Mikey, hope your new journal, and your posting of your emotions helps put it all in perspective. I think as you lose weight you will feel less concerned with failing, and much more confident. I think you should just go die hard, and make yourself do it perfectly for a month. If you can manage that then it will give you all the motivation you need to suceed. Well at least that happened for me. And een if I werent self confident because of my new sexy body, the fact that I have accomplished it, gives me so much more respect and confidence in myself as a person. I know you can do it, you need to do it for your family.

Elsie - Thanks for the words of confidence. They mean alot to me!! :hug:

Sorry I didn't see if earlier, but for some reason, it moved your post to the first post of my journal?? Goffy thing.

Okay, so what happened to my journal?? :c( Why are all the new post going to the top of the first page??? Help John!!!!

Well, here I am. I have completely dumped my healthy habits this last month. And to be honest, really don't want to go back to them. I would just as soon continue in my comfort zone as to change. But I know I need to change. I'm headed for early death if I don't and I know I'm not being the mom I should be to my son as I am so tired by the time I get done w/ my 2 jobs that I just come home and colaspe on the couch and head to bed as early as possible. Thankfully someone has started this boot camp challange and I have signed up for that. So now I either have to make my changes or go on there and admit that I am failing :o , not that I am at this point. Only 9am on the 1st and only been out of bed for an hour...hehe I really need to examine my issues w/ my weight and w/ loosing weight. Of course I have done that before but never really now what to do about it.

I know I am scared to death of losing the weight. I'm truly scared of losing and also scared of failing, AGAIN, but while part of me is more comfortable being fat, there is a part of me that is scared of being dead by the time I'm 40 if I don't do something. I know it seems strange to be scared of losing weight and I don't really know why I am scared of that.

I do know that while I tell myself I can do this, deep down I don't believe in myself. My self confidence is absolutly zero!! And I really need to build it up and that would help my weight loss efforts alot...but don't know how to do that. Maybe it will come as I lose weight??

Well, son is calling, so off to take care of him and then off to clean for my 2nd job. Will ponder some of these thoughts today and hopefully have some ideas when I come back.

One of my goals for this year is to post more of my feelings in my journal as opposed to just my daily activities and life stuff. Well, I really want to post both of them actually.

Time to go face the world!!

Mikey,
Happy New Year! Journaling feelings is a great idea! I do this and it really does help...I never really ever go back and reread...it just really helps me to get through the moment.
Have a good day! :)

Thanks Jess!

Breakfast did really good. Cheerio's w/ skim milk and a banana and a piece of toast w/ butter...pleased w/ that.

Lunch not so good. Not bad, but not the healthiest either. Pizza hut salad and 2 breadsticks w/ cheese.

No exercise today but did do some cleaning for my 2nd job and am planning on some cleaning at home today. Plan on exercise sunday or monday, am wiped out from being up so late last night :o

RRRRR still gripes me that the post got messed up..but oh well nothing I can do about it. Dont' have time to write at the moment headed to workout, but wanted to post my weigh in b4 I forget it 281.6. so up 1.6 from before thanksgiving. Not to bad for over a month of being a pig and lazy too...hopefully next week will be down. back later for a true post.

Hi Mikey,

Thanks for dropping in my journal. :) It feels great to be back and on top of things. Good luck with the boot camp challenge, sounds like alot of folks are into that one. Enjoy your workout, if that is really possible. :D Look forward to getting back online and in touch with everyone again. Take care. Sandi

I finally made it back to post here. Still have the same old problem of I get to dt and then start posting in the aa thread and others and then run out of time before I get to my journal. Really need to make that a priority, but it is so much more fun to post in other places and movitate and talk to other people.

Did 20 minutes of toning yesterday, top of my thighs are killing me today thanks to squats and denise austin lol. Did 20 minute of aerobic on my bike this am. Gotta fit in another 10 this evening. In the middle of an ice storm so wont' be going to my second job to clean, so will have the time to get in the 10 minutes and cook dinner (faints at the thought of being home long enough to cook). Doing okay w/ food..had a good breakfast w/ a banana and yogurt and 2 graham crackers. Lunch was chips and dip. Not healthy I know but I've been in this kick where that is all that sounds good. Everything else just makes me want to throw up. Maybe I'm a freak and this doesn't happen to anyone else, but my body does that once in a while. Usually after 2 or 3 days then I'm over it. Will try to eat some dinner tonight, trying a new recipe.

Noel, one of my best friends, is getting married. Just really need to get over my feelings about this. Part of me is so happy for her, I don't know the guy but he seems like a perfect match for her. They've been dating since September and even though we only live 30 minutes apart I haven't spent time w/ them. Partly because my new 2nd job leaves me so few open evenings I haven't wanted to drive up there and partly because I didn't want to go spend time w/ a couple that was new and still in the lovely stage. Shelfish, yes, guess I am. I am also worried about her because she and her ex haven't been split up but 6 to 9 months, she's only been living on her own since august! Honestly part of me is also jealouse (yea, I'm a selfish freak that can't spell~), I mean this is the third guy she will be have been serious w/ since I broke up w/ my son's father 10 years ago and I have only had about 2 dates in that time!! And yep you guessed it, she's skinnny as a bean pole and I'm as fat as,,,,well...you got the general gist of where I'm going. And I am happy for her but depresses me too. I've been alone so long and would really like to have someone to lean on during the rough times, and to give my extra love to... okay enough crying about that. It's not gonna change anything and my social life isn't likely to change anytime soon.

Plans for dinner are new chicken and noodle recipe out of my quick cooking magazine. Not sure how low in fat it is, but it is a new recipie which is something I always struggle w/ so it's good that I am trying it. Will ride my exercise bike 10 more minutes this evening. No evening snacking, will play monopoly w/ my son and then do cross stitch and/or post at dt.

Tomorrow will do toning and bike, breakfast will be banana and yogurt and graham cracker, lunch leftovers? and dinner leftovers? or will cook depending on the weather and what has been cancelled and how long we are home for, usually on wednesday nights we are home for about 20 minutes from 5 to 5:30 and then not home again until about 9pm...long night.

Now that I've got my notes made for the tonight and tomorrow time to get back to work.

Sounds like you have a plan there gal. WTG! The journaling really helps alot. Exercise looks great, keep it up and you are surely gonna succeed in boot camp. Stay warm and safe during the ice storm. Enjoy your dinner it sounds great and the game of Monopoly with your son, they grow up so fast. You had asked about my grandson.........He is doing great, the kids are getting married the 5th of Feb. I would rather see them wait till graduation, but they don't want to be apart so......I will just smile and wish them the best life has to offer. They were given a small 2 bedroom trailer and some land from a family member on her side, so they will be off to a good start. Thank you for asking about them. Well, gotta run. TTYL. Sandi

Okay, back to note how I finished the day (and am wanting to eat, out of habit as I'm not hungry so am typing instead).

Did the 10 minutes on the bike, so made my 30 minutes today. Tomorrow is a day of aerobic, 30 minutes, and toning!! So no time to lay in bed in the am. lol

I did have one sweet today, but am allowed that. Still I had a larger piece than I needed, but I didn't go back for 2nds :cheer:

And an even bigger :cheers: I not only cooked dinner, but put a salad w/ it too!! Yippeeee!!! Dinner was good too. A nacho pie..could have made it a little healthier w/ ff or lf items, but some of them my store didn't have when I went yesterday and in an ice storm I'm not driving 30 minutes just to get lf or ff! Especially when it is for a new recipe that I don't even know if we will like or not. But we'll be cooking that one again.

Made myself come here before visiting any other threads, so off to do that. Avoiding eating and it's working. Then bed and my self magazine. What an awesome mag. I love it and am so glad that I gave myself that gift last year!

Good Morning,

Hope your weather has improved some, seems that freezing rain is heading our way. Just wanted to drop in and say hello. You are really commited to your boot camp challenge wtg girl keep it up. Have you gotten your car back? Well need to get going, just wanted stop by for a quick visit. Sandi

Managed to get in 30 minutes, 2 miles, watp tape this am. Didn't get my toning done though. have to start getting my butt out of bed earlier to fit both of those in and toning is so important to me. I truly think it not only helps w/ the weight loss, but it also make you feel and look better as you go and at the end (not like I've ever made it to the end, but I'll keep dreaming!)

Have also done good on eating. :cheers: On a roll.

Ice storm stopped sometime early this morning and now it is just snowing, will be interesting to drive w/ the snow turns to slippery slush but the ice underneath hasn't melted yet!!

Blue ~ thanks for the visit. Don't have my car back as I haven't taken it in yet. They are going to need it for several days so I wanted to keep it for the storm and my son has wrestling tournament this weekend about 30 minutes away, so I drop it off Monday am.

My boss, who you have heard my whine and witch and complain about, has offered to let me use her extra vehicle while mine is in the shop!! :o So sweet of her!! We are actually getting along much better. She is even training me to do some of her job!! Yea!! So although she doesn't mention reteriment she must be thinking about it. Have never been somewhere where in 6 years I wasn't promoted, but here there is nowhere else to go but her job. All in due time....as we are getting along much better I'm not in such a hurry for her to retire..lol

Off to post in other spots...

Get out of bed earlier already :) I know its hard to do, I was gettimng up at 4:45 to put in an hour and a half or so at the gym every morning, and it could be a pain. But I love my new biceps --like they are a pair of shoes or something, lol--. Keep up the great work.

Thanks for the motivation Elsie!!

Dont' have time this am but wanted to post that I came home and did 30 minutes of toning last night and did 45 minutes of watp, 3 miles this am!!

Back for more later!!

Now I'm back but just wrote a really really long post in the aa thread so really don't feel like typing right now as I have to head back to work in a minute...so more later! Doing good on eating. Started chilli in the crockpot for dinner. Ymmmm!!

Hi, :wave:

I am sorry it took me so long to post in your Journal ... from your previous posts YOU ARE DOING EXCEEDINGLY WELL .... :cheer:

Each day is a new beginning ... and YOU DO HAVE THE POWER AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE IT THE BEST DAY EVER ... KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

I am eager to read about your ongoing success. Make it a great day. I am as always, Monica

Well were to start...feels like it has been so long since I've posted here. Once again too busy everywhere else.

Monica~ Thanks for stopping by! And thanks for not giving up on me even when I was giving up on myself!! :hug:

I did 30 minutes watp, 2 mile, and 20 minutes of toning this am. So that is toning 3 days, 20 min on Mon & Fri and 30 min on Wed and exercise 4 days!! I think that is pretty darn good. I just feel so much better this time around. I don't know how to explain it except I feel like that "switch" in my brain has gone off and I feel like I did a couple of years ago when I lost weight. I'm not cravning the sweets like I usually do. Yea, I want them sometimes, but like today I had 2 small pieces and was content w/ that!! Write that in the Guiness book!! :rofl:

So am feeling much more positive about my life in general. My finances are even doing better than in years! I am doing better about not spending and using it to pay bills like I should. Although the real test will be next week when I get paid and I need to put some in savings..hehe Then we'll see how I'm really doing. But I have a chunk of money that has been in my account since last week and haven't found a way to spend it on junk!! :cheers: So combine that w/ the way I am feeling from eating right and exercising and woohoo!! Work is even going good! Boss is training me some, alluding to a (someday) retirement (falls on the ground in shock!!).

