Am I feeling sorry for my self? More than likely! But I sit in front of this computer not knowing what to say other than I am definitely eating myself to death. I almost feel grief in giving up food and eating. I lost 60 lbs on WW only to have something so nasty happen to me personally. I put the weight all back on and all I see is a big fat cow. I don't see any value in losing the weight again. It is not going to change anything about what happened. Also, I am trapped in this marriage. I'm an idiot for putting up with I have put up with, but nothing I can do about it. I will be 60 this summer and just plain scared to death to be on my own. Food really is my only friend who accepts me unconditionally and is just there when I need it. So super negative as this all is, I will continue to write and hopefully some glimmer of hope will emerge.

I am very lonely and bored and spend a great deal of time just watching TV. Where do I start - what do I do to try and feel some motivation and reason to try again. It really is easy to just lie here and eat and watch TV and wallow in my self pity. But that is all I have at the moment. I am going to try and write on a regular basis. Thanks for 'listening.

Oh, Pengwyn..... I feel for you. It's a hard cycle to break, but please know that it can be done. Staying in the house in front of the TV just makes you want to stay in all the more. And the more you stay in, the more you NEED to get out! Believe me.... I know..... I am really good at isolating at times. Are there any neighbors that you can start a walking group with? Or even maybe one that might want some company on a nice walk? It would be worth trying to find someone in your area to walk with and get outside and breath in some fresh air. If you can't find someone, put on some headphones with a book on tape or some music that you love to listen to and even just sit outside so you can get some fresh air and some sunshine.

If you start to get out even a little bit, it will help you to feel more positive and when you can feel positive about things, you'll be able to feel hope again. There is always hope..... Maybe just concentrating on one thing like starting to walk will help you. And once you start to feel better about that one thing, you can add something else. The food will follow because you'll want to keep doing what makes you feel the best and honestly coming from a place where I used to always turn to food for EVERY emotion, I know that healthy feels better. That might be hard to realize for you right now, but I promise you you'll understand when you start to take charge of your life again and start getting things under control.

...... don't let your food control your life..... it's just making you feel worse. Do you have access to a women's counselor of some kind? Maybe that would help you find a place to begin to take some of your life back.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a bad marriage, too. I'm sure that makes things even harder for you. But don't give up on yourself at least..... you are worth fighting for!

Take care and write often.... sometimes just seeing our words in front of us will help us to find things out about ourselves.

Pengwyn,
You posted in my journal and really caught my attention. I want you to post to me here or there. I am in need of losing a lot of weight and have lost and gained about hte same amount! Hope will come from doing and right now you are the one that has to make that first step, I know how scary and hopeless it is to look inthe mirror and seewhat is there what you have to do is be determined to make a little change. Make a tiny goal 1 or 2 lbs at a time because if you have as much to lose as I do (150 lbs) you will get discouraged really fast. I also understand about bad relationships my parents had one and my mom stayed because she was afraid to be alone. Maybe losing weight can help you to overcome this by gaining some self confidence in yourself. DJ is right just concentrate on one thing whether it's getting up and walking out the door to the sidewalk and back! That's more htan you did before and the first step in getting on your way. Please don't lose hope I know it's hard and we can support each other along the way. Remeber tiny steps get you there too. Kim

We met at Dietwatch ..... and at the time you were full of self-doubt and then you began your weight loss journey ....

Okay I don't know what happened to you to make you return to those self doubts BUT I DO KNOW that what you achieved once YOU CAN ACHIEVE AGAIN ...

So my friend how about you and I meeting (privately) chatting one on one ... and getting you back on that road ... I know you can do it ... THERE IS NOTHING YOU CANNOT ACHIEVE .... NO TASK IS THAT DIFFICULT ... BUT YOU HAVE TO WANT TO ACHIEVE IT .... I can't meet with you today but you name the day .... the time (just remember I live on the West Coast so there is a time difference) and we will meet privately you and I ...

I am still here .. don't get me wrong I too get frustrated and tired of this journey ... but I AM STUBBORN sooner or later this fat wall is going to crumble and when it does I WILL BE VICTORIOUS ...

Let me know ..... I am as always, Monica :hug:

Pengwyn,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. It really drags you down even further doesn't it. But I love that you lost it before, that is so great, I am trying to lose it for the first time and wow, it is hard.

I can understand the feeling of just wanting to sit and veg, but you know in your heart that that is not helping anything.

I was wondering about you volunteering to help somewhere, a senior home, a childrens hospital, a library, a church, anywhere. It has been proven that helping others also lifts us up. I was thinking that if you got involved in something like that, that it might make you realize how worthwhile you are, might give you healing, and you would find people who are so grateful for the bit of attention that you can give them.

Well, it was just a thought, hope you don't mind me sharing it.

We care about you here, no questions, no obligations. :)

The title of your journal really JUMPED out and touched me! As a woman that had 4 children/had a husband in school for several years i felt that way at times, but it was circumstances that caused that feeling and not because i was unhappy with my spouse or kids ! It was difficult times that we just had to get through and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. You have the strength within you, you are just feeling overwhelmed. First off i would sit down, make a list of steps for you to feel better, like setting up good healthy tasty meals/snacks. Then add two or three times a day ten minute walking times(most people can do ten minutes) (in two/three weeks add more minutes) make a deal with yourself, if you have a favorite show to watch, you have to walk first. I know for myself, i had to retrain my daily habits(i had NEVER exercised) but DONT start off going from A-Z go from A to E then add more to it every few weeks, can you volunteer at a animal shelter or old age home, that will ease the loneliness. Or go walk at Wal Mart, maybe you will meet someone there or the mall, many walkers there. Only you can help yourself, now get going!

Thank you all so very much for your reading my post and replying with such caring and support. I really didn't think anyone would bother. But it really does mean so much. I've been down before and managed to dig my way out of it, but this time I really feel like I'm truly looking up at bottom. I know my thinking is all screwed up, but at the end of the day, IF I do lose the weight, I will be still be in the same rotten, sick relationship. I just am far to scared to be on my own. So what will I have gained?

However, for some reason, I did not have as strong an impulse to eat badly today. I went to WW to meet a couple of people I know. I didn't go to the meeting as I didn't want to get on the scale. But the three of us went for coffee and a salad. I have this thing about food 'calling to me' - eat me, eat me, eat me. I REALLY wanted a tuna sandwich on a croissant and some gelato - but settled for a small greek salad. BUT then I caved and ordered the tuna on the croissant, ate half and threw the rest away. I did skip the gelato. That was lunch. I ate a small apple about 2 pm and at about 4 pm, I had a coffee and a muffin. Dinner was about 7 pm - went out for dinner and ate a bit of chicken (it wasn;t very good, so I didn't each much) baked potato, very small portion of ceasar salad, coleslaw and 1/2 deviled egg. That was about it.

Wish I could be one of those people who stop eating when they are depressed. I get upset or angry (or both) when I see people digging into food I want and can't have. Pretty selfish, eh?

Has anyone ever experienced a 'panicky' feeling when they are hungry? I can't stand being hungry. Can't figure this one out. :shrug:

Thanks to everyone - it truly means a lot.

Pengwyn,
It sounds like you're making those oh so important first steps! Keep reminding yourself that at least you only ate half of the sandwich and you din't even order the :up: gelato. That is an accomplishment in itself. I understand about not wanting to weigh in I wanted to cry when I started 3 weeks ago. But it does get better especially after the first week. You will do it when your ready but keep making those little changes and it will be sooner than you think :hug:
Kim

PENGWYN, I don't think there are too many people here that haven't lost and gained and lost and gained and ended up weighing more than they start out at. We're pretty much all done that and totally understand how that makes you feel. I've done it more times than I can remember to count. But with all that in mind, I can tell you that you can turn things around..... I did and am on my way down now. So I have no doubt that you'll get there, too!

As far as your relationship goes, what you are probably more afraid of than being alone is the fear of the unknown. You have more strength than you realize.... just think slowly and carefully about what you need to do and then commit to it.

If you concentrate on taking care of yourself the answer to your relationship dilema may come to you a little more easily.

Thinking about you and hoping you have a good weekend! Take care.....

Hey Pen...

In the past I often felt like it wasn't fair that everyone else could eat what they wanted and I was on yet another diet!

But don't think of it as a diet...think of it as a way of life...you CAN eat what you want...just in moderation...watch your portion sizes...try to cut back a bit on sugar and eating out...try to exercise a little...even just a 15 minute walk a day will help!

Here is a WW strategy I found online...maybe this can help you?

http://www.weightwatchers.com/downloads/1033/Util/art/EatingGuide.pdf

Nobody is perfect...don't expect your plan to be...everyday is a new challenge!...If you can afford it...maybe you can see a counselor about your feelings of depression and despair...their are also a lot of great books out there which you can just check out of the library!

Maybe losing some weight...gaining back some control will help you in other area's of your life!

mcmarto

Pengwyn,

Hey I just realized that you are from southern Ontario, cool. I grew up in the Sarnia area.

I hear you are having some rain today. Hope it help the garden.

I just wanted to say that if you are in an abusive relationship you can get out, there are groups that can help you and if you want some information about that just let me know. You deserve to be away from that, it doesn't sound good.

My journal for Sunday, May 9 - Mother's Day. Hubby took me out for brunch and then we joined some friends for dinner. Ate the cakes and pastas, etc. I am a carb junkie. Thank you all so much for responding - I do feel a little better. Had Mother's Day with my kids yesterday.

My stomach hurts from eating so much - it was a buffet and had to get my money's worth, you know. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am not enjoying feeling so bloated and with a bellyache. :c( I have to find my way, my own way that will work for me, but am still fumbling. Boy, food looks so good. Those little cakes just keep calling me and calling me. I have to learn to tell the food to SHUT UP.

By the way, does anyone know how to go directly to the journal section of Diettalk? I alway seem to have a hard time getting there.

By for now.

Hi Pengwyn,

When I read the title of your journal I had to come and read it. Then when I read the posts I realized that we are not that different. I had lost most of my weight before ( a few times) and regained because I didn't think myself mattered. But I do matter and so do you! I have been in some very dark places in my life and have been able for my own sake to climb back. Was a very long and hard journey but I made it back. You can to.

