he might have by showing them that a healthy lifestyle is beneficial in many ways. It sure would be nice to know that more of our future generation would feel that way. Don't you think?

I hope your weekend went well, and that you have a good week at work. Just keep remembering that March will be upon us in no time now. So the year is marching forward, so is the weather, and better days are definitely on the way.

Take care now,
Hugs,
Sandie

Late night and need to be in bed.

Colin Raye sings a song called I WISH I COULD, it reflects the love we feel for our loved ones and how we wish we could protect them from all the evil and keep them safe. How we can't but we wish we could.

This weekend I took care of 2 kids in early 20s and it hurt not to be able to wave some magic wand and take away the infection. I can't seem to shake this feeling of anxiety and on the other hand a sense of gratitude that I have a healthy child.

Have to get up in less than 6 hr and have an appt with financial advisor in regards to my 403 plan and being able to retire.

I don't think I like this man. Too long a story but suffice to say he began telling me how I must have been feeling. Assuming too much for not knowing me. But am trying to go to this meeting with an open mind and see if I am going to meet my retirement plans.

Later,

Donna

Running off to bed.

The retirement thing went better than I thought but the visit to child support division was bad. Found out I am in California jurisdiction though we have lived in Indiana for almost 15 years. Makes no sense to me. Law varies and support ends at high school in California. There really should be federal laws regarding child support. A child's needs don't really vary because of the state they live in. Am going to check out if jurisdiction can be moved to IN.

In Indiana child support would continue till 21 if a full time student. My ex will care less if his son gets an education so long as he doesn't have to pay for it.

Nothing I can do about it tonight and need to sleep.

Donna

No time to type but don't want to hunt for my journal again so
putting this in till I get some time to journal.

Donna

First day of spring break and woke on the wrong side of the bed. Went to the gym with Phil and biked and worked out on some machines, came home and cooked him some pea casserole and me some stuffed cabbage but used 7 lb cabbage and only 1 lb of meat rice onion mixture. Not much into meat but like it to flavor the cabbage. Got a few dishes left but dish water got too dirty so will do those when I get back from going to see Master and Commander at the movies with my best fellow. He's in the shower.

Will be out tomorrow almost 6 hr with the bud, he has an appt and will take the biggest chunk out of my daylight. And if we spend 2 hr in the gym ----won't get home till late. Phil may not feel like going depending on how this appt turns out.

Phil hasn't decided where he wants to go to school but found out child support ends after graduation next year. I am just grateful for the support we finally got. I worry how I'm going to pay for the tuition etc but decided against working more. I am not compatible with my co-workers. After the 2-12 hr I am pretty wiped out and if I worked it would be that Sunday night. But working 33 hr in 3 days is rather demanding. Anyway, after Saturday night I decided just to forget it. We will get Phil thru college, he and I. He may have to take out loans but then he will be invested in his education. I did when I was his age but I guess I wanted to give him his education. I've been frugal for the most part and there is
an internal sense of defeat -----that I failed him.

I am not wanting to hand him life on a silver platter but an education that hasn't indebted him would have been nice. I earn too much to qualify for PELL Grants and his grades aren't high enough for scholarship----most want a 3.25 and he has a 3.1.

It will work itself out. I get weary of the constant stress of trying to figure how I could do better for him. Laughable I want a new mattress. Yes, sounds stupid but feel guilty for wanting this. I like a really hard mattress and mine is 14 yr old and not as firm as I like any more. But like other household repairs I know the house needs -----can wait till I get him thru college. Not unless I work extra do I want to buy my new mattress. Well maybe.

Phil needs a new mattress too. Never realize how bad his was, so soft, no support, but then he doesn't complain about much. Oddly he rarely ask for anything. For an only child, I feel I got a gift. But then I try to make his every dream come true. I feel the need to make more so I am in a better position to pay for his college, but I hate not being home while he is home for these last 1.5yr before college. We do lots together----which will end I know when he gets his license. That should be in May.

Better scoot.

Donna

Hello Donna,

I know you want to do what is best for Phil, and help him with the funds needed for his further education. But most of that depends more on Phil than you realize.

It's a wonderful feeling when we can help our children when possible. But if he wants a collegs education badly enough, he will do what is necessary to get it. That is a well known fact. And many a wonderful successful person has had a might struggle to get their education. But sometimes the efforts needed are an education unto themselves that also last a lifetime and produce wonderful rewards in the end.

You are a responsible and loving Mother. There is nothing more any child could want but that.

Take care and try to visit more often.

Hugs,
Sandie

Didn't make the gym, got home just before 4 p.m. and Phil didn't feel up to going. We may go today depending on how he feels. Treated him to subways----roast beef with the fixings he likes and a scoop of Splenda sweetened ice cream. Subways went over great with him.

Got lots to do with the housework. So can't stay online long.

Dishes, laundray, sweep and mop and put down the clean rugs. Better get to the website I came online to check out.

Donna

Sandielynne 's journal has a link to an article on Martha Stewart and it considers the justice of prison time for lying. But for me it is an issue of acountability/honesty.

Each day as I set up a food plan mentally I don't keep myself accountable for sticking to it. The outcome is not seeing a weight loss. I sabotage myself and I suffer the results. Today I start out my morning with 2 oranges and 20 oz of coffee.

But my plans are vague about lunch, maybe subway sharing Phil's sandwiches. Supper is suppose to be cabbage, I've been eating each night. Stuffed cabbage.

But it has a loose composition this plan and without a plan people usually fail. Or at least I do.

Got to scoot, just notice the time and have an appt to go to.

Donna

My son turns 17 today and is sleeping in. Had a bad night of sleep waking frequently and dreaming about weight loss herbal medication I got in the mail. No, I haven't ordered one but that was the dream. And maybe that is really the dream that some pill will do it.

Got laundry in the washer and coffee brewing. Took a bath and feel like a beaten rug with this crappy sleep pattern. Maybe I really do need this new mattress.

My nephew went out last night and his sister said he looked nice. A real compliment. Said the girl wasn't pretty and it was a blind date. Just hoped that they had a good time.

Today is Phil's day and hope to take him to my sister if that is where he wants to go. He says he wants Denney's breakfast. Haven't ate there for at least 6 months so off to Denney's if that is what the birthday boy wants.

Have a great weekend.

Donna

Hi Donna,

How are you doing these days? And how's the "big" boy of yours. I know he's back in classes now, right? Did you all have a great day on his birthday? I certainly do hope so.

It was absolutely gorgeous here today. So I did the laundry and hung it out to dry in the fresh air and sunshine. I also got my walking in while waiting for the wash to get done. It was so nice and the Robins were singing and the frogs were singing in the ponds too. I just love spring days like this. It's just a shame there aren't enough of them. Too soon it seems that spring rushes into summer. And we wait so long for spring, so I wish it wouldn't rush ahead so quickly.

The grass is getting greener every day too. I don't know what it's like where you are, but I'm loving it here right now.....haha

Take care lady, and thanks so much for stopping by.

Hugs,
Sandie

Phil has mornings off and so am feeling cramped by him wanting the computer and TV whereas I usually come online at this time and watch a morning show with the news. Not so much on that second hr and so Phil will be changing the channel soon.

Got clothes in the dryer and dishes done. Made coffee and going to pay a couple of bills online.

Better scoot.

Donna

The sunshine lasted an hour. Now it is gray and cloudy.

Am getting stuff together to send in to my flex plan. Debating again about working extra. I know I am feeling stressed over how to pay for college and found that jurisdiction won't be moved to my state. Child support will end in a year.

Better scoot, have lots to do before the gym this afternoon.

Donna

The daylight left and so has my steam. I listened to my self absorped son tell me he didn't have a black belt or at least one he'd wear. He states I made him pick one out when they didn't have one he liked. I am not buying him another item of clothing. I am tired of this ungrateful attitude.

He can buy his own stuff with his own money. I am sick of this whiny attitude of I don't wear my black shoes cause I don't have a black belt. I really don't want to hear such crap. I am tired of seeing clothes bought and not worn, same with shoes. Now I have had it. I looked for him a black belt and he didn't like what I picked out and so I got him another he choose. He said he was forced to get one when he didn't like any of them there at that time. Next time I'll give him a crying towel.

Enough is enough. I spend money on him and hold off on things I need cause teen self image is so important to self acceptance. But this "I don't have mentality" makes me sick.

Well, he has gone to church. I wasn't ready to go. He never mentioned going until on the way to the gym. Of course, I grilled his steak and will do up the dishes while he's at church.

My chili didn't thaw out so may have a can of soup. I am just so hurt and angry over his attitude. He doesn't know what it's like just to own one pair of shoes. But not to wear the black ones cause he doesn't own a belt he likes makes me angry and frustrated. I want to go out and get some burger and fries. I won't -----only had fries once in the last 6 months. But I being fixated on food, want to eat away the anger. Yes, I need dinner but this hunger is anger.

Better scoot,

Donna

Hi Donna,

I'm proud of you girl for not going out and eating your anger at the local Burger King with a supersized meal. I know that took strength and determination. One day at a time dear, and you will get there. I promise you.

I really do wish you would not worry so much about Phil getting his education. There are so many programs out there to help students that really want an education, especially those that are financially strapped. On top of that, I can't tell you how many young people do it the old fashioned way. They work their way through college. Why don't you let Phil make the decision as to how much he wants that education. I'm sure even he is smart enough to know that he is going absolutely no where in this world without a college education. But if he really wants it, he will find the way. Believe me.