Speaking of which, it is time to get back to work...

LOL Mikey, well you are sounding just great. Good for you at paying those bills, and we will be waiting to here how much you left in the bank on pay day, lol.

Maybe the boss also wants to train you so she can take a vacation or two. LOL. Go for it, be the best you can be!!!

Well here I am. This is going to be one of my toughest test. My son is gone for a couple of hours and before that would mean BINGE TIME!! I could eat all the crap I wanted and I would. Sometimes even going to the store before he left and getting cookies, etc. to bake and eat while I could. And while a part of me wants to do that again, there is an even bigger part of me that doesn't want to ruin the work I've done all week and I really don't want to eat all that crap. So I think I am going to sign up for ww today and hopefully that will help keep me honest!! Off I go....

Ohh...I forgot (blonde coming out again...lol) I did want to post that yesterday son had a wrestling tournament (placed 4th as usual, but at least this time he really tried to win and didn't quit...) but the good news was that my friends took us out for a late lunch afterwards, and while I didn't make the healthiest choice (not my taste yet) I choose chicken strips and a baked potato, but the really good news is that I stopped when I was full!! I LEFT FOOD ON MY PLATE :O Okay, everyone can pick themselves up off the floor now...:rofl:

Weigh in today 280.6 so down a 1.0 from last week still up .6 before thanksgiving. Actually think I was down that .6 and a little more but eating was not the best this weekend, but wasn't so bad I'm upset w/ myself. I know I won't be able to eat perfectly for ever so can deal w/ times where I don't make the best choices, so long as I make good choices most of the time.

Now gotta get off of here to go exercise and tone!! :ex:

I did 45 minutes watp, 3miles and 15 minutes of toning this am and did a good breakfast however, lunch blew it, had an english muffin (w/ butter and p.butter), 5 chocolate candies and a glass of milk!! And I know what happened. I got to hungry so when I got home I was too hungry to care what I ate. So now to get back on track!! Even though I did so bad, didn't break my boot camp goals, so dont' have to start that over again

So I have learned from this to have better snacks at work, ones that will fill me up. Love those rice cakes and only like 1 point for 7 of them, but they don't fill me up when I'm that hungry. Need to get more protein in at breakfast, have to figure out how to do that..

On the scale front, had some good news this am down 1.0lbs!! So only have to lose .6 to be where I was ate at Thanksgiving. and then I will be out of the 280's forever!!! I refuse to change my ticker and my stats until I am BELOW my Thanksgiving weight. I have refused to give those 1.6lbs the satisfaction of showing up on my stats!!

Having leftovers for dinner. Then wrestling practice for my son and cleaning for me.

Did sign up for ww yesterday. So now that I am spending the money for it, will have to use it! Keyed in my foods for yesterday and today, except lunch, came straight here instead.

Car is back in the shop. So got in another 2 blocks of walking this am. yea! Unfortnatley will have a repair bill when they are done.

Off to post in other threads..

Hi buddy!!! Just started a journal and noticed yours here, so thought I would stop by to say hi and send thoughts of support!!! I read a couple of your posts...you crack me up. The bit about leaving food on your plate -- too funny. I know EXACTLY how you feel. They would be giving out ice skates at the gates of hell if I did that more than once in a blue moon. :laugh: Wish I had more time, but have to run. Onward to a good tomorrow! Let's stay strong for one more day!!!! :lift:

tootles, Iv

Okay, just counted my points for dinner (deluxe mnc & cheese hotdogs) :O OMG!!! About had to call the emt's to revive me!! Needless to say we won't be having that dinner very often. It's one of my favorites (yes, I'm a redneck!), or should I say used to be one of my favs!! Not anymore!! Man, am I glad I am using that ww points!! REally shows me that facts on what I am eating. Really need to go from eating okay to eating much better.

gotta run...drop boy at wrestling and go clean, yippy skippy 8-|

Morning all. Didn't work out this am, and this was suppose to be my 45 min to 1 hour workout as I don't tone this am. But woke up tired and crabby and so hit the snooze. Logically I know the exercise would have helped my mood, but to be honest just didn't care this am. Sad I know. Will really have to watch my food with this mood, know that from experience.

Am home tonight so will plan on getting some exercise in on my bike. Maybe while watching the biggest loser finale. Seeing the changes to their bodies and confidence has really inspired me. I realize it's not normal to work out 3 or 4 hours a day and lose that kind of weight, but they have done it. And they look great. The weight will still come off w/ smaller workouts in a longer time frame. But look, it can be done. Have a feeling I need to keep repeating that to myself today. Don't know what is up w/ this mood, sure hope it leaves soon though. I know I already want some pop and some cheetos or chocolate at work. X-(

Lord, grant me the strength to get today w/out binging and w/out making horrible eating choices. I don't expect perfect choices, especially today, but want to get through the day w/out ruining all my progress.

Now, I need to get off of here and take my antidepressents...wonder if I missed a pill?? maybe that's w/the mood and maybe it's just a natural mood swing. Have been having a hormanal and female problems, so could be a part of that too. Like anybody cares to read about that, but guess it is my journal, huh!

Car is at the shop and am borrowing my boss's spare van. Diffirant to drive, but now they are talking freezing drizzle today and tomorrow. 8-| Just what I want to drive a huge van (when I used to a small 4 door car, low to the ground) in bad weather. No extra errands for me, that is for sure!! Hope they hurry up and get my car fixed!!

Off to face the day

Hi boot camp bud...well, how did the day go for you? Was thinking about your struggle. Believe me, I know how hard those days are.

Hey, did you see Blue's new daily goal thread? She has the link in her journal. I only got to read a few posts, but in generally, I think I'm going to love it! She is focusing on JUST today rather than making such long term goals. I think it might be a great supplement to the huge (sometimes overwhelming?) boot camp project.

ok, just stopping by for a quick ~o) and to see how you are doin'!

Lata!

Morning. Came home from work at 12:30 yesterday, sick. Didn't get anything done other than laying on the couch. So no housework and no exercise. Didn't get up and exercise this am either as I tried to get out of bed but was so dizzy I feel down (am always this way after a day of being sick), so went back to bed for awhile. So yesterday and today are the 2 days I've allowed in my boot camp challange, so gotta work out the next 5 days.

Talked to my car mechanics last night. Turned out my problem was the head gaskets :-& so lots and lots of money!! Thank heavens my bank will loan me the money for the repair. Of course it means my car won't be paid off in august, but will still be paid off before a new car will and am praying that this is the last trouble I have for awhile. it's only a 99 w/ 53,000 miles, so that is on my side. Anyway, they think they will have it done today.

Tonight is out busy night. Starts after school w/ piano practice for my son, that he normally rides his bike to but w/ the ice and snow don't think he will get very far on his bike..lol So I will have to leave work to drop him off and pick him up. Then have 30 minutes when I am home from work, before I take him to wrestling and I head to bell choir practice at church and then head to clean before I pick him up at 8:30...so not home much tonight...uggg!

Well, suppose I've wasted enough time sitting here rambling about nothing! Time to get off my extremely large bottie and get ready for work..

IV~ Thanks for the visit hon!! I really do love having people pop in here. Doesn't it feel so nice to get that extra support and encouragement! I've stoped in Blue's thread but haven't posted. Maybe I should today...

Hi Mikey,

Feel like we are playing tag here.................! Sorry you have not been feeling well, I know winter has a way of doing that to me. Kind of puts ya in an all around funk at times. Do your best to stay focused, your workouts have been super! Do you take any vitamins? I really have found that since taking them I tend to stay healthier. Been taking a multi vitamin for several years now. Maybe it is just phycological but I really think they help. Sorry about the car problems, but luckily you can have the repairs tacked on to your current bank note, so that is a plus. You sure do have a busy evening in store for you tonite. Be sure to pack you a healthy snack so you are not tempted to stop at a convienence store should the urge to munch strike. Well, need to run gal. Have a great day. Sandi

Just have a minute but wanted to post that I fell so, so much better! Mood is better, not feeling sick any more. Also got my car back last night and while the repair was expensive it was about $450 less than the estimate :cheer: Managed to get up this am and do 30 minutes of the 4 mile wapt dvd...back to work

Glad to hear things are looking up for you gal! Things have a way of running in spurts like that! You have perked right back up to your determined self again, that is wonderful! Wtg on the workouts. Talk later have a great weekend. Sandi

Just wanted to pop in real quick, I see you posted at our thread first..........! I jthink that if you continue working out and staying on top of your food that things will even out girl. I am always here if ya need a friend to laugh, or just vent with, hope you know that. Remember to lose one pound we have to burn off 3500 extra calories so the same holds true to gain them. So no way the gain you spoke of is for real, has to be water retention.......possibly salt induced? Time of month? You watch things will work out. Gotta run have a great day, Sandi

Weigh in was today. Scaled showed increase of like 4.4lbs!! :c( But am kinda blowing it off, because on friday I was about the same as last week, so figure my body is just doing something weird. Although I haven't been eating very well, so am not suprised at a small gain or stay the same. But enough crying about that.

Recorded my points in ww today. Went WAY over, partly because of my lunch. Didn't have a clue that scrambled eggs would have 10.5 points!! Next time I make them I will have to figure it at home cause that seems really high to me. And bacon was just as bad!! Combine that w/ the chocolate milk I hadn't had planned but had to have because the eggs upset my ulcer; long story.

really need to plan my points out, but as I am not planning on any big grocery shopping for awhile as we have a stocked freezer imagine I will have to be creative w/ my points as I am guessing that most of the freezer stuff is high in points. So will probably have smaller portions and add veggies and fruits and milk (love the way milk fills me up)

Okay want to type more but my son is being needy w/ attention. He is suddnely interested in my high school years, etc. and trying to quiz me while I am trying to type...ARRRGGGG!! CHILDREN!!

Almost time to take him to wrestling and then to go clean...yippeee!

55 minutes, 4 mile watp

was hungry last night but managed not to snack, figured it was after 9:00 and I was headed to bed plus didn't have any points left (actually was way over points) and no zero point foods around. but don't feel too bad this am for that. feel much better after the workout.

no time to post more

Okay I have GOT to get my eating under control. I haven't been able to say no to anything and it is killing my weight loss progress. time to sit down, go through my feelings and do some analizing...however, no time for that right now, so hopefully tomorrow 8-|

did 30 minutes of toning and no aerobic today. Dont' know if that was the wise choice, but I know I really need to tone and am extremely worried about not toning enough and ending up w/ excess skin everywhere when I lose.

Eating yesterday was horrible. Have got to get that under control. Went to pizza hut last night and had a salad (salad, egg, cheese, sunflower nuts, 1000 island dressing :o ) and some cheese breadsticks w/ ranch dressing. And then a small bowl of ice cream for dessert. Which considering I kept it to a small bowl that is an improvement, but I didn't need to eat it at all.

Joined the day at a time resolution thread (started by my dear buddy Blue, thank you!) and my resolution for today is to figure and record EVERYTHING I eat in my ww online points tracker.

