Recently I've been fighting with my boyfriend about my weight, he's angry with me because I've gained some weight back and no amount of explaining to him will make him see that his criticism is just making this worse. I wonder how all of you handle these issues or if they even come up?

Thanks,

Suzi

I am lucky in some ways in regards to this. Nick never said anything about my weight loss --though the sex life changed-- and would have never said I was fat, so in some cases I was lucky. On the other side, now I have lost the weight, he still never makes any mention of my body or weight loss which can be discouraging.
Unfortuantely I dont think telling people like your boyfriend, that it doesnt help to make fun of us or to harass. The only thing that shuts them up, is losing weight. My dad and brother used to always make fun of me for my weight, even though they are big, now I lost the weight, they dont do it anymore --also since I told my brother since he married a woman bigger then me, he really lost the right--, and sometimes I even seem a gleam of jealousy.
Dont lose it because they want you too, lose it for yourself. I have had to point out to my boyfriend that he hasnt been supportive of my weight loss, and told him ways he can be supportive, and since then he is a hundred times better.

Personally, I'd dump your boyfriend, he sounds like a jerk. A guy should be with you for who you are not what you look like. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but i wouldn't put up with that - it would be detrimental to my self-esteem. It has taken me years to realize that my self-worth is not based on my appearance and i'd want a guy who felt the same way. Just my 2 cents.

Have to agree with CM......my fiancee watched me go from 140 to 220 in the 10 years we've been together and he's NEVER said a negative word about it to me. I've tried to lose weight before and failed......and this time he said "if you want to do it, do it for you, not me, because I love you no matter what you weigh". And that's (I think) the way it should be....... :o

I'm lucky because my partner has always known me as overweight, and seems to like me that way. He actually thinks that I am small and delicate - I'm 6 stone (84lbs) overweight!!! He has a curiously warped perception. In a way, I wish he had a go at me for being fat, as the fact that he is quite happy gives me no incentive to lose it. A little bit of me also worries that if I got back to my ideal weight of 140lbs, he would go off me!

My dad is obese and my mom has always been a petite. When she tried to quit smoking and got hooked on sugar instead he told her to lose weight she was getting fat (10 pounds, tops). Needless to say she went back to smoking and lost the weight again. *sigh*
Also-When I first starting gaining weight and my sister did too my parents would constantly harp on us for it. "We only want you to be happy, and we don't think you will be happy if you're fat." Neither one of us were concerned about our bodies or became insecure about them until they started on us. It never made me feel good about myself, or my sister either. But you know what? They're right. Being fat doesn't make anyone happy, and they weren't saying that to be jerks. Today I'm thankful that they would watch my weight and make comments (keeping in mind, they never said anything like you're a pig, they just said things like those jeans aren't looking as good on you anymore etc). Their comments made me realize that it IS important to look and feel healthy. I'm thankful they did back then or else I may have eaten myself up to look like my dad. :( So I guess what I'm trying to say is it all depends on how you look at things. Try talking to your bf and telling him that you need encouraging words, like "will that chocolate bar be helping you in getting off that 2 pounds this week?" etc.

I've tried to lose weight before and failed......and this time he said "if you want to do it, do it for you, not me, because I love you no matter what you weigh". And that's (I think) the way it should be....... :o


SO true.. hubby got with me when i was on the bigger side..he tells me the same thing...he says he married me for "whats inside" and points to my brain hehe.. he said he wouldnt care if i was 3 times the size or 3 times the size smaller...he loves me for me and thats all he cares about...

I absolutely adore my hubby, but he is a critical person by nature (he gets it from his mother!). Now, he NEVER called me fat or gave me grief about my weight, but, he once made a negative comment about how I could lose the weight if I really wanted to and just did something about it. I don't remember the exact comment, but he said it and I snapped. I told him (and not so nicely) that his negative comments didn't help me at all and I didn't appreciate hearing them. He says that I reminded him that if he couldn't say something nice, then (as he says that I put it) shut the *@!# up. Again, I don't remember the details, but my hubby definitely does.

