I have this problem. I am so hard on myself on how I look to other people, especially girls. What makes me so mad about this is that I'm not hard on other peoples looks at all, just mine. I've lost so much weight and I'm still this way. I always thought I was so insecure because of my weight but thats not the reason. Ahhhh, I just don't know what to do.

Well... if you've spent a lot of time disappearing as a fat person it might take some time to adjust to the new thinner you. Its funny-- I'm saying that overweight people disappear (even though they're BIGGER)-- because most overweight people are reticent to 'appear' simply because they are so self-conscious. Its hard to wean yourself out of disappearing I think.

Start a little positive me 'talk'. Think about your good qualities (including being able to lose a lot of weight!) and what makes you happy. Treat yourself to a new outfit at this size if you can. Get together with friends and do something fun... maybe something you wouldn't have tried when you were heavier!

Ok I'm going to be more specific on this post. I feel that girls in general don't find me attractive and I know that most girls find confidence attractive. It's just really hard to be confident when I get a strong feeling that girls in general don't find me attractive. I am a very shy guy and if people don't talk to me I'm probably not going to talk to them. I feel that most girls don't give me a chance because I'm not attractive enough. I know I'm not ugly but girls more than likely aren't going want to talk to me based on my looks. I used to think if a girl didn't have any interest in me it was because of the weight but I'm finding out this isn' true. I just don't understand why I am so hard on myself.

Maybe they don't think you are very friendly, you said that you don't talk to others if they don't talk to you. Let your sense of humour show, care about others(ask them about themselves), get involved in some activities, show people how nice you are, do some volunteer work, etc, etc.

Oh, and update your stats, lol.

You can always leave it up to Crazy to sh*t a rainbow on your day!!!! That is why I love her so much!!!

She is right about putting forth a little more effort at being at outgoing and positive....

Take a look at my quote... You can omit the "feel less like killing them" - but keep in mind that smiling is contagious....

Try it for one day - smile at everyone you see - try killing people with kindness... it is catching!

I would also recommend taking five minutes every morning just to sit and observe everything that you have to be thankful for. I am not saying that you are ungrateful - but sometimes it is a great spirit booster to remind yourself how lucky you are. I know that doing this everyday really helps me and my ability to interact with people.

Hope this is helpful!! I am sure that you will do just great.

Well, shy guy-- its really less about how you feel-- than how you're interacting with gals.

See... its bad for women to be very agressive and show they're interested in you-- because that makes them look sort of predatory and puts their reputation as 'nice girls' at risk.

So... you have to make the first move... be friendly and confident... and you can date almost anyone you want. The prom queen too! A first move is sexy as hell... and puts us girls at ease to then return the interest.

(And if perchance the interest isn't returned, try another gal-- one of my business partners is not cute but dates models because of his sheer persistence at making the first move!)

LOL thanks issa, hmmm, I think, LOL

That is a good idea Soularized. My niece met her 'now hubby' on line also.

Thanks for all the replies :) . Yeah i do think people sometimes get the shy/a**hole confusion with me. That is they mistake my shy, quiet nature for me being an a-hole. I've tried some online dating sites like eharmony.com but when I live in suburban Oklahoma there isn't very many girls in my region to get to know. There was only one girl I matched up with in all of Oklahoma lol. I've tried thefacebook.com which is a network of college students but it always seems like I'm being creepy if I talk to girls on there like I'm stalking them or something. And all of you guys and my friends are just like "well your going to have to decide to talk to people" and its just not in my nature to talk to people the first time I'm around them if I don't know them. Like I'm always telling one of my friends, I only have one shot at a girl usually and more than likely I'm not going to make an impression on them because I'm so quiet and reserved. One shot meaning I'm probably not going to be around the person more than once and if I am it is too far and few between. Which comes back to me being insecure about my looks. If I can't catch a girls attention with my looks than I really don't have anything else.

