I spent a lot of years, mostly subconsciously, avoiding the dating scene because it was my belief that men did not, would not, and could not find a "Rubenesques" woman such as myself, attractive. :o

As an overweight teen, I had a string of bad (even abusive) relationships and in my early 20s, on some level; I just decided to give up on men. I was happy to just live my life as somewhat of a hermit. I surrounded myself with a few likeminded people and fooled myself into believing I was happy. Too my horror, that happiness with my perpetually single life, recently began to feel like bitterness. I do not want to grow into a bitter cynical person...

Taking emotional risks can be very difficult for me. I find myself somewhat paralyzed at the thought of dating because my fear of rejection and intimacy is so strong.

I am an independent, professional, woman and there this huge (and growing) rational part of me that realizes that these fears are just silly. I need to just get out there and date. I have a lot to offer someone and it's wrong to hide like a turtle in her shell. Isn't it?

So, I thought I would start a thread for men and woman like me to come together and encourage each other. I look forward to your posts.

:rose:

I have been married for almost 2 years now BUT I sure feel ya on the dating thing. I ham going to be 33 in January so I was almost 31 when I got married.
I never thought it would happen SHOT I never thought I could even have a serious relationship. You will when the time comes. BUT you can be a HERMIT you have to make yourself seen and take chances. My best friend is 35 and NO boyfriend in site!!! She is busy with work and school BUT time flies and I think you ...as a woman should do things you wouldnt normally do...like go up to a man or maybe say hi first ........take a chance Believe it or not MEN are scared of woman LOL or just intimidated by most. Get out there GIRL....and dont call them "fears" you are a professional,independant woman and you are your own boss lol
Good luck and take care
Trish

Thanks so much Trish! You are absolutely right... there is one guy in particular I have been talking to. We met at a wedding. He lives near Washington DC (I'm up in Vermont). We've talked as friends for several mouths, but I'm starting to pick up on some hints that his feelings for me are changing. I'm feeling more confident about taking risks these days. I think that he is someone worth trying for. My housemate has been a big help in challenging me get over my fears and push beyond my comfort zone too.

Again thanks so much for the encouraging words!!!
:D

hello all.

I am 25. I was 230 lbs when I started dating my boyfriend who became my husband 18 months later at or wedding I was still 204 and I am 223 again. The reason I am happy with a man now is because I knew what I wanted.

1st: off I didn't confuse sex with love. I found if you keep your clothes on for awhile a man's true attentions will surface.

2nd: If he was ashamed of me in public he wasn't going to get over it anytime soon.

3rd: I took a lot of first steps and got a lot of rejection but at least I didn't spend months and years thinking of guys who weren't thinking of me.

4th: What I learned in my dating life was you can't control other people. Which means, I can't make a man leave or stay with me. If he ain't feeling me. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose or sex I give he is going to leave or stay in his own accord. Therefore, I do only what makes me happy and if the man wasn't giving me what I needed. I was out. There for before marriage my relationships were 1- 1 month, 2- 5.5 month, several - 1st dates

Thanks Lab lady and LISA ...............aint all that the truth

Good luck and again be strong and go for it!!!

You guys are great!!! Thanks so much. You are right. I'm just going to go for it and see what happens. Whatever happens, I'll land on my feet. I'm finally at a point in my life where I know who I am and what I want. I will always be somewhat overweight- it's how I'm built and I don't want someone who's feeling for me fluctuate with the numbers on the scale. :) That I KNOW!!!

I feel a new me emerging!!!
It's so exciting!!!
Thanks again!!!

:D

Isn't it terrible, that even as older women we are made to feel badly about our weight? I want to loose weight to be healthy. To live for my children. But admittidly, so I don't have to feel 'over weight', 'fat' and all the other terms used to describe us...
I love hearing from women who have found that Mr. Right, who loves them for themselves, not their body. They become comfortable with themselves and their lives. unfortinatly we hear all to often how someone has been hurt by a friend, family, even parents because of their weight. I blame society...
Go for it Lablady! We will be here to support you, chear with you, or cry with you!

