Okay, deep breath - ahhhhhhhhh, so...

I've been on DT for over a year now. A year which has unequivocally been one of the worst years of my life.

It has been difficult to write about all of the crappy stuff that happened here in a public journal, but I am committed to continuing these journals nevertheless throughout the entire process.

My goal for the rest of this year is simply HEALTH AND HARMONY.

Here's a quick rundown of the year, the good AND the bad -

THE GOOD:

1. I had a fascinating trip to Spain, Portugal and Northern England last fall.

2. I ADORED working with 'screen legend' for five months. Even the end of my work contract didn't bother me as by that point I had more than my fill of the narcissistic lifestyle.

3. I loved the UCLA screenwriting classes I took and have subsequently finished the second draft of my script. I am quite pleased with the script and am totally aligned with the writing process.

4. I weigh at least ten pounds less than last year.

5. I met a wonderful man with whom a real connection might be possible. I'm not certain yet as he's been waylaid by his 24/7 work on a sitcom he's writing/producing with his own money, and I have been waylaid by being away and being sick.

6. Doing yoga for several hours per day for 2 weeks straight helped to heal a leg injury that plagued me for the past 3 years.

THE BAD: (Oh, my, my - where do I start?)

1. I had two apartment fiasco's - one worse than the next causing incredible duress.

1A. The first involving garbage trucks rolling RIGHT PAST THE WINDOW beginning at about 5:00am on a daily basis.

1B. The second involving a unit unclean/unfit to move into and a small claims case instigated by me.

2. Because of said apartment fiasco's, I moved in with my mother (a wonderful, but difficult person) for the first time in over 20 years - since I flew the coup at age 16. Living here has been more than humbling, frustrting and incoventient (her place is located far from my work, etc) but also has provided a necessary respite.

3. The very worst thing of all came when I went away to a month-long yoga teacher's training course - something which I choose to do as a way to IMPROVE/CHANGE my life on very deep and very positive levels.

At the course, many of us came down with a bad GI virus due to poor santiary conditions at the ashram. In my case, I got a bad case of hives as a result of the virus which landed me in the hospital pumped full of adrenoline, steroides, et al.

The worst part of the whole situation was the fact that I was not cared for in any reasonable way (and even treated as though I was merely 'in the way') by the community while I was in the throes of my health crisis.

The only time in my life that even comes close to comparing to this health nightmare is when I had shingles 10 years ago and was temporarily paralyzed and lost my hearing (also temporarily - but I didn't know these things were temporary at the time) on the right side of my face.

Anyway, for anyone who has experienced panic attacks/anxiety disorder, you will know the depth to which I have been struggling this past month. For those of you who don't know, I wish that you never have to understand.

I'm not a type 'A' person. Though I'm quite driven and ambitious, I'm a slow and steady type. I don't like to rush; I always leave early so I can travel leisurely to my destination. Though I wouldn't call myself a mellow person, I basically sport a laid back, 'let's try to go with the flow', type of outlook, so this anxiety thing feels really foreign and uncomfortable to me. It came on because of the traumatic event I described (being covered in hives which can be fatal and not having the people in charge of my well being respond at all appropriately).

I am getting better day by day, week by week. I'm back to working part time, but sadly I turned away a 48 hour film contest that I was to participate in this weekend; didn't feel like I was ready to take that on.

My whole focus now is on being physically and emotionally healthy and balanced:

I run 2 miles a day around the park that is five houses down from my mother's house. It's all on dirt, so doesn't seem to be hurting my body. I want to build up to 4 miles a day. My focus is on creating endorphins that help to lessen the anxiety rather than being focused on losing weight as in the 'old' days.

I eat little bits 4 times per day. Absolutely no sugar or refined carbs. Same thing, focus on keeping my blood sugar balanced and reducing the anxiety response. I am in fact having a difficult time eating enough, as my desire for food seems to have been affected by the health concerns I've been facing.

I take supplements, herb teas, lavendar baths, meditate and do yoga - all to strenghten my adrenal system which was burnt out when I was shot up 3 times in one day with adrenline.

If I looked at these horrid events as purely a torturous waste, I couldn't go on. My personality is such that I must search and find the positive hidden in the muck. I believe that I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for having endured these events while managing to keep my heart open in the process.

Thank you to all who have supported me in the past, and to all who I continue to connect with here at DT as, while in the process of seeking HEALTH AND HARMONY, I manage to drop the rest of my excess weight as it is not serving me in living my most free and radiant life.

Hello Anastasia :)
Sounds like you are on the right track.

you have such a wonderful way of writing things Anastasia. i am so happy to see you back with a new journal.
i know that this coming new period in your life will be filled with successes in all areas...
i will be here cheering you all the way!
hugs bell :)

I am so proud of you for hanging in there my friend! :rose:

You have sure had a rough year - and as I watched you go through it, I felt so bad for you.

GREAT to see you back around DT :D

Jade :peace:

Thanks for the welcome back, guys, though it's already difficult to commit to paper my current state of mind...

I'm not feeling so well today. I'm worried about whether I'll ever see Scott again or not. It felt so amazing to get together with him before I left, so RIGHT.

Many will think this is a bit strange, but this amazing psychic I talk to about once a year predicted that I would meet him for the past two years. She kept seeing this man - she got his exact age - (which is quite a bit younger than me) his profession (someone who works 'behind the scenes' in the film industry - he's a screenwriter and used to do storyboard art on sets) and several very unique characteristics about him.

When I met him, the chemistry was instant. Now she says that our connection hasn't even had a chance to begun yet because he's so overwhelmed by his sitcom project - and she does not think that it (the sitcom) is going well.

Well, I haven't heard from him in weeks - tho I also hadn't heard from him for a while before I went away, and so at that time I called HIM --- after which we got together and had an extrordinary time! At which point he appoligized and said that he's never been so busy and overloaded in all of his life...

I just can't get up the nerve to phone. I keep telling myself 'tomorrow, tomorrow'. I keep thinking that I'll call Monday afternoon cuz I know he's away at a class then so I can leave a message on the machine. Then I worry that I'll end up sounding like the guy from SWINGERS where the guy phones the woman he met at a club and his phone messages keep building in self-consciouness as they grow more and more neurotic. Finally she picks up the phone and says DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN and hangs up! Very funny scene. But not if it happens to you in real life...

I am usually very direct, but when you are that way with men that you've just met, they seem to flee. I can't handle games, but I really like this guy too. I told the psychic that if a man doesn't do the persuing at the beginning, then it doesn't bode too well, but she reiterated what she said before about him being sidetracked.

I don't know!

I DO know that I am WAY too old for this crap.

Those of you in good relationships, go give your spouse a big hug right now.

Also, this morning I massaged a 24 year old who lives in a nicer house than I imagine I will ever live in, has a wonderful husband and just had a baby last week. I am rarely am aware of this kind of jealousy towards others - especially clients, but I guess al that I've been through recently and my worry of not hearing from Scott is all too much.

Crap. I hope I hang in there with this journal and don't get discouraged by having to record the dark thoughts and feelings I'm having these days...

I got up the nerve to call Scott today. It turns out that he has begun seeing someone else. No surprise really since I hadn't heard from him in 3 weeks.

He made it clear by his tone, demeanor and what he said that he sort of wanted to keep things open:

"I had an AMAZING time with you",
"Things aren't serious with her",
"It's just at the beginning stages, I don't know how my relationships are going to unfold in the future"
"Don't be a stranger, we can still stay in touch, you know".

I was very sweet, but as direct as I always am. I said:

"I feel really disappointed, because I was really looking forward to getting to know you".
"Often when I'm approached by men, it's sort of a nusicance, but I knew right away when you came up to me that I wanted to get to know you. I knew you were a writer and then it turned out that we had so much in common."
"I don't know if we had the kind of connection that would develop into a good relationship, but I knew that I was interested in spending more time with you and finding out."

When he kept trying to push for us to 'stay in touch' I told him,

"I'm not the kind of person who wants to hang out with someone I'm attracted to while they are going out with someone else."

I think he was blown away by my directness. At least I feel relieved by finding out the truth and I feel that I kept my dignity by communicating as honestly and clearly as I did

My friend Annette says "Oh, he's got some things to mull over now". And I say, I'm over it. I'm not into playing second banana. I mean, I don't blame him - we barely knew each other and he didn't even know if I was planning to stay in LA or move...but I just have to let this one go.

i admire your direct approach even though i am sure you were disappointed..was he ever planning to call and let you know or just not bother. i think thats pretty poor on his part.
you are such a wonderful gal Anastasia i am sure there is a great guy just around the corner for you.
hugs bell :)

Anastasia, boy you have had a year. I'm so glad you dropped by my new journal, please come again. I have looked for you occasionally, but the last time I found your journal was before you started the Yoga classes. I'm not sure from what you said in the new journal, did you manage to finish the course or were you too sick.

I agree there is something about getting sick that is like the old "Wack aside the Head". Makes you sit up and think. Some times it can really be for the positive, but it doesn't feel so at the time.

Yes, my mother can always push my buttons. But it is not near as bad as it used to be. And I am always aware when it happens, so usually it is short lived.

My mother has been diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder, and she does have and has had pretty severe panic attacks. For years and years she called them menopause hot flashes. She was telling us she had menopause when I was ten, and was still telling us that when I was fifty. Real long menopause. Finally a few years ago after my Dad died a physician made her accept that she had panic attacks. She is medicated now for them and I don't think they are as bad. After she has had one she is usually pretty mean for a while. (According to her, it is always someone's fault that triggered them, usually one of her kids.)