The gist of this is to simply tell your boyfriend that his negativity isn't helping you (and could be making things worse). If he wants to be supportive, then he should do it in a positive way or not say anything at all. I know it sounds silly that we should actually have to tell the people we love this, but remember, they can't read our mindreaders (so let them read your lips)!

Hey all;

Thanks for your great comments. Spooky, Biggun -- you really helped to put it into perspective. Sometimes he does get overly negative and I've told him off a time or two because of it. But, most of the time he really is trying to be supportive I think and to remind me that chocolate WON'T make me feel better. So thanks again all. This has been a big help. It's not that I think he's entirely right in his approach, but he's not entirely wrong either!

Suz

He would never comment on m y weight.. He would to others about how fabulous I've done with the weight loss and that's about it.. Yes he would do that with me standing right there.. But never made a comment about me when I was overweight because he had a weight issue problem of his own.

When I reached my all time high of 258.5 pounds in February of 2003, it was my own feelings about the weight that prompted me to make a change. However, when my hubby and I first started dating more than 10 years before, I weighed 150 pounds. After 2 children and several years, I had gained over 100 pounds and hubby had gained about 20-25. Although we still had a very active sex life, there were times when hubby would comment that maybe I should think about losing some weight. These comments always hurt my feelings, but I understand how it can be hard to look at your spouse gain so much weight and continue to overeat and never exercise. I think in his mind he saw me reaching 300 pounds, then on and on. And I can completely understand how he would've lost interest in me if I had continued to gain weight. Not only because of how I looked physically, but because as an extremely obese person, I wasn't the same person emotionally and personality-wise as I was when we first met. I had no energy, I felt depressed, I was self-conscious and withdrawn, and I never wanted to do anything but sit in the house and eat. When I finally got sick of looking and feeling this way, I did something about it. I lost more than 90 pounds over the following 8 months. My husband was so proud. He encouraged me 100% and even began to do something about his own weight. Our relationship improved because my whole attitude and outlook on life improved. When I got pregnant last October, I quickly began to put on weight. However, hubby never said a word, not even when I had gained more than 70 pounds! When I would complain about how I had let myself go during the pregnancy, he would just say, "You lost it before, you know you can do it again if you want". After the baby was born, I had a hard time trying to get motivated to lose, and actually gained 12 pounds. Hubby never said a word. I think he finally realized that it's not easy to lose weight and that his negative remarks in no way motivated me to do anything about my weight. When I was finally ready to take charge of my body, he totally supported me. He eats the healthy meals I make, comes home early on Friday's so that I can attend my tops meetings, and encourages me every step of the way. Although he is still about 23 pounds overweight himself, he tries his best to eat healthy with me and to exercise, although we rarely exercise together. We never push each other, only encourage one another, and our relationship is better than ever!

My boyfriend (now husband) was with me at my largest, and is now with me at my smallest. I've gained some weight back and he has never said one negative word about it. Instead, we sat down and organized a better menu and we're going to start exercising together.

The one person in my life I can think of that has been the most critical of my weight has been my mother. She can sometimes have absolutely no manners and says things like, "Oh.. did you gain a couple pounds?" (As she's hugging me!!!) ARGH! You can dump a boyfriend, but your mother will always be there... I've learned to just ignore her!

okay.. sorry for my rant.. hope things get better for you

I met my husband at 180 pounds and I guess I held it well because he really didnt even know I had chunk on me until (well you know :o ) So we got married and I had a son and eventually gained enough weight to reach 265 pounds.

During this whole time he has never made a rude remark about me. I dont think it bothered him. He acts like I am sexy no matter what. I think what really bothers him is fear that health problems will effect me and the fact that I was having a harder time doing active things, yet he still never said anything rude to me.

