Welcome to my new HEALING journal.

I am staring this journal so I can talk (or type) out my thoughts, feelings and fears about my past. I believe our past is in the past and can't be changed. We can however accept it and learn from it, or bury it and relive it over and over without even realizing it.

I am choosing to explore who I was and therefore, who I am now. I am hoping to discover why I over eat. As they say, it's not what you eat, but what's eating you.

I welcome you to read this journal and hope it encourages you to examin who you are and why.


Darlene

:bfly:

Hi Darlene,

You sure are braver than I am. I don't think I could "let it all hang out" so to speak. But who knows. Maybe I will learn reading this and if I can, maybe I will share too. Never say never, I hear.

Good luck to you. I hope it works for you and I hope it becomes a great help to you in understanding yourself better and why you do some of the things you do.

:hug:
Sandie

First of all, I'll bore you with the details of my youth.

I was raised in a small town in southern Ontario. My father was a auto worker and my mother stayed home and babysat other children. I have one brother who is two years younger than me.

My mother was a typical mother. She was a nag. She also was there to listen and hug us when we needed it.
My father however, was cold and didn't show his love. He was there to discipline us.

My problem with food began when I was about 7. Or at least that's when the weight started to show. I remember my grand mother telling me I should diet and we would go to weight watchers together. I was called "The Big Darlene" That always hurt me, but it was kinda like that mystery itch, you know it's itchy, but you can't scatch it. That's how I felt. I was hurt, but not sure how.

My mom and granmother began making me clothes because I was bigger than the other girls. Those clothes were God awfull.

At school, I was the quiet kid. I hung around with the other rejected kids. The nerd, the really tall girl, and the other fat girl.
I was made fun of because of my weight. Picked last on teams. I hated sports. I never learned how to play them so when it came time to do them at school, I would make up excuses not to play. That was another good excuse to not have to be in the picking lineup. I hated the feeling of being last and unwanted. I would go so far as to go to the Dr. and have a note written how "due to my poor heath" I would be unable to attend PE.

I would come home from school and (after snacking) got and hide till dinner, in my room. I hated being around my dad. I would be forced to eat everything on my plate and I never got to say what or how much went on it. They would heap it on and then expect me to eat it all. And so I did.
I would rush threw my meal so I could leave the table and go back to hiding in my room.
My brother was always so skinny. (I use the word WAS) We grew up as strangers. I went to a french school, he an english. I went to a catholic high school, he went to a trade school. We never once atttended the same school. This made it hard to get to know him. I knew all I needed to know. He was a pest.

At some point in grade school, I started to steal food from our fridge and shelves. I would steal cake mixes and hide them in my room so I could eat the powder and not be found out. I would take the goodies from around the house and sneak eat them. Eat one now, another later. It didn't seem to me like I was eating them all, till it was discovered the whole box of whatever was gone. Usually, there would be no proof as to my guilt, so I wouldn't get in trouble. But there were times when I got caught. That's were my dad stepped in. He seemed to get off on punishing us. You would think since I know his reaction, I would stop stealing and hiding food. Nope, couldn't do it. I felt food was my secret friend. The only one who could comfort me from the pain.
The pain from the kids at school, my pain in the ass brother, my dad, my poor grades, and my shame and guilt due to my weight.

Well, that's enough for one day.

More to come

Darlene :bfly:

As a teen, things didn't get much better.

I was really over weight (about 200lbs) For a teen in highschool, that was heavy. I made friends with some of the rougher kids I figured if I had them for friends, they wouldn't pick on me. I guess it worked. I never was one to get in trouble like they did, in part because we lived in a small town and since it was a catholic school, kids came from all over the county to go there. Most were not from my small town.

I think this is about the first time I thought about suicide. Being a teen is dificult enough but being a fat teen was nearly unbearable. I hated myself. Hated the fact that I couldn't stand up to my father, hated the fact I was a loser and hated myself because I was fat.
Only my best friend understood me. MY FOOD.

I finally left home when I was 16. I still wasn't able to face my dad. I ran away in the middle of the night. I stayed with my grand parents for a year.During that year, I met my first real boyfriend.
I felt loved for the first time. I couldn't believe somebody could be attracted to me.

Things weren't good with my grand parents either. "The Big Darlene" was spending to much time with her boe. I was told he was no good, that I would amount to nothing.
I believed it all deep down. I had always been told that or shown it. I was told I was stupid, and so I was. I was told I was fat, and so I was. I had zero self esteem.

My boyfriend was pissed at how they treated me. My very own champion who loved me even though I was fat.

We moved in together 10 months after meeting.

I am now married to my first boyfriend. I love him very much, but sometimes wonder if I stayed with him because he was th only one who ever payed any attention to me.

At 19, I had my first daughter. I had gained 65 lbs and now weighed 265 lbs. I didn't think to much about my weight. I'd had a baby. The weight never went away.

At 23, I had my son. I gained 45 lbs. I was now at a grand total of 311 lbs. My husband was now concerned and was unhappy about my weight. After a year, the weight was still not coming off, and he threatened to leave me. I tried to lose and did, here and there, but it always came back.

One day, I got Christmas photos back from being developed. I sat and cried for hours because the only pictures of my son's first christmas that turned out, were the ones with me in the pictures. I was sooooooo fat.
So, I decided that was it, I'm losing this weight. And I did. I lost 104 lbs in 10 months. I got down to a size 18. I was at 206 lbs. Six pounds away from the magic 200. I never mad it.
I got pregnant with my last daughter.
I gained 85 lbs back.
Back to 290 lbs I was.
For the past 4 years, I've been playing around with 20-30lbs. And today I'm at 260 lbs.

So, More or less, that's my life story.



Now the hard part.



I want to take different emotions and analyze them. Anger resentment, fear, guilt, there are so many.

I want to go over each one and examin it so I can understand the whys and the whats. Maybe then I can move on.

I had heard that resentment is anger turned inward. I had a very hard time to understand this consept.

If I was resentful toward my father for his bad treatment, how is it that I'd be angery with myself? Well, I came to realizing, threw journaling, that I was angery with myself for letting him treat me that way. Angery at my helplessness. I needed to accept my part of the blame.
After 9 years of not speaking to my father, he now knows his grand children and son in law. I can't say we're best friends because we're not, but we do talk. Like strangers, but it's still a mend in our relationship.

That's what I want this journal to do for me.

So till next time.

Darlene :bfly:

OHHHH DARLENE I have a Big HUG here for you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS DARLENE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.. I'm glad you are sharing this with us..

Darlene, I hope this will help you, and I'm sure that your efforts here will help others. I already saw a few things that I could relate to...the being picked on by other kids in particular. I am very thankful that my father was not like yours.

You are very brave to examine yourself this way and I admire you for it. I think that such courage will help you succeed!

you are one of my dearest friends here


and I know exactly the whys of your writing and dealing with this

no sympathy here as i know you are writing for you


and i commend you on that



I love you as you are today... and dealing with yesterday will set you free


so... Go baby Go


only one way to break the cycle

and you are doing it


I am so proud of you... all this from a woman who once doubted her self worth


you are worth so very much


the feelings and support you give others is awesome


you know I am beside you every shrinking inch of the way



you are worth it Darlene



so very worth it



:hug: Pengii

Thank you all for your support. I wasn't sure if this was a good idea, since this journal forum is for diet and exercise. Doesn't matter now. I've already started.

I'm still dealing with my self worth. I feel fine most days, but when faced with anger and disappointment from others, I feel worthless and feel like giving up. You know, the old poor me's. Nobody cares, what do they need me for, I'm no good or I'm just in the way.
I know these aren't rational thoughts. They only last a short while. But I want to overcome them in my weak moments.

Why do I hang on to those old thoughts and feelings. I'm an adult now not a snubbed teen. I need to grow up in many areas.

I hope by working threw these feelings I can get over it and start to really feel like a funtional adult.

I know I keep saying "I'm going to" or "I want to", but trust me, I'm just getting warmed up.:laugh:

Well, I have to go for now, but I will begin my jouney into anger tonight after my hubby has gone to work. Nice to work in peace :)

Till then,

Darlene :bfly:

Hello darlene~~ it is so wonderful and brave of you to share all these feelings. beleive me we all have our own stories of the past that led us into the overeating and eating for comfort. food too for me was always my best friend. notice i said was cuz now its been more like the enemy. i have no in between.
i have been struggling big time for the last week or so with binging and so forth and it really is embarressing to write it here.
i have felt so ashamed of myself. i do great all day but when night comes i blow it. i start out eating a snack and before i know it im in a total binge.
i even looked up binge eating on the computer and guess what i fit the signs of it to a T.
i too was like you and married young. i had all 3 kids of mine while i was young. and never lost all the weight from pregnancy.
i ended up getting divorced and then re-married to a wonderful man who loves me at whatever weight i am.
it is me who needs to love me.
it is me who needs to learn i am worht something and that im not a nothing im a somebody with feelings.
lately i see so many kids around that are so overweight and i know the heartache in store for these poor children.
i know this is your journal and i feel like im writing my own story here so i will stop going on and on but i'll tell you this could be a great idea for us to all do this same thing and learn to resolve the reasons behind the eating. no more lies or secrets for me. i will be honest in how im doing even if im not doing good.
being overweight really hurts and some days i feel so disgusted with myself and other days i feel good. but the scale does rule my life.
i know i will never be totally free of this and it will haunt me forever. food will always be there calling my name.
it is like an alcoholic is with the bottle i am that way with food.
you are such an amazing woman Darlene and we all care about you and we all know you are worth alot and that you are smart and a great person in many ways.
be proud of the person you are and love yourself.
keep the faith my friend, we are all here fighting the same fight so your not alone.
take care and keep mending that heart of yours.:rose:

I think anything that helps us is well worth it!!!! I also related to alot of what you wrote so far. I know the healing process takes time & being able to deal with things that happened in the past can definitely help to improve our future! good luck!!!

Part of dieting is getting your emotional house in order too so you don't keep emotional eating. Congrats and I'm glad your doing this type of journal.

Hi :)

I am so happy you have decided to write all this down...it will help you as well as many others here at DT I am sure...


You are a very strong person - it takes a strong person to be able and willing to look at her life - past and present and decide to deal with it and resolve issues within :)

I feel like after 2 yrs. of doing this I am almost "there" - where is there? There = peace within myself

I would start to do what you are doing and then stop again and wait too long to get started again......so it has taken me quite a while to walk this journey........but each step has brought me closer to healing and reaching my goals in all areas of my life.

