They say you have to hit your rock bottom before you are willing to change any behavior. Well, Saturday I hit my rock bottom. I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror and did not like the person who was staring me back. Those who have read my posts before know that I have inner demons that need to be dealt with and some day real soon I will start to get rid of all of those inner demons that have haunted me for years.

They say honesty is the best policy well for me that means admitting that every other time I tried to lose weight I gave maybe 50%. I wasn't doing it for myself but for everyone else. My first diet started when I was 12 years old and my grandmother ( my dad's mom) told me I would never be beautiful unless I was thin. Oh, I could be pretty but never beautiful. Nice thing to tell a child but that is another rant. I remember my high school years battling the weight. When I was a cheerleader I weighed 140 pounds, not really fat but not as skinny as the 95 pounds cheerleaders on the squad. While everyone else was eating hamburgers and fries, Dawn sat at lunch with a salad and a skim milk. I didn't gain weight but I didn't lose either. By the time I graduated high school I weighed 189. In college I did nutrisystem and lost weight, got down to 140 again but I lost in six weeks. Too fast and lost my gallbladder in the process and the doctor would not give me the okay to go back. Nutrisystem wouldn't let me return without a doctor's approval. So I went back to nothing and gained more weight. By the time I graduated college I weighed 230.

I got married in 1994 to someone I should have never walked down the aisle with. Hindsight is always 20/20. In 1995, after criticism from my hubby that I was and I quote "A FAT PIG." , I found the book the Carbo's Addict Diet. I did that diet until I could get below 189, like I was when I graduated high school. I went to LA Weight Loss centers for help and at first it was helping. I got down to 149 and got stuck. Then the self abusive behavior kicked in. I started cutting meals until I was eating nothing for three months and drinking only water. By the time, I was checked into an eating disorder hospital I was down to 95 pounds. My greatest accomplishment. I was thin.... But I couldn't stand on my own and struggled to find the will to live. I was slowly killing myself because my marriage was so miserable and my hubby was so mentally abusive that I would have rather died than be with him anymore.....

So the battle began to find the will to live and to fight the eating disorder which kept me from dealing with my life. It was so much easier to focus on food and weight then dealing with everything that was wrong with me and my life. So I struggled and took it one day at time. At one point in 1996 I stopped the starving and starting binging and purging and in late 1996 after collapsing at home realized I was going to kill myself if I didn't get this under control. I went back to the eating disorder hospital for outpatient treatment and in 1997 stopped binging and purging. I was in therapy and working on the problems in my life. In 1998, I left my hubby and started to build a life for myself by myself. In 2000 I celebrated 3 years of no binging and purging but in June 2001 after my dog died suddenly and my boyfriend dumped me, I started again. My weight was back up to 230. I decided to move to California, moved in with friends. My best friend can cook and my weight climbed to the highest it had been in years 308. I think I was trying to kill myself again this time by weighing too much.

I couldn't find a job and I think my weight was hurting me in my search. I decided to go back to school. I took the bus to get to work and school and the weight started to come off because I was working. I remember going to the doctor's and seeing the scale read 260. OH my goodness, I was losing weight without trying.... What a miracle.....Then I met Eric.... Eric knows I am not happy with my body and said I will help you stay on your diet. Since meeting Eric in January of this year I have lost about 25 pounds.

But my weight slowed in April 2005 when my eating disorder was reminding me it was there. Funny how He shows up at the most stressful times in my life. School was getting out and finals were kicking my butt and I was skipping meals again. Old bad behavior dies hard.

I have decided this time I am doing it for me. I have hit my rock bottom. First I will work on the outside of me, then if I need therapy again, I will be brave enough to realize that I am not less of a person because I need help. I am as strong as my recovery and right now I went recovery and freedom from the torture of my eating disorder gone. For too many years, I have wasted time on something that deserves none. Time to get rid of all the negativity in my life and make some positive changes. I will say I fear anyone that tries to get in my way this time. For the friends I have that are trying to sabotage me, your time draws near. To those that support, may you find the serenity that I have found in one day at a time.

Signing off,
Till next time.