I raised 3 children alone, and although I was able to put aside a few dollars each week for a Xmas club for myself and for my children, and we had a 401K program, it didn't leave me anything to put away for college. My daughter was the only one that really wanted an education. She joined the military, and got help that way. The rest of the money she worked her butt off and also got a government loan. But she not only graduated from college, she has a Master's degree. And she did it all on her own.

I know you Phil can do the same thing if he really wants it. My Parents both always taught us that something we work for ourselves is something we will honor and treat with respect simply because we did have to work for it and learned that it really wasn't come by in such an easy manner. Maybe that will be the lesson your Phil needs to learn. You have done everything for him and given him everything within your power. Eventually the well does run dry. Besides, mybe it would also be good for you to give him credit for being able to take care of himself, even if right now it doesn't much seem like it.

Give it a thought or two. But I have been there, so I speak from experience. I wish you and your son the best in life. Sometimes though the best can only be had when we are willing to fight for it ourselves though.

Hugs,
Sandie

Times New Romanindigo

Don't go online for a week and all has changed. Got to get moving so can't stay online for long. Got a turkey breast in the crockpot and most of the groceries put up. But the cleaning has to be done. Seems all I do it laundry and dishes.

Phil is going out with a girl on Saturday----Hallaleujah. No joke, my shy young boy has a date with Michael-Anne. I work with her mom occasionally and she and I exchanged phone # and the kids have been talking for several weeks. Phil hasn't decided about going to the prom and I really am too spread thin over running him everywhere to care. Michael Anne is double dating with her cousin which I think is safer.

Phil started his lifeguard class and with the first dive he perforated his rt ear. I thought he was just acting silly holding his head and hitting the wall, like he was drunk after getting out of the water. Instead the room was spinning and he felt nauseated. I told him to stop acting like a drama queen and come on. I feel terrible. He was trying not to vomit and not fall from the dizziness and I was mean, thinking he was just messing around. He had had a head cold and scratchy throat on Sunday. But took him to the dr and she said his rt ear is perforated and prescribed some antibiotic ear drops. She doesn't want him to deep dive due to the hole in his ear and to see him in a month to see if it closed on its own.

So haven't made it to the gym this week. I think I've got tennis elbow or torn shoulder ligament. Rt arm ----the forearm is so sore when I pick anything straight up or twist my arm a certain way or if it hangs. So wasn't going to work that arm to see if it will heal thyself, rather than make me see a doctor.

Bought cheesecake bites----to minimize the damage. One sm bar is 180 calories but satisfies my sweet tooth. Actually could eat the 6 oz box in one sitting but they are individually wrapped and hoping to see it as a serving.

Got to hide eggs tomorrow for Sunday morning. My son expects an Easter Egg hunt. Will fill those plastic eggs with his fav chocolate truffle and hide them. Will be too tired to do it Saturday. That 12 hr Friday night is a killer tho actually the Saturday was worst this last weekend.

Confronted a nurse in writing on her lack of follow thru in giving a patient of mine pain medication. If you agree to medicate a patient for me then I expect you to do so. She left my patient in pain for more than 30minutes
----actually went to check on him after doing trache care to find he had
never been medicated. I was so upset I woke up and wrote her a note
telling her she has a professional accountability to follow thru on her statements. I know she sees me as asking her to do my work rather than give a patient medication in a timely fashion. Thought writing this note to her would let me not keep re-hashing the situation but now I am worried that she will be upset with me. Geeze, if worry was on sale, I 'd probably buy a cart full of it.

So much for keeping this short and getting offline promptly.

Sandie, I put myself thru college with a minor scholarship and had to repay my student loan. I just always wanted to be able to give my son this. But have warned him he may have to take out loans.

Gotta scoot,

Donna

Met with my head nurse and it was the same old stuff in regards to not being a team player. She did not like me writing this nurse this note and I was to not write a note to anyone unless previewed by her first. Just like a mommy she is going to census my actions. Frankly it's okay with me. For I came to regret the harsh manner I addressed the issue. Oddly I knew when I wrote this note and sent her a copy that she would be addressing it and me. What was unexpected was her telling me that me helping my assistants turn patients was preceived as being bossy and demanding. It was never my intent. I thought I was taking care of the patients and helping my nursing assistant. She states the nursing assistants feel I put their efforts down by my mannerisms. I thought we were working as a team. Can't win. But I don't try to win. Just give good patient care.

I had a minor binge and ate 3 fruit snacks (those kiddie pkg of gummy bear like fruit treats of 1 oz each. Wasn't huge but will only 3 hr sleep on board I was wiped out.

This meeting on Monday colored my whole weekend and felt I didn't make enough efforts on Phil and Easter. So went out and got him a few more things for his Easter basket. Forgot to make Steve a basket for Easter and so bought him some stuff and hope he will go out tomorrow with me for my birthday so I can give it to him. Steve is a friend and between girlfriend, so no one to fuss over him and make his EAster special. His father had a total hip surgery and know that he is staying over there alot to be of assistance.

Better scoot, I want some more coffee.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I hope you had a nice Easter Sunday.

I see that tomorrow is your birthday? Well, in that case, let me be the first to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY :cheer:. I hope you have a really wonderful day and that your dearest wish will be granted.

I am sorry that you might not be able to make a college education for Phil as easy as you would have wished to do. It was right to warn him of that possiblity too, about needing a student loan. I'm sure he knows that you have done your best, and will be man enough to face whatever responsibilities might befall him. It is obvious that you love him deeply and have devoted your life to his happiness. I just hope that he shows the proper appreciation when all is said and done. But I'm sure he will because I know you have also taught him to show respect and good manners at all times too.

I am sure that it must be necessary to make ends meet, but it's a shame that you seem to need to work so many hours, and then find yourself so depleted of energy quite often. I have a similar problem with the lack of energy, and I am retired. I really do feel for you because I know it must make it very difficult for you on a daily basis.

Please take good care of yourself, and stay safe.

Hugs,
Sandie

Thanks for the birthday wishes, my twin worked last night and so beat me to singing Happy Birthday to her. Found her singing Happy Birthday older sister (by 7 minutes I'm the oldest) on my answering machine when I came home from taking Phil to the school busstop, a couple of miles from my house. So must have just missed her phone call.
So I called her but she was finishing up her shift, she is a nurse also. We live about a 100 miles apart.

I opened the present that my friend Angie mailed to me. A poem book and plaque and a check for the subscription for consumer magazine offer I gave her as a hint what I wanted for my birthday. But the funny thing is she was given the subscriber card to mail in and I don't have the address or offer thingie to mail in. So probably won't get it now. I tried finding the address on the web but couldn't find it. You can subscribe online but get online access and I wanted the magazine. I find I spend less than an hr on Ladies Home Journal and that subscription I will never re-new. But go to the library and get lost in the consumer report but I don't have enough time to read it there.

Every year Angie gets me something for my birthday and I thought a $20 subscription to consumer report would be something I'd actually use/read. But instead of mailing in the offer card I sent her as a hint, along with a post-em stickie thing, hinting this would make a great birthday present. May go to the library and see if they have the address for the subscription department.

Going to meet Steve for lunch at a pizza place, but I made it clear that this is my treat. He and I are friends and we take each other out for lunch every couple months and last time he paid and so this is my turn, even if it is my birthday. I know that sounds petty but he is collecting unemployment and would prefer to pay.

And my son kissed my cheek and wished me a Happy Birthday, which is a shock. I know he doesn't have a gift for me but I'll settle for a kiss.

If anyone knows how to get rid of a mole, let me know. I have the track marks along my driveway and am sick. Lived here 15 years and this is the first time I had such a problem.

Gotta scoot, really need more sleep. Had something like 17 hr sleep since Friday. It's raining here and good sleeping weather.

Donna

Hello Donna,

I had no idea that you had a twin! And she too is a nurse? Very interesting! Are you identical or paternal twins? I once knew a pair of twins that were so far different from each other, they didn't look as though they belonged to the same family........LOL. That was how my Mother explained to me what paternal twins were. I never forgot.

It sounds like you had a fairly nice birthday. Spent in good company, and a kiss from your son yet. That's a bonus, right? I hope luncheon was tasty as well.

I once heard that pouring moth balls down the mole holes would get rid of them, but I am not positive. Maybe you can do a search on Google and find some good advice on irradicating them. Good luck to you. We live on a farm, and they come with the territory. Moles, voles, rabbits and groundhogs. Like it or not, they are everywhere.

I hope the week is going well for you. Take care now.

Hugs,
Sandie

It was a pleasant birthday and my son got me a DVD Schlinder's List. I always wanted to see this movie but it was so sad, thinking of donating it to the library. I ran nonstop till 7:50 pm yesterday and still have some running this morning. Will need to sleep more before going to work.

I dread returning to work. I have worked a certain way for years and my head nurse feels others I work with is put down by my mannerisms. I prefer to have hands on approach but she wants me to delegate these task and be available to help them if they request my help. She states the nursing assistants take care of the pt. adequately prior to me coming on shift and I rock the boat by asking them to give more cares.

I work there 2 days a week and can handle whatever. But the sense of having to sensitive to my nursing assistants feelings over giving pt cares seems stupid. But I will try delegation and not hands on care.

Gotta scoot, I have to make calls and run over town to get to a point where I can lie down and nap.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I don't fully understand why you can work with the patients yourself, but if it's only 2 days a week, and they are not wanting for anything, then I guess it's best if you do delegate and let the others care for them. But I would keep a good eye on them. And the first time they slip up, give them the riot act! They deserve a good dressing down if they are going to complain because you want the patients to come first and receive good care.

