I have been a member of diettalk since the start of the year. Since then I have managed to go from 182 lb to my current weight of 150 lb which I have maintained for 6 months. So way to go me! :D :dc

I am no longer clinically overweight (or clinically obese which is what I was in January) but I do not take much exercise because I am ill. I have not being doing my DT journal since June as I had already lost the weight and was depressed because I couldn't exercise. I had no goal.

:deer: I have decided to take up my journal on DT again just to record what (little) activity I can do because it would be a really positive thing to do.

I am too ill most of the time to walk, to stand, to make my own meals, to see my friends, to work, to go shopping etc, in other words to have a life! It's hard to keep positive. I'm so lonely being in the house on my own all day, feeling rotten from the illness. And I have to fill out 101 stupid forms telling people how ill and useless I am begging for a pittance of insurance or benefits which they never bother to pay me anyway.

This activity dairy is my way of recording the things I CAN do instead of having to make yet another list of those I can't.

Today, Thursday:

Walked to the postbox (2 min)
(with only one stop to cry because it made me feel wretchedly dizzy and tired) and stopped on the way back at a neighbour's house for a cup of tea and a chat and a sit down.

Managed to wash (with a lie down afterwards)
Remembered to take my tablets (eventually)
Not bad.

Future Activity Goals

To Wash Regularly
To Visit Close Neighbours (within 1 min walk)
Do Stretching
Do some Pilates (a bit ambitious but I think I can ease some in if I pick exercises that can be done lying down first)

I'll see how it goes because my illness is unpredictable. I have Basilar Artery Migraine, a rare illness which makes me dizzy and tired and makes it hard for me to see.

My life is so difficult. I have to remember to look after my body by giving it gentle exercise, even when all it wants to do is lie down!

This is great. I forgot how much I had achieved. I feel better already. I can face those piles of claim forms now! :c( :)

Friday: Went to the cinema with help from my friends. C gave me her arm and I walked from the multi storey car park to the cinema next door. There was a lift inside the cinema so no problem with the stairs. 10 min walking (those car parks are huge!)

Saturday: Big day! Firstly went shopping with JP (husband). We parked in town and I leaned on him for support as we walked the five minutes to the shops. I brought my folding stool for checkout queues. He bought my Christmas presents (Estee Lauder Idealist, hooray!), then we had a sit down at the shop cafe then I bought him a jacket. Have to wait for Christmas for my present now! 20 min walking
Then went to friends' house for dinner, just sitting down there but great fun.

Sunday: Mostly resting today. We did a quick grocery shop. We managed to park the car beside the supermarket and I pushed the trolley so I could lean on it for support. 10 min walking

Monday: (today) Went with my dad for lunch at a restaurant. He hadn't seen me for a while so he didn't really get it that he had to support me so that I could walk. The toilets were upstairs which was a problem. In the end I had to get the waiter to help me up the stairs because dad had gone for the car. At home I just crawl but you can't do that when you're out! 3 min walking

I was a bit frustrated because I wanted to go to the post office. I got dad to drive me there but then was a huge queue which I'm not well enough to stand up and do. The post office is only 5 min walk away from me but I knew that when dad went home I would be unable to walk there on my own later on. Very annoying. So I couldn't go. Luckily it wasn't urgent, I'll try to get someone to help me to go tomorrow.

Merry Christmas :)

Beth :peace:

Thanks Beth for your Christmas greetings! :hug:

I have done so well last year with the support of everyone here at DT.

I still can hardly believe that I was over 2 stone heavier this time last year. I'm so glad I lost it in 2004 because my health means that I can't walk or run now.

HERE COMES 2005!
My goal this year is to to lose fat and gain some muscle tone because I'm all flabby! I hardly do any exercise as I am disabled so it is going to be difficult. I am going to have to find somewhere with a body fat monitor to measure my progress to keep me motivated.

This is my plan:

WHAT
3 sessions of yoga/pilates/resistance tube work per week in the comfort of my front room.

WHY
To feel fitter and happier and less depressed at being disabled. To preserve my muscle tone to help my walking so I can keep trying to get better. To feel less helpless and to combat stress. So many reasons!

I WILL MEASURE MY PROGRESS BY...
Measuring my body fat % using a body fat monitor. Every month. Plus my measurements using an inch tape. And write it down on a chart to show how I have improved.

I WILL CELEBRATE MY PROGRESS BY... :D
Giving myself little treats like I did when I lost weight eg new clothes or a book.

Hooray! Looking forward to my modest progress. And I have £15 birthday money and a £10 book voucher to spend on my first treats as it was just my birthday on 14 January.

Thanks for stopping by my journal and for the prayers and special thoughts :hug:

Beth :peace:

Thanks Beth. :rose:

Exercise

Sunday 16
2 hours slow gardening, squatting down on the (cold!) ground so I didn't get dizzy. Planting my tulip bulbs very late.

Saturday 15
45 min yoga! Result! I actually got past the warmup section of my yoga tape. Very gentle yoga. Warmup, stretching and then moon salutation.

Friday 14
20 min resistance tube routine including stretching, crunches, squats etc

NOT doing well with Lisrey's 5 min challenge of 5 min 'air swimming' each day. In fact not done it once. :( The idea was that I get used to doing aerobic work again. I think I am scared of getting dizzy and passing out. Three weeks ago for the first time ever I had an attack and passed out. It's frightening because I could have a mini-stroke and lose brain function apparently. :tongue:

Maybe if I have my DH in the house when I do it I will be less scared. Right, that will be my strategy from tomorrow onwards. :)

Monday
Bad day. Attacks all day. No exercise apart for 5 min air swimming late Sunday which felt very good indeed.

Tuesday
Depressed after attacks, crying. Trouble sleeping. No exercise. Cold coming on, got a temperature and my skin hurts.

Exercise Log

Wednesday: Nothing, because I have a cold and a temperature. I started to make a painting of an amaryllis (although this is not exercise it is very therapeutic) when I was not sleeping (which I do lots of).

Thursday: Cooked dinner (having trouble staying awake because of tablets so this was pretty impressive actually)

I need to do more exercise soon as my cold is nearly over. I am scared that I will have huge attacks at the end of my cold. When I have ended up in hospital previously it has been because of a common cold triggering really big BAM attacks, so I'm going to take it really easy.

PRECAUTIONS
- sleeping lots
- eating lots of healthy food (7 fruit/veg portions so far today - well done)
- NOT eating fatty/sugary foods as a 'treat' for being ill - doesn't work!
- lots of water and fluids
- keeping warm
- limited exercise or none
- not going out if at all possible
- wearing a hat all the time indoors

Right, I still haven't made any effort to find a body fat monitor so I will record my measurements here:

BUST:98cm
WAIST:75
HIPS:103
UPPER ARMS:R30.5/L30
THIGHS:R60/L57
bizarre! my right thigh is 3 cm wider than my left!

Will these change if I gain muscle/lose fat? No idea. Must get access to a body fat monitor this weekend.

Friday: 30 min walking on my own outside!!!!! I haven't been well enough to do this for over a month!!!!! A real red letter day. :cheers: I went to the Chinese supermarket for spices and rice and then got a taxi home.

On the way there I picked up a nice top in the Charity shop for £2.50 (still celebrating my lost weight) to match my new purple cords I got in Monsoon with my Christmas present vouchers. I am slowly building up a stock of size 12 clothes (I was size 18).

Saturday: Rested in preparation for going out to a restaurant in the evening for my birthday dinner. Wore my new clothes!

Sunday: AM: Painted my amaryllis some more. PM: My temperature and cold has come back again so no exercise, just resting.

PENGUIN'S BIG EXERCISE GOAL

Exercise I can do:

PILATES - 20 min
YOGA - 20 min
RESISTANCE BAND - 20 min :lift:
STRETCHING - 10 min
AIR SWIMMING - 5 min

I work best with a defined goal, so I'm going to create a SMART exercise target for myself to keep up the motivation.

Easter is 27 March which is 10 weeks away. If I do an average of 3 exercise sessions per week plus stretching each day, that will give 10 exercise points per week x 10 = 100.

Goal = 100 exercise points.

Bring it on! :whip:

I've been sooooo good!

Monday
stretching: 1 point
30 min walk: 2 points (exceptional for me)
1 hour yoga (including rest break inbetween): 2 points
TOTAL 5 POINTS!! :D

I ache a bit now (Tue) so just stretching today! Already 5 points towards my 100 point target. I knew this target thing was a good idea.

look at you go ! :ex:

wonderful ! :)

Beth :peace:

Thanks Beth!

Tuesday Gardening, 15 min walking (beautiful day), stretching
Wednesday Gardening, 10min walking, stretching
Thursday Ill from attacks (pretty bad, lying down all day)
Friday More attacks, stretching
Saturday 10 min walking with husband (not quite well yet), stretching


Exercise points: 9
Total so far: 14
86 to go

Sunday: stretching. that was it!

Points total now 15

Getting lazy with the exercise. Must do some today as I really am well enough.

I found you rjournal, my cat is banging on the bedroom door( he was sleeping in there and the door is shut) he wants out! LOL will be back later.

Hello Judith!

When we used to have Casper the cat, he scratched the bedroom door most most insistently if he was on the wrong side! And maiowed like he was being tortured by an army of mice. :cat:

Exercise:

Monday: Got off my bum and did 40 min yoga. Felt absolutely wonderful. Stretching too. 3 points
Tuesday: BIG attacks. No exercise, couldn't even raise my head to sit up most of the day. Horrible horrible day. :c(

I think the attack may have been triggered by the smell of the hyacinths I was given for my birthday coming into bloom. It's a pity because they are so beautiful. They are now in the bathroom.

Total points so far: 18

Exercise:
Wednesday Better than Tue, Just about managed to stretch. 1 point
Thursday A good day, getting over the bad attacks. Stretching, 40 min yoga and 5 min walking outside on the arm of my husband (couldn't walk without support) 4 points

total now 23 points! 77 points to go until Easter.

Next week I am starting to tutor a nice 11 year old girl called Robyn. She is going to come to my home and I am going to help her with her times table. She is the granddaughter of my home help who gets my lunch for me. I have had a great time so far preparing the worksheets and maths games we are going to do. I've never tutored before! It's great to feel useful because I've been off sick for so long from work.