Hi, Dawn. I read your first two journal entries and nearly cried, so much of it reminds me of my own desparate struggles. I have also hit rock bottom (actually, a few times in my life). I, too, did diets halfway, only giving like 50% before now.

I have struggled with weight all my life (many of your numbers correspond with similar times in my own life, like 140 in high school) and have had it really thrown in my face by people, some family. I also buried lots of emotional pain by eating eating eating, and like you said, dealing with the weight problems instead of the other issues.

Emotionally abusive relationships....dietary roller coaster....the haunts of eating disorders. I never got too skinny, nor did I purge so I can't relate to how hard it must be to deal with that. But I do feel my eating is, in a way, an addiction, and fear binging and overeating and seeing the scale go the other way again.

Dawn, I think it is a really good sign you wrote all of this. My 100% effort really kicked in when I started working all my emotional stuff out in my Diettalk journal, I really don't think I would have lost the weight I have already if it hadn't been for that important step. Emotions are so key in why I eat I just had to work them out to get my diet to work.

You have succeeded a lot in getting through all you have, you have not had an easy road. I truly believe you can do this, that you are on your way. Keep writing, I put stuff in my journal 1-4 times a day at the start. And I was finally able to close some chapters that had been haunting me and move on.

Great start to your journal! (Sorry you had to type this all out twice, wow...)

Dawn,

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and stuggles you have been through. I am so sorry that you did go through that and are still struggling today. I am happy to hear that you have for the most part overcome your eating disorders.

Have you ever read the book Running On Empty? Your story reminds me of this book, it is very informational, although I am sure you know everything in it, but it may be a good thing to read, since you can relate and see how others have overcame too. Just an idea, I know a book cannot do anything really, I dunno, again just a good book. It is a diary of a woman with anorexia and at times purged.

Good luck on your healthy weightloss!

Dawn,

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and stuggles you have been through. I am so sorry that you did go through that and are still struggling today. I am happy to hear that you have for the most part overcome your eating disorders.

Have you ever read the book Running On Empty? Your story reminds me of this book, it is very informational, although I am sure you know everything in it, but it may be a good thing to read, since you can relate and see how others have overcame too. Just an idea, I know a book cannot do anything really, I dunno, again just a good book. It is a diary of a woman with anorexia and at times purged.

Good luck on your healthy weightloss! Run,
I have never heard of the book Running on Empty but I will look into it. Thank you for the support. For me, the truth is more real when it is put on screen or in my words. The things I said in my journal I have never told anyone. Today, I opened a part of myself that no one has seen not even my family or Eric. I am afraid to show vulnerability to anyone for fear of rejection but sometimes you have to take a chance. I did that today. I sort of worked the fourth step and took an inventory of myself and asked for help with my imperfections. Thank you for your response.......

It is only 9am here and here is what I have had to eat for the day so far. I am allotted 28 points per day.


BreakfastBreakfast

3/4 cup of cereal
1/2 cup of skim milk
1/2 cup of watermelon
1/4 cup of blueberries
Total Points 5 points


I think that is a good and healthy start.....

Yes, it is a good healthy start. :) And I have said this before but will say it again, I admire your courage in sharing your inner self. It is hard to talk about what is inside of us and you have shown great bravery in doing so. :)

I have decided this time I am doing it for me. I have hit my rock bottom. First I will work on the outside of me, then if I need therapy again, I will be brave enough to realize that I am not less of a person because I need help. I am as strong as my recovery and right now I went recovery and freedom from the torture of my eating disorder gone. For too many years, I have wasted time on something that deserves none. Time to get rid of all the negativity in my life and make some positive changes. I will say I fear anyone that tries to get in my way this time. For the friends I have that are trying to sabotage me, your time draws near. To those that support, may you find the serenity that I have found in one day at a time.

Hi, Dawn, nice to meet you. And I am so glad you are working on becoming more healthy for your own sake. That's the only way to do it. Make your positive changes, take life one day at a time, and please smile along the way.

It's great that you have started a journal. You will find lots of helpful encouragement here at Diettalk. And if you need help with your eating disorder, get the help you need. No one, absolutely no one, goes through life without needing help of some kind or other.

Continue to think positive thoughts and enjoy this Fourth of July.