Anyway, it is good that you are trying to get a handle on how to deal with them. I read a great book that I heard about on NPR, it was called Toxic Worry, or something like that. It talked about panic attacks and other parts of the anxiety disorders. And gave a bunch of non medications methods you could use. One chapter had fifty different ideas, including exercise, yoga, and meditation. So you are on the right track.

I'll subscribe to your journal. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Jo

I know Jo, it's such a pleasure to reconnect with you too!

I'll check out that book. I feel like I could WRITE the darn thing now. But I keep stressing that I got this way from post trauma, not from being an angst-ridden type of personality. I really can relate to that MATCHBOX 20 song right now: "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..." But I am definately getting better every day.

I'm an NPR addict - my favorite shows are: CARTALK, PRARIE HOME COMPANION, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, oh, and what's that one from Chicago called - where they cover topics in three parts...

Oh, and Jo - I did 2 weeks of the 4 week course before the hives did me in. I will take another teacher's training from a different school. I still want to teach yoga. It's awesome.

And hey To you Bell! I WISH I believed there was the right man for me just around the corner.

I've been in LA 3 1/2 years and ZILCH. Some crappy dates, a fling with a young Swedish filmmaker I stayed with in Stolkholm two years ago, an almost involvement with a big movie stars stunt double (until I found out he was married) and a shameless schoolgirl crush on a married film director. I keep saying that his existence is the ony reason for cloning to exist - I want one of him for my very own!

And then Scott.

I have been in shock all day. I still don't quite believe it. I felt so strongly that we were to be together. He acknowledged the amazing connection as well.

You know where the mind of a 'fat' person goes, I keep thinking - 'he probably just didn't like my body'.

I confess I phoned the psychic again just for a few minutes today. She has been so right on about everything for 2 years... She said she's as baffled as me because she keeps seeing us together. Wierd.

She says if it's not him, then someone else with some of the same attributes IS just around the corner because she clearly sees me in a relationship NOW. And yes, when I write this down, I do realize how asinine it sounds to be listening to a clarvoyant like this...but she is good...

I ran more than 2 miles today, but I'm not keeping my bargain. I promised to do yoga for the equivilent amount of time that I run to keep my muscles from shortening. I have to get on it.

And I'm not starving or anything, but I'm eating less than I'm used to. Probably the normal amount for someone my size. Seems like I'd be dropping weight more quickly, but my body just doesn't like to do that. I'm thinking one day I'll just wake up and go - WOW.

Like now, my size eight pants are baggy on me. Last year I had to wear some size tens. For all of you tall folks, eight is still a couple of sizes too large for me, but it is nice to feel them getting looser.

Hello Anastasia,
Sorry to hear that things are not going the way you were hoping right now.
Hang in there.
Are you sure you still need to see a clairvoyant?
Is there someone you could be talking to instead, on a regular basis?
Just a thought.
What a treat: loose size 8 pants! :)
You are doing great!

:up: Anastasia, for your wonderful goals of health and harmony! :cheers:

Dunno, though, those baggy size 8 jeans sound pretty good to me! Seems like you are doing great!!!! :up:

Hope you have a wonderful and relaxed weekend and enjoy some glorious food along the way!

Baggy size 8 is good! :up:

Anastasia,

I've seen your picture here at DT and you're a very beautiful woman.... don't worry - I'm sure you Mr. Right is right around the corner. And congrats for working on being healthy instead of just skinny. That's a good goal we should all work toward.

Thanks for cheering me up the other day - I appreciate it. Take care friend.

Willow

Anastasia, you are doing something right, your pants are getting baggy. Good for you.

The name of that book is Worry, hope and help for a common condition. Edward Hallowell, M.D. The fifty tips on management of worry without using medication is great. There ie also a guideline for what he calls rational intervention. His guideline is EPR. Evaluate the situation you are worrying over. Then make a Plan to solve the problem. Finally, implement the plan and Remediate the problem as best you can. Pretty good. I actually drug the book out and I think I will re-read parts of it. I have been stewing about my part time job, worrying what will happen.

You have actually been following some of these steps instinctively the last few months. You have made some plans, but life has thrown you some curve balls.

Hey, my therapist told me when I went back to see him years after the first round. "I never promised you a rose garden, life is not always fair." The thing was, he gave me tools to deal with life. I can never to back to what was.

Hang in there. There is a man out there for you. In the mean time you need to go forward with your life.

Jo

Hi Jo, Willow, Queen Vic, Aria - thanks for stopping in.

Aria, I'm a pretty verbal person. I talk things out with my sister, friends, etc. on a regular basis. My favorite college professor is still a good friend (like a firend/mentor) and he is a psychotherapist and quite a spritual man. We call him 'The Closet Saint'. He has been walking me emotionally through everything that's going on (over the phone as he lives far away).

And the two clarvoyants I talk to are like counselors in a sense with me. They are good souls who focus on the higher aspects of what happens in life more than any 'regular' therapist would. I engage my life from a more spiritual perspective than some, and theirs is a level of discourse I feel comfortable with.

Plus, though it may sound odd given what I'm going through (and have been going through) - but if I look beyond all of the 'traumas' of the year, I actually still feel quite a unwaveringly solid foundation within myself. Always have. Like the stuff Jo was talking about - creating a plan of action for dealing with situations. I operate consitently from that level. I constantly assess things and am QUITE the proactive cookie in my life. Again, always have been. Good follow-through here.

Willow- thanks. The trick is finding men that I'M attracted to (on deeper than physical levels). Tougher here in So Cal than other places I've lived...My lifestyle (or lack of one) here hasn't helped either.

I hope you feel a bit better today. I'll check in with your journal to see how you are.

Anyhoo - I went for an acupuncture treatment today as yet another way of strenghting my system back to normal. I loved the acupuncturist (my chiro recommended her). While she needled me, I had the clarity to see how the Scott thing fits in with everything else I'm going through:

I felt so COMFORTABLE with Scott on such a deep level - that was what I loved. I felt like I had 'come home'. I didn't even QUESTION the fact that we would keep developing a friendship/relationship - I had no doubt as I trusted my inner feelings. Even in our phone conversation the other day he himself marveled - "I felt so COMFORTABLE with you!" To which I relied, "I KNOW!" (Doofus).

And getting the news that he was seeing someone else shattered that profound knowingness I had felt in his presence. It makes NO sense to me. NONE. And when I felt abandoned up at the yoga thing - the feelings were similar. I went to a place that I trusted would be able to take care of my needs - A RENOUNED YOGA ASHRAM - and had that trust shattered as well.

Again, in my spiritual perspective, I assume that my soul is trying to learn/assimilate/heal something centered around these dynamics.

One of my impulses is to feel that Scott is 'wrong' and that he's 'blowing it' by not continuing to get to know me~ but what's funny is that thought makes me think of those reality shows like 'The Bachelor' where one of the scorned women will tell the guy 'You're just afraid of the deep feelings we have', 'She's not right for you, I am' and from the outside you can SEE why he's not with her. I hope that's not the case here - God knows I certainly didn't react like that, but I've been keeping that perspective in mind and chewing on it. Oh, my what is the world coming to when I'm actually getting enlightened from crap TV?

What happened at the end of the acup. treatment is that the acupuncturist (who I so liked) went ourside to make a phone call while I was all needled up even though I had told her during the intake that esp. because I was there to deal with the anxiety/panic, I needed her to stay close at all times.

I began calling for her and there was no response. I called and called and nothing. I began to go into a full blown panic attack - which I haven't felt in nearly a month now - and I sat up with all of the needles in me.

I felt that abandonment again. No one is there when I'm in distress. I feel that she was negligent. it was obvious that she felt badly about what happened, but still - if you have someone come to you FOR ANXIETY and say they are anxious with acupuncture anyway, but esp now they need you close-by - then you don't f-ing leave the room!!!! HELLO.

So, again, I feel that I keep doing these things FOR MY HEALTH AND WELL-BEING that COST ME MONEY and I am getting screwed.

I mean overall I really liked her and felt beneifit from the session, but as I said to her, I hope that having that panic and adrenoline shoot through my body didn't set me BACK in my healing process.

Can't wait till I'm through all of this and life evens out somewhat. It's been a long, bumpy ride for Moi.

What an ordeal for you, that acupuncture session, Anastasia!:(

Acupuncturist is refunding my money - as well she should. She knows that she blew it big time. I feel I'm worse off now than before I went to her, and I really can't afford any setbacks now.

****************************************************

today I heard from one of the women I became friends with at the yoga training. She wanted to know how I was, and to tell me that she also got a rash/hives - from the GI virus - similar to what she saw on me!

She also told me how terribly she was treated while ill out there as well. The swami sat her down and told her that it was 'all in her mind'. My friend answered, 'It most certainly is NOT. I'm quite sick and it is because of the conditions out here'.

She also confirmed that she witnessed the same poor hygenic conditons that I did and informed me that after I left, others got ill and had to leave as well.

I got an e-mail from another friend last week that also said a lot of the same things. I really hope that these women agree to back me up in writing or in person because I truly intend to confront this situation head-on even if it has to go to court.

I'm actually thinking this would make a good story for something like DATELINE - 'Poor hygeniene at cultlike yoga ashram gets masses of students ill and then ashram shirks any responsibility and tells students that their MINDS are to blame!'