I had isolated myself so I had absolutely no friends anymore. I stayed in my house and never opened the front door to even get the mail for a year!! I would not answer the phone or call anyone. But I did watch tv and no news only junk and ate junk. My marriage was a joke but wasn't funny.

Then back in 98 I got a call from my sis wanting me to come to her house in New Mexico. My dad was dying and she needed me to come help her. So I made myself get on a plane and go to her. I spent exactly 2 weeks with my dad before he died. I spent a whole month with my sis and tried to help her. What I was really doing was helping myself. When I got back home I decided I would not go back to staying in bed or on the sofa and I had to take care of me because no one else would.

So I remember feeling a like like you do. That feeling never gets too far away from me. I just keep remembering where I was headed and what I needed to do to change that.

It is scarey turning 60 with your life out of control. I will turn 60 in 11 months and I am a little nervous about it too. But I am now working on getting myself healthier and fitter so I can take care of me.

I know that starting a journal was the best step you could take to a new beginning. The people here have a base of knowledge that you can not find anywhere else. The support and caring is magnificiant. You will find your way again because deep down I think you really want to but are just a little lost now. I want you to know that I am here to help in any way I can. If you want to talk or just vent I am always here to listen. Like everyone else said just take one small step at a time and you will do fine.

Yes I know those panic times real well. Somehow over time I have been able to defeat most of the panic feelings but once in a while I find myslef wolfing down food and that is panic eating for me. I just have to simply stop and take deep breaths and slow down!! Then when I am calm I usually am not hungry!

Things will get better so hang in there. If you need to talk my email addy is elizandcliff@earthlink.net

Love and hugs,
lizzie :rose:

Good luck...soon enough the bellyaches won't be worth it...and...the cakes will stop talking...

mcmarto

Monday,May 10/04 - :c( Very scared tonight. If I don't stop overeating, I'll die. Doctor told me to 'smarten up' or start measuring for a coffin. Food is really my only friend. I was adopted as a very young child and I think I have abandoment issues as well as being an only child. I never made real friends and when I thought I had a friend I wound up getting stabbed in the back. So I guess I have built up some real defences and I simply don't want to get hurt anymore. And I won't take the chance again. My husband has also hurt me very badly over the years and now more recently. I'm stuck - simply stuck. I can't afford to leave and I;m afraid to be on my own. :down:

Here is something so weird. I will be in 60 in July and my husband turned 60 this past April/04. I gave him a party (cause I felt I had to, I think). My children are talking about my party. I DON'T WANT A PARTY - IF THEY GIVE ME ONE, I WILL RUN OUT AND I MEAN IT. How weird is that?

I just want to be left alone - and not have to live up to anyone's expectations or do things I don't want to. I really, really don't want a party. In fact, I think I will go somewhere for the day - just in case.

Thanks again for 'listening'. Tomorrow is another day and maybe something, somehow will 'click' and I can stop feeling so sorry for myself. But at the bottom of it all, I am angry - really, really angry.

Did anyone watch Oprah today with Wynona Judd? Gotta give that gal a lot of credit.

Pengwyn

Someone just sent me this -

6 Universal Laws for Being Human
*You will be given a body.
*You will be taught lessons.
*There are no mistakes in life only lessons.
*If a lesson is not learned,it gets repeated.
*The more often a lesson is repeated,the harder it gets.
*You know you have learned your lesson when you see your actions begin to change.


I hope I can learn 'my lesson'!

Pengwyn,

I am so sorry at your struggles. But you have to realize that you are not alone in this. There are thousands just like you that are struggling also.

First of all, you need to get some counselling, just for yourself. To be able to get past all the stuff from the past and learn how to be good to yourself.

You have to do this!!!!!!! The doctor has made it very plain for you, you must do it. They could probably even refer you to someone.

Please, get some help, you really do deserve it.

[B]THANKS EVERYONE! :) :) :)

I certainly don't feel so alone and I will look up your daily calendar readings.

Where did you get them from?

What do you do when you feel so utterly trapped in your marriage and it is not possible to get out for a number of reasons? This is why I am overeating so much. I am so incredibly hurt and ANGRY for something totally despicable (sp) he has done. He has said he is sorry, but a) doesn't mean it and b) is only sorry for getting caught -not for doing the deed (and it's not an affair - it's worse). I am not being abused in the physical sense, but certainly in the emotional sense. Now I am becoming an abuser (verbally to him) because he has become so repugnant to me. I just wish the earth would swallow him up and leave me in my home that I worked just as hard as he did to get.

I will die from my weight if I don't get going. The stress if all this will get me if the weight doesn't. I am 266 lbs but he pushes every button I have and then I eat, eat, eat. Now I figure you'll all say - go for a walk or something, but all I want to do is stay in bed and eat, watch TV, eat, watch TV - I think you get the idea. He has HURT ME SO MUCH AND I AM SO ANGRY over waht he has done. I wish I could share it with all of you, I am sure it would do me good but I can't. But at least I can vent a bit like this. I'll be 60 this summer and it seems like my life is pretty much over.

I am looking for a counsellor, but as yet can't find one that can take me soon - I am on a waiting list. I am in Canda and although I think most of you think our health care system is so great, it sometimes takes forever to get this type of help unless you go to emergency. I'm not suicidal- at least not yet - but I can't live like this much longer. I don't smoke or drink - so I eat. what else is there and I can' talk to my friends (not that I really have any) about this.

SCREAM SCREAM YELL YELL POUNDS FISTS, POUND FIST, SCREAM, YELL

Thanks for listening

After my wallowing in my own self pity and beating myself up for being so damned stupid, I have decided to go down the road again and get the weight off. Each day passes whether we try or not - so make each a working on getting the weight off day. I used to use the old Nike slogan "Just do It". I have some very serious marriage issues, but you know, I have decided over the weekend NOT to let someone have this much power over me. So I put the weight back on, - but I have to keep trying. Someday, somehow if I reach out enough (which is hard for me to do), do enough 'research', something will clicked.

I have a sailboat and went down to our boat club today. Well, I looked like a land version of Moby Dick trying to get around the boat. I had to pull myself up on the top deck - my legs can't handle my weight, had to be helped off the boat - I looked and felt like a total idiot. And you know what - I AM NOT DOING THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE. Now I am lying down with an ice pack on my back because it hurts so much.
So, I have mapped out a healthy eating plan - thanks to Kfoard's planner - and I'm off and running (very slow walking actually) puff, puff, puff.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one meal at a time - whatever it takes.

I will need lots of help in my journey, but at least I don't feel so depressed except for looking and feeling like Moby Dick. Interesting - when I started on my trek to lose the 60 lbs., it was boat related too. I was trying to climb out of the Zodiac and didn't have the strength to pull my 265 lbs out of the little boat and my husband was pushing me up and with one giant push/pull, I landed on the grass on my belly with my face in goose poop! Wasn't that attaractive. It was hard (and not pretty) to get up. Then I went down in my boat and cryed for hours. Next day I went to WW.

It was positive thinking that got the weight off and negative thinking to put it back on. So I think I'll have a dose of positive thinking every day.

That's all for Sunday, May 16 = Cheers to all

J U S T D O I T :FLOWER:

PENGWYN

:flower:

Hi Pengwyn,
I read your entire journal and I am sorry that you feel so alone. I will not say I know how you feel but I am up, unable to sleep again tonight, because I am all churned up emotionally and so incredibly angry with my husband too. I have come to the conclusion that I can not let his problems become mine.....it affects my health so drastically!!! But I also just cannot turn away and pretend that it doesn't affect me to see him acting the way he does. I am calling to make a appointment with a counselor tomorrow. If I don't, we will be separated soon. Maybe we will be separated anyways.
I hope you are able to find a solution to your problem so that you can take care of yourself. I care.

In His Grace :spring:


Vickie:x:

Pengwyn, I am so HAPPY you decided you are worth it to try again. Dont EVER feel bad about the small steps you start out with. When i started in Jan. of '96, i could only go two homes from mine and would have to turn back, we all start somewhere. What amazed me was everyday( i still hurt and feet felt so heavy!) i could tell a difference. make a plan and just go down the list and check off as you do what is needed everyday. I found that really helped me, if it was on papaer and in front of me(i also wrote down and calculated cals as i ate to keep track) i had to face it. I looked at it as i wash my hair, clean house everyday, this new food/walking was a n everyday chore to(a good chore though) i only weighed once a week and at the same time with the same clothes on, if the scale is an ememy, weigh just once a month or what ever works for you, for those that the scale not budging affects them, i would weigh once a month. work the new habits and remember you did not get in this shape overnight, you are working mini goals for long term affects! this will take time and patience! Best of Luck! stay strong!

Don't forget to stop the negative talk...get the name "Moby Dick" out of your vocabulary!!! (Unless your reading the book!)...

You are a smart...beautiful...funny...determined...woman!!!

mcmarto

Haven't posted in awhile, but I am still here stuggling. Yesterday I got up & did 15 minutes on the treadmill and ate sensibly. Today, I got up, did 20 minutes faster and then walked the dog longer later in the day. Ate sensibly until my husband came home. We went to the supermarket and something snapped and I grabbed a container of cinnamon twists and that was my dinner. Something in me just says "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" when I am around him. I was trying the South Beach diet, but am having trouble giving up the carbs - but did ok until the cinnamon twists and then I ate THE WHOLE THING! :c( Now I have major hearburn. x-c

What the heck is my problem? I get so frustrated with myself and that I let him have so much power over me. I need to stay away from him. Just the mere sight of him sets me off.

Got that off my chest - tomorrow IS another day.

Just to report because I AM proud of myself.

I DID throw away the cinammon twists
I did lift some weights
I did some crunches and squats for good measure

Now I can't scream (partly because I probably wouldn't stop) but really because I live in a condo and someone would call the cops and take me away to a rubber room, so I kicked an old pillow around. The dog thinks I've lost my mind and had to duck out of the way a couple of times. She is a 4 1/2 lb. Papillon and is the cutest thing on the planet!