Glad you had a pleasant birthday. Like Christmas and Easter, birthday's get old as we get older. I don't mind being my age, but I would rather not have it rubbed in........LOL

Hope you have a great weekend. Take care and keep safe.

Hugs,
Sandie

I just don't know how to keep my hands off my patients. I see a need and I take care of it while I"m there and not delegate it. I find it odd that the nursing assistants I don't usually work with me thank me for helping them with turns and the ones that have been here for awhile resent it.

Got lots to do and don't have time to stay online.

Donna

I so understand what you are saying. If you are right there and the patient needs something, and you are perfectly able to give it immediately, why would you even want to wait for an assistant and delegate the work to them. It is just natural to simply do it yourself and get it done right then and there. And why should the patient have to wait as well?

Someone at your place of work isn't thinking any too clearly, in my humble opinion. How foolish and inconsiderate to make the patient wait if you are right there.

Anyway, how's it going otherwise? Getting some sunshine and fresh air lately?? I sure hope so. It's been really nice here the past few days. Lots of sun, fresh air, and nice warm temperatures. Hope you are getting to enjoy a little of the same.

Hugs,
Sandie

Biked 11 miles and ran my tail off----can't see it anymore. I know I will worry once Phil gets his license but this constant run is wearing. Need to get to bed.

Sandie, I anger my head nurse at least once a year so this too will die down. And what can she really do so long as the patients are happy.

I spent too much energy worrying over the meeting with her and then fretting on how to teamwork with my co-workers without stepping on toes. Skip it, give good care and let the dice roll.

Later.

Donna

Good for you Donna,

For the biking, and for the "Skip it, give good care and let the dice roll." attitude. I agree with you 100%.

It happens to all of us, as we travel through life. Some things we must face, like it or not. So I guess that is when you tuck, drop, and roll with the flow, then move on and leave it behind. A new lesson learned to be prepared for the next time.

I won't tell you not to worry about Phil after he gets his license. That would be a waste of my energy..........haha. As a Mother myself, how could you not worry. But as time goes on, we do adjust, and eventually the worrying does slow down, even if it never completely stops.

I'll be away for the next 4 days. Just so you know. I hope you have a great weekend. Take care, have fun and keep safe.

Hugs,
Sandie

No time to journal, raining and Phil at school.

I biked over 15 miles yesterday.

Will try to get back online later.

Donna

Can't sleep tonight and so thought I'd try and journal some of my anxiety. Phil never got a porm date and the tickets will go unused. Not upset over the money or anything, just saddened for I know how much he wanted to go. He went to visit a University and it wasn't a good experience---besides the long road trip and delays, missing a couple of exams scheduled for in his classes that he has to make up, he says he didn't understand much of what was being said. Makes me think I do too much for him. That he can't take responsibility for independent action. I keep asking God to guide him into a career choice.

This free floating anxiety has this stamp of FAILURE written all over me. I know it is irrational and yet, all I could think of in bed was the things I fail to get done this week before returning to work. I know this is common for me to be a compulsive person and to be all or nothing, it is hard for me to acknowledge the stuff I do get done. To give myself credit.

I want to eat. I want to binge and not feel this feeling of not being enough. Food isn't going to change the conversation going on in my head. The self talk, that is beating me up tonight and keeping me awake.

I didn't eat bad today and actually was okay. Got some housework done. But all I see and feel is what I didn't get to. Only my shortcomings. My son winked at me, just before going to bed and it lifted my spirits momentarily but right now I feel consumed with anxiety over what he is going to major in in college, and how am I going to pay for it all.

He just isn't focussed on school/career/college. Instead he is focus on body image and looking good and maybe getting a girlfriend. I don't think he has a specific person in mind, but he is consumed by how he looks and so on. I see in him this low self esteem regarding body image and don't know how to fix it. Then I go back to looking at my bills and how to fix it so I can pay for college. Geeze, Donna, give it a rest.

I am so blessed. There was a child who was killed by lightning while walking to the busstop. A freak accident but all I can think of is how is that mother coping. How can she make sense of it all. I've prayed for God's support and yet, my heart cries for her.

No one is promised today, and it is too precious to worry needlessly over like this. I have many blessings and I let myself get weighted down by this anxiety. I should use this time to look up articles I am always wanting to read. Not wallowing in compulsive thoughts of would have, could have, should have.

Think I will try my bed again. Been almost an hr.

Donna

Have a great weekend.

I

Phillip went to the prom and I got off work to take him to buy a tux and to see him get ready. It will always be a memory for me seeing him all decked out and this look of expectancy/anticipation on his face. I was thrilled to get off. We bought the tux 20min before the prom started and he was so glad he didn't go as he first thought he would, in church clothes. He danced with someone all night who wore glitter. Was going to the after prom party but the gal got a call asking her to work day shift the next morning and they called it off. He was wiped out and went to bed.

I was thrilled he had a good time and was teased and took it well. He looked so grown up and I was so proud.

He's so moody today. But took him and my nephew out to DENNEY'S to eat as a treat since he didn't get to spend the night out in some after prom party. I really am blessed.

We went to a movie together today and he didn't like it. I was okay with it. Got roast in the crock and am tired, having only 5 hr sleep. Wanting a puppy and so spent too much online time looking at different breeds.

Gotta scoot. Got a touch of headache and maybe from lack of sleep or just being online too long.

Donna

Cold here today and wanted to get some work done on the flower beds. Bought some perennials plants and need to get some mulch. Bought Angie a couple of large plants for her birthday in August. Don't want to wait till August to get her some plants.

Headed for gym this afternoon. Wish this tennis elbow would just go away.

It is such an irritation.

Donna

Morning

Got a puppy last night, or at least put a down some money to hold the pup till this evening. Phillip picked a red long hair daschund, whereas I like the other 2 esp. the dark brown one. But it's for him, since he misses his shar pei I had to destroy after biting a neighbor. He is excited over obtaining a brother, whom he has named Toby. I suggested the name cause the little red pup was spunky like Toby McGuire character in Seabiscuit.

I am anxious over having another pup, since the last one was so sick as a pup and then so anti-social as an adult. She has no guarantee on health and it needs all shots and being wormed etc. But my son had that warm smile that melts my heart as he knelt down next to those pups. He wanted a female pup but that fiesty little red pup ran over to his out stretched hand and his heart was taken. So he will have a new brother, and I will have a new bundle of bills that comes with owning with a new pup. Got to get a couple of baby toys for him.

Plan to work on the flower beds tonight. Want to get pic of Phil in his tux this evening before going to his interview. He interviews with the aquatic center and hopefully have full time work for the summer or 2 part time jobs giving him full time pay. He never has had a job so it will be a wake up call for him to have money coming in but bills waiting for him to pay with car insurance. I have been paying for a car for him, but told him expect him to pay 1/2 of the insurance, which is pricey. I will pay the first 6 months in full because he isn't working. I dread him driving but can't keep him safe forever.

Better scoot,

Donna

Hi Donna,

Congratulations on the new puppy. I grew up with a dachshund. Little bugger would hide under cabinets, and then rush out and nip us on the heels as we walked by, but boy did he enjoy going for rides in the wagon. He would jump right in, and we could pull him around forever. That was the problem. He would refuse to get out when we were finished. He didn't care, he liked going for free rides....hahahaha

At least it's a small dog. So it will be cosy and most likely more friendly and snuggable. My Lizette might run me and herself ragged all day, but she loves to cuddle too.

It does get a little pricey having a puppy because of the immunizations and neutering etc. But once it is all done with, then it's fairly smooth sailing for the most part. But make sure you have the little bugger neutered. Otherwise you have no idea what expenses he could cause you in the future if not done.

Hope everything else is going well for you. Take care now.

Hugs,
Sandie

Well, Toby is ruling the roost right now. Waking around 3 a.m. to go potty. He cries and wants to go out and then wants to eat and play for about an hr and back to sleep. So am kinda short tempered with the early morning rousing. Got his first shots yesterday and the vet talked of neutering. He weighs 3 lb right now. She talked of him wanting to mark his territory but haven't had a male inside dog ever. Phillip is more estatic over the puppy's past owner teenage daughter Brooke. I am tickled for she called him to invite him to church. Issue is she is only 13 and Phil is 17 and though he is shy and wonders why they just can't hang out. I know little girls can get terrible crushes and feel it's love. I would say NO if I was her mom. But I had Phil call her mom and tell her about the invitation to church and ask her mom permission to talk to Brooke. Initially she said no, but then reconsidered it. No dates but thinks they could hang out. Brooke has a 8 yr old brother and so thought they could go to the park and feed the ducks all three of them, maybe rollerblade. It would be nice for Phil if he had a girl buddy for the summer. But I kinda keep his head clear about this friendship. It doesn't help that this 13 yr is developed early and very cute. But she is sorta like his cousin Sarah and yet I know that she isn't safe like Sarah, nor is he. I keep telling him being friends is fine but she is too young to be his girl. I know he listens to me for he called her mom and asked permission openly to just talk to Brooke. I told him he will only gain her respect by addressing her and acknowledging that Brooke was still just a little girl. I think it's his open seeking her permission that swayed the mom to let him talk to Brooke. If nothing else it was great for my son's ego to have a girl calling him. He is so shy at school and I understand how he's attracted to her but felt she was too young and then for her to call him. I know it's sorta playing with fire and so have been thinking of things he can do with her and her little brother. And I am always there to remind him of her age. We talked yesterday of how young she is and how some teen girls think it's love and how easy it would be to hurt her. I know in my heart that my son has never had a girlfriend and he is lonely tand has lots of feelings to share and I just want him to stay REALISTIC. Actually I kinda wish her mom had left it NO. But she plans to meet him at church next Wed.