I want you to know I am here for you, as this can be a scarey journey to go on, but you are not alone.....

Many of us here at DT have walked this same path and will help you through it :)

I work really long hrs, but will do my best to read and post here at least once a week and offer you help in any way I can.

I do not want you to give up and quit as I so often did.......

You can heal and find peace within yourself :rose:

Jade

Darlene

I was so touched by your words and yet feel somewhat frightened by them. I see myself in lots of what you wrote and don't want to use old hurts as my excuse not to choose better options for me to lead to a healthier lifestyle. Often when I want to beat myself up over the past I tell myself that's old news. Meaning I can't change the past, yes, it made me who I am but I don't have to live that past anymore.

My father wasn't loving either, and I fear he missed getting to know me and inspiring me to dream. He had a deadend job and I fear he lost the ability to dream. Work till you retire was all he knew. His lack of interest in me is sad but his lost, and it's old news. I can't hang onto these old hurts. Today is too precious to soil by the pain of the past. Yes, I still live many of my hurts but I know I don't have to dwell on college boys yelling out BERTHA when I walked around on campus.

Today I am not Bertha, nor am I 18 yr old. I am a successful mom, and nurse and respected. But self love and self like has been hard and some days I don't quite make it. Part that really helps planning both my activities and food for the day so I can give myself some self praise on accomplishing the things that are important in my life.

Today was the first day of school and I watched my sophomore in high school leave knowing I see a good man forthcoming. He is my greatest acheivement. He likes himself and we share a mutual respect.

Darlene, you cannot change the past, and to acknowledge the pain is cleansing, but remember it is old news. Don't live in that pain, and fail to enjoy the day. You have the chance to be the mom your mom wasn't to you. You have the chance to provide the nuturining to your little ones that you failed to receive. And you have the opportunity to live a life so full, making choices that lead to your happiness.

I step off my soapbox and apologize if I have overstepped some social boundary. I don't mean to offend or upset. But I would take you to the mall and walk with you, allowing you to vent if I could. And then point out some cute guy's butt to make you smile. I am out of reach physically. But emotionally there are many who are here cheering for your success and to lay your demons to rest.

Donna:wave:

Fleur,
I am so glad that I found this journal of yours. You are doing a really brave and tough thing.

Work at it as you need too, this is not just a diet journal, it is a life journal so use it as you need too.

I repeat what everyone else is saying, you are a very special person, I have really enjoyed posting back and forth. You have been an encouragment to me this summer and I really needed it.
Thank you so much.

You are going to come out of this an even stronger person. I am excited to see that. Message me anytime you need me. :rose:

Before I begin this journey into anger, I need to pointout a few things.
I am examining my past so I can learn how it has shaped me into who I am today. I need to understand it so I can choose the path my future will take. I do not want to relive or live in the past.

I also want to talk about blame. There is no doubt that in this journal I will lay blame for my behavior on others. It is not my intent. I don't want to lay any blame, but I know I will. I think it's a necassary step to take to get beyond blame. So if you read something to the effect my weight problem is all my fathers fault, it's probably true :laugh: Well, maybe not, but the only way for me to come to realize it is threw writing and discovering it. I hope you understand.




ANGER




I have an odd relationship with anger. It's hard to describe. I am the type of person who does not like anger. I fear it.

As a child, I never got angry. No, that's not true. I never expressed it. I was not allowed to show anger toward my parents, my father in particular.
I was not allowed to talk back (understandable) nor was I allowed to disagree.
All my anger was contained. I learned to contain it and didn't even know I had it. I thought I was feeling hurt. And I was that too.
At school, I was bubbly and happy, even as the kids teased me. I was hurt, and to afraid of confrontation.

So I was a very angry bubbly hurt kid.



Who am I angry at?


Well, an easy one; my dad. I'm still angry with him for the way he treated me. I'm angry I was cheated out of a loving relationship. I'm angry he never gave me what I needed. I'm angry he still thinks of me as a child who's opinions don't matter. We could all be having a discusion and when I have something to add, he'll look to my husband to verify and carry on the conversation with him as if I never spoke.
I want to be at least an equal at this point in time.

I can still see his old behavior coming threw in my children. He'll pile their food and want them to eat it all. I get angery at that and tell my kids eat what they want and leave the rest. He says nothing, but it eats him up. I will protect my children the way I was not.


So, if resentment,(and that's what this is,) is anger turned inward, what is it I am angery at myself for?

Well, the issue with my kids angrs me because it brings back the memories of the same thing happening to me. I really think I am angry with myself for not having the courage to stand up and face my fears. I am angry for being a wimp and not being couragous.



Who else?




I am angry with my mother. I'm angry with her for not standing up to him and protecting us. She did on occation, but it was not enough. I understand she too was afraid of him.

I am also angry with her for trying to sabotog my weight loss efforts. I don't know if she does it on purpous or not, but she tries all the time. She has even told me I will never be smaller then her. She was quite serious.

How am I angry with myself? I guess I'm angry I let her get to me. I'm angry that she might be right. That's it! I'm angry she might be right and only I have the power to make her wrong. I'm scared I may fail and that makes me angry.
Wow, now I understand why I get so pissed when she does this.

I guess my husband Dan is next.

I am angry with him because I see so many similarities with my father. (Don't tell him that :laugh: ) He is very controling. And I have the same feelings I had with my father. (clean the house or he'll be mad) No, don't get him mad, cause then I'd be face with his anger again. I fear anger.


Well, I'm going to stop for now. Got to pace myself. I think looking at the anger toword Dan is going to be harder because It's not all in the past. I still live with it and him.

Till tomorrow night.

Darlene

:bfly:

fleureange have you talked to your father about this...Maybe take him aside when the children are in bed and have it out with him.. Express your hurt and your anger. and DO the same with your husband...Venting out loud is the best stress releaser.. Or do like I do and throw something>>Not a knife or anything sharp though>> LOL I remember one day my husband getting me so mad I went up to my room and threw EVERYTHING on the floor.. drawers and all..LOL and then I came back down and he went upstairs and HE's the one that cleaned the mess not me...and believe me.. I sure felt great afterwards..

Joanne,
Unfortunatly my dad is not the chatty type. He doesn't listen to what I say anyway. I won't bother him with the past. I'll work threw this and leave him to his demons.
I will however confront him about my children. I will not put them threw what I went threw.

As far as my husband goes, I think I need to wait and explore that issue a bit more. It won't be easy to confront him. He would def not be the one cleaning up! :laugh:

When I do confront him, I'mm make sure the knives and all other sharp objects are out of reach :laugh:

Thanks for you suggestions. I will always welcome them.

Darlene :bfly:

Hello Darlene~~ it is so good to let it all out. this journal will help you to heal.
your mom sounds like shes scared you'll be thinner than her and she sounds jealous of your determination too.
keep strong!
as for your dad i am sorry you grew up like that with him but protecting your own children from it is very brave also.
as for hubby in time you will need to talk it out.
you need to be a team and he needs to loosen the reins of control.
keep letting it out and cleanse your soul and you will be able to move on.
these journals are good therapy.
they help heal the heart.
i am here for you and i understand how you feel.
have a good day and ill check in on you later.

:hug: :hug:

Darlene,

You sure have chosen a tough road to travel down. But I also see a very determined and tough lady who has chosen this road.
I do know that it takes a brave and secure person to be able to look at your past and learn from it. I think you said it all when you said," I don't want to relive the past or live in the past but learn from it."

Yes this is going to be a tough journey. But always remember you have all of us to lean on when you need to. I think all of us can identify with some of what you have experienced. You can count on me for support and understanding as with all of us.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for and journaling is one way of doing that. Getting your emotional house in order may take a little time but you are worth it!! Remember we are here for you!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie

All I can say, is thanks guys. You guys are the greatest for giving me such support.




Well, rather than explore the anger I have for my husband, I decided to review our relationship.

Like I mentioned before, we met while I was living at my grandparents home. He was my first real boyfriend. The first to ever really show an interest in me. I needed to latch on to that cause I felt, no, I know nobody else would.
So we dated for about 10 months before we got fed up with my grand parents' rules. We got ourselves a little apartment in the city.
Dan was my everything. He rescued me from being alone. From living with my controlling grand parents. And I was in love. He helped me to build my self esteem. It was threw him that I realized I had the right to be and show anger. And boy oh boy could I!

Seems like over time, slowly but surely, he has taken the place of my father. By that I mean my self esteem is back down, I feel second class, not worth much. I feel afraid to speak up and to show my feelings. I'm afraid of confrontation.

See, when I get mad, he usually, quite skillfully, turns the tables on me. Doesn't matter what it is. I seem to get angry over small things, where when he gets angry, it seems to be the end of the world. Of course he is always right. I am always apologizing.
I can't stand the cold shoulder and he knows it.

One major reason I don't like getting into it with him is because he never says anything he doesn't mean. He follows through.
He has warned me in the past about different things. For instance, he has warned me to never cheat on him because he'd kill me. Now I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing with a guy like that. Well, I love him. He says that because of his own insecurities. He admits that. I've told him I don't think that's fair for him to say. I don't believe in cheating!!!! He knows this. I have no fear for my life, but just the same, I don't take kindly to threats.
So one night, we got into an argument and he pulled my hair and pushed me. I have always said, NEVER lay a hand on me or my children (or cheat) those are the only way I'd ever leave. Well when he did that, he crossed the line. I know when I picked up the phone to call the police that that would be the end of our relationship. It was over. I called my mom and she picked us up in the middle of the night and we went to a shelter. I called him the next day and we talked. He said he was sorry. Now I know what you must be thinking. Yeah right. He had never in 12 years (at the time) hit me. I was so afraid that once I went home he would take my kids and throw me out which was what he had said he would do (before the police came) I took a very big chance. It paid off. We grew even closer after that. We went to counseling for a while. He really did see things differently. He actually thought he was perfect. I mean really. I'v heard the saying nobody's perfect. He must have missed that one.

It has been 2 years since then. I see he's getting ready for another talking to. Things are slowly going back to the way they were. He's getting to be controlling like my father.

I need to have that talk with him soon because first of all, I know if I don't do it soon it will end in a big blowout like before. I don't know how we'd make it threw another one. Secondly, since I compare his behavior to my fathers, I know the anger I carried from that. I know what it did to me. I know I was angry because I should have stood up to him. This is now my chance to stand up and if I don't, I will be angry with him and with myself. That will be another reason to over eat. I have enough of those now.

So, thats us in a nut shell.



