Okay, perhaps writing this down will keep me on track. I was a fat chaild who grew into a fat adult. Then I got serious and lost 85 pounds and lived happily like that for 15 years. In a little over a year, I've managed to regain 60 pounds of weight I thought was gone forever. I really, really thought I had beaten the weight problem thing . . how wrong!

So, fresh start . . . no more lamenting the weight gain, time to do something about it.

Pretty good morning . . . fruit and coffee - and not the entire produce stand of fruit, a reasonable amount. Morning is always the problem for me. I don't like to eat in the morning. I have to concentrate on eating in the morning. So, I'm giving myself a pat on the back for being good.

Danger lurks at lunch . . . I speaking at a luncheon and the menu is fixed - so I'll have to take my willpower (which is usually non-existent) to avoid the carbs and sugars!

Did my 75 minutes of Yoga this morning. SO another pat on the back.

I can do this!

Hi Ronnie,

:welcome: to journals! :D

I hear your frustration about losing, but you've lost once before AND maintained that loss for 15 years so clearly you know what you need to do for yourself, so hopefully with our support here at DT we can make your journey a little more pleasant for you.

If you haven't already pinpointed what happened or what changed in your life this past year to cause you to gain, I guess that's a good place to start. You were obviously in wonderful control over your eating for 15 years, so you know you can do it, but sometimes we have to deal with the "emotions" of eating while we're dealing with the physical side of actually losing. A journal is a great way to put your thoughts and feelings in order and help you figure out why you do what you do. I get great strength and support from my journal and the group of friends who help me along my journey, I'm sure you'll have the same experience, there are some wonderful people here with so much knowledge and everyone is always willing to offer support 24/7.

I look forward to watching your success, you'll lose the weight again, you did it once, you can do it again! :up:

Donna

Thanks Donna and you're totally on target. I'm an emotional eater. I control food when I can't control anything else. This past year has been difficult . . . lots of changes and lots of new responsibilitites.

My dad died suddenly last January and in less than 2 months, we were moving from Maryland to FLorida so that my mother could move in with us. My husband retired after 32 years at his college. He had to stay in Maryland until June, I moved to FLorida in February with our 6 year old daughter. I had to ask my editor for an extension on my book (not a good career move). I hadn't even lived in the same state as my mother for almost 25 years, so living with her one hallway away was and is quite a struggle.

Ironically, she was the worst when I was growing up a heavy child. She has always eaten like a fieldhand and never been larger than a size 5. She considers weight an issue of willpower and lack of character. She isn't at all close to my daughter, which makes things difficult.

Then we have some serious unresolved issues. My son died 4 years ago waiting for a heart transplant. My parents didn't even bother to come to Maryland for the 21 days he was in intensive care before dying. I have a hard time forgiving her for that and I think on some self-destructive level, I've been over-eating this last year because I know how very much it annoys her when I have an extra ounce of fat on my body.

The problem with that emotion logic is that the only person really suffering is me. I don't need a perfect body, but I hate feeling sloppy. I don't want to spend a half an hour every day trying to find something that is comfortable to wear. I don't like not being able to go into a regular store to buy an outfit for an event. Mostly, I don't like feeling slovenly.

So, positive thoughts for myself. Remember that my value as a person isn't determined by how I look and feeling healthy is more important than anything else. Remember too that you have genetic health issues that make extra pounds dangerous and cherish your family because you've been blessed with a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who has loved and cherished you for 23 years. Remember that you've achieved your professional goals and continue to succeed in a career you love.

Remember to be kind to yourself and to focus on small goals rather than punishing yourself for past transgressions.

Food is not your friend. Happiness is your friend. And health and happiness go hand in hand.

Weight this morning: 170 . . . 21 pounds down since Thanksgiving . . .keep going and forget the mini doughnut from Saturday, it wasn't a fatal error

Ronnie, I wish there were a smilie that could clap its hands because that's the one I would insert! You have a great handle on exactly what the problem is, unfortunately its not going to be one thats going to go away any time soon since your mom is under your roof, BUT, maybe this is where journaling will help you.
You probably won't be able to remake your mom into the understanding, supportive person you want her to be, but you can sure vent to all of us all your frustrations and using your journal will hopefully prevent you from feeding the frustrations.

I sure do feel for you, I understand the whole "parental drama" thing but fortunately for me so far I'm just a "mess" once/month when I'm forced to go visit them to take them to doctor appts, etc. Ironically enough they live in Maryland!
I have a hard time dealing with my weight issues and my parents. I too grew up a fat child and into an obese adult. My father was a complete NUT about even an ounce of excess weight so you can imagine the hurt and pain I suffered being several hundred "ounces" overweight in his home! And although I've lost a great deal of weight, I still revert to some "other" emotional place when I'm around them. I'm afraid to eat in front of them, I'm always looking for a dark outfit that will make me look slimmer, I'm an emotional wreck days before the visit, and NONE of my "issues" with them have really been resolved, they're just "happier" with me being less fat. Okay, now that I've used YOUR journal to purge my own issues I guess I should get back to YOU now! (sorry)
But maybe your mom being under YOUR roof now will be a turning point for you two. Perhaps you can grow to a place where you can have honest conversations about what you feel and how she makes you feel. You probably won't "change" her but maybe you can "enlighten" her and help her see what you need from her.
But if talking with her about what you need from her isn't possible at this point, then use your journal to "speak" to her. I find MANY days it helps me to come online and vent in my journal, and its kept me from diving into a pint of ice cream MANY days!

But like I said already, you were strong enough to lose it the first time, you'll do it again! :up:

Donna

Hi Ronnie~

I am very glad to see that you have started your journal also. Donna is right about everything she said. And you can and WILL do this! We are all here to help you.