Pengwyn,

I just started the low carb thing (i've lost 83 lbs and still have 40 to go and nothing is moving)... I'm trying to follow the south beach diet. It's is so hard. I am on day 6 and it is finally leveling out. The first 3 days were pure torture. I felt absolutely awful. I am a complete carb junky. If you can make it through the first 3 days the cravings go away. I have a bad heart so the water loss has been difficult (i dont do well unless i have a high water load)... anyway.. pushing on over here.

About the husband... i am happy to report that leaving my husband was the best move i EVER made. I lived for 2 years after the divorce in an apartment with a lawn chair, a 12" tv and a mattress on the floor and I dont regret the decision a bit. I was free!

Get the counseling, for me it made all the difference.

Thinking of you!
Kim

Hey...I agree...the first 3 days of SBD are crazy!

I hallucinated about sweets...had headaches and felt tired!...BUT...then it all passed and the cravings really did go away...just make sure you eat every few hours...gotta keep that metabolism humming!!!

Good Luck!

I am proud of you for your "I" statements!

mcmarto

I went lowfat lean protein and started walking, but i went through sugar withdrawl like crazy when i started this journey 8 yrs ago, i hurt for quite awhile( but i was a sweet junkie) i had to have cataloupe/watermellon to snack on in between meals( i used them as my fruit snacks) and if i was having a bad hunger day i ate more of them, once i was over the worse (when my appetite subsided) took several weeks, but i worked at building up my walking daily and always had the right foods around. I am going to get tough here P, you have to make a plan AND STICK WITH IT! work it everyday, if you really want to change your life around weight. I dont know your husband or your situation, but wouldnt you love to get your life in order and just flaunt it in his face, then lets get going girl( and leave those sweets behind) instead try some small slice of angel food cake, cut up strawberries(put sweetner on them) and fat free cool whip on top. I also buy fat free chocolate pudding and mix it with fat free cool whip, tastes like a moussee to me. Hope some of this helps! look at your new life a s a new job, get up and work through it everyday tilkl it becomes an old habit!

Oh Boy - are we twins? lol

Many moons ago I had a husband who I hoped I would wake up and find dead - now I know that sounds horrible and maybe it is - but none the less it is still how I felt. we married with me at a nice 140 lbs and within 1 year I was at 230 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took a very very long time for me to figure it out - many years after we had parted, but I was eating my anger and my hurt as it was not safe to say anything to him and I could not say anything to any one else, so I ate.

after we divorced I decided to use that same anger and hurt towards some good, and just out of plan old spite and a lot of pent up anger and hurt, I burned it all off by exercising and eating well, and lost my weight.

Of course that was history and then came hubby # 2 and so did the weight.......sigh

left hubby #2 and lost the weight

now with hubby # 3 ( some of us just never learn lol ) and yep here I am at my highest weight ever.

BUT now with the knowledge, support and tools I have in my life, I know I CAN loss this weight - I am going back to my "old" method of using the hurt and the anger to build up positive energy and get this weight off.

I am not sure if my sharing this is of any help to you, but I hope so.

I wish I could tell you that if you left your hubby you would be fine and lose weight, but I don't know your finance situation or anything, but I can tell you that you can turn negative into positive for yourself :)

Beth :not:

Hope all is well!

Have a great week!

mcmarto :)

Pengwyn, your dog sounds adorable. I love those little dogs. I'm so sorry you have such a bad marriage. That's always a hard thing to deal with. I've been through it, too, as I see a lot of people have. But I got a court order to get him out and had the locks changed and never looked back. Something someone said to me once really struck a chord with me and that was "if you don't want to be a doormat, get up off the floor!" So I did and have been going forward ever since.

I know it's scary to think about getting out, but if you sit down and maybe even make a pros and cons list to see how you'd fare out if you stayed or if you left. It doesn't seem like things could get a whole lot worse for you.

But you already know that eating doesn't help anything..... it's like you're trying to punish him by eating. I LOVE that saying that birdsongs has on her signature and it's something to the affect of "Holding onto anger and resentments is like drinking poisen and waiting for the other person to die...." Maybe that's a bit of what you are doing. I know a counselor told me once that choosing what goes in and out of my mouth is something I can control. And when we overeat, even though we HATE the weight, if we're in a relationship with a "control freak", sometimes we feel subconsciously that eating is the only thing we CAN control. So we do as we please..... our one form of control.

One of these days the light bulb is going to click and you're going to discover how you want to go about losing your weight and you'll just do it. You're doing a good job right now..... in reading your posts, you're making some mistakes, but you seem to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back out there trying! That's awesome! Really awesome!

Don't let your husband beat you down emotionally..... he's not worth all the pain you are putting yourself through. Take care and I'll keep you in my prayers.....

I just had a thought...... since you are on a waiting list for a counselor, could you possibly find a near by Al-Anon meeting and try going to those until you can get into your counselor? They will teach you how to take care of yourself and that's such an important thing to learn. Something to think about anyway... they are free and I know here in the states they are all over the place.

I've been a bad girl about posting in my journal, so thanks to all of you who have sent me messages of hope and support. It really means a lot. I have been trying to walk 20 minutes every day and have lost 4 lbs this week - first week though.

I had a very upsetting day and although I did fall off the wagon, it wasn't as bad as it usually is. I had a whole small ([I]I repeat, SMALL)[U] pizza, thin whole wheat crust with feta cheese, some black olives and red onion. Then I went out for one scoop of Baskins & Robbins Pralines & Cream ice cream. I don't drink, quit smoking 28 years ago so I guess I eat instead - no guessing about it.

I may be a little hit and miss with my journal as I am trying to resolve a very serious personal problem. As you probably noticed, it does involve my husband and we may have to split because of something he has done. I am damned angry that my life is going to have to change so abruptly and it will be so different. I worked hard all my married life (38 years) and am really ticked off that my standard of life will probably go down. It may seem selfish and we are certainly not rich or anything (not even close), but I worked damned hard for what we have. I will be 60 this summer and am really worried about how I will cope on my own. I also don't work - I am going to look for a part-time job.

How does one really make such a decison considering all the psychological and financial aspects. I have heard that some people consider themselves separated, but live in the same house.

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow and then to try and find a lawyer. One step at a time. But at least I didn't stuff myself and since I had the ice cream around 8 pm, I haven't really thought of food. Not sure why, but I'll take what I can get.

Sweet dreams everyone

Pengwyn,

I don't know if you will like this, but, I am so glad that you are getting some help and I hope there is a way that you can get away from this man. Even if your standard of life goes down, it will be worth it to have that awful person out of your life. You will be able to build up your self esteem and will feel so much better.

I will be thinking of you. Be safe and get the help. You are worth everybit of it!!!!

Glad you are going to see a counselor...hopefully this will help you!

You are in my thoughts!

Remember...everything in moderation...congrats on the 4lbs...and to many more!

mcmarto

I am only wishing you the best, whatever decision you make, only you know what is best for you and your life!

I am so sorry you are going through this......and I send you my prayers.

I am so PROUD of you that you did not go on a food binge! GREAT!!!!! :D

Please know I am here for you :hug:

Beth :not:

Hello dear journal. I haven't been writing because I have been too depressed to crawl out of bed. The counsellor I went to see last week was basically useless and I can't relate to her at all. I am in such a bad marriage and just can't break free. I think the term is co-dependant. I am scared, just plain terrified of living alone. I KNOW I should throw the bum out (and he is a bum), but I am basically living in my bedroom again where I can relax and be me.

The more I think about it, I am not even sure what a friend is. The people I thought were my friends have all stabbed me in the back in one way or another over the years - so I have HUGE trust issues both with friends and my husband. Nobody I know wants to hear my problems. So I live in my bedroom with my wonderful little dog, TV, DVD, telephone and my food. What else could a girl ask for?

So I guess I am back feeling sorry for myself. As I read what I have written here, I see how pathetic I am - but at the moment am I feel totally powerless to move on.

Tomorrow IS another day and I pray for some kind of little miracle. I'm not greedy - I just want to feel better emotionally and physically like there is a some kind of reason to live.

Enough whining for tonight.

:hug: and prayers and to let you know I am just an email away :)

beth_150@yahoo.com

Beth :not:

Dear Diann,

I read your journal entry ..... and I have to tell you YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS .... not only do you have friends here at DIETTALK ..... you have a SUPPORTIVE FAMILY .. who can only lend a hand or listen when you write in your Journal as it is your means of communicating with ALL OF US ....

Now if the counselor is not someone with whom you can relate .... THAN THERE HAS TO BE OTHER COUNSELORS .... and you HAVE TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE TO FIND SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU CAN RELATE .....

I haven't walked in your shoes (except I know what it is like to be fat) but I don't have to walk in your shoes IN ORDER TO LISTEN .. shutting yourself off in your room imo (which wasn't asked for) IS NOT ALLOWING YOU TO MOVE FORWARD ..... we don't benefit by shutting ourselves away .... like it or not WE HAVE TO MEET THE SITUATION HEAD ON ......

My father used to tell me ..... problems are to be mastered and situations are to be resolved .... Diann .... are you willing to throw your life away without resolving the situation. I realize it is so easy to say AND OFTEN SO DIFFICULT TO DO .... but if you allow the situation to persist IT WON'T GET BETTER ..... and the people you describe as FRIENDS ..... aren't imo friends to themselves let alone a friend to you ....

My hand is out there ..... and it will always be there .... and although I don't have the right to speak for others I feel VERY CONFIDENT that the other members of our Diettalk family FEEL THE SAME WAY .....

I am as always, Monica

Hi Diann,
Monica is right we are all here to help and be supportive as possible. I know you are ina tough spot but please do not let the other person win. You deserve better. If nothing else get on the treadmil and release some of the stress by walking. The more you move and the more you get out of the house other than to eat you will find you will feel better. When you start feeling better about yourself then you can see a future full of promise and not the dark picture you see now. I have been almost where you are now and the picture was black! Now I am better and you will be too.

Come on Diann don't give up the ship now! The choice is yours either take care of yourself and start living or for sure someone else will take care of you. I know you do not want that. It is never too late to make better choices for yourself!!

Sending love and prayers,
Lizzie

He has too much control over you!...You need to get it back!

Their has to be something...someway...someone...somewhere...