Tomorrow I'd like to review that anger I've got toward Dan. At this very moment, I really don't feel any. I think it's disguised as hurt. Well, I'll tackle that tomorrow.

Night,

Darlene :bfly:

I kinda made him out to be a monster. I left out how great he is too. He balances out nicely. If he didn't, I wouldn't be here. He is also a great father. The guy isn't all bad.

It was just my need to get crap out, and when doing that, I'm not really thinking of the good stuff.
I hope you understand.

Darlene :bfly:

Darlene,
You bet I understand. If I was venting about my DH you would think he is some kind of a self-centered arrogant ass. When I am upset with him that is how I see him. May not be fair but we don't see the good in some one when we are angry. We only see what is negative and in fact may not even be true. But that is the way with feelings they are neither true or false they are feelings.

Have a good night!
Love and hugs,
Lizzie:rose: :rose:

Darlene

Love is such a strange emotion for we're told true love doesn't hurt----but frequently the conflict it brings does. You are a very strong woman for being able to compare and yet not condemn.

So much is written about the Venus and Mars issue of relationships but overall I believe in the issue of respect----mutual and self respect. Today I hope and work on choosing behaviors that give me self respect. From the food I'm selecting to the friends I am keeping to the activities of the day to what I say.

I hope you and your husband can build a relationship that is supportive and respectful of each of yours needs.

Donna

You are doing wonderful! You are making such progress in your thoughts, feelings and getting yourself ready for actions and this is wonderful! I am so proud of you :)

I was reading a book last night - it was a type of mystery/love type story, but none the less there was a sentence in it that seemed to jump right out at me and i want to share it with you.

The shame belongs to those who treated you as they did, not to you!

Often times when i am angry, hurt etc. I feel shameful for feeling like this, however I see now that the shame is not mine to bear, it is who ever made me feel like they did.

My shame often then leds me to actions/ thoughts I would otherwise not chose to feel/do, without the feelings of shame.

Not sure if this is any help to you, but wanted to share it with you :)


You spoke of blame several posts ago - I feel that blame does have a place and it should in our minds any ways be put where it belongs......so there is nothing wrong with putting blame where blame belongs :)

I am proud of you - you are strong!

Jade

Fleur,
My heart goes out to you for sure. But I have been thinking that it might help you more to actually go to a therapist. A person to talk to and help you.We can only do so much here.

If you were interested my sister, who lives in your city, could give me some names of some really good people.

I really appreciate you and want you to be able to make it through all of this with your self and your family in tact. Please let me know.

Hello Fleur,

Here I was, one of the first to stick my nose in here, and then got too busy and haven't been back since. What a lot of catching up I had to do.

I will be totally honest, I was almost in tears reading some of your first posts about growing up. Boy, talk about hitting home runs. Girl, you really scored!

My Father was not one to show or express his feelings well at all. He was raised to be tough and take it on the chin, the way a man does. He too was a product of his upbringing and environment, and it was a very stark one. He was working full time by age 14 to help support 8 children. When I was young, I couldn't understand where he came from, but as I grew and learned I understood better.

Just the same, he chose to raise his children the same way he was raised, and we too ate everything on the plate, or had it at the next meal. We did as we were told, with no if, and or buts or we ate knuckle sandwiches. My Father ruled the household, made all decisions and my Mother obeyed or else.

And I could go on and on. The similarities had me spell bound. But there are also a lot of other things that are nothing as you had it. For one, my Mother started "putting" me on a diet as soon as I hit my teens and showed a tendancy to be overweight. She never wanted me to heavy the way she had always been.

Of course I rebelled all over the place eventually. And here I am at DT with everyone else.

I guess all of us probably have many issues we should deal with if we really want our eating under control. But I wouldn't know where to really start or I am also a bit afraid of where it might take me.

One thing, like you, I hate confrontation. The many TV programs like Donahue, and Sally Jesse and so forth. I could never watch them because people argue so much, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I can't stand to see it or hear it, let alone be part of it. I never wath court shows either. Nothing with arguing going on. I can't even explain how odd it makes me feel. When I get hugely angry, I more or less shut up. I just swallow it and move on. And once when I was really upset with my hubby, I sat down and wrote out all my thoughts and hurt in a letter and gave it to him to read. That was the only way I could manage my feelings. And my hubby is a very quiet, even tempered, mellow person. I think instinctively I know that he too finds confrontation very difficult to deal with also.

Anyway, I have rambled on far too much, but I think you are doing a very brave thing. I'm sure many of us will learn from sharing your thoughts and experiences. And I too am here for you if and when you should ever need or want anything from me.

Take care
Love n hugz, :hug::hug:
Sandie

It takes a lot of fortitude to be able to confront these issues, and you have my respect for that. And it's interesting to begin to see the complexity of your relationships, particularly the relationship that you have with your husband. I'll keep reading, and if I ever think that I have a relevant observation I'll let you know. I've had some thoughts, but I feel like I don't really know enough about your situation to share them without having to make WAY too many assumptions, so I hope you keep posting. I agree with crazy2 that a therapist is a good idea, but I also think the journal is a great idea. Where else can you get anonymous feedback on your innermost thoughts? Keep up the hard work and it will all pay off with comfort and inner peace one day.

Thank you all for all your responces. I truley value them. You never know when you may stumble on a key word or phrase that may set off my alarm bells.

Jade- At some point I'd like to discuss shame. I feel that to is a powerful emotion I grew up with and still feel from time to time.

Lizzie- I don't know how other people feel, but for the most part, I have no negative emotions. I'm not happy,(like singing a tune) not sad, not angry, just AM. Does that make sence? I really find it odd how I turn on and off my emotions. Turning them off is a bit harder. This too is something I should look at. I was harsh about my hubby, but like I said, I was relating those hurtfull stories.

Donna- I feel respect is something that is earned. That includes self-respect. I may have been given freely once upon a time, but now I need to build it up.I need more self respect, self esteem and self confidence. I'm hoping that's what all this will lead to.

Nancy- I agree I could use a therapist. Unfortunatly our medical doesn't cover it and money is tight around here (where isn't it) I do think dispite all our problems, we have a good relationship. I find once in a while we come to a point where we re-evaluate what we have, and fine tune it. We are just coming to that point again. Unfortunatly this seems to be a hurtfull road both hubby and I (knowing or not) have chosen to take.
I will tell him how I feel, he'll tell me how he feels, and we will both try to put ourselves in the others shoes. We will admit our faults, complement the other on their successes and agree to try to be kinder and more loving to each other.
This is kind of a house cleaning we do. The big thing that sucks is it must wait for the right moment to happen. We'll both know when that is.

Sandielynne- your story kinda sounds like someone I know.:laugh: I see both my parents as well as my hubby and myself in it. My father and hubby are the masters of their universe. My hubby has control, ultimitly, because I let him. There in lies my fault.

I don't like controntation with me invovled. The tv kind I find funny. Gotta love Jerry Jerry. He gets some of the best actors8-| I just can't stand anyone to be mad at me or God forbid, yell at me. My brother used to tease me because everytime I would get yelled at, I would look down and make a face like my mouth was smooched to one side. After the yelling was over, he'd walk around with a smooched face and laugh.
I made that face alot, for silly things. I'd just like to have told him to LIGHTEN UP!

Jessica- I'd like to hear your thoughts so far. Like I said earlier, you never know when something will set off my alarm bells. Can always use input and have lots of room for more thoughts.

Thank you all for your loving support. Even though I have just begun this journey, and I have so far to go, I'm already feeling stronger with myself. I know I need to work on being stronger with others, and I will.

Well, your posts have left me with more to think about. Thank you.

I won't post anymore tonight. I feel a bit of mental drain. It's also late and our puter was out all day. :ahhh: Just got it up and running again.

Till tomorrow....

Darlene :bfly:

Well, this is how things happen for me....

When I start feeling bad, something always happens to lift my spirits. I've been talking about alot of negative stuff Dan does. Well this morning I got up to find a new office chair sitting at our puter. There with the chair were 2 cards. The first a hand written note telling me how proud he is of me and my determination to lose weight. He says my strength, will and hard work hasn't gone unnoticed and it is showing. I was nearly in tears. He may be rough around the edges, but he has a very soft heart.
The second card applauded when I opened the card. How sweet.
Ithink I'll be keeping these things around to remind me that I can do this. I taped the note to my puter so i can see it when ever I'm fooling around on it.

Well that's all for now. I'll post more tonight.

Darlene :bfly:

Thatis wonderful Darlene, these guys can surprise us sometimes can't they. Well I guess we'll let you keep him for a little longer. lol

Have a great weekend.

Darlene,
That was so sweet of your hubby!! Wow how special!! Yep I would have to keep him too! Have a wonderful day!!
Love and hugs,
Lizzie

I haven't had a lot of time lately to be at DT, but I'm having an unusually "lazy" Saturday afternoon, so I've been hanging out here on the boards and discovered your journal.

You are amazing.:rose:

We learn who we are by taking a good, close look at how we GOT TO BE who we are. After we find out who we are, we can make a plan for who we WANT TO BE. You're doing it all right. What a wonderful journal! Thank you for sharing "you" with all of us!

Hugs,
Lynn

I'm back already! Just went to the Homepage and discovered today is your birthday!

:bd :cheers: :bd

Hope it's a great one for you!

Lynn

Happy Birthday Darlene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bd :gift: :tongue:arty: :cake: :cheer: :bd Have a very Happy Birthday Day!!!!
Love and hugs,
Lizzie

Thanks guys for the birthday wishes. I had a good day.



Well, tonight I'm going to talk about guilt. Anger isn't hitting a chord with me tonight.



What do I have to be guilty for?

I think most of my guilt is surrounded by food. Oh occasionally I'll say something out of anger and then feel guilty about it, but other than that, there is no other guilt but for food related guilt.


Why do I feel guilt? What have I done?

Well, I guess most times the guilt comes from hiding my eating. I hide the fact I eat because I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me for failing. Not even failing, but for eating things I shouldn't.

I blame the kids or the dogs for food that disappears. I then feel guilty. You know, I wonder if there isn't some fear mixed in there too. When my hubby asks Who ate the ---------- what ever, I feel guilt and fear. Fear I will be found out. It is such a terrible feeling. My heart races and it beats hard in my chest. I feel like I was stealing.
I guess I know I shouldn't be eating what ever it is, but I can't stop myself and that produces guilt and shame.