Yeah I'm going to be a senior this year so taking a drama class isn't possible. My friends tell me to go to church or join a club if I want to meet girls. The only problem I have with that is that that would be the only reason I would do that which doesn't seem right to me. Not only am I a shy guy but I'm also a nice guy which as far as I can tell so far in my life girls don't find attractive. I'm sure there are a lot of clubs i could join on campus that I would actually be interested in for other reason but I don't know where to find a list of these clubs. I'm almost making it sound like I'm a recluse(sp) and I don't get out much but I do. I've tried going to the bars to meet girls but it just isn't a good place for me. I can't talk to girls cuz its to crowded and noisy. Ok I'm going to quit now cuz I think I'm starting to make less sense and probably just confusing myself and everyone else.

Hi Chuckles, have you had a bad experience to make you so insecure or are you just shy? I dont know much about teenagers, or guys with weight problems. I dont know many guys who discuss their weight issues, maybe you just need to get some things out in the open and find some of your good qualities :) .

Not really hurt. It's just one of those things that its hard to feel confident and feel only insecure when I have been turned down 3 times for dates this year. And my over thinking nature I just have to contribute it to the fact of what I look like and if they turn me down its cuz of what i look like. I wish I didn't and I'm trying to not look at it like that. Oh I'm trying so hard to be positive about this and realize I have so many other things to be thankful for in my life but this is so frustrating.

Hi there! I understand how you feel. I feel the same way sometimes. I am way hard on myself and always think that no guy would be attracted to a larger woman. Whatever my insecurities were I still got out there and found that many people are attracted to many different things. There will be a girl out there for you. Always remember to be yourself becuase faking it or being someone you are not would sabatoge the relationship in the long run. That way things can naturally click. I know in America we are taught no one can like you if you are not beautiful. One thing you can do is go to a dating site like match.com and you can meet people and get to know them by emails and such before meeting for a date... it worked for me :) . Jess

People tell me to be myself which I totally agree with and am. This is what sux about being a quiet, shy guy is that I'm supposed to approach girls which for me is very very hard. Its hard to do with anybody so with girls its just that much harder. I'm just not good at BSing with people. I have to have something to talk about. I can't just talk about nothing which is about the only thing to talk about when first talking to someone and I'm normally at a loss of words around someone new. And people tell me that like I said above "well I guess your going to have to decide to talk to them then" which goes against being myself. I've always been so patient about this subject and just tell myself to wait but no girl has come along yet and my senior year of college is coming up. Thanks to all who have replied. Any insight is good insight for me seeing a females perspective on this matter.

Hey Chuckles.

I had lost all my self confidence with girls when I gained weight. I felt so ugly and fat and I had no confidence to be able to go up and talk to girls. Now I see I took this too far and I shouldn't have been that insecure. But I was and I totally understand what you are talking.

My ex gf broke up with me 2 years ago after dating for 3 years and that is what started to cause me to put on weight. After being single for over a year and half, I wondered when I would ever meet someone where everything just clicked and that happened to me about 5 months ago and I am in a great relationship. So, my point is, I didn't put pressure on myself to try to find a girl and make a relationship, and I was patient and didn't force a relationship with a girl that I wasn't crazy about. My advice is to just be patient, and to work on getting your confidence up, because as everyone has said, girls love confidence and personality as much or more as looks. You will meet someone where everything just clicks and feels right.

-Adam

Hey Chuck,

Hang in there, you can build relationships with girls by being friends with them, just hanging out in the crowd. You might find that you are fortunate because some of the less 'desirable' girls will be drawn to the loud obnoxious guys, and the others will be much nicer girls. They will see your values and attitudes to people and be drawn to that.

You are almost done college, once you get out in the working world, you will be working with people and they will have more time to get to know you. It will happen, you are still very young, give yourself time to find out who you are too.

And those 20 pounds will have you looking sharp, and exercise will have you toned and gorgeous.

I know that is one of my biggest problem, I put too much pressure on myself. It' just that all through college, four years now I'm going to be super senior next year, I have been patient and nothing as happened. I honestly don't think any girls have been interested in me all four years. It's just so hard to keep being patient and let things happen like everyone says. I feel like I need to make it happen or it isn't going to happen. I wish I had a reason to not think like this but I don't. I'm slowly starting to think that I just don't have anything to offer a female. My personality certainly isn't attracting them and my look sure aren't going too. This is what sux so much about being a quiet guy, no girls recognize me or remember me. I don't even think I'm a blip on there radar. I just feel like if a girl liked me that I might change my mind about thinking this way. Then I wouldn't feel so worthless but I can't even get a girl to like me.