Tomorrow my husband and I are going to the zoo. We have wanted to go for ages because we love the penguins and we have free tickets but I can't walk and the zoo is on a hill. So we've hired a motorised buggy at the zoo! I can't wait to play with it. Why should old people have all the fun? This is one time when it's fun to be disabled! We only have it for two hours though. Hope we see everything. :hop: :bunny:

Friday stretching 1 point

Saturday Went to the zoo with my husband. Used the motorised buggy. Zoom zoom! Then in the evening did 20 min resistance band plus stretching. :lift: 3 points.

Sunday Had a great day until 8 pm when a huge attack started. Bummer. Until then, lovely day. Gardening, planting bulbs by sitting on the ground. :spring: 1 point

Monday Ill all day :c(

28 points so far

Tuesday stretching, 1 point
Tutored Robyn today for the first time. It went great. We read Charlie and the Chocolate factory as well as did maths.

Wednesday stretching, 1 point

Thursday yoga 30 min, 1 point

Friday 10 min assisted walking with husband, 1 point

32 points so far

I was not so well this week so I got less exercise in than I would have liked, but I was very glad that I got in at least one session of yoga. I'll try to keep it up because I really miss it when I don't do it now. I'm starting to notice the effect the yoga is having on my body, mainly on my ankles and calves and hips. I'm getting trimmer there. My weight is stable at 150 which is good.

Haven't posted for a while, as I've been too depressed to exercise and then I got sick - throwing up and then a bug with a temperature.

Saturday supermarket with husband 1 point
Sunday swimming with Salwa and Eugene! FABULOUS! Not much actual swimming involved due to 'lazy river' carrying us around all afternoon. Most of the swimming involved getting out of the way of the 101 other kids in the river! 2 points
Monday Knackered from swimming! Stretching 1 point
Tuesday can't remember
Wednesday can't remember
Thursday Went for meal with husband. Ate 2 mussels in seafood boxty. Oops. Discovered food intolerance to mussels, throwing up all night.
Friday SOO tired from throwing up. Nothing.
Saturday into town with husband to Boots. Assisted walking 30 min. 2 points
Sunday nothing
Monday Beginning of temperature
Tuesday Temperature Stretching (making a real effort) 1 point
Wednesday Temperature

Only 7 points in over 2 weeks. Not very good. Need to get back onto yoga sharpish. Just got a great DVD through the post on rental - Chic Fit Pilates. That instructor is SCARY bendy!

39 points so far , 61 to go.
Deadline Easter 27 March! It's only 5 weeks!
I need about 12 points per week to make it. If I aim for 1-3 points per day I might make it depending on how ill I am. I won't beat myself up about it but I'm going to give it a shot.

PRIZE - To be decided. I'll get something for making it by easter, and something else if I make it but not by easter. :)

WednesdayStretching 1 point

40 points now!

HOORAY!

Thursday Pilates 40 min (new DVD on rental - Chic Fit - HARD WORK!) Took lots of breaks on the leg exercises! 2 points

42 points now

Hope to do Yoga and stretching today. I don't hurt too much today - haven't done Pilates for months and I usually am really stiff after the first few times! So I'll recover for a few days before trying it again. I like the video except that there is no warmup or cooldown and no verbal cues during the routine which would help know which position she is about to do. The instructions are good except she gave no instructions on breathing. It was good to see how much Pilates I had remembered - the last class I went to was 4 years ago! My balance is not bad because of the Yoga. I had to lie my head down for all the exercises instead of bringing it up because my BAM makes me too dizzy, but that worked OK.

PRIZES! :balloons:
IF I MAKE 100 POINTS BY EASTER
Something from CDwow (because I have e-vouchers so it would be free - pity they don't do exercise videos so I'll probably get a comedy DVD)

WHEN I MAKE 100 POINTS WHENEVER
A Matisse book from Amazon (because my friend gave me a gift voucher for my birthday)

Hey Penquin,

Good work at getting back to the exercise, wow, you had one awful week there, sounds more like you got food poisoning than just a food intolerance, but, just glad you are getting better.

I am not sure about CDwow, but some stores here will order in certain DVD's or videos especially for someone, they might be able to order an exercise video for you. We have done that before. Won't hurt anything to ask at least.

Keep up the good work, get those points in!!!

crazy2, thanks for the encouragement :D , I'm feeling so much more positive now that I'm back doing exercise! Here come my exercise points!!! :)

The mussels thing was definitely food intolerance (worse luck) because I had it before. Last time the doctor had to inject me in my butt to stop me throwing up! I thought the intolerance might have worn off but obviously not.
Now I know to avoid mussels forever - they're not that common anyway.

Exercise:

Friday too tired after Pilates yesterday for yoga! stretching (I needed it!) 1 point
Saturday 40 min yoga - warmup, moon salutation, a few poses and then relaxation 2 points

Hope to do some stretching as well later. My best friend is taking me to the cinema tonight, so I've been looking forward all day to that. :D

43 points and counting

Saturday Stretching 1 point
Sunday Stretching 1 point

45 points! :D

Saturday (forgot to put in) assisted walking 1 point

Monday pilates 2 points
Tuesday assisted walking , stretching 2 points
Wednesday stretching 1 point
Thursday stretching 1 point
Friday yoga 2 points
Saturday assisted walking 15 min X2, stretching 3 points
Sunday Pilates (new easier tape) 1 1/2 hours! 2 points

GRAND TOTAL THIS WEEK 14 POINTS! WOOHOO!
59 points so far
41 points to go in 21 days
Need to aim for 2-3 points per day.

Ways of getting exercise points
Stretching - 1 point per day
Assisted Walking - 10 min per point, max 2 points
Gardening - 10 min per point, max 2 points
Yoga - 20 min per point, max 2 points
Pilates - 20 min per point, max 2 points
Exercise band - 20 min per point, max 2 points
Swimming - 20 min per point, max 2 points

MUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO OVERDO IT! One rest day between each exercise day.

Sunday assisted walking 1 point

60 points achieved!!!

TODAY I GOT A ROLLATOR! :D Hooray for the NHS! They're going to come and fit my bathroom with aids too. Now I can walk on my own for short distances with this walking aid. I have to slowly build up my strength as I get out of breath easily.

Got the most rotten flu imaginable :c(

Just spent 6 days crying on a heap on the floor. At first I was wondering why and then when I figured out it was just the flu I was so relieved - thank god! Nothing worse and it will get better soon. So the exercise challenge is suspended until my flu is better, and until my post-flu big attacks (which I know will come) are over too, which should be about 2 weeks in all I reckon. Then, back to the yoga and Pilates! :D

My temperature has plateaued and is starting to reduce. I only need painkillers later in the day now. So I'm looking forward to yoga but I must wait until I'm well. The CLASSIC flu mistake is going back to activity too soon, especially fatal since I'm unwell and disabled anyway. Gotta be careful!!! Look after myself, penguin hugs to myself!!! :console:

I'd forgotten how bad flu can be. I had goosebumps followed by sweats within seconds. It felt like someone had dropped heavy boulders on me and then pulled out all my hair and stuck it in back in by the roots, wrong and painfully. All my bones ached and especially my pelvis for some reason. Hooray for aspirin and its magical (if temporary) effect.

I can't believe I still have flu, although it is a lot better. I managed to iron 8 items tonight.

I've had flu since 8 March! I mean, that's 22 days! Crazy! :c( Though I'm not as bad as those horrible first few days, I just want to hurry up and get better and get back on track for some exercise. I'm going MAD! All I do is sit on my sofa and do nothing, and wait for the temperature and the aching to stop. Two nights ago I sweated so much my hair dye came out for the first time ever and my pillow looks like someone has shaken pepper all over it in one great shake, very strange. I've no idea how I'll get that out. It was my favourite pillow case, the only one that matched!

I've invented a new game for stopping me going mad. I listen to Radio 3 and Classic FM and tape off my favourite music, and read about it on the internet. Thus I am teaching myself classical music, something I somehow never got around to. So far I have discovered I love Bach and Haydn and recorded and enjoyed the Met's performances of the Barber of Seville and Cavalleria Rusticana. And I have heard for the first time knowingly Smetana, Couperin and Gorecki, all great. None of this involves much muscle movement and is perfect for flu recovery activity, I highly recommend it.

I have put on at least 2 pounds in the last 3 weeks I have had flu. I am not surprised since I have done no exercise and have treated myself to chips and lots of butter as comfort food.

Time to change! Back to rice cakes and fruit for me. Still waiting to lose the aches and temperature so I can exercise

Just wanted to say hi from one Pengwyn to another Penguin. How is life in Belfast. I have family in Glengormley and hoped I would be able to get over this spring - but alas = it's not working out that way.

Congratulations on maintaining.

Cheers

Hello Pengwyn! The weather in Belfast is great and very spring-like here. What a pity you can't get over.

STILL not back with the exercise. :c(

The weather has gone back to winter and I have caught a cold. I've been dosing myself with asprin but I still can't sleep tonight (4 am and counting).

I just want to get back to normal!

I'm going mad, totally stir crazy. That's since 8 March I've been ill on top of my usual illness, which is worse because of the flu and cold. I really am going crazy. Each night when I try to sleep (some joke) my head spins for hours and I just cry and cry because I feel so rotten. I usually give up about 4am and just do something else (like now). For a whole month.

I've started shouting randomly at DH and that is something I try like mad to avoid, he is a saint. Most of the time I just sit, self-pityingly, going over in my head why my life is cack and all the bad things that have ever happened to me. If I could just stop being so ill for a few hours!!!!! Every time I drag myself out of the self-pity mud I am back again in 30 min.

I am really upset at my parents in particular. I always kind of thought that if something bad happened to me, they would be at my side, supporting me. Well, here I am, disabled, having to use a frame to walk and they are no help at all. My mum says 'you can be well when you want to be' 'if you tried you could be well'. I have to get a lady in to make my lunch each day because I am not capable. I asked my (rich) parents to help with the cost and they refused, although they offered to give us an expensive, unsuitable present which I would be unable to take up, being disabled. I know that from their point of view they thought that they were being generous - from my point of view the thoughtlessness was staggering.

I asked them to help me to take me to the dentist's as I have to have a helper to go out anywhere. Their reply was 'perhaps in autumn' - and they said this in March. They have made it clear time and time again that they do not accept that I am disabled and refuse to help. I have suffered with this illness since I was a small child, been in and out of hospital all my life. Since I was tiny I have been told to 'stop playacting' when I had an attack.