Today is packed full and I don't have time to be online. Phil is at the airport for aviation class and I pick him up in half hr. Then drive him to school. Then 4 hr later go back to school to pick him up and take him to take his driver license test. Then to the gym for his workout and then to an interview at 5:20 pm. So I have a 4 hr window to try and get things done.

Toby is crying so probably time to go outside.

Gotta scoot,

Donna

No time to be online with this pup and my son. He got his license and a job. And he saw this 13 yr old tonight at church. I wish her mom would just say no. I keep telling him she can't be his girl. She can be a friend. Don't know if I'm getting thru.

Can't sleep tonight and so peeked in but am heavy lidded and so may try to go to bed.

Donna

Hi Donna,

So Phil is now working and driving? My goodness, what a change that must be for you. But it is part of the growing up process. As long as he is careful and uses common sense, he should be just fine. Try not to worry overmuch. I know I couldn't tell you not to worry at all. That would be impossible to do. But you also can't afford to stress about him being out too much or your own health will suffer for it.

I personally don't see any wrong in Phil seeing this girl when it is always in a public place. What could be more safe than in church? I understand your concerns, and they are reasonable concerns. But until he gives you some reason to think that he is not trustworthy when with this young lady, you should allow him some respect and some room. I always told my children that as long as they did as they knew was right, they would have my trust and respect. But once they broke either, they would have to work hard to prove they deserved to receive it from me again. So for right now, try and breath a bit easier and trust in the way you have taught him and guided him all these years to continue to show him the correct way to behave. He just might surprise you, ya know? Not all boys are out for mischief.

I'm sorry that you are so exhausted and worn out. I think you must be overdue for a good vacation. Meanwhile, enjoy your pup and try and get some decent rest.

:hug:

Well, Phil and I talked about the little girl and he seems grounded in one sentence and then head in cloud in his next statement. Awe, first love, crush etc. It's draining.

We argue over the driving, the job and I am tired. I love this kiddo but I see a bigger picture than him.

Gotta scoot.

Donna

Phil is driving to and from school and to and from interviews and orientations and so I am free to CLEAN. Going to tackle the upstairs today. Ate some TOTAL cereal and got coffee. Phil left his shoes at my sister's house and need to look for his new ones under the bed.

Toby hates his collar. It is a nylon collar, lightweight but you would think I put the weight of the world on his neck. He is already ruined thinking everyone loves him and wants to hold him. He got a swat for doing his business in my house after I just took him out. The housebreaking is a work in progress, with me doing the most work.

Got a touch of a headache and think it's the humidity.

That and allergies to tree and mold.

Well, Phil is working on Memorial weekend at Colgate waterpark and know it is going to anger the other 2 pools he is hired at. I told him he needs to explain to the different bosses that he needs to work full time and until he gets full time hours he will slot them in his week and it's a first come first serve basis. They have to know he needs the hours and that if they want his time they have to be able to give him the hours. I didn't want him to be hired in 3 jobs but this not committing to hours is ridiculous. He substitutes at the Colgate, and NA said they'd give him 20 hr. whereas, Jeff says he will work based on his performance. So he will have to schedule and juggle all 3 till one of them gives him full time work.

I have to now work on how I am going to the gym. I know he doesn't want to take me. He says I am a miserable passenger. But the gas card I got him from the WALMART superstore has $60 on it and then he is on his own for gas. He killed me that he wanted me to keep him in gas and wouldn't charge me for yardwork. Well, I know he can burn gas running to my sister's and then he will never learn to ration his gas to what he has in his pocket. It will cost more $30 to fill his tank and he needs to learn that if he goes to my sister's it will cost $20 in gas and that is almost 4 hr of work-----is it worth it to him? Right now having his license 1 week all he wants to do is drive.

would love to have yardwork done but with his 3 jobs I don't see him being home much.

Gotta scoot.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I think most teens want to drive hours on end once they finally get their license. But in a while that will slow down too. Especially when he has to work to put the gas in the tank. That was where my poor deceased sister made a mistake with her son. She gave him the money for the gas all the time, payed for all the repairs to the car that she bought him. Even when she paid extra for "embellishments" that he later discarded, she would continue to fork over the cash for everything he demanded. Now he is almost 21 years old, and still asking his Father now for gas, or money to repair his vehichle, and he has 2 vehichles now also. Lorna gave him her car before she passed away. Yes, he finally got a job, but he is blowing the money on frivolities, and still expecting his Father to fork over for the necessities. He is starting to be told "NO" finally, and he doesn't like it one bit. You are very wise to not hand over everything to Phil. He will be far more responsible as an adult when he learns to respect the money he earns and what it will buy for him or not.

I am sure that it must be very hard on Phil, trying to juggle 3 jobs, but I also know that he learned that work ethic from his hard working, long-suffering Mother. And I'm sure you are very proud of him for that, as you should be. Give him time, and I'm sure he will get the 3 jobs straightened out too.

I just spent 2 hours out in my flower garden again. Of course, weeding for one thing. But I also had over 50 bulbs of various variety to plant. Some iron cross Oxalyis, Giant Canna lillies, Dahlias, large and dwarf; Gladiolis,Giant Siam Tulip (which is not really a tulip), and some other plant I never heard of, so I can't remember. I still have a couple of begonias to plant, but I'm going to pot them. I'm now trying to decide if I want to bother getting some annuals to fill in the larger open areas, or just leave them be for now. I still have 20 rose bushes thriving in my garden. But I will be honest with you. The best roses are the miniatures. It seems nothing can kill them, and you can get them so cheap at any K-Mart or any place that sells garden plants. I have climbing roses, tea roses, cascading roses and miniatures. And of all of them, the miniatures are the ones that thrive the best. They have been coming back every year now for 15 years. Considering how inexpensive they are, you definitely get your money's worth where they are concerned.

I have one very special tea rose. It's called "Double Delight" and it blooms the entire summer long. Of all the teas I have bought over the years, this is the one that has thrived the best in our cold climate here. The blooms are quite large, about 4" across. They are bright red with light yellow toward the center of each petal, and they are also one of the most fragrant roses you can find. If you have any room for a rose plant, definitely look into this one. It's a sub-zero rose and I'm sure you would really enjoy it.

You have a great week now and take care.

:hug:

Sandielynne, haven't been online in so long that I don't know where your journal is. I read your post in pengii 's journal but didn't see yours. Been lost in puppy potty training and my son's new career as lifeguard. Got sunglasses and swim trunks and he has lost his goggles so he will need to replace them, for I bought the first pair for $8 or $9 and am not his store. He needs to accept responsibility.

Took off this weekend in case Phillip didn't pass his driver's exam and oddly the pool directors don't have a schedule up for this week. He is working 3 days as far as I know and if that is the case I may have him apply for another lifeguard job with a private pool.
He needs to work full time and pay for his insurance. But I can't make them give him hours. I supplied brownies for the pool party at one place and they were a hit but the pool director has not scheduled Phil for any time this week so far. The brownies were a hit but this attitude of telling you at the last moment when you're scheduled really stinks.

Headed to work on my kitchen. My house just looks as if I was hit by a storm. But my heart hurts for those who were hit by the storms and lost their homes. It looks from the pics as if it was a new subdivision.

Need to get back to the gym. Without Phil needing me to drive him there I have all kinds of excuses not to get there. Not making my health a priority. Toby is working on a pig ear strip I gave him for a treat. It is thundering outside.

Got one credit card paid off and am feeling I have made inroads on becoming financially stable. Haven't paid property taxes but then they are reassessing our lands and it wasn't issued yet. I have a dread of not having a handle on everything.

Better scoot. No one will wade thru my kitchen but me.

Donna

Hello Donna,

No problem if you couldn't find my journal. I have found yours. I've can't remember, but I think I may have forgotten to post in my journal the past day or so, and it's probably been shoved to the end of the line because of it. No biggie.

Yes, house training a puppy can take up a lot of time and cause must frustration as well. But consistancy is the main thing, and then it lasts a lifetime. So you stick with it friend, and I'm sure Toby will catch on soon. Just a little maturity is needed during the training period. Most dogs are fairly intelligent and catch on pretty quick. But some breeds do tend to have a few more "accidents" than others for a good while.

You know, having gotten your credit card paid off is a wonderful accomplishment. Some never manage to do that, instead they fall even deeper in debt. You have done very well to accomplish such a feat. I know you had to have worked very hard for it.

I will be crossing my fingers that Phil is able to get enough work to hold up his end of the responsibilities that driving entails, like insurance, gas, and general upkeep of the vehicle. It will be a very good lesson for him in learning to be responsible and learning better ways of managing funds too.

Have you been able to get any gardening done in your spare time? Or don't you enjoy doing things like that? I know it's not for everyone. I'm a fuss about it, but I grew up with plants and growing things because my Father's livihood depended on it. I learned a lot and also learned to love helping and watching things grow myself. I just planted a new flower bed today. Tomorrow I will get some mulch for it so the plants are better able to hold in moisture and it will also help to keep the weeds at bay a little better.

Do you have any plans for the Memorial Day holiday? Lew is at a pony-pulling event today. Took his grandson with him. And tomorrow he is planning on going to a horse-pulling event. So I am spending the time here alone. I think tomorrow I just might do a little shopping. Need to get some corn seed to fill the empty spots in the veggie garden. But I don't have any other plans for the holiday weekend. I rather like the time alone personally.

Well, I do hope your weekend is a good one for you, Phil and Toby. Enjoy.

