I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror yesterday when I was at a salon getting my nails done. You know for a split second I didn't recognise me! :c( As I laid my head on the pillow last night I thought about how I am tired of looking at all that fat. What happened to “me“. I really want to see the me that is buried under it all. So I decided that today would bring a new beginning for me. Today I will start my journey to "Finding Beau". I hope the journey will lead me back to a me I can be happy with inside and out.

Day #1 Sunday, November 28, 2004.
I started my day by weighing in with no change on the iron beast. 246 lbs. (Heavy sigh!) I have been playing with the same few lbs for months now. I am just 4 lbs shy of my top weight of 250. The next thing I did was take Mindy for a walk. I had to get my butt up outta bed early to go for that walk too because I had my daycare open today. We headed out at 5 am and it was around -18 c with the wind chill. We did about 20 min and 2 Km. Mindy was the happiest dog in the world the second she heard that color of hers jingle. But shhhh! She does not know she is a dog! I thought about what I need to do to get from where I am to where I want to be. A plan if you will. This is what I have come up with so far.

1) Journaling ~and so here I am. :D I need accountability if only to myself. I need to track my intake in some way. Weather it is points, counting calories, something. I need to be able to recognise patterns good or bad.

2) Diet ~ I will make better choices, meal by meal, snack by snack. Eat less unrefined carbs, more healthy whole foods.

3) Activity ~ A commitment to 10+ min of activity daily. (Thanks Missy) Very Realistic. Doable.

4) Support System ~ I got that covered. :D My thread in Diet Buddies the are a awesome group. DT. Diet Buddies ~ Please Join us, all welcome!!! (http://diettalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44798)

Hey Beau BABY!!! Glad to see you staring on this journal thing. It really only takes minutes here and there to get out your feelings for the day. Even if it is as much as sitting and typing 1 sentence every 2 hours. It gets you to read back to things and see what days you having off and what days your having good.

I like your plan so far. But I think you should try for that exercise thing a little slower. I'm 100 pounds over your weight and I'm having problems with getting out for just a 20minute walk everyday. Remember that link to the "weight loss Ebook" I mentioned posted from LuLu? Read the first ooooo 14pages (yea I'm still on that 14th page) but in that very first area, he mentions it takes 21days to form a habit and then gives you an example and then gives you a suggestion of something to try. Do that to your walking or whatever it is you want to do for exercise. Start out with like 10 minutes even, but EVERY day. Even if it's time to crawl into bed and you realize you hadn't done your walking yet, get right back out and do it. If you can do the 10minutes a day and then add a minute or two a day... as he says and do that for 21days, you will form yourself a habit of getting out to walk everyday. I suggest reading his book.... it's free after all.

Your food looks good so far. I know it's not quite the end of the day though. You talked about wanting to take in less refined sugars and more unrefined/whole foods. The first thing you can do is go out and buy yourself a box of Splenda sweetener for that coffee ;) There are as much as 60 calories ALONE in that one tablespoon of sugar, you can eat an entire piece of fruit which is MUCH better for you for that amount of calories. With Spenda, you use the same amount as you would any sugar and in stuff like coffee you will never notice the difference. The creamer I don't know about but the sugar I do. http://www.splenda.com/ that is the site for Splenda... you can read on it if you have the time.

I love the fact that you choose something like pumpernickle for your bagel then egg bagels. I suggest you don't go looking at the lower-sugar peanut butters though. My father is now a diabetic and he did that low sugar thing on peanut butter and found that they may reduce the sugar level but in turn (like a lot of foods) they add more fat. The sugar for something like that would be better then the fat they add to it.

One last suggestion from what I've seen of your food and from personal experience in the last 2weeks of my down to earth true watching of food. Get ride of the diet pepsi. Yes it is almost calorie free but I makes you feel hungry! I did a little test on this myself last week. I have a bottle of diet coke (I'd personally go for Pepsi as well but I can't have the caffeine and out here the only one that is offered in both is Coke) and I had a glass of that between my normal "eating" times. I did this a couple of times. I even did it once right after dinner. Sure enough within an hour I was feeling a grumbling tummy. I don't know exactly what it is but something in the "diet" part of the soda will make you feel hungry much quicker then if you just drank a normal can of soda. I know you keep a look on my journal... you notice I do drink sweetened iced tea. Hell, I even have Cheetos and such. I just have to learn and teach myself portion control. 1 can of soda with sugar yes will run you 130 calories easy but in the end it'll help you fight of other cravings because you gave your body that sugar it wanted.