Off to get ready for work

Oh, forgot I wanted to note that my "phatom" pounds are still here!! Monday showed 284.6 and every morning has been between that and 282.8....dont' understand what is going on!! But I don't count any weigh in except monday am, so will wait and see what the scale shows then before I change my stats or get upset.

I didn't eat wisely for lunch, gave in to that lunch monster that looks in my fridge at lunch and proclaims "THERE IS NOTHING TO EAT HERE!" so grabbed a burger and fries and ate at a friends.

Had gone to the store to get a bag of salad and all they had was slimy and brown, so went home to make a baked potato and they were old enough they had eyes growing on them, so that is when the lunch monster showed up Guess it's time I cleaned out the cupboards/fridge and did some grocery shopping and some cooking so that I have leftovers! Did discover that my beloved dt. dr. peppers are zero points! :cheers: So I can drink a pop once in awhile and be okay. :dc

Now I only have 3 points left for the rest of the day... :o Have a feeling that won't last me...hehe I did bring a bag of popcorn for my afternoon snack, so that is 1 point per cup, I think, need to double check on that. But will have to use my flex points for dinner I guess. And as I have used some everyday this week it is no shock that my scale is not moving down huh!

Okay, I cut my workout short this am because I really need to come here and vent, to "talk" to myself, record what I am feeling, etc. and hopefully figure out my solution, or get myself remotivated, and so on.

I did keep my one day @ a time resolution of recording all my food @ ww, however I ate so piss poor that I have 5 point in the whole w/ my flex points for the week :c( definetly not a good place to be.

Came home last night and ate because I was upset and I knew I was doing that, but did it anyway. Then got upset this am when the scale showed me up 2lbs, well duh you idiot you eat like a cow and you will weigh like a cow!

Okay, so what had me upset? My mom's parents like in AZ. Two years ago I drove out there to visit, took my son and my cousin and her older boy for company & because I didn't want to make such a drive by myself. We had a blast! Loved the whole trip. Last year my grandparents didn't want us to come visit, so had planned to come this year, driving again, w/ my cousin (Becky) and maybe her son. Well Becky's husband lost his election for sheriff and so is unemployed. He was a PI b4 he became sheriff and she continued the business while he was in office. He hasn't been able to find another job and is getting his PI license reinstated. She had said several months ago she wasn't going to be able to go w/ us because of money as he wouldn't have a job come january. So I was planning on flying (again, not sure I wanted to drive all that way by myself w/ my son) and cutting short the visit. That would mean buying the plane tickets and getting a rental car for a few days. Would not be as much fun for my son as he wouldn't be able to site see and when I spend the afternoon w/ my grandparents (as they want to be able to go through things so I know what to do w/ them when they pass, etc.) he would be stuck w/ us doing that and doing his homework. Well Becky has called and plans on going w/ me anyway. She and her husband figure that he'll have his license by then and so will be able to do what ever pi business she would do if she stayed and if he does have a job, then that takes care of the money issue. I know my grandparents don't like that idea because of several reasons. They are worried she will get me in financial trouble (although she's not taking money from me, I'm not paying for anything of hers, just like the first trip I'll pay for the gas and hotel rooms, because it is our trip and she is going along for me) and they are worried that she will cancel on me (in which case I told them I will just buy plane tickets then or maybe I'll just drive w/ just me and my son) and they know that she is not the best w/ money so they don't think she should be using money to come w/ me. But last night I emailed them and told them that she was coming, the dates and that if she canceled on me, then I would buy plane tickets and fly (although as I said, last night I kept thinking that ya know I am 32 years old, surely I can handle driving from ks to az w/ just my son and I. I mean my car is a 99 w/ only 53,000 miles on it), but I know they won't like that idea and I will hear about it and that is what upset me.

I hate making me upset at me. Gets me upset and I always emotionaly eat when I do that. I am the type that will bend over backwards, competly rearrange my schedule to keep other people happy :( , sad I know.

But other than that I am so looking forward to the trip. Two weeks away from both jobs, the town, my boss, just getting out of here and having fun.

On to other topics, (gonna be rushed getting ready for work, but really want to get this all typed out) stepped on the scale this am the 4lb gain from this weekend is still there. I know I'm not eating the best but I really thought w/ the exercise I've been doing I wouldn't gain!! I also thought monday when I stepped on those scales and saw that gain that they were phantom pounds, ya know those ones that appear and disaper, except my appeared and haven't gone anywhere. I know I shouldn't let it get me down, but it is. And I know all the lines about getting healthy and not worring about the scale (shoot, I feed those lines to people too) but to be brutely honest, I could give a rats behind about being healthy, I just want to be skinny. To not be stared at in public, to not worry that if I fly in a plane, they might make me buy 2 tickets because i am so fat, to be able to sit down w/ out the furniture groaning, to take up 1 spot when I sit; I could go on forever w/ that list, but that is the gist of it. I did still work out this am, but not the hour that I had planned, when my calves started hurting immediately upon starting the 1 hour watp, I stopped at 15 minutes and then did 15 minutes on the bike and quit, used the excuse that i really need to talk out my stuff, so at least I did come here instead of feeding my face.

I really need to toughen up my eating program. Which will be tough considering I don't plan on doing alot of grocery shopping as we have a freezer full of stuff, might not be the healthiest stuff but it is paid for!! Althoug not by me, alot was given to us, thinks like frozen chicken sandwhich patties, etc. Still food and will help w/ the grocery bill. Although I do plan on going to get some salad stuff and veggies and fruit.

So I need to get my eating under control and alot of the that will require that I get my emotional eating under control. When I get stressed or upset (my boss gets mad at anybody and it gets me upset :c( ) I imediately crave my chocolates and chips and pop, etc. etc.

I feel like giving up. I mean part of me does and part of me doesnt. Part does say what's the point, I'll fail as before and there is this other voice saying but you feel so much better when you exercise, imagine if there was 150 less pounds to carry...

Crap...am about 15 minutes later than I thought...gotta go. think I got everything vented, feel better at least. Imagine I will be back at lunch time..

Am posting a copy of my post of aa's because I want to remember/note what i wrote there over here.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Blue you made me cry (at work even!). I am feeling much better now. Had a doctors appointment this afternoon for a female problem I've been having for awhile and while we didn't discuss my moodiness (I'm always the moody type but this is bordering on manic! ) the answer to the other problem is that I have too much of one hormone and not enough of the other, so gave me some of that other hormone to take for 10 days, starting tuesday. So I hope and pray that solves the moods too! It's like having tom for 3 months, mood swings, cramps and yes, everything!! Maybe that helps to explain my mood swings, w/out going into too much detail for the faint of heart...lol

I did come home and make a list of the stuff in my cupboards and freezers, even typed it up on the computer and then made a list of main dishes that I can cook w/ what I have in the house. I think that will be much easier for me than coming home and trying to figure out what I have to cook this or that w/, etc. Am very proud of myself for that! It also worked out real well becuase I could really and truly see what I have (more food than I thought I did) and it cut down my shopping list by alot. I need a few staples and am getting some fresh fruits, salads, veggies, etc. It does mean that we will be eating some frozen chicken patties, etc. which are high in points, but they are already paid for and if I put healthy stuff w/ them they won't be too bad. And maybe my body won't go into shock so quickly w/ a slow change, I'll still be eating "naughty" food but will also be having healthy...hehe

Food was piss poor again today. Although once I got home I did much, much better.

I've been on the puter for 1 1/2 hours, so I'm off of here to hit the sack. til the am...

I just saw this thread and thought... I didnt start that. LOL. I think typing what you have in your cupboard to plan your food is an excellent idea. I think it will help you not just grab something, which is probably unhealthy, and will give you a little more stability. I hope it works for you!

Elise :laugh: Yea, I unfortanlty started this that day that everything got messed up. Am sure many people stop here looking for you..lol

Just wanted the encore presentation of discovery body health challange and found a few facts really interesting. Am typing them here so that I can go back and reread them

Anything weight lost over 2lbs/week is muscle mass, NOT FAT!! So 1lb/week is really excellent! as it is probably all fat!

Fat cells control hormones and nerves, not just sit there taking up space. When you begin to lose weight the fat cells send information to the brain to send out signals to the body telling you you are hungry! UNDERSTAND THAT: THE FAT CELLS FIGHT BACK!! That fact floored me. Speaks volumes about why it is such a tough battle and a battle it truly is, especially after reading that, for your life, your body and your health!!

WOW!! In a way, makes me feel better because I know it is all in my mind, but that there is something there fighting me and I just have to be stronger than it!!

REREAD THIS AND REMEMBER THIS FOR THE DOWN TIMES!!

Morning all. Well, wanna guess what this naturally graceful one did yesterday? You know I fell in the am on the ice, well last night leaving my friends house I fell again and landed AGAIN on the same knee!! This time managing to scrape it up pretty good. So this am I am sore, hurting and cranky because it hurt so bad to even have anything touch it that I didn't sleep well last night...ARRGGG!!! Do I sound like a crybaby yet?? lol I had planned to get up and do a kickboxing workout but at 2am when I was still up I shut off my alarm and decided cleaning apartments and cleaning out a maintenance room (why do we women always have to go clean up after the guys??? Huh?? They make a mess all year but we have to get in their place and clean it up before the inspection ) will be all the workout I'll get.

On the good news front, did my shopping at wally and stayed w/ just what I needed to buy other than 1 plant for $4 so am very proud of myself!! Especially since they had alot of plants there and I had decided last month to start buying more plants for my house.

The thing that really bites about the knee injury which I didn't even think about until today is that it is on my good foot, so since my knee is so sore, I've been putting my weight on my sore foot...oh life's trial...hehe I'll live, even have food in me so am in a much better mood. My son fixed toaster studdels for me w/ a glass of milk. what a sweet kid!!

Managed to clean for about 3 hours and then called the boss and cancelled the meeting we were suppose to have to clean up after the maintenance guy. My knee was killing me, I can't bend it yet and it had swollen back up. So spending the afternoon being lazy. Hope the swelling will be down and it will feel better tomorrow.

Confession time: I ate horribly this weekend. Binged all weekend. And no real excuse either. I mean I wasn't emotionaly upset so it was the emotional eating, just wanted to binge and I did...However that is behind me. It is a new day and I'm gonna work at staying in plan. Although I would really like to understand myself and what drives me to binge like that. As I'm sitting here typing I wonder if I was eating because I felt lonely?? I tried to call a couple of friends sat afternoon (once I came home from work and put my knee up) and they were all busy w/ their own families, while my son was also busy w/ his own life..maybe just feeling so alone?? Not an excuse by any means, but maybe something I need to watch out for??

Did weigh in this am and was shocked that the scale went down!! 283.0

Should have gotten up and toned, but didn't do it. Layed back down and sent back to sleep. Hoping that my knee is bending well enough to do something aerobic tomorrow. Will plan to fit in some toning on my lunch hour or in the evening.