I understand what you are going through with your mom. I, too, was a heavy child and grew into an obese adult. My mother lost 250 lbs after I was born. She didn't do it sensibly though. She basically QUIT eating. She did end up in the hospital with many illnesses because of her lack of trying to be sensible. Now, she has lupus and fibromyalgia. I don't doubt it a bit that these have stemmed from her weight loss "efforts". The doctor says it is hereditary....well, no one else in our family had either one!

We, too, lived in separate cities until my father died suddenly almost 4 years ago. She went to live with her sister (still in a different city) until a year ago when she moved in with me. I was working full time and couldn't take care of her. Several times I came hope from work and she had fallen some time during the day and I would be the one who found her. Her doctor insisted that she go to a nursing home....she was 57 at the time. Now, at 58 (5 months), she is still there and it doesn't look like she will be coming home. But, she is only 5 minutes away from me and still treats me like the fat 12 yr old little girl.

I have come to terms with my feelings about the kind of person I am and that is what landed me here with these wonderful people. I have received so much great advice ((((((Donna)))))..... I am so happy that you are here. Together, we can move mountains (of fat)! :hug:

Have a great afternoon and happy writing....!

Hi, Ronnie. I'm glad that you have started a journal.

Mothers, they can cause us all sorts of problems, can't they? But if we can manage to forgive them for what was probably unwitting hurts that they inflicted, we are much better off. And certainly I found that dealing with my mother helped me to be a better mother myself. We learn from our own experiences.

As for the loss of your son, I am so sorry and I do understand the hurt that something like that brings. Our older son died suddenly six years ago. I guess time helps heal, but the hurt is still there. And it always will be. But we also have the very happy memories to cherish.

As far as the weight loss goes - you have lost weight in the past so you know how to do it. Your progress recently should be encouraging to you. You are certainly on the right track. It takes time and planning to lose weight. And Diettalk is a great place for motivation. We all know what you are talking about, and we are here to offer support and encouragement.

So just keep plugging away, and success will be yours.

Ronnie

Sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with and I can well understand how thye would result in weight gain. I too lost weight only to regain it during some difficult times in the last year. I made a new start on November 10th 2003 and like you I have had some success. I wish you lots of luck and want you to know you have my support.

Hi Ronnie
I just wanted to wish you success on your journey, although reading your journal it sounds as though you have a plan and are going to stick by your guns until you succeed. So maybe I will be popping in here to motivate myself.

I also wanted to say sorry for the loss of your son and the way that you got through it without your parents support, that must of been hard on you. But hopefully you won't hang onto this resentment, my mother was bitter about alot of things and passed on that bitterness to my sister and myself, don't let that happen to your daughter.

Take care and good luck.

Hi Ronnie..
Firstly, it was nice meeting you in chat! I hope you stay with us all.

You surely have had alot on your plate havent you? I just couldnt imagine the agony your family felt for your son. I am sorry for your loss!
It says alot about you, moving to care for your mother! You have high standards. Some people stay as they are for all their lives, Ronnie, we cant change them. But, they cant take our joy if we dont hand it to them. My father was a bit like Donna's, a bit like your mom too...always negative..But the longer I live the more I realize how imperfect I am also, I guess thats what keeps the steam from shooting out my ears..LOL
After I was grown and married, my father came to live with us, it was hard because of all the things that had happened in the past. But, I couldnt say no to my father he asked me and he had nowhere else to go..I think that did something for me. Made me feel as if I rose above what has always been,you know?
Wasnt a pretty sight at first, because my father has said something kind of mean to my hubby before we were married and my hubby tends to hold grudges .... :tomato: I also felt stuck in the middle.. People might be able to pass bitterness and resentment to you, but you have the power to pass it by.

Keep us abreast of how you are doing, that is a huge life change to be back in mother's domain again! Just tell her you are in the mother role now, and she has been demoted to grandmother lol

I love the quote about harboring resentment. I like to think I've put things in perspective and 90% of the time, I probably have. I'm really blessed to have a great hubby, and more blessed because he actually gets on fine with my mother.

I also agree that like it or not, a lot of who and what we are is shaped by our parenting. I'm the polar opposite of my parents. A day doesn't go by that I don't tell my daughter how special she is. I bend over backwards to make sure she knows she is loved even when she's being punished for some infraction. I make sure to correct the behavior and not destroy the self-esteem in the process. Ironically, that was one of my mother's great criticisms when my son was alive. She used to spend a lot of energy telling me how little she thought of my parenting skills. I have noticed that she doesn't do that any longer, sad that Kyle had to die for her to realize that for me a happy kid with a meesy room was better than an unhappy kid with a tidy room -- and yes, I would have liked both, but I picked my battles.

This is so much better and less expensive than my therapist was <VBG>

I did very well at the luncheon today. I didn't gorge, I selected the fish- great, btw, and passed on the sweets (not a function of willpower - I just don't like strawberries & cream). So, pretty successful. Dinner is catch as catch can, so hopefully I'll behave and keep thinking about how good I was at lunch as a means to get be to the end of the day!

Thanks to all of you for such wonderful support!

This is so much better and less expensive than my therapist was <VBG>

I say that exact same thing at least once/week every week! :laugh:
Journaling is just the BEST therapy, and its FREE! :D

Donna

Good day yesterday. Ate well, exercised . . . the scale went down to 167.5, which is a great motivator.

Deadline keeps me chained to my computer, so I have to remember that sitting and writing isn't buring too many calories. Make sure I use my breaks to exercise. Drink more water!!!!!!

Hi Ronnie
glad everything is going well, at least sitting and writing your not sitting and eating ha ha
Take care