Ironically now I am really showing an effort on losing and toning and I told him my goal was to get to a c bra size and now he is stressing. Maybe some men just kinda like a bit of extra weight on their women! Who knows, I just know if he was making judgements and comments on my figure it would only make me want to eat more just for revenge :D

We have been married 8 years, been together for 10...so it is safe to say that he loves me for who I am at this point and that is a motivation for me to lose more than if he set a standard on me.

Good luck, Cathy

I have never had a boyfriend who thought I was any less of a person because of my weight. My last boyfriend (we lasted for almost 2 years before breaking up because of school) didn't even care after I'd reached my highest weight.

I feel that I'm going to have a severe problem trusting men after I get to my goal weight. I'm always going to mentally evaluate them... "Would this man have dated me a couple of years ago?

The weight I get off will be more than worth having a few emotional kinks to work out, of course.

I too, went from 135 to close to 200 lbs. I didn't get any negative comments from DH (thankfully). He has always been tall and thin....sigh:o When I lost the weight he treats me the same as he did before. I take this to mean he loves me no matter how I look.

I hope that your boyfriend can mature and learn to love you has you are. Just remind him that you love him but you can do without all his negative comments. Fat folks already know they are fat, they don't need the reminders!

Me2-You say your husband is stressing. Perhaps it's because he's insecure about your relationship? Maybe he loves you so much that he's afraid that when you lose weight you'll "discover" that you're better than him and leave him. Foolish thinking of course, but so many of us are insecure. :shrug:

I am not entirely sure how people think they have a right to point out someones weaknesses. I figure if they feel they can point out mine - too fat, then I automatically have the right to point out theirs - temper, rude, lazy, whatever and they can't say a word about it.

Nancy, I love your theory, maybe I will use it one day :D

Spookie, you could be right about my husband. He really hasnt shown any jealousy before but he did make a comment a while back that all the divorced guys at work said "you better watch out when your wife starts exercising and losing weight...it usually only means one thing". Which of course I would never do. I am way beyond trying to look better for anyone but myself. I really think he has gotten comfortable with me and kinda likes me the way I am. I think some men like chunky women. But wait until he realizes the fun of a thin one too!

:ha:

I definitely think that you either need to dump your boyfriend or explain the situation to him and how you feel, etc. Let him know that you need his support. It also depends on how long you have been together. If you haven't been together for very long talking to him about it probably won't do too much.
I'm really lucky because I am the one who says I need to lose weight (I'm 165lbs) and he always tells me I'm crazy. He supports my trying to lose weight but at the same time he still thinks I'm beautiful and oddly enough (since I'm his first overweight girlfriend) still has a great sexual appetite. I know that some people don't see 25lbs overweight as that big of a deal, but I don't feel confident in myself and he makes me feel perfect (even though we weigh the same amount!). If I were you I would try to find someone who made you feel good for being you and thinks you are beautiful no matter what.

hmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. So many mixed emotions on this one.

I have been married twice. My first husband was ALWAYS and forever on my about my weight. I'll never forget four weeks after giving birth to my daughter, I felt really good about myself, I bought a really classy pretty Nightie, and all he could say to me, Was " Oh my gawd you look like a beached whale." Mind you I was mmmm gosh the weight I am now.. ah ha!

Looking back what a WUSS.. I WAS! I never in my life can imgaine putting up with that crap now.. NOPE! :shifty: Bastard just made me stronger.

My Dh has never really said anything to me about my weight. He watched me go from 135 a size 5 to 210 and size 18. There were a couple times he said something like... Gosh Hon.. your eatin as much as me... or comments similar. Now that I'm losing weight he really hasnt said much except, Your doing really good... Or gosh I can really tell. The other day, I said " Hey Babe, I have lost 6 inches and my butt. And he said Hmmm looks like you've lost 12. :O WHAT THE???????????

