Hi, I just wanted to address a topic that is comsuming my mind. I am still young, but I am at a point in my life where I am very lonely, relationship wise. I truely feel, that until i lose this weight, I will never find someone to be with. I am worried that I won't be able to do it, because at the moment that is my only motivation... to look good and find a boyfriend... I know it sounds sad, but it is the truth. I need help, I need to do this for myself, not for a guy... What have any of you done to create motivation beyond the physical appearance issue? I want to do this for me, and me alone....

Holly

Hi Holly

When I first started trying to lose weight several years ago I started because I felt ugly and didn't think my hubby could love a overweight woman(he can and does), then my doctor really got onto me about how it was affecting my health - I have a heart problem, diabeties runs in the family and so does breast cancer. She explained that being overweight increases my risk of all of theses problems. Now I find the motivation in my health. I want to be around to see my kids grow up, I don't want to go through what my Mom and sister are going through with health problems. And I would like more energy. I would still like to look better but being healthy is more important.

Hope this helps.
Renee:)

first off...not all guys in the world like skin and bones...
you shouldnt have a problem finding someone that loves you just as you are now...
i learned that i had to be happy in myself be4 i lost weight..i had to think long and hard WHO i was doing this for..was i doing this for me..or trying to do it for someone else...that in mind i said ME...but i am lucky...when i met hubby i was big anyways...and he always told me...it doesnt matter if i get really huge or i get way smaller...he will always love me...that is the kind of guy you want..that wont leave you..if you gain a lot or lose a lot...YOU will find love hun...you just gotta believe ya will...and with that said...whats to say that when you lose the weight you will be truely happy? so many people have lost weight and still are meserble after and find something else on themselfs they want to change...its a never ending cycle...anyways...i wish you loads of luck!!! and a lot of people are here will give you good advice along the way... very supportive.. :D

Although its probably more politically correct to suggest you lose weight for yourself, I subscribe to the theory, "whatever works!" So if you feel more motivated to lose weight by doing it for a potential boyfriend, go ahead, cause the end results are the same, all that matters is that you get motivated!
As for finding a man at your current weight, that too can happen. I believe many overweight women without partners are alone not because they're overweight, but because their self esteem is so low it won't allow them to meet men and enjoy life at any size. There are many, many, many men in the world that have no issues with some meat on a woman's bones, heck, some even prefer bigger girls (God love em'!). It's not about your weight, its about how you carry yourself and feel about yourself.
If you carry yourself like you know you're hot, like you know any guy would be lucky to be with you, then that's what men pick up on, the confidence. And that confidence in yourself will make men gravitate your direction!

But always remember: NEVER lose weight or change your appearance for a man! Where would it stop? First you lose weight for him, then he wants you to have "perkier" boobs so you change those, then he wants a flater tummy so you change that too! No one should have to change any physical characteristic for the pleasure of another human being! You can be loved and accepted at any size, but first you have to love and accept yourself!

that is so RIGHT! bone you hit the nail on the head!

bone gave some VERY good points.. actually bone's whole post is great...so very true :D

i am 26 yrs old... i never dated much... and before my hubby i had maybe one or two relationships (adult)
i had one night stands or flings... but never really had a committed relationship.
i was sheltered... never dated in high school...
body issues

now my thought is my hubby married a bbw he likes bbw's
will he still love me if i was twiggy?
thats my insecurity now...
sometimes i feel like a big fat blob... why does he want a blob....
but i get over it for the most part
and now i am getting exercise to lose the weight i gained this past yr

I think, though attraction is what draws us to another person, affection keeps us there. I think that attraction can be an admiration of a range of attributes, from a guy thinking, "dang she's got great hooters" to a gal thinking, "dang, he's got a great smile." Ultimately, the most attractive attribute I can think of for both genders is SELF ASSURANCE. The most repelling attribute? Desperation. (IMHO. garlic breath a close second.)