You need to know ... you are worth it...

If the counselor you saw was not worth another visit...keep searching for another...Don't give up or give in!!!

mc

Diann, stopping by to let you know I am thinking of you :D

Beth :not:

Thursday, June 3/04 - not sure what I want, but I sure think I want/need something. I have just finished a whole package of cookies (small package - but the whole thing nonetheless). Now I feel kinda queasy and still want to eat. I just want to eat and eat and eat.

Has anyone ever experienced feelings of not feeling you have the right to not like someone. I am going through a crisis in my marriage, but aside from that, I simply don't like him and don't think I ever have. His mere presence irritates me, hate the sound of his voice, etc. But I have been married 38 years and somehow I don't think I have the right not to like him. He is my husband and I'm supposed to love him, never mind like him.

Not sure what I'm feeling/thinking but thought I would write it down.

I have only been married for 4 years...but have been with him for 12...their have been times when I felt so angry at him that I honestly thought I did not like him...his daily habits would begin to annoy me...etc...

BUT...those feelings passed...either within an hour or a day........those feelings did not last...

If you have had these feelings for a long time then you need to think long and hard about your marriage...

If you want to eat...and eat...and eat...you are eating to numb past memories...emotions...etc...

You should definitely go to the forum section and check out the Overeaters Anonymous site...my friend fleureange just started it up...it may help you!

mcmarto

I am going to commit to getting out of my bedroom tomorrow (Monday) and do something.

I will walk to the coffee shop (about 10 minutes) - and only take enough money to buy a coffee. I will put a smile on my face.
I will talk to myself some positive thoughts while I am doing it. Hmmmm, gotta think of some.
I AM worth it. I AM worth it. This walking is good for me and I deserve it.That is about all I can promise for now.

Hopefuly, I think I am finally getting tired of feeling so sorry for myself. I have trouble reaching out, but at now I find I am starting to care about my DT friends. Usually, it is me, me, me and more me.

I WILL do one day on my WW program. One day at a time -literally.

I need to be my own :coach:

Wishing everyone a fabulous Monday Thank you all for being here.

Genuine hugs to all {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

:rose: :spring:

Hey Pengwyn,

FANTASTIC!!!! So glad you are getting out of your room and going for a walk, that is so great!!!! Good for you!!!! Keep it up!!!!

As for your post before this one, you HAVE THE RIGHT to feel anyway you feel. And just because you have been married to someone for years doesn't mean that certain feelings will be there, it takes alot from both people to maintain those 'feelings' and make them grow stronger. And it certainly sounds like that is not happening with your marriage and I am sorry for you that it isn't there.

There are times in good marriages that we don't like each other very much, and I believe that is pretty normal.

But........ I am so happy to see you getting out and some fresh air, and of course, coffee. LOL.

You also have the right to do that!!!!!!!!

I did 10 minutes on the treadmill and walked to the coffee shop and bought one cup of de-caf. Then my day went totally downhill.

Boy, can he push my buttons. I do do not like him let alone love him. I have vested 38 years + 5 dating in this relationship, but I can't stand him. Sometimes I know I am mean to him, but he won't discuss ANYTHING. Talk about insensitive. Anyway, I'm tired of talking about it. This talking is good, but I have to take some kind of action.

I got a look at myself when I was going into WalMart tonight and couldn't believe how fat I look. Whoa! Then he left me in the lineup to check out while he went to look at something for a 'minute'. Needless to say, my turn at the register came before he came back. I had to back out of the line, wait for him and start all over again. GRRRRR Then I went to Baskins & Robbins for Pralines & Cream.

The probem is the food DOES MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I know it is for such a short time, but it seems better than feeling the anger and frustration I feel almost constantly. For some reason, I am pushing people away. Ignoring them or being rude. Don't have a clue on that one.

Well, I'm back in the old bedroom with my TV - no food. Hope I can last the night without eating again. I need :peace:

Tomorrow I will walk to the coffee shop again and try to stay on WW for one day. One day at a time.

I refuse to let this man destroy my life - I REFUSE

I will take better care of myself

I DO MATTER

PENGWYN:

:hug:


I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. I know you can do this, and you will do this!!!!!!! If I can help in any way.....I am just a post or email or private message away.


In His Grace:spring:


Vickie:x:

Thank you Vickilyn for your support and to all of those who have previously sent such great messages. I apologize for not doing this sooner, but I have a hard time reaching out - and it's hard for me to believe that you all care. I usually have better manners than this.

But thank you so much - really means a lot.

Double cheers to all :rose:

Whoohoo for Pengwyn!!!!


I love your BIG message!!!

Diann,

The fact that you made a start IS VERY IMPORTANT .... how fortunate that each one of us has a new day to make changes ...

I think you did great ..... now what are you going to do to make tomorrow (Tuesday) a better day ......

YOU HAVE THE POWER AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE WHATEVER CHANGES YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ...... YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON ...

Use your Journal as your sounding board .... imo suppressing feelings with food may comfort in the short term BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE LONG TERM RESULTS.

I have said to you before you have a family here at DT ..... who willingly support and encourage you ..... but YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE YOUR SUCCESS ...

Make it a great day. As always, Monica

You do matter...keep saying it over and over...only positive thoughts!!!

mcmarto

How ya doing sweetie????? Just stopping in to say hi and see how you are. Hope things are going well for you today...

Have a tremendous Thursday!!!!!


In His Grace:spring:


Vickie:x:

Today is Wednesday, June 9 and yesterday I made a promise to myself that I would stay on WW program for at least today. So far I have managed to:

1. Treadmill for 25 minutes at 2.0 mph - .75 mile
2. Got my hair highlighted
3. Pretty much stayed on WW plan. I definitely did not eat from emotion. I will figure out my points in a little while.

Br: 3/4 Cup Kashi GoLean
1 cup skim milk
coffee with 2% milk

Lunch: Subway - Atkins low carb wrapper with chicken, cuccumbers, green peppers, lettuce and both green & black olives. No dressing

Snack: Box of Goldfish crackers - questionable re: WW

Dinner: few bites of caesar salad, small portion of Shepherd's pie, brussel sprouts & broccoli

Bedtime: bowl of Oat Bran Ceral , 1/3 cup skim milk

Not perfect, but a whole bunch better than before.

ALso saw another counselor today who put things in a better perspective and am getting closer to take action regarding HB. I have been wondering why I don't have any friends and feel rejected. Well, I am being rejected becasue I can be offensive and rude and have bad behaviour. Why? I am SO ANGRY, SO VERY ANGRY re: hb, that I am acting out like a little kid because I feel unable to improve my situation. I now know I need to be angry and act angry at HIM and stop taking my frustration and bad mood out on innocent people.

Still living in the bedroom though - by choice. This way I have less to do with him.

For tomorrow: I promise:

1. to do some kind of exercise - TM and some weights
2. follow WW for one more day.
3. be nicer
4. smile :)

One day at a time - ain't it the truth

Thanks to all who read my journal and send me such wonderful messages of understanding and support.

I am sooooooooooooo happy to see you back here at DT :D

Your doing wonderful ! :)

Beth :not:

Oh gosh...you are doing well...and the new counselor!

You go girl!

Higlights too...wow...keep up the good work...one day at a time!

mc

Why am doing this to myself. My totally self destructive behaviours.

I am killing myself with food. The other night I was chatting and someone came on who was 120 lbs and wanted to lose 30 lbs. We all kept telling her how unhealthy that would be and she would be in real danger of dying. I couldn't understand why she would want to do that to herself. Well, duh! That is what I am doing to myself - only the opposite way.

In fact today, (June 10/04) I came to the very unpleasant realization that pretty much no one wants much to do with me because my acting out due to my anger has driven every one away. I am picking fights or starting nonsense stuff with people and then wonder why they don't want to be around me anymore.

I truly just want to stay in my bedroom with my TV, phone and computer and close the world out forever. The world hurts and people in it. I don't want to be hurt EVER, EVER again - either real or imaginery.

I feel so inferior to other people including my weight - I'm not as smart, not as pretty, not as understanding, etc.

I am nasty, I don't smile, I'm mad at the world, I have a BIG chip on my shoulder, I hang up on people, I'm aggressive and generally most often not a nice person. Maybe I am being hard on myself (a lot of people do), but this is how I see myself. I go in the coffee shop I frequent and the girl has said to me a few times "you look so sad". Well, I am sad and mad. I am throwing my whole life away on this damned overeating. I guess it is because I feel so worthless, why bother trying. Therein, my pity party. Poor little me, boo hoo. Maybe that is my payoff as Dr. Phil puts it. I don't have to try - I can just whine my life away and be angry all the time. Sounds delightful.

enough blubbering for now ;)

reading your post made me think of my Aunt( i had a very small family, my Mom, sister brother, one Uncle/Aunt and their three kids) OK, back to my story, anyway, her mission in life has always been to be able to tell people how hard her life is , how worthless her husband was, (he worked a sa foreman in construction all his life, she had a lovely home,cars,clothes, spending money, etc) he was out volunteering for the city(he could build them things for say the rodeo when it came to town other projects) and i dont blame him, she made homelife unbearable. She is now close to 80 and just as unhappy as day one. I guess her payoff was she thought people sympathized with her, when they really werent, we were all wondering why he stayed with her all those years. All i can say to you is get help, and keep fighting to make the changes you need to.

Pengwyn, I think it's a step in the right direction that you admited how you feel. If you feel like you are always mad and aggressive, then it doens't matter how anyone else perceives you.... you need to address this issue and don't procrastinate it. Eating to suppress anger is one of the top reasons why people overeat. There is something you obviously need to deal with and you are stuffing it down with food.

Do you have insurance that you could start into counseling? Or what about starting a Dr. Phil book called "Self Matters"? It might help you address what you are dealing with and maybe help it surface so you'll know what it is that is eating at you.

I used to feel like you do in hating that fact that I overate, but never stopping it.... just kept doing it and hating it and consequently hating me more and more everyday. The more I hated me, the more I didn't like everyone else around me. It's hard to feel loving to people when you are in such a negative place.