Why do I feel such a need to go and eat those things? Why? Even when I know I can't. Even when i know I will feel guilt and shame, I do it anyway. Why? It just doesn't make sense. Why would I do something so wrong, knowing it's wrong then blame my children? Why would I do it and have my lies in order before I begin?
What is it that food gives me that I don't get elsewhere in my life? Aha! that's the question.
What does food give me that I don't get elsewhere in my life.

ok what does food give me?
It gives me life- nutrients to live
It gives me satisfaction- not hungry.
It gives me pleasure-The tastes of sweets are ??? what is it I want to say?? smooth, soft, sweet. I don't know, it gives me a rush I guess. Is it exciting to sneak the food? is that part of it?
Maybe is't like a love affair. Sweet, satisfying, a rush and you have to sneak. WOW, I'm in love with food LOL Well maybe it's not so funny. Maybe it is quite the same.

I've always said food was my best friend and worst enemy.
It's my friend cause it's always there, I love it, and it loves me back. By that I mean it's unconditional. No matter what, it gives me the same pleasure every time.
It is also my enemy. The expression love'm to death comes to mind. I love food so much it is killing me. Medicine is good when you need it and take it properly, It can kill you if you abuse it. I think food is the same.

So, what is it that is lacking in my like that I need to replace it with food? That's a tuffy. I get all kind of emotions just thinking about it. Guilt being one of them. I feel like it must be something in my relationship with my husband. Not sure why, but that's the feeling I'm getting. If it is in that area, that's why I'm feeling the guilt. I think it's my fault. If anything is lacking, It must be my fault. I find I have many faults, or others find them for me.

All these questions I will need time to think about.

You know, i have major guilt for keeping this journal. No, guilt isn't the right word. Fear I guess. I won't even mention this site out loud any more in case my husband wants to check it out. God, can you imagine if he did and read this journal? Tonight he was on the puter and I asked him what he was doing, I thought he said checking out your site. I nearly fainted. REALLY. I love this site. I love this journal, I need this journal. I just fear being caught. I feel like I'm cheating or stealing or just plain not being honest. When I'm doing just that, being honest.
Well, that's something else to work on.

That's all for tonight. Hope I have given you all something to think about with your own lives.

Healing....
Darlene :bfly:

Hello Darlene~~ i think we all feel guilt when we eat foods we feel we shouldnt.
i too have felt exactly what your saying like hiding,sneaking around with food and lying too. i would die if hubby read my journal. i have told him everything so its not that but this is mine. something of my own that i dont want to share with him. its somewhere i can go to vent all my feelings when im mad or scared or whatever im feeling. its my place to come to talk about my strengths and weaknesses and my fears and confessing when i have binged. mine,mine,mine.

it is my diary,my thoughts, and all.

i feel safe to let it all out here. or like they say air the dirty laundry.

you are doing great with this thread and confronting your past will lead you to a great future and overcoming the binging.
i too am looking deep inside myself to heal whatever it is that makes me eat the way i do.
no more excuses,secrets,lies or anything just plain honesty to myself.

you take care and keep being strong. you are so brave for this thread and letting it all out will heal your heart.

just amazing Dar !!

you are really helping bring things to light

we think we are fooling everyone but didnt get this size sipping water

you are a brave woman


i had a chuckle over your remark about hubby checking your journal and nearly fainting


it takes a lot to risk our so called security and open up

i had a big fear my mom would be able to access my journal while she was at my sis' lol

crazy huh


you are doing so great letting it out


i am so proud of you


:hug: Pengii

You are asking yourself a lot of questions and you will find your answers in time - I found most of mine as I was in the healing process of myself....

I too still sneak food - If I want seconds I wait until no one is around and shove it in! I will eat food and quickly burn the trash so one finds the box.

Yes, I am ashamed of doing these things....

I do know why I do them though:
I know Iam over weight and I complain about it all the time, and seems like I am forever talking about being on this diet or that diet or buying special foods for my diet etc etc. Then when I binge I don't not want anyone to watch me binge, so I sneak :(

I feel like if they see me eating all these "bad" foods they will be thinking, well all she does is talk and spend money to lose weight, but look at her eating now!

Being quite truthful here - I guess I sneak to hide the truth. The truth being I have a eating problem and do not want it witnessed by others....

In time I do get better and better at this though......I have more control over my binges now and I sneak less and less often...

Hope it helps to know your not alone :)

Jade

Wish it was as easy as putting up a stop sign and no more binging or grazing all night long. But whatever the payback comes from overeating, it is an ingrained habit, an old comfort, a source of procrastination, and a drug when eaten to such an excess that I only want to sleep it off.

But it is hard to re-think our options when we are angry. For most of us the idea of confronting the opposition is far too scary. Or to voice our opinion when facing confrontation is so painful, that no wonder we turn to taking a break and going to a vending machine----for a coke, or chocolate.

Then throw in our emotions, always wanting approval and wanting someone to feed our self esteem, we can go off the deep end.

The shame of seeing the end of the chip bag or having to go out to get snack cakes for we have eaten the kids lunch cakes. The shame of the enormity of how much we ate---even if unwitnessed shames us. Makes us feel less than the norm.

Planning makes me more aware of what I have eaten, both my amt and selections.

Watching your success, Darlene. If you need a chuckle, check out my Aug 20th journal entry.

Donna:wave:

what about the one, if nobody sees us eat it, it doesn't count?? I've had that idea in my head too. the guilt we lay on ourselves...you'd think we committed a murder or something!!! but that's just one of the things we need to face...how to eat without feeling guilty. hopefully we'll all learn how together!!!

darlene, you are still a wonderful, awesome, caring, funny, sweet person...no matter what food you eat!! cause I said so, atz why!!

You know, I think the reason I feel so bad after a binge is because I feel like I failed yet again. I let myself down. I worked so bloody hard all week and I blew it all in one shot. I feel like it's a never ending circle. I'm good for a while mess it all up, try again, mess it up. I feel like I can never get ahead.

I must admit, My binges are getting less less. The one's I do have are not as bad as they were. I have been trying to focus my energy else where. You know, use my powers for good not evil LOL.

I am starting to feel stronger. I still lac the self esteem it will take to reach my goal. I really do believe you need self esteem to make it. I mean, if I don't believe in myself, I just won't get there. I'm trying to build it up slowly. I have begun looking at myself in the eyes the mirror and telling myself that I am a good person. That I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be thin. I also tell myself that it is my right and my duty to provide myself with the best, healthy body I can. And lastly, I tell myself " I love you". I know it sounds crazy, but i think over time it may help. I may come to believe it. It is so weird to see me saying that to me. (you know what i mean) It really feels odd.

So, I don't want to feel shame and guilt any more. I don't want to binge either, but i know I can't guarantee that. So, if i'm not to feel shame or guilt, what is it I should feel?
How about a renewed sense of determination. I'll use it as fuel to keep trying. Well, sounds good anyway. I don't know how that would pan out, but I can only try. I just hope I never binge again.

Well that's it for tonight. i still have my weight training exercises to do.
Night.

Darlene :bfly:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I often feel this way as well......just a puppy chasing my tail....but never catching it for long :(

However like you my binges are futher and futher apart all the time and this is progress :)

Like my signature says - baby steps....

Jade

darlene, you do whatever helps you to stay on track...if it's a once a week binge, then so be it...then just be healthy the rest of the time. sometimes it's a gradual thing that we just need to build up from...but you'll do it!!!!

Darlene I think you are getting on track, I mean you relize what is going on and what is wrong and that is 1/2 the battle. but keep up the positve things like you are doing, like coming here and weight lifting and before you know it the binges will be far and few. one thing you might want to do is keep some healthy foods around like popcorn and all well I can binge on that but at least it is not the bad food that we so go to. Anyways I am here for you anytime feel free to PM me ok.
Take care and keep up the good work

You guys are the greatest.

I just finished the Tuesday night 100+ chat and I'm feeling bad, sad, confused and renewed all at the same time.

I feel sand because once again I had a binge. Knowing full well what I was doing, I mad a decision to eat my head off. Now I'm feeling regret because of how hard I worked and now I feel like I waisted those good days and worked so hard for nothing. you know, one step forward, three steps back.

I know that's not how it really is, but that's how I feel.

I also feel confused. For as long as school has been out for the summer, I have been trying to change my lifestyle. For all but 7-8 days (in which I had a binge) I have been eating about 1800 cals a day. I eat fava, pinto, kidney, and navy beans. I eat salads with no bad extras. My dressings are low fat. I try not to eat potatos. My rice is brown. I eat soy once or twice a week. I have been trying all kinds of different veggies I've never tried before. I eat lots of fruit. About 5 a day. I drink 2L of water a day. I log my food into fitday. I exercise 30 min a day and have just added weight training. It has been, what....6 weeks? I haven't lost 1 single pound. I am just confused. I know it can take some time, but 6 weeks? I think one little pound would be really nice about now. I have been told i'm losing inches. I can't feel it in my clothes. I think people may be saying it to make me feel good and keep me positive. I know that it's my insecurities getting the best of me.



ok, after tonights chat, i am also feeling renewed. Listening to everyone tonight was very good for me.
I would like to thank everyone frome the bottom of my heart. I can't do this without you!!!!!!!!

FOCUS. I will focus not on weight, but on being healthy,

I will not focus on weight, but on being healthy

FOCUS ON BEING HEALTHY

FOCUS ON BEING HEALTHY

Ok, I have quite smoking now for almost 2 months. I can follow that with a healthy eating plan an an exercise program.

I only need to be healthy.

Darlene :bfly:

Hi Darlene, I just caught myself up with your new journal and I thank you for sharing. Reading your journal has made me think about what got me where I am today. I think it is so good for us to get rid of the baggage and learn from our past. If we don't learn from it we'll just make the same mistakes over and over.
I too think the hardest thing is to build ourselves up to say Yes I am worth it. I am worthy. I am a great person and I deserve to be happy. It's hard to change our mentalities to instead of a reward of a pizza a reward of a visit to an old buddy or a walk in the park.
Truly deep down we have a list of things we would do if we were at our ideal weights and for me I know I'm making them goals. Things I will do eventually. Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon. and I for one can't wait. I just hope we can all be friends along the way. Get to know each other and cheer each other on. We'll all have our hard times and need that extra push now and then but dont think for one minute because you don't have the attitude that you are the best that you can't achieve any of your dreams, you can do whatever you set your mind on and are willing to do your best to get it. (((((((hugs))))))))) we can do anything!:rose:

hello darlene~~

well i also do the 1 step fprward and 3 steps back. i do real good eating,exercise,water and then in a moment of haste i blow it.
i get so mad too.
i like you am trying to get under control and build self esteem that we can and will do this.
you are making steps in the right direction and you will succeed too. keep the faith strong and love yourself too.