Just a few tips from what I've been watching with my own diet. Don't go thinking of foods as "forbidden" ever. You'll only set yourself up for disaster. Let yourself have some of these foods that aren't so good for you. Just try to choose the better of them. Like me, I still have SOME chocolate but I make it dark.... I can't stop when it comes to milk chocolate but dark is just too much to keep eating. Try the light or fat free versions of chips, allow yourself that occasional sweetened drink. But places that you don't need the calories (like the sweetening of the coffee) try to replace. I know how you feel about unsweetened coffee because I hate the taste of straight coffee.

I know your looking closely at what I'm doing. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, questions I can answer, things I can do.... by all means find me. As I say time and time again, I'm most of the time hyper and full of spunk. There are very few days that I have "off" or bad mooded. Those days I just stay hidden to everyone. But so far on my diet, that is even less. The questions I can only answer from my experience though, I'm not professional but I would LOVE to help you on your road to a new life style.

:deer: Missy,

You are the best! Thanks taking your time and for being there for me!

I know I drink waaaaaaay too much Diet Pepsi. This is going to sound funny but I hate the taste of regular pop. I never could drink the stuff. I actually always use splenda but I ran right out today. Picked some when I went out shopping tonight.

I think you are totally right about setting my activity goals too high. I will set it for 10 min a day, for the next three weeks ~ 21 days. As well I am also going to try my hand at counting calories. I will start at 2000 like you and adejust it accordingly. How did you know where too start?

I did download that free ebook. I just need to make time to read the thing!

Wow it's late for me. I better get to bed! TTYL

Great to hear about the Splenda. It's a great product. I even bake with it.... I make a MEAN home-made cinnamon coffee cake (low fat even) using it. If I find where I put it I'll post it sometime.

As far to soda. Then perhaps cut the stuff out all together. One of the rule I've been living by since I started dieting is that you have to make a choice. Do the things that are going to make you succeed (wether you like, hate it or think it is unfair) or not do them and fail. I figure there are always going to be things in life that people don't like but they just have to say "f-it" and do them anyhow. I put this into play yesterday even. It was VERY over cast outside and cold. (for my liking anyhow). I needed to go to the store to get meat that I hadn't yet for our week. I had stuff in the house but I kicked myself in the butt (mentally) and told myself if I said no to that then what is to stop me next time for going out for a walk. So I put on my meter, got my MP3 player and walked to the store and back. Which took me a whole 30mins to do everything. But it GOT ME OUT. That is something I'm trying to work harder on. Getting out on the good days that aren't raining or bone chilling for some sort of walk. If the soda is something that is an addition, try to drink as much water as you do soda (you should be anyhow). But for every can of soda you want (or cup) grab that much water first. Then if you still crave it, only take as much soda as you did water. The next time you want soda... do the same. Grab as much water FIRST, then the soda. If your not cutting it out completely, you can at least reduce it and not feel it as a problem. Just a thought. Remember... everything I say is just a thought or an experience. Nothing I've said ever has to be followed. Just my 2cents.... spend it as you wish thing :D

I'm glad to see you lowered you exercise. Trying to do EVERYTHING at once is not good. You just get over welmed and in the end quit. I'd love to have a true diet buddy... to help and support as well as turn to for the same. I think together we can do this as long as we check up with each other every day.

I would love to help you sometime figure out how to use FitDay so it works for you :). The first step to being able to help you with that though is for you to get a piece of paper and for say 2 days, get the nutritional information off the back of the items you are eating. You need the name, the amount per serving (as well as how much of it you ate), the calories per serving, the fat per serving, the carbs per serving and the protein per serving. Write it all down (don't total it yet) and when you have those 2days, I'll give you a phone call and talk you through the FitDay.... yes you heard me... I'll give you a phone call :D but you have to have the information and have written down everything you ate in the 2 days (besides it makes you keep track of what you ate). Even if you want to make it hard copied here instead of on paper... then I can even see it as we speak. Side note on this.... do you have a food scale?? If not I suggest you purchase one. The digital ones work the best. You can weigh in ounce and grams.