Ultimately, developing a stronger sense of self will make the lonely times less lonely, and strengthen your ambition to do good things for yourself.


speaking less abstractly, I always found love when I gave up the hunt and concentrated on enjoying my own life, because it *can* be quite nice to be an autonomous person, rather than half of a couple. (And the best relationships nurture personal growth, in my experience.)

Thanks for all the input guys, its an interesting discussion... I like Bone's idea of using it as motivation, and at the moment that is what it is...but slowly, I will learn to love myself...I know it, because i believe in love above all things... It is hard in the generation and city i live in... but, I just keep reminding myself that I have talents and attributes that make me different and make me special, and it will only take a speical person to see that... Thanks, time to work out!!!

hollster-

I think you need to work on yourself so you can learn to know that you only got you.
I think you need to start recording your good qualities on paper in a journal. So you can refer to then as needed.

We must remeber. No matter what man we choose to love, even if he loves us back he can't be with us 24/7. He gotta go to the bathroom, work and to his friend's houses. Therefore, you gotta learn to validate your own God given gifts and talents.

When I first started my WL journey in 2002, it was in reaction to serious issues in my marriage. I felt that I could somehow "win back" my husband's affection if I only were to take care of myself. I subscribed to the belief that one of the reasons our marriage was in trouble was because I had let myself go.

But I was wrong. When I looked back at the last few years with full and open honesty it wasn't about how I looked or what I was doing -- it was all about him. He had some major issues and it wouldn't matter if I looked like Uma Thurman -- oh wait, even HER husband cheated on HER. See what I mean? Even gorgeous women in terrific shape have relationship problems. Just look in the magazines every day. Why would Ben Affleck need to go to a strip club when he had J Lo at home? Why would Billy Bob Thornton let a gorgeous woman like Angelina Jolie slip through his fingers?

And then, on the reverse side of the issue, look at Oprah Winfrey who has had a steady relationship throughout her weight fluctuations. And Starr Jones who just got engaged to a very attractive man despite being a woman who isn't reed thin herself.

How much you weigh is not a factor in a truly loving and committed relationship. And no matter what you do: lose weight, gain weight, work out, get plastic surgery -- there are no guarantees that your relationship will last forever. So if you need to fina a motivation to lose weight look for different reasons.

Think about how it will make you feel better. Think about wearing those clothes you always wanted to wear but couldn't fit into. Think about how great it would feel to have the energy to do the things you really like to do. But don't use getting or keeping a significant other/spouse as a motivation because you may find yourself sorely disappointed.

Speaking as a man, and a large man at that, I share all these concerns and insecurities. Men are "required" by society to be strong and not show emotion. Also, men are "required" to find thin women attractive.

I got news for you.

Most men that I know would rather be with a woman who is bright, has a good sense of humor, and is willing to say what she feels than an obtuse, twiggy, high maintenance, priss case.

If you are going to lose weight, doing it for yourself (health reasons, self image, etc.) is the most rewarding method. You did it for you. And besides, there is no chance for resentment later on or during the weight loss. We all know it is not easy to diet. Hell, it is one of the hardest things to do.

It may seem cliche, but in my opinion, if you can not find someone who loves you for who you are, then bah. You are better off alone!

Best of luck to you!

wow this is a sensitive topic......with many different ways to view it.

I think I could write a book about this. In my time of being a member here at DT I have cried, yelled, gone into depression, and got really really angry all over how I thought my weight was effecting my marriage.

I now have a "double" opinion on this topic.

1. I do feel our weight CAN effect our relationships in a negative way - not the pounds themselves per say, but the way we feel and act about the pounds. As in does your weight hold you back from being as active with your partner as you once were, do you still do things together, how do you feel about yourself, do you still have sex, etc etc. So if you change when your weight goes up, then yes it can have a negative effect on your relationship.

2. I also now think that some men ( sorry 2 big ) use our weight problems as a weapon of sorts against us, and as a excuse for them to act like jerks! BUT if they do, then they were a jerk all along! so its still NOT your fault.


