I have a question I want to ask all of you.
I have been married for 16 years. I have been overweight most of my marriage, but after the birth of my youngest son, 5 years ago, and the subsequent weight gain, my sex drive has gone down the drain.
I almost never want it. There is nothing erotic about looking down at me and seeing my flab shake all over the place! For the life of me I can't see why he doesn't see me as repulsive, but then maybe he does.......
Anyway, we had a great sex life for the first 10 years of our marriage. It went from at least 5 times a week, dwindling down to 2 times a week. For some that may be enough, but it isn't for someone who has a very high sex drive, and it does pose a problem occasionally. He doesn't understand why I could actually live without it! LOL
What I wanted to know...and I know it's a very personal question, but is there anyone out there suffering from the same problem? And if those who reached their goal weights have a more healthy opinion pertaining to thier self image and sex.
There was a time when I had little inhibitions...........I want to be that way again.

Thank you!
Melanie

Melanie,

I am getting married in a few months, and only have about 10 pounds I want to shed. However, I see myself as repulsive, have a terrible body image, and very low self-esteem.

Although the extra weight may be a part of your issue, I am guessing other factors come into play as well. I think you need to work on body image and self-esteem as separate from your weight, focusing on you as a person.

If losing weight helps you feel better about yourself, your self-esteem should improve as well, but you must believe that you are more than your weight.

I've seriously considered breast surgery (to add!) but the reality is if I did that, I would find something else to dislike about myself. So I am trying to focus on what is good about me.

As for your husband, he married you (hopefully!) for who you are. His desire to be intimate with you is more than a physical act, but closeness to you.

Hopefully, this has been of some help? As for weight loss, just take one day at a time and focus on all the many benefits, especially health, energy, and feeling good about yourself. Good luck!

Nik

Thank you for taking the time to resond Nik! You made some good points. I guess only time will tell if my self image improves with my weight loss.
I know that I am more than just my weight, but at the same time I see myself constantly distracted by it and can't help but think everyone else is as well.
The strange things is that I don't "feel" as fat as I really am! When I see pictures of myself I cringe, or see a reflection of myself sitting, I gasp. I look like a huge blob! I don't even know who that person is anymore looking back at me. And the sadest thing of all is that I did it to myself.
Sorry for whinning...LOL

Thanks again,
Melanie

I should perhaps follow this advice a bit more my advice...but people say and it makes sense that if you feel beautiful you will appear more beautiful...and on top of that, be more eager for sex. I'm young so I don't know about sex between husband and wife or how it changes after children, but from books, magazines, and television, I know that it is normal to lose a bit of intimacy. There are ways to increase your sex drive though and to feel better about yourself...I would recommend the video The Art of Erotic Dancing for Everyday Women as a self esteem booster...the women say a lot of things about feeling and being beautiful...and it isn't too racy so don't let that scare you. Maybe just try on some lingire or something and find something that you think you look good in...remember, you (and many of us) are our toughest critic...your husband loves you for a reason...I bet you are beautiful both inside and out. Best of luck, Alecia

Hi Melanie. I've been married for 12 years and I'm with you on this one. The bigger I got, the less interested I became in sex. But, now that I've dropped 58 lbs. and my hubby is now off of active duty, the poor fella has asked me for a night off on occasion. lol. I agree that it probably has a lot to do with self-esteem, but I also think that energy levels and the hormonal changes that your body goes through as you gain and lose weight also have an effect on this. Either way, I'm happy that I'm losing weight for my health and my hubby is seeing some of the benefits too!!