I know that is one of my biggest problem, I put too much pressure on myself. It' just that all through college, four years now I'm going to be super senior next year, I have been patient and nothing as happened. I honestly don't think any girls have been interested in me all four years. It's just so hard to keep being patient and let things happen like everyone says. I feel like I need to make it happen or it isn't going to happen. I wish I had a reason to not think like this but I don't. I'm slowly starting to think that I just don't have anything to offer a female. My personality certainly isn't attracting them and my look sure aren't going too. This is what sux so much about being a quiet guy, no girls recognize me or remember me. I don't even think I'm a blip on there radar. I just feel like if a girl liked me that I might change my mind about thinking this way. Then I wouldn't feel so worthless but I can't even get a girl to like me.

Well... I like you.. I think that you seem like a great guy - and don't take this the wrong way... but step back and take a look at the bolded above (from you last post).

you can't go one word without cutting yourself up. You may not be trying to convey that message - and I highly doubt you are - but when you feel this way about yourself - others are going to sense it.

Take a look at all those bolded sections up there - now honestly tell me whether or not you would want anything to do with someone if they came up to you and said those things - like I said - they don't have to even SAY them - if that is how they feel about themselves - you would sense it.

How about you sit there and give us a big huge list of things that are great about you.... I only know you through a few posts - and I can already name a few...

Give it a try.... give as many positives points about yourself as you can in a post.....

You are getting burried by your own self doubt.... There is a great person under there - they just need a little coaxing!!

Chuckles21

Okay you have lost alot of weight that is good for you. But sweety you can't be hard on yourself.. because that is not good for your heart having all this stress on yourself. You need to accept you for you and not worry what other girls are going to think about you. You need to focus on you don't care what others think you focus on your own body and I"m glad that you've lost weight that is an accomplishment for you. But insecure people need to look at the Big picture here. Chuckles you need to come to Grabs to what is really making you insecure and I think it is your weight that was making you insecure but you dropped the weight so now you need to work on recovering and finding the new you and your new personality and you need to build your Self-esteem because that is where insecurity comes from Low-Self-esteem and I know you can boost your self esteem I just know you have to courage and the determination to beat this Insecurity and show him who's boss

Keep your Head up Sweety 8-|

OK Chuckles, lol, here is some tough love for ya!!!! Stop the stinkin' thinkin'!!! Stop all the negative thoughts, and yes you can stop it. It definitely will not help you to do that to yourself all day, it will radiate from you and then you WILL NOT attract any nice women.

I finally descided that if I was going to be single I was going to be a happy single person, no one would feel sorry for me!!! And 2 years later I was married. Met a guy 9 months(no was not pregnant) before my 26th birthday and married 3 months later(no, still not pregnant, lol)!!! You may not want to do it that way, lol.

Just keep up with the great weight loss, be a happy or at least positive person, make a great career for yourself, get active, enjoy life. The will be very attractive.

I know I'm too hard on myself and that my personality is the best part of me. I just feel like it isn't even to get my foot in the door cuz I don't open up at first. I would prolly say that people that don't know me think I'm probably a pretty boring person because I don't talk around new people the first few times I'm around them even if I'm around a bunch of my friends. Its just who I am and has nothing to do with confidence I just don't like to open up to people I don't know yet. It's just so frustrating to ask a girl out and her say no(3 times this year) before I even have a chance to show myself. Once people get to know me they say a lot of times that I'm completely different than when they first met me. I know I should be happy and thankful for all God as given me but this is all that is on my mind. Why can't I find a girl? I dont know maybe I go about it the wrong way entirely.

Look-- you can't let 'no three times' hold you back.

One of my business partners who is not gorgeous and not charming-- asks a woman out every other day. Lots of them say no to him, but he still gets 1-2 dates a week.
Of course-- he usually doesn't get past the first date because he is immature and women can't stand that... but he still gets dates and company.

My point is... so next month ask 5 women out for dates. You might get one date out of it, and that will help you get over yourself. You gotta play to win, which means trying!