:hug:

Well, am clearing the kitchen or so is the resolve. I plan to take rotten puppy boy out for a walk afterward. I hate housework and am rotten at it. But am going to resolve to have a go at the kitchen. And 6 p.m. a walk for the spoiled Toby. Odd how much I love this pup. I pick him up and rock him for a short while daily and my son has taken to putting him in my bed in the middle of the night ----he cries to go out and do his business around 3 a.m. or maybe we're hoodwinkled and he cries to get up and play outside and then sleep with me. He is small enough to share my pillow. Oddly he sleeps around my head in the night but at the daylight prefers to lie at my feet.

Got a roast cooking in the crock. Rump roast. Lean and with some green beans, strawberries and cottage cheese will be a good meal.

Donna

I'm with you there Donna. Hate housework myself. Always have, always will. Could be because I've been doing it since I was barely in school. Mom and Dad didn't believe children should have much idle time because "idle hands made mischeif." So I was started with doing the dishes and sweeping the kitchen floor every evening when I was 8 years old. And by the time I was 14 I had the entire home to keep after, dinner to prepare every evening, and dishes to keep after. It did teach me something. That there is a lot more to life than housework.

Awww, that sounds adorable, Toby sleeping so close to you during the night. Dudley seems to prefer the floor under the bed, Emily beside the bed, but Lizette will scootch up between Lew and I (where it's snug and cosey) her head right about our shoulder, and that is where she sleeps for the night. She doesn't do mornings either. She prefers sleeping in until about 10 am..........talk about spoiled?

Hope your plans worked out ok in the kitchen. Dinner sure sounds good. Did you enjoy your weekend for the most part? I hope so.

Got to run, State Farm says they didn't get the payment I made on 5/28/04 and sent it electronically and not sure where it went to. But was for Phil's car insurance of over 400 dollars so they said I need to prove that the payment was sent.

I am still working on that kitchen but made some progress. Guess I just need a larger house. I think I would love a big kitchen or a house where the door opened into a large family room/kitchen combo. For so much of life seems to revolve there.

Had Total cereal and a banana for breakfast and coffee. Oddly am hungry again. I usually skip breakfast but have tried making me eat something before noon. That is why it's odd to have eaten and be hungry at 10:35 a.m. I went to the gym and did a couple of weight machines and 6 miles on the bike. Stopped off at the Child Support division and gave them a copy of correspondence I received. Have an adjustment hearing in San Diego for August 17th. I found out you can petition the supreme court to continue child support till age of 21. So asked her to find out how I go about doing this.

Also stopped at the insurance office and found out that the payment isn't showing up on their records.

So am running with the son, Phil to the health department for his Hepatitis B shot. He is required to have them before going to college and the Parks Dept will pay for them for him except his last shot since he is working as a lifeguard. Need to stop at the library and return a book. And then come home and work on that kitchen again. I need to get rid of some stuff to make room for what I actually use but of course, my mom saved everything and I always feel I might need that someday.

Geeze, that Toby is asleep again, and it's a good thing since we are on the run. Hopefully he won't make too much fuss about being crated while we're gone.

Lunch would like to make up a broccoli salad but know if I start messing in the kitchen I won't get the kitchen started. Just clean up the mess I made.

Scooting,

Donna

Hi Donna,

Ya know, I've never payed a bill on-line, so I don't know how that's done. I have payed for purchases using Pay-Pal, but that's all. There must be some way they can track your payment. I sure hope that everything works out ok and that you get it straightened out with them. Could it be that if they have no record of receiving it, then your bank would have never sent it? I guess that could be possible. And if so, you could just re-send it. Well, I don't know anything about that kind of thing, but such a large amount of funds, I sure hope someone is watching over it carefully.

I have to crate my Pomeranian when I go out for long periods too. He is still not 100% house broken, but that's because others left him go for 8 months without teaching him properly. So now I am trying to correct their mistakes. Frustrating, but he's not really stupid, so I know he'll catch on eventually. At least he always goes right in front of the door. He just doesn't bother to let me know when he is going. I have to watch him every minute, and that's just not possible.

Sounds like you are getting in plenty of good exercise. I bought a new pair of cross trainers today. Have to get out there and walk, walk, walk, walk. Just need the rain to stop for a while.....hahaha

Have a great Thursday
:hug:

Toby just doesn't get it. We take him outside and it's hit or miss whether he goes or not and then ticks me off to see him do his business in the house minutes upon coming inside. I know he is just 11 weeks old but this it's frustrating. Lindsey would just go to the door and scratch and yes, it isn't a pretty site the door woodwork but damage was done before I caught on. Got her to stop scratching but Tobbers is just wanting to play when he goes outside and doesn't think he has any business to do.

Headed for a bath and want to go to the stores today. Want to get some cypress mulch and cover the one flower bed and under the blue spruce. That small blue Hoopla spruce I paid a fortune for is almost to my second floor of my house and the base needs to be covered. Am hoping 6 bags will do.

Printed off the acct and yes, they get to see my balance but not particularly sacred in my eyes, but proves I paid, actually overpaid the insurance. They did not acct for me paying for the bill before adding my son to the policy so should get about $122 back.
I am glad this is pay day. I'm down to just one credit card payment beside my routine Discover card that has my phone bill and internet on it and $105 I just charged on JCPENNEY's for some clothes for Phil. I pay off the Discover card every month and will pay off the PENNEY's the same way. JCPENNEY'S had a big sale and gave an additional 15% off if I used their card. So got 7 pieces of clothing, 4 pants and 3 shorts for that 105, which works out to be about $15 an item. Not bad for brandname clothes Phil was wanting.

So right now I have just the one credit card with a balance and it has 0% APR till the end of the year. I'm not being charged interest. I moved my car payment to this card but have a big car payment to get it made off by the end of the year. But it saved me lots of interest doing this.

Better scoot. Lots of running before I sleep. And go back to work tomorrow. Of course I didn't get as much done as I wanted while off but snuggled next to Toby this morning feeling rich.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I know it's frustrating when you take the puppy out to potty, and he appears to wait until he's in the house to go. And you are probably right. At this early age, he probably does not get it yet. It took me like 6 months to house break Lizette, and Dudley is 9 mos old now, and he is still not house broken. He pulls the same stunt your Toby does, and he could have been outside playing for an hour, and will piddle on the kitchen floor after coming back into the house.

At first I was lenient with him because I thought it might be nerves, being in the new environment, etc. But no longer. Now he is being corrected immediately and put out when he is naughty for a period of time. I have to watch him closely when he eats too. Almost the moment he is done, he has to have a bowel movement, and if I don't get him outside, he won't even try and tell me, he just circles and goes right on the floor. So now I make sure to keep a close eye on him and take him out the moment he is finished eating. Some dogs just tend to take longer to house train than others. My old dog Emily was very young and a quick learner. But these two smaller dogs have both been slow in that area. Funny too because my Lizette is sharp as a tack about everything, but I worried when she was younger if she was EVER going to learn where to potty.......hahaha.

Hope by now you got everything straightened out and settled with the electric transfer etc. You have certainly made me think twice about even considering to pay bills that way. I think I will continue to use snail mail for a while longer.

They are calling for another blasting day of rain, rain, and more rain for tomorrow. But I hope that you have a lovely weekend where you are. Take care.

:hug:

Sandie, I apologize for monopolizing your journal. I just wasn't thinking and probably still don't have my mind in gear.

I hate this dating thing on one hand and on the other am tickled and see humor in my son's excitement. I know it's a phase but he is so ALIVE, feeling special because he is sought after. I just hope it last for awhile. Afraid my son will never love lightly and he thinks this is love. But for now she adds color and music to his day and that is how first love should be. Think this will be known as the SUMMER OF ASHLEY.

I worry more about college. I am planning on calling the school and seeing if I can get some information mailed to me. The school in Hawaii won't post any information, and you must use the website to download admission form etc. I was dumbfounded when they said they don't post admission application or information on their different programs. Could create a residency in Hawaii, for I'm sure a 15 yr RN could find a job there but would only save me about $ 4,000 in tuition per year. So for that $12,000 for the 3 yr would it be worth uprooting and relocating.

Of course Phil doesn't do any of the leg work in researching this physical therapist degree. But I don't know what else to do. But just like a nurse, as a physical therapist he should be always be able to find work. If he want to dual major then I'll help him but he will have an earning capacity to assist himself.

I wish he would go to school locally for the first year. I keep playing with the idea of sending him to Hawaii, to attend the second and third year. I want him to have the world to experience not just books and clinics. I want him to find an independence of me but know I am that safety net beneath him as he soars. Life is too short to live in a fish bowl. And yet there are some people who have the world before them and live a fish bowl life, never venturing to grasp opportunities that take them out of their comfort zone. They never soar. So to live in Hawaii for 2 yr or to live at home and graduate and have a cruise and some significant gift given to him as a graduation present from his college fund. I never looked at his college fund as my money. I just wanted him to have the chance to attend school and not be as indebted as I was.

I am so tired and this scenario keeps playing in my head. I would hate for his life to be ended short ( my nephew who is the same age as my son was killed 4 ago by a hit and run) and I feel this compulsion to fill his days with memories that offer no regret should his life end young. I know it is irrational but my sister-in-law said there is no driver's permit for her son, or first date, or first kiss. My brother doesn't want to see my son since his son was killed---they were 3 months apart in age. It is just now my brother can say his son's name without tears running down his cheek. Oddly I wonder if his son is aware of such a deep love from his father, a reserve gentle giant of a man with weathered leathered hands from hard labor as a landscaper. Up before dawn and home at night. Who never got the chance to take him to Colorado to hike like he promised. Who dreams of him dying at the roadside alone, crying out for his dad. My brother is tormented by these dreams. He doesn't sleep well for 4 yr now. He bought a new home so he doesn't have to drive by the road his son was killed on----it was less than a mile from his home on the main road. He just moved 3 weeks ago.