Hi Melanie,

I've been with my fiancee for 10 years, and I hear where you're coming from....my problem is basically that I'm not comfortable without clothes on, even if there's no one else around......I don't like looking at me naked--why would anyone else? But, even when I weighed a lot less than I do now I wasn't comfortable....I'm hoping that as I lose the weight I gain more confidence in how I look. Something I'm working on as I go...... :o

Funny but I have to opposite problem. I am the one with the high sex drive and HE is the one who doesn't want it. He is also over weight, but he is VERY over weight and I know it's hard for him. I don't know what to tell you but sometimes it takes an extra effort from the one who wants it. For example ask him to tell you how much sexy you are, etc make him build you up and then you might feel different. As far as me not sure what to do but take care of it myself. :o

:o I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. Before I gained weight I always felt sexy and now, forget it. I agree with Alecia about the tapes--I bought the Art of Erotic Dancing for Everyday Women and just recently saw a new series of tapes by Carmen Electra with 5 different tapes, all related to erotic dancing. After I bought my tape I began to wonder if I would actually perform any of this and my thought was- even if I don't, it's still making me feel sexier and increasing my self-confidence.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, yet it feels like 50 in the bedroom, and that's something I've noticed thats changed since we've both gained weight. I know that some people say you have to be confident no matter what your weight, but it's hard! So my outlook is that this is something I'm changing while I lose weight. Just added it my list of things!
I hope this helps you some! Good luck! We'll all be right along there with you! Well, not really! 8-|

Hi Melanie,

I saw this post yesterday and avoided it. It looks like you got a lot of great replies. Until my twins were about 6 months, I went from being a "high libido female" to having no drive. Personally, I feel like a disgusting slob. I jiggle in all the wrong places, and it's hard to feel sexy like that. When I began gaining weight, I told myself that I wouldn't change the way I lived (and I haven't, even if it embarrassed me). That helped my confidence. But I think the thing that helps me most, is that even when I feel the least attractive, my husband finds me desirable and calls me sexy (can you believe that?!). One thing I have noticed in a 24 year marriage is that the longer the stretch between sex, the easier it is to not do it. They say once you know how to swim, you never forget how...but when it has been a long time away from the water, I am more hesitant to jump in.

Good Luck. Hugs, Ruby ~o)

One thing I have noticed in a 24 year marriage is that the longer the stretch between sex, the easier it is to not do it. They say once you know how to swim, you never forget how...but when it has been a long time away from the water, I am more hesitant to jump in.

Good Luck. Hugs, Ruby ~o)



Just like excercise, no?

I offen wondered how my now ex could ever find my naked body a turn on. Because of that, I never really allowed myself to really enjoy sex and he knew it. Thats part of the reason we are no longer together.
I have a question I want to ask all of you.
I have been married for 16 years. I have been overweight most of my marriage, but after the birth of my youngest son, 5 years ago, and the subsequent weight gain, my sex drive has gone down the drain.
I almost never want it. There is nothing erotic about looking down at me and seeing my flab shake all over the place! For the life of me I can't see why he doesn't see me as repulsive, but then maybe he does.......
Anyway, we had a great sex life for the first 10 years of our marriage. It went from at least 5 times a week, dwindling down to 2 times a week. For some that may be enough, but it isn't for someone who has a very high sex drive, and it does pose a problem occasionally. He doesn't understand why I could actually live without it! LOL
What I wanted to know...and I know it's a very personal question, but is there anyone out there suffering from the same problem? And if those who reached their goal weights have a more healthy opinion pertaining to thier self image and sex.
There was a time when I had little inhibitions...........I want to be that way again.

Thank you!
Melanie

Here is my $1.50.

People who want sex want sex and they don't care wear they get it. So, do whatever you have to do to get it done.

Wear a long night gown and don't take it off.
Put alumnimum foil on the windows to prevent all light
Blind fold your partner so he can't peak.

Yet, please remember this. Your partner lives with you and sleeps next to you. He has a great idea of what you look like even if you don't have sex with him. So you might as well have your own good time and get your sex on.

I've found that since I've began trying to lose weight (since Junish) my sex drive has taken a nose dive. I think my confidence level is stirred. I don't FEEL attractive.

When I weighed 230lbs, I didn't really feel that unsexy UNTIL a boyfriend came along that started to call me fat. His repulsion at how I looked sort of made me depressed, but didn't really kill my sex drive. It also in part inspired me to begin my weight loss. No, I didn't start loosing weight for him... we broke up before that and my decision to change my body had more to do with spiting him. I was angry and wanted to prove him a fool. Then it occured to me, my anger could actually do something healthy for myself... even better. And my sex drive never really vanished. I was so mad at him that I sought out another lover pretty quickly in order to make myself feel sexy again.