1st: off I didn't confuse sex with love. I found if you keep your clothes on for awhile a man's true attentions will surface.

2nd: If he was ashamed of me in public he wasn't going to get over it anytime soon.

3rd: I took a lot of first steps and got a lot of rejection but at least I didn't spend months and years thinking of guys who weren't thinking of me.

4th: What I learned in my dating life was you can't control other people. Which means, I can't make a man leave or stay with me. If he ain't feeling me. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose or sex I give he is going to leave or stay in his own accord. Therefore, I do only what makes me happy and if the man wasn't giving me what I needed. I was out. There for before marriage my relationships were 1- 1 month, 2- 5.5 month, several - 1st dates


You should write a book hun. Number one, I am finding out for the first time in my life as it is the first time I haven't had sex way too soon...in fact, its been two months just about and since it was the first time I hadn't jumped into sex, I thought he didn't like me at first...crazy, no? Now I know though that that isn't true at all...I've never been happier and I know that when we do finally have sex, it will be great and worth the wait...sex is like food sometimes in that food tastes better when you are hungry..lol.

Number two, i love that this new guy loves PDA...nothing like being with someone proud to be with you...everyone deserves that...and not everyone likes PDA, especially many guys, so don't let that be the determining factor in his or her pride to be with you.

3rdly, Rejection sucks...I have a fear of it still, but really, what is the worse that can happen...who wants to be left wondering "what if" or "if only I had"...go for it

And last...well said yet again-My first love broke up with me before I met the current wonderful guy I am with now...for a while I even thought I was pregnant and thought how wonderful that would be cuz then he would have to be back with me...well, I'm not and thankful of that now that I see there are better matches out there for me...I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me...a healthy relationship is all about being on the same page, feeling the same, wanting the same things, etc.


Anyway, i like this thread and wish you all lots of luck on your dating endeavors...between all of us I'm sure we all have plenty of advice from our own experiences so this will be a useful thread I hope for anyone out there in the dating world which is full of its ups and downs.

Take care everyone, Alecia

What amazes me is that women still think that men wont like bigger women. I know tons of men who like bigger women, there are even some fetishist, which kinda frighten me. I have a thin boyfriend, but I was small when we got together, then ballooned up, but it didnt matter. He never once mentioned the weight because regardless there was still the same person, just in a different shell. I guess my question to you is, could you love someone even if they were "ugly"? If you answered yes and think that it is whats on the inside that matters, then you need to realizze that there are lots of people out there that are the same way. Hiding from relationships wont make you and skinnier, any more strong, or any less lonely. If you continue at this rate you will start to wonder "what might have been" and that is always a horrible feeling. Really focus on that you are a great person and thats what matters. Maybe I could suggest something like writing down all your good qualities, maybe that will help you to realize how much you have to offer.

Love is Blind, fingerless, and often deaf.

You know what?? If a man truly has feelings for you ?? It's gonna be about you know matter what/// Size or shape will not even count.. I mean look at the generation of people now.. Being as i work in the public eye I have many bfs who come in with their gfs and the gfs are on the plus size... Ladlady please do not put your feelings on the back burner any longer.. If you figure he's got feelings for you?? Go after him..LOL ...and Lisa?? what you wrote down was really well put... And I have to agree with Alecia.. You should write a book.. Or ya can always start The LIsa Show.. LOL

It's weird when I think about it... I can think of so many heavy guys that I thought were gorgeous looking men, but I can't imagine that any of them would feel that way about me. I'm 27 and haven't even been on one date yet. As far as I know, I've never met a guy who liked large woman, but who knows what the reply would have been if I had actually asked them 8-|

In my opinion & experience, I feel that guys still prefer to date slim women 'cos that's what society has programme them to do ... of cos there are the very small minority that doesn't mind dating women bigger than themselves (where are they 'cos I haven't met any). At least in Singapore, I know for a fact that no one would date me or show any interest in me given my size if I am single. Girls here are half my size - underweight. I know that in America, I might be able to get away with this size but not here in Asia. It's a sad fact but true :(

I'm so happy this thread has put me in touch with such kind, insightful, strong women. :)

I was talking with my housemate last night about how I was afraid that the guy I'm interested in (and who seems to be interested in me) wont be attracted to me when he sees me.