And yet I still hope deep down that magically they will change into caring, loving parents. If they just see that I really am sick and disabled they will suddenly be helpful. I'm SO SAD that they have been like this to me. I know that according to them they have been great parents and that I am being unreasonable. And I know that I cannot change them, I can only change myself.

I thought that I had got over this years ago. It is because my illness has got so much worse in the last few years that all the old feelings are coming to the surface. It is horrible.

Well, the situation with my parents has improved. I was really angry in my last post. I waited until my anger ran its course. I also read a book about why people deny their friends/family are ill or disabled. I always just assumed that it was selfishness, and it is in a way, but the book was explaining that people deny that their loved ones are ill/disabled because

- they don't want to accept that such a bad thing can happen randomly
- they would have to accept that such a bad thing could happen also to them for no reason and it is very frightening to have no control
- they believe that illness is fixable with modern medicine and they are scared to find it is not
- they fear that accepting that I am ill means that they are allowing me to 'give in' to the illness

Also, as I have to repeat to them the symptoms and problems I am having with the illness each time because they are not accepting it, they wonder why I cannot 'move on' from my illness. To me, they seem heartless, to them, I seem obsessed with the illness in an unhealthy way.

I finally found a way of getting around the problems. It is a real breakthrough.

Before, every time I mentioned my illness, they would glaze over at best, or say I was selfish to talk about my illness. Then they would say that I could be better if I tried to be and I was too easy on myself. If I tried to give them written information on my illness they refused to take it and criticized me for it, saying I had no moral strength. If I asked for help to do tasks that I found difficult because of my disability they said that the hospitals were there to do that kind of thing and it was not their responsibility.

Now I have changed my approach. I no longer talk about the problems I have but how I am OVERCOMING them and I am getting a much better response. For example, I use a walking aid (rollator) and I talk about how this helps me do things I otherwise could not eg go to the toilet unaided in a restaurant. Or that I use grab bars in the bath or sitting on the floor to dress myself. By talking about how I am overcoming the problems of my illness they have accepted for the first time that I actually have the problems! Result! It is such a relief! :)

The 'worse' thing of the title is that I have a medical exam for my Incapacity Benefit next Monday. Last time they found me fit for work, which was clearly crazy in my opinion. The problem is that I have a wierd illness that does not fall neatly into their pigeonholes. This time I hope to have my social worker with me. It is still a nightmare. Last time after I was found fit for work it was so stressful. It felt like I was being called a liar, as well as trying to manage being ill every day. I appealed with no result. I became suicidal and my illness got a lot worse. It was a nightmare situation which took about a year to recover from. I have had therapy already on the possibility that I MIGHT have a medical! It is so unbearably stressful. At the moment I am preparing documents which describe my illness. Keeping busy is taking a bit of the strain off the stress.

GOOD NEWS!
The flu is eventually over!! :D
I have decided to do the exercise challenge without a time limit given the stress circumstances I am under.

Previous total : 60 points

Saturday 16 April 20 min pilates 2 points
Sunday 17 April stretching 1 point


new total 63 points!

Exercise Log:

Mon 18: resistance band 20 min hooray! 2 points
Tue 19: gardening (sitting) 2 points, walking with rollator and DH, 2 points, total 4 points
Wed 20: today I had my 11 year old neighbour in to help her with her homework. Afterwards I was very tired and could not walk at all that evening. DH had to help me to the toilet etc. No exercise.

Not doing at all badly with the exercise.
Total so far 69 points :mus:

I have a treat already purchased for when I reach 100 points. It's sitting on a shelf in shrink wrap so I can't play with it before time! I have a choice of CDs which I got free for clicking on ads on an online site over the last year -

- Bach violin concertos
- Bach cello works
- Mozart horn concertos

I don't know which one I'm going to choose when I reach 100 points. Then I have to do another 100 points to get the next CD! Hooray! :wn

:D what can I say? I'm on a roll! :dn

Thur resting all day (too ill) no exercise
Fri pilates 2 points
Sat (so far) stretching 1 point

points so far 72 Only 18 points before that CD is mine.

I did yoga last night! Just the warm up and relaxation but it was SO GOOD. I felt it in my legs. Pilates is good for my stomach and back but yoga exercises my arms and legs more so they complement each other perfectly.

I was not so well this morning and had to crawl around the floor but after my home help came and got my food I was able to walk again and less tired.

Saturday yoga 2 points :peace:

Total so far 74 points

Exercise :)
Sunday rest day to prepare for interview the next day
Monday a very stressful day - I had to go to my Incapacity Benefit Medical examination. They had no wheelchair I could borrow so I had to CRAWL around their building on my hands and knees. Really degrading. Recovering all day, no exercise.
Tuesday Pilates 2 points

point total now 76 :D

I am going to take up with my MLA (local polititian) the subject of the accessibility of the Incapacity Benefits office. It is EXTREMELY difficult for disabled people like myself to negotiate. Most public buildings in N Ireland provide wheelchair-friendly-doors and the loan of a wheelchair. For example city hall, the museum, the zoo and two of the biggest shopping centres (through shopmobility). This building is full of doors which you need someone else to open for you (at least 4 before you even reach reception!) and there are no mobility aids to borrow, but they KNOW that lots of disabled people will be visiting. It is as if they are trying to make it as difficult as possible for ill people in the hope that they will find it too difficult and stop claiming benefit.

Last time I was there I collapsed. This time I brought my social worker but it was still really difficult. This time they made me take off my clothes for the physical exam, which they hadn't previously. When I asked why, the doctor got really blustery and defensive and raised his voice to me. He said that I wouldn't ask my GP that if they needed to do a full examination and that it was 'standard procedure'. I wasn't happy at all with the answer but I was too ill to say anything. The cold from being undressed was making me more ill.

In fact I have a great GP. She would always explain exactly what she was about to do and why. I wouldn't even need to ask. It just makes me really paranoid and suspicious about what they were looking for. I had said that I had trouble walking and I fell often. Was he looking for muscle wastage? Bruises? Whether I shave my legs? He just wouldn't say. It makes me really upset and worried. They have such power. Last time they said I was fit for work and stopped my benefit for 6 months, then reduced it for the next year. We had financial problems, not at first, but after a year.

I mean, at the last interview I collapsed and the nurses said that I shouldn't have come because I was too ill. Then they said I was fit for work! You can't trust them to make the right decision. I thought that if I told the truth it would all be OK but it is not true. They are a big behemoth and I am a tiny ant. They don't even notice crushing you.

On the plus side, I managed to do Pilates last night. I hoped it would help me sleep/destress me, but I still cried myself to sleep because of the medical.

Exercise

Wed yoga warmup, plus short walk with DH and rollator into back alley to see the gardens 3 points
Thur sudden call by my best friend to go to the cinema! hooray! :) walking with rollator, then stretching later 2 points

points 76+5=81

So close now!

Friday helping DH clear up for the building work with lots of rest inbetween 1 point
Saturday ditto 1 point
Sunday ditto 1 point
Monday DH off work - bank holiday, last minute clear up and panic, having a bad attack and worried about hospital visit tomorrow. No exercise.
Tuesday visit to specialist at hospital, very tiring. No exercise.
Wednesday Building work started on our house. Mess reigns, but it is nice to have someone to talk to. No exercise
Thursday Got excited by the building work and ripped apart a bit of the hall myself 1 point
Friday picked up the wheelchair from the Red Cross. Immediately went up to the pizza parlour with DH in it, half pushing myself, half with his help, very slowly, in the rain. Not good with a head cold. Arrgh my muscles! 2 points
Saturday ill in bed with the cold, very ill
Sunday so very ill
Monday cold not so bad, took the wheelchair out in the sun for a turn 2 points
Tuesday wheelchair around the street 2 points
Wednesday wheelchair to letterbox - a new achievement! :party: I haven't been able to get to the postbox on my own since some time in 2004 I think! 2 points
Thursday wheelchair muscles protesting, having a rest day


I haven't been able to get the computer out for a few weeks because we had building work done to our house - new double glazed windows put in. There was a lot of dirt and dust and general piles of stuff sitting about which is not a good environment for a delicate laptop. So lots of exercise to log on!

I am in the middle of a really rotten cold at the moment too. I have only been sleeping with the aid of painkillers for a week now and have lost my voice since Saturday (6 days now). I have been using a pad of paper to write down longer words and whispering where necessary.

Total exercise points above 12!

Total now 81 + 12 = 93

7 points to go!

Friday the sunny weather continues, wheeled to the Lisburn Road and then did Pilates at home 4 points!
Saturday took the chair to the shopping centre for a haircut and a general wheel around. Bliss after the hills around my house! 1 point
Sunday wheeled up the road again 2 points


:1stprize: 100 points!!! FIRST EXERCISE CHALLENGE COMPLETE!

For my first challenge I awarded myself a prize of a Mozart Horn CD. I've listened to it 3 times already. So beautiful and relaxing.

NEW CHALLENGE STARTS HERE!
Monday rest day
Tuesday went by taxi to the art gallery with my best friend, then we CAUGHT THE BUS back - the first time in my wheelchair! On the way home I stopped at the pharmacy too - the first time I went into a shop on my own in the chair. A big day. 2 points

Hopefully more pilates or yoga tonight as it is raining and I have a cold so I don't fancy going outside with the chair.

Total: 2 points

exercise log:

Wed wheeling to Lisburn Road 2 points
Thur pilates and wheeling to letterbox, 4 points
Fri resting for big day in Bangor
Sat attended disability funday in Bangor, lots of wheeling 2 points
Sun lots of exercise, gardening, yoga, wheeling to postbox, 6 points
Mon rest day - possible cold coming on

exercise points 2 + 14 =16

Respectable total so far

My exercise has been going great but I have put on a bit of weight. How? I haven't been eating more (I don't think?) and I have been doing way more exercise since I got the wheelchair. Have to be more careful for a few weeks and get it down again.

Weight now 155 - should be 150

On the other hand my clothes all still fit. If it goes up any more I shall start writing down what I eat for 2 days and see what I am doing wrong.