****************************************************

One thing I forgot to add in my assessment of how this past year has gone is the profound impact that my friend David Bloom's death over in Iraq had on me.

Yes, it truly has been QUITE a challenging year.





No wonder at the moment I am content to focus on a balanced diet and not be consumed with doing the heavy-duty protien thing that would have me dropping weight more quickly.

I'm happy just to be staying on an even keel, thank you very much~

Hi Anastasia!

Just popping in to say hi!

Your year is challenging but you have such a wonderful outlook. That is so refreshing. You hang in there.. okay?

I will check in soon,

Kimmi

someone somewhere is throwing everything at you girl but you keep on getting back up and sticking at it....thats what it seems like to me anyway.
what an absolutely ****ty thing for that acupuncturist to do...you are coming there for anxiety and she pisses off while you are there like an echidna( sharp aussie animal with needle like spikes).
i am sorry you had to go through that.
Hope your weekend is better.
hugs bell :)

Thanks, Kimmi and Bell, darlings.

****************************************************

Even though my income has been so low recently (for so many reasons - been way, sick, biz is slow this month...) I think that I'm going to spend $200 to have the best screenwriting professor at UCLA read my script and work with me on it.

I really think this script could go somewhere and before I send it to any bigwigs, I want it to have the once over by a professional.

I've sent it out to 7 of my readers and the first one phoned today with feedback! She really liked it and it was so helpful to talk it over with someone.

****************************************************

I am very sad about Scott's decision. It's easy to fall into that place where I think 'He's just afraid of how monumental our connection could have been.' And I DO believe that; so many men have intimacy issues, but the facts are what they are: he choose not to continue to get to know me - that's it, plain and simple.

The other place I slip into is wanting to call him. I want to ask him questions like: Are you really THAT lucky to meet TWO women that knocked your socks off within such proximity of each other - because I haven't met another (single) man I felt like this with in eons?

A friend I did a double massage with today reminded me to just stay in my feelings and to ignore all of this mind chatter. Good advice.

But then she embarrassed me when this guy walked by that she knew and she was like - "Hey, Rick - Anastasia is SINGLE - you are too, right?" It FORCED the guy to say something and he just said, "Yeah, but I just broke up with someone and I've got too much baggage right now..." I just wanted to crawl away and hide.

Hey, how are you? I haven't been in touch . . sorry. IM on Ko Tao - a tiny Thai island at the moment doing scuba diving! Having a ball. And guess what I got!?! A licence for thai massage!?! Im getting lots of practise in too.

How are you getting on though?? I hope your over the bout of sikcness you had from the yoga camp thing!

Sorry to make this so short but im going to be late for diving.

Give me a shout and a quick up date!

Lots of love
Laoise

Anastasia,

I was wondering why I hadn't seen you around lately. I'm not the only one being tested, I see. I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. I can't say I've ever had the anxiety attacks as bad as you, but I did go through a period of anxiety and crying constantly.

It sounds like this Scott is quite a man. I hope he comes to his senses and calls you. I'll bet that he's thinking about you just as you're thinking about him. He may act on it, or he may not, but at least you were honest and upfront with him, and for that he will respect you. Good for you!

I certainly hope thinks get better for you soon. You've had enough for now.

Take care,

Anastasia, just keep on keeping on. And I sure would try to put Scot out of your mind. You have no need to play second fiddle to another women and then hope he "comes to his senses". Whatever the reason, he found someone he is more interested in.

Are you going to try and get a refund on your Yoga classes? It seems to me that one would be in order, especially given the fact that others also got sick.

Jo

Laoise - you probably won't be reading this, but I'll PM you a quick update later. Thai massage is the BEST!

****************************************************

Stacey - Hi. Nice to see you ~ so sorry you're going through it too! My 'anxiety' is not in 'attacks' now since the panic stopped - it's just a general uneasy/exhausted feeling. My friend - a gifted nutritionist, explains that it's because my adrenols were shot and need to rebuilt. She wants me off the asthma meds so I can begin certain supplements she has in mind. That and time... :(

Everytime I see your stats I just can't believe how far you've come!!!

****************************************************

Jo - I remember our mantra - KEEP ON KEEPING ON! :)

You're right of course, I am NO ONE'S second fiddle. I've just had too much experience with men that run just when the connection gets really GOOD. It's so frustrating! And my problem is that I haven't been in a place for years to meet men I might connect with - so this 'chance meeting' (that I don't believe was actually chance) was quite exciting for me. BOO HOO :c( That's all I have to say...

Oh, and about the 'refund'. The ashrams policy is NO REFUNDS NO MATTER WHAT. And I don't know if you got how sordid the place is, but they shirk all responsibility - they say that it was our KARMA to get sick and that it's all IN OUR MINDS. They are scary and cultlike.

My only chance for a refund (plus medical costs which are nearing $2000, loss of work, travel expense, etc, etc) is to sue them. Regardless of the money, I might want to do that to put an end to their deranged abusive treatment of unsuspecting yoga students.

Hi Anastasia :wave:

stopping by to see how you are doing - and I see that you have had quite a bit going on in your life.
How are you feeling physically?
I feel so bad for you.......


Jade

Yesterday a client of mine says to me: "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight since I last saw you! (it's been about 5 months) Looks like about 15 or 20lbs. (no way in hell did I lose that much - maybe I lost 10 max since he saw me). If you lose another five, I just might have to make a pass at you!"

So the message is that until I'm even thinner, this man who is over 15 years older than me and WAY heavier than I am won't even consider me desirable?

Wonder what made me ill about this interchange (besides the fact that a male client has no business talking to me like that when I'm giving him a massage in his living room)? GRRRR.

****************************************************

Today I braved a trip to ROSS DRESS FOR LESS to pick up new white pants for work. My size eight jeans were swimming on me. (only that particular brand - I still wear size eight otherwise). And of course they are huge everywhere but in my hips - where they are still snug!

This is the first time I've shopped in several months. I could finally see that I am definitely getting smaller. I really need to tone up though so am going to check out the local CURVES. I like using weight machines - and judging by my reflection, I NEED TO!

The pants said size 5 - but that is a joke. I tried on a different brand, size 7 and couldn't pull them up past my knees!!!

Good for you, Anastasia!
:up:

man clothing sizes tick me off big time, how can we wear one size in one shop and a different size in another shop....i know over here the clothes made in the Asian countries are ssoooo small in comparison, just the overall difference in body shape i guess...
i dont like that comment from your customer at all.....lots of little comeback taunts come to mind but i will stoop to post them lol...
you are gorgeous just the way you are my dear friend...
joining Curves sounds like a great idea.
hugs bell :)

Hi Anastasia,

Well it sure must feel good to see some results of your hard work! Good for you! As for the fat guy with the big mouth - ignore him my dear - he's an arse!

I've been doing Curves now for 3 weeks and really like it - you should give it a try.

Take care,
willow

Anastasia, good for you on the new pants. I usually judge myself by how my jeans fit, they are so unforgiving. That said, I'm quite sure that sizes are cut larger today than they were 10+ years ago. I have a pair of designer jeans that I wore umpteen years ago, they say size 14 and I can't even zip them. Most of my current batch of jeans are size 12's. Nevertheless, this is the size I am now, and if they get tight I know I need to get at it.

Jo

aria, bell, willow, jo - I trust everyone had a nice holiday weekend? :D

I popped into the local Curves and was wasn't 'feeling the luv' ~ I don't think that's the place I'm lookin' fer: it was small, crowded, the hours they are open are quite limited, I had to park blocks away, and the machines aren't at all what I expected SO...

...either I join a regular gym, or make myself do my handweights again. I thought maybe yoga could tone me up, but I feel I need something more.

I usually don't like the 'gym' atmosphere and have no desire to get roped into doing a long contract or anything - but there's a gym close to here that let me pay monthly a few years ago, and I liked the facilities, so I'll stop in and ask them if they can do that again. Last time the manager agreed to help me I think cuz I was a sweet, young (female) thang ~

I should feel great about all of my pants being loose, but I keep seeing the glass half empty in this case. I just feel (see) how far I have to go! And parts of my body - like my upper arms (which I've complained about ad nauseum here in the journals) - are reallly out of shape.

Not to gross anyone out, but I think some of it is loose skin because of how fast I initially gained weight. I believe that when I lose the excess fat and tone up my muscles, that problem WILL be alieviated, but I know I have a lot of work ahead. Perhaps by next summer I'll be able to wear shorts and tank tops, but certainly not anytime soon...

And, for how hard I've worked (and how sick I was too), I really didn't lose MUCH weight at all. In other words, the payback seems much less than my efforts would suggest, so if I'm not overcome with joy at losing a few lbs, that's why.

I'm just feeling a bit pissy because life has SUCKED for a good, long while now and I want to feel G*O*O*D and have some successes professionally and, oh ~ a nice romance would be NICE for pete's sake!

I'll go check your journals and then off for a run - gotta pound my frustrations out somehow. Better than pounding down a quart of ice cream, isn't it ladies?

Sure is, Anastasia! :D

The famous old farts are dying one after another (we're on our 3red set of 3 in the past few weeks) and now the conjoined Iranian twins?

What is up?

Is it some funky astrological configuration or something?

I either wanted both of them to live or both to die. Too hard to live knowing that your twin died being separated from you.