Good luck -

Yes, it is a good healthy start. :) And I have said this before but will say it again, I admire your courage in sharing your inner self. It is hard to talk about what is inside of us and you have shown great bravery in doing so. :) The only way for me to fight the inner demons that still haunt me is to give them a voice. To put down on paper what is bothering me. Eric and I had a serious talk this morning about why I haven't gotten rid of my bigger size clothes. He said I think you are afraid to let go of those clothes for fear that you will someday need them. Then He said you are never going to be that big again. It is a year since you lost 40 pounds and the numbers are going down on up. Trust in yourself that you will never be 308 pounds again. Let go of the negativity that finds itself in you. As I think of what we talked about I realize He is right. I am afraid, actually more terrified than anything else, terrified that when I get to that magic number( whatever it may be), I still won't be happy. Then what? The inner demons play the games they always have and yet I still participate in a small way in their games. When will I be able to be happy and free from the torture of trying to be everything to everyone. When will I be able to show the real Dawn to anyone. I have shared more about myself in this journal and on this site then I ever have to anyone in my life. I have the protective wall and many have tried to get through it only to find that there is another one just as large as tall as the one before it.

So I say to anyone out there listening, When will I be able to be happy????? When will I be able to look in the mirror and like what I see instead of thinking "Goodness, you are the ugliest thing in the world." When it comes to self-abuse I am the best I can be at it just like everything else in my life.

Signing off for now....

Hey, Dawn. I asked myself that same question not too long ago in my journal. At what point will I be happy? When will I look in the mirror and feel okay with me? I am still looking for my answer.

DT has been a good place for me because I've been able to share feelings that I have shared with no one else. And that has been an important part of my healing process. I hope you find it productive for yourself, too.

Keep it up, I think you're doing great!

Hey, Dawn. I asked myself that same question not too long ago in my journal. At what point will I be happy? When will I look in the mirror and feel okay with me? I am still looking for my answer.

DT has been a good place for me because I've been able to share feelings that I have shared with no one else. And that has been an important part of my healing process. I hope you find it productive for yourself, too.

Keep it up, I think you're doing great! Maybe it is time to pack all the clothes that don't fit anymore and give them to good will. I am sure there is someone who could use the clothes. I am going to go to an OA meeting at 12pm to see if I can get a little more positive today. Eric and I always have these serious conversations right before he leaves for work. LOL.. The local OA chapter is running a marathon from 10-4 today with speakers. I usually don't like speaker meetings but maybe I will learn something.

Hi Dawn,

Thank you for writing your feelings down. You have come so far from where you started. I feel that you will make it to happiness as soon as you give yourself permission to be happy. You don't have to be a skinny to be happy; you can be skinny and sad or fat and happy.

Have you heard the saying "Fake it till you make it"? Go ahead and look in the mirror and tell that person "I'm able to be happy". Then go ahead and try it on. How would you feel if you were happy? What would you do? How will happy feel to you? What kind of things would you say to someone you loved? Those are the kinds of things you could tell yourself.

I hope this helps you to start to heal your pain. You have so many people here on DT behind you. You are strong enough to share all these feelings with us all; I know you will be strong enough to do what you need to do.


Stay strong,


Kitty

Hi Dawn,

Thank you for writing your feelings down. You have come so far from where you started. I feel that you will make it to happiness as soon as you give yourself permission to be happy. You don't have to be a skinny to be happy; you can be skinny and sad or fat and happy.

Have you heard the saying "Fake it till you make it"? Go ahead and look in the mirror and tell that person "I'm able to be happy". Then go ahead and try it on. How would you feel if you were happy? What would you do? How will happy feel to you? What kind of things would you say to someone you loved? Those are the kinds of things you could tell yourself.

I hope this helps you to start to heal your pain. You have so many people here on DT behind you. You are strong enough to share all these feelings with us all; I know you will be strong enough to do what you need to do.