Exercise

Tue Another rest day because of possible cold (don't want another cold after last time took over a month to shake it)
Wed Lots of wheeling! First to doctor's in the rain up a big hill (SO wet, had to change every item of clothing) and then we went to visit DH's in-laws - over from Holland for a week. We had dinner with them at a hotel and then I wheeled home. 4 points

20 exercise points

I am about to sign up for my first WHEELCHAIR FUN RUN! 2.5 km, but very hilly, in 3 weeks time.

Going to do more yoga today to give my arms/shoulders a rest. My yoga goes more for my legs.

I ordered a Pilates tape from amazon and they e-mailed me yesterday that it has been dispatched. I am getting 'Pilates for Dummies'. I checked out a few different ones with my online rental DVD club and I liked that one the best, though when I get better I want to get 'Fit Chic'. But it's too hard for me now.

Now I'm using a wheelchair I have to get onto my doctor to get a physio to give me exercises so I keep the strength in my legs. I expect the waiting list is about a year though - NHS. In the meantime I can check out the gym.

Disability Day in Bangor - MORE Exercise

Last Saturday I met a professional wheelchair marathon guy, Kenny. He's the UK wheelchair marathon champion and he does about 20 a year. Pretty inspiring. He's going to be in New York when my DH is running the New York marathon. He was showing the crowd how you can work your whole body with an exercise band (one of which I have already). I also saw some wheelchair basketball played which was fast-paced stuff. Most relevant for me though was the wheelchair skiing which is done about 20 miles from me each week on an artificial ski-slope using a ski-chair. They don't start again until October and I definitely want to check them out.

http://www.skiability.com/ (http://www.skiability.com/)

Thur Spent the day trying to tidy up the house for the in-laws' visit. Very tiring. Bending over and thinking are not good for my illness. Sporadic success. Then 10 min yoga to wind down in the evening. 1 point
Fri Did my regular wheel up the hill to the Lisburn Road and back, great! 2 points

23 exercise points

Sat out all day with in-laws, wheeling in wheelchair. Went to Castle Espie to feed the ducks. Then did stretching at home after a big rest 3 points

26 points

Hi, you have done very well on your weightloss dispite all your physical problems. Maybe the unexpected gain is from building up muscle from all the wheelchair work.

I hope you got sorted out with your disability pension. That can be such a nasty business dealing with bureauracy.

Pat

Thanks Pat :)

for your helpful words. It HAS been annoying me about the weight gain! But I've seen this time and again on DT - when people start doing exercise and their weight increases at first. I'm not the only one.

I'm still at 154, which is a pound down so it's going in the right direction this week. In 4 weeks it might be back again to 150. I can live with that. I am getting rather splendid biceps and shoulder muscles from all the wheelchair pushing. :lift:
And my bosom is perkier heh heh heh!


When I'm out training in the wheelchair people keep asking me if I want pushed! Especially on the hills when I'm really giving it welly. It's getting quite repetitive but they mean well so I say to them that I'm trying to exercise and get muscles and say thank you with a big smile. It's actually very nice that there are so many good people out there. :cheer:

Though I never get offered help when it's raining and that's the only time I actually need it, because the rain makes the wheels really slippy and hills are impossible then. Plus the rain all gathers in the seat until I'm sitting in a puddle - YUK. I just try not to go out in the rain.

Exercise Log:

Sun went to the zoo with my in-laws, used a motorised buggy. No exercise - overdid it a bit Sat. Collapsed on the sofa while they went for dinner together as unable to sit up anymore. no points
Mon rest day, then a wheel up the hill at the end of it to let off steam 2 points
Tue went to the disabled day centre where we went for a wheel in Ormeau Park - quite a hill out of the park. Just about made it. 2 points
Wed no exercise, helping young neigbour with her homework and doing painting with her.
Thur visited my doctor, then went to Botanic Gardens in the wheelchair for the first time ever! Amazing sense of freedom. 2 points
Fri Big day today. First took buses to a Disability Art thing in East Belfast in the morning. Then rest. Then went with DH to a BBQ at his boat club in the evening. 2 points
Sat went with DH to Lisburn to pickup his race stuff for next Wed and to checkout the course for my funrun. Wheeling round the Leisure Centre 1 point
Sun Feeling very tired from all my activities last week - no exercise today
Mon Amazingly tired still. Lying down all day - what is wrong with me? Perhaps I overdid it last week. A friend called round and I wheeled up the hill with her to get some exercise. 2 points
Tue Dragged myself to the day centre. Perhaps shouldn't have gone because I was very tired, but it was fun while I was there (only 2 1/2 hours a week). Played table tennis for about 10 minutes till my head spun and I was out of breath and then did art. But it was good - I hadn't played it in years. When I got home I did a yoga warmup in the evening in an attempt to feel less tired and slept well at least. 2 points

26+14= 40 exercise points - 60 to go until next treat

FUN RUN 22 JUNE

My husband has just pointed out that I should give myself extra exercise points for a fun run since it is a special event. So I'm going to get 5 points for the fun run (2.5 miles) instead of my normal 2 per day of wheelchair wheeling. That's 2 exercise points per mile in case I do more races.

Exercise Log:

Wed I had my young neighbour in for homework help and I had to send her home, I was too ill and tired. I have been overdoing it.
Thur rest day. I was pooped!
Fri I went to see my young neighbour's school concert. It was great! Lots of singing. Wheeled there and back 1 point
Sat more resting. yoga warmup (to exercise my legs) 1 point
Sun Lovely weather. Last wheel up the road and back before the funrun. 2 points
Mon leg exercises (trying to balance all this wheelchair work on my arms) 2 points
Tue Didn't go to my day centre, resting for funrun. Pilates 2 points
Wed FUNRUN Day! 3 miles of hilly wheeling, lots of applause from bystanders to help me on my way. 2 points per mile, a big 6 points

exercise points running total
40+14 =54
Now over half way to my next treat.

I'm having a really bad time of it at the moment. I've been doing too much and I'm exhausted. I did a fun run, then topped that off with a week of too many activities. Everything came at once.

Just as I am starting to be able to go out with my wheelchair and my new-found muscles, the fatigue is killing me. My determination is pushing me on at the same time as I want to drop down dead from the sheer suffering of it all. I am trying to find a way that I can live but it is hard.

Exercise diary:

Thur rest after fun run, phew!
Fri two buses there and back to my art group. Difficult. My arms are still like jelly. 2 points
Sat went to Belfast Carnival with my friend and her 4 year old son for a few hours. Lots of kids dancing in excellent costumes, very well organised. wheeling around, 2 points
Sun DH had arranged for us to go to the zoo. Some chance! I was way too ill. He rescheduled for next Sat. Lying down all day. Blurgh.
Mon I have been asked to be on the board of my disabled art group's charity, 'Open Arts'. This was my first board meeting. Very exciting. They do good projects - a choir, a gamelan, street theatre and visual arts (my specialty). They plan an exhibition for next year. wheeling back from the arts centre, 2 points
Tue A BIG day. First I went to my day centre, where we went on an unexpectedly big wheel through the park in the middle of the day's heat. It was a bit too much. Then I went to the opening of a gallery of a charity I was involved in before I got too ill to volunteer. I hadn't seen them for a year and it was very exciting but tiring. DH gave me a lift home. wheeling in the park, 2 points
Wed no exercise, doing art with my 11-year old neighbour (missed her last week due to fun run)
Thur Rest day. Feel like death. Was supposed to go to opera in the park with my friend but horrible misunderstanding happened. Makes me feel even worse, guilty.
Fri Went to art group. Too ill to get buses there, so got a taxi and they paid, or else I couldn't go, and got a lift and a bus back. Great warm weather. wheeling home, 2 points

Exercise points 54+10 = 64

Reading my exercise log makes it clear what I am doing wrong
1. NOT ENOUGH REST DAYS!
2. Not enough variation of exercise eg wheeling, Pilates, Yoga. My legs are being neglected with too much wheeling.

Unfortunately I have things planned for next Sat, Mon, Tue and Wed. This is bad. I will have to take out the thing on Tue to give a rest day. Maybe if I make a wall chart or something? Or give myself exercise points for rest days? I work really well in this structured way, I'm so anal!

I just got the result of my incapacity benefit medical benefit back and they have stopped my benefit. This time I got ZERO points for physical problems out of 15 ie they thought I was lying, even though I had to crawl across the room at the medical (because it was before I got my wheelchair). It was SO humiliating. (At that time I was not going out anywhere that I could not borrow a wheelchair for.)

My husband wants me not to appeal because last time I nearly killed myself because the appeal procedure is so horrible and makes my illness even worse, and they found against me on appeal anyway, so what is the point? They are always going to get it wrong whatever I do. The system is against me. I can't win because they use the same system to judge me at appeal as at the medical.

Perhaps this is one battle I should just give up and not even try to fight. But on the other hand, they are just wrong. I know that appealing is the right thing to do. But is it the wise thing?

Trying to keep it together after the benefit debacle. I have been going back to my counsellor and I have decided to take on a long-term personal project that I can really focus on, to take my mind off it all. I have decided to finally do the Dutch 'A' level that I have been thinking about for years. So what if I am too ill to travel to Holland? I can still read Dutch stuff online, Dutch books at home and talk to my in-laws when they visit me.

Exercise log

Sat did something today, but I can't remember what
Sun
Mon I saw my counsellor today with my DH. there was so much to talk about I just kinda cried, so I don't know how useful it was.
Tue was supposed to go to day centre today, but I cancelled it because I was way too ill and tired.
Wed Today for the first time I had to tell my neighbour to go home during her visit as I got so ill just talking to her and trying to sit up. Then when she left I cried for hours.
Thur Trying to rest.
Fri packing for trip to Holland, slowly, through day, with help of DH.
Sat Journey. Very difficult. Arrive at hotel for 2 days of rest before we reach my aunt's. Room service - bliss! The weather is delightfully warm.
2 points for wheeling.
Sun More lying and resting while DH goes to visit friends. I exhaust the room service menu.
Mon Travel to my aunt's. Stay there.
Tue One day of action - we visit a nearby monastery, Achelse Kluis. A perfect day out. Wheeling through the forest and fields, 2 points.
http://www.achelsekluis.be/ (http://www.achelsekluis.be/)
Wed Resting after the day out. Bleugh.
Thur Travel back to Belfast. Very very hard physically. 2 points wheeling
Fri DH back to work, I rest. I don't think I can travel again, it's too hard. Plus read the horrible letter about my benefit being stopped.
Sat went to the supermarket with DH, 1 point
Sun resting
Mon resting
Tue not back at day centre yet, but went to the letterbox, 1 point
Wed resting
Thur pilates, 20 min, It feels good! 2 points
Fri wheeled for the first time to the nearest supermarket! Then I got a taxi back with the shopping. Oh my aching stomach muscles from Pilates. 2 points
Sat spent the day with my friend. We went to the park with her 4 year old where he pushed me down hills! then I lay down at her house and played snakes and ladders with them. 2 points
Sun Went to the annual Rose Week at Lady Dixon Park with DH. The hills were rather steeper than I remembered. Also it was my first experience of wheeling on grass. But a great day out. 2 points.
Mon Went to my counsellor again. This time alone. Lots of talking. Lots of thinking at home.
Tue 26 July first time at day centre for a long time! hooray! I did some art. Then I slept 16 hours. Wow, not recovered yet! I find it hard but it's all good practice. wheeling, 1 point

64+18 = 82
18 points till my next prize!