I'M having a hard enough time dealing with not seeing Scott again. I keep coming back to the fact that I'll bet that it had to do with the fact that I'm overweight.

Our chemistry, our dialogue, our ideas, everything totally clicked - what else COULD it have been?

****************************************************

I ran 3 miles - easily - last night. When I began running again, I barely did over one mile - with difficulty - because my energy was washed out from my illness.

I'm not fully recovered yet, but am pleased to realize how far I've come in just over the past two weeks...

thats awesome that you are recovering and the proof is there in the running my friend.
Dont put the blame back on yourself girl....you are gorgeous and he is just a fool for letting you get away...dont let this make you doubt the great person that you are.
hugs bell :)

Bell, you are always so sweet to me.

I DON'T doubt myself. That's just the thing. I am great/we were great together! That's why I say it must be my weight - men (esp in LA) can be like that. Again - other than his FEAR (which I REALLY think it is) I ask again: WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

ARRGGHHHHHHHH.

And again, all of those with loving partners, count your blessings. I hate being single/dating. It sucks big time.

did he tell you anything about his past dating history? Maybe he had come out of a relationship wasnt ready for another...who knows what goes on inside a man's head.. i just dont want you to assume that it has to be something that is about you.
hugs bell :)

No, I was out of contact with him for a month when I went to the yoga training/was sick and when I returned he told me that he began seeing someone ELSE!

He told me that he had an amazing time with me/felt so COMFORTABLE with me and that we should keep in touch - he didn't know how the relationships in his life were going to go, he wasn't serious with her. Don't be a stranger...

To blow me off - for someone he's not serious about - when we had such an amazing connection makes NO SENSE to me. Unless he was 1. turned off by my body or 2. afraid. I was there - I know what went on between us and to someone not ready to really open up, the energy would have been very scary.

But he's the one who approached ME, so go figure...

As you can see, it's just very difficult for me to process this right now. I meet men, but no one I'm interested in. It's been so long since I felt a connection/attraction like I did with Scott. How could he be such a numbskull and just shine it on like that?

argh. Men. I am sorry, Anastasia.. that really bites.

But, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. You will find someone who loves you. Just don't let your self esteem get in the way.

I know you love LA but don't let all of those perfect bodies get to you. The rest of the world is not like that. They are mostly fake anyway. You are gorgeous and REAL. Don't let it get to you.

I have seen your pictures, girl. You belong in LA.

- Kimmi

ANASTASIA.

PULEASE..... YOU are way to hard on yourself Chicklette. I am sure it is not your BOD! AND.....AND..... if it was ( WHICH I"M SURE ITS NOT) WHY? Would you want a relationship with him anyhows if he is so Superficial?

For all you know He spotted you and was Hot for your bod and realized you were smart too and that scared him. Maybe he was thinking you were HOT BABALICIOUS and what could he get?

Anywhoos if its meant to be it will be if not Say la vie.......


Gosh, I can't beieve you are just not getting over that hideous sickness. I wish I could run, but every time I do they have to repave the street from all the cracks.. :rofl: Oh! Look whos calling the kettle black? Hey that's a dumb saying, Just ca,l me HIPPO CRT!

Sorry about that too Anastasia.
I think you got some nice advice form bell, kussanna and maximum.

Sometimes it's difficult to express ourselves clearly over the internet in a forum such as this. I appreciate all of the support
SO much, but I think my sentiments are being misunderstood:

I don't feel badly about myself. I mean, I am dissatisfied with my body, we all know that, but my feeling is that Scott was a FOOL to pass me up!

I am just calling a spade a spade - it COULD have been my body. That is absolutely true and to deny that would be hiding my head in the sand. Men are visual creatures and yes, obviously he was attracted to me initially and he kept telling me how beautiful I was - but perhaps he changed his mind after we were close. I think it's more likely that he got scared because it was TOO real. Both explanations are possible. I will not know for sure because I am not in his head.

Many years ago, I DID have a man tell me that he loved me but felt like he had an image in his mind that he wanted to be with some skinny, petite thing. That hurt for a decade. Yes, a DECADE. On the other hand, I have a lot MORE men tell me that they are really attracted to my body because they like curves (T & A).

The fact is that I am super confused at what happened with Scott and I stand by what I said - other than fear or the body issue, I can't figure it out because it wasn't like he sounded very sure about this other person.

Would I want to be with someone who rejected me for that reason. No. On many levels I actually have very high self-esteem. I don't put up with BS AT ALL from people because I know my worth.

I was so blown away by the connection with this man that I was just mourning the loss of that here in my journal. It seems like it's time to put this issue to rest now.

****************************************************

And Kimmi - I actually HATE LA, I'm just here for the film business which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!:o

Max - I AM really and truly getting better - I'd say I'm 85% of the way there. I was SO sick and debilitated that it's taking a while, but it is slow but sure.

Last night I dreampt something about my script and then I woke up and re-wrote it and it made things shift in a really good way thoughout the whole story - like the puzzle pieces finally fit! :D Nice to know my subconsicous is hard at work~

At first I thought that my non-cravings for food might be due to the fact that I was sick. Though that perhaps had something to do with it, I now think that it's because I have so diligently been eating small amounts throughout the day and concentrating on protein and veggies for nearly a year now. I believe I've been slowly balancing out my blood sugar.

I may not be the fastest 'loser' but I do feel that I will keep the weight that I'm losing off forever. No radical 'protein only' diets or anything for me. I tend to regain weight when I do something like that.

My mother suggested that I keep the pants that I'm growing too small for 'in case I need them again in the future'. I told her NO. I'm not setting myself up to backslide. I feel deep changes inside - like not having any more cravings. I eat when I'm hungry. Period.

I never thought that I'd ever see the day when I didn't think that buying a package of chocoate chip cookies and eating all of the chips out wouldn't appeal to me anymore ~~~

Even if I slide a bit at some point, I feel that through the reprogramming I've done (mind and body) I will be able to catch it before too long. I'm very happy about that.

There are several men on the periphery of my life right now. I may get involved with one or all of them. We shall see - but none of them feels like...oh!!! - never mind - I said I was putting the subject of 'him' to rest. and I so I shall.

Hi Anastasia!

Thanks for clarifying your feelings in your journal. It helped me understand your thoughts a little better.

It really bothers me that woman who are gorgeous spend so much time thinking about how we can be MORE beautiful...because men and the media say we are not good enough. I am a victim of this as well. I wish I wasn't but I am. We should love our bodies as much as our minds.. even if we are not PERFECT. Don't ya think?

I am glad there are more men in your life. Good for you. Pick and choose, girl.

- Kimmi

Almost like Virgina Wolfe?

Well shoot girl.... I'm glad that you love yourself and see men for the selfish pigs they can be! ;)

Ana...are you Masusing still? Or are done with that?

That's great that you found a way of life eating. Thats HUGE!!

Hi Max - Yes! I'm still doing massages - likely it will continue to be my 'day job' 'til I sell a script. Do'ya need me to work on your sciatica? How is that, BTW? I'll give you a discount - but you'd havge to drive up here to me...

I massaged some amazing folks last night! One of them was a young woman, just 20 years old, who plays drums (Bongo) for all of the jazz greats in Chicago. We spent over an hour chatting before we even began the session. It was her first massage and when we finished she hugged me and said "I couldn't have asked for a better experience!" I felt like I had deflowered her or something! :o

Did Virginia Wolfe dream her writings too?

Kuss - there are always men around - I'm just pretty choosey - I'm not a person who's too keen on 'flings' - or maybe I've just had enough to last me... That's why I've been so upset about 'he who shall not be named' - none of the others even hold a candle to how I felt with him.

Now bear wtih me cause I don't know how this will sound on paper, so give me a little leeway, okay? -

I don't think that it is necessarily selfish and piggish of men to go for who they re attracted to - BTW in the case of 'he who shall not be named (yes, I'm reading Harry Potter - that's where that reference comes from) - I truly don't think that's what it was - I have just been saying what-else-CAN-it-be-since-everything-else-was-so-great?

I do the very same thing. We all do. It's human nature. There's a man in Boston that I've been communicating with for 10 months or so now. We met by accident on line - talking about movies. Personality wise he's the PERFECT person for me and I know that HE'S smitten. (We exchanged photos early on). Though there are other considerations - like the fact that he is NINE years younger than me (tho I do tend to connect with men on the younger side), some of my concern about the possibility of getting together with him is that he's not my type physically. That makes me nervous. I mean, part of a romantic relationship is the sexual connection. If you get along great, but don't have chemistry, then that person is your friend, not your LOVER.

Rob is cute(ish) in the photo - he looks like a cross between Michael Keaton (around the lips) and Beck (odd combo, I know - but trust me - that is who he looks like), but no one I would turn my head at. But physical types can be wierd things - I mean, I don't know if any of you recall, but I am a smitten kitten for Adrien Brody. Many women say "EW! He's got a HUGE nose!" I don't see it that way, I see that he has AMAZING energy, intelligence. talent and oodles of sexuality. It's a personal thing.

Granted, there ARE piggish men out there too, but we all should be with someone who turns us on.

I want to be slimmer and healthier for ME. I don't expect perfection out of myself, but I am looking forward to the day when wondering whether or not it could have been my weight isn't even an issue for me! With men, with acting jobs, with anything - ya know!!!!:tomato:

Ran (er- well, jogged) 3.5 miles yesterday. It felt great. I love the feeling I get from running. :D

Before I had the knee injury my goal was to train for the London Marathon. I am reviving that goal now since the injury has been healed through yoga.