Darlene,

I wanted to share some special recipes that I would like you to try ..... they are dessert recipes ... if you take the time to make something really good for yourself ..... THEN YOU WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I am going to place 3 recipes in here just FOR YOU (lool but if others read your journal and they want it .... the more the merrier) .....

NO GUILT CHOCOLATE BROWNIES -- Makes 16 to 18 servings
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 tbspns granulated sugar
1/2 tspn baking powder
1/4 tspn salt
1/2 cup cholesterol-free egg substitute
1 jar (2 1/2 oz.) first stage baby food prunes
1 tspn vanilla
1 cup uncooked rolled oats
1/3 cup nonfat DRY MILK solids
1/4 cup wheat germ
2 tspns powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees; spray 8 inch square baking pan with nonstick cooking spray. Set aside. Melt chips in top of double boiler over simmering water.

Combine brown and granulated sugars, baking powder and salt in bowl with electric mixer; add egg substitute, prunes and vanilla. Beat at medium speed until well blended. Stir in oats, milk solids, wheat germ and chocolate.

Pour batter into prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool completely; cut into 2 inches squares and dust with powdered sugar before serving.

Total Calories: 124; Total Fat 5 grams; Cholesterol 0 milligrams; Sodium 65 milligrams.

CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE -- Serves 16 to 18 **

1 1/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
4 tbspns melted margarine
3 packets EQUAL sweetener
2 pkgs (8 oz. each) reduced fat cream cheese, softened
1 pkg (8 oz.) fat free cream cheese, softened
18 packets EQUAL sweetener
2 eggs
2 egg whites
2 tbspns cornstarch
1 cup reduced fat sour cream
1/3 cup Dutch process (dark chocolate) cocoa
1 tspn vanilla
Fresh raspberries, nonfat whipped topping and orange peel (if desired)

Mix graham cracker crumbs, margarine and 3 packets of EQUAL sweetener in bottom of 9 inch springform pan. Pat mixture evenly on bottom and 1/2 inch up side of pan.

Beat cream cheese and 18 packets of EQUAL sweetener in bowl until fluffy; beat in eggs, egg whites and cornstarch. Mix in sour cream, cocoa and vanilla until well blended. Pour mixture into crust.

Place cheesecake in roasting pan on oven rack; add 1 inch hot water to roasting pan. Bake cheesecake in preheated 300 degree oven just until set in the center (45 to 50 minutes).

Remove cheesecake from roasting pan; return cheesecake to oven. Turn oven OFF and let cheesecake cool for 3 hours with oven door open and ajar; refrigerate 8 hours or overnight. Remove side of pan; place cheesecake on serving plate and garnish if desired.

Total Calories: 189; Total Fat 11 grams; Cholesterol 51 grams; Sodium 280 milligrams.

** This recipe is time consuming .... but this cheesecake is to die for -- especially if you like or love chocolate cheesecake.

CREAM CHEESE AND JELLY COOKIES -- Makes 3 dozen

1 pkg (8 oz.) reduced fat cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup margarine, softened
8 packets EQUAL SWEETENER
2 cups all purpose flour
1/4 tspn salt
1/4 cup black cherry or seedless raspberry spreadable fruit

Beat cream cheese, margarine and EQUAL in bowl until fluffy; mix in flour and salt to form a soft dough. Cover and refrigerate until dough is firm (should take approx. 3 hours).

Roll dough on lightly floured suraface into circle 1/8 inch thick; cut into rounds with 3 inch cookie cutter; place rounded 1/4 tspn spreadable fruit in center of each round; fold rounds into halves and crimp the edges firmly with tines of fork.

Pierce tops of cookies with tip of sharp knife; bake cookies on GREASED cookie sheets in preheated 350 degree oven until lightly browned about 10 minutes; COOL on wire racks.

Total Calories (1 Cookie): 80 calories; Total Fat 5 grams; Cholesterol 4 milligrams; Sodium 78 milligrams.

You know as you make these recipes ..... it keeps your hands busy and preparing something that YOU CAN ENJOY ..... let me know if you try and like these recipes ......

I have become a collector of different recipes ....

Make it a great day ... SHAKE OFF AND START ANEW. YOU CAN AND WILL SUCCEED ..... IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN DARLENE ... I KNOW IT AND YOU KNOW IT. Always, Monica

I sadly have walked in your shoes and yes, I walked in them for 6 weeks :(

Poor Bell and Lindasue had their hands full getting me through that time - but when my body decided to listen to what I was doing with it I lost like 6 lbs in a week or so :)

I know it's rough - ok forget rough - I know it terrible!! Please hang in there - it WILL come off if you hang tough :)

Jade

Thank you all so much for you support. I know this is a long hard road to travel. The good news is I don't have to do it alone thanks to you guys.:hug:

Also want to thank Monica for the recipes. I will make them and freeze them so if I ever need to, I'll have an emergency stach of "good" goodies.



Here I am once again. Brought down to my knees. This desease has won another battle, but it will not win the war.
If there is one thing I have learned this time around, it's just how much support I have behind me. I could not do this alone. I've tried it so many times.
Well, I wanted the scale to move, I bet it has. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'll have to face the music. I am ready. I know I'll be up about 5lbs. That is ok. Mybe that is what it'll take to break this plateau. One must be positive.

I won't bother to decribe the nasty things I ate. It would serve to good to me nor to you. I will hawever tell you how I was feeling.

I was ashamed. Felt guilt. I just couldn't move past it. I felt like a failure. Knew I was a failure and why bother? Then I would think, no, I can do this. I don't have to let it go on for that long I can stop it right now. I'd follow that up with more food.
I would laugh at myself for eating things like fat free bolonga, as it that's going to help when you eat 1/2 a pound at a time. You get the idea. I guess it could have been worse.
I hated myself for being week. I would look in the mirror and think I could see some inches gone and think I'm not giving this up. I've come to far to give up now. Then I would go ahead and eat.

So, As of tomorrow morning, (I say that cause I won't be eating tonight) I will be back on program. I say that with confidence because I have to. I have to be back or My life will fall to shambles. I have a plan of action I have suport and I have all the tools I need. I need motivation and determination. I do believe I have that.

So for tonight,

I say goodnight,

Darlene :bfly:

Hi Darlene,

I have sat here reading this journal and relating to a lot of the things you have written about. I can't tell you HOW STRONG you TRULY ARE..!!!

This Merry-Go-Round of weight loss has really had it's Up's and Down's for all of us. We all KNOW that gaining the weight was the easiest part.. it is getting off the weight that is the biggest bugger of all.. We can't just snap our fingers and I Dream of Jeannie or Samatha from Bewitched can.. just snap their fingers or twitch their nose to get us to our ultimate Weight Loss Goals..

I have found that EVERY DAY is a learning experience. Every day, we learn a little more about ourselves, our eating habits, and you are way ahead of alot of us... :x

In reading this journal, there is one thing that I recall that helped OUR marriage and that was a MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER WEEKEND. We have always had a strong and close marriage, but we had some problems with a family member many years ago that kept creeping up in our relationship. One of our friends, actually Paid for our Weekend, AND.. watched our daughter.. so we could attend. Not only did it strengthen our relationship, but we were able to "focus" (to use the word you have said several times in this journal) on issues that were very important to us. I think we had been married about 25 years or so.. when we went.. wow..has it been almost 12 years.. because we just had our 37th Wedding Anniversary in June. But.. believe me.. that was the BEST WEEKEND we have spent together.. in our married life.. except maybe our honeymoon.. LOL

My hubby did discuss my weight issues and his major concern wasn't how I looked, but it was future health issues..he was concerned about.. (unfortunately, I didn't do anything about that then.. and I should have!!! ) :(

Oh Darn, I wish my memory was better, because I had other things I wanted to add.. but.. unfortunately.. the thoughts have escaped me.. right now.. I may remember it.. someday down the road.. :)

Oh Well, when I remember.. I will post it here for you..

Tomorrow when you have your weigh in.. think of it as your starting point.. and.. remember if you gain.. don't think you have failed.. because what you are doing here.. writing and identifying your eating issues.. actually is waking up your mind.. and you will be receptive soon..

Hugs, and Make a difference in someone's life Today!!

Hello Darlene, just had a chance to come over and "meet" you. I too had problems with others growing up, but not because of weight. I had a speach defect that took me years to get past, but same taunting occurred. I have not explored my reasons for having been 100+ overweight, bu t your journal may convince me to do that. I wanted to tell you about family friends when I was growing up. The husband and wife were both 300+, and they began dieting with the old WW program. They decided to diet 5 days aweek, and eat what they wanted on the weekend. For them this meant that they could eat what they wanted, and not feel guilty. They both lost down to target . I've never tried their method, but if it means no guilt, then it means no binging,so maybe designating one day a week as a scheduled day to eat what you want it would help.
The other thing I want to say is that for YEARS ia have fought with myself while eating, or sshould I say shoveling, food in. You underwstand the feeling-open the refrigerator door and eat whatever is not too raw or too moldy and tell yourself to stop but you keep goping until.... then you cook dinner, and eat again, then scrape the leftovers off the plates and eat,etc. I hated myself but couldn't stop.:tomato: The good news for me is that I have stopped, and you will too. Keep pn analyzing and fighting, you'll get there. For me it meant trying different programs until I found the diet that works for me. There are so many out there!


Grannie5

JusDucky- Wow congrats on 37 years with the same man! That is something to truely be proud of. I thought maby I'd dump mine when we hit our 20th or so :laugh: No really, that's wonderful, I can only hope to be happily married after 37 years, We've been married nearly 4 years, but we've been together for nearly 14.

Grannie- it is a pleasure to meet you. I thank you for your story about the couple who when off program on the weekends and still lost weight. I have decided to allow myself 1 day a week to have those things guilt free. I hope I don't need to use that day, but it will be there for me just incase. I would rather it be something I allow rather than call it a slip, feel guilty about it and eat over it.


So, what drives me to eat? When I eat, what is it I'm feeling? (before the guiltover eating)

Well, I really don't know. I thought that would be an easy one to answer. I have been consumed with the guilt that comes from indulging, that I haven't given much thought as to the cause of the binge it begin with.
I think I will need reflection on this.
Someone (forgive me for not remembering who) mentioned
HALT
Hunger
Anger
Lonely
Tired
(I hope I got that right)

These are some things to concider being possible causes for my binges.