As far as how *I* did the calorie thing. God... that goes back to 2002. I first saw a doctor thinking he could help me lose weight. He at least gave me the medical ok and a starter diet thing for a 1200 calorie diet. I tried this for a bit but in the end I was feeling literally sick tired. I stopped this. The next time I tried for 1200 again alone but then gave in to the hunger thing. After a few tries of this is where I came to being now. The advise I gave you for the don't think of foods as forbidden is something *I* am personally using. Look at my menu yesterday. I had school in the morning but I still have my Cheetos and some chocolate in the evening... to top it all off I still stayed under my max and my percents were good (I try to strive for at least a 60% carbs, 20% protein and a 20%fat) I'm happier when my carbs are higher but only when I choose the right foods that will do this. Whole grains, fruits, veggies. *shrug* I don't know really how I'm doing it. I do keep track of everything I put in my mouth though. I do have to remember and this takes some training, to break up my foods so I get the right calorie count out of it. Like my sandwiches. In FitDay I have to remember to count the 2piece bread, the 2slices of meat, the 10grams or so of cream cheese or butter or whatever it is I use for sauce, and then all the veggies I put on. If I don't do this, I don't get the right calories. Sometime perhaps I'll show you my FitDay.

*nudge nudge* BTW where did your food entry go???? You started it....continue it... even if it ISN'T good. The first thing to help yourself is to commit to yourself. No one on here is looking to belittle you or put you down or anything. Write a comment by your foods of how your feeling when you ate it or why you ate what you did if you think it isn't good... but don't do deleting it or putting in something fake. If you can't be honest to yourself... who can you be??

I'll end this for now. Perhaps we can talk more when your online tonight. Keep it up there... together (and alone) you can do it.... we can do it... lets be there for each other. :hug:

Hi Ya Missy!

My Grandma was a diabetic (she lived with us the last 10 years of her life) and always used sugar subs. I am used to them. But I like Splenda the best.

Cut out Diet Pepsi??? GULP! I think I will try try to drink as much water as soda and reduce it for a start. It is one of the few bad habits I have left!

I went for a 25 min walk with Mindy this am before Jim left for work. I am a all or nothing kinda girl. Always have been. I think doing this together and checking up with each other every day is a great idea!

"*nudge nudge* BTW where did your food entry go????" Oh oh, busted! LOL!
Ok, ok, I am on it! Truth is I have never been able to keep a written record of my intake. Has something to do with my childhood and bulima. But I am working to overcome this.

TTYL, Have a great day

Acivity: 25 min walk

Come-on Beau.... you can do this. It seems a lot but if you take it in steps you'll find yourself doing everything you want to be doing in the end. Including losing the weight you want to lose. You haven't posted anything you ate with exception of breakfast. So what's up baby?? I'm around to talk to.... I'm always up to motivate or even just to release on. I know everyone has bad days and everyone has good days. If you need someone to ACTUALLY talk to and not joke with... come find me.

Hump Day, December 1st, 2004

I posted in DT Diet Buddies about what I see as my biggest problem when it comes to reaching my goals. It all starts with time management. I know what I need to do to loose weight. Like most overweight people, I just need to find a way to be able to do it. My life is and always has been full speed ahead. I have a To Do list from hell. That’s a understatement. Keeping house, kids, family activities, 12 hour daycare days, social activities, life. To boot Jim is away allot with work and I am on my own most of the time. My friends joke and say I am a married, single Mom. I am always short on sleep. When I am tired I am less likely to exercise and am more likely to overeat. This leads to a whole bunch of other poor choices. Jimmy and I have been talking about it but have not found a solution yet. This is why all my "plans" fail due to this issue. No plan I come up with stands a chance until I can get this worked out. So this is my first task to find a solution to my problem.
I used to love going to the gym. I worked out allot. That is not a option because of travel, gym hours, and childcare. So I got equipment for at home. Treadmill, elliptical, weight bench, stability ball, step, ect..... When to use it? I work from 6am - 6 pm. I feel like I steel little snippets of time for myself already. As for diet I think I need to have menus so I have a plan. This really worked for me in the past. I have been working on this for some time. Again it requires time to work on it.