Ironically enough... one of the guys I dated later actually liked plump ladies and didn't want me to get any thinner. He actually complained that I was getting too skinny! He teased me about wanting me to get a bigger butt for him to pleasure. He told me to eat more cookies! He was also always horny... too horny for me... so NEXT!

Of course... then the present guy, well he's perfect so far. He says he loves me how I am now, and wouldn't care if I was thinner or fatter... although he does admit he likes my present form, and has developed a lingerie fetish due to my parading around in (it fits now!) La Perla. The sex is ***stellar*** and I have a feeling that it just keeps getting better... and not because I'm skinnier... but because I feel loved for who I am-- mind and body.

This leads me to a little piece of wisdom... that partners who complain about their partners being 'un-sexy' might be a number of things besides honest-- they might be shallow, vain, controlling, demanding, inconsiderate, or on the plus side-- just worried about your health. If it isn't the latter... maybe they should be dumped. Who wants to spend time with the vain and controlling types?

Of course... if we all actually did that... COSMO might start needing to write new kinds of articles, eh?

Hello,

I very much relate to what you are saying...... If I dont feel good about myself - then there is no way I can relax enough to enjoy or even participate in sex. If I hate me, then I dont feel that anyone else can love me. I know that when I feel good about myself, I relax in all areas. Part of feeling good - is not actually Losing the weight - but being in control of what I am eating - so I may be still overweight - but if I am in control, then I feel much better about myself.....There are lots of things you can do to make yourself feel more, relaxed, confortable and sexy...buy yourself some nightwear that you feel good in, talk openly about your feelings with your husband, plan a romantic evening - dinner by candlelight, nice wine, hold hands and see what happens.....
Enjoy!

Ariane

I know I totally bummed out my husband because I had no sex drive either, then when I started to lose weight my husband started gaining weight it went the other way around. Now he doesn't have much of a sex drive and I'm all over him! I've lost 70, he's gained 60, and now he's always complaining he had a big stomach and man boobs, and I'm checking myself out all the time! 8-| But now, I'm reassuring him that I love him no matter what and now that I've lost all this weight sex just feels better for me now, although now I see how his weight gain is affected because he's huffing and puffing like crazy and afterward he's tired and rolls right over and goes to bed while I'm all ready to go again! Someday we'll get it right!

i have that problem too.. my sex drive hasent necessarily gone down.. i just cant have sex with the lights on, and if they are my body has to be covered. Bleh.. i agree it sucks.

You know these insecurities dont go away with losing weight. Now I have this thin body, but I have the boobs of someone who has lost 40 pounds, and leaning over is not a pretty view. So what do you do. I agree if you are uncomfortable wit your body you have 1 choices do someting about it, or find a way around it. I wish there was something I could do about my boobs, but since shelling out the money to get them fixxed is not an option, that might mean I have to wear a bra, or get over it. I mean we have all probably been through some disgustingly personal things with our significant others over time, and tey love us, and still want us anyway. If they were so disgusted by us, then they probably wouldnt sleep next to us anymore.

Hi Melanie!
I can completely relate to your post. I've been married for almost 15 years now and I've experienced the same struggles as you. I also gained a lot of weight after my second child (she is now 11) and I found that my self-esteem plummeted. About a year ago, I had almost reached my weight loss goal - I was only about 5 pounds away. I found that my self esteem was through the roof and my sex drive went right up with it. But, in the past 4 months or so, stress and other issues have caused me to start emotional eating. I have put 20 pounds back on...and wouldn't you know...my self-esteem has plummeted again taking my sex drive with it. My husband complains often about him getting shut out because of my own issues with my appearance. He tells me I'm sexy and that he likes me just the way I am....but it's so hard to accept what he is saying as truth when I look down at my body and find myself repulsed by it.

I definitely think sex drive is closely related to our self-image. But the good news is that it can change...it just takes some work getting there.