I didn't realize how much I feel this intense loss and how it makes me look at my son. I don't want to hurt my brother but I would like to send pics of Phil to my brother -----I just can't imagine the hurt. I know he cares but seeing
my son seems to bring back all he has lost.

Geeze, this wasn't what I planned to write. As I wipe the tears off my cheeks and wishing bandaids would make it all better.

Sometimes there just aren't enough bandaids.

In the hospital there is a woman with metasize breast CA and fluid around her heart, she's 34 yr old and her husband squeezes in the bed with her ----for there is no promise of how long they have. Another nurse asked how I allowed this. I told her he wasn't hurting her and I had no problem with it. If she had surgery and there was a possibility of him affecting her care it would be different. But let them have this time. I never noticed him. I saw only this young woman full of pain and her best bud lying next to her. There aren't enough bandaids.

I like my patients----they aren't just a paycheck and protocols. Policy won't keep me from giving compassion to them. Eat me.

Gosh, everyone made this fuss of me having a small child in one room and me giving her the next bed. I never mentioned the toddler. I told the mother her child could not sleep in the chair seat, she might fall, and for the 2 of them to get in the bed next to the patient's (her roommate) since they had no way home at 1:00 a.m. I just marked the bed as dirty and said nothing except to the nursing assistant. The other 2 nurses weren't as agreeable but I am not letting a child possibly get hurt over some policy. I got them warm blankets and darken the room and they slept. The child had an angels smile with eyes full of laughter. So heavy lidded for being up so long. Bite me.

I no longer care. They won't fire me for my transgressions. And anything else I'll live with, my conscience is clear.

Need some coffee ----actually sleep but that won't come. I don't have Toby for Phil has Toby, they are feeding the ducks and walking Toby and eating a picnic lunch. He even cut up fruit for the picnic. He's so sweet on this little girl.

Better scoot.

Donna

My son openly confessed that Ashley is shallow and focus on herself. I told him that I feared she only liked going out with him cause he made her look good. She is so little and Phil so big. The contrast and his good looks make him a real trophy. He says he knows she isn't forever so I told him to enjoy her company until he is no longer happy sharing time with her. At least it's not love, and I'm grateful.

I have to get to bed. Watched the NBA finals and Pistons won. Toby gets his last puppy shot and so I need to get to bed to take him tomorrow morning.

I haven't been to the gym much and need to get back into the habit. With Phillip taking himself I am not forced to go and find excuses all the time.

Toby and Phil played tonight and was so cute to watch. Toby doesn't realize he is only about 6 lb and no competition for my 6'2" boy. When you see them together it is so adorable. Fiesty redhead Toby with his rump up in the air pulling against my son on the rope. He is 12 weeks old now.

I am getting Phillip to volunteer in the physical therapy program here at a local rehab hospital for one---it gives him the opportunity to see if he would be interested in that type of work and for two-----it is part of the requirement for getting into the PTA program. He was resentful today as we went to find out about the volunteering but I explained that he wouldn't be a lifeguard without my intervention. That he doesn't seek out opportunities for himself. That just like sailing, it was me that got him into trying it. That I would love for him to know what he wanted to do, but unless he can state it/claim it, he needs to commit himself to the volunteer program for 40 hr. If he doesn't like it after that we won't apply. I feel that is 8 five hr days at the hospital.
Not so much.

He then thanked me for helping him and getting involved in his life. So odd, the desire for independence but not the gumption to go after it. I also took him to another job place, for this place is opening an indoor pool and if he could get on, he could work during the school year. Again he would never had gone without me actually taking him there. But I know he will enjoy the atmosphere.

Off to bed.

Donna

Think I've got a summer cold and headache that is a killer. Woke at 01:30 am and feeling nauseated. Ate some light ice cream and took some alleve but the headache is severe.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I'm so sorry I haven't visited much lately. I've been so busy, I haven't even been to my own journal yet. We are putting the addition on to the house this week, and I have been preparing meals for the men and it has kept me pretty busy.

Also, the garden required some tending, so yesterday I took care of that. Glad I did. We had a good rain last night, and some this morning too. I got in a good 6 hours in the gardens yesterday, and I am paying for it now. OUCH!! :tomato:

I think you have done great with and for your son. I know he might not appreciate it all right now, but the day will come. My son Barry was my biggest mischief maker when he was in his teens, but today he is here taking control of the building situation, because that is what he does, and Lew and friends know nothing about it. The best part is that he is doing this because he really wanted to help us out. I'm sure that in time Phillip will be much more appreciative and the day will come when it will all pay off richly.

I'm sorry to hear about your cold and illness. I do hope it doesn't stay with you for long. Take care now.

:hug:

Got a new phone for the pup chewed for the cord on the old one. Hard to find corded phones. But kitchen phone doesn't have an electrical outlet to plug in one of those cordless bases. Had to go to circuit city.

Headache has returned and need to take some alleve.

Talked to an attorney and according to him he'll charge me $4000 to get a motion file to continue child support until age 21. He doesn't feel it is likely to go thru without the father wanting to support Phil and that isn't the case.

I am uncertain what to do. Going to call another attorney in a few minutes and see what she says this time.

Donna

Should be in bed and sleeping but took a late nap and now am awake. Rather silly but feeling low. My son showed a card he is sending some little girl he like and it talks of love. I know distance has made his heart grow fonder. He only met her once and he loves her and misses her. He has been going out with the ASHLEY girl and she was great until she exposed all her conceit and shallow behavior focussed on just how cute she is. My son is doubting her being right for him, but he doesn't want to be without someone in his life. He is taking out another girl tomorrow and meeting another on Thurs. But he states his heart is with the Michigan gal. First love/infatuation. Oddly he was thrilled to initially go out with the ASHLEY girl who was so little and pretty. Now he sees that looks aren't all that count. I am sorry to see this look of sadness when he speaks of the MI gal but most of the relationship is played out on phone and email and yahoo msgr and of course, he can't see for himself her faults via those modes.

There is a sweetness to watching him become a man. There is the distancing himself away from me and yet, he asked me if I got the chocolate candy for his date tomorrow. Will have to go out and get it early for him. So much for independence. He said he looked at 2 stores and couldn't find the same chocolate I bought.

Made it to the gym and sorta stuck to a food plan. Yet this feeling of low persist, I ate a single peach late night and found it wasn't food that fixed it. Bought overripe peaches and it was yummy ummy but didn't trigger a binge. Yet if I had some kind of snack food in the house I know I would be going for it. Trying to calm this free floating anxiety----even though I know food isn't the answer.

It's midnight and am headed for bed.

No definite plans for tomorrow. I have a messy house and house breaking an onery pup that thinks outside is just for play. I swatted his backend when he peed on the carpet after I had him outside for half an hour. He ran and played and didn't do his business. Now I think I will put him on his lead so he realizes it isn't play time. After
6 weeks this is getting old.

Donna

Hi Donna,

Sorry the pup is giving you so much grief. But that is the way it goes. My Dudley is still having "accidents," and he is almost 10 mos. old now. Just stick with it. Eventually it will all click. Persistence is the key, and patience too, of course.

It's fun watching our children grow and mature and learn. It's also good to be there for them when the hurting starts. They think they know so much, and then they get hurt, and come to us for wisdom and comfort. We just have to wait until they want us, and then be there. Sort of like an invisable safety net, eh?

I hope you are not overworking yourself. You sound so stressed, and that can't be doing you any good.

Take care now and keep safe.

Sandie, not overworked but am filled with a worry that doesn't reflect what is happening in my life at the moment. I know I am wealthy with a healthy happy son, that loves and trust me. I know that we are close and open and he trust me and my judgment. I have alot. I earn enough to pay bills and only have one outstanding debt in my car payment and a monthy credit card bill that cover the internet and long distant phone bill and I pay that off each month.

I am full of gratitude for the few real friends that love and care for me. I have this strong faith in a loving God. My life is good.

But I worry on the would have, should have and could haves in my life. It is beyond reason. It is like the compulsion with food. I want to eat not to feel this anxiety often.

Or I put off doing things by focussing on food in some way. None of that makes any sense. I bought my 8th down comforter. Geeze, how nuts is that. This one was a twin size FIELDCREST, with micro cover and machine washable and clearanced for $20. The issue is I have 4 or 5 down comforters in the original plastic now and don't need another. But I saw I had a twin duvet and all the other comforters are king size.
So compulsively I bought another. Will make a wonderful gift if I don't use it.

I fell asleep watching the antique roadshow and my son came home from meeting this new gal and her mom at the library and then going out for pizza. He woke me and Toby, my sleeping buddy to tell me he's home and so can't sleep now and it's after 2 a.m. I wanted to get up early to get some work done but looks like another messed up night.

We have plans to spend the 4th of July with my friend Angie and her family and do fireworks at their house. I usually bring a couple of mellons with me and some fireworks, and come early so we can visit.

I know Angie wants me to come to Applebees to eat lunch but I kinda don't want to go----am going to her house on Sunday and really don't want to eat out Wednesday and visit but she just had her in-laws at her house and feel she needs to vent.
I love Angie like a little sister and she knows this.

I better put the clothes in the dryer and try to sleep.

I've got miles to go tomorrow with tasks to get done but will have no energy to get them done at this rate.