Well, I will reflect on these and write about it when i have some answers.

Darlene

:bfly:

Darlene --- I have been trying to evaluate the same question why I eat what I eat.

I have the same problem I'll be going along fine and then all of a sudden the wheels fall off the wagon.

Then i eat because I just plain feeling sorry for myself --- my own little pity party.

Well no more ------ When I feel like that I have to find some other way to deal with it other than food.

Glad to see I have a crunch buddy --- and believe me I'll be there for you in a crunch!!

Stay strong and firm!!

I never can figure out exactly what makes me start eating everything in site either.....is it because I feel sorry for myself when I see others eat things that I know I want & shouldn't have??? or did someone hurt my feelings or anger me in some way?? or just TOM?? I never know. I do know that once I start I feel like that's it...that all my hard work means nothing.
usually then, I try to dig out some old books or magazines that inspired me once before...& thankfully, that gets me back on track. but the guilt still hangs around for a day or too.
so just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do....

hugs to you!!!

I agree with buji - there are few times i actually know what drives me to binge.

I also agree with the one day a week of eating guilt free idea :)

Jade

Thanks for all your imput. Buji, I know just how you feel about feeling sorry for yourself. I'm the queen of the pity party.

I have done some thinking about why I binge when on program. I have two reasons I found. One Buji mentioned. TOM. Boy when TOM comes around I go crazy. I crave and need! So I have decided that around TOM, I will be first and formost kinder to myself. Secondly I will make some of those guilt free snacks from Monica. I will have them ready in the fridge. If I eat them all, so be it. Better them then the full of fat kind.

The other reason I find myself binging while on program need an explanation. I have noticed all my binges come after I go grocerie shopping. I buy wonderful foods for me and it makes me feel so good and wholesome. I also buy the worst possible foods for me to have around for my hubby. I wasn't buying them at first, but he said I still need to buy for others not just for me and my food plan. So, I bought them. For a few days I'm ok, then it starts. This terrible nagging in my gut. I feel a pull, and my brain feels short circuited. It becames almost a physical feeling. I will have this feeling till i give in and get a fix. It will happen over and over till it's gone. Then comes that guilt.

So I guess for me, the need to binge comes with the access of food. I have never been one to go and get it.(like drive to the store just for binge food) If the food is around me, that's where I have the problem.
So, I must tell my hubby that although I love him, I need to keep the houde clean, at least for a long while. I can buy the kids snacks that don't a thing for me, for their lunches. He can buy this snacks on a per night basis or keep them in his car. I know that sounds foolish, but I have to do what I have to do.

I'll have that talk with my hubby tonight.

Darlene :bfly:

I have read something I wanted to share. Enjoy.



TRUTHFUL BITS OF PHILOSOPHY


Learn to "LET GO"


If you want to be healthy morally, mentally an physically, ust LET GO. LET GO of the little annoyances of everyday life, the irritations and the petty vexations that cross your path daily. Don't take them up, nurse them pet them and brood over them. They are not worthwhile. Let them go.


That little hurt you got from your friend. Perhaps it wasn't intended, perhaps it was, but never mind, let it go. Refuse to think about it.


LET GO that feeling of hatred you have for anothet, the jealousy, the envy, the malice. LET GO all such thoughts. Sweep them out of your mind, and you will be surprised what a cleansing and rejuvenationg effect it will have upon you, both physically and mentally. Let them all go ; you house them at deadly risk.


But the big troubles, the bitter disappointments, the deep wrongs, and the heartbreaking sorrows, tragedies of life, what about them? What just let them go, too? Drop them, softly maybe, but surely. Put away all regret and bitterness, and let sorrow be only a softening influence. Yes, let them go, too, and make the most of the future.


Then, that little pet ailment you have been hanging on to and talking about. LET IT GO. It will be a good riddance. You have treated it royally, but abandon it. Talk about health insteas, and health will come. Quit nursing that pet ailment, and LET IT GO.


It is not hard after once you get used to the habit of it- -LETTING GO of these things. You will find it succh an easy way to get rid of the things that mar and embitter life that you will enjoy letting them go. You will find the world such a beautiful place. You will find it beautiful because you will be free to enjoy it- - free in mind and in body.


Lear to LET GO. As you value health of body and peace of mind. LET GO- just simply LET GO.


The greatest factor in helping us to "LET GO" is to see with the eye of faith that God permits- -if He does not will--thes daily, nay hourly annoyances. If we look at them in the light of eternity, we shall profit by them in this life and in the life to come.

OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS

thats great Darlene

thanks for posting it


i know i hang onto too many negative feelings too

so how the heck is the positive supposed to have enough room to grow


i had glossed over a lot of my bad habits...but swung the door open wide so they could come visit the last week

like a bad party with people you cant stand


time to clean house


i love this journal dar


you are making such a difference


one day at a time

together


:hug: Pengii

Darlene, Glad you like the no guilt day off idea. It's good to get rid of the guilt, even if it's just for one day.

You are doing the right thing by removing triggers from your home. It's no different than asking an alcoholic to buy booze for his family, or a druggie to get painkillers for a family member. Even wellmeaning loved ones can innocently sabotage. If you know that access to the old foods will trigger a response, then don't keep them in the house. Hubby will have to understand or eat in his car!:lil:

I remember GoGetter writing in her journal about having her son lock up his treats in a lock box so she couldn't get them. I think this is a common problem and you've done yourself a great service by identifying it. If only I could lock my snacks away from myself... nobody eats them but me, and they're fairly healthy, but sometimes I can't stop! 8-|

What did hubby say??

Lisrey :spring:

Well just popped int to tell you how my talk with Dan went.

I was so nervous to tell him how I felt about the food being in the house. I just told him how incredible are my friends are here at DT. Told him how you all supported me during my rough time. He asked what rough time, so I told him I had a rough few days. He asked what it was I ate and when I told him his snack foods, he wasn't surprised. Then I told him how I do just fine till i buy his stuff. How it sets me off and that I would rather he didn't have it in the house.
At this point I'm nearly in tears. I felt like I was begging, no, I was begging him to understand. I asked him to bring his junk in as he eats it and not to have it in the house. He could keep it in his car and that would be fine.
As it turns out, I didn't have to beg at all. He understood and was completely supportive. He says he only wants it when he craves it. When I buy those big packs, he just eats them cause they're there.
So, he's going to buy his stuff when he needs it and keep it well away from me. God, what a relief. Now I just have to deal with TOM. I think if I make Monica's deserts just before I'm due to start my cravings I may just be ok. All this plus my guilt free day and I'm bound to succeed.

So, that's all for now. Boy do I feel better.

Darlene :bfly:

I am so happy you are feeling better and your talk with hubby went so well - I make mine keep his junk food in his car as well lol :)

You CAN do this!!!! :rose:

Jade

Darlene,
That was super that your hubby understood and is being supportive. That means so much!! I wish sometimes my hubby would understand but he is so selfish and only thinks of himself. When I ask him to cease buying all the junk food. His response was " I am not the one with the problem and you will have to deal with it! After all you don't expect me to starve." In the past that would have sent me over to a huge binge. Not now. He is right it is my problem and I sure don't expect any help from him.

So I deal with my weight problem on my own. When I do the grocery shopping I do not buy him any junk food. He has to go get it himself. Just like cigarettes. I also refuse to buy cigarettes for anyone. I quit smoking 8 years ago and I also won't allow smoke in the house. I don't care who it is no one smokes in my house.

I am very happy for you that your hubby is so willing to help. What a sweet guy you have there. Too cool!!

Okay I am off to do something!!!

Have a super day!
Love and hugs,
Lizzie

I'd like to answer two questions tonight.
#1- How have I not acted sane and balaced in responding to the need of my family or in my everyday behavior due to food?

#2-In what ways have I overreacted to slight provocations while ignoring the real issues of my life?


Well, let's see, Food has caused me to act totaly insane. Such behavior as stealing (food) hiding sneeking, doing unhealthy things like eating off the floor, hiding food in the dirty places because someone is coming. I have been irritable to others because I can't have have my food, or I get angry if they don't hurry up and leave so i can eat in peace, or in hiding really.
I have always been more comforable with food than with people.

Ok, for #2, I guess I can be set off by the slightest thing if I'm having withdrawls. It is truely withdrawls. The same as any other addiction. I get moody. I snap and I expect everyone to read my mind and have everything done before I can thing to "ask" for it to be done. I don't ask, I tell, or yell. I take all my problems out on others. Others being my family. I wouldn't dream of being like that with outsiders.

I have come to see that I have to change. I can't continue to treat my family this way. It's unfair to them. This is my problem not theirs. They don't deserve this treatment. If I keep treating them like this, I will push them away and possibly drive them to an addiction too. Thus continuing the cycle.

I have decided to give up my will power struggle. I have tried to have the "will" to diet and control my eating. This has proven unsuccess full every time. So, I give up. I think it's time I let someone else be in charge of the situation. A higher power. I choose God. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not a bible thumper or anything. I believe in God, but I don't even attend church. The idea is I just want "someone" else to have a will bigger than mine. I figure if I hand over my will and let "God" to with me, my time and my day what ever he wants, I'm sure I will succeed. I know he wants what is best and that is to be as healthy as i can be. I hope this makes sence to you all. I know it does to me.
I have proven over and over that my will is strong. I will myself to eat. I choose to be compulsive with my food. Now I choose not to have that choise anymore.

well, that's all for tonight.

Darlene :bfly:

Hi Darlene,

Wow, that last post of yours threw me for a loop. I have to admit it. I don't know exactly how to respond.

I guess it's like everything else. To each his own. If you feel and BELIEVE that will help you, then maybe it will. But even I was taught that God helps those that help themselves. So the largest part of the burden is still yours to take care of.

Maybe for you it will prove otherwise. Regardless, I would still wish you all the best. And that's because I think you're a dear person and I want to see you happy and confident with yourself and I want you to see and enjoy the success of reaching your goal weight. So whatever method you choose, and that works for you, that's more than fine with me.

Take care now.
Enjoy!~Enjoy!

Sandie :)

Hi Sandie,

I guess this theory could throw you for a loop. :laugh: but to clarify, this is from a 12 step program like AA. AA, and many others have these 12 steps one of them being, "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

I figured if this could work for millions of people like alcoholics, drug addicts and compulsive overeaters, then maybe it could work for me.

I have their work book, so I'm going to try to do some of them here in my journal.