Breakfast; either cereal or oatmeal w/ banana
Snack; yogurt w/ nutrigrain bar
Lunch; leftover spagetti w/ salad
Snack; popcorn
Dinner; new recipe chicken & brocolli dish w/ salad and fruit

Morning all Well once again my eating was not very good. Did alright until lunch time, even that wasn't too bad, but after that it just went down hill. Almost made myself sick at one point. Where is this descrutive behavior coming from and why can't I stop it??? You would think I would have extra motivation w/ going to see my grandparents and that's only 5 1/2 weeks away!! OH MY GOSH....5 1/2 WEEKS AWAY!!!

Did get my butt out of bed intime this am either. Hit the snooze and was out like a light again!! Maybe can get some in this evening?? Before we go to the ball game.


I think for my birthday I'm gonna ask for an indoor grill, does anyone have those? What do you think of them?

I am thinking about going back to school to take some accounting classes. My boss is due to retire (actually should have retired several years ago, but let's not go there right now!) and while she doesn't have any accoutning experience (and I think it shows cause I think she does some things *** backwards!), I think it would be helpful if I took some classes, but man they are expensive!!



Need to get off of here so that I can have some breakfast and not make a stop for some junk on the way to work...hehe

Food :down Exercise zilch

What is up w/ that...I kinda care, but really haven't been able to get my mind set back into this like I need too.

I wonder if part of my problem is self esteem or if I am just making excuses. Maybe I need to do as Blue suggested and tell myself one positive thing about myself. Wonder if I can do it once a day and convince myself it is the truth. I wonder if this isn't part of the problem because when I am failing at this I find myself saying "oh, well, it's only you, it's not like your that important anyway" and I know that's not good and that is something that I really need to work on. I have always thought that as I got smaller I would get more self confidence so I didn't worry about it, but maybe that isn't the right way to look at it.

Sure wish I had a friend that I could get some support from in this. I mean I have lots of "friends" here at dt, but I would like a "real" person in my "real" life. But I can't talk to my dad or his wife. In the first place my dad doesn't have the time to deal w/ us since his new job, in the 2nd place he doesn't like to discuss stuff like that w/ his kids and then there is my stepmom, man have I grown to love her, especially since my mom died, but she is the same size she was when she got married to my dad 20 years ago and has told me that she doesn't like to eat, only does it because she has to. She is one of those that would just as soon pop a pill to fill the hunger (like on star trek..not like a druggy, that came out wrong hehe) as eat actual food. My two close friends, well one is a size zero and always has been and is just that way. Even though she does eat, really well!! plus she is newely engaged and is all busy w/ that newly in love crap. My other friend is busy w/ her boyfriend and her idea of a good diet is to starve herself (yes I've lectured her and lectured her, but it doesn't do much good when she loses 45lbs in a few months doing that and I don't...she doesn't see my point)...so that is really sad that I don't have anyone that I can lean on. And I'm sure I know what my problem is, I don't trust people. They will disapoint you, all of them, at some point in time. that sounds harsh I know. But I have yet to find someone I can trust totally and completely. Even my two closest friends, will gladly ditch me for their men and I have a feeling will share my secrets w/ their men..and don't even get me started on the worthlessness of men... X-( I'm just too tired to even get started on my ranting and raving of them!

Okay enough being witchy and whining tonight. Did work however, in that I first sat down because I was wanting to eat something but wasn't hungry and I've worked past that. Am now ready to go climb in bed!!

Gosh I love these journals!! It is so freeing to be able to write down anything and everything!! Honestly don't think I could do it if I knew I would see the people that could read it...but I won't so I can write down my true feelings, the ones I don't share w/ ANYONE!!

Hi Mikey,

Been missing you. Just busy? Or down in the dumps. I just read your last post here, I too have been slacking so don't beat yourself up. I hate reading how bad you feel at times. I too am a loner for the most part. I have one very close friend in my life, my daughter, my family and then all of you here at diettalk. Do your best to make every day count, and when you slip forgive yourself and keep moving forward that way eventually you will get to your goal. Feel free to pm me any time you like if you just want to talk. Well, need to get going, hope you have a great day. Look forward to seeing you soon. Sandi

Well where to start. Once again been having a hard time w/ my depression. Not sure what caused this last time. I don't know if the hormones that I was taking messed it, if it was just a really low mood swing, if it was caused by spending time planning my trip to see my mom's folks had me missing her more than normal??? I don't know but it was a real struggle to get through the day this last week. I really wish I had some friends that I could talk to about it, cry w/ them and get some hugs. The one friend that I have talked to about it in the past is so busy w/ her fiance and remodeling their new house that I'm lucky if she bothers to return a phone call w/in the same week. And my other friend is so busy w/ her b/f (who is married, but I'm not even going to get into that!) that her ups and downs alone drive me crazy and she can't handle listening to mine too when they are also having a rough week. Really miss my mom at a time like this, because I could talk to her about it. But for some unknown reason God felt that He needed her more than me. I'll never understand why He feels that I need to go through this life alone now, but I'm trying to have faith that He is Lord and I need to know that I can handle this or He wouldn't be asking me to go through it! But DA## it I'm tired of being alone, w/out some real friends, w/out a companion, wether it be my mom or a husband, but someone that cares enough about me to put someone else on the back burner and help me when I need it.

Enough whining about that. I am feeling better. Told Alice, boss of my 2nd job, that I was not doing any work for her this weekend as I was spending it at home. And I have. I spent yesterday day cleaning house and feel so much better have gotten that done. My new desk still needs to be organized and I need to pay bills as payday is this week, but my house is clean. Today is church and then we are dashing to town to do a bit of shopping b4 the game. And will also get laundry done today. I think spending this weekend taking care of my house and hence myself has gone a long way towards helping me. But then I stopped taking the hormone pill saturday, was done w/ them, so we'll see how that helps the other problems, so that might be part of it.

I will be really really busy these next few weeks. My 2nd job is going to take alot of my time and my son is going to alot of wrestling tournaments too. So the next few weeks will be crazy, but will also mean good money which is a plus right before my big trip.

Gotto get if we are going to make it to church on time.

Blue :hug: Thanks for asking about me. It's nice to know someone cares when I go through those stupid spells. I thought about posting, but I get so negative that I didn't want to bring that here. Thanks for being such a good friend.

Dear Michelle,

I realize I haven't posted in your Journal for quite a while ...

I just wanted to say although I am not right there by your side PHYSICALLY ... I am here for you in any way possible .... (via email, your journal or private message) ....

I'm not the type of person TO KICK ANYONE IN THE BEHIND ... imo we all do just FINE BY :whip: BEATING OURSELVES ...

You know your Journal (as is for all of us here at Diettalk) is your voice to EXPRESS WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE FEELING .... it's a tool that in my case is a godsend .... IT ISN'T WHINING WHEN YOU ARE FEELING DEPRESSED ... DISCOURAGED ... FRUSTRATED OR LONELY .... NOR ARE YOU BURDENING ANYONE BY VENTING WHAT IT IS YOU ARE FEELING .. this is a tool to not only HELP YOURSELF BUT TO HELP OTHERS WHO MAY BE FEELING THE SAME WAY ....

We're a family .... we're different ages, different backgrounds YET WE HOLD A STRONG BOND IN THAT WE ARE WORKING TO ACHIEVE A BETTER LIFE .. AND A HEALTHIER LIFE ...

I'm here for you Michelle ... I don't know all the answers to all the questions (asked or unasked) ... BUT MY HAND IS STRETCHED OUT TO YOU ... MY EARS CAN HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY .... and I AM ALWAYS WANTING TO GIVE YOU THE LOVING SUPPORT :hug: ..

Our successes in life don't always come as quickly as we may want them to ... BUT WITH FOCUS AND DETERMINATION WE ARE ABLE TO ACHIEVE THE GOALS WE SET FOR OURSELVES ....

Take care my friend .... and don't doubt THE LOVE YOU HAVE OF YOUR DIETTALK FAMILY ... :ghug: I am as always, Monica

Monica~ Thank you for the kind, loving words and your never ending support. Your kids are a lucky bunch.

Weigh in this am was down to 281.6, so down almost 2lbs. Am back down under the 10lb mark. Now to not let myself get back up there again!! I think I would be more excited about the weight but I know I lost it by eating alot of ice cream instead of real meals...although the more I think about it the more I remember days at work where I ate junk food all day and really gorged...so think maybe the scale had jumped up last week because of the hormones and what they were doing to my sytem and my tom.

I am feeling much better this am. The trick will be to keep this feeling when I have to go to work w/ the most negative person ever 8-| Just being in the same room w/ her wears me down. And unfortanley she shows no signs of being ready to retire...well let me rephase that, she shows plenty of signs-can't concentrate on more than one thing, rude to customers, mistakes, etc., however she does not want to retire and my current big boss is to scared of her to correct her. He knows that she makes the entire office a holy double hocky sticks if she gets mad...Lord grant me the patience to deal w/ her until she leaves that office and grant me the strength to not absorb her negativty and to keep my normal happy self.

Uh, oh, wanted to type more but need to wake son up so we can stretch our legs. He is having pain in his groin area out to his hip (thought it was the same bone rotting problem my brother had but TG it is just tight muscles) and the doctor said that it is because the muscle in the back of his legs are so tight...hmmmm same thing they said about my foot... :laugh: Guess at least he comes by it honestly...lol

Well first part of the work day is almost done. It's almost 5 and am getting ready to leave work. then to stop by and get my tires aired up, go home, change, cook dinner, help D w/ homework, ohh can't forget that he needs to practice the piano too, clean up dinner, take D to wrestling, and go clean for 2nd job, then pick D up from wrestling and head home...

Did alright w/ my choices. Nothing to brag about but I didn't binge and that is always a plus. Breakfast had english muffin w/ butter and peanut butter (1 of my fav breakfast although am realizing that maybe I need to drop the pb), snack had a nouriche and some graham crackers. Lunch is another story...had some chips and dip (made w/ low fat velveta like that makes a big differance, about a cup of it) and then oreos and milk :o But ya know, I'm telling myself that I am okay w/ that. I didn't binge and I didn't go out for lunch. I know I am not a 3 square meals a day person, I am a picky eater and some days I really don't want a meal. I am reminding myself that I did stop when I was full and that is a large step in the right direction. Dinner will be hamburger helper w/ corn, although think I will NOT cook the muffins we always have w/ it, and try to find some fruit instead.

I am over my points for the day already. After lunch was over by 5.5 and so with dinner will be over quite a bit. Need to find some time to exercise or work really had tonight so that my cleaning can count.

Have been really gasy all afternoon and not sure why but need to figure it out because this BITES!! Don't usually have this problem, unless I have been binging on chocolate and having alot of pop too. which I have NOT been doing.

Boss went home sick at noon so it's been nice in here. No negative crap, no b*******, makes such a differance in the office.

Snack had some chex mix and didn't even have the entire serving as I felt full!! :O Also have been nursing a pop all afternoon in an attempt to get rid of this nasty gas. Sorry if anyone reads this and didn't want to hear that..lol

Off to close the office...