--a little back ground... We first met 10+ years ago and I've gained 50+ pounds since then. I met this guy at a wedding when I was in high school and a cousin of mine saw him again this past summer and gave me his e-mail. We hit it off then and we still seem to have a great connection now.

I was imbarrassed to hear the what if's that were comming out of my mouth. I sounded pathetic- I knew this... but I couldn't help it. It was just how I felt. My housemate forced me to make a list of my good qualities, lol- I have the greatest housemate ever :)

I'm planning to try and shift my conversations with this guy into "relationship mode." I'm just not sure how to do it. He's shy, and so am I... this should be interesting.:o

Thanks Ladies,
you are great!

I'm planning to try and shift my conversations with this guy into "relationship mode." I'm just not sure how to do it. He's shy, and so am I... this should be interesting.:o


Good luck! :) If he's the great guy that you think he is, you won't have any problems :hug:

I just read through this and one thing keeps creeping into my mind -- there is a serious lack of self-confidence going on! If you don't think you are beautiful (and you all are) and believe that you have something to offer besides what is on the outside, you probably are communicating that same negative energy to people that you meet. Even at my heaviest weight (a whopping 264.5 lbs.) I still thought that I was a great person to be around and despite my size, I'm a pretty darned good catch (just ask my hubby!). So, my best advice -- love yourself (despite your flaws), tell yourself everyday that you ARE beautiful (because regardless of what you imagine beauty is, everyone is unique and beautiful), and THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT! I've always been told that if you walk into a room with confidence, everyone will notice. If you walk into a room like the invisible man, that someone special may not notice and you will miss the chance of a lifetime.

So ladies, go for it! Flirt, smile, laugh and play -- we all deserve to be happy!

Oh my gosh!!!! I'm so glad that I decided to read this thread! I have always been the shy type, waiting on the guy to make the first more, but it's gotten so much worse since I've gotten heavier! I can't imagine anyone wanting to date me or find me attractive and to know that others out there have some of the same issues, wooo, makes me feel like maybe I'm not such a freak afterall. I'll admit that I've tried some of the online dating, wanting to get to know someone before we met, but none of those have worked out, yep my profile said plus sized lady. Had one guy ask me if plus sized was like Cindy Crawford!! :c( I live in a small town where there just isnt' guys to meet, wouldn't know how to go about it, and to be honest even if, no when I loose the weight, don't know that I would have th courage to go up and approach a guy :o

But I'd also like to know where those guys are that like bigger women?? Can ya ship one to KS?? lol

But I'd also like to know where those guys are that like bigger women??

I think they're all taken already, lol! :D

Seriously, I'm sure that we have some of our self esteem problems because of the way we're often made fun of. I'm sure most of us here have had some not very nice things shouted after us on the streets, and most of those comments are from guys (I don't know how it is for overweight guys, as I've never been one, lol!). I know that happens to me all the time, just a few hours ago when I was walking home, two guys made fun of me. That doesn't make you feel like taking the first step :c( And of course I have to wonder why nobody else has ever tried taking that first step either.