Computer problems, so I have not been keeping this very up to date.

Wed 27 July resting
Thur 28yoga. I am really having problems doing some of the moves. I think my illness is getting worse. 1 point.
Fri 29 back at my disabled art group. They have been making great progress while I was away. We are making an 8 foot mosaic lizard and it should be finished soon. 1 point.
Sat 30 DH went shopping without me this week, I rested. No points.
Sun 31 pilates, 2 points
Mon 1 First day of new tablets. Great! They really take my tinnitus away. It's a pity they last for such a short period of time. On the plus side they work really fast. They also work on my dizziness, my main problem.
Tue 2 Went to my day centre. Did a top print of an angel. 1 point
Wed 3 resting
Thur 4 practiced walking!!!! Hooray for the new tablets. Dug out my old walking frame and walked to the end of Ashley Drive with DH. Then shooting pains behind thighs. This will take some practice. 1 point
Fri 5 took my walking frame to the art group instead of my wheelchair. It was tough going. Phew. 1 point.
Sat 6 Swimming in Lisburn with my best friend and her kid. Got the bus there. Took my chair, no way I could walk from the bus stop yet. Great day out. The kid rode on my knee in my chair when he got tired! So sweet. exercise points for wheeling and swimming, 4 points
Sun 7 resting, tired
Mon 8 Aug still very tired. DH offered to help me practice walking but I was too tired. No points.

Total 82+11=93


Only 7 points to go until next CD treat!

Plan of action : Pilates, more walking practice, wheeling practice and possible swim (such fun!).

Getting really close to my next exercise reward - yeah!

Tue 9 Aug day centre, 1 point
Wed 10 practiced walking, 1 point
Thur 11 resting
Friday 12 birthday party for my best friend, rested all day to prepare
Sat 13 full yoga session 2 points
Sun 14 wheeling to park and back, fantastic! 2 points
Mon 15 lunch with parents today. yoga warmup, 1 point
Tue 16 went to an exhibition with the day centre at Queens, wheeled back, 2 points

9 points so I have reached the 100 points target!!!! and 2 points to spare

100 points goal reached :cheers: :party: :cheer:

I am awarding myself a Bach CD (or maybe a Monteverdi, haven't decided which).

New total : 2 points and counting.

Excellent news reaching 100 points! I am now on my 3rd 100 points exercise goal. It has really worked at keeping me at exercise long term, even when it is difficult, because it emphasises that every little counts. It's so positive.

I have recently also been learning to meditate, but I have been having trouble keeping that regular. The problem is that sometimes I sit up to meditate and other times I am too unwell to sit, even with support, and it is a very different experience lying down when I am just learning because of the different breath. It is also hard to keep a clear head when I am on all sorts of medication and my head is foggy and dizzy from my illness itself. Nonetheless I think it is a very worthwhile thing to learn and I am going to persevere. Some of the basic breathing exercises and visualisation I have been doing for years in yoga and in relaxation. Meditation is different though and interesting.

I have been listening to Bach's Violin Concertos and the Beatles Help! album as my treat, all free through the internet, through clicking on ads. Hooray!

Wed 17 rest day
Thur 18 visited GP to talk about medication, wheeled there, 2 points
Fri 19 long wheel with DH to the park. 2 points
Sat 20 another long wheel with DH to the park and then to the river. Beautiful weather. 2 points
Sun 21 very tired from the wheeling, lay down all day
Mon 22 recovering, but did some yoga , 2 points
Tue 23 went to day centre, where I collapsed for the first time, very embarassing, I HATE that, wheeling 1 point
Wed 24 resting, totally pooped
Thur 25 resting, and did some light housework in the evening
Fri 26 visited specialist today, yearly visit. yoga warmup to calm down in the evening, 1 point
Sat 27 went to barbeque of DH's friends, very difficult
Sun 28 resting, crying
Mon 29 depressed today, no exercise. I think I have been overdoing it a bit so I am going to cancel my day centre this week

2 points + 10 points = 12 points

way to go ! :cheer:

I too love to meditate :)

Beth :dn

thanks Beth for popping by! :hug:

I've been finding the meditation really helpful with my illness. I manage 10-15 min a day so far. I sit still and start with observing my breathing, then I try to make my breathing smoother and deeper. Then I imagine that my breath goes in down my spine and out up my front, in a circle. After a while I try some simple visualisation. I imagine a dot of light growing larger until I can step through it, several times. Then I go back to keeping my mind on my breathing. Sometimes instead of visualisation I use the peaceful meditation time to think around an issue I have decided on previously. I try to keep it simple.

After my meditation I usually feel a peaceful buzz for about 10 minutes which is just wonderful and very welcome given that I spend most of my day feeling so rotten. I got a book out of the library, "How to Meditate" by Paul Roland, which has been useful so far.

I have been so depressed recently. And when I go out I just keep collapsing in a big heap of suffering on the floor. Today was the last day that our arts group were making the mosaic lizard and they just had to put me in a taxi home.

It really is not good. I have decided to just give everything a rest for a week and indulge myself. I am going to eat what I want, sleep when I want and do what I want, and most importantly REST. No worrying for one week and just slob out and pig out until I stop collapsing and shaking and crying all the time. I have cancelled my life, I've done it before.

I have been putting on a few pounds recently but I DON'T CARE for the next week. I am going to eat to get better and sort it out later. I have been CRAVING sweets and cakes an unusual amount but I think that actually I am just bone tired and when I have a big rest the cravings will reduce. I made a delicious lemon sponge cake and I found that I only really wanted small pieces of it at a time even though I have been fantasising about huge slices of cake. My DH ate half of it in one sitting and felt very sick - he's like a kid sometimes, honestly! I have to watch him and stop him eating too many sweeties!

Tonight I had potatoes, cabbage and bean burger for my dinner, then some rice cakes and cheese for a snack later (have to have fat or protein to balance my carbs now because of the illness). So I don't eat crazy when I eat exactly what I want, though I might have a midnight snack of cereal now. I think I can trust myself for ONE week.

Exercise (not much!)
Tue 30 Aug resting, no exercise
Wed 1 Sept went to art exhibition with neighbour, wheeled back, 2 points
Thur 2 Sept arms hurt from wheeling! out of practice. no exercise
Fri 3 Sept none (collapsed at art group)

12+2=14

EXERCISE PLAN - do more stretching (counts as one point, good emergency measure when really sick to keep from becoming an exercise vegetable, perhaps a carrot) :dc

Well, I put on some weight in the last week but it wasn't too bad. I'm at 11 stone 4 (158). Anyway, I took off my 'maintaining' signature! as I am now over 1/2 stone overweight!

Still no sign of being well enough to go out. Still liable to collapse.

Exercise log
Sat 3 Sept very ill from collapsing yesterday
Sun 4 did small 3 min exercise walk down the street with my walker and DH, 1 point
Mon 5 yoga warmup, 1 point
Tue 6 resting
Wed 7 watched a yoga video - that's the closest I got to exercise today!
Thur 8 left the house today!!! went for a shiatsu massage to help with my illness. Hadn't been for a year because of the expense. Very intense - fell asleep by 6 pm when I got home.
Fri 9 Ooh! Ache all over from the massage, especially in the legs because I don't walk.
Sat 10 resting
Sun 11 Some exercise! Wow! yoga warmup, 1 point

Not much exercise because I've been so ill. However, I did do occasional meditation. I need to be more regular about my meditation though for it to have a proper effect. It really works but I find it such an effort when I am ill already!

Exercise log

Mon very keen, used my resistance band, 2 points
Tue resting
Wed no exercise
Thur no exercise. Dad visited today and talking to him tired me out. He fixed our tap though, very helpful.

and I lost a lb! Now 11 st 3.

14 exercise points + 3 + 2 = 19 points

A new chapter in my aerobic exercise history has started! I can now cycle lying down on my back on the floor using a little pedal gizmo I got on e-bay because I can't wheelchair any more. Top stuff.

Fri resting - ordered pedal exerciser online
Sat resting - waiting for exerciser (that's my excuse!)
Sun resting
Mon resting -
Tue my pedal exerciser arrives in the post, and an old schoolfriend called round for a visit. HOORAY! 30 min cycling, 2 points:cheer:
Wed 30 min cycling, 2 points
Thur my physio came for the first time today. yoga warmup in evening, 1 point
Fri 23 Sept 30 min cycling, I am SO determined! 2 points

EXERCISE POINTS 19 + 7 = 26

WOOHOOO!:1stprize: Top marks for effort this week!

Hi, we are back from Ireland, whenever we were in Dublin i thought of you. We stayed at the Clarion( i think that was the name) for a couple nights( we were with a tour group) I wondered how close i was to where you lived, you have a beautiful country, but very hard to find low fat/low cal foods while traveling, althoough i did okay i lost 1/2 pds while there, not great but i will take it after 7 days of having to struggle to find things to eat. hope you are feeling better.

Hello judith, thanks for coming by my diary! I'm glad you found Ireland beautiful. I hope the weather was alright for you and you didn't have to wear a jumper too many times.:stpatty: %%-

Yeah, Irish hospitality means 'full Irish breakfast' in all the hotels which basically is everything, fried! Absolutely delicious, but I eat it myself about four times a year. After four times a week you would feel like you never want to see another. I hope you tried potato bread, it's my favourite, and can be eaten toasted for a healthy snack too. I used to take it home in my bag when I lived abroad. Mmmmmm......