I do know that it is up to me to carrie out "His" will. So I do have responciblility for my actions too. I guess it's like looking at something through a prisum or a kalidiscope. There are so many ways to see it. I just need to try a new way cause my old way wasn't working.

I hope you see what I mean. You may not agree, but that's ok. I just need to try.

Always,

Darlene :bfly:

Chumlette- Thank you so much. You know I was trying to remember that song for so long cause I always thought it was cute. I never thought of looking it up on the net. Stupid moi.
Hehehehe, you are so funny- still like Dr. pepper, That's cute:) Actually, I prefer the Doc too over Faygo. have you tried the diet version on Dr. pepper? if you have, is it any good?

Well, thanks again.

Darlene :bfly:

I agree that if a higher power can help millions over come a drinking addiction then why would "he" not help us overcome our eating addiction :)

I hope you enjoy your holiday weekend :)

Jade

HOW DO I DEFINE THAT HIGHER POWER?

I guess to me a higher power is God, although it doesn't have to b for anyone else. A HP can be a rock, tree or what ever else you choose.

I believe that my HP can restore the sanity I've longed for. Sanity regarding food and in my wacky life. I believe if I make the choise to turn over my verystrong will to self destruct over to my HP, and humbly ask to do his will instead of mine, I can have some peace in my life. How does this really work? I don't know, but I know it does. This was the only way I was EVER able to lose any weight. I lost 104 lbs. I gained most back due to pregnancy and takeing back my own stubborn self destructive will.

My HP is compasionate, forgiving, strong, understands all, and is always there no matter what. I know when I did this before and believed in a higher power, the weirdest thing happened, I didn't feel like I needed to be controling everything regarding my food. I could relax and not stress about it. I was not in the driver seat watching for obsticals I may encounter, I was in the passenger seat enjoying the ride, watching the view, and still getting to the same destination as if I were in the drivers seat. Much less frustrating. I don't know if that's the way it'll be this time, but I really liked the person i was then. I never new that "I" would be any different, I just thought that my eating would be different. What a bonus it was. I hope I can have that again.

It has been mentioned that "God helps thoughs who help themselves" This is very true. I have asked "GOD" or my HP to remove my weight, make me skinny. If I were skinny, all my problems would disapear. Why hasn't God taken away my fat?
I am not asking for a mirical and to wake with Barbie's body, I am willing to do the work that my HP's will tells me to do.
If I start yelling my fool head off at my children, is that my HP's will? I'll bet not. There is probobly a better solution that won't cause me any more stress then I need have already. Don't get me wrong, my children will still need disipline, but rather that me lose my cool and fly off the handel, I could calmly deal with things rationaly- sanely.

It is very scary to try to change my whole way of thinking. I already have my thoughts about my weight, weight loss, God and how they fit or don't fit together. I had a very hard time seeing them come together. One never had anything to do with the other. Now, they are starting to blend. I just keep thinking, Nothing else has ever workek for me, I know this has once before, so, why not give it a go again?

Have a great weekend. :peace:

Darlene :bfly:

Jade- thanks for the vote of confidence. :hug:

Darlene :bfly:

Fleur, I think you made a huge leap forward in your fight against the food when you said:

Originally posted by fleureange
I have come to see that I have to change. I can't continue to treat my family this way. It's unfair to them. This is my problem not theirs. They don't deserve this treatment. If I keep treating them like this, I will push them away and possibly drive them to an addiction too. Thus continuing the cycle.


You are doing some amazing things in this journal, and you are truly growing!!!! I think you should allow yourself to take the credit for all the progress I know you're going to make, because you are gathering strength, and YOU are doing it! :up:

Lisrey :D

Fleur, way to go. All 12 step programs, whether alcohol, drugs, food,etc. begin with being powerless over their addiction and acknowleging the belief in a higher power that can help. Congratulations for finding and listening to yours.:hug: :hug: :hug:

You are such a blessing to me :)
Your posts these past few days have spoken to me so very deeply and I thank you so much for being willing to share this with all of us :rose:

This same "thought" patteren can be used in any area of life and I for one am adopting it also........ :)

Kinda on a silly note here - many years ago I knew this lady who lost well over 100 lbs, and when she was asked how she said that every time she wanted something that was not good for her, or she wanted to go back for seconds she just gave it to God.
Now she meant she GAVE it to God. She would offer it up in her prayers and give it to him. As she went on to explain how could she then eat it after giving it to God, that would be like taking it back. This worked very well for her - I however will not try this - I could see me now - oh Lord, ah I changed my mind - hmmmm hows about giving me back just one bite of that choc. cake? lol No I know myself too well to try this one - but it is a good thought for a person who feels they could do it :)

You posted that you lost 104 lbs. before doing this - so do not let anyone tell you it will/can not work for you - You and God CAN do this!!!!!!!

PS: I hope I did not offend you by using word God - he is my Lord and God and I call him by that name :)

Jade

Darlene,

I read your post ....... MY FRIEND YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH .... you have lost 20 POUNDS.

I know how frustrating it can be; and it is so easy to say BE PATIENT ..... and I know what it is like to think WHY .... it should come off BECAUSE I AM DOING EVERYTHING I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ..... but that is when WE HAVE TO BECOME MORE DETERMINED .....

I say this with love YOU ARE GOING TO GET THERE .... AND YOU WILL LEARN ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW SO THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.

I may be wrong .... but it isn't the losing weight that is hard .. IT IS BECAUSE WE ARE HARD ON OURSELVES WHILE WE ARE LOSING WEIGHT.

Keep writing, keep posting AS YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE NOT ALONE; we say it in different ways BUT WE ALL FEEL THE SAME.

Take care .... make it a great day. As always, Monica

:o I'm sorry Darlene,

I never intended to offend in any way. Possibly I was not understanding what you were saying. I was picturing you saying that god would take care of you, and there you sat eating away whatever you were in the mood for, believing that god would somehow stop you when you reached your limit. I knew darn well, that wasn't going to fly.............hahahhaa.

But you are right also in that you have every right to try whatever you will to reach your goal. And whether I would do it the same way or not, doesn't matter. What works for you is what matters where your weight loss goals are concerned.

You will always have my support and caring, and my best wishes for your complete and total success. Take care now.

:hug:
Sandie

Sandie- I wasen't offended you silly goose. I know it's a hard concept to understand. I can see I had to clarify cause if I came across like the way you put it above, :laugh: no wonder you got the wrong idea. I guess that wouldn't fly! LOL
I mean, God does do miracles, but that would "take the cake" Ha ha- sorry, not funny.
I know this isn't for everyone. This is for me. If someone else can identify, that's great, but I need this for me.

Take care

Darlene :bfly:

Ok, I think something I wrote in here may have been what triggered me to binge a few weeks ago. I'll have to reread and see what I can come up with. off the top, I'm thinking it may have been the higher power thing. It was around that time that I really started struggling. I wonder if I'm rebelling against the idea. I'll admit, since coming off my program, I haven't given it a second thought. I still need to reread to see if maybe there isn't more to it than that.
It will have to wait though, till tomorrow. Hockey comes early.

Night.

Darlene :bfly:

Hi Darlene,

I went back and re-read myself, trying to find what might have caused you so much trouble. I still don't know. Of course I don't. I'm not you, and can't identify whatever it is that you will see and recognize as the starting point.

Whatever it is, I hope you find the cause and will then be able to let it go, and go on with your program. I do know that you can do this.

When I started re-reading, I was at the place where you had binged before, and was feeling such guilt and self loathing, it pained me to read the words. To suffer so much pain because of something you ate. I wish I could help you realize that you are so much more worthy than you give yourself credit for. That you are a necessary part of your family's life. That without you, they too would not be. Whatever you may think of yourself, I do hope that you can stop and realize how important you are to those that love you, and how you have been so much a positive influence in the lives of all family and friends around you. And that you are being more than cruel to yourself to think that you matter so little, or that your life doesn't really count for anything. In the fabric of time that you have existed in, just for a moment stop and think about the huge empty space that would be left had you never been a part of it. And then know finally, deep in your heart, that you do matter. Your life counts for something. And it's a good something too. You are so worth being and staying healthy and well.

I don't know what problems have beset you, but I am certain you have all that you need to overcome them and move on with your life in a positive way.

Be good to yourself my friend. And if you are having trouble right now loving yourself, I'm sure there are so many others that love you right now, that their love will help to hold you until you can find it within yourself to accept it all as your worth and your due.

((((((((( Big Huggies ))))))))))))
Sandie :D

Sandie, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I think I am feeling that way again right now. my hubby and I have not been seeing eye to eye. He has great expectations and i'm not living up to them. Because of that, I really do feel like all the effort, (Yes, it is an effort- he wouldn't think so) is for nothing. I feel like what I feel is me trying to be the best I can be as a house wife, just isn't good enough. He makes me feel like I keep my house like a pig sty. I've mentioned that constructive criticism would be better and he said "F" that, he tired of it and he wants his house clean. I just can't argue or explain. There is no use. And he's right, some things don't get done. To me, there will always be thinks left to clean. These things are a great source of embarracement for him. I've tried the old- - - 'if you want it done, do it yourself'- - - but all i get in return is 'it's my job, he works 7 days a week, I don't work.' blah blah blah. i'm not doing this well enough I'm not keeping up on that. I feel like, well what the hell do I do around here anyway. What do I do with all my time if I'm not cleaning.

Anyway, this is something weighing on me. I read your post and it's like I had just talked to you and there you were with a reply even though you were addressing a past post. I guess somethings just don't change.

I really need my self esteem to climb. I feel so low right now. I have no idea how to handle this. I can't talk to him cause it just comes back to how it's my fault, which wipes out what little self esteem I can build. Counciling is out. He won't go, for one, and we can't afford it. We can afford hockey, or karate, but not counciling.
Well, I really need to go to bed. I'm feeling quite upset right now. Hopeless really. Well, tomorrow is another day.

Darlene :bfly:

Oh my how can I begin here to try to make this post make some sense?

Please bear with me as I attempt this.

First of all I want to post this URL for you. Go to its free self help section. It has been a HUGE help to me. At the risk of sounding like an ad, I will post this information for you.

http://www.circle-of-grace.com/

I am currently taking this course online - A Woman's Power
A guide to reclaiming our power. It costs 10.00 and you can sign up for it here:
http://www.circle-of-grace.com/courses_by_email.htm

The free stuff is here and very very good as well:
http://www.circle-of-grace.com/self_help.htm

This site has helped me re gain my strength in many areas of life.