The amazing thing is that I am on my period and I still ran with relative ease. :) Even through all of my health miseries these past few months, the yoga seems to have alieviated my menstral cramps!

The issue NOW is the LA smog. Yesterday was a high smog alert day. I waited until it was cool in the evening to run, but I am feeling a bit wheezy today, so I will likely have to wait until fall to really begin training. Meanwhile it's back to the elliptical indoors for me. :(

Hey Anastasia;

Wow -- I've been catching up on your life since returning from your retreat! Mostly all I can do is shake my head and say...Wow! And look at you, going forward, writing, running, yoga, living your life. I am so impressed!!

Okay, okay, not that that counts for anything! But seriously, look at all you've come through and the balance with which you are handling things! I know you're upset about "HWSNBN," but its so important to grieve these things, though, simply put, facing that kind of grief just blows.

I was reading about his willingness to keep things "open" and I got really angry for you. (Not that you can't do that for yourself, but geez, I could so relate). I also could completely relate to that "I wonder if its because of my body" feeling -- I've been really working on a lot of those self-loathing feelings in myself -- and I just want to remind you that its not your body Anastasia -- its HIM. Its not you.

First, let's get real Anastasia -- 125 pounds and 5"2 -- ITS NOT YOUR BODY. I know you live in LA but even there you have to realize that you're quite beautiful. You said yourself that there are always men around you -- so, no. Its not your body. You're not perfect but then even at 110 you won't be. I am sorry but you know that's true. So, when you are at 110, and (God forbid) something like this happens again, let me ask you, what will reason will you find then?

I had this moment that was profound for me not too long ago. I had been dumped by this man that I really liked. I was on the Muni in the city and this cute guy, about my age, was flirting with me! And let me tell you -- I looked like hell! I was in sweats and no make-up and this really adorable man was flirting with me! All at once it made me realize that all the stuff I had told myself after being dumped couldn't possibly be true because here I was -- at my worst -- and someone DID find me attractive. Well, I realized that the stuff I was pinning on myself was stuff I was pinning on MYSELF. And that extra weight or no -- well, I still deserved better than what that loser I was dating had done to me.

It was very powerful for me.

Okay, so, granted, I don't know HWSNBN but here's what I get from your post. He's an attractive man that showed great promise and you felt very connected with him. Then, he didn't even have the grace or dignity to call you and let you know what was going on in his life. Worse yet -- and this is unconscionable in my book -- when you called to see what was going on he suggested that you enter into a further state of limbo -- wait and see how things turned out for him with this other woman! Ick!!! Run! Do NOT stop! Geez -- What a loser this guy is!!!

Okay, I am sorry if this is harsh. Really. I'll take a step back. But it makes me very angry that he didn't have the the sense to see what a great woman you are or strength of commitment to his current partner -- Anastasia -- he may have had great promise but he's shown you his true colors.

Okay. So here's what else: I think that we all have this tendency to want to understand things -- especially things that hurt us so much like this has hurt you. You feel rejected! Of course that hurts! So, there has to be a reason he rejected you, right? You want to have some control over being rejected. We all do! But, in that effort to try and understand things like this we tend to internalize it all -- its natural, you don't know what's going on inside his head so its easier somehow to reaffirm (yes, reaffirm) how bad you're feeling about yourself. So, its got to be your body. Or your age. Or your income. Or that thing you said that time. Or...what ever. Those are things you can fix (in theory). What if its something you can't fix, Anastasia? What if he's just this way? I don't knwo for sure but I suspect that it might make you feel a little helpless if its something that you can't fix?

Okay, one more thing. I wonder if you aren't burying some other things for you -- like anger with HIM. I seriously don't know, that could be my stuff there but I do know that its a whole lot easier for me to stuff down my feelings of anger and internalize them. The anger comes out - but usually its then at myself in the form of self-loathing (i.e., I am so fat, I am a failure, whatever label seems to fit best at the moment).

What's really scary to me is that, for me, its easier to believe that I am awful than to just accept that the guy has problems. Why is that? And why do I need to give other people such power? (The power to be perfect!)

Okay -- this is kind of a huge ramble but the bottom line is one that you already know, Anastasia -- you're amazing in your focus and resilience. Focus on your strength - its absolutely there but sometimes it can be scary to have to see it. And know that your grief over this man won't wash you away. Truly -- he is the one with the problem here, not you. It doesn't change that you miss him and it doesn't change your grief at the loss (the loss, again?, of an ideal more than the man, I suspect). It can be so hard to separate out who's stuff is what, especially in romantic relationships! But what I see is you giving away bits of yourself in this and you don't need to. You don't need to because his choice is about him, not about you. You are strong, beautiful, and full of promise. He's on a lonely road. Its sad for him but so much better that you're not there!

Okay, this is REALLY LONG! I am sorry, and I'm sorry if I've overstepped my bounds here. I hope you're having a lovely Sunday and I hope you're feeling better these days!

Suzi

Suzi -

That's one of the nicest posts I've ever recieved. It is good how these journals can mirror issues to others (not just with food). Sounds like you have some 'matching pictures' so you can understand from whence I come...

Part of my 'problem' with this whole thing is that the psychic predicted it for two years - down to very specific details. I don't usually deal with clarvoyants who do predictions, but I stumbled across Rita, and she did and it turned out to be true (as did everything else she said - she truly has some sort of gift) - at least initially.

Another part of the problem is that this is hardly the first time something like this has happened to me. You have am AMAZING connection with a man - on EVERY level and they RUN! It's so bewildering. The last man I was in love with like this (SIX years ago - that's how long it's been) said "I've never felt so safe, so complete with, so connected to anyone before. I never though this kind of love was possible and it terrifies me." And then he disappeared from my life. DISAPPEARED!! We had been in a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 years - and after he said that to me in person, I never heard from him again. He screened phonecalls, wouldn't answer letters, etc.

I am on the lookout for men who are afraid - I understand it to an extent - but not to where it debilitates; I mean - get over yourself men, we've ALL been hurt... If I think they are not able to meet me halfway, I will not bother with them.

The really attractive thing about HWSNBN initially is that he came up to me and introduced himself point blank. No games, no pretense. He was just really present.

And when I mourn the loss - in a sense 'HE' is irrelevant! It's the feeling that I'm mourning. We had it together in spades. To be honest, I could care less whether it's him or someone else who I end up having that connection with, but I WANT IT.

One of the last parts of the problem is that I am someone who very much wants children (and always has). I do want to adopt/foster kids but I want my own as well. I'm built like the Fertility Goddess (big breasted, tiny waist, WIDE hips) for God's sake, there has to be a reason for that (to bear children) and sadly I'm 'on the clock' agewise. I would never hook up with someone just to have kids; it's either the whole package or nothing. 8-|

I feel judged by a lot of people in my life (most especially my older brothers) for not being in a successful relationship. I truly believe that I would be great in one - have been 'ready' for years, but that I haven't met the right man who isn't too afraid to dive in. I'm not a pushy person with men - but I am extremely honest both in word and energy and people know that there is no BS with me. If they want to play games and hide from themselves, I am NOT the person to get involved with. :D

Anyway, onward and upward. :up:

Hi Anastasia.. RIGHT ON!

And Suzi, that was a great post. Exactly what I wanted to say but did not know how to say it.

Have a great night,

Kimmi

Ditto!

Just one more reply to Suzi's post - I actually am not angry with Scott. I think that the timing sucked (for me) and that he was ready to connect with someone, I went away for a month - through no fault of my own - and he hooked up in the interim with someone he also clicked with.

I don't feel great about the fact that he didn't get back to me right away about it - but I think that he was at a loss at to how to break the news to me and we didn't have any sort of a commitment - in fact had only been out ONCE before I left. I am all too human myself and I can understand where he was coming from.

I do anger all too easily and for me it can be a cover up for the deeper feelings of sadness. My feeling about this man is that he is an extremely good person. Someone I wanted/want to know.

I am most definitely not angry with myself in the situation either. I think I've been as 'stand up' about EVERYTHING that has happened to me of late as could be expected.

I am however, beyond frustrated with the 'Universe' at the moment. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned, etc. but I think it's been laid on me a little too thick.

And now - as of this weekend - I've got this incidious, wheezy COUGH. Allergies? Who knows. A virus with a cough that I've heard is going around? Hard to tell. But I CAN tell you I'm exhausted from hacking all day long and it's just enough stuff to deal with already!!!!

I need to have a chat with the ALL THAT IS: Yoo Hoo, I'm ready for a little easier time of it down here ~

Yoo Hoo? Anybody there?

I am here Anastasia :)
Hope you feel better soon.
Sounds like you are coping with many things all at the same time and that can be exhausting!
You are young, intelligent and beautiful.
Hang in there, there will be a break around the corner, when you least expect it...

SERENITY NOW :lily:


I am at a loss of words here! So here are my thoughts. I pray for peace to your spirit, and a healing to your body. I pray for the man that hasn't met you yet, that he is having a great day. I pray that you two will meet soon and in the right timing.

:hug:

Hi Anastasia :wave:

WoW! I read back through your journal and you have been on a deep inner thought mood - this is GOOD! :D

This is how we in time see the changes we need to make and come to peace within with the changes we desire but are still not quite obtainable :)

Jade :peace:

Whelp, apparently it's a virus and I was up all night coughing. Canceled my appointments today.