Stay strong,


Kitty You know you asked some really good questions and I really have no idea what I would say to any of those. I have been what everyone would call a negative person for so long, I don't know what happiness feels like, nor do I know what I need to make me happy. Sad but true. At least, I can admit that I don't know the answers to the questions but maybe I can begin to examine what I need to make me happy. I know I need to know I am loved, cared for, would be missed if I was gone and need attention. I am not sure if that answers your question or not. I didn't make it to OA after all, my best friend needed me to take her to the store. Someday soon, I need to learn to say no.


:)

Day Three of Weight Watchers not bad for July 4th Holiday!


3/4 cup of cereal (2)
1/2 cup of skim milk (1)
1/4 cup of blueberries (fresh) (1)
1/2 cup of watermelon(1)
Crystal light (0)

Total Points 5

Carrots about 1030am (0)
Water (0)
Total Points 0

Carrots about 1230pm (0)
Water (0)

Total Points 0

Plum at 230pm (1)
WW raviola (4)
Carrots (0)
Diet Coke with Splenda (0)

Total Points 5

Carrots at 430pm (0)

Total Points 0

Hamburger with bun at 630pm (12)
slice of dill pickle (0)
1/2 cup of canned peas (0)
ketchup (0)
1/2 cup of angel hair pasta with herbs (7)

Total Points 19


1 cup non fat frozen yogurt (2)

Total Points 2


Points for Today 31

28 for day and pulling three from the 35 given for the week. Down to 22 for the week!

Yesterday, I didn't post anything in my journal because I was not feeling right. Since I had that fainting spell yesterday, my mind was not as clear as it is today. I went to Weight Watchers tonight for my weigh in. I was feeling a little down and decided rather than sit at home, I would get a little motivation. The person who weighed me in was impressed by the fact that in 5 days I was down 3.2 pounds. She told me I would have reached the First 5 on Saturday at the rate I was going. I told her I would get there next week. I really liked this lady that hosted the meeting tonight, moreso, than the lady on Saturday morning. I just felt like she was fake or something. Probably me reading too much into it. Who knows? Right now I am feeling tired......I am waiting for Eric to come home so we can eat the beef stew I made from scratch. I am becoming a little Betty Crocker without the junk food LOL.

X-( My day has gone from bad to worse..... My coworker made a comment about my losing weight and how no one will find me attractive even when I get thin. I know really really nice. I went to Overeaters Anonymous to get out of this negativity only to come home to dinner burning in the oven. Lovely I know the end to a perfect day. Burnt meatloaf.... Have no idea what to have instead!!!!


Dawn

Today seems to be one of those days where emotionally I am feeling the stress of the world. I am not really sure why I am feeling that way. Nothing is really going on personally. Eric and I have been getting along better in our relationship. There were a couple of weeks back that I thought I might have to look for someone else because He was pulling away from me. Eric goes to therapy and I think his therapist must be telling him how good He has it because he has been more affectionate than he has been in a at least a month. He actually suggested that we play board games at night to have cheap fun. Money is really tight right now and we have to find cheap and fun dates to do. Eric's therapist must have told Eric to open up to me because I like how things are going.

But Eric is at work and I sit at the computer thinking about binging and why would I want to do that. I have to go grocery shopping for my Weight Watchers diet and I feel like I am a chicken without a head.

I will check in later.

:)

I think for me it is way to hide my real self. I have been doing it ever since I can remember trying to be everything to everyone. I strived to be perfect in everything I do and still struggle with this everyday. I am trying now to be good to myself (whatever that may be) without the need for perfection. But I have always been someone who worried and cares what others think about me. If they don't like me, it is my fault or I am a lousy person. It is never that they have issues themselves. I also have an illusion that thin people's lives are perfect. I know that is the eating disorder talking and I think a lot of times it is. It is reminding me that no matter when I am I am still with me. If you know what I mean. I suffer from depression and have in the past but I am so stubborn that I refuse to get the help I need. See my dad when I was in the eating disorder hospital in 1996-1997 said and I quote " Dawn is as crazy as my sister Diane." My aunt Diane is paranoia schizophrenia. To hear that I am as crazy as my Aunt who hears voices and talks to no one on the phone rips at the very soul of my being. I know that I would be much happier in life if I would go back on the meds but my fear is that I will never be able to come off. I know does a diabetic stop taking their insulin? No they don't, but there isn't a stigma to taking insulin as there is to taking anti-depressants. I am also afraid that I will gain weight going on an anti-depressant.