The good news is, you have more power than you think you do..... YOU HAVE THE POWER TO S T O P ! I know you'll say you've tried, you can't, etc.... but the reality of it is YOU CAN! You can if you really want to..... you might want to explore what reasons there might be that you'd deep down want to keep this weight on you. As Dr. Phil would say "what's your payoff?" I figured out what mine was and after I did, I was able to see how illogical and unfounded my fears were and I began to regain control of my eating and consequently my life..... I can't tell you enough what a freeing feeling that has been and life has taken on a whole new meaning! Not to say I don't have sad days or down times when circumstances take me out of the sunshine... but "today" I know how to continue to be healthy and continue exercising even when I'm not feeling 100% happy.

I hope you'll keep actively exploring what's going on with you. You are worth it and you'll be grateful that you kept at it when you finally feel some peace about where you are in life. Sending up prayers and good thoughts for you...... take care!

What I don't think I made clear about my last post is that I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!! I REALLY, REALLY DON'T.

It's just that the realization came to me like a hit over the head. But what is most concerning is that I don't know how to change. I'm so used to being the way I am that it has become habit. I don't know I being that way most of the time. I also have to clarify that I am not that way all the time, but a lot of the time and I can treat people very badly.

So for me, it was a HUGE realization and that's why I felt I needed to write it down and share it. Please don't hate me.

For today, I will at least put a smile on my face. :):):)

I think the Dr. Phil book Self Matters (he has a few out go check them out and see which one fits you) is a start. I wish i had the answers for you my dear.

No one hates you, pengwyn....... that's why we take the time to tell you the things we do - because we care.

You need to start somewhere in changing your habits. If you have a library near you, check out a few of Dr. Phil's books like Judith suggested and see which one can get you started to some positive changes in your life. His diet book may give you suggestions on how to start eating properly..... or check out some of the people that are losing and see in their journals what their menu's are like. You could start like that, too.

Maybe just taking one thing and start working on changing that will give you enough of a boost to add another.... do you drink any water? You should be getting a minimum of 64 ounces a day. I drink over 100 ounces a day and have more energy than I have in years. If you don't drink much water, maybe you could start there and make it a goal to get in 8 - 8 ounce glasses of water each day for a week. Start small and work your way to bigger and better things..... if you don't know what size your drinking glasses are - 8 ounces is 1 cup; 4 ounces is 1/2 cup, etc. You can figure it out from there.

Take care and don't give up on you...... we haven't, so you're not allowed! *grin*

Enjoy your day of smiling today.... I hope you enjoy your day!

Hey Pengwyn,

You are doing just fine, you are taking babysteps and you are willing to search and figure out how to change. That is fantastic!!! In the past there have been people even here at DT that were unwilling to change how they treated others and they have gone by the way side, inspite of people trying to help them and being very patient with them. You are looking to change, even though you aren't sure how right now, you ARE searching!!!

Get those Dr. Phil books, take your time reading, slow and easy. And let us know what stands out to you. You have loads of friends here.

So what happened with that special ceremonie, it was today wasn't it? Did you stay home or were you braver than I would have been? LOL.

Hope you are doing good today.

Promises, promises, promises! I have changed the word from promise to committment. I have been feeling awful today - extremely fatigued from a very hectic and stressful day yesterday. I don't want to treat myself this way anymore. In a strange way, I feel deathy - it's the only way to explain it. It's a terrible feeling.

Hopefully, it means I am coming out of my denial of being so fat and not taking my state of being morbidly obese seriously. I know my life is on the line with all this weight - I am about 115 lbs. overweight. My health and life are really in danger. I don't want to die - I'm not ready yet. I have too much to do and see and experience.

I bought a very large bag of cheesies and was going to pig out on them. I ate a few and put the package down. It is here beside me, but it is silent and not calling me. I seem to be at some sort of peace - at least for the moment.

I'm tired of being so obese, having people look and treat me differently. I have gotten so used to the depression and complacency caused by being obese that I'm not sure how to feel othewise. I have been so depressed by this that I haven't had to the will to change much positively.

So I think I am ready to make the committment to myself that I will do whatever is necessary to treat myself well. That's about as far as I can take it right now. Baby steps - but in the right direction.

Diann ...... LET'S GET STARTED ..... ANYTIME YOU'RE READY I WILL BE HERE As always, Monica

Hi sweetie,
It is about time!! I have almost been holding my breath waiting for you!! This is truly a good sign and I sooooooooooo happy for you. I know they are baby steps but how different from the giant steps you were taking backwards!!!!!

I don't care how grouchy you get I will always be here for you. You are my friend! Did I hear you say treadmill and outside walking? CooooooL I was sure I did.

I will check back in later to see how you are doing!!

Love and hugs,
lizzie

Sounds like you might be on your way, Diann...... change that " So I think I am ready to make the committment to myself" to "I AM DEFINITELY READY TO MAKE THE COMMITMENT TO MYSELF!" Don't give yourself any wiggle room. I know you can do this.....

THROW OUT THE CHEESIES..... I used to think I could bring things into the house that I really liked to chow down on and I would just leave them alone. Bah..... I am impulsive and can eat a whole bunch on a quick impulsive move! Don't let them have a chance to call to you..... get rid of them. I used to have a hard time throwing things out because it felt wasteful, too. But then I realized that I was "wasting" SO MUCH MORE by eating things like that..... now I don't bring things that might tempt me into the house!

Remember to take things one meal and one snack at a time if you have to! One day at a time is SOOOOO helpful! You can do anything for 24 hours.... (especially when you are sleeping a fair part of that!) *grin*

Take care and make this week your best ever!

Peng, just wanted to see how you were doing. Since I havent heard from you all weekend. I hope you had a great weekend, and I will probably talk to you tonight.

Pengwyn,

Don't forget, you have been making commitments and changes. You are doing just fine. This is just another step towards taking care of yourself and making time for you!!!

You have been walking, moving, getting out, realizing that you are important and are starting to protect and defend yourself. We have to do it, no one else will do it quite the way we can, AND MUST!!

I am telling myself these things as I tell you. We all need to hear these things.

Glad you are getting close to the next steps. Keep thinking, analyzing and then go for it.

Pengwyn, I would like to suggest something for you to try - it may sound strange, but I have done it a few times and found it quite helpful :)

When you are alone and have some time that you will not be disturbed, go back in your memory to your very first hurtful/negative memory - kind of relive it like a movie of sorts, think about how it made you feel and FEEL it again, then picture yourself burning it! Do this over and over again up to the current time.

This is not easy and I cry and feel hurt, pain, anger, disappointment each time I do it and there are a few things that I have to burn over and over again, but each time I do this I feel a cleansing within myself. I feel healing, I feel more in control, and most important I feel better not carrying this garbage around with me :)

I hope this is of some help to you.

Beth :not:

My days start out pretty much ok. I took someone's suggestion (sorry, can' remember who) to walk past the coffee shop and get coffee on the way back. So I did it, good idea.

Then they go downhill - usually after lunch. But I'm still trying.

silly signature - what happened?

Well pengwyn, to have a good morning is pretty great I think. That is coming a long way don't you think.

Now, don't be afraid to take the time to look at what the first slip up is in the afternoon. Think about why it happened, what was happening, how were you feeling. And if you can, try some different plans to protect yourself against that the next time.

Hope you are doing good today. I didn't make it to my own chat here last night, oops.
I will be in trouble today, lol.

Hi Peng,

I am sorry I missed you yesterday, I am having internet connection issues with my laptop. I was hoping you would come back in. I hope you have a great day and we will talk soon (probably not tonight since its my anniversary). I hope your homework is done :) Actually you might want to post that here, so not only I can see it, but so everyone can see, agree, and who knows expand on it for you.

I just can't get it together and am terrified I never will. I turn 60 in three weeks and I had hoped to have lost 50 lbs., but I'm gaining instead. I'm 266 lbs - bigger than an average football player.

Life is so short and precious, but I don't feel mine is. I think I feel that I don't want to try again - after all, look what happened last time. Lost 60 lbs and put it all back on again - so why bother. I KNOW this is totally negative thinking, but I can't get out of it. I can pull myself up for a few days and then back to the pig out. There has to be a payoff or reward for doing this, but I can't find one. I don't think I care if I feel better - maybe it's best if my life is shortened.

I don't know how to have friends, despite thinking I want friends. I push everyone away and then complain because I don't have friends. But it seems that 'friends' are one way in front of you and then another way behind your back. I trust no one - especially my husband, but I am not in a position to leave. I sit and eat, etc,

I look back to see what my motivation was when I started my weight loss journey last time and I think I was just tired of being fat. I had illusions of finally looking attractive, being able to cross my legs, wearing nice clothes and of not feeling uncomfortable or embarassed in public. I have lost all that motivation as I really think it is impossible to get the motivation back. I think I don't care any more.

I look back at these words that I have written, but am not surprised at the negativity But that is reality for me at the moment.

Please would someone come and smack me and make me smarten up :help:

We all have our ups and downs...but you can't give up!

You have to gain control over that food and your body and say "NO MORE!"

Are you still talking to your counselor?...I sense a lot of negative thoughts that probably stem from things in your past...according to Dr. Phil and Overeater's Anonymous...if you don't rid yourself of these things it will be too difficult for you to gain control and lose weight...etc!

Definitely check out the Dr. Phil book...........and/or.........check out Overeater's Anonymous...My friend Fleureange has actually started a journal here at DT on OA...find it and read it...go through the steps...find a local meeting...

Now the thing is...you are going to have to want to do this...trust me...food tastes good and makes you feel better, sometimes you think its your only friend but in reality food is what is depressing you and keeping you down too...

I hope you can find the help that you need to start your journey in the right direction!

I am challenged by food everyday somedays I beat the challenge other days I don't...I will not give up cause I know eventually I will reach my goal, another girl here for good inspiration is Lisrey...she has a great journal about her journey on losing weight and how long its taken her, maybe visit her journal for a little inspiration too!

I will be back to check on you! :o

mcmarto

sad fact but true - only you can care enough about you to pick back up and move forward again :)

I wish I could do it for you..........

My heart aches for all you are going though. :hug:

Beth :not:

Dear Diann,

I have been debating with myself all morning if I was going to respond to your post ...... and I am glad I thought about it before sitting down right away and writing ....