I had my physio around for the second time since my last entry, so I am full of enthusiasm for keeping fit and healthy. She gave me a programme of Pilates-based leg exercises which combine minimum movement with maximum effect. Ouch! My legs are still recovering!:blackeye:

Exercise:
Sat 24 Septyoga warmup 1 point
Sun 25 Cycling 30 min 2 points
Mon 26 Cycling gizmo broke! The welding just came apart because it was very badly done. DH is going to take it into work to get it rewelded. how nice of him! Got 30 min done before it broke though. 2 points
Tue 27 no exercise today. Bit annoyed that my cycle is broken.
Wed 28 physio came. Did Pilates leg exercise. Ouch! They are super effective! Then 30 min cycling 3 points
Thur 29 new pilates exercises, but not leg ones (still stiff from yesterday) 1 point

26+9=35 points

Exercise journal:

Friday 30 Sept wheeled a bit with my DH in the pleasant evening weather. First time in many weeks. also meditated today 1 point
Saturday 1 Oct rested all day. DH just found out he got a new job offer on Fri and kept me up until 3 am talking about it so I am wrecked today and quite ill. no exercise points

MEDITATION:flower:
My meditation has been having a really beneficial effect on my illness. After I meditate I am less dizzy and I feel clear headed and energized. I have been doing 10 minutes every couple of days. At first I found it much easier than I thought I would. Now I am suddenly finding it much, much harder. Bringing myself to concentrate is so difficult and I'm not sure why. Perhaps the novelty has just worn off but I am still getting the benefit so why would I be finding it so difficult? However I am persevering.

In the first few weeks, after concentrating on my breath, I would move onto visualisation. :* Now I never get past observing my breath.

I am going to start a meditation diary to see if this helps. I have also been thinking of including mediation in my exercise challenge but I am not sure exactly how yet. I have been asking other people who mediate for advice too.

I might start a separate meditation thread - or not.

I went out today! Straight from my door to the taxi to my best friend's door. I played with her 4 year old son. He TRASHED me at draughts - twice! He is some kind of prodigy! I know I'm not very good but he is amazing, he could see it moves ahead. Then she gave me dinner. Amazing. It is the first time I have been 'out' for months I think. When I came home I felt like I had been nailed to the floor for a few hours, honestly, like Gulliver when the Lilliputians nail him with their tiny nails by the clothes, I was so tired. Especially my hip muscles because I haven't sat in a chair for so long because it is so difficult for me.

Exercise:

Sun 2 Oct physio leg exercises, ouch still! 2 points
Mon 3 1/2 hour lying cycle, 2 points
Tue 4 rest day

(Still not sure how to include meditation)

Exercise points 40

I have FINALLY arranged hire of a wheelchair with a headrest so I will be no longer housebound, and will be able to do stuff like go to my doctor, dentist, specialist, and hairdresser again. But it will be very expensive. I have been waiting for my NHS wheelchair since around Easter now and the word is that it won't be here this year. It's a joke.

:)
Wed 5 rest day, very sick today. PMT.
Thur 6 PMT over at last. 1 hour yoga! Got a new rental DVD, 'Learn Yoga'. It's Australian and I really like it. 2 points

Info on one of the teachers:
http://www.yogarts.com.au/index.php?page=2&subpage=7

Now 42 exercise points

Hi Penguin!
You're doing so well. You sound much more upbeat and happy than you've been for a while. I'm so glad. Keep on fighting girl!
Hugs
Mugs

your doing great ! :D

Beth :dn

Thanks, Beth! Great picture of you, looking good, B-) but I think Mugwumps picture just pips you at the post, heh heh, it's FANTASTIC!

I have discovered buying things on e-bay.:o This is a TERRIBLE thing for a housebound person to do - there is just no stopping. It's like an addiction. The thing is that each item is really cheap, just a pound or two, but once you add in P&P and put them all together they can really add up. Oh boy! So far I have bought (name and shame time)

- a gameboy game (for my stay at my parents in 2 weeks while DH is off in New York running the marathon)
- a Georgette Heyer book (ditto)
- some Science Fiction books from my favourite author, Jack Vance (ditto)
- a yoga video (power yoga - am I REALLY going to do it?)
- David Attenborough's Life of Birds on VHS (this really is quality viewing though)

It's so hard to stop!

GOOD NEWS: Got my hire wheelchair with headrest! I discovered that my 'rest cycle' is 5 days at the moment, ie I can go out for a couple of hours about every 5 days, then I have to rest at home until the next foray. I'm working on getting that down in the next few months, so I can go out more than once a week, and do more stuff.

Anyway, here is my exercise log:

Fri 7 Wheeled to the postbox, hooray, new chair joy!:) 1 point
Sat 8 Went to Sainsburys with DH, 1 point
Sun 9 Resting, arrgh! Overdid it!
Mon 10 1/2 hour lying down cycling, 2 points
Tue 11 modified sun salutation, 1 point
Wed 12 pilates from Body Control book (except leg exercises), 2 points
Thur 13 yoga, warmup, sun salutation and bliss, 2 points
Fri 14 rest day
Sat 15 wheeled to the top of the road with DH, lovely day, 2 points
Sun 16 resting again

points 42+11=53
Well on the way to my next CD!

I have decided to keep a separate meditation diary on paper. I have been writing down each time I meditate, and also useful quotes on meditation I come across.

This is what I was thinking of today.

"Meditation does not come easily. A beautiful tree grows slowly. One must wait for the blossom, the ripening of the fruit and the ultimate taste. The blossom of meditation is an inexpressible peace that permeates the entire being."

I don't find it easy. That part's right anyway!

Since my last post, we went to Belfast Zoo to celebrate my husband's birthday. OMG that is SO HILLY! And it was wet, so going downhill in the chair was full skid sometimes even with the brakes on. I think we'll save it for a sunny day next time. But pushing myself (pun intended) out of my comfort zone instead of being home all day every day has given me a real boost. :)

Exercise....
Mon 17 Oct (choir night) 1/2 hour lying down cycling 2 points
Tue 18 pilates from book, physio leg exercises 2 points
Wed 19 resting (husband at home on holiday)
Thur 20 resting
Fri 21 Zoo day! Up and down hills in my chair. I deserve 3 points
Sat 22 resting (not surprised)
Sun 23 Pilates video, then some leg resistance, 2 points

So far 53 + 9 + 62 exercise points

Hey Penguin, glad you enjoyed the break from routine, even though it was a bit slippery. (Please give your husband my belated birthday regards, btw.) You are doing so well with the meditation, eating, exercising... awesome! :cheer:

Having a bad time since Monday. Bad attacks. No exercise, no anything. Just lying on the floor and crying and phoning the Samaritans and eating lots of comfort food. Reporting back when I feel better.

Wow. It's been a long time since I journalled. I was feeling pretty rotten then.
It's now the middle of November!

I'll have to miss out a lot of days because I can't remember them. I stayed at my parent's house for a week while my DH ran the New York marathon. I've been back over a week now.

NOVEMBER
at parent's house - did pilates physio twice - 4 points
Wed 9 back from parent's house, resting
Thur 10 resting from travel
Fri 11 nothing
Sat 12 pilates physio - 2 points
Sun 13 1/2 hour on lying down cycle - 2 points
Mon 14 resting for the choir in the evening , 1 point

I'll have to be more up to date in the future. I guess I was nervous about going to my folk's house which made my illness worse, and so didn't log in before I left, and I had no access while I was away.

Exercise points: 62+9=71 Hooray! Back on the road to exercise.:)

GOOD NEWS
I have a lot of exercise to put in since my last entry! It's been going really well. I'm back down to 154 lb, which is good, since it's about to hit Christmas and chocolates galore. But my physio must really be working, because my jeans keep getting looser on me, especially around my waist and hips.

Exercise log
cycle x 3 = 6 points
yoga x 1 = 2 points
physio x 1 = 2 points
plus
Tue 20 Dec wheeled around hospital, 2 points
Mon 19 Dec cycled 1/2 hour, then used resistance band, 3 points
Sun 18 Dec visited best friend's new house, crawled up stairs, 1 point
Sat 17 Dec nothing (resting)

Total points this period = 16
GRAND TOTAL 71 + 16 = 87:)

When I reach my total this time I am going to buy myself a DVD - probably Revenge of the Sith - using my points (ie for free). At 6 points a week this will take only 2 more weeks! So I have to keep logging on my exercise!

Wishing you a blessed Christmas & a wonderful New Year ahead for 2006 :tree:

Thanks Beth!:tree: :snow: HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

I had a huge Christmas blowout as I expected.... whipped cream, mince pies, stuffing, roast potatoes, chocolates yum,, yum! But I also had lots of healthy salmon and fruit salad (not at the same time). My stomach is round like a little warm round hill of happiness.

TIME FOR EXERCISE!!!!! :lift:


Wed 21 Dec nothing
Thur 22 Dec 1/2 hour lying down cycling and some resistance band work, 2 points
Fri 23 Decnothing
Sat 24 Dec went to friend's house for party, sitting up (difficult), no exercise
Sun 25 Dec CHRISTMAS
Mon 26 Dec yoga, warmup then moon salutation, 2 points
Tue 27 Dec 1/2 hour lying down cycling on machine, then resistance band, 2 points
Wed 29 Dec DH took me sales shopping for clothes. Wheeled around shopping centre, 2 points

I've been quite good post Christmas. Look at me go! Luckily I don't want to see a choc at the moment, even though there are boxes of the things around me. Chocolate overdose bleugh.

I was going to get 'Revenge of the Sith' for my next exercise reward but my DH got it for me for Christmas - the sweetie. So I'll have to think of something else quick.

EXERCISE POINTS 87 + 8 = 95 ONLY 5 POINTS TO GO TO NEXT TREAT!

Hey Penguin,

I'm pretty new here but I just wanted to chime in and say hi. It looks like you are doing great! I hope you can keep it going. I hope you feel better too. It's so hard to stay positive when you don't feel like it. Congrats on all the successes you've had. I'm using the resistance bands too.

Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!! ~o)

Hey thanks for your kind comments, stpaulee!:ghug:
I agree, resistance bands are great.
:lift:
- use them for arms and legs
- add oomph to Pilates moves
- easy to store and take out quickly because they're so small
- easy to use every day for a short burst of resistance work after aerobic work
- vary the intensity by changing the length of the band

Exercise:

Thurs cleaned bath for the first time in months - 1 point
Fri 30 Resting (ill today)

96 exercise points

Hey Penguin, sounds like you had a terrific Xmas! And a YUMMY one, too! :)

I'm glad you're enjoying the resistance bands. I hate mine and never use them, so maybe I'll get some inspiration/motivation from you.

Have a terrific New Year!

Hey - from Pengwyn to Penguin. Have a happy, healthy & proserous 2006. I might be coming to Ireland this spring. I have family in Belfast.

Cheers!

Happy New Year ! :party:

WOW! So many visitors! HAPPY NEW YEAR! :cheers: to anne, Beth and Pengwyn

Pengwyn, are you coming to Belfast? Hope so! It's a great place to visit. We've got......um..... rain and.....um..... sheep..... Only joking, we've got Guinness too! :D


I put on 1/2 stone over Christmas, :snow:I mean in ONE WEEK. It'll probably take me a month to get it off. Was it worth it? We'll see when I see how much effort it takes to get the weight off. Darn those tasty mince pies and cream!

Weight now: 11 stone 7! Oh dear!

Exercise log
Sat 31 Dec visiting friend's house overnight, crawling up and down stairs, 1 point
Sun 1 Jan as Sat, 1 point
Mon 2 Jan going to cinema with DH, wheeling around, 1 point

Exercise points 96+3=99

Woohoo! when I do exercise tonight I will have made 100 points!!!!!!

I have decided to:
- get 2 classical CDs for this 100 points of exercise (Bach and Vivaldi)
- and my next goal will be:

THE BLACK BOOKS EXERCISE CHALLENGE
For this exercise challenge my treat is the complete DVD set of Black Books. I will buy it but not allow myself to watch it until:
- I have 100 exercise points or
- I am at goal weight again

BRING IT ON!:lift:

EXERCISE GOAL ACHEIVED!

100 POINTS REACHED LAST NIGHT with lying down cycling and resistance band work! Woohoo!

For my treat I have picked
- CD of Monteverdi Madrigals (Naxos Early Music) which I am listening to as I type :*
- Nigel Kennedy's Four Seasons by Vivalidi (the newer jazzier Berlin Philharmonic version)

NEW YEAR, NEW GOAL

THE BLACK BOOKS CHALLENGE STARTS TODAY!

Excellent! The weather is good today so I might try some wheelchair work out on the streets later. All the way up to the main road is worth 2 points and I haven't done it for months.

BAH! ... well, exercise is going well, BUT, the site I get my free CDs/DVDs from (I click on advertising for points) has run out of Black Books DVDs! So much for my Black Books challenge. Darn. So I'll have to choose another treat. I mean, I have lots of time until my goal is reached, but it leaves me feeling rather goal-less and drifting. Not what I want to give me enthusiasm for my challenge.

EXERCISE LOG
Wed 4 Jan Wheeled up the hill (in my new wheelchair, the headrest kept falling off, a total disaster:( ) 1 point, 1/2 hour lying down cycling (advanced version, now 'swimming' with arms as I do this for extra aerobic effect) 2 points

EXERCISE POINTS TOTAL 3 POINTS

Exercise Log:

Thurs 5 ill today, no exercise
Fri 6 ill again. I hate being so sick I can't do anything. No exercise.
Sat 7 Went to the shopping centre with JP, got lots of exercise wheeling about 1 point

Not much exercise because I was sick for most of the time and had to lie on the floor for a couple of days because I was so dizzy. Horrible. I think it is because my body is reacting to the reduced, lower fat food and the increased exercise, and I'm not too well at the best of times. But it has to be done for my long term health.

On Saturday my husband trapped my knuckle of my left hand in my wheelchair. He was trying to unfold the chair and my hand was resting on it. I was screaming but for a few seconds he kept trying to smash the chair open through my trapped finger as his brain froze. Wham! Wham! Wham! It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Now my middle finger on my left hand is a funny bluish colour and swollen and stiff. :blackeye:

Ha ha! He doesn't know it yet, but I've just realised that I can't do any housework for a few days until it heals!:laugh: He's gone off for a run and asked me to do some stuff but I can't really because my finger is too swollen. I tried to wash my face last night and it was VERY painful.

I'm listening to my Vivaldi CD that is my treat from my last exercise goal. It arrived yesterday. Lovely.:flower:

I have been SO enjoying my Vivaldi CD. What a fantastic treat it is. I keep listening to it over and over again. The sleeve notes by Nigel Kennedy are great too. When I hear the 'normal' versions of the Four Seasons now they seem plodding and tame compared to his quicksilver interpretation, even though I hated it the first time I heard it - and I still find it a bit scratchy and mannered in places. But so enjoyable!

Hooray for me and my exercise achievement!

Exercise: Sun 8 Jan No exercise (ill)
Points total 4

I was very dizzy on Sunday night. I kept feeling like I was about to pass out and I couldn't move at all. My tinnitus was really loud and I was nauseous. Luckily I fell asleep and didn't have to endure it for too long.

It was probably because I spent Sunday trying to tidy up the living room to make space for our new sofa which we bought on Saturday. Yes, no longer will I have to lie on the floor because our current sofa has no head support! The new sofa has head support and it reclines (cos I have trouble sitting for long), so I can now sit on a chair like a normal person again! :cheer: Woohooo! And it was super cheap in the sales. Unfortunately it is a really ugly puffy black leather combo but you can't have everything. It's arriving on Friday 13 Jan, so we have to clear up a bit, and get the council to take away our old sofa (bought from a charity shop).

DH is really excited because for the last year he's been watching TV from a wooden kitchen chair. Now he will have a comfortable recliner he's in heaven. I think I'm going to have to get a shoehorn to prise him from it for the next month. :laugh:

Weight now 158 - good news, 3 lb lost in the week since Christmas. A great start. Only 8 more to go!

If I lose 1 lb a week I might be at target by 6 March 2006.
If I earn 7 exercise points a week, by then I will have 60 exercise points.
Let's see!

Exercise

Tue 10 Jan Pilates (from DVD) 2 points

Exercise points now 6 :mus:

It was a while since I did my Pilates DVD. I was huffing and puffing a bit more than usual. I can really feel the difference! I had been doing the side exercises though - and they were easy. It just goes to show - regular exercise DOES make a huge difference to my overall fitness levels, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. Got to keep going!

You are doing :super: !!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Beth!! so nice of you! :hug:

More Exercise::ex:

Wed 11 resting after Pilates. Ooh my ribs ache!
Thur 12 really ill today, really really ill. Lying down with my gums buzzing all day and felt like I was going to pass out for hours at a time. Don't know why, but it was horrible and scary. :tongue:
Fri 13 new furniture arrived - at last I can sit up in my own sofa because these have headrests. Assembled furniture and if that doesn't count as weightlifting I don't know what does - 1 point, plus 1/2 hour lying down cycling 2 points - total 3 points
Sat 14 My birthday! :bd Went for lunch with my parents and DH, then clothes shopping with DH (rest in between), wheeling 2 points

Total 5 points, new exercise total 11 points.

I am typing this on the new sofa, as it RECLINES! It is SO COMFY. No more lying on the floor like a piece of dirt for me.

BLISS! :x is a new reclinable sofa. I can now state that categorically. All the day to day activities that I used to do have achieved a state of bliss when done on a reclinable sofa, eg having a cup of tea while watching a DVD or reading a book. I want to watch my whole collection of films all over again, from my new, improved, angle and comfort level. It's like I'm seeing them from a whole different perspective. I have to be careful not to vegetate.

Anyway....

Exercise

Sunday 15 Jan wheeled around cinema with best friend, yes I went out TWO DAYS IN A ROW! I am getting so much stamina! 1 point
Mon 16 Yoga warmup, 1 point
Tue 17 boiler maintenance man came really early today and I spent the rest of the day recovering, no points. (fair enough)
I hope to do some more yoga tomorrow.

Exercise points so far 11 + 2 = 13

Still at 11 stone 4lb but my clothes seem a lot looser.... I've been having a few major attacks recently which have really mucked up my sleeping pattern. I'm typing this at 7 am, having been awake since 3 am! I just sleep when I'm able.

Exercise

Wed 18 resting, then 30 min lying down cycling, 2 points
Thur 19 ill again
Fri 20 resting
Sat 21 wheeled with husband at the supermarket, really hard work! 2 points
Sun 22 ill all day, resting

Not much exercise during this period. I could have done more. I have been a bit distracted because of my bad attacks and the fact that I have discovered writing articles on Wikipedia, which is VERY addictive (but cheaper than buying things on ebay).

PLAN OF ACTION

Try to do a little exercise every day, even on bad days. Exercise for bad days:

1. Yoga warmup (take it easy)
2. um...... can't think of anything else really, have to work on this8-| I can't do the stretches I used to do.

Exercise total 13+4 = 17

I'm TRYING! But my illness is throwing a big spanner in all my attempts at the moment. Last night I did 30 min of lying down cycling, which became inreasingly more difficult towards the end, when I started to shout out without realising it, as I do when I have a bad attack coming on. :( I hate it. It makes me feel so embarassed when I do it in public as well as meaning that I'm going to be ill and feel like rubbish very soon.

Then I couldn't sleep all night because I was so ill. It was horrible. :c( I couldn't read or watch TV because my vision was mucked up. I finally slept (badly) at 5.30 am. So was it the right thing to even try to do exercise in the first place? I'll never know. That's the thing with a long-term illness, it's a fine line between pushing myself each day so that I don't become a vegetable and taking it easy so that I don't make myself sicker than I need to be. Really really difficult. It's all a learning experience. But my illness is changing all the time, especially with the different medication, so it's hard to know when to push myself and when to take it easy.

Anyway, exercise:
Monday 23 Jan 30 min lying down cycling 2 points
total exercise: 19 points

I'm still at 158 because I couldn't exercise for most of this week because I was just too ill. I finally was able to do some yoga today and WHAT A RELIEF. I was feeling so lardy and bloated.

Exercise
Tue 24 Jan nothing, too ill
Wed 25 ill
Thur 26 ill
Fri 27 ill
Sat 28 ill
Sun 29 FINALLY Yoga, warmup, sun and moon salutation, 3 points

Total exercise points now 22

My sleeping pattern is totally mucked up from having such major attacks, which is again affecting my digestion and my ability to lose weight. Plus I can't cook for myself because of my disability so I'm dependent on others for my meals and I have to eat snack food inbetween which is often not very healthy and boring too. It's so much harder to lose weight now I'm more ill/disabled than before.