Fear keeps me stuck in the same emotional place I have been for a while. I am sticking to my food plan and going to Overeater Anonymous for support of my eating disorder. It has been letting me know it is around if I need it. I just don't want to go back to that way of life. All I cared about was food and weight... It was all I talked about and I see myself doing a little of that now. I spend so much time on food and weight..... For me, that is a dangerous thing and yet I do it, knowing all the while, I am setting myself up for a slip into the hell I came back from. I don't think I can pull myself back up from that place again. Mentally and physically I don't think I can handle it so I stay the course I am on knowing that the road I know for so many years still awaits for my return. I am scared and the fear keeps me doing what I think is the right thing but it could be too late already. I don't know if I would recognize the signs. I can't tell you when I crossed the line the first time, and I am so afraid of losing control of this battle.

I know give the eating disorder to the higher power. I struggle with this concept. I don't know why but I do. I believe in God but I don't think he cares what happens to me.

Hi, Dawn. I noticed you haven't posted in your journal for a while, hope all is going well and you are breaking through that plateau. I ended up with the flu ended up losing some weight (whether it was "fat" weight or not remains to be seen). It broke my plateau but now I'm afraid to get back on the scale to find out it isn't true after all! Think I'll wait a while...

Anyway, I am sorry to hear you have so many battles. I have been thinking so much lately that this isn't between me and my weight, it's between me and what is making me eat. I do know what you mean about having what people think affecting you so much. It's something I have a very hard time with myself, which is why I have that quote in my signature line. (And it's easier said than done - something I face each and every day.) Anyway, I hope you will continue your journey to find out more about who you are and to love and accept yourself for who you are. Just from DT I know you are strong and courageous to have come through as much as you have, you have showed tremendous kindness in helping others here, including me. While you are considering some of the negative stuff people have said about you, I hope you will also consider some of the good stuff, too.

I have been feeling very lightheaded for the past two days. It is making it hard to want to do anytbing because I am so tired and want to crash. I don't have a lot of points left for today. I ate a stupid yogurt for 6 points... what a waste of points. I am just feeling very lightheaded right now and I can't seem to find my blood sugar machine. I am on my cycle but this is just stupid. I was down last night 1.2 pounds but I don't want to feel like crap.



X-(

My flu started with a lighheaded feeling, do you think the feeling is diet related? It took me a few days to figure out what was going on.

I had some tomato soup the other day for almost 500 calories. What do they put in it for 500 calories? It tasted good but unless I lose my appetite again and need to sneak some kcal in, I won't buy it again.

My flu started with a lighheaded feeling, do you think the feeling is diet related? It took me a few days to figure out what was going on.

I had some tomato soup the other day for almost 500 calories. What do they put in it for 500 calories? It tasted good but unless I lose my appetite again and need to sneak some kcal in, I won't buy it again. Don't know

I woke up this morning and had to work overtime at work from 7am to 1pm. I had planned on stopping at McDonald's and getting a fruit and yogurt parfait for breakfast but for some reason, I couldn't find the address of the one right by my work. So I went to work with only a 2 point snack and 1 point bag of popcorn. Not Good! I stopped at Taco Bell on my way home from work and got a Double DEcker Taco which is 7 points. Total points so far 10 and I have 28 for the day.

Eric called my cell phone while I was in the car and I didn't hear it so I called him back while waiting in line for my prescriptions. He tells me the house is a mess. I worked 46 hours this week and he works 12 hours six days a week. It makes it hard to clean the stupid house..... We had this longggggggggggggggg discussion about how I need my own dresser for my clothes. We have been sharing one since I moved in with him in February. I know it is nothing personal but yet I feel like he was attacking me. I told him that I am doing the best I can under the circumstances.

We ended the call with him saying he has to go. Whatever. I have 16 days binge free but I am so upset with the whole situation of the clean house. He hurt my feelings.

Just read this, that sucks to have the added pressure when you're dealing with everything else. :( Hope it gets resolved and everything works out okay.