Donna

Hi Donna,

My Grandmother had a name for that type of personality. A worry wort, is what she called them. I know because she told me I was one of them. That when I had nothing to worry about, I would worry about that fact. LOL. According to Grandmother, some people are just not happy unless they have something to worry about and fuss over. So I guess I understand what you are saying. But I have tried to mend my ways and think of the what if's, and and wherefor's a lot less of the time now.

I have a tendency to purchase things impulsively too on occasion. But like you said, that lovely comforter will make a wonderful gift as well. So it's not a totally lost cause. Maybe it is therapudic for you in some way. So that must be good, right?

My hubby and I went to Applebee's just the other week. We had one of their grilled chicken salads, and it was really excellent.

I understand that you might not be in the mood at present to listen to your friend vent, but it might be of some benefit to her. So I know you will go, wanting to or not, because you will give to your friend what she would give to yourself. An ear and some good companionship. Something we all need now and then.

Have a great 4th weekend.

The 4th was loads of fun and met the young girl's parents. I felt bad for her. She had to tell them she and Phil were going to go in the house to cool off in the kitchen. There were over 20 people there, most adults but she had to account for her wheresabout at all times. I know they had a great time but felt the weight of distrust of her parents and resented that they felt the need when it came to my son.

He had his first flat while driving them home and didn't realize it until he drove the tire completely flat and ruined the tire. To get another to match this one was $100 and yes, I paid for it. My son took me out for pizza that night. I was not angry. For I knew he didn't know his tire was flat even though he thought the car was riding funny. I thought it odd that this gal's dad didn't realize the rough ride was due to a bad tire.

I haven't been to the gym and have no excuse. Just seems I run all the time and today actually didn't feel well. Slept most of the day. Anyway, going to put the laundry in the dryer and get to bed.

I am still not feeling my best but know my son wants to take his gal out and I have to supervise the date. I really feel bad for both of them. But he knows the rules her father laid out and when it is no longer fun, he can stop seeing this little gal. I feel bad for both of them but esp her.

Donna

Got a worm on this computer and had to dish my harddrive and re-install the application cd and am trying to put in a firewall and can't get it to do it. I got instructions from Office Depot. Firewalls are suppose to help stop worms.

Going to call my nephew and see if he can help me.

Donna

Haven't been online much due to fear of worms and such but my nephew says it's okay now after installing some windows update.

My son had his first car accident and I'm starved. The need to eat. Headed for some homemade soup.

So we are sharing my car but he wasn't hurt and I'm am hugely grateful to God for watching over my son. THe car has a great deal of damage like a sidewiped side and the electric mirror taken off and 2 tires blown.

Don't care so long my son is okay.

Donna

Too beautiful to be in the house or online but have to research some colleges so wanted to drop in and see what is going on. Ate myself sick on watermellon, tis the season.

Phil is at work and got steak on the grill for him

Better go turn them over.

Donna

Phil got sent home with 2 warnings for being found sleeping on the job----he states that the sun just made him drowsy and he knotted off, but that he was cited for sleeping on the job and not watching his assigned area of the pool. At least he wasn't fired but can't sleep for thinking of him being fired----for that is what would have happened to me had I been found nodding at work. Dismissed. I can see how it happens, the sun lulls you into a drowsy state. But I hate the idea of Phil being fired. It is not with intent that he nodded. And it isn't as if he didn't sleep, he said it was slow and he just got sleepy.

Well, headed for bed, drank some tequila mixed drink and am a little buzzed. Does't take much for I don't drink very often.

Donna

Phil got fired from being a volunteer. I am afraid he didn't make a good first impression and that he inadvertently insulted the physical therapist he was assigned to. He really has upset me. I can't make him understand that he needs them to give him the hours ----they don't need him. He can only observe due to the privacy laws. But most of the schools for physical therapy wants up to 40 hr of volunteering/observation in a hospital setting. The hospital he went to this morning is closest to our house and most convenient. I was shocked to hear them tell him that they are too busy to have him shadow someone right now and that maybe this spring or fall he can try again. In essence they are saying get lost.

So will have to try the other hospitals in the area of which there are 2. I tried to explain that these people often don't want to be shadowed and may not be interested in kids. What he did wasn't gross but gave the impression he was bored and didn't want to be there. He is use to moving and being active and just watching I am sure was boring for him and yet this was his opportunity to get the needed hours to apply to many colleges---both nearby and convenient. Lost and am angry over the loss of opportunity.

I feel frustrated over it and guess, upset that he isn't making a good impression. He is such a good kiddo and not into being rude. He just didn't know what would be expected of him and wasn't alway sitting upright looking interested. He stretched out in a folding chair and it gave the appearance of him not watching what was going on.
He was tired of sitting and was bored but he didn't think it was disrespectful. But I can see how the therapist thought he would prefer to sleep rather than watch him, and he went to the volunteer director complaining about this new volunteer suggesting he wasn't interested and even looked like he was sleepy when he was talking to him. Geeze. Not a good match.

This man isn't around kids much but Phil must have offended him to go and complain to the director of volunteers.

I tried to explain to Phil it was more a presception problem vs that he did something offensive or wrong. That he need to apologize that his behavior was taken as disrespectful. He needs to explain that he was restless being sedementary and not quite sure of what he was expected to do, other than observe. He should tell him he didn't have questions to ask needing to find out more of what a therapist does to ask intelligent questions.

I may just write one and have Phillip read it and if he agrees, compose the sentiment in his own words and sent it to the therapist. Not that I suspect it will change anything but that it will make him a better man.

Better get off here.

Donna

Hello Donna,

Thank you so much for visiting my journal, and I sincerely apologize for taking so long to drop in and say hello. I have been running here and there, and when at home keeping very busy with the yard work, and the gardens too. But it is all good for me, I'm sure. Besides, I enjoy eating the fruits of my labor, and seeing the beautiful blooms in my flower beds. With the birds to sing in the background, what more could anyone ask for?

Sorry to read that Phil has been having some rough doings with his job and his volunteer work too. It is very hard for a young person of his age to be sitting about and not actively participating in something. Gee, I would fall off myself if my mind was not stimulated sufficiently enough. Hope he can find a way to keep himself more alert in future. Have him try the old rubber band trick. Put it on his wrist, and when he starts getting drowsy, have him snap it. Who knows? It might help, eh?

Just wanted to stop in for a quick hello. Take care now and chin up my friend. Things will all work out for the best eventually. Do not over stress yourself.

Hugs,
Sandie

Not to worry, but was concerned when I didn't see you in your journal for so long, Sandie. I wrote the CEO of the local hospital Phil volunteered at a long email telling him how I felt firing a 17 yr old volunteer after 1.5 hr of sitting reflects poorly on the hospital. That I hoped the offer to have Phillip back in the fall wasn't a tongue in cheek offer, that health care needs to encourage college bound students to get involved. I also sent it to the supervisor of volunteers. I suspect she felt telling him to get lost was the end of it. What she doesn't know is the determined mom behind this kiddo. He may not want to be a physical therapist but he just feels rebutted at this point for doing nothing wrong in his eyes.

I realize his first impression wasn't great----DUH, but there was no correcting it without an opportunity. One strike you're out. I really find it odd that that was their approach. If there was an issue with this therapist then why not just assign Phil to a different one next time. I understand they have 6-8 physical therapist. My friend Steve wasn't sure how many but states his dad was there at this hospital after hip surgery and there was more than just one for sure, he thought a half dozen.

Anyway I guess they will know how I feel about it and maybe I will be able to let it go. And who knows maybe they will actually call and set up a schedule for Phil to get his hours needed for college application. He needs 40 hr in a hospital setting to meet admission requirement for Jefferson College PTA program.

Otherwise will be going to neighboring hospital about 15-20 minutes away, instead of the 5 minutes it took to get to this one. If we can get in. My hospital only does volunteer programs in the summer and last summer was filled.

Enough, enough. I am stressed thin over the issue. Made strong coffee and am planning on meeting Steve for lunch, he's unemployed and I'm treating. I didn't realize he wasn't getting unemployment till of late. I keep praying for him a job but they are so tight right now. We usually take turns paying for each other. Now that I know, I won't let him use his savings to pay for my lunch.

Gotta scoot,

Donna

Hi Donna,

Thank you so much for your concern. I apologize for giving you cause to worry. I just wasn't thinking well, and too uncomfortable at the time to rectify the matter. I know just a line or two would have been helpful for you and my other friends. I will try not to stay away for so long again, unless I have no choice.

I hope that your letter to the Hospital personnel will be helpful and make it possible for Phil to return and get his hours in needed for his college classes. Personally, I think it's a bit much forcing a person to do such duty just to get into a class. Like you don't already pay a small fortune for the classes themselves, they want your personal sweat and blood too? LOL.

Lunch with a friend sounds like a good idea. Last week I took my three dogs down to Pet Smart for grooming, and Lizette needed clipping too. I normally do this myself, but I have been hurting just too much. I really am not able to do this right now. Especially Lizette. But taking them to Pet Smart is an hour's drive from here, and then I would be in that area for at least 4 hours before the dogs could be picked up again. No sense in driving home during the interim. That would burn gas foolishly. So Kate went with me (my best friend) and we did a little shopping and had lunch together. We went to Ruby Tuesday. They have a fantastic menu of low carb meals. I had Cajun seasoned Talapia with steamed broccoli and seasoned mashed cauliflower. The meal was fantastic!! Good for my diet as well.......haha

Hope you have a nice lunch and visit with your friend. Take care and thanks so much for caring.

Hindsight is always better than initial outrage. There has been no response to my email so think it did not go over well. Now my son says I am to let him choose----that he doesn't want to be a physical therapist (of course who would want to if you got fired from volunteering) and that he has no ambition because I do everything for him. Geeze!