Since I don't know your man or your relationship its hard to say , other then does he harp on you all the time... Do YOU complain about being overweight all the time then go eat chocolate... You know best.. If he is constantly on you I'd tell him shut the ruck up.... If he just has a neanderthal way of supportin ya well now thats differant! :D

I think it is really important at the same time (when it comes to any struggle) to keep in mind that there is no one out there who knows exactly what it is like to be you...sure, I think everyone here understands one another which is why I love it here so much...but even we all have our differences...my point is that keep in mind that maybe they simply don't/can't understand, doesn't necessarily mean they want to hurt you or don't love you...just help them out if you can...tell them if a comment hurts you or that you need a different form of support(not criticism or insults)...and listen to them too...if they are trying to understand you and help you, who knows maybe there are some things they could use your assistance and support for also.

My Sweetie knew me in high school when I weighed 112, which I know I'll never be again. 15 years later I was up to 220, and he was up about 100 pounds himself. I guess we were just happy and complacent.

He never told me I should lose weight, although he would sometimes make comments about my portion sizes or food choices. When I would decide I needed to diet, he would remind me of past failures. When I finally met with success, I think he became a little jealous, though he likes the results.

Now the tricky part is, I would LOVE for him to lose some weight too. I don't mind his appearance, but I worry about his health. He's 6'3" and I'm 5 feet tall -- if anything happened, I'd never be able to lift him. He has a bad back and is (at 37) starting to complain about pain in his hips and knees. I know from my experience that weight loss and exercise would make him feel a whole lot better.

Because I've been there, I know how hard it is to start. I am not pushing him; I believe only he will know when he's ready. But it's hard to be patient when I see all the fast food he eats and hear all his complaints about his aches and pains! I've told him that when/if he decides he wants to lose weight, I have learned a lot that I can share with him. That I'd make it easier so he didn't have to re-learn all the things I've learned. I've also told him I'd love to have him as an exercise buddy.

Is there something more I ought to do? I think it's just as hard from this end as from the other! :shrug: It's so complicated to know what kind of encouragement will actually help another person... especially if they don't come right out and tell you.

Lisrey :)

Lisrey, you sound like a wonderful wife...he is lucky to have you...I think your leading by example is one of the best things you can do...since you've been there, I think your ability to relate to him will help so much...and perhaps the suggestion by a doctor that he start excercising etc. might help your case as well. Good luck. Alecia

Hi I'm new to this so all comments gratefully recieved.
My boyfriend never says a word, I've always been fat and he's a bit on the chubby side too. But sometimes I wish he would say something. I mean he can't be serious when he says he find me attractive! I feel especially robbed as big women are supposed to have big boobs! My Ma and sister are both big women and have the chests to back it up, me I have a huge bum and belly and tiny breasts. How can that be attractive?
I wish I found myself as attractive as Paul (my fella) seems too, I think then hurtful comments from family members and work collegues wouldn't hurt as much. You Boyfriend should support you in a positive way and if he can't a few well placed comments about the lack of size in the trouser area should sort him out. :c(

Recently I've been fighting with my boyfriend about my weight, he's angry with me because I've gained some weight back and no amount of explaining to him will make him see that his criticism is just making this worse. I wonder how all of you handle these issues or if they even come up?

Thanks,

Suzi
Suzy, hun you should not be with a man that is going to constantly argue with you about something so pigheaded as your weight. You should not be with a man like that who is going to get angry because you've gained some weight back why should he be mad at you for something so little and so innocent

Hi all,
I am new to this thread, but personally I think that bf/fiance/hubby should love us they way we are and be supportive to our choice either stay the weight we are, lose weight/gain weight.....
I couldn't put up with a person making nasty comments about my weight...my father did it, at school I got bullied for that and I couldn't accept this from the person I have decided to share all my life with.

My fiance met me almost at my heaviest and he fell in love with me, he was not bothered about my weight and he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful girl on earth...of course I knew I was not..lol...
I have never seen him looking at any other girl or making any sort of comments...only once, he was quite drunk and we were at dinner, we were talking about the past and he said to me that when I was with my highschool sweetheart I was so beautiful I looked like a model and I had the perfect body...at that time I was 125 lbs....that made me realize how much that guy loves me no matter what I look like...it took him 2 bottle of wines and some tricks to make a comment on my weight....since then I have lost 25lbs and he doesn't stop saying how beautiful I am....this for me is a big motivation to go on with my weight loss...negative comments do not help....our partners should share with us our worries and our troubles not make things worst and being abusive....I know I am a very lucky girl but I also know that negative comments would push me right in the gaining more weight direction!

