This can't be happening! I'm too young to be overweight! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

None of my clothes fit, guys never stare anymore, and when I look in the mirror all I can think about is how fat my face is. This is it. I've had it.

Weight-wise I've been all across the board. At the age of 13 I started having trouble with eating disorders. Now, at the age of 19, I'm past anorexia and bulimia and into plain 'ol compulsive eating. I've gained nearly 50 pounds in the last year.

But I'm not gonna take this anymore. I'm NOT going to be fat. I'm SO PISSED OFF that I have to do something about it RIGHT NOW.

You just watch!

All right, here's my plan of attack and my weight goals.

PLAN OF ATTACK
-Eat 800-1500 calories a day (1000-1200 being ideal)
-Eat healthful foods (low fat, high carbs)
-One to two treats a week are allowed
-Drink 8 glasses of water every day
-Get a minimum of 1 hour of cardio per day
-Do 3 days of jogging per week
-Do 2 days of hiking per week
-Do 2 days of calisthenics per week
-Do 10 minutes of stretching per day
-Do 30 to 50 push-ups every other day
-Take a multivitamin
-NO diet pills, especially ephedra based
-NO drugs, especially amphetamines
-NO smoking

WEIGHT GOALS (major goals are in bold)
149 - In the 140's
144 - Maximum healthy weight for adults of my height
138 - Maximum healthy weight for my age and height (Make by September 3rd, 2003)
129 - In the 120's
123 - Can start ice skating again! (Make by October 29th, 2003)
120 - Low end of healthy weight for my age and height
119 - In the teens
114 - BMI of 19
110 - Underweight for my height
108 - ULTIMATE GOAL!!! (Make by January 1st, 2004)

Hi, welcome to DT. I have a question for you - why do you want to be underweight for your height? Why don't you shoot for 120 which you say is the low end for your height and age. Why don't you shoot for that and then make your next goal to maintain what you've lost?

I wish you luck on all your goals! You've set up quite an exercise schedule for yourself and it will help you to tone while you lose. Good luck to you and let us know how you're doing. :)

Hi Mel! Thanks for the welcome!

In answer to your question, my "natural" weight (without compulsive eating or dieting) is around 102 pounds, so 108 just seemed reasonable to me.

Eating 800-1500 calories with loads of exercise is not the answer.. You eat too low and your body will go into starvation mode holding onto everything thus causing you not too lose.. The key is sensible number of calories vs exercise....I'm 5'2" and the lowest end for my height allowed is 106 and I'm 3" shorter than you.. Please reconsider your weight choice...

Joanne - I will reconsider, but it all depends on what happens when I get "down there" in weight. If my body doesn't seem to want to return to its former state, I won't fight it.

Also, I believe 800 calories is the generally accepted "starvation level" and doctors have told me I can function perfectly well on 1000, thanks to my little bout with anorexia.

As for the exercise - I used to be a figure skater/runner and would usually train for 2-3 hours a day. But if an hour a day feels like overkill in the beginning, I will cut down.

Thank you for your concern!

THE FIRST DAY

I just got my wisdom teeth out; I had to skip breakfast and eat a liquid lunch, so I'm low on calories today - only 867. I need to eat more tomorrow or I'll get too hungry and binge.

I also walked/jogged for an hour on the running trail by my college. I'm really out of shape, but considering that it was the first exercise I'd gotten since January, I didn't do badly at all. I used to love exercise, so once I start to get back in shape it'll be a pleasure rather than torture. In addition to the walking/jogging I did 10 minutes of stretching and 30 push-ups (not all at once - I had to do them 10 at a time).

Overall I'd say I'm off to a solid start!

HEY 108....

I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE! lol.... I too get PISSED off at my fat and lack of willpower to keep evil fattening crap out of my mouth...

I use to joke that I was going to go underweight so that I could have room to eat my way back up to normal... :rofl:

Shoot I am jealous you are 155..... You'll do this, just don't go all crazy with the too low calories and over excessive workout. Only because You have to live with reasonable amounts or you'll just burn out..... I know! I am the :queen: of DIETING...... But NO more...... MODERATION IS THE KEY CHICKLETTE!!!!!

Hello and welcome,

we all struggle with eating disorders of different kinds but thats why were here to help each other,. i agree with max that moderation is the key not deprivation and you will do fine.
i am glad to see you battled your other eating disorder and are looking for a healthy way to lose now.
best wishes to you.

THE SECOND DAY

Wow, thanks for the welcomes, y'all! Geez, there is SO much inspiration here... I'm extremely impressed!

I PROMISE I will keep in mind the things all of you have said to me. I truly have no intention of starving myself or exercising myself to death, and I think I can trust myself not to go completely overboard.

I have come to the conclusion that hating one's fat is definitely not beneficial. As egotistical as it may sound, I think self-love is the only thing that can help me achieve a permanent solution.

I also need to learn to listen to my body - to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, and give myself a rest when I'm tired.

As most of you well know, however, that's not as easy as it sounds! I think changing my mental outlook and breaking the old self-destructive patterns of thought will be the hardest part.

Today I went for an early morning walk/jog and managed to find my stride, so it was far more pleasant than yesterday. I also did my 10 minutes of stretching and a good 40 minutes of gardening.

Breakfast: Medium banana, 1 cup cheerios, water.
Snack: A big pineapple juice popsicle! Yum!
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup, 1 large battered fish fillet, 1 cup skim milk.
Snack: A bunch of baby carrots.
Dinner: A pork chop, corn, and a big glass of 2% milk.
Dessert: ICE CREAM CAKE for my mom's birthday! Woo-hoo!

TOTAL CALORIES: 1475

Hi 108
Good luck with your plan of attack. You seem to have a long list of goals to meet, I hope meeting them head on will be successful to you.
Take care
Ellie

Hi 108! Glad you found DT!

I'm with ya...it is so hard to change the mental associations we have with food and with exercise. That is, by far, my greatest challenge. Well, THAT and staying away from frosting. Pffft.

Anyway, good luck. DT can be a great place to get support and advice. I am surprised how many friends I've made here. Hopefully, you'll get something great out of it too.

I wouldn't be a DTer if I didn't offer completely unsolicited advice to you before I close (hahaha): find the plan that's right for you and that keeps your health in good shape, both physically and mentally; keep your sense of humor; be flexible in your goals and your approaches; and make sure you keep your head on straight. If you do those things, you'll definitely be successful.

Losing weight is hard as hell, but it is a great group here and I hope you like it!

Take care! :2 :tongue:

THE THIRD DAY

Ellie - thanks! I wish you success as well. As for that long list of goals... I'm worried that it may be too much at once. I might end up cutting down.

Chumlette - Yah, looks like we're in the same boat as far as mental associations go. I don't even know how to start! Today I had exercised and eaten well - I felt great - then I looked in the mirror, and BOOM! The good mood disappeared instantly. How are we supposed to stop that sort of thing?

Thanks for the advice - solicited or no. ;) I can always use advice!

-------------------------------------
I counted the days from my starting date to my final goal and there were exactly 190. This means I have to lose about 1.7 pounds every week, which makes me a little scared because to do that I'll have to eat 500 fewer calories and burn 500 more calories EVERY DAY. It seems like such a lot!

I skipped stretching today since my poor unflexible muscles needed a rest, but I did an hour of gardening, 30 push-ups, and an hour of calisthenics. By "calisthenics" I mean jogging in place, jumping jacks, and ice skating exercises interspersed with lunges and crunches. I only have to do 2 days of calisthenics per week, but it's my least favorite type of exercise. When I get down to 123 pounds I'll replace calisthenics with ice skating, but 123 pounds seems like such a long ways away...

Today's Food:
Breakfast: 1 cup honey-nut cheerios, 1 whole peach, and a handfull of strawberries from my own strawberry patch!
Snack: 1 cup pineapple chunks
Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lots of lettuce and NO mayo (I HATE mayo with tuna, it totally grosses me out. My tuna sandwiches are always plain.) plus 1 cup 2% milk (We're out of skim!) and one whole raw tomato.
Snack: Grahm crackers with 1 cup 2% milk and some dill pickle slices.
Dinner: 1/2 BLT sandwich and 1 large glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1293

THE FOURTH DAY

It was awful. I was doing great - I went on a fabulous hike and when I got back, not even the reflection in the mirror could ruin my mood. I had a large but healthy lunch, did some housework, then took a nap.

I woke up it was 6:00 PM and I was absolutely ravenous. I ate everything in sight, I can't even begin to count the calories.

And I thought I was so determined... What happened to the resolve I had just a few hours earlier?

Hi 108
who ever said losing weight was easy?
This is how I see it from my perspective, this is not a "YOU MUST DO" post.
What led to the weight gain, unhealthy eating, lack of exercise ?
If you know the answer to that maybe that will help you find the solution to your problems.
If it's lack of exercise, obviously you have to do more, but if it's bad eating habits, it's a good thing while you're young to establish a healthier way to eat for the rest of your life, know which foods to moderate and which foods to avoid.
I think your brain needs to be told it's eating a decent meal, could you have made a tuna pasta salad ( just an idea) rather than half a sandwich.
Like I said it's just the way I see it, I am not telling you how to do things.
Good luck
Ellie

Thanks for your reply, Ellie. :)

It was a combination of things that led to the weight gain. First of all, even when I was thin I was never very happy with my weight. I would try to lose weight by starving myself for a few days, then I would give up and binge. That's when the unhealthy habits got started.

This last year it has been a combination of emotional eating, a terrible habit of junk-food binges, and then feeling "too fat" or too depressed to exercise. It's the typical vicious cycle.

I found out something great though: I tried to estimate all the stuff I ate last night, and it turns out that I still burned a few more calories than I ate!

I hadn't realized how many calories I was burning yesterday, with my hiking, stretching, gardening, and floor-scrubbing. All in all I burned nearly 800 extra calories, which is 300 over my planned maximum, so I DEFINITELY should've eaten an extra 300 calories somewhere!

I've learned an important lesson: PAY ATTENTION to the calories I burn and eat accordingly!

THE FIFTH DAY

Thanks, QV! :) Now's the hard part: following through!

You know what the great thing about eating healthy food is? You start to REALLY taste everything. Honey nut cheerios seem like a real treat, plain tuna fish is downright delicious, and fresh strawberries are absolutely heavenly!

Well, there's 5 days down and 185 left until my deadline, which means I'm 1/38th of the way through! Eeek! I'm already freaking out... I was looking forward to my weigh-in on Wednesday, but since I binged yesterday I'm dreading it now.

For exercise today I worked in the garden for an hour, went on another strenuous hour-long hike, did my 10 minutes of stretching and 30 (non-consecutive) push-ups.