However the one area that has been the most help for me was the ecourse where I learned to "tune out" other peoples negative talk to me and not allow it to make me sad, upset or any reaction at all.

See I have a very difficult husband BUT I love him and chose not to leave him. However his behavior was really tearing me up inside and out. So I decided to learn how to deal with him ( so to speak ).
After taking some of these course I actually would chuckle when he would start to rant and rave - as I realized what a jerk he sounded like lol It no longer bothered me :)

Any ways I hope this help you and you try the free e course at least.... Please know i am here for you :rose:

Jade

Oh Jade, How can i ever thank you!!!!!
I have not been to the site yet, but sounds like you know exactly how I'm feeling. That in it's self is such a relief to me.
Sounds like you have made progress by leaps and bounds. This tells me there is hope for me too.
Thank you, thank you thank you!

Forever greatful,

Darlene :bfly:

I am so happy my post made sense to you and was able to give you some help :)

Yes, I have finally learned to live my life while NOT being effected by the negtive people and/or actions around me and you can to :)

It can still be rough, but at least 90% of the time I am successful at this :)

Jade

Wow, seems like a life time ago I wrote in here.

Well, lets start with why I'm writing in here again.

I have been wammied. No other way to put it. In this week, I have found out I most likely have an illness, and I'm not to talk about it. I have seen graghic pictures of women 500 lbs+ in bikinis. I have discussed weight loss in general with my client. Been to a chat where everyone was on the move. And watche Oprah, about large women.

All of this together has made me once again motivated to lose weight.

I know I must get rid of this baggage in order to move on with my life.

For now, I will leave the illness out of it since it's a new development and hasn't been the reason for my eating all along.


So, what is really bothering me.

Well, for one thing, My father.

What happened at Thanksgiving (Canada) really stired up the emothions in me.

I'm going to write a letter now to my father. I'll do it to get out what needs to be said. Right or wrong. I need to get it out. Here it goes.



Dad,

I wish you could understand why it took nine years to talk to you again and what it cost me to do it. I was a hurt little girl all those years ago. I need you to know I'm not that little girl any more.

You can no longer walk all over me. You don't have that control over me any more.

I thought maybe nine years would help you to see the error of your ways. I guess not. You haven't learned a thing. Well, I have.

You had no right treating my kids like that. My kids are good kids and you know it. You may feel the need to be in control of everything around you, but you will not control my kids. They were not OUT of control. You demand respect. you always did. But what you never understood is that you can't demand it, you have to earn it. You never eaarned my respect, only fear. Now you have neither. If you do not respect me and my kids, you WILL NOT get any in return.

I wanted so much to get up and leave that day. I wanted to prove to you that I am strong. I don't need you. My anger was so intence that I was unable to move. Be advised, the next may be different.
Again, you don't understand what happend. You see that day as a flex of your muscle. Your control. You looked for validation from others for your actions. You don't understand that a bit of noise form children in a play room is acceptable and that thay have rights just as adults do.
I guess that is my beef, I had rights too as a child. Rights you took away from me.





ok, I think I just came to a root there. unfortunatly, I must go. So, next time, I'll have to pick up from there.

Darlene :hop:

Writing letters is a great way to heal :)

Jade

I hope so Jade. I just kinda do what comes to me here. This journal has no rhyme or reason.



In my last post, I think I learned what just might be the root to my eating.

I have issues with control, or rather not having control, and the fear of bing not in control.

I see now that I took control of my life by eating. It's all I had. Some my choose drugs or alcohol to escape, others may choose not to eat anything at all. And still others may choose to eat and purge they food, all in a bid to have some control in their lives. I had chosen to stuff my face and stuff my pain so I didn't have to feel it. I needed something to blame. I could not accept not being in control so I blamed my weight which I created for the reason for being unhappy. Really, I was unhappy with myself for not being strong enough to take control. Whether or not I could have taken control as a kid, I don't know, but I could have dealt with my feelings differently. I could have accepted the pain and felt it. Instead I eat to numb myself from the pain.

That was the past. Today, I deal with many of the same issues. I fight for control of my life, and when I don't get it, I eat to deal with the frustration of being a passenger and not the driver in my life.
My husband sometimes treats me like a child. I want to take back my control to deal with this. I then have fear. Fear of taking control and the consequences that I may face for standing up to him and taking back my rights. Why do I have such fear?

Am I afraid to be in control really? Have I never had control so am afraid to try? It reminds me of a child who cries and cries to get something they want and when they get it, they cry cause they're afraid of the very thing they wanted in the first place.

Am I like that? I want control. I fight for control. But when it comes to the possibility of having it, I flee?

Could it be that that is why I didn't leave my parents house that day? I fought for control than at the last minute, chickened out?

Then I need an excuse for chickening out, but can't face the truth, so I eat to stuff down the pain of feeling out of control. I was in control but....... I would have left but......... Hmmmm, I wonder.

So, if I'm afraid of taking that control, why is that? Am I afraid of responsibility? We all have many kinds of responsibilities, but could it be that I fear taking responsible for my life? I blame it on others. Isn't it easier that way? Maybe I eat to keep from taking responsibility for my choices. Hmmm, something else to think about.

So, if it all boils down to me being afraid to take responsibility for myself and my choices, my life, what do I do to change that?

How do I overcome my fear, and take charge of me? I can see the taking charge of me, part, but it's the overcoming the fear, that I fear. (If you know what I mean)

if I can over come this fear, that I think I'd be free to feel pain and not rely on food to sedate me.

Well, I have much to think about for now. Feel free to comment or make suggestions. There is much I need to learn and sometimes others can give me a fresh point of view....Thanks.

Darlene :hop:

HI Darlene,
Guess what? I actually understood your post lol - now is that scarey or what lol

In my opinion you are 100% right on the nose!

Having control is rather scarey, but allow me to share with you how I handled it when I was first re gaining control in my life.

Think on all the little things you do every day that you allow someone else to control - such as asking people what they want for dinner that night - what movie they want to watch - just little things like these - stop them! Make the decission for yourself and stick to it and if someone asks you why - say because this is what I wanted.

Do something every day just for YOU! Take a bubble bath, a walk whatever but do it for YOU.

Seems rather silly huh? But in time you will get more comfortable with having control over little things and will be more ready to move on to the bigger areas of your life. Doing things for yourself will help you feel better about you and help you get stronger inside.

Before I post any more let me know if this makes sense first lol

Jade

wow you brought tears to my eyes.i feel like you.i dont understand how all this works either.how do you get of shame i mean really???i think this is a very good idea youy have.very helpful.the hateing your selve thing.whats all this about???so many thoughts we have.seems we try everything but do we really try??????i find it so easy to get over whelmed with it all.thank you for doin this.i will read it always,veryyyyy helpfulllllll

Jade- I'm so glad you understood all that. LOL I just tart writing and things just come to me as I write. Funny how writing helps us to uncover things we had no idea were bothering us.
I see what you mean and I will do just that. Actually, looking back, I think I have already started doing it and didn't even know it.
I think I can take control in other ways too. A biggie for me is making phone calls. If I need to make a call that might make me uncomfortable, such as calling the bank to discuss an error, I get cold feet, put it off, and tell my hubby to do it. I hate making those calls. I need to start with that too.
Thanks for the idea. I'm open to more if you have any.

Sandyl- I'm so glad you find this journal helpful. It's just a way to dig through the crap and get to the real issues. I guess it's like a sliver, if left alone, it will fester and infection sets in. Eventually it the infection/addiction kills. We need to dig out that sliver.

I think it may be helpful for you to try to write about your own issues. It doesn't have to be online, just so long as you start digging. Start anywhere, go anywhere. It doesn't matter as long as you keep moving.

I hope to come back a bit later and post more, but hubby may be around, and I like to do this without interuption. I also don't like him lurking around, makes me feel uncomfortable.

So, till then, have a wonderful day.

Darlene :hop:

Hubby is starting to wake up and like you I do not like to write when he is around lol

However i will return later today or tomorrow and share how I too over came some of these things :)

Jade

That sounds great Jade. Thanks so much.

Hubby is only away for a few minutes, and that is not long enough for me to post in here today. I hope to post tomorrow morning while he's at work.

I've been doing alot of thinking about what I have discovered, and I'm looking forward to journaling it.

Till then,

Darlene :hop:

Hey Darlene, hope you had a good weekend. Does your Dh know abt you in DT? My DH has no idea ... not sure if he would support me in this but during the times when I felt like I wasn't getting the support I needed when it comes to food, I'm glad I had DT to rely on.

China- My hubby knows about the support site I go to, but I don't think he knows it's called DT and I don't want him to know. He is very supportive, but I write my inner most thoughts here and I'm afraid they may hurt or anger him. I doubt he'd understand.
He wants me to lose weight, and he's there to help and support me so I'm lucky there.

Well, I can't stay to post what I really want to, so I'll be back later.

Bye for now.

Darlene :hop:

Ok Hubby is gone off to work now and I feel more free to write.
My hubby knows I come here, and has no problem with it, but I do not allow him to see anything I say here. This is MY time and MY place online.
I don't even allow him on my computer lol - he has his own :)

Any ways getting back to the subject.

I too just can not stand to do things that even have a hint of strife or possible confusion to them. I use to give all these things to do to Tim.

However now I FORCE myself to do them, and today I still do not really enjoy them, but they don't cause me high stress as before.

What I did was I told myself the following as an example - say I had to call the bank.

I would tell myself - who is this person on the phone in my life?
No one really.

Why should I fear/stress over them - they sure won't fear/stress over me.

The second thing I did and it works 99.9% of the time!

They answer the phone and say - hello blah blah bank susan speaking. and I say "hi susan my name is Beth - how are you today?

This blows them away! as i guess they don't get asked that very often and from there the phone calls no matter how involved go very well.

If I have a problem I say something like this - hi susan - I have a problem with my cking. account and I know it's not your fault, but could you please help me settle this?

Again - i think people working in all lines of business get the blame, so when you remove it from them they in turn respond postive to you.

I am always sure to wish them a nice day before I hang up as well.

When I know I am going to be talking to people on a more personal level such as the above example - it no longer gives me stress :)

Hope this helps.....

Jade

Thanks Jade, That sounds easy enough. It should work. The only problem I see is ......

Hubby wants me to order pizza that they sell for $25. He wants me to call them, and get the pizza for only $20. Believe it or not, he can usually do this. I can't.

Also, we have a problem with our power washer. He wants me to get it fixed for free even though the warranty has expired by a few weeks. He wants me to lie or do what ever I have to to get it done.
I know I'm making him out t