Posted this in my aa buddy thread but wanted to keep this feeling noted here:

Went to pick my son up at wrestling tonight and kinda got upset over something stupid. This little kid (refraining from calling him a brat) looks at me (his mom isn't there and dad is out on the mat coaching) and says "Ya know, you are really fat" My mouth drop open and my first thought was you little brat shut your mouth before I shut it for you but I just said thank you and he responds w/ "well, you are"...I keep telling myself it's a young child, it doesn't matter. But ya know the saying about children speaking the unvarnished truth. And I know I'm fat but for some reason that upset me. Really made me want to come home and eat, but so far I am avoiding that. Of course I have only been home 10 minutes...lol I am refusing to let a small child drive me to eat, that is ridiculas (nope, I can't spell). I am 32 (okay only a month from 33) year old adult I will not stop to that level AAARRRRRRGGGGG!!

Managed 15 minutes on the bike this am and then went home on lunch and shovled snow for 25 minutes!! (man I miss that sweat smiley) And am hurting so bad!! No wonder I never shovel and usually just let it sit there and melt. And it's still snowing so hard that by the time I get home you won't be able to tell that I even did it Guess it was good exercise anyway. My arms, neck, and the small of my back are the things that hurt the worst :pass: Yea, I know enough whining...lol

Also managed to get D up yesterday and today for am stretching. Didn't stretch him last night, figured 1 1/2 hours of wrestling practice, probably did that :laugh: Didn't know I was a whiner but you listen to him and man, I must do alot of whining for him to have picked that up.

Doing okay on points. Pushing the limit even though it's noon, but that is because I am eating left over hamburger helper and that is high in points, but that was our last box of it.

Well bared my soul this am, or at least a part of it to my son. Discovered yesterday that he had hid food in his room. Broke my heart because I remember doing that as a child and to see him repeating the habits was horrible. So I told him about my bad habits w/ food, how it had become an addiction and how hard it was to break and explained what I was doing by losing weight and asked him to help mom stay in line. I've NEVER asked for help, or told anyone when I am dieting (and I know it's not a diet, but couldn't think of another word to fit there and say what I wanted it to say, it makes my point) so this was a big step for me. I told him that when I am in wally and headed for my favorite ice cream, for him to tell me NO! I didn't want to burden him or make him feel like I was dumping a load on his shoulders but I wanted him to know and understand why and what I am doing and am trying to keep him from repeating it. I also explained to him that I don't trust alot of people (no-one completely) and so I trusted him by telling him those things in an effort to get him to see how important trust is and that he can give trust and that he is worthy of trusting.

We've got almost 4 inches of snow now...man by the time I get home my driveway and sidewalk will be covered again!!

Morning!

Yesterday ended okay. After work went to work for ha and shampooed carpets in an apartment. Didn't take long, but enough to work up a sweat. So by the time I finished yesterday I didn't have to use my flex points at all, although it did use my exercise points. Arms feel a bit tender from shoveling but not to bad :O TG it finally stopped snowing so now more shoveling for awhile.

Got up in time to exercise but D had crawled into my bed last night, so couldn't ride my bike :sigh: But have decided after my mary kay party this weekend the bikes goes back in the living room. Then I will not have that excuse any more and I can go back to riding and watching tv at the same time.

Forgot to stretch D last night :whip: Bad mom!! Gotta remember to do that!

I am starving this am, so going to have breakfast even though it's alot earlier than normal! lol

Hi Mikey,

Thanks for the visit! Listen to the advice Monica gives, she is a very wise and compassionate lady. I whine in my journal all the time.........IT'S MINE........and I don't make folks read it. Besides it is not whining at all, it is an expression of how I am feeling at the moment, and believe it or not just putting it down on paper so to speak helps me out tremendously. Not to mention all the support you can get from posting. Now on to recipes.............I go to a few sites that I like seem to have good selection. I have listed them below for you:

http://www.applesforhealth.com/recipes1.html

This one is really great from Mayo Clinic, as a matter of fact the whole newsletter is very informative. And FREE!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/findinformation/conditioncenters/centers.cfm?objectid=907FC0B7-8B2C-487E-A9EAF367725890DD&si=2726

I even track weight and get recipes here at slimfast even though I don't use it regularly anymore.

http://www.slim-fast.com/recipes


Hope these are as helpful to you as they have been for me. Hope you are having a good Wednesday..............Sandi

Okay just wanted to get in a quick update. Did fine w/ eating this afternoon at work. Dinner had chips and salsa con queso, wasn't hungry at the time so munched on that but kept it w/in one serving size. after we finally made it home I was hungry so had a bowl of cereal. My point here being that I didn't give in to the urge to get some cany or ice cream. I wanted some so bad while we were out tonight. But I remember that I told D I was gonna do this and I am. I also told myself the good things about losing and a line I saw or heard from weight watchers to not look at what I am giving up but what I am gaining. So yea a binge deverted.

Did end up over a few points, 2 or 5 can't remember, but okay w/ that. I'm not aiming for perfection but for a lifetime!!

Morning...errrr...Afternoon all! lol Didn't have time to post this am because this tooth fairy was up late waiting on a little guy to fall asleep!! And then got to balancing my checkbook, working on bills, etc. and so by the time I get to bed I was stressing about things, like my trip and couldn't get to sleep (yes, I am a worry wart). I am using my tax return to take the trip but by the time you figure the gas, hotels (only needed for 3 or 4 nights), and food you are talking a large chunk of change and so I worry about spending that much money on vacation. But in the light of day I am telling myself that this is a trip that we will remember! D is in 3rd grade and so is old enough (I hope) to remember seeing the Grand Canyon and the OK city memorial and create life long memories. Plus the time itself w/ my grandparents and my cousin will be good for him. After all this family is all we have left of my mom and now that I have made myself cry at work on to other topics (after I stop to compose myself )

Our weekend is basketball tonight, all day wrestling tournament for D tomorrow (leave town at 6 and return???? town is about 1 1/2 hours away) and then sunday I am hosting a mary kay class...so think when that is done I will sit down and collaspe! We have been running all week! And the next few weeks are going to just stay hetic as my 2nd job will take ALOT of my time because of her annual gvt inspections (gotta love goverment housing and their rules and regs! hehe) and I've got to get stuff ready for that (will be nice for paycheck though). Gesh I think about those things and realize that I am going to be ready to get away from all of it for awhile.

Have a great weekend Mikey...........make up some healthy snacks to help keep you in check. You sure have been busy this week, miss you bunches. Well time to scoot.........Sandi

Okay, made it through the weekend. Although the scale was showing 279 on friday this am, the official weigh in day, was at 281.0, so down .6lbs. Don't know if the differance is the tom is playing around w/ showing up or if I overate some last night. Did real good at the wrestling tournament, packed snacks and sandwhiches for us. The only "bad" food I had was 2 donuts for breakfast. So am really okay w/ that. Then went to do some shopping that afternoon and came back w/ more healthy food.

Gee,,,I think I've run out of things to say in my own journal :O So guess I'm off to post in aa thread

Have just a few minutes but wanted to post about my eating yesterday. Didn't get any exercise in, other than my cleaning job, and didn't get up early to exercise today. Althought plan to fit some in either on lunch or this evening.

Eating was pretty poor yesterday. Morning was good. Lunch was cheeseburger and fries and then in the afternoon had a pop (0 points and doesn't bother me to have that) but also had 2 big kit kats (some new candy bar..hmmm). Then was proud of myself for dinner because even though D was taken out to dinner by a friend (my usual time to sit and binge as I was alone in the house) I ate the dinner I had in the oven for us, including measuring out my portion of tator tots, but then late that night I had a glass of milk and 2 MORE of those kit kats... X-( Don't know whats up w/ that. And have to admit they didn't taste as good as the one candy bar on friday, after not having one all week, did taste. That one was so good and I savored that one, but this wasn't that good. I know its mental because the I had gone so long w/out one earlier. Will try to keep that in mind.

It's yesterday so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Time to start anew today.

Man, I wish my boss would retire...it would make my stress go down so much at work and make it so much easier not to eat there!! She stresses me out so much.... :sigh: guess whining about it won't help :pass: she'll retire when she will and not one day earlier and I can't do anything about it. So I'll just paste on a happy face and get ready for work.

Have been sick most of this week. Spent wednesday and thursday home sick from work. However felt much better yesterday so went back to work and to the bball game last night. Haven't counted my points since tuesday or monday?? one of those days.

Eating was not very good but then again not as bad as it would have been six months ago. I didn't spend all day both days using being home alone as an excuse to eat but I didn't make the wisest choices either.

Today is hair appointment and cleaning apartments. Want to get in as many hours as possible for vacation money. Plus the yearly inspection is coming up and I need to make sure my part of is done great so the boss doesn't get docked on it!

Wanted to note for reminding that yesterday received several compliments on my hair. Not sure why as I have been styling it the same way for awhile now, as i have been growing it out, but I want to remember how that made me feel. I was on cloud 9 just from a few females pointing out how nice my hair looked and how this lenght and style worked for me. I need to remember that I do look nice when I take the time to do the hair and makeup.

In fact caught myself saying something out loud that I tell myself alot in my head and sounded really stupid outloud! :o Getting my highlights redone for my vacatoin to my grandparents and told my boss (yea, the one that drives me :caff: ) "well I'll be fat as a house and look horible but my hair will be nice, now how stupid of me is that! To worry about my hair when I am that fat" Now that I have said that outloud it sounds so stupid. So what if I am fat...I can still take my best features (my hair and my eyes) and make myself look nice! Just because I am fat DOES NOT mean that I should lower my head, do nothing to look nice and just slink around like the lowest creature on the totum pole! I am still worth my time and money to look nice!! Put in color so that when I look back this part will jump out at me.

but now time to get going on the day!!

A friend told me something today that I wanted to share w/ everyone. I was making fun of him for ironing his pants (remember I'm one that didn't even own an iron until my mom passed and I got hers and I've never used it ) and he started telling me how he loves that way big women look when they dress nice. How much more attractive and sexier they are then when they dress crappy like me...hehe No, he didn't say that, we've never actually met. But I had told him that I like to wear sweats and that's when he commented that we look so much better dressed up and paying attention to their looks as opposed to hiding their body (again like I do)...I don't know why but really opened my eyes. Here I thought that it really didn't matter, but maybe the reason men never pay me any attention is because I've been going around everywhere in sweats and tshirts or bigger sweatshirts and until recently w/ no makeup or hair done...Think it clicked because although we've talked on the phone for several months we've never met so he really has no idea what I weigh or look like (other than an old head shot pic from about 6 years ago and 40lbs ago) so for him to go on about plus sized woman like that..course he's a big guy too...but enough about that. I know it doesn't pertain to all of you, not everyone here is plus sized, but just thought it might give some of us something to think about.
p

posted in aa thread, copied here for reference

I found ya!!!! :wn I wonder what's up with the "elsie" tag? weird. Anyway, I was reading your post about taking care of yourself, and I COMPLETELY agree. I need to be reminded of that too! I find that if I look after myself, I feel better, and I think you are giving yourself a message... "I am worth a little attention!" Plus, I think we are MUCH more likely to take care of ourselves in other ways (i.e. eating healthy food and exercising) when we feel great. Hey, maybe it's worth a little effort, after all! Not like, an HOUR worth of effort, but you know, putting on something decent to go out to run errands rather than the comfy running pants my lazy bum REALLY would prefer to wear. :laugh: Aw, shucks, you'll be fine -- I love to see you focusing a little bit on yourself though -- you deserve it! I'll bet your hair looks FANTABULOUS!!!!!