This past month has been very hard for me .... I lost a very dear friend and I have chosen not to post in my own Journal because every time I do I start to become very upset ..... I have some good days and some not so good days ...

But after reading your post I felt I had to share something TO MAKE YOU THINK .... and the only way I can do that is tell you a little about my mother ...

Let me explain first of all my mother was an exceedingly attractive woman -- I am not just saying that because she was my mother ... she always looked after herself and was always sure that every hair was in place ... her make up was perfect and her stocking seams (thank goodness that changed) were always straight ... in the 1950's (I was 9 years old at the time) my mother had a radical mastectomy .. and after that my childhood disappeared ... because my mother couldn't accept herself ... SHE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE .. more than once ... after a while my father had to hospitalize her in a private sanitarium considering this was the 1950's it was COSTLY in so many ways BUT IT GAVE ME A VERY VALUABLE LESSON ... one that is with me TO THIS DAY .....

Diann, our lives are a very precious gift .. one that we so often taken for granted ..... you like myself are a diabetic ... ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE OF YOUR DEATH in such a way .... ? because imo by not losing weight, by not GETTING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE ... you are imo committing a suicide of sorts ..... and with this disease we have it isn't TO MY UNDERSTANDING an easy or painless death .... and DO YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THAT....

THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE HURTING IS YOURSELF ... and I know that you are smart enough to know that .... I feel I am your friend ... I try to be as helpful as I can ... I listen to what you say and I attempt to offer what I feel are suggestions .... BUT IMO YOU HAVE TO TREAT YOURSELF AS YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND ....

This weight loss journey is like every aspect of our life .. THE CHOICES WE MAKE DETERMINES OUR SUCCESSES .... you have the POWER AND ABILITY TO MAKE THOSE CHOICES ... YOU HAVE BRAIN, YOU HAVE KNOWLEDGE AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO ....

My father used to say to me IF YOU DON'T GIVE LIFE A KICK IN THE PANTS ... SHE'LL GIVE YOU ONE ... I too get tired of this journey ... I too get frustrated BUT AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH I CANNOT NOR WILL I EVER GIVE UP ON MYSELF

You know I am here for you .... but my nature is such that I don't run after people .... I am more than willing to meet any person half way .....MY HAND IN FRIENDSHIP IS THERE .... I hope YOU WILL GRAB HOLD OF IT As always, Monica

Thinking about you today :)

Beth :not:

Hi Pengwyn,
Just wanted to stop in and say howdy. I have been thinking about you alot and hoping that things are going well with you!
Take care of yourself......you will be OK!!!!!!! I believe in you!


In His Grace:spring:


Vickie:x:

Hi Diann,

Just checking to see what you are doing! I hope you are doing something wonderful for you like getting your hair styled, taking a bubble bath with candles in the room,going to a movie or what ever you like to do. I was hoping you were on the treadmill and eating healthy foods.

I will check in again soon and hope you are remembering you are a VIP!!! Also remember I care what happens to you and there is nothing you can say to make me not care. Go ahead and be grouchy and say things but I am still your friend. Think you will find it takes a lot to make us go away!! We all care and will still be here!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie

DITO - what Lizzie said :D

Beth :not:

My heartfelt thanks to Lizzie, Beth, McMarto, Vickielynn & Monica for reading my journal and sending messages of support. It really means a lot to me.

What I don't understand and I somehow feel I need to, is why people are self-destructive. There is man in our boat club - fairly young chap - who proabably doesn't have long to live. From what I can tell and from mutual friends, it is pretty much self imposed. He is a diabetic who didn't take care of himself, now has serious liver problems. Everyone is saying it is because he didn't take care of himself. He already looks like death warmed over as they say.

I think to myself he should take care of himself, eat properly and get his diabetes under control, etc., etc. Why does he do this to himself? Just eat right, get rest, blah, blah. But who the heck am I to talk when I am doing the same thing by not taking care of myself. I am not ready to die yet, but for some reason I have these self destructive tendencies to not take care of myself.

Any clues?

Ok Pengwyn,

We know what to do, we know that our lives depend on it, NOW, what are we going to do? When do we start? Why do we take the crap and knock ourselves down? We don't deserve it, no one does!!!! So are we just going to sit around and let them 'slap us in the head' till there is no hope left?????? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

So what is something that we can do today, this minute, and what 'realistic' plan can we make for this morning, or this afternoon, that will take us a baby step toward our goal.

I think sometimes that we have to get into a fighting mode, not that we will actually get aggressive toward others but that we are protecting ourselves so that no one can mess us up!!!

Well, I need to make a plan for this week too. We will have to compare plans.

See you soon

Hi Pen, You were in chat last night so I thought I would stop in to visit your journal. Hope you are doing well and realizing your value to those around you and that you also have friends here. Please don't give up. Those who fail are only those who quit trying. I am having to learn that dieting will not be daily successes. I will have ups and downs just like in like. Dieting is a life long program. I remember R. Simmons long ago calling it a Live - et program rather than a Die - et program. I have gotten some enlightening advice from Anne Collins web site. It has helped me see the importance of making this a life change, not an instant change.

Good luck on the days ahead.

Gosh...that is a tough one...

Why do people drink...smoke...do drugs...overeat...etc...when we all know its bad for us?...I guess its an addiction...maybe this man you know just lost all hope cause he was sick and he figured he was going to die anyway???...But...most of us don't think that way.......

I think that we get into these bad habits and it takes more strength and power to break the habits so we try...fail...and then give up...

Though...most of us keep trying...and trying...and trying...I say...just don't give up...eventually it will stick and you will reach your goals!

I also believe that for many of us their are underlying reasons why we do what we do...and...sometimes we need to seek help from therapists or counselors...etc...the only thing is that we have to be open to the help...etc...

mcmarto

You nailed it Mcmarco! My thoughts exactly, change is hard, but so worth it.

well I know for myself ( and I am not saying this is for you ) being quite truthful here - it is easier to keep doing what I know to do then to get off my rear end and change.

I have very recently realized that my weight loss and my life success depends on me to require more of myself - not of anyone else - just of myself for myself :)

Thinking of you!

Beth :not:

I haven't posted in a while - just don't know what to say - not sure what I am feeling other than totally hopeless. I am beginning to think that losing weight just doesn't matter anymore - nothing really does. I read others' journals and you all seem so positive and are trying so hard. I just can't do that - at least not now. I will turn 60 on July 15 and this has depressed me terribly. I am in the fall of my life and I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know my husband in tryng to put a party of sorts together for me but I don't want anything - I truly don't. I just want to be left alone. I don't want gifts, cake or making happy, happy.

I sincerely apologize if this brings anyone down - it is not my intent. I feel my feet swelling in the heat, I am getting short of breath when walking - I'm at my heaviest weight ever now - 269 lbs. I just don't care anymore and I can't find the energy to try.

I'm not sure if I will journal for a while - best wishes to everyone and thank you all for your support.

Dear Diann,

I don't know what to say to you .... I read what you wrote and I only wish I had some answers to give you TO MAKE YOU SEE THAT YOUR LIFE IS AS GOOD AS YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE IT .....

I understand depression .... I have been in that situation AND BELIEVE ME IT IS A PLACE WHERE IT IS EASY TO REMAIN AND DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF ...

I can't speak for others but I can say for myself that I have often grown tired of this weight loss journey ..... become frustrated not only because of the weight loss but because of the spikes in my blood sugar .... BUT SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME ... IRREGARDLESS OF HOW FRUSTRATED I BECOME ... WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF .... I may joke about my stubbornness ... but I AM AFRAID of what will and can happen IF I DON'T ....

I choose to be the person in control of my own life .... each person has choices to make .... and turning 60 doesn't mean the end (the years of age don't matter) -- IT CAN BE A NEW BEGINNING ... just as it is that every day when you and I open our eyes to see the world IS A MIRACLE .....

No one that I know of HAS HAD A LIFE FREE OF PROBLEMS ..... but I was taught that FACING THE PROBLEM AND DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM . ..... SHOWS STRENGTH OF THE HUMAN NATURE ..... if my father was alive he would be able to tell you after being interred and tortured by the Japanese THAT LIFE IS A VERY PRECIOUS THING ...

You know that I am here for you ..... I am as always, Monica

I hope that you do keep journaling...it may help you in the end!

Getting into a funk happens...but you have to help yourself get out of it...and then you will be all funky with working out and eating right...baby steps!

From FUNK to FUNKY!!!

:( to :dc

mcmarto

Dear Diann,
I read your post this morning and it reminded me of my problems with depression......twice I have battled deep depression....once I had my suicide all planned and was beginning the process of writing my goodbyes to my family and deposing of my worldly possessions. My journal.....a notebook I kept with me all the time.....saved my life. I wrote everything into that book. And I reread it often. It finally spurned me to seek medical help.
I don't like to admit that I am prone to clinical depression....that I have been suicidal....that I must resort to using medication sometimes. But being honest about it is what is pushing me forward in my quest to make myself healthy again.....totally healthy....physically, mentally, emotionally. I have to face the issues that causes me to slide into that black hole and down that slippery slope. Giving myself that journal where I could be honest....at least with myself at the beginning...also gave me life. Please don't give that up.....don't give up on yourself. Terrible things happen to us sometimes. We must learn how to deal with them to survive. Sometimes that means starting over and over and over. Be honest with yourself and keep some type of journal.....I promise you it will become invaluable to you in time.
I still keep a private journal. No one reads it but me. But I still have that old journal with all the dark thoughts and the suicide plots and the pain written down in black and white. I read it sometimes and I still am learning valuable lessons from the words I wrote many years ago.
You will remain in my heart and my thoughts and my prayers. I do care about you. Please never give up.


In HIS Grace:spring:


Vickie:x:

Diann,

First of all, I love your name and the way you spell it.

Second, I just wanted to apologize for leaving chat without notice, my computer completely lost its internet connection, I couldn't do anything. Sorry.

HOpe you are doing good, getting your homework done and taking care of yourself.

See ya.