Hope this is of some help :)

Beth :not:

Hey again, I am glad this discussion is going furthur... it is a topic that some people don't liek to admit to but it is inevitable. My mother and my sister are both small and beautiful.... last night i went out with my sister and all the guys payed attention to her... I spoke to my mother about how i was feeling about the fact that they were paying attention to her and telling her she was beautiful... and.... she said something that really hurt, and i know she didn't think about it before and how i might interpret it ( i tend to read into things) " You have to remember Holly that yoru sister has been working hard for a long time to get thin." So, i said nothing and left... i know what she meant, but the way i look at it... Guys can't give me attention unless I get to the point she has, so they dont pay attention to me because i am 20 lbs overweight? It is so hard, and I really need support right now... I shed a lot of tears because of this... and my mother just feels sorry for me, i know, she has told me... how can i find the support when i cannot even find it in my family?

holly

:shrug: the only person who can make you feel bad is you... believe me i know.... you have to love yourself no matter what size you are... cuz if you can't love yourself now why would you expect others to love you... others might *sense* your unsureness of yourself (if that is a word)

also when you down to your goal wieght and you gain back a pound is that the end of the world....it shouldn't be...
if your sense of self is tied to your body weight and not who you are as a person you might want to re-evaluate your goals

the loss of weight is physical.... are you ready for the emotional part?
here's an example:
my friend had wls last summer... she has lost over 170lbs... she has the loss of pounds but now she has to deal with who she is ..... what made her big in the first place.... she's had to drop friends who were not good for her....
basically she has to redefine herself as a person....
fat is a shield.... no question to that....
with massive loss ....its a shock to the mind... no one can be prepared for it....

When it comes to weight and relationships its often a "chicken or egg" argument ie which affects which? Does being overweight affect a relationship? Or do relationship issues affect your weight?

One could argue either way but in my personal experience its the relationship issues that have led to my weight problems over time. My eating habits were primarily a reaction to self-esteem and emotional problems. Feeling low? Eat an ice cream. That kind of thing. Guys not paying attention? What the heck then, I'm going to eat the entire plate of chili nachos.

For the young lady whose sister got more attention and whose mom said that hurtful thing -- shame on your mother. And I hope you show her this post because she should indeed be ashamed of herself for saying anything that forces you to compete with or compare yourself to your sister.

Men naturally turn their heads when an attractive woman walks by -- even if they are with an attractive woman! In the right circumstances, it doesn't take much to turn a man's head. But it takes alot to keep a man interested in you beyond that initial reaction. And that's what your mom should have focused on.

my friend had wls last summer... she has lost over 170lbs... she has the loss of pounds but now she has to deal with who she is ..... what made her big in the first place.... basically she has to redefine herself as a person....
fat is a shield.... no question to that....
with massive loss ....its a shock to the mind... no one can be prepared for it....

Okay, perhaps I am sharing a little too much a little too quickly but. . .

Chyara, you are absolutely correct. But I think it is worth mentioning that your weight loss can also affect people around you.

My ex-wife, who was wonderful and absolutely fabulous at 270 lbs, lost 150 lbs in preperation for our wedding. I could see her getting more shallow and more shallow with each lost pound. I had stayed at my weight ( I was always comfortable being heavy, until my health came into question). She would make little comments about me joining her in diet, joking about the tux size, etc. She finally stopped the comments, but I could tell she was changing.

The wedding came and went without incident. The honeymoon was another story. She would not walk with me on the beach, she asked me to keep my shirt on. . .stuff like that.

One day, she called me at work to tell me she was no longer attracted to me. I was hurt. I was near tears. I was furious.

"I loved you when you were a ^#%$(! heiffer!" I yelled; I was obviously upset to use such hurt tactics.

"Yeah, well, we look funny together now that I am skinny. I just don't think I wan't to be intimate with you anymore." she said.

Two months later we were divorced.

Losing weight can do many things to many people. Unfortunately, it can also turn people into monsters.