I am 40 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband.
I've lost weight and gained it back plus some. He has never criticized me at all or been negative about my weight. He tells me I'm sexy. :D

You girls are soo lucky! I mean Nick has never said anyhting negative, but in the same token he doesnt tell me how good I look now that I have lost the weight. Everyone else mentions it but he doesnt. I guess I feel good that he didnt care when I got big, but it would be nice to have him say how sexy or beautiful I am. I am tired of hearing it from every man, but the one who matters,

You girls are soo lucky! I mean Nick has never said anyhting negative, but in the same token he doesnt tell me how good I look now that I have lost the weight. Everyone else mentions it but he doesnt. I guess I feel good that he didnt care when I got big, but it would be nice to have him say how sexy or beautiful I am. I am tired of hearing it from every man, but the one who matters,

Hmm, but if he never gave you compliments like that and really don't care if you're heavy or small, maybe it's simply because he thought you were just as attractive before - if so, that's not a bad thing :)

Elsie, have you ever tried to bring up the subject...have you ever asked him: well, what do you think?

When I went to see my fiance during this Xmas break he noticed that I lost some weight since last time I saw him...I reached 134.6 but during the past 3 weeks I have put back on 5.2 lbs ..I was really concerned and not very happy about it as you all can imagine, but it was really a booster to hear from him that he thinks I am the sexiest girl he has ever met and that this 5 lbs don't overshadow the previous achievements...

his positive and encouraging attitude make me even more determined to reach my goal of 115lbs for our wedding...

I have mentioned it a couple times, but in pure male factor he usually avoids the conversation. He has said "I always thought you looked beautiful" but it often seems like a cop out of sorts. Like this email I got where a kid says when you are married "You have to tel your wife she is beautiful, even if she looks like a truck." I guess its not really a suprise I never hear nice words unless I ask, I am lucky that I get lots of compliments from everyone else... but it would nice to get them from the only person who really counts.

[QUOTE=brightonbell]I'm lucky because my partner has always known me as overweight, and seems to like me that way. In a way, I wish he had a go at me for being fat, as the fact that he is quite happy gives me no incentive to lose it. [QUOTE]
I can totally relate to this. I was actually slim when I met my husband but he encouraged me to gain weight as he liked women with some "meat on their bones." I happily ditched the diets and ate whatever I wanted. :) Seemed like a dream come true until I hit 200 lbs. Despite the panic of going over the "double century mark" I had no motivation and couldn't stick to a diet. Now I'm around 240 lbs and don't want to hit 250! :help:

My wife loves me very much, and doesnt see the weight on me. She herself has about 50 pounds to lose, although she swears its more like 65 pounds.

But She has said somthing to me in the past about my weight.

She said I am the love of her life, and she would not know what to do If I ever died. And she let me know that she was worried at night when she slept next to me, and my sleep apnia would stop my breathing. I would wake up gasping for air, and scare the life out of her.

The thought of my weight taking me away from her, scares her.
And for that, I will lose the weight.

My wife loves me very much, and doesnt see the weight on me. She herself has about 50 pounds to lose, although she swears its more like 65 pounds.

But She has said somthing to me in the past about my weight.

She said I am the love of her life, and she would not know what to do If I ever died. And she let me know that she was worried at night when she slept next to me, and my sleep apnia would stop my breathing. I would wake up gasping for air, and scare the life out of her.

The thought of my weight taking me away from her, scares her.
And for that, I will lose the weight.