I also suffer with depression and I have for years. I also fall into that pit of "what for"...so I KNOW exactly how you are feeling.
Maybe talking to your family doctor can help. You know, I never wanted to do the drugs that UPLIFT you, but I hear that depression and anxiety can actually hinder you from losing weight because it produces too much hormone.
So I'm thinking about getting on something safe to even out my moods. Also, Right now I exercise daily and that staves off the depression...when I don't exercise I can feel it actually just build up in my cells...so then it just gets worse and worse.
Then I get tired of feeling depressed and crying all the time, so I start exercising again...It really does work.
Even if you decide to walk, that will do it. I go walking every day now. ( I have only been doing this for three weeks...but if you go back and read my posts from three weeks ago, you won't find happy go lucky, you will find gloom and despair!)
You know, it's easy to look around here and think every one is happy, but I have found sooooo many posts today of people feeling really crummy about themselves.
When some of us are up, some are down, and when some are down, others are up...that's what makes this place so ideal! When I am down, I reach up and someone is always there with a helping hand and encouraging words...when I am up, I go looking for those who are down, and go find them to bring them up.
You are not alone.
This is not an easy road, and it's not a short road, and it's not even a fair road...but whether you like it or not, (and none of us like it!), we are on THIS road.
We are together and not alone anymore, and I will help ease your burden...You can lean on me...and if I can, I will put you on my back and carry you for a while! You aint heavy...You're my sister!
When ya can....we'll walk together. I will be here for you. If you want, PM me...And 60 just isn't all that old anymore. Cher is almost that age or older now, isn't she???
You go girl!
Love, Jess :)

Thinking of you :hug:

Beth :not:

Have been thinking of you and glad to see you are journaling. I know that in reading many of these journals it seems everyone is losing and doing so well. But there are many entries of people who have had bad days or lost if for a while and came back. that is why we are all here. We support each other and know we have to change something in ourselves and our thinking.

Happy Birthday Diann!!!

Just wanted to wish you a very special birthday!!! Please remember, you are a very special person, you deserve many joys and much happiness!!! Be good to yourself today, for us, please.

Happy Birthday! :D I don't really know how to do the big elaborate decorating like Nancy did, but I want to wish you the happiest birthday ever! God Bless You Real Good! Have a wonderful Birthday! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE....(and some cookies too....maybe just a bit of milk too.....) :D

Happy Birthday Toooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuu...Happy Birthdayy toooo youuuuuuuu....., Happy Birthdaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy Diaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn....Happy Biiiiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaaaay toooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...I have such a good singing voice...I should join the opera, yep!

Happy Birthday Diann,
I know you don't want to make BIG DEAL OUT OF YOUR BIRTHDAY but you do not turn60 EVERYDAY.

So have :bd a wonderful birthday!!!!!

:balloons: :bd :balloons:


Love and hugs,
Lizzie

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Thank you all for such wonderful heartfelt birthday greetings. [COLOR=Sienna] Where in DT do you find out people's birthdays. I hope I haven't missed any of yours.

I just finished typing for 1/2 hour in this here journal and somehow is made internet explorer close - so I will try to recapture my thoughts tomorrow. But I just wanted to thank you all for remembering. All of you at DT are my lifeline at the moments.

:hug: :hug:

Diann

Diann, I could never put something up as elaborate as Nancy, but.....

I do wish you the best!

*-:¦:-*.·:*¨`*:·.*-:¦:- * Happy Day! *-:¦:-*.·:*¨`*:·.*-:¦:- *

I am one of the people that if i successfully get this computer on and running it is a good day LOL no fancy script or pictures from me, but i do sincerely wish you a Happy Birthday!

Dear Diann,

As you can see from all the birthday greetings and good wishes you have received IS THAT EACH AND EVERY PERSON IN YOUR DIETTALK FAMILY CARES ABOUT YOU ....

I want to add my wishes too .... may this birthday be JUST THE START OF ALL YOUR REMAINING CELEBRATION OF YOUR LIFE ...

A very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY :bd with MUCH GOOD HEALTH AND HAPPINESS :cheers: . With love, as always, Monica :x :hug:

Happy Birthday !!!!!! :balloons:

Beth :not:

wondering how you are doing....

Hey Pengwyn,

So how did the family barbeque go? Did you have a good time with your kids?

I see you weren't on line much on the weekend, just like you said.

Well, a new week for us all. Lets have a good one, see ya soon.

wondering how you are....

Missing you Pengwyn, hope your holiday is going just fine and you are enjoying visiting with friends.


Miss seeing you here!!!!

Well, I'm back after a great vacation. Also, with a new resolve to get the weight off. Thanks to all of you who missed me and wished me a good vacation. We went east to Nova Scotia and to Newfoundland. The flight out was good, but the train ride back from Halifax to Toronto was an absolute NIGHTMARE. For any of you who think of going on VIA rail, forget it. Spent 28 hours on a train and talk about cabin fever! We met some nice people from Lake Placid and had fun with them. Thought we were never going to get home. The break and getting away did wonders, but I did get into some junk food. Sat in the car eating chips, etc. while on the long drive around Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. I have marked the chat tomorrow (Wed) in my calendar - so hope to see you all there.

I am so glad to be back at DT. Cheers to all

Whooohoo, Pengwyn is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you had a great time Pengwyn, that is great!!! But we are also very glad that you are back. I look forward to seeing you tonight in chat!!! We will have a great time.

Chat later!

Hi Diann,

Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good to see you with that sparkle I knew was there. Sounds like a wonderful trip. I hope you will stop in on Tuesday night chats also. However I hope to be in Nancy's chat tonight too.

Glad you are back!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie

I'm sooooo glad you had a nice vacation! Are you rested up yet??? I'm going to try to be in the Wednesday night chat, too. It will be so nice to catch up with you! I have missed you!
Have a good day and hopefully I will get to chat tonight! :D
BTW...Welcome Back!

I am still trying to figure out why I do this to my self - eating with reckless abandon. I deserve better and hopefully, I am starting to realize that.

I am really feeling the effects of carrying so much weight. I can hardly tie up my shoes for example.

I have one big problem though, - I hate to cook. I can through breakfast and lunch, but hate, no make that HATE to cook dinner. I have to stop giving myself permission to eat the crappy junk food that I virtually live on. I need to source out some good, tasty, healthy and easy to prepare. I get too compulsive worrying about everything that goes in my mouth when I am on a diet and don't give a rat's tushy about what I eat when I'm not. Huge big mystery. But I am not going to give up and keep trying and maybe someday I'll be really able to take charge of my life and actions,



“Life is not a dress rehearsal. Quit practicing what you’re going to do, and just do it. In one bold stroke you can transform today.”

Forgot to mention - that bag of cheesies I love so very much isnt going anyhere. It will be here for the next time, and the next, and forever after that. Why should I eat it now when I have a lifetime and many, many opportunities ahead of me to eat that bag of cheesies.

Hey pengwyn,

I know the struggles. I have had way to much to eat this weekend. Just felt like I was always filling my face, grrrrrr. Not sure why.

I have found that I love a fruit salad though, lots of fruit, nothing else, not sugar, not any kind of sauces, just lots of different kinds of fruit, cut to bite size. Yummm. I think that I really need to work on this more. I also know that my daughters would love it also.

I think it would be great to get a nice big bowl and just buy some fruit, cut them all up and have it in the fridge, ready for those munching attacks. Hmmm, wish the store was open right now, lol.

Well, will see you soon.

I understand the whole dinner/diet thing - but I found my rescue in a crock - pit - out the food in and forget it until time to eat :)

You can cook great healthy foods this way with almost no work.

Hope this helps.

BUT even more important - your still trying and I am soooooooo proud of you for that :hug:

Beth :not:

Diann, where are you????????????? :c(

Where has everyone gone? There never seems to be anyone in chat anymore. :tomato: Maybe just away for some summer fun. Hope people come back real soon - please!

Has anyone tried the new WW Turnaround plan? Confusing to me and the way I understand it, it doesn't look nutrionally balanced. They really are limiting the breads and carbs and I just can't eat just veggies and meat. I think I will stick with flex points.

I'm still wallowing away in my pond of self-pity, but somehow I think I am finally realizing that I really and truly DO matter - at least to myself. Bill Clinton's heart problem made me sit up and take notice somehow, as I have truly been in a state of denial for so long. I actually did some treadmill time tonight (ony 15 minutes and .5 of a mile) and ate really well all day - until the jerk pissed me off. Well, don't ya know, I had some leftover potato salad in the fridge - so off I went and started in on it. I did eat a couple of bites and managed to put it back in the fridge. :) I think I will go and throw it out when I am finished with this journal entry. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE IS TRULY NOT WORTH IT.Tomorrow I have to have a tooth out and I am a true dental phobic - so I am starting to freak out a little bit already. Wish me luck.

Cheers

Well old journal, old buddy, old pal - here I am again, long time - no see. But this time, I think I have some good news. I had some oral surgery last Wednesday and have had to be on a soft diet for a few days. So I thought this would be a good time to try the WW Turnaround plan. I do love FF cottage cheese (and it is soft) and this is on the core plan - so I had a lot of FF cottage cheese.

Tonight I got tired of the FF cottage cheese (with a little sugar free jam mixed in it) and started to pig out on ice cream. As I was wolfing it down directly from the large container, (no bowl needed), I looked at the ice cream and talked to it a bit (weird I know). The ice cream told me it was nice and soothing and cool and pleasant and my friend when I needed one. I told it that it was an imposter (like a wolf in sheep's clothing) and definitely was not my friend. I told it that I didn't need 'friends' like that and washed it down the sink with hot water. Really weird I know, but what the heck, it worked. I guess sort of like that old song from South Pacific - "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair" for those of you who can remember that far back. I watched it going down the sink and said 'bye bye'. :)

I feel very proud of myself and feel very strong. Somewhere waaay deep down,
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW I can do this. Even if it means having a 'little chat' with my food to see if it is friend or foe.

I'm 60 and like it or not, time IS running out. I want to enjoy the rest of my life as healthy and active as I can be.