Weigh in today was....drum roll please......... 279.4!!! I've said goodbye to the 290's & 280's!! I am so pumped!!! I got up to ride my bike but was just so excited I had to come change my sig and profile and post that!!! Didn't lose 2 full pounds but I'll take whatever is gone..ya know!!

Did an 1 hour 20 minute walk last night Especially shocking because about 5 to 10 minutes in it I was walking to met my sil and thought I'm going to die...and I've asked her to go for a walk and then I'm only gonna make it a few more minutes cause my legs hurt...etc., etc. and then we got to talking and just kept right on walking Actually really enjoyed it as shocking as that thought is.

Today is doing some serious apartment cleaning...getting work done there and racking up some hours & pay for my vacation.

IV~ Thanks for the visit. I really have noticed that as I've been doing my hair and makeup it is much easier to eat better..I mean I've still eaten junk, but I haven't wanted to binge on it..and I do just feel so much better about myself, not so negative and not beating myself up..amazing what a differance that small change makes.

Well....two weeks from today I start my vacation...YEA!! Have talked to Becky, my cousin, and we are going to bring a cooler so that we can bring some produce along w/ us and sandwhich makings rather than stop at the fast food joints we had planned on. And I had already planned on packing snacks for us. So I feel much better about the trip. Not as worried about my eating. Turns out that when I finally got up the guts to mention it to her, she is also following ww :laugh: How funny!! So I plan to bring some oranges, apples, bananas, carrots and celery. For sandwhichs bread, cheese, lunch meat, mustard, mayo, p-butter, jelly, probably some chips too. Snacks..haven't narrowed down yet, but will get there. Am also bringing bottled water and some pops. Now part of my thinking in that was health but part was also cost, however my cousin's thinking was by saving the money eating out of the cooler for lunch, then dinner we can go some place nicer... 8-| so think we are on differant pages...hehe

OMG!! Didn't realize what time it is...gotta run!!

Evening all. Well had a change of plans. Rather than spend the whole day cleaning, I decided it was the perfect time to go get myself some decent shoes. I have been wearing the same tennis shoes (bought from payless or wally) for over 2 years now. And I mean I wear them every day all and that is alot of weight to be putting on something for that long of a time. So took the afternoon and went and did that. Was really a depressing day though. First off my feet seem to be growing. When I had my son I was an 8 or 8 1/2 and now I'm a 9 1/2 or 10 :c( I never thought about my feet growing, I mean they don't look fat. But I did finally find some really soft Nike's (on sale of course), my first pair ever :O and two pairs of dress shoes on clearance..so for those 3 pairs of shoes from Sears I paid $63.00, I thought that was really good. And should last me for quiet awhile. But then I thought how nice it would be to be able to wear jeans. As I don't have only 1 pair that fit me, the others are all too tight. And the ones I have are 28's and elastic and way to big and they are those coolets..I don't know how to spell it, but the ones that stop at your knees or right below it. But shopping for jeans was really depressing... NO ONE AND I MEAN NO ONE INCLUDING THE NEW PLUS SIZED STORE had jeans larger than a 26 and I couldn't get ANY of those up over my butt. It really made me stop and look at myself in the mirror. I don't have a full lenght mirror at home so have never done that. Man am I LARGE...It sounds stupid and I don't know if any of you know what I mean..but I guess I hadn't realized how large I had become...so that ended my shopping trip. Really depressed me. It kinda made me wanna work harder, but it also kinda made me want to give up, but not to really give up. However I could certainly see why people would chose the surgery option now. I was shocked to open up those size 26's to put them on and see how large they were and then them not even fit over my butt... :c(

But enough crying, time to do something about it. So I need to stay on track and realize that I won't be one of those wonderful people who makes their goal or lose 100lbs in a year, but I will get there. I just need to remind myself of what I've already lost and that is an accomplishment!

Hi there...............

Took me a bit of searching, but I did it. I found your journal. Hope that you are doing good. So, do you think you will like Mary Kay? Who knows maybe you will be driving a pink caddy real soon. :D Just wanted to pop in say hi.

Reposted from AA thread/wanted to keep a copy in journal


Okay gals, I feel kinda silly typing this but I want to talk to someone so here goes. You know I haven't dated in like 10 years. Yes, for those of you that are quick w/ math that means I haven't dated since I got pregnant. Well a friend wants to set me up w/ her brother-in-law. He's a real teddy bear kinda cute guy. I've only spoken to him a time or two as we are both shy, neither one of us makes alot of conversation around new people So she started in one why we weren't dating, why I didn't ask him out etc. I promptly pointed out that in mind the man asks the woman, old fashioned I know but that's me. So she decides we need to get together, long story short has him stop by her garage sale, where I"m visiting w/ her at, looking all nappy-hair not washed in my filthy cleaning clothes because I had been out cleaning apartments b4 stoping to see her. And she gets embarasing by asking him when he and I are going out! I about fell out of my chair. We visitied for a few minutes but she ended up deciding that she, her hubby and his brother would go to the school carnavel tonight to met up w/ me and D and we could hang out there. I was so totally embarrased! When they finally left I informed her that was so outof line because what if he wasn't interested, then what was he suppose to say?? Talk about putting him on the spot, leaving him no decent way out. But she has decided that we are perfect for each other, shoot she is even planning our wedding and kids! Went out to lunch w/ all of them and another friend and she tells me that she asked bil if she was being too pushy and says he told her she was fine and keep it up. So I'm not sure what to make of that??? I know she says he's extremely shy, especially around women, hasn't asked one out in over 2 years since the awful wicked (yea I know her so I can say that) one that was living w/ dumped him. But now I find myself excited, hoping that maybe he is interested, but nervous and scared that he isn't and I'll get my hopes up. And no matter how many times I've told myself not to get my hopes up, it's not working! I really hope that he is interested. I would really like to get to know him. And I would really like to feel like a woman again. It's been sooooo long since I've felt atractive. I'm always mom, or the 3rd wheel friend, or feeling like the fat friend that sits on the side lines. Gosh, I hope they come tonight. Gosh, I hope if he is really interested that he gets up the guts to call me. Orginally when she was asking me questions and determining that we were perfect for each other, she told me it would take him several weeks to work up the nerve to call. But then when they went to leave the garage sale, she's like "Oh, look he's dwadling behind, he doesn't want to leave, he wants to stay and talk to you, how cute"....OHHH!!! I feel like I am in junior high again!

Copied from AA thread/wanted to save in journal

Okay, I'm back and not sure how to handle the situation. the bil didn't show up, my friend said he was just to dirty as they had been working but he did take my number and is suppose to call me to go out. She went on to tell me more about their conversations that make me think that he is at least interested. Such as, (sorry I know this is long and my 2nd long one today but want to share w/ a friends and thats you girls!) my issues because most men don't even look past my fat and you see that "oh Gd, gross" look on their face, but those that do look past that, then see my son, who is biracial and that sends them running, but she discussed these issues w/ him and he says they don't bother him a bit, which is how she told me he would feel. Good news on one hand (although I was dissapointed at not getting to know him a little tonight) but then we get home and D (who had heard my friend telling me that he was going to call and ask me out) starts crying! He is upset by the thought of my dating. I have told him that we're just friends and there is nothing to worry about. I feel bad for upsetting him but man, I would really like to be more than just a mom. Don't get me wrong I love my son SO MUCH!! And he is so important to me! I would never be w/ anyone who couldn't love him as his own. But I also would like to be special to someone. to have a husband and maybe more kids! So not sure how to handle it. I've always told D to talk about his feelings if he is upset so imagine we will talk more about it tonight. I wouldn't let this guy near D until I had know him quite awhile but because it comes from friends (and several friends know him). I think D is just scared of change and of losing mom. After all the boy is 9, never had to share me in anyway and never even had mom date!! IF and thats still a big IF, I were to start dating it would be a huge change for him! As it is you can see the jealousy when someone else has my attention. I've worked w/ him on it, but it's so often just the two of us that it's hard to work w/ him on it. He just came out of the shower, crying, to tell me that he's been this long w/out a father and he doesn't need one now. Breaks my heart to hear him say that! So we had a discussion about it. Pray for me that I'm telling him what I should be and not screwing him up for life! lol

Tomorrow is my first mk class. Excited and nervous! Did get another maybe tonight for a show. Happened to mention in passing that I sold mk and she gets this suprised look on her face and says that she's been buying it off ebay because she doesn't like the way the elder lady consulant in town handles her business! She was excited about finding out that I sold it! hehe Maybe that is new customer, keep your fingers crossed

Finally decided to post in my journal, but by the time I got done fiddling around the site and blowing the dust off my journal, my time is about up. Meaning the boss is about to come back to work. So will type what I can before she gets here.

Vacation was really nice. Enjoyed myself alot. Eating was okay, didn't get in a lot of exercise, but did some walking. Most importanlty got to spend alot of time w/ the grandparents and that was the point of the visit.

Exercise has been nil, or close to it. I've been working on controling my eating. Not eating perfectly but working on not binging and not snacking all day long, cutting back portions, etc. And it's working. I feel better, more in control and am losing weight. I know I need to kick the exercise into gear though. Did 15 minutes on the bike this am.

Became a mary kay consultant in the last half of march. Didn't join at first to make money, just wanted to get my product and my families product cheaper, but then got to thinking and realizing that I ought to try and make money at it. There is such a low risk of losing money because I can either sell back to the company (they will buy 90% cost back but then can not be a consultant ever again!) or can just sell it at a discounted rate to customers (and still get some of a profit) or can sell it at cost to others consultants. If I fail and chose one of the last two options then I can still get it at cost for my family.

gotta go, man wanted to talk about Chris...oh well

okay, lets see what I can fit in b4 fran gets back...lol

Spoke to Jodie last night and she is already introducing me to people as her future sister in law! :o She is so outspoken it is embarrasing at times. but gosh I love her! Chris still hasn't called, but after Jodie and I spoke for about 2 hours last night, she yelled at me because I didn't tell her that I didn't have call waiting, so he might have been trying. Who knows. She did say that they all had dinner together and he kept talking about me and asking her about how I would deal w/ things like their traveling for several months at a time (which since I was going to marry a military man

fran back

Okay am back again and it is silly how excited I am to be back to posting in my journal! Before I get back to talking about Chris, want to whine about work to get that off my chest, but ya know...I've started it several times but I decided I just don't want to poison my mood by rehashing her embarrasing temper tatrum at work. So it's gone and over and done with! On to better topics.

D won most improved wrester of the year for his age bracket tonight at the wrestling end of year banquet :cheers: Am so proud of him. And so thankful to God for bringing Cleo in to help him. Having someone there to push him a little harder but still have only positive support and hugs, etc. is such a blessing!

Think I did good eating at the dinner. Was burgers and hotdogs and pot luck, so had 1 hotdog and then several small samples of other dishes. Not the heathiest I know but 2 things were big deals to me, 1. I stoped when I felt full and 2. I didn't go for dessert! Both big changes for me.

And I didn't come home and eat!! In fact came home and did 15 more minutes on the bike!