My biggest struggle now is getting back into the swing of things. Turning away from the food as a comfort and looking for exercise and healthier choices to take its place. I've tasted the sweetness of accomplishment, but I let it slip through my fingers. I want to experience it again....that's why I'm here reading all the posts from the amazing people that have gathered here. I think there are many folks in these forums with very inspirational stories that I'm looking forward to getting to know.

Yes, sex drive is realted to self-image. I've been pretty fat and had at times a very bad, and at other times a very healthy sex drive. In those times I had a good sex drive it was because I simply and consciously decided not let my fat and imperfections stop me from enjoying life. (And it worked for the most part... I even had sex with a god-like looking 23 year old fashion model at one point because I felt good enough...)

However, I think perhaps its tougher to go from being skinnier to being fatter and to keep feeling good about sex with a partner who has seen you change-- because you become conscious of your past body versus your present body. But it shouldn't matter that much because the reality is over time-- no matter how fit we try to stay, our bodies are going to change-- whether we like it or not. (And this certainly is not a female-only problem).

So try to feel sexy, and enjoy yourself anyway because life is short. Be appreciative your husband who clearly is saying exactly the right things to both be supportive of your esteem, and your diet. He sees you as more than a 'body.' See yourself as more than a 'body' too and maybe you'll start feeling sexier.

Plus, frisky sex burns 200 calories an hour... you could even treat yourself to a cookie afterwards. :o

Same problem here, Melanie. It's causing a lot of friction between me and my husband but i've been trying to make him understand that if I don't feel sexy then I really can't enjoy sex, and i feel pretty repulsive at the moment, so our sex life has really dwindled. hell i've even gone so far as telling him that i understand that his libido remains unchanged and that it isn't fair to him to have to abstain for months and months, so I guess i wouldn't have an issue with him seeking 'comfort' elsewhere.

or maybe that is just a symptom of a relationship that doesn't work like it did anymore. I don't know. :(

Telling him to seek comfort elsewhere is pretty liberal, in a kind of european way that I have to admit I don't get. I think its destructive.

:sigh:

It sounds to me like you're depressed, and feeling fat and repulsive is a part of that. See yourself as more than your body, the best sex is all about the mind anyway.

I thought that I might add the man's point of view, well at least this man's point of view. The way that you look majorly depends on the amount of love the person looking at you has for you. If you don't love yourself then of course when you look at yourself you wont like what you see and think that no one else could either. Me and my ex had a great sex life right up until the point that she thought she was gaining weight. In high school she was a cheerleader and ran track so I am sure her image of what she supposed to weigh was pretty strict. She started saying things like "I'm fat" "How can you want to be with me" but in my eyes nothing had changed, she was still the sweet and beautiful girl that I fell in love with. It did of course add to my already low self image since I am over 100lbs over weight but I tried not to focus on that and instead put all my energy into making her feel better. The sex life quickly dropped, not due to my lack of desire but due to the fact that I felt like I was not able to do my job. She could not enjoy myself, and if I could not make her happy then I wasn't doing my job as a man. At the very nasty end of the relationship which had nothing to do with her weight or sex unless you count the 2 other guys she was sleeping with, the love was slowly dieing from my eyes and being replaced with pain and sorrow. At that point I couldn't even look at her, I was no longer seeing through loving eyes. My friends would say things like "How can you break up with her, she is beautiful" but I could no longer see it.

Melanie,

You have been married for 16 years and after the birth of your youngest son you lost intrest in your sex life is that correct. Well I'd say that is pretty normal because you do loose intrest because you did just give birth to a baby and now your husband wants to make love to you and I wouldn't feel any spark there either. But i"m a virgin so I don't really have a lot of insight on that but when I do get married and have sex for the first time I don't want my man to say that i"m too big and he doesn't think i"m sexy but I want a man that can accept my weight gain and not try to change me and say that i"m big and need to loose weight because if you know that or not that does hurt your feelings and it discourages your self esteem. But Melanie don't force yourself to have sex if you no longer have a sex drive and no craving for sex thats okay it will come back one way or another just keep your head up and Keep Jesus in your life