Am I feeling sorry for my self? More than likely! But I sit in front of this computer not knowing what to say other than I am definitely eating myself to death. I almost feel grief in giving up food and eating. I lost 60 lbs on WW only to have something so nasty happen to me personally. I put the weight all back on and all I see is a big fat cow. I don't see any value in losing the weight again. It is not going to change anything about what happened. Also, I am trapped in this marriage. I'm an idiot for putting up with I have put up with, but nothing I can do about it. I will be 60 this summer and just plain scared to death to be on my own. Food really is my only friend who accepts me unconditionally and is just there when I need it. So super negative as this all is, I will continue to write and hopefully some glimmer of hope will emerge.

I am very lonely and bored and spend a great deal of time just watching TV. Where do I start - what do I do to try and feel some motivation and reason to try again. It really is easy to just lie here and eat and watch TV and wallow in my self pity. But that is all I have at the moment. I am going to try and write on a regular basis. Thanks for 'listening.
first of all- if you are unhappy with your marrige- leave it- i knowi t is scary to be alone- trsut me i know-but thevery first time you do something on your own- you will feel a million times better.. i was in a nasty marriage for yrs- abuse- physical and the worst- mental- you get down and cant get up it seems- i have been alone for a while- depression sits in and you wonder why- try what i am doing- write a journal everyday- take a hour a day to just think-what you want how you feel- what you want to do- not haveto but want to- then ask foradvise on how to achivei t- there are enough peole to help- strength in numbers- tryit- what can it hurt??

I hope this helps you - it was posted by Grace and I saved it.


A letter to food

Dear Food

This letter may come as a shock, but I have something I need to tell
you…something I’ve needed to do for a long time.

I am breaking up with you. I know that we have had a lot of history
together, and this is very hard on me, but I have come to understand what
an unhealthy relationship we truly have.

We have a dysfunctional relationship. I depend on you for far more
than you can give…comfort, entertainment, peace, relaxation, company, and
joy. I expect way too much from you, considering you don’t have the
power to give me any of these things. I have been asking too much, and I
am sorry. I’m also sorry for treating you like the enemy at times. I
have acted like you are the one to blame for all of my problems. I
thought that if I didn’t have to deal with you, my life would be perfect.
This is not true. I realize that my problems can’t be fixed by your
presence or absence. You are not the one to blame or to run to.

Food, the hardest part of breaking up with you is thinking back on all the fun we’ve shared…the movies, the vacations, the holidays, the birthdays, the trips to see the family and our times with mutual friends.
You stand out in all those memories, but I am seeing how I elevate you
above others during those times. I often focused more on you than a
friend or family member. This is why we must break up. We can still be
friends. In fact, we can still go to the same parties and be together
at holidays, but you just can’t be my best friend and secret love
anymore.

Food…I have met some one else. His name is Health. Health has been my friend for a long time, and he wanted to be more intimate with me, but Health said we couldn’t be, not as long as you were my main love. Health wants to be number one in my life.

The reason I have chosen Health over you is because Health can give,
and wants to give, me all the things you can’t…comfort, joy, peace, rest,
company, and love! I need these things, and I can share all of them
with Health. I need to be with Health. Health must be my first love.

Food, I want to have a healthy relationship with you. We’ve been together for so long, and I know that breaking up is hard to do, but our relationship will be so much better when we’re friends. I’ll only depend
on you for what you are able to give me…nourishment. I won’t blame you
for the things you have no control over anymore. My new love says its
okay for us to be friends as long as that is all we are.

Well, I’ll be seeing you around. I know it is so much better this way.

Me
__________________
Grace

WAY TO GO ON SENDING THE ICECREAM DOWN THE TUBE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :cheer:

You CAN do this !!!!!!!!

Beth :not:

Dear Diann,

YOU HAVE MADE SUCH A MAJOR STEP FORWARD ... and you are to be CONGRATULATED AND APPLAUDED for making such a major step without anyone directing you ...

I will definitely continue reading with interest and :cheer: celebrating your improvements as you achieve your weight loss goals. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN AND WILL ACHIEVE. I am as always, Monica

I am turning a corner in that I have made some strides in changing my diet and getting some exercise. For someone who has basically lived in the bedroom for so long, I am patting myself on my back (even if it does sound conceited). I am eating much better and actually got my butt over to our rec centre on Tuesday and used the elliptical trainer. While I was there, I wandered into the general room and started on some weights and leg presses. I have no butt and thinish legs, so I need to build them up. I have been walking more in general and feeling more positive about things. The fitness insructor came in and gave me some help. I WILL GO BACK TODAY AND DO IT AGAIN.

I have to just calm down though and not expect miracles overnight. Somehow I think that just because I made some positive changes, that I will see results tomorrow.

Well, I am going to walk to the coffee shop (really hate my own coffee) and I will take the long way around.

Thanks to you who read my journal and I appreciate the support.

Cheers

Good for you Pengwyn! Small strides and build on them, now instead of thinking of daily or weekly results, why not make that 4-6 wk results! That is possible,

Diann - I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you !!!!!!!!!!!!! :hug:

Sweetie you CAN do this ! :D

Oh I wish I could give you a live hug lol I am so thrilled at what you are doing for yourself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for the lovely post in my journal !

PS: stay out of that bedroom lol ;)

Beth :not:

Diann! Make it a looooooooong walk.. Pick me up a Tim's coffee and bring it to me! ;)

Congrats on going to the gym! Yay you!

Corinna

I'm baaaaaak! Thank you Monica, Corinna, Judith and Beth. It is SO NICE to have comrades who really believe in you and support you. Also to have some super nice people to talk to that understand what you are going through and are a soft place to land.

Ever since my little conversation with the ice cream and watched it go down the drain, I haven't felt food compulsion. It was actually freeing in a way. I had real control over the food. I cut up a whole 2 litre container of ice cream and washed it down the drain with hot water - saying bye, bye - don't need you anymore. I think and hope I have broken my dysfunctional relationship with food (thank you Beth for sending me that info - couldn't have said it better myself). I DO choose health and well being (EMOTIONAL and physical) over the addiction of food. I empasize the emotional aspect because that is what sucked me into my seemingly bottomless pit of despair. That pit of despair didn't get me anywhere and I am beginning to see the value of living again. Although I choose to spend a lot of time in MY bedroom, I choose to because it gives me some well needed space.

There is a centre for eating disorders here in Toronto and they have some 8 week groups. I just finished one called 'Feeling good about yourself'. It was really learning how to take care of myself and knowing WHEN and HOW to take care of myself. Right now I need SPACE from my husband. Physical and emotional space - so although I am in my bedroom a lot, it is my choice and a necessity right now. I am considering leaving altogether, but I will deal with that later after I have had a chance to learn more about WHAT I NEED.
I need to learn to really LOVE myself because at the end of day, I can only depend on love from myself as a sure thing. I NEED to learn value myself and not believe others who want to put me down. What I feel and need is what matters and when I can look after these needs for myself, then I can deal with the needs of others. It may sound selfish, but if I can't love or value myself, then I can't do that for others.

The other biggie is to learn to not have to look outside myself for validation. Gosh darn it, I AM A GOOD PERSON, a little misguided sometimes, but deep down inside, I KNOW I am a good person and want the best for others, but now I realize that sometimes the best for others used to be at the expense of myself. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I am learning what that really means. One can do or say something with the best intentions and it can come back to bite you, because I didn't consider some aspects.

I am eating really really well and I WANT to eat this way as opposed to forcing myself to eat in a healthy way because I know I should. I have been going to the gym and am going to aqua fit tonight. Yes, I AM going to put on a bathing suit at 263 lbs. and if others don't like looking at me - tough noogies. And I really mean that - I don't give a rat's butt if people don't like me in a bathing suit. I'm there for ME, ME, ME - not them.

Take REALLY, REALLY GOOD CARE to anyone who reads this.

Cheers as always
Well, I'm off my soap box

I just realized that my journal is called "I Wish Myself Mattered". I want to change that title.

Does anyone know how to do that?

Thx

Dear Diann,

To answer your question I BELIEVE you have to go to the FIRST ENTRY OF YOUR JOURNAL and hit EDIT and then you can change THE TITLE OF YOUR JOURNAL ..... but a surer way to know how to do it is to write to John ... he always helps us with everything that goes on here at DT......

What and why I basically wanted to respond to is your preceding post ... I read every word you wrote .... and I have to tell you my smile broadened WITH EVERY PARAGRAPH and finally I wanted to say DIANN, YOU HAVE MADE SUCH A TREMENDOUS BREAKTHRU ... I don't know if you are aware of how huge a breakthru but I am so PLEASED AND PROUD OF YOU ....

The one other thing I do want to say is by writing your statements in your Journal YOU HAVE HELPED SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS SEARCHING .... that's the one great thing about being a member of the Diettalk family .... WE LEARN AND BENEFIT FROM EACH OTHER ... although we're all different ages, and lead different lives WE CAN BENEFIT FROM EACH OTHER'S KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCES ....

I am just delighted and I am really looking forward to hearing about your SUCCESSES IN THE COMING DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS .. as long as we're here WE'RE NEVER ALONE. I am as always, Monica

Oh my freaking heck - explitive, explitive, explitive! OH MY GOSH! I said in an earlier post that I was going to aqua fit tonight.

Well, I wiggled and pulled on my bathing suit. Thank God (do you hear me God?) for lycra. ROFLMAO. Lycra is truly an amazing material - just keeps on stretching and stretching and stretching and stretching. Is there no end? LOL LOL

Wish rolling on the floor and laughing would lose my a__ ha ha. Too bad it wasn't that simple.

I am huge - but I am going anyway. If there was any doublt that I need to lose weight and get healthy, all I need to do is put on a bathing suit. Hope it hangs in until the end of the class - te he he

Cheers

Peng, I am glad to see you are doing pretty good, or at least your sense of humor is in tact. I hope all has been well while i was gone, I hope to chat with you soon.

Elsie - come back - I've missed you.

Well ladies, I DID IT. 45 minutes of gruelling aqua fit - not gruelling (just kidding), but it was good fun. Hey, did you all know that fat floats? he he.

AND THE GOOD NEWS IS - ta da !!!! The bathing stayed on and didn't split! Did anyone see the movie Shirley Valentine? When she was a young girl in school, her head mistress asked the