Jodie called me as I left work. Wanted to tell me that about their day at work and that they ran into Chris's best friend today and he was telling him about me, so much so that the friend is gonna ask his wife to join us all saturday night for bowling and dinner! She said he talked aboutme all day today. Then saw Chris when I went to the high rise to clean. And he finally "officially" asked me out. We stood and visited for about 20 minutes. Then of course spoke to Jodi later in the evening. Told her that honestly I was excited about going out, but yet not excited because I felt like she had pushed Chris into this and that wasn't what I wanted. But she assured me that she has tried to get him to ask out other girls in the 2 1/2 years since his last relationship ended but he just told her no and to back off. In fact last fall was trying to fix him up w/ someone I know and he told her that he didn't want to take out this girl, but would if she really wanted him too, but he wasn't interested in her. Whereas she said he keeps asking about me, wanting to know everything about me possible, talking about me, etc. She said he is really excited and nervous about it too. I've got the butterflies in my stomach...gosh it has been soooo long since I've had these feelings. Honestly have had trouble sleeping the last few nights :o Embarrasing to admit that I feel like a junior high kid over all this. Geez, I am a 33 year old woman and should be past this, but guess not, lol. Just feel like I could go on and on about it. I've "known" him for awhile, as in known who's brother he is, seen him around town, talked to him some, know he is friends w/ my brother (but to be honest my brother is so friendly half the town are his friends!), and thought he was cute...

Okay enough babbling about this. I need to get some sleep if I want to get some exercise in the am.

Tomorrow night is my first glamour facial by myself. W/ Alice and Jodie, two of my good friends, so not to worried about. Know they will laugh and joke WITH me as I goof up, not at me.

I've never said this before, but to those reading this journal, please feel free to read anything you like, but please don't make it a point to "rain on my parade" when it comes to my excitement about dating again. I have been single a long time and had some horrible relationships (including abuse, cheating, etc.) so I feel like I am entitled to feel excited about someone finally even if I do sound like a junior high girl. Thank you for respecting my wishes.

:peace:

Gosh, what a blonde!! Didn't write in my weigh in for today. Down from 279.6 to 276.8!! :db I'll take those negative numbers anyday!!

Also wanted to write that I got up the courage to ask 3 mom's at the wrestling banquet to let me do facials on them and explained about the new mary kay business and all three said yes! :cheers:

You know I thought all the talk about mk building your confidence was just a smoke screen, but I have noticed a differance in me since starting this and it's only been a few weeks. I realize that I am still in the new and exciting part of it, but I am feeling better and doing much better about speaking to people, even those that intimidate me. In fact this evening approached and spoke to an old classmate that indimidates me so much. Amazing fact was that when I went up to her all friendly and nice and she was also much nicer than she has been in years! Maybe part of the reason she hasn't always been friendly is because she perceived me to be unfriendly?? :crazy: Now that's a new thought. Need to ponder that one for awhile.

Love these positive feelings. Wish I could bottle them and keep them for future use AND take them to the office and spray them on my always negative co-worker! lol

Didn't get to sleep until after 1am so didn't get up in time to work out this am. In fact stayed in bed until the very last possible moment.

crud, gotta go.

Copied from aa thread

Hi again Despite all my plans to get to bed on time last night it was after midnight, again And that's why I didn't get up to exercise, was just to tired. That is the 4th night in a row that I have been up late. I really plan tonight to get to bed on time. Last night I did facials for two of my good friends and I knew we would spend alot of time talking and not be the mk schedule, but I didn't figure on starting at 6 and not ending until 8:45!! Then get home and there is a message from another friend crying about her jerk of a boyfriend, so spent the next few hours talking to her, as we both have been so busy we haven't even had time to talk let alone get together...and that is why my plans were shot! Like you all care right! lol My get together w/ my friends was so, so much fun! And then they loved the product (yep the same product they made fun of me for wanting to put on them) and ended up buying alot.

Had a blast w/ Alice and Jody. So much fun to just sit and visit w/ them. Of course Chuck and Chris had to stop by too and then Jody had to embarras me, but guess I'm getting use to that. She did tell me that Chris was looking into renting a limo for saturday :O Thankfully he didn't get one. Kinda think that is best reserved for a special ocassion, not the first date. He was so sweet helping me carry stuff out to my car, opening doors, etc.

customer here, gotta go

Well, managed to get up in time to do 15 minutes Yea for me! lol As for eating, haven't been eating enough. Which is shocking for me, but I just haven't been hungry. Think/imagine it is nerves and will get better.

Tonight have a mk meeting. Which I think means that I will have awards to accept so I will be walking to the front of the meeting room :( but I am getting better about those things. Almost was going to skip the meeting but then two of the awards I want NOW so decided to go put up w/ it up for that, hehe.

Chris called last night and we talked for over an hour! He is so easy to talk too. Can't say I have ever been able to talk to a guy like that. We discussed self confidence issues, my mom, and so much more. I really like that he didn't immediately start flirting w/ sexy comments, etc. I mean, I certainly hope those are to come :o but for now when we are just getting to know one other I much prefer the talking. And am getting even more excited about saturday night. But what am I going to wear!!! :O This is one of those times that I really regret 2 things 1. letting my wardrobe go to all sweats and junking things & 2. being so big that I can't just go into a store and buy something. Sometimes stores will have my size, but usually they stop at 26 and I wear a 28 bottom. I know my size doesn't bother him, but I would like to get something nice to wear. Think I will take some me time saturday and look at the newplus store in the mall.

Man, I have so much stuff to do for mk and my ha job that it is crazy!!

upps, here is a customer, back later

Just wanted to drop in and say HI! Glad you are doing well. Your life is really new and exciting lately that is so cool. Hope this continues for you girl, you deserve the happiness and excitement. Sandi

Hiya Miss Mik! Wanted to stop in and see how life is going. I am really happy to read that things are going good with your new boytoy. I am always happiest when everyone is gettin some luvin. :dc :laugh: Whew, that little carrot dude struck me as so darn funny for a second there. I hope your meds are adjusting well and you are feeling better. Is your little one about ready for summer vacation? I know I could use one! Your new business sounds like it's keeping you busy too. Several girls I know joined up because the discount is so great and if they make money, that's a nice bonus.

You hang in there and I hope this finds you smiling!

just checkin in again...you must be on journal vacation. :)

IV~ Thanks for the visit. Knew it had been awhile since I had posted but wasn't aware that it had been that long :o But then I haven't even been posting much in my fav thread, our aa group, either! lol Glad to hear that you are back to being my upbeat buddy!!

hey mik! Yep, trying the journal thing to keep myself on track. let's keep our fingers crossed!

Hey there buddy!

Just wanted to drop by and say HI! I know I have been MIA for a bit from our AA thread........it just overwhelming at times. So I have been journaling faithfully again, and it seems to be helping me out too. I am beginning to feel like myself again. Raring and ready to lose these nasty regained pounds. Any exciting plans for summer? Bet your son is getting anxious to be out of school soon. So how is the MK business? Have a great day gal, talk with ya again real soon. Sandi

Wow...look at the dust I have to blow off of here...hehe Thanks Blue for reminding me how important it is to journal. I really need to remember that and come here first thing.

Where oh where to start....

Have gained a few pounds. Monday was at 272.something but not going to let that bother me. I know exactly how that happened. Eating way to much and spending way to many late nights sitting on the couch w/ Chris. But I have made it to class three mornings this week and worked out 3 or 4 times last week so am really making progress in that area. Eating has been better but not as good as it could be. Being the fanatic that I am, I have stepped on the scale everyday this week and it was down to 271 this am, so am making progress. Hope to see it back to 269 monday, but that might be hoping for a bit much. Almost back to making real progress and not messing w/ these dang rebound pounds!!

Chris and I split up this weekend, but now are trying to work it out. He is a really good guy. I worry because I don't have the urge to spend ALL my time w/ him and don't know if it is because I am just not feeling what I should or if it is more because I have been single for over 10 years and work 3 jobs, plus being a parent so am just used to doing my own thing and having my own time. He cares so much for my son already. Loves to spend time w/ him.

Man, am glad I came back here. Had forgot how much I loved journaling. Just sitting down and typing out thoughts and feelings as they come....works wonders for someone like me that loves to talk! lol

But now, back to work...or at least pretending to work!

Good Morning!

Just wanted to drop in before I start my day. Sitting here sipping on my coffee before workout. Glad to see you journaling again. I love it! It is my lifeline. Glad you are fitting in the workout classes, are they low impact type, so not to hurt your foot? How is your foot BTW? Sorry you broke up hun, but I am sure that you will find a way to sort through things and come up with the answer that works for you and your son. Keep the faith, the lord only gives us as much as we can handle. So have you had any relief from the heat your way? Well, need to run along, got a treadmill just dying to get turned on LOL! You have a great day. Sandi

Morning. Made it to class again this am, although just by the skin of my teeth. Slept through my alarm! :O Worse part of it is that my sil was there for the first time to join me in class! It was alot more fun having her there, plus two other people. Makes the class more fun w/ others. Scale showed increase from yesterday but not gonna panic because it is still a decrease from monday. no more time am at work trying to sneak this in while boss is outside starting her morning off w/ a smoke. After all we come to work at 8 and by 8:05 ya have to go take a smoke break, right?? X-( Not gonna get started on that now!!

Just have a second but wanted to note (b4 I forget) that I also got in 45 minutes of mowing last night, then 20 minutes eliptical this am and weights this am. gotta run

And I'm back....for more ramblings by mikey :laugh:

Didn't get in as hard of a workout this am. I did do 20 minutes on the eliptical, but I know I didn't work it as hard as I usually do. I am so tired. Last night didn't get back from the ball game and mk delivery until 8:00 and then mowed until 9, so didn't get inside and get dinner and son in the shower until late and finally got to bed about 10:30. Think my system is just exhausted as this is the first week that I have been at the gym by 6am every morning. Shoot, I usually don't even get out of bed until 7am! So I'm not only waking up an hour and a half early but I am also adding in intense exercise and weights. Hopefully in a week or two my bod will get used to it.

Didn't get to see Chris last night. But am so glad that we are working things out. don't know if I'll get to see him tonight either. going to spend the evening w/ Stacy as Patrick is gone for the evening. As of Sunday he leaves for about two months for work. Hope they will be home at least some weekends as they will only be in kansas city, but don't know. TG for cell phones though! Jody was at the boy's ballgame last night. At least she was polite, for the most part, although not real friendly. She made it a point, by her actions, to let me know she was talking about me, but oh, well. She's not the one that I am in a relationship w/, Chris is. And I know her attitude wears on him some. I just hope that as he and I work out our differances we are able to keep her out of the middle of it this time. Think that will help things alot. My dad shocked me so bad last night. Pops up w/ Kim said that you and Chris are having troubles. So I answered honestly w/ yes, we are, but how did she know? He said he didn't know but that he was sorry to hear that. that Chris and I both had seemed really happy together. So I turned towards him a bit to ask his opinion about something and told him that we are working things out and made some comment about how the problems might seem petty. And dad immediately pops in w/ I don't want to know the details of your love life, but am I really glad that you two are working on it. Both he and Pat were asking Missy on the way home about it and according to her, seemed happy that we are working on and both expressed the same idea about Jody keeping her nose out of it and letting us resolve it ourselves!! I couldn't tell from our family dinner if my folks liked him or not, so was unsure but last night made me feel so much better. I now know that they approve and like him. Guess it might seem silly to some to have a 33 year old independant woman worried about their opinion but family is so important to me and of course they see it from a differant side too and that is important.

