I have a birthday coming up this week and it is about time I REALLY faced reality. I am not beating myself up, but I AM FAT and UNHEALTHY. I NEED to find a out of this hell, I haven't felt much like talking lately, but I will post weekly.

Peng, first of all happy early birthday. No more beating yourself up, you may be "fat" and unhealthy, and in order to stop beating yourself up, you will lose weight. Your body will appreciate it, adn I know you can do it.

Thx Elsie for your words of support.

I came across this in a self care newsletter I subscribe to. A bit long, but worth the read.
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Self-Care vs. Selfish

I wish I had a dollar for each time a woman has asked me, "But how will I know the difference between being selfish and taking care of myself?" I've often replied, "If you are asking, you probably don't have a problem. It is the women who don't ask that need to worry, the women who don't listen to the subtle and not-so-subtle signals from others and from themselves that they need to share or compromise or consider the needs of those they love.

But this answer wore thin over the years because it wasn't enough. This is an abiding and widely held fear, the fear of wanting, asking for, taking too much. We all know selfish people and they are nasty to work or live with. Then I read Geneen Roth's gem of a book, When You Eat the Refrigerator, Pull up a Chair. In it she has a grand list detailing the difference between Self-Indulgence and Self-Kindness. Here is my riff on her list.

SELFISH
Continuing to do what is painful, harmful, or a shadow comfort after you realize it is not serving you and continuing to do what is harmful to you and then beating yourself up afterwards.

Pushing yourself relentlessly, always being hard on yourself, always putting yourself last, and imagining this the best path to getting your gifts out into the world.

Getting lost in fantasies about how great your life is going to be or how much easier your job will be when happens because then you will be able to.

Not asking for help when you need it or thinking that help is for everyone else but not you.

Making weak or unclear requests. "Um, it would be great if sometime you could um help me with the um weekly report. Not that I can't do it myself because really I can..."

Believing you have to have all the answers, especially as a leader, boss, parent, or teacher.

Breaking the commitments you've made to yourself or never renegotiating your commitments when you see they aren't working.

Believing motivation by guilt and obligation or a belief you are the only one who can do something is better than giving and serving in ways that delight and feed you.

SELF-CARE
Replacing what is harmful to you with what deeply, honestly feeds, strengthens, and inspires you.

Treating yourself like the one-of-kind resource you are--a resource and miracle that must be cared for in order to allow the innate intelligence of the universe to shine through you.

Defending yourself against anyone who attacks you--including yourself while (trying!) to keep an open heart.

Telling the truth, especially to yourself. Experimenting with telling the truth even when that means saying, "I don't know.

Saying no to what drains your energy or makes you feel ashamed, lonely, or icky even if that means changing or going against "the way things are" or "the ways things always have been." (Somebody had to bring down the Berlin wall.)

Resting when you need rest (even if it seems like too much or too often or who are you to rest so much?)

Trusting that there is a good reason for what you are doing, even if you aren't sure of it in the moment.

Setting aside time to reflect and review your life regularly--even daily.

Having self-care rituals and practices you can pick and choose from depending on your needs.

Honoring what you can't help but give the world; seeing it as valuable even if it is easy.

Inviting pleasure and sensual expression into your life.

Remembering daily you are an expression of Spirit and thus are made of and supported by Spirit; you are never alone.

Hi Pengwyn: THAT ARTICLE IS SUPER...AND SO TRUE AND SO THOUGHT PROVOKING AND DEEP Thanks for sharing it...and I am so hapy to see ya back here...Keep coming back..We love you..

Louise

Thanks for caring Louise - I needed that.

That is an atricle, and it can really make your think. I know so many people feel sorry for themselves and their situations and may think they are selfless to find out they might be selfish --well by some peoples standards--

Peng its good to have you back. I have always had faith in you

Nice to have you back Pengwyn!!!

Happy Birthday Diann!!!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v67/nannerbanner/13_10_21.gif

Hope you have a terrific day!!!

Wishing you :bell:
A

Very Happy Birthday :bd :balloons: :cake:

DIANN :cheers:

I am as always, Monica

WB! And thanks for sharing that article, it's great. You can do it but you gotta quit beating yourself up. Keep your chin up!!

Thank you all for dropping by and for the birthday wishes. Much appreciated.

I think I have reached a new level of self-pity and denial. When am I going to learn this lifestyle I am living is literally killing me? I have reached a new high with my weight and a new low emotionally.

One thing I have learned is that food does not fix my problems but unfortunately it does feel good when I am overeating. It is my drug of choice.

I am going to consider OA.