Maybe she wanted to leave all along. Who knows? But in my opinion,the weight loss was NOT a license to treat me with that amount of disrespect.

To all: please remember that when you reach your goal (and I know we all will!!). . .treat people with respect.

In the right circumstances, it doesn't take much to turn a man's head..

HEY! I resemble that! ;)


But it takes alot to keep a man interested in you beyond that initial reaction. And that's what your mom should have focused on.

Yes! As I said before, and I will say a million times, I would much rather have a partner with great conversation skills and a sense of humor than a flat tummy. It's just a matter of "putting it out there" and getting someone interested in seeing/hearing more.

hollster- Are you and emotional eater? If so you will have to learn to deal with emotions.

From the way this issue affects you. I think you need a therapist more then a boyfriend right now.

Your mom just like a future boyfriend might say something that you take the wrong way. So you got to learn to control your reactions to others comments.

You have to learn not to let the words and opinions of other make or break your whole day.

Also you hace to keep things in perspective. Thinness attracts some guys but other things that attract them are smiles. Were you smiling or were you frowning the whole time becasue you think it is unfair that your mother and sister are " thin and beautiful".

Did you have an inviting posture or did you have your arms crossed the whole time?

Also were you hanging out at a bar? Drunk people use less brain power.

Hi again, 2 big, thanks for sharing your story.... It must have been very difficult, but good for you to see the real person she was...

I spoke with my mother, and I now know she never meant it that way... she is just trying to give me answers to very heard questions... I hope people reading this don't percieve her as mean, she just hates to see me so depressed... she is an inspiration, works out everyday and eats well...

I don't think I need to see a therapist at the moment though lisad00. i need to see a dietician. AND, I have a very inviting posture, I am an opera singer and I am taught to stand properly, i also always have a smile on my face.. it is what i am known for.... so, I dont really want to "figure out" why I was less attractive to these guys... my mother says it is because they are intimidated by me, it could be, but I try not to think so..... maybe she is supporting me more than i thought.... before came home from school this summer, I wasn't working out this much or eating this healthy...so i praise her for that.

Ok The box of worms about weight vs relationships has been opened! :tomato:

I hope since it has been opened now that more people post their experiences and opinions......

holly - I feel very bad for you that your mother said what she said. I do suspect this is not the first time a remark such as this has been made to you by her. Don't open yourself up to people to hurt you - I know family should not be like this, but sadly family is often our worst supporters. My MIL who is a wonderful person, except when it comes to my weight - she is down right mean and cruel about my weight! So I no longer leave that door open for her.

John - you are a remarkable man! I can not express the anger I felt to wards your X as I read your post - I was thinking " how dare she?"
Sad but true as I said in my above post if they are a jerk it will come out in time, and I guess your X was hiding hers behind her weight.
I am so proud of you that you did not take the abuse and that you are getting healthy for yourself!

As John said Losing weight can do many things to many people. Unfortunately, it can also turn people into monsters.

It can work the other way as well - if you gain weight and your partner turns into a jerk/monster - in my opinion they were really like that along.....

Beth :not:

my ma dosen't hurt me... i hope there is so misconception of that... i htink she jsut said the wrong thing at the wrong time... she just wants her little girl to be happy. :)

wow, I think this is the new DT hotbed!! (finally, ACTION!!)

Personally, I believe exactly what the brilliant dude's said in his posts; as well I think that if you're in an atmosphere (which can be the mall, the coffee shop, the library, or a meat market bar) where there are attractive (In our society this means thin, let's face it) women--yep, boys'll look at the eye candy before they'll notice a woman of substance (read brains and personality) EVERY TIME. Boys are hard-wired to think through their boy parts, and their boy parts believe that what the media says is attractive is attractive. HOWEVER, That isn't to say a woman of substance can't hook up with a man of substance. Which isn't to say a Shrek has to meet a Fiona-ogre to fall in love, I know plenty of less-physically attractive people with gorgeous mates, and to use that really threadbare cliche', (some) beauty really is skin deep.