Any suggestions? Anybody? :help:

Mmmmmm..... You have a point. Your last statement mentions about a menu. That is something *I* don't show online yet. Every week (mainly due to money now though) my husband and I come up with a menu for the ENTIRE week. We start from Saturday through Friday because we do our weekly shopping together on Saturdays. I make a balanced main meal plan. Eating during the day is something for me only. Peter takes his sandwiches, granola bar, some fruit crackers, a yogurt and an apple. As for me, I pick whatever fruit I want for the week when I go shopping on Saturday, I make sure I get a lot of lean lunch meats (enough for a weeks worth and a tiny bit more in case I grab another sandwich then I planned for here and there) and I still get my iced tea, cheetos (or whatever chip I want but try to choose the lower fat ones) and even my chocolate. The main meal things I try to make balanced in the sense that I make something for meat (as often as I can I make lean meats), something for veggie (watching out how often I have corn because of the starch) and something for starch (I usually make potatoes cause they are the lowest in calories and high in filling your tummy but I also make rice, pasta and other grains from time to time).

Perhaps this gives you some ideas. It is something I have been doing. I have a little notebook next to me and every week Peter and I make out list. Everyday I cross out that list. Tonight's dinner is some turkey breast that we find at the local Aldi with a kind of spicy honey breading, green beans (which I almost always steam in the microwave) and rice. Also, I made some dessert. The bottom is crunched up cinnamon graham crackers with this sugar-free/low-fat cheese cake moose thing that my mother sent me a while ago. It's a packet of powder that you add skim milk to and just beat with an electric mixer. I also plan these meals around my days at school because 2 days a week I have school in the AM hours and then another 2 of those days I have school in the PM hours of the day. The days I have school in the evening and am only just getting home before hubby gives me "I'm on my way home" call (so I have enough time to get dinner ready... I like to make sure he has a good dinner waiting, not him making me or getting upset or anything... because *I* want to do it) I plan on something that is quick... frying a piece of meat, boiling some cut up potatos and microwave steaming some veggies. Just as much time as a TV dinner in the oven but a full meal with less then 400 calories and 6grams of fat.

:shrug: Just my experiences again. If you want me to shut up and stop typing so much by ALL means.... tell me. I use to in the past (when I was in school mostly) tend to of opened my mouth WAAAYYYY too much and had to learn to close it. Usually it took someone to tell me I'm talking to much to make me notice it though. So please feel free to tell me off but do it nicely ;)

Missy!!! ~ I value your input and friendship! Please do not hold back. I am a big girl and can decide what advise I will use and what I will file for later use. I keep allot in the back of my mind. Oh and can I eat over at your house? LOL. Your meals sound so good!

I was up a bit late last night till 9:30 pm. LMAO. Gawd I am a baby :pass: ! I slept in till six am but am still feeling bushed. I had to run errands and went shopping with my son Aaron in the evening after dinner and stayed out too late. We were all going to go out as a family but just before we were due to leave my little china doll wanted to wet her hair and stuck her heard in the toilet. EWWWWWW!!! :-& So Jim and Mandy stayed home for a bath. I picked up a new pedometer. That reminds me I should put that on this am. Well short on time today. Hopefully will post more tomorrow.

:deer: Sunday, Dec 5th, 04

3 days since I last posted ~ baaaaad squishy!

Today is day one of my week and weigh in day. I am down 4 lbs!!!! As my buddy Dee says: That's 8 lbs gone forever! Woohoo! I have been doing awesome with my diet and activity and it is nice to be rewarded on the scale. I have committed to giving up unrefined carbs (white flour products) I am feeling better for it already. We even went to my work (The Hospital) Childrens Xmas party this afternoon. Normally I cave in social situations. Thats bad cause we are always doing something socially that involves food. This time I stayed in control. I am so proud of myself.

Daily Goals: Journaled :D, Water ~ 5c,
Exercise : 30 (20 min Ellipical, 3 min Jog, 7 min brisk walk)

Monday, Dec 6th, 2004

This morning I got up early and did 30 min on my bike. It has arms for resistance. What a good workout! I feel so good about myself for doing it.

I have been doing great on my "diet". Tonight my Mom is coming over for dinner. There is no other way to say this, I love her, but she is toxic. So I am a bit worried. But I have a plan. I am going to stick to my new way of eating and lie if I have to, :laugh:!!! She is a big food pusher. She always brings the stuff I will binge on even though I have asked her 10 million times not to. She knows about my bulimia. So if she tries to push the sweets on me I am gonna tell her I am too full maybe later, or maybe tell her I have been really craving fresh fruit, since the straight forward approach dose not seem to have ever worked. For self preservation I have to handle her carefully. I wish it wasn't so but I have accepted it and learned to control my own behaviour since I sure can't do anything about her. I am going to be 37 this month, I think it is about time I stop letting her sabotage me. Wish me luck.