I have been binge free for 20 days and counting but I am finding that the darkness or negativity that has been my life for so long is right there. I am dealing with a bunch of crap (others call them feelings) that I really don't need to be dealing with. I have to admit I enjoyed the days where I was in a binge mood and the food numbed the pain away. The OA reading in the Just for today was about Pain and how lessons are learned from the pain. Really???? Not liking that idea too much. What I feel right now is that all these emotions or feelings are too much and I would love to open the refrigator and gorge myself on some food. I won't and the only reason I won't is because I don't want to go through this horrible stage again. I was told today that my eyes looked clearer than they had in a while. HMMMMMMMMMM. Not really sure what that means. I am just so frustrated. I think that Weight Watchers is causing me problems . I am eating alot of 1 or 2 points things but really no protein. I have been feeling like crap for two weeks. My stupid Eating Disorder is on my back again, reminding me that it is there should I need HIm. Of course I need HIM but I don't know if I have another starvation esipode or binge/purge esipode left in my body. I almost died last time. I think if I tried it again it would kill me. My perfectionism is getting in the way as well. I mean if I can't do it perfect then what is the point of doing it at all. I know the negativity. It seems to be my life. Or where I am today. I know tomorrow is another day and so on. But for once, I would love to not have a headache to feel good for one day and be comfortable with who I am or who I think I am.


I don't know who I am anymore. I was 308 Dawn and now I am 234 Dawn and I have no idea what that means.

Hi Dawn, I know where your coming from about the dresser situation! The FIRST time I lived with my now hubby, I didnt have a dresser, I didnt even share his, I had a old coffee table with crates on top, one for my socks and panties, another for shorts, one for belts, so on, so on! Then some bad sh** happened, stupidity on his part and parts :laugh: , and I moved out on my own again. That lasted over a year, finally he came to his senses and realized we should get married! After all I refused to move back in with him any other way, or without my own dresser! I'm trying to give you a little humor, maybe it will help! I am also a perfectionist, remember we have the same B-day, so I'm a virgo too! I get bad depressed some days! I dont even know why sometimes! I hope you get to feeling happier soon, you sound so sad. :(

I am pretty sad and not really sure what is going on. Being a perfectionist most of the time sucks. put too much pressure on myself for everything. It is a little silly but it is how I have been my whole life.

Dawn,

please try not to beat yourself up .... its ok to have standards for yourself .... but ...think of how far you have come ...
you are a STRONG WOMAN! ... you are an inspiration to somebody like me who is trying so hard to lose like you have !

I HOPE that you can do something or talk to somebody, or whatever to help you feel better .... I hope you start feeling better :)

Dawn,

please try not to beat yourself up .... its ok to have standards for yourself .... but ...think of how far you have come ...
you are a STRONG WOMAN! ... you are an inspiration to somebody like me who is trying so hard to lose like you have !

I HOPE that you can do something or talk to somebody, or whatever to help you feel better .... I hope you start feeling better :) I did have a good thing happen today. I weighed in at Weight Watchers and my weight was down 1.2 pounds. That brings the grand total of weight loss up to 75 pounds and 5.6 pounds in three weeks. I think that is good since I went to weight watchers with about 70 pounds lost.


:)

I didn't realize it had been ten days since I had posted in my journal. Avoidance can be a beautiful thing. Today I celebrated 30 days binge free. Since I am not using food as a escape from the real world my emotions are at an all time high. When I feel something, I feel it 3 times as I would if I was using food. I accepted my token of thirty days at Overeaters Anonymous today at 900am and I couldn't share anything about how it has been because the meeting I was at required 6 months of abscience and you had to be maintaining a normal or healthy body weight. I was a bit upset by that so I stayed for two OA meetings after that to voice some feelings I was having.

Dawn,

30 days binge-free is a real achievement! I know what courage it takes to face feelings, not dull the feelings with comfort food. Kudos to you - 30 days binge-free and losing 70 pounds is positively :super:!

Hope some of the other stressors you've been dealing with will work themselves out. That little eating disorder devil may always be lurking, ready to whisper in your ear, but at least you've shown yourself that you do have the power to be stronger than "him". Hang in there. {{{hug}}}