I like the idea of asking more out but every girl I ask out will be completely random and I prolly won't know them well or at all. It just seems like a girl would kinda want to know me. I've thought about randomly ask girls that I don't know out before( like a waitress or a cashier at a department store) but it seems like it could come across as kinda creepy. I've got some new classes starting in a week so that could be a good starting point. The last girl I ask I became friends with later and said she thought I was too aggressive for asking her out so early before I got to know her. Like I had been around her three or four times before asking her. And all I could think was "Too aggressive ?!? Thats the one word most people that know me and I wouldn't use to describe me. I'm so passive. Which kinda made me think that maybe I was. Basically I'm just really confused about a good way to go about this.

The trick is that some poeple would think it aggressive and some would not because everyone is different. Just do it and if they dont want to then its their loss. You are young, healthy, at a good weight so you have a lot going for you.... these are the days that will be the best of your life so just go for it. If you get turned down then so be it no biggie. I went on several dates a while back and some guys didnt like me and some did. I learned to let it roll off my back. There are millions of poeple out there and many choices so remember that. Jess

Chuckles - I just wanted to let you in on a little secret... :D

You said "I like the idea of asking more out but every girl I ask out will be completely random and I prolly won't know them well or at all."

The idea behind dating is "getting to know" someone you don't know that well, or at all....

Give it a chance.... :o

Chuckles,

I am always thinking of how I look to other people too -- especially girls!! LOL.

I have a boyfriend, so I don't really think much about what boys see when they look at me. But I am always paranoid that other girls (the gorgeous, perfect, super-thin ones, mostly) are looking at me and thinking how fat and ugly I am. Even though in my head I know I'm not fat or ugly.

I work on an all-male team (I'm a plumbing apprentice) and don't have much female contact. If I so much as see an attractive, slender woman in the grocery store, I automatically feel extremely defensive, like she's sizing me up and judging me. I guess maybe it's because I automatically judge all pretty/slender women to be catty, shallow, and judgemental. Even though I'm the one who is feeling *****y and judging them.

What's up with that? 8-|

Long time ago I weighed 120, now I weigh 175. I'll tell you right now I was even more insecure at the lower weight than I am now! Sad but true.

I grew up in an environment that promoted modesty. What I took from that was not to take credit for my accomplishments, which was bad for my self-confidence. I need to learn to take my pride in myself, what I do - even if I never express it out loud I need to own it internally.

There was a point in my life where I was terribly shy. I ended up getting involved in activities I became good at, and not only did that make me more self-confident, but I was able to talk to people about it easily. This is something you may want to consider yourself. Find some activities you are interested in and try them out. Stick with the things you like and you will probably gain more social interaction with people you will be able to relate to (including girls) and if you work hard at it you will get good which will improve your self confidence. Things like sports, hobbies, etc.

I agree with Sabrina and Nancy. Concentrate on being happy and doing things that you enjoy and give you confidence. A couple of other people said it too - being a happy person is a great aphrodisiac.

i think you're worrying way too much about this. being yourself is important but if you recognise that being shy isn't working then you may want to work on being less shy...

g'luck

Wow, so much to read, Chuckles. I never had a weight problem until almost 40. I was pretty and had any guy I wanted. I was not conceited, I still felt equal with everyone else, but I was shy...go figure. I guess I'm glad I was or I might have been puffed up about myself. At the time I'm not sure if I would have dated a fat man or not..no one ever asked me, in fact even thin guys who were close to me said later that they were afraid to ask me out, cuz they felt I was "above" them...their words not mine, I don't believe in that s*it. After being on this side of the fence, piece of cake, I'd date a fat guy. Looks were never important to me much anyway, I guess it's like money...if you've got it, you don't have to worry about it. It's what we don't have which we worry about, isn't it. Whether we admit it or not, the eternal quest seems to be for personal perfection...the impossible dream. I would like to see myself in the picture of the "irrestible force meets the immovable object". As in "I'll be dam*ed if I'm going to budge and get fatter and one day I hope I can turn it around and say, I'll be dam*ed if I will let obesity get me.

No, at 18 I would not have dated a fat guy (major fat),everything is so fresh and tender and new and we are all so insecure at that point. We latch onto anything we can find which says we are OK and it becomes looks, clothes, etc.

Hope I haven't gotten way off track. You take care. I know something you don't....You're OK just as you are.

BB