My Daily Goals
Journaled :D
Exercise Min ~ 30 bike with arm resistance.
Water ~ 4 c

Hey babe!! I'm so proud of you for losing that 4 pounds!! WTG... mmmm as soooommmmeone mentioned before... "where's that dancing banana?" oh... yea here it is... :dn

I know how you mother is... mine is the same. So far though she's listening to me. She sends me a box every year for xmas full of presents and holiday food. This year I asked her only to pack low-fat healthy things. She is :). She's even looking for a low-fat healthy x-mas dessert thing to pack. I wonder what she's got up her sleeve... she never tells me even a hint... I feel like a kid when I open her boxes.

If it wasn't for her this year, my hubby and I wouldn't really have an x-mas. After some bad spots money wise before and even more when I went to the states this year... there just isn't money for presents or much of anything else. I do SOO hope she comes out next year so I can show her the same love and such that she shows me. I know you didn't have it so good when you grew up... I didn't either but now that I am grown I have a better apparition of my parents and now turn to my mother for the support I didn't have when I was younger and we better understand each other now. I hope some day you get that with your mother as well.

As far as handling her. I don't know what she's like... have you ever been down right stern with her?? No mean or angry sounding but just sat her down, told her that you have problems and that your trying to lose a bit of weight the "good" way... then tell her that you like the stuff she brings but that is the problem... you like it too much and that you don't mind her bringing the stuff for the other's but that you'd like her not to push them on you? Just my 2cents again.

I wrote you an email on your website... let me know what you think of the ideas :)

Hugs and KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!

A word from me about xmas Missy. I am sure from talking to you, this is something you already know, and may not need to be said. My kids do not remember who gave them what. They do remember how people made them feel. Adults are the same way. It is not about things, if you know what I mean.

I am sorry to hear you did not have a good childhood. That is so sad. I have forgiven my mother for my childhood. It took allot of therapy, but I have resolved that part of my past. I understand she did the best she could. In my opinion she would greatly benefit from meds and/or therapy too. But that has to be up to her. I have a relationship with her, but I actively work on preventing her from negatively affecting my family. As far as handling her. I don't know what she's like... have you ever been down right stern with her?? I have tried every which way but Sunday. Trust me.

Tuesday, Dec 7th,2004

I did not workout this am. I opted for extra sleep. “The Girl” (my 3 yr old daughter) was up late last night. I have learned that the amount of sleep I get is directly related to my weight loss/gains. But I am still gonna try and get in a workout later though. I am a little sore from yesterdays workout. Did not stretch, baaaad squishy! I know better. Serves me right.

Dinner with my Mom yesterday was simply awful! She is a extremely negative person and was pissy about everything. She cycles. She is better then she gets worse and worse until there is a point where she has gone too far. Then she is good again. Then the cycle starts again. Mentally, I am just worn out by the time she leaves. Even my husband who normally is a very easy going person, had enough. He said he almost gave her the bird at the dinner table. STRESS! Thank Gawd we do not have to do this too often! The end result, I overate. I started overeating way before she got there. I have to find a better coping mechanism. Maybe I could take up alcohol and cigarettes. JUST KIDDING. I did not binge, but I overate. Better than my normal response and a positive step in the right direction. Next time I will do better.

(Copy and pasted the following from the Dt Diet Buddies Thread.Now no one get mad and throw stuff at me.... Before my second child I used to be a bit of gym rat. I like working out. I feel better physically after I have exercised. My sister in law used to call me thigh-zilla cause she noticed once that she could see my cut (muscle) through my pants. I was not over muscular by any means but everyone has one body part that responds well and mine are my thighs. It takes almost no effort to build them. In truth I would workout if only for the energy I get out of it. I have a busy life and I need all the energy I can get. Now I love machines, but that is not for everyone. I would not recommend it for everyone. I love them that’s why I use them. Everyone should find a activity they love that will benefit them physically. If you love or even like it you are more likely to stick with it. That goes for diet too. I cannot believe I the same person I was physically just a few years ago. How far am from that person today. I hope I find her. I think I am finally on the right path.)

My Daily Goals/Win List
Journaled :D
Exercise Min ~
Water ~
Diet ~

To anyone who may be reading this.

I am closing this thread and continuing to post in My DT. Diet Buddies ~ Please Join us, all welcome!!! Thread. Hope to see you there!