Joined a local gym (though I can't go until I'm better) as I can't keep trying to run in this heat and smog. It's a good gym - uncrowded and w/out the bright lights/loud music - plus they let you pay mo to mo (no contracts).

I think having the gym equiptment to work out on will help my quest to get 'back' in shape immensely.

Hi Anastasia -

You are doing well, aren't you, despite that darn bug. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, fearing the "clock," or even mourning the loss of an ideal. In many ways, I am in the very same boat. It is hard but as you said, I'd there is no way I'd hook up with someone just to have kids.

And, even with your psychic friend, no one really knows what's going to happen. That's a good thing, I think. Its got to be frustrating when someone offers you a sort of promise, though. But, I've come to think that often, what psychics are reading in us is just one possible path, and I am certain that our own energy has a lot to do with it, you know; how much we want that thing.

Still, as hard as all of this stuff is, you're grappling with these things instead of stuffing them down -- how wonderful is that? :ghug:

I have to get to work but will pop in again soon. Take good care and feel better!

Suz

Yes, so true Suzi - I AM NOT STUFFING ANY OF THESE FEELINGS DOWN! How cool is that? With all that's going on, I could be big as a house by now!!!

Crappy few days being sick - so I treated myself and got a massage today; it's amazing how staying up all night coughing can take it's toll physically.

There's a publisher in Cambridge (an EX- publisher) who is helping me to edit my massage book for free. He's the guy who thinks that it's worthy said he would have published my book if he was still in business. Mostly he's having me ADD stories that I kept out of the other version. I'll sit down and do it, but I thought I was done with that project years ago. I'm not that excited about 'revisiting' it, but I do want it market ready...

Y'know how HELL is alogorically HOT? Well, those are my sentiments about LA's weather recently. I miss cool, overcast, moist London or Northern California weather...

And y'know the one reality show I'd really like to see - but can't right now cuz it's on cable? The one where the five gay guys help make-over a straight guy; now THAT was a good idea! :D

hi there friend.
yes i did get the Winsor tapes, although i may have lost my head at some points throughout the 50 minute tape...trying to fashion myself into impossible positions is somewhat fun i guess. Please tell me that it will get easier...my lower back isnt particularly strong so i am hoping that if nothing else the tapes will help strengthen my back.....if they help me flatten this stomach i will sing their praises world wide.
great job on joining the gym, you will be unstoppable plus wont have to run in the smog. renewing your goal of doing the marathon is great to.
Hope you are feeling 100% in no time.
hugs bell :)

Just a quick response to BELL:

Pilates is known for strenghtening the 'core' of the body - that WILL help flatten your stomach. And increasing strength in your stomach (psoas) muscles is the number one thing that will help strengthen your low back (I tell you that as a veteran massage therapist). Just don't overdo it and injure yourself. Build up gradually. :up:

thanks sweetie i knew you would have some encouraging words for me, you always do!
i will take your expert advice.
hugs bell :)

One of my aunt's is visiting - haven't seen her since last August. She is exactly my height and commented that it looked like I've lost about 12 lbs. since she last saw me and I think that she is exactly right.

By her visit next year, hopefully I'll be at my goal weight!

I had to cancel appointments again today due to this wretched cough so I'm barely making any money this week. Times like this being self-employed sucks. :( But self-employment suits me even with all of the down-sides...

But the really good news is that I heard from the top UCLA screenwriting professor who I hired to consult with me on my script.

His e-mail said that he was 60 pages in (of a 103 page script) and was 'totally digging it' and LOVED (yes, he emphasized that word) the main charcter! :D

If he thinks it's film worthy, I as going to work like gangbusters to submit it to the right people. I think that it is film-worhty...

I am happy to hear that everyone is commenting on your weight loss...

I look forward to losing enough weight that people will notice.

thats awesome news from the professor Anastasia :) cant wait til i can say that i know a famous film writer! :)
Sorry that your darn cough is still bothering you...you sure deserve a break in the health department.
hugs bell :)

Nanny - from the sounds of things, you are doing great on the South Beach Diet - folks should be noticing your weight loss soon enough!

Bell - I deserve a break in EVERY dept. I went to do a massage tonight (like an idiot cuz I should've stayed home till I was better than I am) and my car was nearly towed. When I say 'nearly' I mean it was 1/2 up on the towtruck by the time I got there.

And why? because when I arrived at the hotel, both the Concierge AND the Valet (of this hotel that I don't usually go to) TOLD me to park on the street in back of the hotel. What they failed to tell me is that vehicles are impounded after 10:00pm!

And no, I didn't look for any signs because it never crossed my mind that there was a need to as I had no doubt that they were providing me with apt info.

The police officer on the scene was such a creep too. Here I was sick/coughing, sweating profusely from having given a massage in an un-air-conditioned room in this humid heat and watching this fiasco with my car at 10:30 at night still a 35 minute drive from home and I blurted out - "I don't feel well". To which the cop answered with attitude - "Mam, if you don't feel well, we can call the paramedics, but we ARE going to tow your car".

Somehow we (concierge and I) talked them out of it, but I am left with a $45.00 ticket - a good share of the money I made by going out to do the massage. The hotel refuses to pay for it, but I am going to call tomorrow and talk to the General Manager.

My Aunt said that if it was her, she would let it go and just pay the ticket and shut up so as not to jeopardize future interactions with the hotel. Although my personality is such that I don't want to be anyone's doormat, I am able to confront issues like this in a very calm, reasonable manner - but I am always compelled to speak my mind clearly.

The fact is that I wouldn't have agreed to go out to do the massage for $45 less and I wouldn't have parked there if I hadn't been INSTRUCTED to by TWO employees of the hotel. I feel that they should step up and take responsibility for that.

The good news: that I caught them in time before they DID tow my little Jetta away ~

Oh, and I got another e-mail from the Prof. He says:

'Juliet's journey ABSOLUTELY has potential and SHOULD be a movie. Anyone who reads this script would get that. The key is taking this wonderful character and strucuring her journey to it's utmost potential, so that people truly get what she goes through, what we ALL go through as we grow up and learn about the world (hey, there's your pitch!)'

Our meeting is on Monday at noon. So, it sounds like he wants me to change a lot of things - and I like my script the way it is - but that's what I'm paying him for and I know it can be better.

I like the first two sentances of the e-mail. As an R-teest (artist) with a fragile ego, I'd say I read it over a couple of times too many...

D'ya think that the ALL THAT IS didn't hear my heartfelt request that things be easier - or was the towing fiasco already planned and had to be executed before the energy changes. (I'm kidding ~ sort of...).

Anastasia, great news for your script! :)
I can't believe the car "semi-towing" incident and the attitude of all these people.
It is a good thing that you were helped by the hotel concierge to stop the towing, after all they are the ones who gave you the wrong information in the first place.
12 lbs lighter huh? Looking good! :D

Hi all - I will visit journals next time I log on, promise. I haven't done so for a bit as I've been so sick all week. The virus had me down for the count.

Quick updates:

Had a nice, civil chat with the General Manager of the hotel today about the parking problem. As we are both invested in maintaining a nice, ongoing working relationship together, the outcome is that we shall split the cost of the ticket and from now on, massage therapists will get validated to park in the garage! Yeah!

Met with Screenwriting Professor today and it went VERY well. He's the perfect guy to consult with me on this script. (And too bad he's married, because I liked him on MANY levels - the thing with Scott just opened me up to relationship energy again...)


The 'prof' gave me such great constructive feedback, validation, etc, etc. He said again - 'Juliet deserves a film and the thing that makes her so wonderful is the great honesty of who she is'. (Just guess who she is a chip off of?)

The acupuncture fiasco followed by getting so sick again - which prevents me from running - has all contributed to me feeling semblances of anxiety again. I must go out for a short run now and perhaps tomorrow I can begin at the gym.

I keep losing weight - but not in the way that I would like - I'm losing through being sick and loss of appitite. My stomach has shrunk down to nothing. Last night for dinner I ate 1/3 of a salmon steak, 3 cherry tomatoes and 2 slices of cucumber - and I had to force THAT down. Flashbacks of anorexia - oh, the horror.

I know that before this last viral infection, I was beginning to feel better and my appitite was picking up. I'd rather lose weight by working out and making conscious, healthy food choices rather than being to ill to eat.

Toodles - more later

Hi Anastasia,

You are doing great! I'm so glad to hear about the positive reaction to your script.

I sure wish you were feeling better. Take care of yourself and give your body a chance to recover.

Feel better soon,

Dude

Hi Anastasia!

What great feedback on your script. I can't wait to see the movie.. because I know it will happen.

Ugh. Ill and can't eat? Darnit. I wish I could give you a magic potion to feel better. :(

but maybe this will help:

:D :D :D :D

- Kimmi

:nurse: No running deary.....

You'll only make it worse my firiend.... Now be a good girl and CHILL.......

KUDOS on the screenplay... :up:

Hi Kuss and Max - Dude - :hug:

I've been sick/not feeling well for so long that I feel as if I'm under house arrest. I'll be back on line regularly/checking journals when I'm feeling better again... this virus has had me down for the count ~

I feel a bit better today, but still days away from going back to work. I can't even think of how much money I have lost this year with the illnesses, etc. - guess that's why I've been shacking up with the fam - to even things out financially.