That's so sweet, and so true...... :)

Well ive had three kids in the past five years and my youngest is only 5 months old. My husband loves to keep telling me that ive put on alot of weight and that he is not happy with it. It makes me feel like crap. Now that ive lost some weight, I ask him if he can see the difference. He says that its not good until i loose all of it. I feel like loosing him!!!!

"The best mirror is the eye of a good friend"

When I put on weight my sister ( also my best friend ) tells me honestly and doesn't hurt my feelings because I know I can trust her judgement. If she ever got any pleasure out of telling me I know she couldn't care that much about me.

My husband just says what he thinks I want him to say. But he has a weight problem and just wants a eating buddy.If I say I have put on weight he'll say something like "you haven't put on that much". I guess it means he loves me no matter what size I am but I am not comfortable being overweight. Are the comments made to criticize or just honest opinion. There is a difference.

Awwww Hungry that is not nice for your hubby to say things like that to you, Gosh he should understand that you have a 5 month old baby and baby weight is the hardest weight to lose... Before I had my son I was able to lose weight fast and now it's hard for me to lose weight.

Is your hubby over weight?

My hubby never says anything about my weight he said that I always look the same no matter how much weight I gain. But everytime I am on a diet and I lose a little weight he'll say something smart like (you think your cute now that you lost a little bit of weight) he willl never support me in my weight loss. But when I am on a diet and he see's a little weight loss then he'll put himself on a diet too and he is not even big he looks nice I hate that about him.

Well Hungry you need to tell you hubby to support you more since you just had a baby


Cat

I was a size 10 when I moved to Berkeley, and a size 18 when I left! Berkeley is the worst place to try to eat right in, everything comes in big portions! And everything tastes soooo good.

My husband never said anything to me about my weight, he actually teases me now that I'm going to have to start shopping for bras in the little girls section because I went from a DD to a C, which is starting to get too big too. :c( So, I usually tell him if he has a problem with it he can go buy me a new pair along with a tummy tuck!

I would say more than likely, he probably doesn't "get it" , alot of people can't relate to a problem unless they've gone through it themselves, like I don't understand alcoholism because I've never had a drinking problem, someone who isn't overweight or has never been overweight doesn't understand why I ate when when I was happy/sad/lonely/stressed/etc, doesn't understand why I loved food, and could never imagine why I would happily eat a whole pint of ice cream and not exercise, and not jump into action and lose weight...Its hard to give up things that become part of your daily life, until you make a decision to give them up, and when you have people being on your case about your weight/problem, it makes it worse... If he wants to "help" you, have him go grocery shopping with you, or make you dinner, or make snacks with you, he'll eventually get the point that you're trying, its difficult to lose weight, and being negative wasn't helping.

I have to say that my partner is the BEST. He has never treated me one bit different in weight gain than he did when I was fit. He is lean with a big metabolism and was always big on snacks. I've been on a perpetual diet and he has stopped eating junk or 'the good stuff' when I'm around. I know it is in the house somewhere, but I don't want to know where. I guess I'm saying that he is supportive without being critical.

On the other hand, when I go back to Tennessee and visit family I end up feeling like a lump of ugly fat. My father and his wife are forever critical and even at my age (50) it hurts every time. They watch every bite I put into my mouth with their upper lips wrinkled up to their noses as if they smell something bad. Believe me when I say I am very careful not to eat badly in front of them, but it makes no difference. I guess they think I shouldn't eat at all. What people like this do not understand is that when I do become thin, I will be the same person I was when I was fat and that hurt will not melt away with the pounds. I feel so lucky to have such a supportive husband!

Cheers!
Linda

You guys seem all so lucky. If I did lose some weight it was only because I knew I was constantly being watched by HIM. I don t even know why he even dated me at the beginning. I only know that I could not eat when he was around, or he would simply scold me. It was hard to deal with it but in the end I know that if it weren t for him I wouldn t have made it. 8-|
....SHUSH I want him back XD ehehehehehhe

URGH... even if people mean to help you with your health, there is nothing as annoying as being scolded when your eating.

I hate that ****!