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey-nut cheerios.
Snack: Fresh strawberries.
Lunch: A flour tortilla with american cheese, 1/2 cup of salsa to dip it in (I LOOOOVE salsa and use a ton of it!), and 1 cup of skim milk.
Snack: None. My jaw was really hurting me and I knew we were having an early dinner anyway.
Dinner: A small steak, some fried potatoes with ketchup, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1194

I kept well within my calorie limit today, but I had too much fat and not enough fruits and veggies. Oh well, there's always tomorrow! :)

hello! i just wanted to pop in and say that i too am young, fat and pissed off about it :) your menu for your third day sounded both yummy and healthy. even tho you binged, it really doesn't matter in the long run. sometimes i find that a nice binge even gets me off a plateau (strange, huh?)
good luck losing weight!

THE SIXTH DAY

I think I'm starting to see the light.

I should eat healthy foods not to lose weight but to nourish myself, provide my body with proper fuel, boost my energy, and fight disease.

I should exercise not to burn calories but to strengthen my heart and lungs, build muscle mass, increase my cardiorespiratory endurance, and lengthen my lifespan.

When I look in the mirror I should judge myself not by the amount of fat on my body but by the beauty and strength of my character.

Today I went for an hour-long walk/jog, cleaned house for 45 minutes, gardened for 20 minutes, and did 10 minutes of stretching.

TODAY'S FOODS
Breakfast: 1 medium banana and a piece of peanut butter toast.
Snack: None (I had a really late breakfast)
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup made with water, crackers, a fish fillet with a ton of ketchup, and 1 cup of skim milk.
Snack: None (I had a really late lunch)
Dinner: Fried rice with meat and vegetables plus a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1204

I'm upping my minimum intake to 1000 calories. With all this exercise, nothing under that could possibly be sufficient.

Just like yesterday I was good with the calories but bad with the fruits and veggies - mostly because I skipped snacks. I'll do better tomorrow, I promise. :)

I think you're figuring this out, 108. Good for you!

You sound like you've got a really good head on your shoulders 108. Good for you. Day by day you'll figure out more...

THE SEVENTH DAY

Thanks guys!

Well, today was weigh-in day, and guess what? I'm down SEVEN POUNDS!!! I call the weight you lose in the first week "food weight" because you just plain have less food in your system... but that still doesn't account for seven whole pounds!!!

I know that whatever I lose from here on out will probably be pure fat. If I lose more than 4 more pounds by my next weigh-in day, I'm definitely gonna up my calories. I don't wanna lose too fast, because I know for a fact that it's an invitation to disaster.

I was so motivated by the weight loss that I put in a ton of exercise today. I did a consecutive hour of calisthenics (jogging in place, jumping jacks, ice skating exercises, crunches, and lunges), an hour of gardening, 25 minutes of biking, 10 minutes of stretching and 30 push-ups.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey nut cheerios.
Snack: A bunch of baby carrots.
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup prepared with water, 1 piece of peanut butter toast (yum!), and a cup of skim milk.
Snack: 1/2 cup apple sauce.
Dinner: A medium-sized helping of lasagna, a big piece of garlic bread, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1314

THE EIGHTH DAY

I jogged my entire hour this morning with no walking breaks. I nearly died, but I did it. I'm starting to suffer from "chub rub," which is when the skin under your arms chafes from rubbing against your sweaty body when you exercise.

While jogging I was approached by an absolutely gorgeous runner-type hunk. Naturally, I ran out of interesting things to say in about 10 seconds and he sped off.

In addition to the jogging I also did my 10 minutes of stretching and a half-hour of gardening.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey-nut cheerios.
Snack: A bunch of baby carrots.
Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lettuce, 1 cup skim milk.
Snack: 1 cup pineapple chunks.
Dinner: Beef & beer sauce on rice, 1 cup cantaloupe chunks, and a big glass of 2% milk.
Dessert: A "healthy choice" ice cream bar (only 100 calories/1 gram of fat, and they taste great!)

TOTAL CALORIES: 1303

HELP! THE BINGE MONSTER IS OUT TO GET ME!!!!

I want to eat, and I don't want to stop. I want to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat some more. I want to eat forever.

Just a few minutes ago I was feeling happy and contented. I had a good day. I even had dessert. My calories were good, my exercise was good, I felt satiated and happy. I was going to get up, do my homework, brush my teeth and go to bed.

Now I want to binge, binge, binge. I want cookies and cake, ice cream and candy. I want to eat the super-sized bag of doritos that I know is sitting right inside the cupboard. I'm afraid that if I get up from my computer, I'll do just that.

Help. I don't know how to fight it.

*Whew!*

Posting that helped. The urge isn't so strong any more.

I think I want another "happy face" on my calendar more than I want the doritos.

Good job on avoiding the binge! You've discovered my approach - whenever it hits me, I log onto DT! My journal just keeps getting longer and longer....and there are random comments I stick into other folk's journals too....all to keep myself on track! Thank goodness you've discovered this place. It's a life saver!
Good luck with your plan. It sounds like you've found something that will work for you and make you feel super! :wave:

THE NINTH DAY

Thank you, QV and Badger! I am SOOO proud of myself! I can't even remember the last time I fought the urge to binge and WON! Usually my binges are completely inevitable - I can't even think "stop" because my entire brain is playing the broken record of "eat, eat, eat."

I binge regardless of hunger. It doesn't matter what I've eaten that day. I think I need to learn to distinguish between "stomach hungry" and "head hungry" and maybe even between the different kinds of head hungry: angry-hungry, sad-hungry, lonely-hungry, etc.

QV - I always listen to - & appreciate - advice. I take it in, consider it, and think about it. However, I'm one of those people who won't usually make a change until I learn it for myself.

Oh and peanut butter? I'll bet you anything the gods are up there sipping Ambrosia tea just to wash down their big PB&J sandwiches! I LIVE for peanut butter!!!!!!

Well, today I jogged the entire hour straight again, and it wasn't nearly as hard as it seemed yesterday! It was hot out and I wore a tank top, which was great because it exposed my skin to the air so my sweat could cool me down. This might sound gross to some people, but I really love to sweat! It lets me know I'm working hard. Afterwards my back was all wet and glisteny, which put a big satisfied grin on my face. In addition to jogging I also did my stretching, my push-ups, and 25 minutes of pretty vigorous biking.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 cup bing cherries (YUM!) and 1 piece peanut butter toast (double yum!).
Snack: Baby carrots.
Lunch: A flour tortilla with cheese, a TON of salsa (salsa should count as a vegetable, dammit!), and 1 cup of skim milk.
Snack: 1 cup pineapple chunks.
Dinner: Beef & beer sauce on rice (leftover, but still delicious), a big piece of garlic bread, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1283

THE TENTH DAY

Hey, the tenth day! That means I'm 1/19th of the way to my goal deadline! Eep!

Today I made a list of my major fitness goals. Here they are:

1) Lose 47 lbs.
2) Get my mile time under 6 minutes.
3) Be able to do 50 consecutive push-ups.
4) Make healthy eating a life habit.
5) Make daily exercise a life habit.
6) Become flexible enough to do the back-to-front splits.
7) Learn to control binges and eliminate them forever.
8) Start ice skating again!

I'm happy to say that right now at this very moment I've got a good start on every damn item you see there!

In other news... it's That Time of Month. On the first day I always get this awful, painful, bloated feeling in my abdomen, but I went hiking anyway, and guess what? It helped a LOT!!! In addition to the hour of hiking I also spent 35 minutes cleaning the chicken coops, 40 minutes of gardening, and my usual 10 minutes of stretching.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 cup bing cherries, a bowl of 1/2 cup cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk and sliced strawberries on top.
Snack: 3/4 cup pineapple chunks.
Lunch: 1 slice peanut butter toast, 1 cup skim milk.
Snack: 1 medium-large banana.
Dinner: A home-grilled cheeseburger with catsup, tomatoes, lettuce, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1259

THE ELEVENTH DAY

One of the bad things about living at home is that it limits my menu a LOT. I can't let my parents know I'm dieting or they'll freak out thinking I've gone anorexic again. All my healthy eating and exercise is a secret.

Here's a list of all the things I'd do were I living on my own:

- Eliminate red meat from my diet and eat only fish and chicken.
- Drink only skim milk.
- Buy a ton of various fresh fruits and veggies.
- Constantly experiment with different things.
- Eat brown rice instead of white.
- Cook food in less fat & oil.
- Learn how to cook healthy, low-fat, highly nutritious meals.
- Get low-fat/low-calorie dressings.
- Eat only whole wheat bread
- Don't buy much processed food.
- Always have nonfat yogurt on hand.
- Season things with herbs & spices instead of fatty stuff.

For exercise today I did an hour of calisthenics, 25 minutes of vigorous biking, 30 push-ups, and my usual stretching. The calisthenics weren't bad at all today; in fact, I rather enjoyed them! I've had an amazing amount of energy lately & have been fidgeting around wanting to do stuff. Oh, and I made progress on the push-ups! I did my usual 30, but instead of doing 3 sets of 10 I managed one set of 10 and one set of 20! I guess I'll have to up the number to 40 soon!

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey nut cheerios.
Snack: 1/2 container nonfat yogurt.
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup, soda crackers, and 1 cup of skim milk.
Snack: 1/2 container of nonfat yogurt.
Dinner: Tostada sandwich with ground beef, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, miracle whip, salsa, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1241

THE TWELFTH DAY

Not much time to talk right now...

I did another hour of calisthenics today, and I was actually SORRY when it was over!!! How bizarre is that? In just a couple weeks it's gone from being torture to being fun and easy!!! In addition to the calisthenics I went on a 25-minute bike ride, did my 10 minutes of stretching, cleaned house for 20 minutes, and cleaned my car (inside and out) for an hour and a half.

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: 1 cup cantaloupe chunks, 1 piece peanut butter toast.
Snack: Baby carrots.
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup, soda crackers, 3/4 cup cantaloupe chunks, and 1 cup of 2% milk (we're out of skim again).
Snack: A BIG (8 oz.) pineapple juice popsicle.
Dinner: LOTS of halibut (YUM!), a little rice with soy sauce, lots of green beans, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1436

THE THIRTEENTH DAY

I've been consciously trying to think good things when I look in the mirror. I figure maybe, if I make a point of thinking positive thoughts when I see myself, eventually it will percolate into my unconscious mind and I'll stop getting that immediate "ugh" feeling every time I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

So what positive things do I see? Let's start out with the physical stuff. Let's see... I have lovely red hair and beautiful blue-green eyes. I have great quads, biceps, and abs - hidden under a layer of fat, but great nonetheless. I can feel them. Oh yeah, and I really like my back muscles too. And my shoulders. And my pecs. And my calves.

What about the non-physical stuff? Well, I'm smart. I'm capable. I'm a excellent problem solver. I'm goal-oriented. I perfer to work independently but I can also work well in groups. I even make a good leader. I like to be challenged. Once I've got my mind set, nothing can stop me.

Ok, I think that's all for now. LOL. :)

For exercise I did an hour of jogging. The first mile was torture for some reason, but after that it was just fine! I jogged in the heat of the day and got wonderfully sweaty. I also sprinted the last 1/4 mile! In addition to jogging I did 40 minutes of gardening, my usual stretching, and 40 push-ups (1 set of 20 and 2 sets of 10).

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey-nut cheerios.
Snack: 1/2 cup apple sauce.
Lunch: 1 hashbrown patty with ketchup, a little bit of leftover halibut, and 1 cup of skim milk.
Snack: 2 pieces of watermellon! MMMMM!!!
Dinner: Spaghetti with meat sauce, garlic bread, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1288

Tomorrow is weigh-in day... I'm a little apprehensive, although I should have nothing to fear. I had a fantastic week - I kept under my calorie limit and exercised every day!

THE FOURTEENTH DAY

I weighed in this morning, and I'm down exactly 4 lbs. from last week. I should be thrilled but I'm not.

I was feeling great until last night. Then, for practically no reason, I just laid down on my bed and cried for hours. I'm crying again now and I don't know why. I feel hungry, but not stomach-hungry. I just want to eat something because I know it will make me stop feeling so sad and hopeless and lonely.

I have lots of nervous energy, but I don't feel like doing anything. I can't even stretch because I strained my leg yesterday.

I'm stressed out because I have a big Algebra test tomorrow. I was doing absolutely great up until a couple days ago, but now I don't understand ANY of the new material and the test is tomorrow morning. I just feel stunted and frustrated and alone. This stuff should be super-easy for me, but it's not.

I'm just tired of dealing with life in general. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay down and cry some more.

But I'm NOT going to eat.

THE FOURTEENTH DAY - PART II

Well, I did. I binged. Around 3,700 calories today.

Hi 108. Another round of unsolicited advice here: I think the binge came on because you're just not eating enough! You sound like a smart, healthy, energetic young woman. I'm so proud of you for working on those negative thoughts.

Just think, if you'd had just a few more calories each day, you still would have lost weight. And you could have avoided this binge and been further ahead.

Don't let it get to you, in any event. This is a life-plan that you're working on, not a quick-fix. And you'll get there. I can tell!

hi my name is charles and i have been thru what you are going thru right now. i don't want to come out and tell you to do one thing or another but i want to offer you my help if you want it.
i know that i can help you.

talk to you soon
charles


Originally posted by 108
This can't be happening! I'm too young to be overweight! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

None of my clothes fit, guys never stare anymore, and when I look in the mirror all I can think about is how fat my face is. This is it. I've had it.

Weight-wise I've been all across the board. At the age of 13 I started having trouble with eating disorders. Now, at the age of 19, I'm past anorexia and bulimia and into plain 'ol compulsive eating. I've gained nearly 50 pounds in the last year.

But I'm not gonna take this anymore. I'm NOT going to be fat. I'm SO PISSED OFF that I have to do something about it RIGHT NOW.

You just watch!

Hi.

No unsolicited advice. hahaha No bloody way. I've been in your position too many times...and have binged OVER 3700, if you can believe it (just ask anyone about my love for canned frosting...ugh).

BUT!!! Get back on the horse, 108. Move past it and GET BACK WITH YOUR PROGRAM. You've been doing amazingly well -- keeping your calories up, eating healthy foods, keeping your head on straight and keeping an eye out for any eating disordered behaviors..you know that! This was a little set back but nothing permanent. YOU CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS and YOU CONTROL HOW YOU DEAL WITH SETBACKS. Don't let this freak you out too much.

I'll share something intensely personal and way too Homer-esque for a savvy, intelligent woman, such as me. I have cried and been mad and freaked out repeatedly (humiliating as it is to admit) over not being able to eat sugar on my food plan. But somehow, I stop eventually, then get up, look at my fat ass in the mirror and keep up with it. (I'm a sugar hog, as you might imagine. No normal person would cry over missing their Mister Softee, I don't think...LOL)

Seriously, change is hard. And, I think you are around 19, and my guess is that this isn't the only change happening for you. I am change-averse myself (just ask any of my buds here at DT, or read my journal for a taste) and I know that even changing for the GOOD can be traumatic and scary. But I also know that we will get through it.

You are smart enough to know that, though. At least, that's what I think.

Oh and why in the hell are you taking algebra? Ack. Flashback! Flashback! Post Traumatic Math Disorder here!!! Evil, evil, evil.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I sympathize. And if I can help, let me know!

THE FIFTEENTH DAY

There's only one thing I have to do to succeed: keep trying. That's it. That's all it will take. Just keep trying. And that's exactly what I'll do.

Yesterday is history; today was a new day and I lived it beautifully! I aced my algebra test, exercised, and ate well.

********************

Kilogo - What encouraging words! That was exactly what I needed to hear. You may be right about the low calories, but I haven't learned my lesson yet since neither of my binges occurred when I was actually stomach-hungry. Thank you for the boost of assurance!

Charles - It's comforting to know that someone else has been through the same stuff and survived it. Thank you for your offer and your sympathy. I did check out your website.

Chumlette - Oh lord, canned frosting... I can feel a dreamy expression crossing my face at the very thought! My favorite flavors are lemon, caramel, and french vanilla. I'm no stranger to Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker!!! I eat - no, I USED to eat (gotta use past tense!) - that stuff by the spoonful. And don't even get me started about oreos, potato chips, ice cream or cinnamon rolls!

Thank you so much for sharing that personal ("Homer-esque") bit of info with me. It means a lot, especially because - *gulp* - I can relate. In the past I have, on many, many occasions, broken into pathetic sobs at the thought of going without my beloved cakes and candies. Soon I would give up in tears and binge to my heart's content. It seemed like a no-win situation: Fat is miserable because you're fat and thin is miserable because you can't eat what you want.

I'm still torn about it, but there HAS to be a solution. Do you think it's possible that there will come a time where stuffing our faces with sweets will no longer appeal to us? I'd like very much to believe that, but it sounds too good to be true.

********************

Well, I'm working on a plan of counter-attack for binges. Here's what I've got so far:

Step 1) Write down how I feel whenever I want to binge
Step 2) List possible reasons for why I feel that way
Step 3) Create a plan of attack to eliminate those feelings
Step 4) Follow the plan

For example, I think last night's binge was mostly caused by stress. I had 5 hours in which to do my exercise, shower, understand my math, do the homework, and study. Which would have been OK except that we were having a really late supper that night and I knew I would get hungry soon. I can't concentrate when I'm hungry and knew I wouldn't be able to get any homework done until after supper, but then I wouldn't have enough time. So I just freaked out and binged. What I SHOULD'VE done was PRIORITIZED. I should've scratched the exercise, taken a quick shower, had a snack, and started in on the math.

Today I'm back on track... I've picked myself up and gotten right back in the saddle. Hopefully next time I'll be better prepared and won't fall so easily.

I did an hour of jogging this morning, which was amazingly pleasant and easy. I've only been doing it for 2 weeks but I've improved so much already! I also went for a bike ride, stretched, and did 40 push-ups.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: none (was still full from last night's binge)
Snack: 1.5 cups watermelon chunks
Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lettuce & 1 cup skim milk
Snack: fat-free yogurt and 1 cup watermelon chunks
Dinner: A bowl of beef, potato and vegetable stew and a big glass of 2% milk
Dessert: 1 cup watermelon chunks

TOTAL CALORIES: 970

I'm awfully low on calories today, but I think that's understandable after a big binge.

Hey girl. Glad to see you on the upswing...now let's see those calories on the upswing as well.

I too wonder if I will ever not want to stuff my face with ridiculous sweets. I've been doing the SBD thing for a few weeks now, with hopes that it would cure me of the cravings. Truthfully, it hasn't cured me yet, though it did help others who weren't as addicted as me. I'm like you though, still hopeful, that eventually I won't think about it 24/7.

No chocolate on that frosting list??? Poor, poor girl. Though I love the white icing too, my favorite drug was chocolate walnut.

Sigh.

Your plan to keep from binging is sound, I think. I got some professional help at one time with this issue and one of the steps that helped me at first, until I could stop them altogether, was binging on healthy food instead of crap. I could eat watermelon or something until I was ill, but no junk. Damn. YOU try to binge on watermelon. As tasty as it is, it ain't Lay's. It really helped me control it while I worked on the emotional issues (which I am still working on, thank you very much...pffft).

Have a good day today and way to go on the algebra test!

Congrats on the aced algebra test! I must disagree with Chum here -- I love math. Math is reliable, logical, and predictable. Wonderful, math is.

But whether you like it or hate it, I'm happy that you aced your test.

I like how you rationally try to deal with your problems, too. Your anti-binge stress list is good. Key is to remember to DO IT, of course.

What distances are you running? A 6 minute mile is fast, wow. That's faster than I will ever run. Heck, I'm happy to get in under 10 minutes/mile.

I do believe that you will stop craving the sweets (chum too) and that it will come naturally as a part of your healthy eating lifestyle.

I do hope you up your calories today. No reason not to, right?

THE SIXTEENTH DAY

I did a double dose of exercise today to make up for Tuesday's lack. My mom and sister are going to be gone until next Tuesday, so I may do another Double-Whammy Day or two to make up for the calories I consumed. Let's see if I can't lose another 4 lbs this week!

Do you guys ever plan what you'll do when you reach goal? I know exactly what I'll do! First I'll go on a big shopping spree. LOL. After that, though, I have my maintenance plan all laid out. It's quite simple, really. I'll stop counting calories, but I'll still eat moderately in response to hunger and I'll make healthy choices. For snacks I'll eat fruit or yogurt instead of chips or cookies. I'll sip water throughout the day, take vitamin pills, and roughly follow the food pyramid. I'll certainly allow myself the occasional treat, but I won't go overboard. MODERATION will be my motto! For exercise I'll ice skate for 1-2 hours 4 days a week, run for 1 hour 2 days a week, and rest 1 day a week.

Now all I have to do is GET there!

********************

Chumlette - Chocolate goes without saying! It's a staple! LOL! Binging on watermelon actually sounds like a damn good idea, but I just don't know if I could do it in the face of that uncontrollable binge drive. Like you said, it just doesn't compare to lay's!

I am actually in therapy right now. I'm there for other issues, but we broached the eating thing the other day so I'm hoping I can get some help in that area as well. What sort of "professional help" were you getting and why did you stop?

Kilogo - Thanks. :) I'm really happy. I don't like math at all - it's DEFINITELY not my thing - but I can do it when I have to.

I don't run yet, I'm just jogging (slowly!) right now - but I generally jog about 5-6 miles in an hour, which is 10-12 minutes per mile. Back in the day my best mile times were in the low five minutes (5.13, I think, was my personal best), but I don't care to get back to that level again. Figure skating is my sport of choice. Running is a little boring if you ask me!

********************

For exercise today I did an hour of jogging, an hour of hiking, 30 minutes of gardening and 10 minutes of stretching. For some reason I didn't enjoy the jogging today, but I loved the hike. I don't have to stop for breaks at all any more!

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: 1 medium banana, 1 cup honey-nut cheerios
Snack: Baby carrots
Lunch: 1 flour tortilla with cheese & salsa, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: Fat-free blueberry yogurt
Dinner: 1 bowl beef stew, 1 buttermilk biscuit and a big glass of 2% milk

TOTAL CALORIES: 1314

Oh, and by the way...
Originally posted by kilogo
I do believe that you will stop craving the sweets (chum too) and that it will come naturally as a part of your healthy eating lifestyle.
That's quite possibly the most uplifting thing I've heard all week.

THE SEVENTEENTH DAY

I was sitting at the computer entering my foods into fitday when I had a sudden burst of faith. I suddenly knew that I would learn how to fight my urges to binge, that they would become less and less frequent, and eventually they'll disappear entirely. I KNOW this for certain now. It's going to happen because I'm going to MAKE it happen.

I've binged twice in my first two weeks, which is an average of one binge per week. My first anti-binge goal is to lower my average to one binge every TWO weeks.

Did I mention that I'm doing my own personal July Challenge? My goals are to eat an average of 1500 calories a day, expend an average of 500 extra calories a day, and lose 11 lbs. by July 31st. Today is the 11th, which means I'm one-third of the way to my deadline!

Today I did another double dose of exercise: 1 hour of jogging and 1 hour of hiking. I also did 20 minutes of gardening and 40 push-ups. I skipped stretching again because my leg still hurt from when I strained it a few days ago.

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: My usual - a banana and cheerios.
Snack: 1 cup fresh strawberries
Lunch: 3/4 cup of refried beans mixed in a bowl with a large diced tomato, 1/2 cup shredded lettuce & lots of salsa, plus 1 cup skim milk.
Snack: Fat-free apricot-mango yogurt.
Dinner: 1 potato roll with peanut butter, 1 hashbrown patty with ketchup, and a large glass of 2% milk.
Dessert: 1 cup fresh strawberries.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1322

Hi there! I love reading your resolve! If you believe you can do it, you CAN do it! We both can.

Oh and I think I am going to try the refried bean thing you made. Sounds great. Do you like Tabasco? I feel like I live on the stuff...all three kinds. Mmmm.

Hope you have a successful weekend!

THE EIGHTEENTH DAY

Naw, no tabasco sauce - but I love to drown everything in La Victoria Salsa Brava!!! To some people a bowl of beans & veggies would sound strange, but I love the mexican mix of beans, veggies & salsa, plus you can buy fat-free refried beans now! They're canned, of course, but they taste just fine.

Today I was thinking about two very important things my mother always told me:

(1) If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
(2) You can do anything you set your mind to.

Maybe now is time to start listening to what my mother told me, eh?

I did a normal day today; no double exercise. If you had peeked into my room at around 4:00 you would've seen me grinning like an idiot as I did my calisthenics, knowing that they would pay off soon. In addition to the hour of calisthenics I also danced for 30 minutes and biked for 25 minutes.

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: Banana & cheerios
Snack: Baby carrots
Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lots of lettuce and 1 cup 2% milk
Snack: Fat free blueberry yogurt
Dinner: A taco salad and water

TOTAL CALORIES: 1128. A little low, I know, but I was saving up because I knew we were going to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Apparently taco salad doesn't have as many calories as I thought!

Hello!!!

Thanks for stopping by my journal, I thought I would take a reading to yours. Boy am I glad I did! The refried beans with vegie mix sounds wonderful!! I don't know if I have ever tried the LaVictoria salsa, my fav is Salsa Lisa....it is devine!

I like my stuff with a little more kick so I used hot salsa & tabasco on almost everything.

I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job. I haven't made it through your entire journal but from what I have read so far, you are doing an amazing job!!

Keep it up -
Tasha

hello hello,
did ya know that spicey foods act as an appetite suppresant appaerntly? to bad ive got an ulcer lol.. anyway thought id pop in and say thanks for the journal support the other day...
ive just gotta keep in mind that us redheads are twice as stubborn and three times as mean LOL..

THE NINETEENTH DAY

********************

Tasha - Hi! I'm glad you stopped by! Someday I hope to be as much an inspiration to other people as the longtime diettalk members are to me. Thanks so much for your encouragement, and I wish you nothing but SUCCESS in your weight-loss journey!

Huntersmom - Hey there! Yep, redheads are born b*tchy - and damn proud of it!!! REDHEADS, UNITE!!! :D I had no idea that spicy foods were appetite suppressants, but that would explain a LOT! I can never finish a meal in a Mexican restaurant! Gawd, I'm sorry about that ulcer... I don't know what I'd do without salsa! Thanks for the info. :)

********************

Well, it was another double exercise day today - 1 hour of calisthenics and 1 hour of hiking, plus a 25-minute bike ride and 40 push-ups. It just occurred to me that I've done 1,200 crunches in the last 2 days. In each hour-long calisthenics session, I do a set of crunches every other 5 minutes. For me, a "set" is 25 front crunches, 50 side crunches, then another 25 front ones - which is 100 crunches total. Do that every other 5 minutes for an hour and that's 600 crunches. Do that 2 days in a row and it's 1,200 crunches in 2 days. And get this: my stomach is hardly even sore.

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: Banana and cheerios, as usual.
Snack: Baby carrots. Again.
Lunch: Refried beans, tomatoes, lettuce, and salsa again, with a cup of 2% milk.
Snack: 1 cup pineapple chunks
Dinner: A pork chop, fried potatoes with catsup, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1309

Hey there!
I just had to add in that I can't believe you are a redhead too!!

I have to agree that once you piss me off, I am ready to crack a few heads! I guess that is the b@tchy side?! hee hee

Anyhoo...just wanted to stop by and say hello!

Tasha

THE TWENTY-FIRST DAY

I didn't write yesterday! Bad me!

I have no idea how many calories I consumed, but I do know that I broke my no drugs/alcohol rule. It's OK, it was worth it. It was one of those things you only do every once in a while, and I had fun.

Well, doing all that double exercise to make up for last week's binge sure paid off - I'm down another 4 lbs! I'm back to normal exercise now though, so my weight loss will be slowing down. My goal now is to lose 2 more pounds by next Tuesday, which will bring me down to my first major goal of 138!

Not much time to chat - but Tasha - you're a redhead TOO? Woo-HOO!!! Now I'll say it seriously: REDHEADS, UNITE!!! :)

Hey 108...great work on your diet/fitness plan. I love to work out, but at 47 I have to work around a few injuries. You are almost at your first mini-goal. Are your clothes fitting better and are people starting to notice your weight loss? Let's hear it for nonscale victories. Take care and have a great week.

Hi 108!
Just passing through, but wanted to say I think you're doing great!
I know the feeling (young, fat, not pleased, etc) :)
I think the key is to never stop learning, and never stop trying.
Sounds like you're learning and trying, good for you! :D

THE TWENTY-SECOND DAY

Aaaarrrgh. Argh, Argh, AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I binged last night. AGAIN.

My biggest binge yet. Probably upward of 6,000 calories. I wanted to throw up out of pure discomfort, but I didn't.

I'm so pissed off. Not at myself, just at the world in general.

Argh.

Ok, let's look at this logically.

Why did I binge?

I was hungry, irritated, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, unmotivated, and generally in a pissy mood. Plus there was my favorite kind of cake in the fridge and a ton of ice cream in the freezer.

Why didn't I follow my anti-binge plan?

Because I knew it would stop me from pigging out, and I really wanted to pig out.

What am I going to do now?

Move on, obviously, and try to learn from this.

Aaahhh. That's better.

********************

Artsy - Hi there! Thanks for stopping by! Yeah, I know how hard it is to work out if you've got old injuries or aren't feeling up to it. Bleagh. Not fun! I smashed my right hip up a few years ago and also have a recurring stress fracture in my left ankle. However, I do preventive exercises to strengthen the muscles in those areas, and it helps a lot!

So far, no one has noticed my weight loss. The scale says I'm down 15 lbs, but I don't see too much of a difference in myself yet. Well, my thighs are definitely a little thinner. And I keep having to cinch the drawstring on my running pants. But I think it'll be a while before the differences become noticable. Thanks for asking! :)

elivi - Hey there, what's up? Thanks so much for the encouragement! :) You couldn't have voiced it more perfectly: If you learn from your mistakes and keep trying, you can't fail!

********************

All right, I'm going to re-capitulate my goals to keep me on track.

DAILY GOALS:
-Eat 1500 calories or less
-Exercise for 1 hour or more
-Drink 8 or more cups of water

WEEKLY GOAL:
-Lose 2 lbs. by next Tuesday

MONTHLY GOAL:
-No more binging for the rest of July!

108,
**Boy have I been there with the emotional binging!!!***
:wave: Yup, there I am, front row and center!
I'm sorry you had such a nasty day yesterday.
Some good questions to ask yourself:
How did I feel before I binged? (You already answered this one)
How did my mood progress while I ate?
How did I feel after I ate?
What else could I do next time to soothe myself? (And make sure it's something really effective or you won't follow through with it. After all, your subconcious still thinks binging works).

Take care and hang in there!! :hug:

Ouch about the binge last night...I used to do that when I was about 23. My thyroid gland quit working, I gained weight rapidly and I tried to get control by severely restricting my calorie intake. Of course I would lose control and overeat when I was stressed. The first diet that really worked for me was the Atkins diet, and I returned to it last summer. When I follow it I get enough protein, lose my appetite to a great extent and lose fat or maintain my weight. If you haven't given it a try it might work for you.

Does anybody in your family have diabetes? If they do, you might have some insulin problems that are contributing to the cravings and bingeing. In that case, Atkins might be the thing for you.

Take care.

108 -

Hey there!
I think I am sitting with all you guys on the emotional binge thing. Good for you for taking a step back to take a look at why it happened. There isn't anything you can do for past days/minutes but you can look ahead. Maybe think of what you have learned about yourself because of the binge. I know for me, I do it because I feel empty inside & lonely.

I am really proud of you for knowing that you have to just move onto the next day. That is a great accomplishment in itself.

Hang in there! You can do this!!!!
:hug:

-Tasha

OK Kiddo. Gosh, I leave for a couple of days and I read you had a night of eating out of control. Well, I am darned proud of you that you didn't gag it all up. That would have been a very bad thing to do, and YOU DID NOT DO THAT.

Now, I think your attitude to move on is a good one. There is no way you will fail, b/c you seem to be too smart for that. Plus, we will be here checking on you and trying to help where we can, so how in the world can you NOT succeed???

I'm wondering if you looked a little more deeply at what kept you going up to 6K that night? You know, kind of a "lessons learned" type thing. For instance, you said you ignored your plan to avoid binging b/c not only were you in a ****zu mood, but you just wanted to eat all your favorite foods in the house.
I'm really proud of you for sticking with it. You rock, girl.

108, thanks for visiting my journal today and leaving me a message. I would be forever grateful if you would explain how I can go back a day in Fitday to enter my foods. I sent them a note, but I haven't got a reply back. Thanks!

heyas youngun... i know i havent been around here much but im here now and just wanted to tell you that im proud of you for owning the binge.. thats the first step...:D

hi 108! i just wanted to stop by and give u a bit of support! one strategy i have against binging is to simply not keep stuff like cake and cookies in my house. that way when i'm feeling emotional, i'm forced to binge on healthy things like strawberries ;) its hard, but u might want to try slowly removing one fatty thing at a time (and by removing, i don't mean eating them.) its hard to throw the cookies in the trash, but it really helps!

THE TWENTY-THIRD DAY

Thank you all so much for your replies! It's wonderul to know that I'm NOT alone in this struggle! Being incredibly self-centered, I sometimes have a hard time believing that other people can know how I feel. 8-|

It's so hard to get back on track after a binge. Yesterday was really tough. It may sound silly, but I think I was going through fat & sugar withdrawls. Seriously, that's what it felt like! I just wanted to binge again. All I could think about was junk food, but I'm so glad I resisted! This morning I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn't worn in a couple weeks, and they felt loose! I put on a cute shirt I hadn't worn for a while, and my belly didn't stick out too much. It totally made my day!

I'm still a little pissed about that binge, mostly because it means I've sentenced myself to another week of double exercise. Looking on the bright side though, it also means I could possibly lose another 3 or 4 lbs. by my next weigh-in. I've been on a "diet" for over 3 weeks now and am still losing weight at an insane rate. I truly didn't expect to lose anything over 2 lbs. after the first week.

********************

elivi - LOL, I love that little hand-raise smily! Too cute! Thanks for the questions... I think I'll write them down in my journal as soon as I'm done here.

Artsy - Oogh... you mean, the messed-up thyroid was caused by the binging? In any case, I'm glad you finally found something that worked for you! :) Nope, no one in my family has diabetes. Also, no one - I repeat, NO ONE - none of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents or siblings - is obese! Pretty amazing in this day and age. And I don't wanna be the first!

As for fitday - at the very top of the page there is the date in big bold letters. On either side of it are little arrows - one for forwards, one for back. Click the back arrow and you can go back to yesterday and edit your foods/activities. You can also change days by going to the calendar tab and clicking on the day you want to edit.

Tasha - *hugs* for you, girlfriend! I can really use the encouragement. Sounds like you're figuring out the emotional stuff... I'm working on it as well. I think we're pretty similar as far as feelings of loneliness and emptiness. :( It's tough.

chum - Hi there, glad to see you! It's hard for me to figure out what's really behind a big, unpleasant binge like that, but I'm trying. I think that time there was a sort of messed-up logic to it - like "I binged already, so I might as well eat everything I can!" I dunno. I'll try to pay closer attention next time.. if there IS a next time. The suggestion about writing down everything you eat as you binge is EXCELLENT! I actually used to do that a long time ago and it really helped, but I completely forgot about it! Thanks for reminding me!!!

I'm used to binges being the end of my weight loss attempt. No need to count calories, cuz I've blown my "diet" no matter what... right? WRONG!!! That sort of thinking has to end NOW!

Ooh, now I'm feeling motivated. YOU rock, you're one of the most inspirational, encouraging, and funniest people here!

huntersmom - Thanks!!! Nope, I'm not about to let a stupid binge stop me!

zaza - That is a great suggestion, and I SO wish I could! Unfortunately, I moved back home with my parents to finish college, and I have absolutely NO control over what foods are in the house! Gawd, I can't WAIT to get out on my own again...

********************

Thanks SO much, everyone! You guys have said some great stuff. You've helped me to see the positive side, given me a ton of encouragement & some great suggestions, and made me more determined than ever! :D

108, I am glad to see you back on tracks with your eating...good for you for resisting the junk food today.

No...the binging didn't cause my thyroid gland to quit working. When my thyroid gland quit working it caused me to gain weight. I tried to lose the weight by going on very calorie restricted diets and I was always hungry. Inevitably I would lose it and binge. I think the main protection against binging is to eat a moderate amount every day so you aren't in the extreme hunger zone.

Thanks for the information on changing the dates at Fitday...I will use that. Take care.

Another great day today! I'm halfway through my week of double exercise now. Just Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to go and I'll be back to normal - provided I don't binge again.

For exercise I did an hour of calisthenics, an hour of hiking, 45 minutes of gardening, and 40 push-ups.

Today's Foods

Breakfast: 1 banana, 1 cup cheerios
Snack: Fresh strawberries and raspberries from my own garden
Lunch: 1/2 tuna sandwich with lots of lettuce, 1 cup skim milk, and a couple things of broccoli (yucky, but I need the folate).
Snack: Fat-free strawberry yogurt and some cashews.
Dinner: A pork chop with spanish rice, green beans, and a big glass of 2% milk.

TOTAL CALORIES: 1250

Killer day, 108 and I had a great one too. You know what I am going to tell you? You need more protein in your diet for the amount of exercising you are doing. You want to build muscle to help you lose fat, but if you don't eat enough protein your body is going to break down your existing muscles to get it...not a good thing. Eat another can of tuna everyday, or something else like a protein bar and it will pay off in the long run.

Take care and keep up the good work!

Hello dearie. I'm with Artsy. Protein is a good thing. You are such an athlete, it can only do you good. Did you mention that you are a skater?

Do you live in the wilderness where hiking is au naturel (not naked)? Or city where hiking is a little noisier.

I really like hiking too. Ignore all the DTers who will tell you I'm not at all outdoorsy. I even slept under the stars in Dogon country for a few nights and survived beautifully. Well, actually, that's the only time I've slept outside. But I really liked it. Well, actually, I did love that one time in West Africa, but I mostly prefer my king-sized bed. Well, actually, I guess I watch a lot of the outdoors on TV. Sigh.

Hello 108!

Wow are you kickin it girl! Double exercise - I don't know how you do it but keep it up.

I was reading what some other have been saying and you know what? I agree with the protein thing. It's not like you need to eat a whole pig or anything, just up it a little.

How are you doing otherwise? The lonliness thing - if you need anything let me know. I'll be thinking of ya!!

-Tash

Today I sorta did my own 10-mile jogging/hiking marathon! My mom and sister were going to be gone all morning, so I told my dad I was going into town. I went to the high school running trail and jogged 5 miles. Then I drove to my hiking area and immediately hiked another 5 miles! Usually when I do double exercise, I do one session in the morning and one in the evening. This time my legs had no time to recuperate! It was really hard, but I enjoyed it. While I was jogging I was so "in the zone" for a while that I lost track of my laps!

********************

Chumlette - You need to come up here and visit me! I live in the most gorgeous hiking area in the world. You can't not like it! There's sort of a mini-mountain just a couple minutes from my house; it takes me about 45 minutes to hike up full-blast and 15 minutes to jog slowly back down. In the summer the trail is lined with thick purple, pink and white foxglove, and in the fall the maple trees give you a brightly-colored, yummy-smelling orange carpet of leaves to shuffle through. When you're at the top you can see the ocean with its little costal islands in one direction and tall snowy mountains in the other. Occasionally a red-tailed hawk will float by just 6 feet from your face. And as an added bonus, there are lots of juicy huckleberries and blackberries to snack on as you go. :)

Artsy & Tasha - Thanks for checking in! You guys rock. :) Out of curiosity though, what makes you think I'm not getting enough protein? I checked with my fitday account, and according to my reports I'm getting more than the recommended amount of protein both in grams and percentage-wise. What is a reasonable amount of protein for someone who's very active? I'm sort of foggy on the whole protein thing, really.

********************

TODAY'S FOODS

Breakfast: 1 banana and 1 cup honey-nut cheerios
Snack: Baby carrots
Lunch: Tuna sandwich, broccoli, and 1 cup skim milk
Snack: Fat-free strawberry yogurt and cashews
Dinner: Fried rice with pork and vegetables and a big glass of 2% milk

TOTAL CALORIES: 1259

Servings of meats: 3
Calories from protein: 294
Percentage: 24% (4% above maximum recommended)
Grams of protein: 74 (14 above maximum recommended)

Is that enough, do you think? :-/

your doing great. your excercise looks amazing and your headed right for your goal. keep up the super work!!!

way to go

Thanks for the encouragement, LeesMarie! :)

This is going to be a tough day, so I'll probably post several times to help get me through it.

I'm stressed out. I've gotten really behind in my math; I needed help all through this last week but I didn't want to bother anyone. Now I have a test tomorrow and I'm in big trouble.

My problem is I have a hard time learning and concentrating if I'm anything other than completely satiated. I don't believe this feeling is reasonable. If I was hungry, yes. But if I'm just not stuffed? NO. I have to fight this and get my work done without binging.

I also have double exercise to do, which doesn't help the stress any, but I'm determined to do it.

Hey 108...you asked why I queried the amount of protein...I looked at your menu just before I posted that comment, and I saw .5 tuna sandwich, strawberry yogurt and 2% milk as your animal sources of protein. I don't know the grams of protein for these, but they are complete proteins. Perhaps Fitday is assigning grams of protein to things like cashews, etc., but these are vegetable protein so they not complete proteins, they are lacking some essential amino acids. I am not sure how much protein you need for your energy output, just that most people who work out take in more than you appear to. Looks like it needs a little more research, but it is great that you are using Fitday to keep track.

Good luck studying for your math test. What type of math is it?

*Whew!*

I didn't have time to post again yesterday. I made it with the math, but just barely. Had to get up at 3:00 this morning to finish, but it paid off - I think I did reasonably well on the test.

It's just algebra, and I'm hesitant to ask for help because I feel so stupid! I've done this crap a million times before and I should know it by now. Aargh. I just plain suck at math is all.

I made it through yesterday, but damn it was hard! Stress is DEFINITELY a major trigger for me. So, I have two choices: I can either learn how to fight stress-binging or I can stop getting myself into those sort of stressful last-minute situations!!!

I found something that really helps: Imagining myself as the kind of person I want to be. Would the girl I want to be keep working on the Impossible Math Problem even though she's hungry, tired, angry, hot, frustrated, irritable, totally stressed out, and generally pissed off at the world?

YES, SHE DAMN WELL WOULD!!!!!

Tomorrow's weigh-in day, and I'm not gonna post my weight until the very end of the day so I won't be tempted to binge right after I post. I've promised myself that if I make it two weeks without binging, I can eat whatever I want on the 31st.

108,
I loved your idea of imagining yourself as the girl you want to be. I remember having to do this as a creative exercise in college. We had to conjure up a very detailed picture of who we wanted to be, not just physically, but the personality, strengths, morals, etc. We were even encouraged to come up with a seperate name for this individual so at the drop of a hat we could call that person to mind and ask ourselves "What would So-And-So Do Now?" It was very effective but I'd forgotten all about it until you reminded me.
Thanks!

Hey there 108!!

I am still hanging out to see your post about your weigh in day. I have my fingers crossed for you.

Hey, don't worry about the math. Some people really get into it (like me) and other just don't. It is just like any other subject, english, history or science. Just do what you can & remember that you tried your best. That is all anyone can ask from you.

Thanks for the idea of thinking of the kind of person I would like to be. I am not even sure because there are so many things I would like to be. I will think about it tonight and let you know. :)

Anyhoo, check in soon & keep up the hard work!!

-Tasha

I lost 4 more lbs.

I don't believe it.

This is INSANE. No one loses 4 lbs. every week for a month.

My metabolism is supposed to be shot. Is it possible for metabolisms to recover? I guess it's gotta be, cuz it sure seems like mine has. Maybe overeating every day for a year puts your metabolism in overdrive or something.

I'm sort of scared. Just a month ago I was in the mid-150's. Now I'm in the mid-130's. I should feel great, but instead I'm just scared. I'm not READY to be in the 130's already! Plus I know I could gain it all back twice as quickly.

I think I'm just going to try to maintain throughout August. I'll still exercise daily and eat healthy, but I'll stop restricting food & won't count calories.

Hopefully that'll give me time to get used to my new weight and I'll feel comfortable losing again by September.

108,
I don't know about "nobody," but I've certainly never lost weight like that! Well good for you girl!

Congratulations for losing another four pounds this week...I guess the double-exercise thing is right for you! I think it is a good idea to increase your calories and maintain so you keep out of that binging zone from starvation. Remember, you are going to shrink down for a period of 6 weeks after your weight loss. Awesome work!

I'm a bad, bad girl! :D I haven't been writing every day, and now I've gotten my days all mixed up!

I've been really busy with school and all. I'm getting a life plan worked out so I don't have to spend the rest of my life at home with my parents. The plan includes getting all A's from now on, so I'll be doing a lot of studying.

I haven't really been keeping track of my calories or exercise this past week, but I think I'm doing OK.

Thanks Tasha, elivi, and Artsy, for your support. You guys rock. :)

I just read your post in the Food for Thought forum.

Jeez.

I am lazy.

I am stubborn.

I am chronically angry.

I am definitely emotionally stunted.

Grudge-holding. That's me.

Angsty? Is that a word?

No, I am not a teenager. Sigh.

Maybe that's why I like you. But dammit, 108, you'd better figure this all out before you turn 39. I don't want to be here in 20 years reading your journal about assassinating the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Way to go on losing more. I am really proud of you for taking some time to maintain this before you go on to lose more.

How did you get smarter than me in such a short time? Pffft.

Hey! Where are you? Did you run so far from home that you couldn't find your way back??? Perhaps you are accomplishing your life plan? Studying math?

Just wanted you to know I missed ya!

Wow, I can't believe anyone noticed I was gone!

*feels warm and fuzzy inside*

I was really busy for the last part of July and didn't have time to diet or write or weigh myself. Then, since my goal for August was just to eat normally and maintain my weight loss, I didn't come here at all. :(

I weighed myself two days ago though, and just by eating normally and trying to maintain I've lost 2 more lbs!

I'll be writing again starting on September 1st!

SEPTEMBER 1st, 2003

Ok, it's September - I'm starting back up on this journal thingy.

I've been very depressed this last week and haven't been eating at all. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 129 and I still feel absolutely miserable.

I see myself as being hugely fat - even bigger than I was when I started. This is called "body dysmorphic disorder" (BDD) and it always kicks in when I'm depressed.

Fortunately I have therapy tomorrow. I may go on medication.

You know what I ate today?

Frosting. An entire jar of frosting.

That's all I ate, just frosting. All day long.

I just picked the empty jar out of the trash to check the label.

Yep.

Betty Crocker.

Chum's right: Betty Crocker is a hideous monster straight from the cesspits of hell. DIE, FIEND, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most annoying thing about depression is that it makes everything seem like the end of the world.

For example, yesterday's frosting fiasco feels like a disaster of epic proportions.

Today the sight and smell of food turns my stomach.

I can't bring myself to eat.

Binged, big time. A box of doughnuts, two milkshakes, a ton of ice cream... you name it, I ate it.

For some reason, though, I don't feel too bad. I think the depression is lifting!

Normal, healthful dieting will resume tomorrow. :)

Hang in there 108, better times are ahead.

Oh my goodness. We were eating frosting at the same time. ****zu. Sorry I've been MIA, but now you know why, huh?

How are you feeling, my little chestnut? I'm trying to pull myself up by the chinnie chin chin. I have banned all sugary substances from my home for the near future.

Hell, I can't even walk down the baking aisle anymore at the grocery. Sigh.

Life's hell sometimes.:tongue: Just know you aren't in it alone, fellow traveller. :console:

Aw, thanks Artsy and Chum!!! :D

I had a REALLY rough weekend. It was just one disaster after another. Some good family friends of ours were attacked by one of their teenaged son's so-called friends. R. was slashed in the arm and A. was stabbed three times in the stomach.

On Sunday I learned that a wonderful woman we know, the lady who organized all the figure skating events in the area, had died of "natural causes" at the age of 48. She had two teenaged daughters.

Then, on Monday morning, a beloved pet passed away.

As you can probably imagine, I feel like I've got some sort of black cloud of doom hanging over my head.

I stress-ate myself up to 131 lbs. over the weekend, but I'm not too worried about it. It's a new day. It's a new week. I'm MOTIVATED and raring to go!!! Let's see if I can get back down to 129 by next Monday!

Today I tried on a pair of pants that I was bursting out of a few months ago, and they FIT!!!

I find it hard to believe. I'm sort of pissed off because the scale says I've lost almost 25 lbs. and my pants are starting to fit again, but I see absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in myself! And neither do other people! No one has noticed my weight loss yet!

Oh well. Perserverance...

Today's Food
Breakfast: 1 banana, 1 cup honey nut cheerios
Snack: Grapes
Lunch: Tuna fish sandwich with lettuce, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1 medium carrot, 1 oz. cashews
Dinner: 1 cup fried rice with meat & veggies, 1 cup 2% milk

Today's Exercise
1 hour moderate intensitiy biking
10 minutes stretching

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1217
EXTRA CALORIES BURNED: 449

*Whew!* What a day! This morning on my hike I found a lactating female cat, obviously lost. She followed me 1.25 miles back to my car. I spent the rest of the day searching for kittens in the area where I found her, knocking on doors trying to find an owner, and putting "found" ads all over town. She was probably dumped, but it can't hurt to try. We can't take any more cats - we have too many as it is!

Today's Food
Breakfast: 1 medium banana
Snack: none
Lunch: Tuna sandwich on whole wheat bread with lettuce and 1 cup 2% milk
Snack: 1 carrot, 1 container fat-free strawberry yogurt, and .5 oz. cashews
Dinner: spaghetti with tomato sauce and meatballs, a garlic breadstick, and 1.5 cups 2% milk

Today's Exercise
40 minutes hiking
30 minutes calisthenics
10 minutes stretching

TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1243
EXTRA CALORIES BURNED: 335

Since my last entry I've done nothing but pig out. I've gained back up to 134. It's a good thing I don't have a gun, because right now I'd really love to blow my face off.

What is WRONG with me? Don't I want to feel good about myself? Don't I want to have that beautiful lean line again? Don't I want to look good in my clothes? Don't I want to go ice skating? Don't I want to have that healthy, pure skin? Don't I want the endorphins exercise gives me? Don't I want to be beautiful and happy again?

Apparently not.

I want to kill myself.

108, please don't feel so hopeless. Don't be so hard on yourself. I so understand the way you are feeling because I have been there before. Death can seem like a very easy and quick answer to life's problems but it's not the answer. Think of all the people who would be broken hearted over your loss. You parents, your friends. Life is never so hopeless that you cannot pick up and make it better. To me, it seems that you have too high of expectations for yourself. 108 pounds for a 5'5 frame is VERY thin. I am 5'5 as well and my ultimate weight would be 125. My goal is 145. I feel confident and happy at that weight, therefore it is my goal to be happy and confident. Why do you want to weight only 108 pounds? At 134 pounds you should look AWESOME. And just because you pigged out does not mean you cannot start again tomorrow. Take it one step, one day at a time. Don't give up and don't beat yourself up because you had a treat. We are imperfect people sorrounded by good food and good food comforts us. It is okay to have a treat or two or to pig out!! WHATEVER YOU DO, ENDING YOUR LIFE IS NOT THE SOLUTION!! Perhaps you should speak to a parent, or a close friend, a minister in your church or see a doctor. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better on the inside and then re-think your plan/goal for the outside. I am willing to bet that you look great at the weight you are at. HANG IN THERE and if you need to talk, PM me.

Where in the world are you? Please come and let us know you are alright. OK??? Pretty please? I miss you!!!:console:

Well, hello, hello, hello.

Back to the journal again.

I'm five pounds heavier than I was when I last wrote, but who cares. I feel a LOT better. I have enthusiasm and motivation.

Well, for SOME things.

I quit school. My parents don't know yet. I'll tell them as soon as I get a semi-full-time (30-35 hrs/wk) job. I pretend to go to college in the mornings, but I'm actually job searching. As soon as I get my first paycheck I'm moving out.

I'm going to be a writer. A WRITER, you hear me? Go ahead and laugh, I don't care. I'm going to be a writer! I don't care if I'm poor for the rest of my life. I don't care if I never sell so much as a single word. I don't care if I have to work as a JANITOR until the day I die! I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER!!!

I can't do school. I'm going to be a disappointment to my college-educated parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, but I don't give a ****. It's time for me to face the fact that school doesn't help me, it kills me. It's time to face the fact that I don't want or need a college education.

And if anyone doesn't like that, they can just ****ing deal with it.

WOO-HOO!!!

Winter is coming, winter is coming!!! It's a cold, rainy, blustery day, and I can just SMELL winter around the corner!

So, what am I gonna do for exercise when there's sleet or hail or 3 feet of snow? Well... I don't know yet, but I'll figure it out when I need to. I like to take things as they come.

Although... I did hear jump-roping is a pretty good winter activity.

I wish I had a treadmill or something, but I don't.

Anyway, another great day today! Ate well, hiked for an hour, and did 10 minutes of stretching. I lost a lot of my endurance and flexibility during my latent period, but I don't think it'll take me long to get it back.

I want to start jogging again, and I've made myself a deal that I can as soon as I hit 129 lbs. again. I guess it's sort of weird to use exercise as a reward for losing weight, but whatever. For now I'm alternating hour-long hikes (5 miles) with hour-long bike rides (12 miles).

TODAY'S FOOD:
Breakfast: 1 small banana, 1 cup honey nut cheerios
Snack: three plumbs, right from our tree!
Lunch: 1.25 cups tomato soup with soda crackers and a cup of skim milk
Snack: 1 small carrot, 1 oz. cashews, and some grapes
Dinner: Fish sticks with catsup, clam chowder, and 1.5 cups 2% milk.
TOTAL CALORIES: 1238. A little low. Sue me.

God, I can't WAIT to move out... I'll make a bunch of changes to my diet then. It needs to be healthy and have variety, but still be inexpensive.

I want to eat brown rice, not white. I want to drink only skim milk. I want to get salad packs with lots of dark greens in them. And it'll be SO much easier not to binge if I don't keep binge food in my apartment!!! Hell, I won't even be able to afford any junk!

Well, apparently a lot of people were offended by my "Are fat people smart or are smart people fat?" question in the Food for Thought forum. Which is OK by me, I guess, although I sort of wish you wouldn't be. It wasn't meant to be offensive.

Others of you thought it was a dumb question and made no sense. Which, with me, is perfectly possible. I dunno. All I know is that in MY head it's a valid question.

Had a good day today - rode my bike for 50 minutes in the sharp, driving, icy-cold rain and enjoyed it. I won't enjoy it forever though, so I'd better come up with some good winter activities.

TODAY'S FOODS:
Breakfast: 3/4 of a small banana (I had to cut out some bad spots) and 1 cup cheerios
Snack: plumbs
Lunch: cold fishsticks and 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1 small carrot, grapes
Dinner: turkey sandwich, cream of tomato soup, and 1.5 cups 2% milk
TOTAL CALORIES: 1274. Low again. I've gotta up it.

Well, tomorrow's weigh in day... I've worked hard this week and I'm confident that the scale will reflect that! I'm just restarting my diet, so I'll probably lose pretty quickly for the first couple weeks.

Sorry about the school thing; I had that "I Quit" moment and it wasn't a fun one, as the "smart" one in the house with all sorts of expectations heaped upon me... Still, if they're paying, what about a psych degree? or physiology? Or, if writing is a sincere passion, how about English? Yeah, so it's a couple of years of "life on hold," but it means better future dividends...(this coming from a non-four year degree-er.)


Good luck finding exercise options, I'm sort of in the same boat (though I suppose I have it "good," with a treadmill in the house and a gym membership)...still, don't discredit a few good exercise videotapes; as well, look at the "exercise minutes" thread and get ideas that way...though, please note, bell's in Australia, where it's summer...

have a good one...

Yo! 108 I just responded to your are fat people smart thread ... I hadn't intended to get involved in any discussion threads here again, but I didn't think it was an offensive question, although I think the word "fat" bothers some people. Other people don't mind it. Maybe "overweight" would have not caused as much of a stir.
I am glad you are back but sorry to hear about the school thing. I won't presume to give advice! :)

Re wanting to be a writer, I am qualified to comment on that, as writing is what I do for a living. But it's probably not the kind of writer you want to be ... I'm a reporter. I don't like it much. The passion for that died some time ago. So I won't comment, except to say if you want to make a living writing, you might want to reconsider college.

Sorry, sounds like advice and you didn't ask for any. In any case, I think you'll find your path and do well, as you have always seemed to me to have a lot on the ball.

I live in Arizona, so cold weather exercise options are not an issue unless I go looking for them in the high country! :) In fact, winter is wonderful here. I can't wait.

It's good to "see" thee again, 108! Good luck with your job search and everything! :wave:

Hi there, QV and Jessica!

I've gotta make this short, since I should be working right now and I have some important calls to make.

Today was excellent - I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I had lost 3 lbs. in the last week! I'm down to 131 now! By this time next week I'll be back to 129, no problem! Woo-HOO!!! Now I just have to get past my post-weigh-in binge urges. My goal is to make it through the next week without any out-of-control eating. I may have to take it one day at a time, but I'm gonna BUST this habit!

Jessica - THANK YOU for your thoughtful PM. It did give me some perspective on why some people might have found my thread offensive, even though it was supposed to be a joke. I will reply shortly - just not tonight.

For me, it's not just an "I Quit" moment - it's been an "I Quit" life. Ever since kindergarten I have found school unbearable to the point where I want to scream during class. I frequently have to walk out. At night, trying to do my homework, I just sit there with tears dripping off my nose. I can't concentrate, I can't sit still, nothing goes into my head. When teachers lecture I can't - can NOT, no matter how hard I try - pay attention. It takes me about a half hour to read a textbook paragraph because I space out and lose my place and then can't remember what it said. Maybe I'm just a big crybaby - I don't know - but when I said I'd rather be a janitor until the day I die than spend two more years in school, I really meant it.

Those exercise suggestions sound good... GOD I wish I had a treadmill! Exercise videos sound cool - I've always liked exercising in front of the TV - so maybe once I get a JOB (I still haven't found one - AAARRRGH!) I'll invest in some!

Qvictoria - Good to "see thee" again as well, Your Majesty! Don't be sorry to hear about the school thing - personally, I'm THRILLED! No, you're right - I don't plan to do that type of writing. I want to write children's books. I have a ton of ideas and a good start on one already, but I've got to get away from this environment. It's horrible for trying to concentrate.

Anyway, advice is always welcome from the Wise - and yes, that includes you. ;) Even if I don't follow it.

Thanks for wishing me luck on the job search. I'll need all the luck I can get!

hiya 108! :)
i liked your last post at the are fat people smart thread, i tried to explain my thoughts- probably not very well but thats life :)
i dont think anyone should be sorry for their personal thoughts on something...
i hear determination in your words regarding the moving out and becoming a writer- best of luck to you on both endeavours!
thanks for stopping by my journal i plan to get the juicer out and make some orange/pineapple popsicles just like you suggested,
hugs bell :)

...try a video store...they hire lots, and have bennies like, free hire of workout videos!! ;)

Good luck, you can do this! (and congrats on your losses!)

I think your planning to write is a wonderful idea. Good luck. And I don't think you will ever be sorry you tried. In fact, if you were not to try, you would probably spend your life wondering about it.

Have fun, and keep us posted.

I also enjoyed the 'fat people, smart people' thread. I always learn something from threads like that, especially from the opinions various people post. And I posted my own opinion there. It was interesting.

Good luck too on your job search. Jess gave you a great idea.

Wowee, what a DAY.

Oogh.

Ugh.

Um.

Let's see. I spent all day - literally - looking for jobs and found absolutely nothing. I have had one job offer, but it was for something I applied to before I quit school. It's only part time and it's in the opposite direction of the area I'll be moving to, so I'll have to turn it down. I wasted half a tank of gasoline driving around - gasoline I don't even have the money for. Then I had to drive in the OPPOSITE direction for a 4:00 shrink appt., then RUSH back to where I had come from for a 5:00 interview that ended up taking two hours and led NOWHERE! I used an entire tank of gas in one day and still have no job! I lie to my parents every day - they still think I'm going to school.

By the time I got home it was too dark to take the bike ride I had planned, so I had to do calisthenics (which I HATE) and ab work instead.

And yet - even though stress is one of my MAJOR binge triggers - I didn't even feel the urge.

Wierd.

What else...

Hi Bell & Jessica & Jo!

Bell - I read your post, and it made perfect sense to me! Thanks for wishing me luck, and enjoy your popsicles! I'll try to stop by your journal tomorrow or some other time when I'm not so darn tired!

Jessica - Fantastic idea! Tomorrow I'll look up all the video stores in the area! Sorry I didn't get around to your PM yet. :(

Jo - I like your outlook. Thanks for your support! I'm glad you found the thread interesting & contributed to it also.

its a great feeling when you know that you could have let stress bring on a binge but you didnt , isnt it?
sorry that the day didnt lead to a job but keep lookin i am sure something will come up..
i am glad my post made at least some sense lol...its hard to sometimes get my point across the way i would like to...thats the down side of the world wide web i guess...
look forward to seeing you at my journal soon!
hugs bell :)

Hi, 108, glad you are hanging in there. Re writing, I think you will be a wonderful children's book author, so hope you keep going on that book you've started. Sorry the job front hasn't panned out yet, but it can take time. More advice, since you said you don't mind it, maybe you should tell your parents the truth about school. Maybe you'd be surprised and uplifted by their understanding. If you don't want to be in school, then you don't want to be in school. There's nothing wrong with that and I'd be willing to bet you're gonna have a great life with or without it. Congrats on the three pounds dropped! :cheers:

I didn't get to write yesterday because there was something wrong with our phone lines and we had no internet connection, BUT here's what happened:

I got a job.

Not a good job. A minimum wage job, cleaning hotel rooms.

Ok, just about the worst sort of job you can get.

But it's a job. And if I work 3-5 hours a day, 5-7 days a week, I should have enough money saved up by the end of December. Even at minimum wage. (What is minimum wage these days, anyway? Does anyone know?)

I applied to the place before I quit school, so it's not in the area I'm going to move to. I told the woman that I would only be able to work there for a couple months, but she hired me anyway.

So anyway, TODAY I started. It was pretty horrible.

NOTICE: WHATEVER YOU DO, NEVER, EVER, EVER USE THE COFFEE POTS THEY HAVE IN HOTEL ROOMS! EVER! Trust me, you don't even wanna know. Oh, and about the sinks? Even if they look clean, THEY'RE NOT. I would suggest turning the water on and off with a wad of toilet paper instead of your bare hand.

When I got home, the phone line had been fixed - for about a half hour, until the electricity went out.

Then I told my parents that I quit school, I had been lying to them, and I have no intention of becoming college-educated. Ever.

They took it rather well.

And, despite all that stress, I've eaten perfectly and gotten exercise a-plenty.

I feel great! I can't wait until my next weigh-in day - I'm absolutely positive I'll be back down to 129!

Bell - Yep, nothin' like it in the world! And whaddaya know, a job did come up!

QV - I'm glad you think I'd make a good children's book author! I did tell my parents like you suggested, and they did take it a lot better than I thought they would! Thanks for your encouragement!

*Whew!* What a lot of writing! Now I'm off to write some more... I have to finish a short story I'm working on. I only have 1 or 2 paragraphs left, but I can't quite seem to get them right...
Wish me luck!

I think I need to change the title of this journal. It doesn't fit any more, or at least, it shouldn't.

I am not fat. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Let me rephrase: I am not overweight.

So... any suggestions?

--------------------------------------------

Had a pretty tiring day. It was my second day on the job, and I was left all alone with the entire upstairs of a hotel to clean. I actually got the hang of it pretty quickly - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to memorize how many soaps, shampoo packets, and towels go in each kind of room, or to figure out the most efficient way to wipe down a shower curtain.

Overall, not including my break or the time it took to get my cart loaded, it took me 4 hours. Did you know 4 hours of "light" cleaning only burns 360 calories?

After work I came home, rode my bike for 50 minutes (in high winds and slightly flooded roads) (350 calories), did a bit of house cleaning, took care of the animals, came here and posted a bit, then finished a short story. It's around 3300 words and it's terribly disjointed and awkward. I'll set it aside for a few days while I work on something else, then go back and edit it. Then I'll send it in to a magazine or something and see if they like it.

i think a new name for your journal is a great idea, how about using that writers brain and coming up with a new writing related title that incorporates your new healthy lifestyle too...i will leave it in your capable hands.
i bet it feels good to not have to lie to your parents anymore, and awesome that they reacted better than you had expected..
good on you getting a job, its a start right and will let you save some money...we all start somewhere.
Have a great weekend!
hugs bell :)

Good title!! :) :up:

All right, I've just changed it!

Thanks Jessica! Glad you like it! :D (Can I call you "Jess?")

I think I'm going to try and focus less on weight, food, and dieting, and more on life in general. It's going to be an interesting time for me, what with the changing family dynamics, new job, new ambitions, and getting ready to move out of the house.

It might also be entertaining to chronicle my attempts at becoming a writer.

Great job on sharing with parents, 108, and gettin' that job!!!! I like the title of your journal and the fact that you're going to focus on life, not weight!!!!! And you're right, you're not overweight at all and you're gonna have one fab and exciting life!!! I think you may find lots of adventure on that job! After all, it's not the job that makes the day exciting, it's the person doing the job!!!!

Huzzah, you're on your way!!!

Well, focusing on weight and looks is what got me into this whole mess in the first place, so I think it makes sense that doing the opposite might help get me out. :D

Thanks for stoppin' by, QV! You're sayin' what I'm feelin'... Excitement is in the air! Change is coming, and change is GOOD!

I feel great today. I feel thin and pretty and productive. I have a job, I'm earning money, I finished my first short story, and it's time to start on another project!

Right now, though, I've gotta go take care of the animals, clean the living room, and help my dad prepare the Mongolian beef for tomorrow's dinner. YUM! Or better yet... HUZZAH! :D

Oh...
I'd also like to add that today I ate ice cream :)
and I updated my webpage to include my new, more lax, more maintainable exercise plan.

Gawd, what a DAY.

I cried at work. It was the busiest day of the week and they gave me the downstairs, which has way more rooms than the upstairs. The bathrooms were different - I didn't know how to clean them and I forgot people's towels TWICE - and they have these little kitchenettes that people leave all their old, disgusting food in, which meant I had to clean it all out! Because I was so behind I didn't have time for a break, which meant I didn't have time to eat, so my blood sugar got WAY low and I had no energy and felt absolutely hopeless. I finished an hour over my alloted time. Eagh.

Thankfully, I have two days off now.

Tomorrow is also weigh-in day, and I'm completely positive that I'll be back to 129! No luck is needed!

Tonight we ate the Mongolian beef that my dad and I prepared last night. It was absolutely DELICIOUS.

Now I'm off to work on the second chapter of my first children's book!

Weighed in this morning - lost another 3 lbs.

I'm now the lowest I've been in a year.

And I REALLY want to binge.

Eagh.

Post-weigh-in binge urges.

I hate 'em.

I didn't make it.

These last two days I have been possessed by the evil Post-Weigh-In Binge Demon.

Please, O Goddess of Willpower, O Diety of the Diet, give me the strength to vanquish this devil!

8-|

EEEAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!!!!
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*



(that's the sound of my head hitting the wall)

hi 108!
whats up sweetie? binging urge still there? come back and talk about it i will be around for a while...
hang in there!
hugs bell :)

agh, that's not sounding good...


big breath in. Then the mantra o' Jess. This, too, will pass.

Well.

Hi Jessica and Bell.

Thanks guys. Really, thank you for your concern.

So.

I have been binging terribly for 11 days straight now. But that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about appearance. Physical appearance, and why I care so goddamn much about the way I look.

To start off with, I hate the way I look. Let me list the things that are wrong with me: Fat thighs, fat stomach, fat arms, fat chin, fat cheeks, big ugly lips, a humped nose, a flat and utterly unattractive facial side-profile, dry/oily/bad skin, bloodshot eyes, too big a forehead, sparse/bristly eyebrows, not-so-white teeth, too big front teeth, bad clothes, and hair that's just plain wrong. Not a pretty picture.

I didn't always hate the way I looked. I started off puberty hating the way I looked, and then things changed. I became attractive. Not just attractive - beautiful. When I looked in the mirror every day I had a hard time believing that the pretty creature staring back was actually ME.

People LOOKED. Stared. Men and women alike. I couldn't walk down the street without getting comments and catcalls - and it had nothing to do with the way I dressed (I actually dressed rather poorly). It was all due to my face and my body.

Getting ugly again SEEMED to be directly related to weight gain. Therefore, I ASSUME that if I lose the weight, I will be pretty once more. This assumption may or may not be correct, but I pray to god that it IS because I don't think I can stand being ugly for the rest of my life.

I know how nauseatingly superficial I sound right now.

Quite frankly, I don't care. It's how I feel, and I need to get it out into words.

So why do I care so much? Because being beautiful seemed to make me worth something to other people. It got me attention. It got me recognition. It fed my insatiable vanity. It made my life worth it.

Pathetic, I know, but true.

So what, out of all the complaints I listed above, would losing another 25 lbs. solve? Let's see: the thighs, stomach, arms, chin, and cheeks. The bad skin (a healthy diet helps immensely). Some of the facial side-profile.

Out of the complaints above, which could be solved without weight loss? The bloodshot eyes, the not-so-white teeth, the bad clothes, and the bad hair.

Which complaints can never be solved? The big lips, the humped nose, the facial profile, and the too-big teeth. But guess what - I had those characteristics before, even when I was pretty!

So I'm going to try a different approach with myself: complete and total honesty.

Here's a piece of honesty I need to face: I'M DOING IT FOR APPEARANCES AND ONLY FOR APPEARANCES.

Now how 'bout I get cracking, eh?

Tonight I welcome
one last guest
the one in which
obsession rests

Indulging in
the substance which
when touched by me
will sudden switch

A violent turn
upon the one
who brought you close
and took you on

So for the last
I let you take
my dignity
my need to slake

The anger and
the lust within
you've died entrusting
me with sin

Come morning, though,
and I will rest
for you no longer
lightly nest

Upon the heart
that bares you well
and eats your pain
So now -

Farewell.

It's tempting to start a new journal now, but I won't. I'm not a different person. I'm not starting over. There is no "new me."

But I am going to recharge. Take stock of the past, revise my goals for the future, and use the present accordingly.

So here I have the month of November 2003 ahead of me. Blank. Unfolded and waiting for me to cross the calendar.

What will I do with this November, these 30 days to live?

I will enjoy myself. I will love myself, I will recognize and bring out all the beauty and strength in me. I will care for myself. I will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

When I look in the mirror I will look with respect.

So, more specific goals:

-Eat 1200-1500 calories a day, preferably at the upper end of the range since I'm working now.
-Exercise for about an hour every day. It doesn't matter what I do - walking, hiking, biking, running, whatever I feel like - just as long as I do it.
-Stretch every other day.
-Drink 8 cups of water daily.
-Take a multivitamin daily. Gotta remember this one!
-Lose around 2 lbs. per week
-Weigh 123 lbs. by the end of the month and START ICE SKATING!!!

Happy November to you. Those are very good goals you have set for yourself.

The first of any month is a day to rethink and restart. Enjoy November. It is a happy month wherein we remember to be thankful for all the good in our lives.

Good goals 108!!! Very doable!!!

Hey, the ice skating will be fantastic exercise!!!

I'm so disappointed in myself. Here I am, 3 months later, 10 pounds heavier, still living with my parents, unable to find a decent job anywhere, not writing, not reading, not learning anything or creating anything, just sitting on my fat ass and wasting my life.

I just want to lay down and cry.

I think my parents are going to kick me out of the house.

But that's not the most important thing right now. I can worry about that a few hours from now, or even tommorow.

Right now I'm worried because I'm HUNGRY. Not normal-hungry. Not truly hungry. I just want to eat. To binge. To stuff my face with ice cream and peanut butter and potato chips.

I tried curbing my need to eat with some pickles after dinner, but it didn't work. So I guess I'll just write. What about?

Well, today I went ice skating. This is my third time skating in over a year. I feel fat and off-balance, but there is definitely a joy to it. When I know I'm going ice skating, the day feels bright. It gives me something to look forward to.

Afterwards, there's a definite letdown. That's what I'm going through right now. Maybe that's why I'm feeling the need to eat: because I can't skate for a while (my feet need time to recover) and I had to come home and face my problems.

There. I pinpointed the cause: depression and stress. The same 'ol villians in a different disguise. HAH!

You know what? I don't feel the need to eat any more.

:) I'm glad to see you're skating again! And happy to see you back! I've missed your adventures. :)

...an even if the parents kick you out....didn't you want to be on your own?

happy, n on hungry thoughts sent your way!

Jess:
LOL, not many adventures to be had lately, but I missed you too.

Yeah, I DESPERATELY want to get out of here, but I don't have a decent job or enough money for an apartment.

I'll probably be living in my car again. Tomorrow I'll ask the people at my pseudo-job if I can use thei