I am tired, and stressed and we have the most beautiful weather right now but all I see in my mind is a LOST CHILD, wandering around without a clue and no directions available.
I know what a drama queen. But my concern/worry robs me of joy of today. I keep telling myself to quit worrying but here I am feeling knots in my stomach.

Need to get busy for work 12 hr today and have dishes and groceries and etc to do before heading in. Hope to get a nap.

Donna

Hi Donna,

You know, in the long run it will be best to let the boy make his choices. He needs to learn through his own mistakes, just as you did. Besides, if it is not a field he feels a strong desire to be a part of, he will never make a good physical therapist anyway. And then his patients will suffer, and I know you would NOT want that.

I think you should go and have your consultation on that Lasik surgery for yourself. It's long past time you did something for yourself. I hope you can get an appointment soon, and get your eyes corrected, finally. You will feel so much better afterwards.

Where Phil is concerned, try and remember, the role of the parent is to teach and guide and prepare them for life as an adult. Not to be the adult for them. Not to make their choices for them. And not to pay for the mistakes they make either. That is how we all learn, through our mistakes. Sometimes that means we need to make huge blunders, but eventually, those are major building blocks for a stable and mature future. Phil will be just fine. You just need to relax a bit and give him the chance to stumble and fall a few times, and not be there to pick him up. I promise you he will find the way to get up and go on and in the end, make you quite proud of him to boot.

Take care now,
Hugs

Have this weekend off and bagged up 3 huge bags of Phil's clothes he says he won't wear and then bought a plastic storage container to box his larger clothes. He says he won't wear them again. But I know he can't wear his 33 cause he has gained weight and like most of us it's on his waist.

I won't be surprised if he doesn't wear them but I want some time to pass before he gives up everything.

I cleaned the bathroom and pulled a few weeds and took a break watching the OLYPMICS volleyball with USA losing right now, and plan on a cup of coffee before working somemore. Know my son will upject to keeping those clothes. I am tired of the seemingly constant opposition we are having. But think the clothes issue is over as far as this year and clothes.

Better scoot.

Donna

Phil had his second car accident and was fired from his after school job and the guy involved in the car accident is claiming injury after getting the accident report and seeing I had good insurance. He has turned in Xrays. Really is fraud, he said he was going to go get him some easy money. Just too much stress. Phil broke up with his girlfriend and I still can't get my act together. Eating and stressing.

Food isn't fixing my anxiety. Just like it never has kept me company when I'm lonely or bored. Guess to say I'm not coping well would be an understatement.

Headed for bed.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I'm not here very much myself these days. Having a hard time just sitting at the PC for any length of time. Getting my e-mail and running, for the most part.

I'm really sorry to hear about Phil's auto accident and lost job, but thankfully he is alive and safe. Personally, I don't believe a young man is ready to be behind the wheel of a moterized vehichle at the age of 16. Even at 18 they are quite often too irresponsible to make rash and reasonable decisions when it comes to driving. I went through a similar situation myself.

When my firstborn (son) was old enough to know that he would soon be able to get a driver's license, he began pestering me about it. So when the time came, I allowed him to get his permit. I should have known from the beginning it was a mistake. He all but totalled my car right in the driveway because he totally disregarded my instructions. He went and backed the car over a downed log, tearing out the entire exhaust system and brakes system. It was a wonder he wasn't injured himself. Still he was adamant about getting his license.

Once he received his license, he went about totalling every vehichle he managed to get behind the wheel of. His and overone else's. More than once he had very close calls with mortality. It's a wonder he is still alive considering all of the accidents he was involved in, and some that were horribly close to fatal.

The younger boy, and my daughter, on the other hand, were never in any hurry to drive. Eventually they did get their licenses, but they have neither one been involved in any accident or been charged with reckless driving at any time either. I think that may be because they both waited until they were more matured and responsible in their thinking when they finally did qualify for and obtain their driving priveledges.

I hope you son will make good use of this time off from driving to think long and hard about the responsibilty he holds when sitting behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. And I hope he reflects on his good fortune to have been spared any serious injury or worse as well.

I know and understand all too well the stress this is putting on you. I wish I had some very wise words of wisdom that I could pass on to you that would help you to cope, but alas, I do not. Each of us have to deal with these situations the best we can, and just hope that we make the right choices day to day. Our sons may have suffered some similar problems, but I am sure they are alike in no other way, so anything I may have tried or done successfully would not necessarilly work well for you and Phil. But I'm sure that eventually you will both survive these days of stress and turmoil and both will be the stronger for it in the end.

Take care,

Haven't been online much lately, Phillip is driving is a wreck. I can't afford to fix it yet. I still owe almost $3000 on this car. We won't have owned the car but 1.5 yr. I know he is aware I can't take much more stress. But have panic attacks when he is late from his errands ----like he is dead on the road somewhere. I have been in tears with worry.

The child support hearing I finally found out that they asked for a continuance from the court. The next hearing is in November. I started this process in November 2003 and it seems poorly handled that it is going to be close to a year before a decision is made. The first time in 17 yr I went for an increase in child support and by the time they make a decision I will not receive child support past June 2005 when Phil graduates high school. I am so frustrated.

Got out of the habit of exercising and am not making a food plan like before. I find myself obscessing and know I am not doing what I need to be doing for health. I have to get myself back into the gym.

Donna

I am so upset with my teen son----wrote a check for the gym membership and it has vanished. My son went to the gym Thur, Sat, and Sun and states he never took the check to the gym to pay. But I can't find it now. So going to call before I write another check to make sure he didn't pay and not remember. He says he never took the check and I left it on the computer keyboard. No, my son wouldn't steal from me. But he is careless. Just have no idea what happened to that check. Since I worked the weekend , no one was in this weekend other than my nephew who yelled in by the door. I wonder if it fell on the floor and that 5 month old pup didn't shred it. He is a chewing machine and loves to shred any little piece of paper and that would have been right down his alley to shred. I am always bending over and scooping up chewed up paper and stuffing from his toys----he loves to pull out that white stuffing.

Better go and get a shower and get busy. I won't leave him another check but it was due on that Thurs when I wrote the check. I didn't want him not to be able to workout cause he hadn't paid.

Donna

Had lunch with Angie and got home all sleepy.

Going to take a nap.

Only wrote in here so as not to lose my location.

Donna

Had eye surgery and can't see up close until my left eye is operated on next Tues. I get a headache and nausea trying to read up close but wanted to maintain my location.

Donna

Had my eyes done---and not sure if this is worth it. I am told that I have to reteach my brain to read at a distance and to re-learn my brain that I am seeing okay. But the feeling of needing to put my reading glasses on is overwhelming though I really can see this if I back up enough. They said I have to get use to it. I feel like I'm straining all the time but it's only 2 days post surgery in left eye.

Got me some granny reading glasses and know my son will make fun of me but I have to go back to work and I am concern about seeing up close.

Got to get busy on the house. I am overwhelmed at the idea of returning to work with my eyes so different.

Donna

Saw the eye doc yesterday and he is still a jerk. Will see me again to give me a prescription for glasses to read. So much for corrective surgery. You have to sign a paper stating you realize this may not get you out of glasses and yet I am glad not to have to wear glasses all the time but get headaches when trying to read ----not as bad as at first but feel an anger reguarding the treatment I got from the eye doctor. He minimized the side effects and Every time I see him I think *****hole ----I am very upset over the poo poohing my concerns and minimizing anything I said as if it was of no significance.

Got hooked into cooking for Melissa 's last day at work. I really don't work with her much and everyone is bringing chips and dips but I was asked to bring an entree. So I am going to bring a pork loin bbq. Never done one before but have it cooking in a crockpot and will shred it and bbq it after it cooks----seasoned it with a bbq rub but don't like meat enough to taste it.

I have sent Phil's father many pics of his son. He has never seen him since infancy at his preference. He lives 2 thousand miles away in CA. But we found out that Phil has either brothers or sisters or one of each and he is very curious and wants to meet his father. I realize this may anger him for he has never bonded with Phil but am hoping he sees himself in those pic and as a father realize it is normal for a child to want to meet him.

Fat chance. I forget what a jerk his father can be. I don't want to hurt either of them---but his father should be mature enough to meet his son and maybe fulfill that need to know where he started from.

Donna

Veteran Day

I find it hard to watch the TV news and see the troops in Iraq. Keep them in my prayers.

Phil's father called when I was outside and Phil was told that he wishes him a good life but doesn't want to meet him----that his sibling don't know about him and that is how he wants to keep it. And if I keep sending pics he will put a restraining order on me. Phillip said he made it sound like he was just an accident. And perhaps in his father's eyes he is.

His face was all reddened as he told me about the conversation and my heart hurt for him. We may be warring over him not filling out scholarships but I know how important this way to my son.

I can't keep all hurt away. I still don't know about the increase in child support. I will call CA tomorrow and see if they can tell me something.

Happy Veteran Day.

Donna

It's rough on a kid when their parents aren't together. I have two kids, and they have an absent mom. Until just recently, she never took any interest in their upbringing. Now, she is starting to correspond with them. Probably because they are almost grown up, and she wouldn't have the responsibility of parenting them. I can feel for your son. Good luck with the child support hearing.



Veteran Day

I find it hard to watch the TV news and see the troops in Iraq. Keep them in my prayers.

Phil's father called when I was outside and Phil was told that he wishes him a good life but doesn't want to meet him----that his sibling don't know about him and that is how he wants to keep it. And if I keep sending