The way some guys will let you know that they're not interested in you when you're overweight, is a lot more cruel and hard to take than what they'll say to a skinny girl. And many of us are probably afraid that we're just asking them to make fun of us. But if you think about it, if we were skinny, would we want to date idiots like that anyway? 8-|

Good point, Maiden, just don't let the comments of a few jerks destroy your confidence. I think most of us in here have been picked on about our weight (and those that don't admit it probably weren't close enough to hear what others were saying). BUT, don't let those people define who you are - self-confidence shows and so does self-loathing. If people can see that you don't like yourself, you become an easy target for the jerks in the world.

Fortunately for me, my hubby is one of the few good ones in the world, but there are others out there -- DON'T GIVE UP!! :D

I used to be very shy and afraid to try dating, but don't give up. I found that there are guys out there who are also shy, overweight, skinny, not attractive, not rich, etc., who also have trouble finding a woman to date and a lot of them are very nice guys. I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 44. We took 5 years to get around to marrying ( the first time for both of us) and are extremely happy. He is very quiet and shy, not the type women would be drawn to, kind of a nerd, but he is a wonderful person. We have a great life together! So, don't overlook guys like him. We met each other through a matchmaker organization called Single Booklovers.

I spent my entire life being absolutely sure that no one would ever love me....let alone be interested in me enough to go out with me.
When I was 47 and had long given up on the idea of love or romance, I wandered into a chat room one night and there he was. We became great friends and I felt like I had to be totally honest with him about my weight. So he knew from the start about my extra weight. Six months later, we met in person for the first time and a year later we got married. How much weight have I lost since then???? Maybe 15 pounds which has come and gone many times during our relationship. He still tells me every day that he loves me. He still holds my hand when we are out together. He still makes me feel like a pampered princess. And he has never said anything bad about my appearance.
Don't give up hope yet......there are nice, decent guys out there that will see the gold in your heart and not the shape of your body. And when you find the right one....it is heavenly!
Good luck!


Vickie:spring:

Okay, so who is gonna cloan their hubby first?? Nice to know that some one out there found a nice one who truly doesn't care about their size!!

Cloning? Now there's a thought - maybe we could start a new business, instead of hiring a maid, you could hire a hubby? He tells you all the good things you want to hear and when he doesn't remember to pick up his socks, you fire him and get a new one!

Okay, where do I sign up for one of those??? Maybe we should patten the idea... :rofl:

LOL! I never said my husband picks up his socks!!!!


Vickie:pass:

I used to be very shy and afraid to try dating, but don't give up. I found that there are guys out there who are also shy, overweight, skinny, not attractive, not rich, etc., who also have trouble finding a woman to date and a lot of them are very nice guys. I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 44. We took 5 years to get around to marrying ( the first time for both of us) and are extremely happy. He is very quiet and shy, not the type women would be drawn to, kind of a nerd, but he is a wonderful person. We have a great life together! So, don't overlook guys like him. We met each other through a matchmaker organization called Single Booklovers.


I think we as overweight women should take the superficaility projected on us and projected it on guys in other ways.

Ex. Expecting a bodybuilder. ( I always suggest against this because they might as you to workout with them. LOL)

Ex. Only dreaming of guys with material possesions without getting to know the personality to see if they are worth obsessing over. ( Ex. Mr. Big on sex in the city. She wasted to many season on that *****hole.)

I think we as overweight women should take the superficaility projected on us and projected it on guys in other ways.

Ex. Expecting a bodybuilder. ( I always suggest against this because they might as you to workout with them. LOL)

Ex. Only dreaming of guys with material possesions without getting to know the personality to see if they are worth obsessing over. ( Ex. Mr. Big on sex in the city. She wasted to many season on that *****hole.)

I agree with you completely!

You guys are helarious! There are plenty of wonderful men out there... this I know. I've met many of them!!! My housemate for example. Men who are sensitive, polite, caring, thoughtful, witty, and respectful- thier only flaw is that they are gay. ;)

But seriously, this thread has been helpful in showing me that I am not the only woman who struggles with ligering self-esteem issues. As a result I feel more confident that what will attract the right man is more than my outer package.

Thanks gals!!!
~Emily