Deeper than the skin is that quality that causes an inner fire, an inner glow. Drive, ambition, kindness, humor,an outgoing nature ....to name a few. And a compassion that means you can look a person in the eye and say, Hi, How ARE you? And give a damn about the answer.



ALL THAT SAID; Losing weight to a healthy number--not anorexic or underfed--is its own reward. It's a bigger issue than just a couple of instances where a freind's spouse left them because they've gained or lost weight, if a spouse leaves, or rejects another, it's because the relationship wasn't strong enough to last. A healthy, loving, supportive relationship is one in which growth is accepted; where the "growing" individual doesn't outgrow their mate, rather, the "growing" person shares in their joys and trials. Though it may be hard for a person to stand by and watch their loved one sprout wings, they still clap when that person soars; and the soaring person always comes back to roost.

AAAAk., sermon over, I'm waxing silly now.


So many thoughts, so poorly articulated (by me.)...

ALL THAT SAID; Losing weight to a healthy number--not anorexic or underfed--is its own reward. It's a bigger issue than just a couple of instances where a freind's spouse left them because they've gained or lost weight, if a spouse leaves, or rejects another, it's because the relationship wasn't strong enough to last.

AMEN SISTAH! I agree with you whole heartedly! I was just making the point that the relationship was weak, but dynamic, when both of us were heavy. When the scales shifted. . .well you heard.

So many thoughts, so poorly articulated (by me.)...

no no no no no no no. . .you made your point eloquently! :D

Hollster, I agree with many people here, that most men will automatically "look". Also, is it possible that, because you were out with your sister and mom, you might have been focusing on how beautiful you think they look and that prevented you from being at ease with expressing your own attractiveness?

Whoa, what a discussion going on here!

I don't know what to chime in here, but I've got a situation now where I've lost bodyfat and have muscular definition, and have a more fit lifestyle while the BF is getting fatter and fatter.

When I saw him back in February, it was really noticeable but who steps off a plane and says, "yikes, you've gotten fat!"? But then he brought it up later ("all my pants are too tight!") and wondered why I didn't say anything :p Please, he would have been so hurt.

At the same time, he just won't believe me when I tell him that his diet is forked up, endless cardio won't be help all that much, and that weight training WILL help, even if it's just for maintenance. So I leave it be and just let him get bigger in the gut and skinnier in the limbs! What else can I do? And yeah, if I'm honest, it's not attractive. He's a great guy, though, so I do the best I can. It's got to be something he wants to do, and I'm just waiting for him to tell me that he's ready for some PT. :D

Whoa, what a discussion going on here!

I don't know what to chime in here, but I've got a situation now where I've lost bodyfat and have muscular definition, and have a more fit lifestyle while the BF is getting fatter and fatter.

When I saw him back in February, it was really noticeable but who steps off a plane and says, "yikes, you've gotten fat!"? But then he brought it up later ("all my pants are too tight!") and wondered why I didn't say anything :p Please, he would have been so hurt.

At the same time, he just won't believe me when I tell him that his diet is forked up, endless cardio won't be help all that much, and that weight training WILL help, even if it's just for maintenance. So I leave it be and just let him get bigger in the gut and skinnier in the limbs! What else can I do? And yeah, if I'm honest, it's not attractive. He's a great guy, though, so I do the best I can. It's got to be something he wants to do, and I'm just waiting for him to tell me that he's ready for some PT. :D

Have you tired discussing how great you feel now that you are working out/dieting? Have you told him you were concerned about his health? I know it is never easy, but there has to be a way to get him thinking.

Yah, he knows all about it. I do talk about my part-time job to him, let him know how great these folks are doing and that the long-timers have improved their health, cholesterol, etc. :shrug:

Any more shop talk and I'll feel like I'm giving him a complex.

ETA: This has been sort of an ongoing thing since we met :) It's just gotten worse now that I'm not around him to reign him in.