SNACK FOOD THAT IS HEALTHY but doesn't set off my attacks
(ie has to have some fat or protein in it)

* Tinned fish and bread (no butter!)
* Tinned soup with beans
* Nuts (I've been slack on my nuts each day recently) and a piece of fruit
* Fruit with natural yoghurt
* Toasted potato bread and reduced sugar baked beans
* Muesli with sliced banana and skimmed milk

Boy this is a boring list. This is basically what I live on. Not much variation! Got to get some new dishes into my life that are instant to prepare and healthy.

Also I should drink more water. :water: I've started drinking lots more teas but my water has gone way down.

TO DO:
1. Drink 2 pints of water a day
2. Find one new snack dish this week (look online at the supermarket site).

I have been 'crawling ill' most of the time, ie unable to get to the toilet unless I crawl, and having to spend long, long hours not able to see well enough to watch TV or read books to pass the time while I have bad attacks. I know it's because my Incapacity Benefit appeal is coming up on Tue 7 Feb. I have had nightmares every night since I got the letter, so the bad sleep is not helping either.

But I'm still trying...

Exercise

Mon 30 Jan rest
Tue 1 Feb yoga warmup, 1 point

Exercise total 23 points

I have been doing quite well drinking more water. :water: My attempt to find a new dish:
**Poached eggs on toast, perhaps with microwaved tomatoes for veg? ~o)
I have an egg poacher somewhere. I have to look for it and give this a try.

Dear journal......

I phoned the Samaritans 3 times this week so far to have a good cry about how bad I feel. Half of it is because I feel so rotten with my increased attacks and half of it is depression. I am scared that after the benefits appeal next Tuesday I will come out with a label of either "FAKER" or "ILL, USELESS PERSON" :c( and neither are very useful or nice. I am scared to do anything at all. I just lie around all day in a ball. I have just had a good cry so I feel a bit better now.

I would rather have these labels:
"ILL BUT FINDS WAYS AROUND IT, GIVE HER CREDIT!"
"DISABLED BUT ENTERPRISING"
"TRYING VERY HARD UNDER DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES"
"JUST HERSELF" :peace:

With the way that the government system labels me, I feel unable to do the slightest thing for fear that I will be punished for making the best of my bad situation. For example, when I did physio exercises on my legs, then they said that my muscles were too developed, so I couldn't really be disabled, so they took my benefit away! I was punished for trying to do my best. It makes me scared to do anything at all.

Another thing was that I was very unhappy with the way that the medical was carried out, but I was understandably too scared to say anything at the time (beyond one tentative question at which I was shouted down by the doctor) for fear that it would interfere with the decision. So I said thank you nicely and smiled at the doctor at the end of the medical. Then because of that they wrote in the notes that I had been treated courteously and that I was happy with my treatment! Ha! 8-|

For the last few weeks I have not gone out at all. I have cancelled everything and stayed inside. I am too scared and ill and likely to collapse. I hate what the government system is doing to me, but what choice have I? :c( I know I should "be stronger" but I struggle every day just to sit up/wash myself/eat. (I am lying down now as I type this with my head supported.) I really don't have any energy left over to fight the government and their prejudices.

:beam: I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday.

I had just had a big cry and was listening to the White Stripes song 'Little Acorns' which starts with a tale about how how a depressed woman was watching a squirrel carry its acorns one at a time and she was inspired to not be overwhelmed by her troubles and only deal with them one at a time. It really made sense to me. I CAN deal with this appeal. It's not so important that it drives me to suicidal thoughts like last time. After all, I have the love of my husband. What does it matter if strangers think I am a faker or liar if my husband and I love and care for each other? It really helped me to get a sense of perspective.

I started to keep my 'blessings' book again. Every day I write down 5 things I am glad of, and they have to be different from anything I have written before. I recovered my notebook with a nice picture of clouds, to symbolise my fresh start. :spring:

I feel better but I still don't know how I'm going to get through it all. I wish I still had access to my counsellor.

When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us where do we find the will and the courage to continue? Well, the answer may come in the caring voice of a friend, a chance encounter with a book or from a personal faith.
For Janet, help came from her faith but it also came from a squirrel.
Shortly after her divorce Janet lost her father then she lost her job. She had mounting money problems. But Janet not only survived, she worked her way out of dispondency and now she says that life is good again. How could this happen?

She told me that late one autumn day when she was at her lowest she watched a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter. One at a time, he'd take them to the nest. And she thought if that squirrel can take care of himself with the harsh winter coming on, so can I. Once I broke my problems into small pieces, I was able to carry them like those acorns one at a time.

take all your problems
and rip 'em apart

carry them off
in a shopping cart

and another thing
you should've known from the start
the problems in hand
are lighter than at heart

be like the squirrel, girl
be like the squirrel
give it a whirl, girl
be like the squirrel

and another thing
you have to know in this world
cut up your hair
straighten your curls

well, your problems
hide in your curls

I just had my appeal today (which finally went my way - shock horror) and I feel wiped out and relieved and incredulous and anticlimactic.

I had not been eating properly for the last couple of days and I got on the scales. I now weigh 152. Blimey pyjamas. I've lost 6 lb in three or four days from the stress. I still can hardly eat actually, only really small meals once or twice a day. This is NOT like me at all! I usually eat a healthy 5 small meals a day! I even stopped being able to drink tea, it was too much for me. I just shut down because I was afraid of the pain. This is a BAD WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT. I'll probably put most of it back on soon, knowing my body, when my appetite resumes (no sign of it yet though). I'll be ravenous then!

All I did was retreat into a fantasy world for days, reading Harry Potter compulsively, and when I couldn't any more, just lying there and making more stories up about the characters in my head or crying. I just wanted to use the fantasy as a kind of drug to escape the reality of the situation which was just too much for me to cope with. I knew what I was doing and I threw myself into it. My DH has seen me do it before so he just left me alone. He knew it was the only way I could get through it. I've done it before when I've had days of really bad attacks - eventually the torment of my illness is so awful that I just retreat into a fantasy world to block it out. It's called 'distraction' and is a pain relief technique. It can get addictive though. Now the appeal is over, I have to wean myself off it.

I'm going to try to do my meditation again, something I've been a little lax with. I got a great new book from the library, "Full Living Catastrophe, how to cope with stress, pain and illness using mindfulness meditation". I should get into writing more Wikipedia stuff too - it was really educational and fun. And doing art - my illness just about lets me sketch for 5-10 minutes before the dizziness becomes overwhelming, but I can do a snazzy self portrait in that time.

At the moment, I just need to think about resting lots, being easy on myself, and convincing myself to eat again.

I just had to stop by and tell you how very much your post means to me ! Thank You :hug:

Well, I've had a bit of a rest from DT, from exercising and everything really.

Thanks Beth - I'm so glad I could give you support after all the help you've given me. Kind words at the right time are worth their weight in gold. :*


I have still been not eating properly, but more than before, and I'm now down to 150, which is my goal weight! So woohoo! But I didn't really make it the healthy way, which is through healthy food and exercising, but through stress, which is a bit of a bummer. But as long as I can maintain now in a healthy way, I'm counting it as a victory.

Actually, I visited my brother and sister-in-law for the first time in months (as it is difficult to get someone to take me and they live 26 miles away). Boy they've put on weight since they got married this year! MY DH and I both noticed it. I suppose they've been doing the happily married couple thing of staying home, watching TV and eating. And my mum and dad came to visit me, and my mum is getting fatter too. So I should be REALLY PROUD of my continued achievement in controlling my weight. I mean, most people have trouble with it, and they aren't even disabled! I should really give myself credit. :1stprize:

So, GOAL WEIGHT TREAT:

I already bought a DVD of the whole first series of the Muppet Show . Yeeaaaah! (waves green froggy hands like Kermit in excitement!). I won the voucher in an online crossword competition. But there is a postal strike here in Belfast now in its THIRD! week so who knows when I'll actually get to watch it. Huh.

And I have fantastic news. I just got awarded a disabled arts grant! It will allow me to pay for a home painting tutor plus materials for a whole year. (Because I find it too hard to get to classes because of my disability). I'm just waiting now because we have to sign the contracts and stuff. Darn this postal strike.

Exercise - hah what exercise?

actually, I furniture walked/crawled around my parents new house at the weekend - 1 point
Not planning on doing any more exercise any time soon. I just need REST.

Exercise points - 24

Exercise journal - wow did some!:dance:

Fri 17 Feb 30 min lying down cycling to a movie, 2 points

Now 26 exercise points

Still not doing much exercise. Still losing weight and finding it hard to eat. My husband is encouraging me to eat. Now weighing 149, perhaps less.

Monday 27 Feb 15 min lying down cycling 1 point

Now 27 exercise points

Did some exercise last night

Thursday 2 March 1/2 hour lying down cycling plus yoga to stretch, 2 points

Now 29 exercise points

Still losing weight. Now 146lb. This is bad. I have lost about a stone during the stress of this appeal. The cold ball of fear in my stomach is gradually getting smaller now. I think that was a kind of depression. Hopefully when the cold terrified feeling goes, my appetite will return.

On Tuesday I had a meeting with other disabled artists who had also won art awards. It was fantastic to meet them. It really lifted my spirits. I have had to pay for it for the last three days now because my illness is worse. I just have to lie here and wait until I am able to do stuff again. I hope this afternoon I will be able to sit up to paint for 1/2 hour, or maybe do some drawing.

I haven't gone out at all since my last journal entry...that's 5 days. But I have managed to do some yoga. It was blissful. I think my weight is about the same.

I feel better when I rest and sleep a lot. More human. Most of the time I don't want human contact, which is a bit worrying. I think it will take a long time for me to recover.


7 March yoga warmup 1 point

Total exercise points now 30

Exercise:

Sat 11 March Went out with DH to the supermarket, 1 point
Tue 14 March Yoga warmup, interupted by DH unfortunately, 1 point

Total now 32 points
better than nothing and weight seems to be stabilising now.

More exercise

Yoga warmup x 3 = 3 points
1/2 hours lying down cycling = 2 points
total 5 points

4 April 37 points