Can't wait to move out again as soon as I'm better tho. Plus ONCE I SELL THIS SCRIPT, it will more than lift me up financially. :D Must think positively throughout this process...

I revised my script since the meeting with the Professor and I feel like it's been punched up several notches. I listened to all of his notes and addressed EVERYTRHING he mentioned - the rewrite DEFINITELY lifted the story to the next level. He is very good at his job. And I must say, I'm feeling quite competent at mine. :o:

Even though all of this crap has happened to me this year, I still feel that I am moving towards a time of success and abundance. I feel that very, very deeply. :)

And I'll tell you something else - after having such difficulty eating during my two bouts of being sick, I will NEVER AGAIN look at weight loss in the same way. I've been literally PRAYING to desire food again - today was better than yesterday; I was able to get more down.

I am ALL ABOUT health and harmony.

Health and harmony.

Health
and
harmony.....

Sending lots of get well vibes your way!
You are sounding so positive about your script thats awesome! any little tidbits about the storyline you care to share??????
i am curious, i love a great story!
hugs bell :)

poor woman - sick again - I feel very bad for you.....

Hope you get better super fast :)


Jade

I am very scared about how sick I am again. I just want to be well.! Anyone who is into prayer, again I want to let you know that I'd be grateful for any healing energy you'd care to send my way... I really do believe that it helps. Even if you just sit down for a minute or two and ask that healing light be sent my way...

I managed to eat a little bit yesterday, but last night in the middle of the night, I heard my elderly mother yelling HELP HELP! from her room. My adrenoline shot through me and I flew down the hall. Turns out she was just having a nightmare thankfully, but going into fight or flight response AGAIN is NOT what my body needed!

This morning I'm having trouble eating again.

Yesterday my mother said she was concerned that I was getting too skinny. "Only a mother could say something like that to someone who has to lose about 13 lbs. I said. You're just used to seeing me fat, and my face is a bit gaunt from illness, but look at my arms and legs and..." She got the picture and agreed with me, admiting that yes, she was used to seeing me quite a bit heavier but that I was not in any imminent danger of wasting away!

I was outside for a few minutes yesterday and thought - 'I don't need to weigh myself, I can tell by my SHADOW that my shape is changing.' The shadow used to jut out a lot more at the hips...

I'm not up to visiting journals today. Hopefully soon.

sending healing energy by the bucketload your way sweetie.
Dont be worrying about your weight, i agree. just concentrate on taking the very best care of YOU so that you get well and stay that way.
hugs bell :)

Anastasia --

I'm sending warm thoughts your way, also. If you're up to it, some meditation would be a good boost for your immune system as well. Be healthy my friend!

Suz

I pray for healing to come to your body, AND I pray that you go back tot he DR....

This is not right, you need to go back and demand a answer, What the Heck,,, This just isnt right?

Pulease go back to the DR......

Thanks ladies - and yes on both accounts:

YES Suzi - I meditate DEEPLY for 40 minutes to an hour every day. Not so much pure mantra meditation these days as active aura cleanings, invoking the highest most loving presence to channel healing light through every cell in my body, progressive relaxations and such like that. It's INVALUABLE!

Sadly, being sick like this I haven't been able to exercise intensely which was helping more than anything to balance out the anxiety I'd been feeling from all of the physical, mential, financial, emotional strain of being hit by one effed up thing after another...

And YES Max, I saw my doc on Tuesday - got a full panel of bloodlwork/urine tests ordered. Results should be here in another day or so. Damn expensive without insurance - more so when I haven't been working...

He thinks that it's a nasty, hard-hitting virus that I got because my immunity was already low from what I just went through recently. I was petrified by how exhausted I felt, but that seems to be slowly letting up as the virus is moving out of my system.

I am feeling somewhat better today, but threw up two nights ago. I throw up in the bathroom sink and clogged it up - my mum is peeved at me for that! "Why can't you just use the toilet like everyone else?" she wanted to know... :D Well, when you're already nauseous, do you really want to be kneeling down and smelling urine - I don't... First time I threw up in 20 years methinks ~

As I've said previously, as far as I'm concerned, it's way too much already. Just let me go on my merry way. I've learned many lessons already, and if I'm not learning some of the others, then I'm not sure that whacking me over the head is the best way to teach me...let a gal return to equilibruium first...

Hi :wave:

Please check your PM - I sent you one over 1 week ago and DT says you have not read it yet - it will answer a ? you asked me :)

Sorry to hear you are still not feeling well.

Jade

Hope you're feeling better soon. I'll be sending you some positive energy....... so catch it! :)

Still waiting for results. Hope you are ok my dear. Let us know!

Thanks guys - I just logged on to scroll back and find the name of that book on ANXIETY that Jo recommended. I think I'll go buy it today.

I assume that the blood tests were fine as I haven't heard from my doc. I wasn't really worried about them anyway.

I guess my body and being just were hit with too much trauma in the past few months. The anxiety that I worked so hard to get under control came back after the wretched acupuncturist left me alone on the table and then I got SO damn sick again.

I went to a psychicatrist to get on anti-anxiety meds yesterday, but the medication made me really ill last night, so I'm back to utilizing my own resources. I'm going to do some psychotherapy sessions with him to deal with this post trauma stress - I still have recurrent nightmares of being covered in hives and not having anyone responding to me. :(

My life has totally come to a standstill for the time being until I regain my equilibrium again. I'm not working at all, but my form of work has got to change anyway. I can't be on-call for those hotels 24/7 - it's too stressful and demeaning. I'm spending a lot of my savings to get well, but I will earn money back again - health is everything...

And - guess who phoned this week - when I was at the end of an hour long meditation in which I was letting go of needing things to be a certain way in my life and aligning myself with 'the highest good'? Scott. Yes, you heard (read) me right, Scott. We had a great talk for about an hour. We'll develop a friendship. I get the feeling that he knows he has a stronger connection with me than the woman he's been seeing, but I don't even know what is suppossed to happen. I need to be with someone who adores me, knows that he's the luckiest man on earth to be with me and knows how to nurture and not just recieve MY nurturing.

I won't be up to checking journals for a while, but I'll post occassionally here to give an update:

I should be embarrassed about disclosing my most vulnerable state right here on the site to folks I've never even met before, but the thing is that we're all in this game of life together. We've all had a hard time on some level and are striving to heal. I did nothing wrong - I had some really bad things happen to me and I will not crumble. I have a very preservering attitude and tho I hate feeling this fear everyday, I will find a way to learn from it and get better.

On Thursday I'm going to see someone who works with folks who have undergone trauma and I'm also looking for a homeopathist. Any avenue that works, I'm open to try it...

Happy to hear that things are looking up for you Anastasia!:rose:

Well, I'm trying to have the best attitude that I can, but I would say that this is the hardest time in my life. I'm in panic mode and my life has virtually stopped for the time being. All I want is to be normal and healthy again rather than in terror every moment.

I appreciate your well wishes Aria, but I guess once again, my words via the internet must not have translated how I'm truly feeling...

Please don't feel embarrased about sharing anything with us my friend. I care about you and your shairing of yourself is also a way to help with inner and hence outer healing :)

I sure hope you find a way to fully recover from all of this - my heart goes out to you.

I can't help but to think that somewhere there is a missing piece to your poor health. I know this sounds weird, but whenever I think of you I just keep feeling there is something being over looked. Maybe these recent tests you had done will confirm this feeling/thought one way or the other.

I do know that your poor body as well as your mind has taken a heck of a beating from life this past year, and that alone will make it harder/longer to heal as well as keep your system ran down........

Please know my thoughts are with you :)

Jade

Anastasia --


Just popping in for a minute, I'm sorry to see that things are so bad for you right now! I'll stop back by again later, but know that you are in my thoughts.

Suzi

Hey sweetie,

How are you feeling? Keep us posted.

- Kimmi

I'm feeling like I can finally see a bit of light in the darkness, but that this is quite possibly the most challenging process of my life thus far (matched only by being hospitalized with shingles which caused paralysis that I didn't know was temporary, and losing loved ones).

I'm feeling that ultimately I will understand how this entire experience helped me to grow in ways I couldn't even fathom before, but right now I just want to be over it.

I'm feeling grateful for the support of my family, friends, etc.

I'm feeling somewhat less tired, and achy each day and am eating a bit easier now.

I'm feeling great faith in the homeopath that I'm seeing and the process of healing I'm engaged in with her.

I'm feeling that just on the other side of all of this, my life will be transformed for the better in every conceivable way - I will not go back to banging my head against the wall by being on call for massage 24/7 - nothing is worth that. I also believe that I will pull in a great relationship and experience success with my writing/performing work again.

I'm feeling skinny (for me) as I imagine that I weigh in the range of the low 120's but I still need to lose a good bit of weight and tone up when I'm strong enough to work out again. I will NEVER again look at eating/weight loss in the same way. I can't wait to have my full appetite back again!

I'm feeling that I'm in alignment with my affirmations which I write five times each at four intervals throughout the day:

THE DIVINE LIGHT IS HEALING AND GUIDING ME.

I AM BEING CHALLENGED AND RESTORED BY LOVE.

I AM RECIEVING NOURISHMENT ON EVERY LEVEL.

MY SERENITY AND RADIENT HEALTH IS INCREASING DAILY.

EVERY MUSCLE IN MY BODY IS RELAXING.

Thanks for asking. I'll be back in a while with an update.