Fran is gone this afternoon so will be a nice, relaxing afternoon. Counter should be quiet and hopefully the phones as most people are getting ready for harvest.

Eating has not been good. Not horrible like binge eating but just unwise choices. 2 cookies when I didn't need any, eating 1/2 of a frozen pizza (like I always have) instead of eating just one slice and then having some fruit or salad or something. The good thing is that I haven't had pop since Tuesday. Water only for me!!!! :cheer: And that is a big deal as I'm not a big fan of water. Am hopeing that I will get used to drinking it during the summer, when it is fairly easy to get it down and then come winter it will be habit to reach for the water....wishfull thinking maybe?? Hope not.

A little worried about the scale and weigh in monday am. Scale has been up these last two days, well up from the last few days but about the same as Monday. I am reminding myself not to focus just on the scale that the workouts will be doing amazing things to me and my body, given time, but of course the scale is a big deal. but with the eating I have been doing won't be suprised if it stays the same. But I WILL NOT STRESS ABOUT THE EATING. I AM FOCUSING ON EXERCISING AND WHEN THAT IS IN PLACE, LIKE A HABIT, THEN I WILL TURN THE FOCUS TOWARDS EATING. ONLY ONE THING AT A TIME, TOO MANY CHANGES AS ONCE AND I WILL LOOSE FOCUS AND MOTIVATION----in caps so that I will see it when I come back and reread my posts! lol

Off to go bother others

Morning my friend,

Glad to read you are working things out. Learning about each other is an adjustment for all..........take things slow and easy and you will do fine. Glad to see you working out again. I am so proud of you, but I was dissappointed to read how tired you are. You need to be sure to eat right girl! You have to feed your body when you are working out. Protein feeds your muscles.........something you are going to develop by working out........! Try a protein drink or just add a bit more to your diet. Hope you have a good weekend. The sun is shining here............. I love it. Well hun gotta run. Sandi

No workout this am. Did do a short bout of cleaning which included a few trips on some stairs but not enough to really count.

Blue, thanks for the idea about the protein shake. I know I haven't been getting the correct nutrients as I have been eating porely. Think I will look for a shake today when shopping.

Could vent for awhile (and would be good for me to vent) as Jody upset me this am, but I really have others things I need to get done other than typing on the puter. So off to work after a quick visit to the aa thread

Well today was weigh in day and I'm not very happy with how it went. Weighed in before step class and scale was up from 272.8 to 273.6!!! Was really mad but also knew that I ate alot of foods w/ high salt content and this is the week for my monthly visitor so am trying not to stress about it. But it certainly doesn't make it any easier to drag my booty out of bed in the am!! Hope to see a loss next week. And yes I know that even if I don't lose I am getting healthier but I want to lose weight!! I did take measurements this am, although not formally and didn't write them down. Stomach, waist, butt, calves all lost. And one bicep lost while the thighs and one bicep stayed the same....gotta admit the one bicep thing threw me 8-| especially as I make a point to work both of them, but whatever. When I reach my 10% and my 30lbs gone then I am going to take my measurements again and write them down to compare to the beginning.

Chris left last night for his job in KC. Suppose to be a two week job but they will be home on Sunday's. so yea! At least will get to see him 1xweek. And it is much better than some of the guys I dated in the military when they would go out to the field for weeks at a time w/ no correspondance! Dakota cried when we said goodby to Chris and his family. About broke my heart to see my baby cry. He's certainly gotten attached to that family.

I even gave Jody a hug and told her I loved her when they left last night. Know that really shocked her, but had decided while she may be the time to yell and hollar and cry when she is upset, and in my mind make the problem worse, as far as I'm concerned it is just a small spat and nothing worth arguing over. So rather than wait until she has calmed down and feeling guilty, I'm just gonna act like normal. Don't know if that makes any sense typed, but I think I know what I mean.

Have also decided to quit my cleaning job. Now the problem is how to get ahold of the boss and tell her as she is busy feeding her harvest crew and their harvest last about 2 weeks....Maybe I can use my coffee break to run down to her office this afternoon. Have just decided that we may have to cut out some of our extra fun activites and dinner's out and such, but it will be worth it to free up that time for both family stuff and the ability to concentrate more on my mary kay. My mk has gotten better just this last week as I have taken time to talk to people about it more again. I have decided I will work until she finds another housekeeper so the pressure isn't off immediately, but I already feel better having made that decision. After all when I took the job I was telling myself about all the bills I could get paid off and all the savings I could build up and instead I have just over spent and used that to help recover from that...so obviously that plan didn't work! lol

Back to work

Good luck with the MK. I hear you can do really well selling it if you have the time to devote to it, so best of luck getting it up and running and profitable. I am confident you can do this girl. As for the gain............drink some water, then..........drink some more..........and just when you think you cant hold another drop drink another glass. You will be amazed at how a body holds on to every drop when we deprive ourselves of enough each day. Try this and check the scale again, you may actually be suprised.

Took Blue's advice yesterday and made sure to drink lots of water and weighed this am and scale was down. Will still wait for next monday to "officially" weigh in and hopefully note a differance.

Made it to exercise class this am. Wasn't too hard getting up out of bed, but man about 9am it's was like the sleep monster popped me upside the head and I'm having trouble holding my head up! Feel like I'm processing everything through a think wall of cotton, uggg! And totm is playing around w/ making it's appearance and that always pisses me off! Ya know it's a bad enough time of the month, let alone dragging it on. Let's just get started and get down w/ it already!! X-(

Okay enough complaining. I'm really not in that bad of a mood, just kinda cranky and tired. Tired of being tired if that makes any sense!

Nothing too exciting going on in my life. tonight is cleaning for my 2nd job and then housework and BED!!! I've been going to bed about 10, think I'm gonna aim for 9 and see if that helps.

Thanks for the encouragement Blue!! It means the world to me!

WTG GIRL! I am so proud of you for sticking with it and drinking that water, don't stop ! Make it a new habit, you will be very happy you did. It really helps the body flush all the toxins and fat from our bodies. Try a cup of camomile tea tonite maybe it will help you get a good nights sleeps so you wake refreshed in the morning! You are doing wonderful sticking with your workouts.........keep it up!

Made it to workout again this am. Tomorrow will be two weeks that I've made it to class all 4 days and gotten in at least 1 other workout. Know my workouts need to be 6 days/week instead of 5, but I'll take 5 for now. Maybe when they find my replacement at my 2nd job. But as long as I'm gonna spend all my saturday cleaning I'm not gonna bust my butt to try and fit in a workout too.

Nothing to report either. Guess I lead a boring life! lol Need to start recording my eating though. Have told myself I will start that at the first of July as that gives me 3 weeks to get into the exercise habit before I start focusing on something else. Taking it slow is what worked the last time, so here we go again.

Blue~ Never had camomile tea. What is it? Other than a tea..hehe I mean we drink alot of iced tea but that is about it for teas.

Well didn't make it to class thursday, didn't wake up until the dog got us all up at 7:25!!! Needless to say a bit late for a 6am class. And then last night didn't get to bed until after 11pm so didn't even set my alarm as I know what a mess I am if I don't get enough sleep. Am cleaning tonight and as stairs are on my agenda, then know I will get some of a workout in. Tomorrow am plan on working out before I go clean. It will be my last time to clean as she has found someone to start my job on monday. Man, take about an ego buster she found a replacement for me in less than a week :laugh: Guess that shows how irreplacable I am huh. Scale is still moving down, actually this am was down to 269, so hopefully if I can stay on track this weekend I will be at 269 come monday am (official weigh in day) and then I can start making actual progess and say goodbye (again) to the 270's! lol

Chris is due home saturday evening now instead of late that night :dance:

Am planning on cleaning my last two apartments saturday morning and then spending the rest of the weekend on family time, for the first time in a LONG time!!!

:1stprize: :up: :caf: :cheer: :dance: Just can't put in enough happy smillies! Weigh in last week was up 1lb to 273.8, blamed on tom and weigh in this am was....drum roll please.....268.0!!! I've lost the weight I gained when I started dating Chris and 1 more lb!! So I'm actually making postive progress again!!

Made it to class this am and made it a point to have time for breakfast (honey nut cheerio's w/ banana) instead of grabing something on my way to work. So am quite proud of how I have done today.

And D's piano teacher told me today that she and she mil, sil, etc. would like to do mk makeovers!! yes!! Will be my first class since the beginning of May!! New book gets mailed out this week to my customers so next week will begin calling them about it so hope that drums up more business.

Made it though the ball game last night. Man, do I ever hate ball season. Have to admit I think it is a boring game anyway, only made entertaning at all because of my darling son playing in it, lol, but what makes it even worse is that it is played during the summer and the awful heat!! Yesterday it was over 100 degrees and thank heavens that I didn't have to play in that heat, cause it was bad enough in the stands w/ no shade! :sick: Anyway enough complaining about that. Was so exhausted by the time I got home that didn't do anything other than talk on the phone and go to bed.

Did make it up for step class this am and sweated my butt off! Was a good workout. Tomorrow she said we would do circuit training...think I am happy about that. Unless she pulls out the jump rope :laugh: that thing kills me everytime. Hard to believe that as a child I would jump rope for HOURS! Guess I was in better shape as a kid then I thought.

Should mow the yard tonight but as this is to be the hottest day of the week, 103 is the expected high but figure w/ the heat index will be over 105, and Thursday is only suppose to be in the 80's, think Thursday is the day nominated to mow! lol Any excuse to put off yard work for a couple more days. Cleaning house tonight. Chris might be home tonight if not then tomorrow! Wasn't suppose to be home until saturday so yea!

Am swamped at work, so not alot of time to post. but did want to crow that I managed to cook dinner last night and then not eat anything else all evening!! Yea!!! And made it to class this am. We did circuit training and it was a blast!! And tried on my black jeans, haven't been able to wear for atleast 3 years, and they fit!! So wore them this am at work, but did change on my lunch hour as the jeans are really comfortable standing up, but sitting down they are way to tight on my thighs :laugh: but I can get them on and done up w/out sucking in...hehe

I've been reading your journal and I'm so inspired!!

Keep up the good work!

Thank you Chrissy! :hug: Today was a rough day due to several things and you don't know how much your words mean to me!!! That was just the boost I needed to stay on track!!

Happy 4th


Hope you are enjoying today! I am so thrilled about your loss, that is fantastic! Sorry not posting as much, just busy job hunting. The data entry work is not as dependable as I would like and our business is slowy phasing out so I am seeking an office job.......it's a good thing though. I always have worked at home so I could raise my children and I think something outside the house would be a good thing. Have lots of resumes out there now to get someone to call........! Have enjoyed my weekend I have had all of the grandkids over for at least one night! It is so cool.well gotta run, keep up the good w