Oh, and a PS TO JADE:

I don't think there is any mysterious 'missing piece' to my health puzzle. What happened to me is more than enough to explain the current uphill battle:

BAD GI virus/covered in hives,
shot up with adrenoline and steroids,
suffering from PTSD, (and the 'shock' about Scott didn't help matters),
then getting re-triggered by evil acupuncturist and
coming down with another VILE virus (respiratory this time).

And all in less than 2 months time...

My adrenal glands and immune system have just been struggling to regain equilibrium - and they will. They ARE. It's just not a speedy process - but I am proactive as we all know with my:

yoga,
meditation,
exercise (which can only be walking at the moment),
regular bodywork,
short term crisis therapy,
healthy foods,
supplements,
holistic health care,
rest,
and affirmations...

Cheers!

Went to my second 'crisis psychotherapy' session yesterday. Doc says one more time next week and he thinks I'll be done...

Oh, and for all of those DTers who live in the wierd state of California, please don't forget to vote for me for Governor! :D

I wish I was in California right now. hehehehe.

Great news! Glad to hear the doc thinks you are almost better.

Thinking about you,

Kimmi

I guess your right my friend - when you add it all up your body sure has been through heck! poor woman.........sigh

Love your postive attitude about how you are doing now :)


Jade

Hey Anastasia,

Just checking on how your doing. I miss having you around. :) I'm glad you are starting to feel a bit better or at least can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care,

~Dude

Where are you my friend? Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.......


Jade

Just a quick post to let you know you are in my thoughts. i think that you have a great approach to healing yourself Anastasia. you have been through so much but you keep hanging in there, i want you to know how much i admire your strength of spirit.
hugs bell :)

Anastasia~

Hey there honey...I've been sitting here feeling so horrible because I lost your phone number and couldn't call you back - I've been worried about you!

Then, like an idiot...I remembered I could possibly still find you around here!

You're in my thoughts and prayers, darlin'....I hope to hear from you soon.

Morgayne

Morgayne, after I saw the note you left me here, I e-mailed you a short reply along with my phone number.

I'll likely be back on the site (visiting journals and beginning a new one of my own) in another month or so. I won't post daily as I used to, but I did promise myself I'd stick with diettalk until I reached goal AND maintained for quite a while.

I have a long way to go, but after being so ill, I'm not worried about it anymore. I probably need to lose about 10 significant lbs., but more than that, I need to tone up/rebuild muscle. Once I am well enough to frequent the gym, it will happen.

My system was hit really hard by the viruses and stress I experienced this summer (and last year). It's been a long, slow, haul to rebuild my immune system and get my adrenals healthy again. I'm well on my way, but not back to work just yet. Well, tomorrow I'll go work on a private client who lives nearby...

I focus on writing and healing. I talk a long walk daily, meditate, eat life-giving foods, do yoga, take my herbs/supplements, and homeopathy and know that when I have regained my full radient health I will be the most grateful person alive. I will also be much healthier than before and will continue to forge a new life that works for me on every level.

Even though I'm determined to use this whole experience for my growth in whatever ways I can, I am incredibly angry and frustrated that this all happened. It has been the hardest time in my life - ever. Period. But I AM emerging from the cocoon...

Cheers,

Dear Anastacia,
So how is my girl?? I hope your looking after yourself. It feels a little strange being back here and for my own reasons I nearly didn't come back at all but here I am, ...but this is your journal not mine. I have kept you in my prayers all summer, and have even dropped in on you unawares to make sure you were still keeping your head up. I know you have had a bad year darlin but I also know how strong you are Anastacia. One of the strongest.

You have always been there to pick me up when I needed it the most. Last year wasn't my best either and Im determined that the next will be a big improvement. I reckon we can make a go of it .

Anyway, now that Im back im going to try and be good and come by everyday to check up on my food and everyone else too. I really hope your well and that LA is treating you good,

Drop by and say hi.

Lots of love

Your friend

Laoise

OMG!!!! Check out my stats! Today is the first time in YEARS - (maybe 6 or 7 years) that I had the courage to step on a scale and the verdict is in: I WEIGH 119! This is the first time since my 20's that I weigh in the teens!! The down side is that I must be one of the most out-of-shape 119 pounders around: my arms still hang, etc. etc. etc.

I do walk for an hour a day, do pilates et al, but I really need to do some serious toning/muscle rebuilding.I can't go to the gym yet as I'm still in the process of recovering from post traumatic stress. I am doing SO much better however, but my body was so sick and my emotions were so messed with, that this HAS BEEN the process of my life...

I still actually plan to begin another DT journal one day - perhaps sometime near the beginning of the year - that chronicles my journey of 'gettting back in shape'. But when I saw the number on the scale - I just HAD to go and broadcast it somewhere, and what better place than DT?

Cheers,

Anastasia, wow, you have had a few really rough months. While it is wonderful that you have lost weight, that is a heck of a way to do it.

I scanned back, did you ever find and read the book on worry. The name of it was "Worry, hope and help for a common condition", author Edward Hallowell. I found it to be very good since I am a person who tends to excessively worry.

It is good that you are able to walk, keep doing that. And be sure and let me know when you get a new journal.

JO

Thanks Jo - I will let you know when I get a new journal - I do like to keep in touch.

While this period HAS definiately been the worst few months of my life, and I did have trouble eating for a few days at a go during the worst of times, nearly all of the weight I lost is really due to regulating my eating habits over the longterm.

What I've gone through totally turned my head around and now I truly, ABSOLUTELY see food as medicine. I eat LOTS and often - four times per day - and as I had spent the prior year on DT BEGINNING to regulate my patterns to where I eat primarily leanish protein and complex carbs, several times per day, it was a natural progression to take it that one step further.

I am NOT on a diet. I eat quite a bit of healthy fats (olive oil, avocados), and I no longer shy away from brown rice and other 'good' carbs. When you are dealing with exhausted adrenal glands, carbohydrates help to relax the system. So, ironically, I lost so much weight because I stopped focusing on losing weight and concentrated COMPLETELY on listening to my body and eating for my health.

I never read that particular book, but I read another one called FROM PANIC TO POWER that was also recommended to me. The thing is Jo, my anxiety is due to PTSD, and this is NOT my natural state of being. When I read that PANIC TO POWER book, it didn't relate to me in 98% of ways. The type of person they were aspiring the readers to be is who I AM/HAVE BEEN throughout my whole life: All my life I've been an outgoing, adventurous, risk-taking person - exhibiting signs of panic only during crisis when it is natural that I feel that way.

The psychiatrist I'm seeing agreed that those types of books don't apply to me - as massage/meditation/hypnotherapy/yoga/exercise, etc. are not only my lifestyle, but also have been part of my work life forever and my anxiety is specific due to the trauma and illnesses and just has to work it's way out of my body over time.

The thing that I DO really have to adhere to is not eating sugar though. At all. Sugar/simple carbohydrates has/have a really negative effect on my system. I can even only eat raisins or something that sweet in moderate amounts if mixed with a protein such as nuts or in oatmeal with yogurt.

I did get 3 things out of that PANIC book that I felt were helpful to me though:

1. It said to be sure that what is waiting for you when you get well is not so horrible that you will subconsciously want to sabotage your progress. For me that means PROMISING myself that I won't go back to being on call for massage 7 days per week. TERRIBLE thought. Blech!!!!!

2. It said that when you feel anxious, to just tell yourself that it's okay, it's part of the process, and you are on your path to recovery. This never applied to me before, because I never felt anxiety on a regular basis like I did for the first few months I was back. Luckily I'm not in that place anymore (most of the time), as I AM healing, but today for instance I was in the police office reporting identity theft; someone used my checking account number to sign on for a 3 month membership to an internet porn site (I had a check I was mailing stolen from my mailbox last February, no doubt that is who perpetrated the fraud). Anyway, normally I am pretty hearty and would have been okay while giving the police report, but as I'm still somewhat vulnerable as I'm just starting to heal fully, I felt myself get a little dizzy and anxious. I did that self talk - told myself "Of course you feel like this, it's understandable, don't worry about it..." and although it was still tough, I made it through okay.

3. This is my favorite thing that I got from the book: it said that many people pray to be back to 'normal' to be back to who they were before they experienced anxiety. BUT, it went on to ask, do you really want to be that person again? Don't you want to take what you've learned and be BETTER than you were before?

I love that! My answer is a resounding Y*E*S!!!! I HAVE had a hell of a time, but I am convinced that THE REST OF MY LIFE will be better because of this whole experience - for so many reasons. For one, I really believe, as I said, that it changed my relationship to eating on the deepest level possible and God knows that I needed that. My attitudes have changed. My body has changed. And they KEEP changing - for the better!

I certainly don't recommend a crisis like this to anyone, but since I was given the biggest batch of lemons I've ever seen in my life, I am intent on making the biggest batch of lemonade.

So there.:)

Hi Anastasia!!!!!!! :wave:

WoW! it has been sooooooooo long since I have seen you around DT - I am just thrilled to see you again!!!!!!!!! :D

You are sounding better and hopefully feeling better.

GREAT about being in the teens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Beth :not:

I love your outlook, Anastasia. And I appreciate you sharing it. thanks.

I missed you while I was away but I am back. :biggrin:

Check in with you soon,

Kimmi

popping by to say Hi :wave: and see how you are doing :)


Beth :not:

Happy Thanksgiving :D

Beth :not: