I was raised by a woman who thinks weight is a sin.

Not a minor sin, either - in our household, being overweight was right up there with thievery and arson. Worse, even. Come to think of it, the one time I was caught shoplifting (during my experimental anarchist phase) I experienced less judgment than any time I can remember when I gained weight. My mother is the type of person who looks at Calista Flockhart and says, "She could stand to lose a few." My mother looks at pictures of Gelsey Kirkland during her worst anorexic phase and says, "Oh but she looked GOOD. What's the fuss about?"

GOOD being the key word.

If you met the WASPy body ideal, you were inherently good. If you didn't, you could do no good. Might as well burn down the supermarket and torture kittens, dear, because there's no saving you at that weight.

I spent six years in classical ballet training. My weight was my worth there, too, but at least I can understand the method behind ballet's madness. Their ideal has a purpose. Unfortunately, their purpose had no room for someone built like me. I had talent and technique, but by the time I was 12 it was apparent I was developing in the wrong direction. Matter of fact, I was developing in all the wrong directions. I had honkers by the 8th grade. My tutu privileges were revoked. My mother tried not to die from shame.

Fast forward to university: my weight obsession has spiralled. I have to borrow my boyfriend's lecture notes because on the paper where I should have been scribbling facts and concepts, I have filled the page with columns of numbers. They are my calorie calculations. I have to calculate and re-calculate in case I missed something that passed my lips, or in case I underestimated the kilojoules required to burn off half an apple. Half a medium apple or half a small apple? Calculate both and take the worst case scenario. In the mornings I need aspirin and coffee to calm the pounding in my head. A night of bingeing and purging, followed by half a box of laxatives and some diuretics, will do that to you. Unless it's a morning after a successful day of starving, and then I have to take the aspirin anyway because my joints ache so bad. Even my elbows are starving. My doctor gets me into an outpatient program at a local hospital so I can receive treatment without taking time off from school. When the laxative abuse stops my body fights for equilibrium and I temporarily puff up. My mother says I should be in a diet clinic, not a hospital program if it's going to make me fat.

Fast forward again: I am out of school and my first partnership has failed, spectacularly. I'm devastated - financially and emotionally. I develop ulcers and insomnia. I lose about 15 pounds in a very short time, just from stress. My mother tells me I look great. She hopes I'll keep it off. My ex-boyfriend feels the same way.

Message: I am worthwhile when I am thin. Weight is not a number, it's a measure of the person carrying it. Excess weight (even in the places some people find attractive) is not a simple matter of body structure and an energy in/out equation. It's not a minor, fixable, controllable part of a person's life. It is a person's life. It is a stain, a Scarlet Letter written in cellulite, and a signal to the rest of the world that you, madam, are contemptible. No diet in the world can fix that. The stain's too deep.

So at some point, I gave up. To the tune of 50 pounds. See? I'm fat. No point fighting the truth, embrace it. Mom was right - I'm a walking horror show. A 21st century Quasimodo. Feel free to put me last. I do.

I look back at photos now and realize that, with a few exceptions, I wasn't fat. Not fat in grade school, not fat in high school, not fat in university, not fat in my twenties... Not skinny as a rake, but not a flesh heap, either. But I believed I was fat, and that belief shaped a large part of the way I viewed myself and my place in the world: my weight is my worth. And my worth increased and decreased with my jeans size.

I'm not listening to that lie anymore. I'm throwing it out. Along with a few other whoppers I swallowed hook, line and sinking feeling.

I'm taking back the controls. I'm taking back my life.

Weight is just a number, and it's something I can manipulate as easily as energy in/out. There is nothing - NOTHING - more to it than that. From now on, I'm keeping my waist measurements separate from the way I measure my self. Heck, I might even buy a new tutu. :)

Anne,

Excellent report, and so sorry for all the 'crap' you had to take from your mother and others. It is great to see you looking back at those pictures and realizing the truth of your past!!! The is a huge step for anyone.

I look forward to reading more. :)

Hey Nancy,

Yup, it's an eye-opener (and mind-bender) to look back and see photos of how you were, not how you thought you were. Now I just have to learn how to see myself in the moment.

Btw, I read your journal a while ago and meant to comment on the photos of you and your daughters. Looks like you are blessed with a terrific family!

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the good wishes. :)

Recently, I was knocked flat on my tush by some medical concerns. It's good to look on the bright side of things, and the bright side of being knocked on your tush by medical concerns is that it gives you a free pass to lie on the sofa and indulge in guilty pleasures like gossip rags and daytime television.

Quite frankly, between how I was feeling and how the meds affected me, gossip rags and daytime television were about all the intellectual stimulation I could handle, and even then it was a struggle. A paragraph about Paris Hilton's latest wardrobe malfunction may as well have been War and Peace. But I had some moments of clarity.

One of those moments coincided with a show (it could have been Oprah, it could have been... Dr. Phil?) which featured a woman who lived in the dirtiest house you've ever seen. I'm not talking messy. I'm talking grand champion, gold medalist of the Filth Olympics. Rotting waste in the foyer. Maggots in the kitchen. A shower stall encrusted with dog poo (she said it belonged to the dog, but I'm not so sure). Now the thing is, the woman herself was quite presentable, well-educated even, and the house wasn't in a slum. She'd paid good money for that dump. So what would drive her to live in such squalor? Martyr syndrome? Advanced schizophrenia? Dirtophagia?

The diagnosis was perfectionism.

She of the poo shower and mold-infested cutlery was classified as... a perfectionist.

Huh?

I thought the meds were causing me to hallucinate, but after the commercial break (no, I don't remember the ads - but I hope they were for cleaning products!) a behavioural psychologist (or Jungian analyst or aura reader - I wasn't paying attention) explained that the woman's problem stemmed from a crippling need for housecleaning perfection. If she were to clean a glass, it would need to be cleaned perfectly, and as she was so terrified that she couldn't do it perfectly, she couldn't bring herself to do it at all. She would think about sweeping the effluvia from the laundry room floor, and she would be seized with an overwhelming fear that the sweeping would not be impeccable, irreproachable, letter-perfect. So she would give up before she even tried.

I realized I have her problem.

Not the part about the dirt - don't worry, my kitchen is maggot-free - the part about a distorted sense of perfectionism that causes you to stop before you even get started. For the woman on the television show, this distortion led to a pigsty. For me, it's led to about fifty pounds of fat and a strong, able body that's been sorely underappreciated and underused.

When I'd imagine getting down to a better weight, a little voice inside my head would whisper, "But are you going to be the thinnest? Not thin, perfectly thin? And are you going to starve the rest of your life to stay that way? Not a dieter, the perfect dieter?"

When I'd imagine starting back on a fitness program, or going back to dance class, the little voice would whisper, "But are you going to be the fittest? Not fit, perfectly fit? Are you going to be the best student in the studio? Not a student who's trying and enjoying, but the perfect student?"

I know where this voice comes from. She's a relic from my upbringing, in which it was impressed upon me that if you're not going to be the best at something, don't bother at all. You're just wasting everyone's time.

Are you sure you can be perfect at this? Because if it's not perfect, it's not worth it.

That's a damn lie, and I'm throwing it out. I have permission to lose some weight, even if I still don't fit into a size 2. I have permission to do a ronde de jambe, even if my jambes ain't so very balleterrific anymore. Exactly WHO is going to arrest me for this? The little voice? Sorry, she's been exiled to Siberia, where she can obsess about building a perfect yurt and starve to her heart's content. So, who else? Some random strangers on the street? Go on, call the perfection cops. I dare ya.

I've been having a good time since I tossed this lie. It's only been a couple of weeks... wait, no, not ONLY a couple of weeks. Not JUST. Not ONLY. No modifiers. It's been a couple of GOOD weeks with eating well and exercising. Not eating perfectly (whatever that means), just well. Not fooling anyone that I'm Karen Voight, just doing well with my fitness commitment.

Not perfect. Just me. That's perfect enough. :)

Oh Anne, you are doing so well with overcoming those voices of the past, wow!!!

But I have a great link for you, check out flylady.net, she talks about exactly what you were talking about!!!

Well, keep up the good work!!!

:wave:

really good reading, perhaps because I can identify with alot of what you say. Especially the all-out, balls out (or none) approach that you talk about. Been there, done that. At a certain point (so says my therapist) *being* should be good enough; it's not about the past voices dictating ridiculous things, it's about putting on the tutu and dancing because the music moves you and you love the feel of your body moving.

Keep discarding those lies!!!

wow Anne..you have an incredible gift with your writing..i will keep reading as i have learnt alot already just reading the couple of posts you have made here in your journal.
perfectionism is something i too deal with..i am an all or nothing type person..i am my own harshest critic..that can be very hard to overcome.
i will keep reading ..
hugs bell :)

Hey you guys - thanks for dropping in! Makes the place feel all homey. :) Feel free to put your feet up and have some iced green tea. I'd offer some snacks, but that seems evil on a diet forum...

Nancy - thanks for the link to FlyLady! I LOVE it! She's got some principles I can apply to my office (a.k.a. The Cavern of Despair). I could apply them to my husband's office, too, but I'm not supposed to go in there and "mess things up". What he means is, "go in there and see how far behind he is in the filing". :laugh:

Bell and Jessica - it's good to hear from others who are recovering from the perfection bug! I especially like the quote from the therapist about just being. I guess if we're going to be our own harshest critics, then it's good to have a place like this where we can be each other's cheerleaders.

Hope everyone's well. Have a FANTASTIC Friday!

I remember when the first Star Wars movie came out. I was about eleven years old, and I was blown away. The excitement! The danger! The buns on Princess Leia's head! I hadn't yet learned the mechanics of plot and narrative, so every time Darth Vader or his Storm Troopers showed up, I was convinced that was the end of our heroes. "Oh my god, they'll never survive!" Of course it wasn't the end... Luke found an escape route, or Hans figured out how to jam the trash compactor. But to me, sitting on the edge of my theater seat, it sure felt like the end.

I've since figured out that heroes aren't killed off in the first half hour, and you don't ruin a good franchise by finishing the entire story in one episode. I know this about movies. Apparently, I don't know this about real life. I have a habit of mistaking a snafu or setback for The End.

Yesterday, I had a minor screw-up. First, I didn't plan my meals at the beginning of the day, so I didn't have the "road rules" outlined in my head. Second, I'm at that wonderful time of the month when my fingers swell, my pants are too tight, and Mother Nature tells me to eat everything I can get my hands on. Sweet, salty, starchy, greasy... yes to everything!!! So after lunch I found myself getting into my husband's jellybeans. And I do mean into them. Then I had a couple of his ginger snaps (just A COUPLE, I swear!). Then I had some cheese... Help me, Obi Wan!

This was it. The End. Diet Darth Vader had entered the room. His Storm Troopers had breached the calorie deck. And they were all waving their light sabres at me like a dozen buttered baguettes.

Clearly, all was lost.

I heard a familiar script running through my head, and it wasn't the one written by George Lucas. This script was written by a nasty little shrew (hey, I thought I sent her to Siberia?) and it goes like this: Well, that's it. You spent the past few weeks working out and eating right, and now it's ALL BLOWN. Blown to hell! Just forget it. You had that first jellybean, and that first jellybean was the last day of the rest of your life. Go on and have the rest of the ginger snaps and forget about your workout. Make three bowls of popcorn and order pizza for dinner and lie on the couch. It's a write-off. That's it. We're doomed.

I had taken off my aerobics shoes and was reaching for the popcorn bowl when something stopped me. Something just... snapped. Enough. I turned to face Darth and his troopers, who were making a real mess with those baguettes. I clamped my hands over my ears to silence the voice in my head, hoisted a barbell, and screamed, "Everyone out! OUT! And take those baguette crumbs with you! I'm not having any more of this! I'm not scared of you, Diet Darth, or your calorie troopers. And I'm not listening to this damn script anymore! You know why? Because it's written around a bald-faced lie, and I'm smashing that lie with this barbell! THE FORCE IS WITH ME! ME, I TELL YA!!"

Then I grabbed my aerobics shoes and a water bottle, and stalked out of the room.

I had a good workout. A bit more thirsty than usual from all that sugar, but no problemo - I can sip and mambo at the same time. Then I passed on the popcorn and instead made a nice, healthy salad to have with my movie. No wine, either, just some lemon water. Two bites of cake for dessert, not a whole slice, just like I've been doing lately. I stretched out and thought about how good my muscles felt from exercising, and how, despite Diet Darth's best efforts, all was definitely not lost.

I know this now: You don't kill off your heroine in the first three weeks of her journey, and you don't ruin a good lifestyle by finishing the saga with a handful of jellybeans.

May the force be with me. And with you, too. :)

Wow. I love your journal. Not only is the way you write extremely entertaining, but i identify with so many of the things you've been through. My mother is much the same (ex-model turned 300 pounder) and obsessed with my fat, and I also quit ballet because I was "too fat". Like you, I remember thinking I was soooo fat. I went home a couple of weeks ago and got hold of some of my old ballet photos. My knees were wider than my thighs! Boy do I wish I was fat now the way I was "fat" then.

I also love the Star Wars analogy. Diet Darth is certainly a great name for whatever it is that kills the diet. Good luck with your diet and exercise war. The force is strong in you! :laugh:

Welcome, Roz! Make yourself comfy. Would you care for some ice tea?

Wow. Ballet and an ex-model mom would be a wicked combo. I'm sorry you went through that. Glad you were able to see the photos recently, and realize you WEREN'T fat. You were probably gorgeous, like all girls are. :) Hope you can get back on track, minus the confidence-killers.

So... Cape Town, eh? I'm dying to visit that area. Everyone tells me it's breathtaking. Lucky you!

The weather was beautiful yesterday, so I took me and my extra weight for a wee hike up the local trails. Not to the top of the ridge (baby steps! baby steps!), but high enough that my leg muscles were firing and my torso was working overtime and my lungs were feelin' groovy. And to think this used to be an average walk for me, about 8 months ago. You can lunge and squat and plie all you want, but nothing gets your butt in shape like a mountain trail.

I haven't worn those shoes for a while, so I wasn't surprised at all the blisters. BIG blisters. Blood blisters, too. That's what I get for not putting in a fresh pair of sports inserts. I was shocked by what I saw when I got in the shower: a huge, oozing welt on the inside of my right upper arm. The left arm had a similar mark, just not quite as bad. I almost fainted when the water hit it, and then I almost jumped out the window when I tried soaping it.

Realization: I have so much blubber that my arms can't pump for an hour without my sports bra eating into them.

MY BLUBBER SPILLETH OVER.

What came next was even worse. I asked my husband to help me put a bandage on it. We got out the extra-large bandaids (it's a BIG welt), but the girth of my upper arms is such that even the extra-large bandaid wouldn't cover the welt. The only thing we could do was wrap my arm in gauze and tape it in place. Let me repeat: THE BAND-AID DIDN'T FIT.

Let's all sing together now: I'm not stuck on Band-Aid brand, because Band-Aid's too small to stick on me!

Hello, weekend. I am walking around with a gauze armband, like some sort of mummy-in-mourning. There's blood on my sports bra. My blubber hurts... If this doesn't motivate me to get the weight off, I don't know what will.

I could always make excuses for a tight waistband or snug shirt (the dryer shrank them! I've got pms!). But when I'm attacked by my own sports bra, well, that's when it's time to get real. And it's not like I can press charges against my bra - it was just trying to dig its way out from under the blubber. Clearly, an act of sports-bra self-defense.

Come to think of it, digging my way out from under this blubber is my own act of self-defense, and self-preservation. Minus the welts.

Hey Anne.

Yes, Cape Town is a stunning place - a little hot though. Thanks for the tea!
By the way, are you a writer?

I am cracking up reading this journal. You have such a creative way with words. I know what you mean by looking back at old photos. I was always overweight. According to the guidelines years ago I was only able to get to 20+ the weight I was supposed to be. It seemed so unfair. Later the weights changed, but I changed, too. I was heavier and then realized the weight I had been for so long was IN RANGE! X-( When I talk about my "heaviest weight" back then, I think now "If I only weighed that much now!"

I enjoy reading your accounts and how you put yourself with your words. The sports bra attack and Star Wars scenerio are really neat. Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Soak those blisters!

Roz - the Cape Town heat wouldn't bother me, in exchange for the lovely surroundings. Heat, I can handle. But cold kills me.
I used to write copy for a living, but as my young nephew points out, "That's not really writing. Like a Harry Potter book or a movie." :laugh:

Susan - Welcome! Pull up a seat and have some ice tea. :) I know what you mean about those weight charts. I always weighed heavier than I looked (though I'll concede that at the moment I look pretty heavy, no matter what number is on the scale). Perhaps we share a gene for big bones and strong muscles? Maybe it's because our hearts are so big? We're full of goodness and light? :D
Btw, your journal is an inspiration for lazybones like me. I marvel at what you accomplish in a day...

Anne,

sounds like you are doing good, well mummy wrap and all. I am thinking that your babysteps were not quite baby enough. Be careful out there!!!

An insane number of people report to my husband at work. He uses an org chart to keep them all straight - it looks like a giant game of Snakes & Ladders, with dozens and dozens of little boxes connected by dots and lines, all leading upward in a jagged pyramid to the top square. That's him. He's the top square. But then his boss has another org chart where my husband's leaves off, and so on, and so on. I think it ends with the CEO, but I could be wrong. God might have a square, too.

I tell my husband to enjoy his org chart while he's at work, because when he gets home he's back down in the trenches with me and the dogs. No pyramid scheme at our house, thanks very much. We're an autonomous collective.

You see, when it comes to social situations and human matters, I think of the world as a circle, not a ladder or pyramid. No one gets over someone else because they have a bigger job, or bigger salary, or more fame, or fewer wrinkles. We're all different, but we're all equal. Each brings something different to the table, and each has her rightful place at it. I don't hold the door open for you because you're my superior. I hold it open because you're there.

I think this is a pretty good way to look at the world. There's just one problem: I realized the other day that I don't believe it.

Oh sure, I believe it about everyone else. You're all gorgeous, you're all equal, you're all worthy, you're all in the circle... I just don't believe I'm in there with you. Or, rather, I'm in there to certain varying degrees, depending on how far up and down the scale my little square has moved.

I had this revelation when I was picking out something to wear for a walk with my husband. It was sunny and I thought a tank top would be good. Then I stopped myself. You can't wear that, you're too heavy. No matter that plenty of other people of all shapes and sizes wear tank tops when they want to keep cool and get a little sun. That's fine for them. But I can't. I don't have permission to wear what I want unless I look good.

I'm not high enough up on the org chart.

This got me wondering about other parts of my life. I started thinking about the times I've held myself back because I felt my weight made me subordinate. I can't go into that store looking like this. I can't go to her party in a size 16. I can't sign up for that kayaking trip when I'm this weight. Note these weren't physical limitations I was worried about - these were social limitations I'd placed on myself. I'd demoted myself, based on my weight. I would only get a promotion when I'd lost some pounds.

What's worse, I started thinking about the way I hold myself back in terms of how I interact with others - not just whether I'll go to her party wearing a size 16, but how I allow her to address me when she calls with the invitation. Not just whether I'll go into that store looking like this, but how I expect to be treated by the staff if I do venture in. When I'm at a "good" weight, I face people - and the world - head on. I'm not worried about kowtowing. I'm at the table with them, not on the lower rung of a ladder looking up... which is how I behave when I feel my weight makes me deserve a lesser place in the world.

I thought about all of this while I walked with my husband, wearing my big, loose t-shirt instead of the tank, and jog pants instead of shorts (chubby knees, you see). And after I'd thought for almost a mile I stopped in the middle of the track and said, "This is ABSURD!"

My husband stopped beside me and said, "What's absurd?"

I pointed to my t-shirt, and yelled, "This! THIS is absurd!"

"Uhh... looks okay to me."

"But I wanted to wear a tank top!!!"

"So why didn't you?"

I told him what I'd been thinking about, and how I'd bought into this notion that my place in the world is determined by this sort of weight-controlled org chart, on which my relation to others is gauged by how much I weigh, right down to whether or not I'm "allowed" to wear a tank top. How my square moves up the ladder as my weight moves down, and vice versa. And how I give others power and control over my self-concept, accordingly. "But the thing is, honey, I just realized it's a LIE! It's a lie I made up, and it's a lie I can toss out."

He laughed. "Well of course it's a lie. What happened to the autonomous collective?"

I've been practicing this new attitude for the past few days. It's a bit scary, to tell the truth. I'm not sure what I think will happen to me - probation? pink slip? - but I'm doing my best to remember that the only boss I have is me, and the world is not an org chart. We're all just seated at a table, and I have my place along with everyone else. My weight is my business. My life is my business. If you want to run a business, it won't be mine. Run your own.

It looks like the sun might come out this afternoon. I think I'll try on a tank top and walk down to the post office. I won't be hiding from anyone, so if you see me there, be sure to stop and say hi. I'll hold the door open for you. Not because I have to. Because you're there, and because I want to. :)

Hello Anne,
I love your journal. You should definitely consider writing a book based on your weight loss efforts.
I too found myself in the same situation... at the gym... in heavy sweatpants, nearly PASSING OUT from the heat 15 minutes into exercising. I thought, yes, this IS ridiculous but I can't go to the gym wearing anything exposing even PART of my legs.
I too put myself on a lower rung. I act shy and at a loss for words when I am "heavy." But when I'm fit I act with confidence.
I am going to throw out these lies too.
You are such an inspiration.
Pass me some of that green tea, please. :)

-Tara.

Sara,

You are such a breath of fresh air to me right now, and yes, that is a good thing.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write out your thoughts, it is really, really good, and I voted that you should write a book too!!!

I do wear tank tops and shorts most of the summer but I do feel super conscious about my stomach. I have had 3 c-sections and that pretty well did in any muscles I may have had there. But those were also many years ago and I could have done something about it by now. I noticed today when I went to the store, in my shorts and tank top(not one of my long baggy tank tops) that I felt very self conscious about my stomach and for a while I carried the shopping basket in front of me to try and hide 'me' from view. It really does affect how I interact with people, I am less prone to be friendly and 'out there' and rather end up avoiding too many conversations etc.

Well, oops, this is your journal. Thanks for sharing your thought. It helps us.

hm.
so much to think about here.

Mostly for me, not wearing a tank top publicly is 60% self-shame and 40% modesty. I guess I'm just Victorian enough to think, sometimes there is such a thing as too much flesh. Especially when one is older and has a body like mine. I look at it as, what would happen if the What Not to Wear people saw me dressed like *this*? (you can dress for the weather, I've found, and be flattering. Not that I do, I've gone the "baggy in order to hide everything--flawed and good, alike"-route.) (which the WNTW folks would still scoff at, but hey, at least I've offended no one's sense of common decency...)

Hey if people can wear those low jeans with their rolls of fat squishing out the tops of them and their tops riding above the rolls of fat, I think that anyone can wear a tank top. It is sometimes just a matter of survival when it is hot.

I always feel like a sumo wrestler in a tank top. This summer it has been so hot, I have worn them anyway. I am upset how weight is affecting many other decisions. I no longer go swimming with my boys. I stay away from most physical activity. I am embarrassed at how I look. I know I am too heavy for my bike. I feel bad that my sons have a fat mother. I sometimes wonder if they are embarrassed about me.

I understand the survival thing, Crazy--it's why I live in the Frozen North (though, even when visiting San Diego and Florida, I try to stick to tees...In Florida I did wear a tank thing though...and wasn't comfy...I find tees to be looser, breathier, and they soak up more sweat ;)...) --my main trouble is, I don't want to *be* one of these people "Hey if people can wear those low jeans with their rolls of fat squishing out the tops of them and their tops riding above the rolls of fat," in my own fashion choices...I ride the line between "you go, girl!" seeing larger people being proud to show flesh, and "Oh...My...God...do we not have a mirror at our house?"

so, bringing us back to Anne's point, way to go, discrading the lie that you can't dress comfortably, and Cheers! for making wise fashion decisions :D

Welcome, Tara! Pull up a lounge chair and grab a tumbler of ice tea. Please wear whatever you like here. This is a rules-free zone. As for sweat pants at the gym... been there, sister! I used to wear loose, over-size tees, even when they were less practical than a fitted singlet. Don't know what I thought would happen if anyone "found out" I was at the gym because, lo and behold, I needed to get in shape. :laugh: And that's when I was a 6/8! *sigh* I'd love to go back in time and kick my silly butt. Anyway, I hope you get up the gumption to dress appropriately for the gym. Yours is a body in progress, like every other body there. I read a great quote the other day, "Every person who arrived where they are, started where they were." :)

Nancy - good golly, miss molly, are you still having that heat wave? Ick. I know what you mean about using the basket for belly camouflage. I use my purse that way, or whatever's handy. Which is silly, because all a person has to do is go around me for the other view, and my secret will be out. :laugh: But I hope you can get back some of the muscle tone, if it will make you more comfortable. Does the c-section scarring go all the way through the muscle? (is that a dumb question?) btw, I kept your words in mind when I went for a hike yesterday - "be careful out there!"; I was sporting more tape and bandage than an NHL player...

Susan - I hope you can remember all the things other than your weight that make you a terrific mom for your boys :) when I was growing up, I don't recall thinking of parents in terms of their size, I recall thinking of them in terms of how much fun they were, or how well they cooked, or whether they let us stay up late... but if losing weight will make you a happier mom, then go for it! I bet your boys would love to swim with you, no matter what size bathing suit you wear

Jessica - I'm with you on the issues of modesty and appropriate attire; I think a nice shirt would be better for everyone concerned when I'm in town... but when I'm walking on a track through a nature preserve, I don't know who I think will be bothered by the sight of me in shorts and a tank top - the birds? (as for the post office, half of us are in our jammies, and the other half are in our beach attire... Hippie Town, USA); I laughed when I read your comment about not knowing whether to cheer someone on for being confident, or ask if they own a mirror :laugh: so true!

Thanks, guys, for stopping by! It's terrific to hear your comments. Hope you're having a fabulous Tuesday!

You are the best writer I've read in ages. Wow. Phenomenal. I'm off to pose in The Thinker-style for awhile... :pass:

Oh my! That was the longest I have spent reading through 2 pages of journals.. (sorry to everyone else but) I never usually _read_ the whole thing (and I wonder why my daughter has attention issues). :laugh: Very well written.

I look forward to reading your journey.. and be well entertained!

(and thank you for visiting my journal)

Corinna

Can I just say WOW, you're wonderful!

So much you're saying is like - yep - been there, done that, bought the t-shirt (not the tank top).

Good for you for thinking so much about all the bullsh*t that's out there just screaming in our ears - you're not good enough because you're not thin enough. I am so sick of hearing it and even sicker of believing it.

Way to go girl - I can't wait to read more!!

I just read your journal and found so many things to think about.

I will continue to read and learn.

Carol

Hey, I just noticed that we are at about the same weight... While I don't think that there is anything wrong with wearing tank tops at 190 I've noticed that I'm doing the same thing. I mean it will be about 100 outside and I will still be dressed in capris (to hide my thighs) and a t shirt over a longer shirt so that I look longer and leaner. Sometimes I'll even wear a sweatshirt. I know that I look stupid in my hoddie in 100* weather but I just can't stand the thought of people seeing that I'm fat even though the out of season clothing will probably give them a little hint.

This summer I've relaxed a little. I mean ok, I own 0 pairs of shorts but I've actually started pairing my skirts with tanks, not hoddies. The funny part is that last summer I was at about 175-185 which is like 10-20 pounds than this summer. Hmm

Well good luck with everything, it seems like you are doing a lot of walking, I wish I could say the same.

Chumlette, Corinna, Carol, Rabbit, Kelsey - WELCOME! Pull up a hammock and grab a drink. Besides the ice tea, we've now got sparkling fruit seltzer and diet lemonade. Get comfy and help yourselves! :)

I'm having a bit of a blah Wednesday. I go to the hospital for some tests tomorrow, and today I'm not allowed to have any type of drug (including caffeine). Regular vitamins are okay, but nothing else, not even an aspirin. Problem is, my visit from Aunt Flow is a few days behind schedule, and I'm gearing up for some wicked cramping right now. Waaay wicked. But because of the tests, Midol is out of the question. I'm also pretty tired and just, well... you know the drill.

I keep reminding myself that pregnant and nursing women endure much worse pain when they're not allowed to have meds, but that's just causing me to have uncharitable thoughts toward pregnant and nursing women: You think it was bad to have that fracture when you were 7 months pregnant? Well I have CRAMPS, lady, and I don't care about your little broken shoulder.

I'll bet a person could get sent to hell for thinking things like that.

Anyway, the upshot is that I think the only exercise I can manage today is some easy yoga, and I won't be able to exercise at all tomorrow, possibly not Friday either if the tests make me sick, and well... that's messin' up my fitness plan. YOU'RE MESSIN' UP MY PLAN, DR. STAN!

Not as if two days will ruin the whole exercise regime. But... uh, what's my point, again? Oh yeah. CRAMPS. And whining.

In conclusion: ouch.

Hi Anne.
just wanted to drop in and say what an awesome job you did on blitzing your exercise goals for the month!!! Good job girl!
i always find myself odding my had when i read your journal...so many thoughts that i have had during my journey you write about in such a wonderful way..i laughed out loud reading about you walking with your husband saying this is absurd pointing to your t-shirt..i can so relate to that..i am fine with other people wearing what they want yet i change clothes ten times thinking heck what will people say if i turn up to the gym in that getup???
thanks for writing so openly and honestly..you really are a breath of fresh air!
hugs bell :)

I get such bad cramps too, it really sucks I know. Instead of drugs try the thermacare heat wraps, and don't tell me they won't work on you because they work on everyone. Just make sure that it is hot enough, lol. They save me every month.

~K
(oh, and I think I'll have a lemon smoothie made of one lemon, ice, water, and splenda put in a blender, mm)

Ha ha. I have the same thing - especially about my arms. I must be fully clothed at all times. It's quite odd now that I think about it. I'll see women who are much larger than me wearing tank tops or vests in summer and I think nothing of it - except envy that they can wear it and i can't. I also live in a place with the most beautiful beaches. I've lived here for 4 years and I've been to the beach once - IN JEANS and a SWEATER. Hope your tests at the hospital go ok and that you're alright. Good luck with the cramping. It's that ***** estrogen again!

Hope things go well with you & your tests - good luck!

Good luck with your tests.

I try not to let my age and weight dictate what I wear. I am very close to goal but still don't wear tanks unless they are the big lose ones. I do wear a bathing suit and go the water park and look around and there aren't very many people I see that are close to perfect if you don't count the teen age girls in the bikinis. lol I hope you can get around the clothing issue and dress for the weather and activity. My friends and I have a saying, "You need to get out of the box".

Have a good day.

Carol

You know.. working out relieves cramps most of the time.. :)

Corinna

Hi guys,

Thanks for the good wishes re: the tests! It all went fine - and on Friday I was back to normal. Well, as normal as I get. :laugh:

Corinna - you're absolutely right about exercise and cramps. I did some easy yoga Wednesday afternoon and it calmed everything down.

Kelsey - I looked for my heat wrap, and realized I'd loaned it to someone else! Grrr. I've put that on my shopping list so I'll know to get another one. (How's the lemon smoothie?)

Bell - you're doing pretty awesome with the exercises, too! You must be quite fit. :) I know what you mean about changing 10 times, too.

Roz - I'm giving you a mission: get to those beautiful beaches! (but I know it's easy to take things for granted when you live so close - I'm guilty of the same crime in some respects)

Carol - You're right, I need to get out of this box; it's not easy living behind a cardboard shield. :)

I am lucky to live in the kind of neighborhood where people leave their houses unlocked and return each other's dogs if they get loose. The kind of neighborhood where, if you absent-mindedly leave your keys in the door of your car and your car parked at the curb, some local kids passing by on their skateboards will ring your bell to let you know. The kind of neighborhood where you're happy to take a detour if the road is temporarily blocked by an impromptu game of street hockey. The kind of neighborhood where "teen crime" involves riding a sofa down Main Street.

So it made local headlines last week when I discovered that our house had been robbed. They left the t.v. and jewellry. Didn't try to crack the safe. Ignored the liquor cabinet. The computer equipment was unmolested... Nope. These were definitely pros - they went straight for the good stuff:

They took our HERBAL TEA.

I discovered the theft immediately after a moment of diet clarity, which made the situation feel even worse. Talk about a kick in the teeth! Moments of diet clarity are supposed to be rewarding experiences. It just seemed unfair that my moment should be ruined by a heinous act of peppermint tea pilferage.

It had started out as a typical evening - at the end of the day, following a good workout and nutritious dinner, I decided to unwind with a movie. Now, normally I try to time the movie (or book) with my dinner, for a very simple reason: I cannot bear to sit during a quiet activity without a snack - or SNACKS. No matter how much I've had to eat, it's a Pavlovian response for me when I open a book or hear the first strains of a movie intro. I gotta munch, munch, munch - and munch some more.

But on this particular evening I'd already had my dinner. So, despite a tummy full of salad and veggie burger, I made a bowl of popcorn. Not a little popcorn, either - this was a full-length feature, and heaven forfend I should run out of food half-way through! So I made a BIG bowl of popcorn. And, just to be on the safe side, I pulled some peanut M&Ms out of hiding and put them on the coffee table next to me.

So there I was, huddled on the sofa behind a mountain of popcorn and M&Ms, thinking I don't want to eat this. But when I told myself to just pause the dvd and put it all away, I found I couldn't. The thought of sitting quietly through a movie without the comforting distraction of food was... terrifying. I was literally paralyzed by the notion. Sit quietly by myself and think/feel/react without the numbing placebo of comfort chewing? THE HORROR!

I paused the dvd anyway, and asked myself one simple question: what will happen if I spend the next two hours just involved in the movie, completely, without a virtual wonderwall of popcorn and M&Ms between me and whatever it is the movie makes me feel? And the answer was: I can't do that, because quieting the munch factor will leave a silence, and in that silence I will be left wide open to fully experience something. So we don't want silence. Silence is scary.

That answer startled me - because it was sad, and because it was true. Somewhere along the line, I have taught myself to use food as a buffer. I have taught myself that getting carried away in something - a book, a movie, a good cd - will open me up to things that may, possibly, leave me feeling something I can't control... such as empty. So to avert the risk of emptiness, to avoid its reality, I hide behind something that makes me feel full. It's a false kind of full, but a false kind of full is always better than a real kind of empty. Silence is scary. Right?

Wrong.

I realized I've been telling myself that easy lie in order to avoid some more difficult truths. My movie snack habit is the cinematic equivalent of spending each day maintaining an ironic distance. Safe, maybe. But as a way to live it's pretty shallow. Pretty... empty. I called out to my husband from behind the popcorn mound, like a little Who in Whoville:
"Help?"

He came into the room, looked at the snacks and laughed. "What's going on?"

"I don't want to eat this."

"Okay. I don't want it either."

"Don't you think it's ridiculous that I'm actually SCARED to sit through a movie without snacks?"

He wisely avoided any potentially incriminating statements about my ridiculousness, and instead answered a question with a question. "Well... what do YOU think?"

"I think I need to stop lying to myself and throw the popcorn away."

I decided to ease into the snack-free silence by substituting M&Ms with herb tea. I would still have something to do with my hands (lift cup, sip - lift cup, sip) but minus all the munching and minus about a million calories. I would sip my Raspberry Delight and watch the movie and just... feel.

Of course, that's when we discovered the tea banditry. I went to the cupboard where we keep the herbal teas, and opened each box to find it empty. The boxes were still there, all accounted for. It's just that the tea inside them had disappeared. How does something like that happen? Have the dogs been inviting people for tea when we're not home? Have our houseguests been getting up at midnight to imbibe behind our backs? Have the tradesmen been engaging in illegal tea-bag traffic?

My husband managed to find one unviolated box at the back of the cupboard, and I made myself a cup of something peach-y tasting. By the end of the movie I'd made two more cups, but I'd done it - I'd sat through the movie without munching. The walls didn't cave in. I didn't self-combust. The silence wasn't the least bit scary, after all.

Tonight I plan to finish the book I started over the weekend. I will resist the urge to nibble, and will instead make a pot of Mint Medley, put my feet up, and just... feel. Perhaps I will feel empty after I've turned the last page. But it will feel true. And that's a million times better than a false sense of fulfillment.

Meanwhile, we have posted a reward. $50,000 and a free china set to the person or persons with information leading to the arrest of our tea thief. No questions asked. :)

That's too funny. What did they end up stealing anyways? Are the carrot sticks all there?

Many many years ago when I first started teaching I came across a book called "The Borrowers," not to be confused with the movie which took all the magic and imagination away from this delightful story. It sure helped to explain how things disappeared when I knew I had left it "there." Perhaps you have a wee family living below your floorboards. Not sure just how much tea they would "borrow," but they are crafty people and they do love their cuppa.

Your entry was definitely "food for thought." Loved the Pavlovian connection. Bells - food - bells - salvate - TV - food - TV - salvate - TV - EAT!!!!!! Interestingly I started on green tea again this morning. Fortunately the box was still intact!

CapeCodCoy - Welcome! Pull up a lounge chair and help yourself to refreshments. Not sure we have Vintage seltzer, though... Will regular seltzer be okay for now? I know what you mean about panty-peek and see-through blouses, especially in the workplace. I blame Britney Spears. She's always slutting around in Juicy Couture track pants pulled way low, and her thong hiked way up. Who wants to go shopping and run into THAT?

Kelsey - the carrot sticks are still in the fridge (good thing, too, as my husband freaks out if there aren't any carrot sticks - he has a carrot habit); I've done some Sherlock Holmes thinking, and I'm sad to report that the most likely suspects for The Tea Incident are our parents - they're the only ones who drink herbal tea regularly; which leads me to the disturbing conclusion that one of them (and I'm not saying who but I'll bet it was my mother) drank a ton of tea while out here for a visit and then, instead of throwing out the boxes or saying "by the way you need more tea", put the empty boxes back in the cupboard; that smacks of evil and madness, and it worries me that I may have inherited a tea-thief gene...

So... yesterday I started my August fitness plan. I increased the goal to 1800 minutes, as the July goal of 1440 minutes was too easy. It occurs to me that I count my stretch routines in those minutes, and others may consider that cheating... but I decided to keep counting the stretch minutes. I do some pretty disciplined (and challenging) stretches, and flexibility is a very important part of fitness, IMO.

Yesterday's workout was a bit dismal. Ever have those days when you feel like you're flying and could exercise forever... and do you ever have those days when you feel like a ton of tired bricks mired in molasses? I had a molasses day. It was so discouraging that I considered stopping after about 20 minutes, but then I remembered Lie #2 (if it's not perfect, it's not worth it), and realized that 45 minutes of subpar cardio performance is still better than 20 minutes of subpar cardio performance. Sometimes you soar to the finish line, and other times you have to crawl across it. Either way, you finished. So I counted all 45 crappy minutes toward my monthly goal, and to heck with it. Thppppt.

Susan - I like the Borrowers idea! :) Or perhaps there are gremlins in the attic... hope you're enjoying the green tea - are you substituting it for coffee?

So I went to the doctor yesterday to get an opinion on these weird sores that have appeared in the creases of my eyelids. They showed up about a week after I started working out, and wouldn't clear with treatments of mild saline and pure aloe.

The doctor took a scraping and diagnosed me with an unusual fungal infection. Rather, it's not the infection that's unusual, it's the fact that it's in my eyelid creases that makes it a bit... odd.

You've heard of jock itch, or athlete's foot? Well... I have ATHLETE'S FACE.

(And before you ask - yes I DO cleanse my face twice daily and take off any makeup before bedtime. I've got a dirty mind, but the rest of me is pretty clean.)

The doctor doesn't have a good answer for how the germs got up there in the first place, but she thinks the fact that it coincided with my fitness plan means all my hard sweatin' and butt-shakin' created a very warm, moist environment for the germs to bloom.

Funky fitness fungus.

This, on top of the previous sports bra welt. I don't know whether to feel hardcore, or merely pathetic.

In happier news, I did very well with my eating the past two days. :)

Hardcore is the phrase that you are looking for for sure. Congrats on getting to the gym so much. I'm still only hiking the 2 miles each day but then again I stand/walk around and lift things for 7-8 hours each day at work so I am sure that more cals get burned that way. The stall hasn't gotten here yet but I'm dreading having to add more exercise into this program before the end of september.

Good job with your eating!

Hey Anne - that's too funny! I mean, not funny, but, well, you know. I actually got that once in the crease of my arm/elbow/whatever. The doctor didn't figure that one out either, but it was during a really hot humid summer, so maybe the moisture is key.

But keep it up, don't let a little grungi fungi get in your way!!

Athlete's face! I will have to remember that should I ever note little bumps there. Congrats on not giving in on a molasses day. Sort of like you are exercising with bands, but they are invisible.

Yes, I have started to drink Green Tea instead of coffee. I was not doing either for a while. Last week my folks visited and are coffee drinkers. I started up on the java again. Then yesterday tea just sounded good. So I am doing that again. Tea is so soothing. I think a low and high tea every day is necessary in life. We just don't slow down enough to do it.

I am a bit under the weather today. Not sure why. Hoping when the front goes through tonight, I will feel better. I swear I am a walking barometer.

Just heard a scratch at the door. The dogs want in to enjoy some A/C. Definitely the "dog days" of summer.

oh, how glamourous. "hey, whatcha got on yer face?" "aww, ya know, jock itch. Ya wanna kiss?" (mostly, I'm surprised it's something I don't have (yet.) )

but, uh, other than exotic visible fungus(much better than VPL), sounds like you're doing great!

Hi Anne.
i hear you on the dragging yourself across the line some days..whatever gets us across the finish line in the end is ok with me..i had a molasses day myself..came so close to not going to the gym..knowing that i have to log my minutes and that you the rest of you exercise addicts were posting minutes is what got me there!
i vote for hardcore re the Athlete's face...better that than an ever expanding a** from not working out, right?? :laugh:
You are doing awesome!!!!
hugs bell :)

Hi Anne, I wanted to stop by your little corner of the world. You're a wonderful writer! I have enjoyed reading your journal so far! :)

Keep up the awesome work! :)

Hey Rikki - WELCOME! Pull up a hammock (or boot the dogs off if they're hogging the last one) and help yourself to refreshments. It's Thirsty Thursday here at the Laz'n'Lounge, so you'll notice the tumblers are all 48 ouncers. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! :) (btw, I posted the link for that equestrian bra in Corinna's journal)

Kelsey - two miles of walking per day on top of an active job sounds pretty good to me!!

Bell - I know what you mean about using the exercise thread as motivation; the other day I was ready to talk myself out of it and then I thought, Bell's probably already done two runs, weight-lifting AND a bodyjam class today, so I'd better put in my 60 minutes :laugh:

Susan - I applaud you for making the switch to green tea; I drink decaf coffee in the morning right now but I need to get back to green tea - I swear my tummy was flatter when I drank that; hope the baramoter has gone up today and you're feeling better :)

Rabbit & Jessica - yes, this is definitely a high point in my so very glamorous life... isn't exercise and a healthy diet supposed to make us look better? maybe I should try the tequila-and-chocolate plan... just kidding, I intend to keep going, Athletes Face be damned!

I had to drop in because you said in Nancy's journal that you were jealouse I'm in Nova Scotia during the summer.
Now I'm jealous because you're brilliant. Oh well,none of us can have it all!!

What type of dogs do you have? Do they walk with you?

Oooo I wanna see puppy pictures!!

Thanks for the warm welcome. THe dogs are fine in the hammock. We can share! :) The equestrian bra really does look like the enell's long lost twin! I'm excited. THanks for posting the link! Thanks for the drink. :water: have a wonderful weekend.

:wave: Thanks for the link. :) I told the enell chick about 'em today.. I was put on a list last week and will have a size 3 enell delivered to me Monday (despite my being in Salt Lake City on Monday, I am happy!)..

Corinna

Patricians - WELCOME! Get comfy and help yourself to a drink! It's Funky Friday here at the Laz'n'Lounge, so last one to the lemonade bar has to lead the dance-off. On your marks, get set...

Rikki & Corrina - you're welcome for the bra link; hope Enell can come through for you, Corrina

Patricians - yes, I'm jealous of anyone who can summer in Nova Scotia; but no, I'm not brilliant (though I appreciate the compliment!!!) - if I was brilliant, I wouldn't have gone out the door today without my wallet! talk about embarrassing... I walk the dogs on weekends but they're big and active and need a HUGE walk, so M-F they go with a playgroup to run the trails or hike up a mountain... that keeps them happy :)

Rabbit - maybe this weekend I'll get some photos scanned in and figure out how to post them here (see? NOT BRILLIANT :laugh:)

So... today I'm taking some rest from exercise. I could feel yesterday that my body was starting to fatigue early, and that's usually a sign that I need to back off and let the muscles recover. We have plans this weekend that could make it VERY easy to slack off, though, and I'm determined not to let this one day of rest turn into three days. So I'm going to invite my husband on a "date": an early hike tomorrow. It will be good for both of us.

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I've been eating well and exercising, but not necessarily low on calories. And definitely adding muscle, which as we all know weighs more. Not sure what to expect. I found myself getting anxious about it this morning and had to grab hold of myself and review Lies 1-5 until I let go of the anxiety. What's the worst that could happen? It's just WEIGHT. Even if I've gone up a pound... so? I'll just post the result in my stats. Facts are facts. It's not like I'll be kicked off Diettalk or fined or made to walk up and down the sidewalk yelling, "Who's a fatty?"

I can do this. Right?

Right. :)

heh. If there were fines or kick-off-diettalks for bad weigh-ins, I'd be poor (Oh, wait, I am!!) and gone from diettalk ages ago!! I'm certain yours will be fine; enduring athlete's face makes it karmically imperative that it will be :D

what kind of big active dogs? Dyin' to know, here...

*sashays away...*

Hi Anne, gosh I loved reading through your journal. Hope you don't mind me saying so, in addition to everyone else...

I really think you should consider a career with writing, or at least something supplemental...the world needs more talent like yours!

Good luck with weigh-in! No kick-offs here. ;)

Well Anne, You might not think of yourself as brilliant, but you are definitely talanted at expressing yourself! I have just spent the last hour reading through your journal. What an inspiration you are! I am at day six of my current weightloss journey, and every little gem you have written, I can apply to myself. Maybe not exactly the way you have written them, but nonetheless, there are lessons here for everyone. I envy you your great outlook! (even if it's new to you) It is certainly great reading about it. Everyone has "mollassas days" in some form or fashion. It's just not letting them hold us back, or stop us altogether in our quest for a heathier, thinner lifestyle. I look forward to reading more. The force is IN you! (rather than with you). It will never leave, you just have to utilize it! Have a great day! :)

Good luck with your weigh in. You know, on my scale, I weigh less when I stand on my left leg than my right? Something to consider!!! Congrats on the determination to stay active. Play group for you dogs? I love that. They must be very active. We live on a farm and our three dogs get lots of exercise. One is a puppy that I am about ready to murder if she chews up ONE MORE THING! Found something again today dragged off the porch. It was UP on a table, no less. GRRRRR!

good luck on the weigh-in anne! I am sure you'll do brilliantly! ;) ;)

WELCOME, Elivi and LynnB! You know the drill - get comfy, grab some refreshments, chill. :) It's Mango Monday here at the Laz'n'Lounge - help yourselves to some slices (or mango-infused seltzer, if you're watching carbs).

Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement re: the weigh-in. I took all your kind words to heart as I stepped on the scale... and... (drumroll, please):

I'M UP A POUND.

I. Am. Up. A. Pound.

Well. For heaven's sake. (actually, I said something else at the time, but this is a family message board so I can't repeat it here) All this effort and I'm UP???

In the past, that would have sent me into a tailspin, in one of two directions - either go crazy and start starving myself, or go crazy and give up. But my new attitude seems to be taking hold (and I think Diettalk has had a big impact on this), because all I did was accept the number, walk away from the scale, and sit quietly to do some objective evaluation. First, I gave myself credit for what I've been doing so far. Exercising, good food choices, not pigging out.

Next, I assessed the results I've been happy with. More energy, firming up, tightening in. I've had to take in my bras a notch and my clothes are looking better - and lord knows the clothes don't lie! I realize I've been adding muscle. I also seem to have a better mental attitude about little things that used to bug me.

Then, I asked myself what result I'm NOT getting with my current efforts that I would like to get. That was a no-brainer - I would like the scale to go down, not up. It's good to be adding muscle, but right now I need the fat to come off. I'm simply carrying too much for my frame. It's not fair to myself. Getting the excess baggage off will also make it possible to ease back into running intervals and other sports that are hard to do when you're going through life with the equivalent of a 40 pound sack of potatoes strapped to your back. Also, I would like to fit back into the clothes I like, and feel good about the way I look when I go out.

So. I came up with three reasonable solutions:
- add a midday power walk to my current fitness program, three or four days per week (to help burn more fat)
- track everything I eat this week with Fitday (to see if I can find any significant errors in the calculations I've been doing)
- try to join a challenge thread (the exercise fanatics threads have been very motivational for me, so maybe a more general challenge thread will be helpful)

No starving. No hissy fits. No woe-is-me binges. I have choices, and I choose not to participate in that behavior anymore.

I read a good line this weekend. It said:
Most people look at a challenge and say, Gee, I hope I don't lose.
A champion looks at the challenge and says, I refuse to lose.

That's my new motto. This weight journey is a personal challenge I have set for myself, and it is a challenge I REFUSE to lose. I will not beat myself up about it. I will simply do what it takes.

Bring it on!

.

What's this about 1800 minutes? Do you really count the amount of minutes you exercise per month? How is this supposed to work. I know I try to get it at least 20 minutes a day, but preferably 40.

Sorry about the foot face thing. That must be so irritating.

Hey, I've brought along some chai tea for everyone. It's my new favorite thing. I've managed to find some that doesn't come pre-packaged with sugar in it. The one I found has no sugar and no dairy - just add sweetners and you're away. I've had 3 cups in the past 2 hours. Yum.

Anne - don't worry about that pound, I am sure it must be that muscle weighing more than the fat! Good for you for your wonderful attitude about it all. Things will go in the right direction...and if your clothes fit you better, that is validation in itself.

I'm thinking, water.

I've had a rather dismal scale experience, myself, and I'm doing the mental calculations (3500 cals being a pound, and knowing I did NOT consume 7000 cals overnight, and knowing that though I am building muscle, certainly I didn't, overnight, add 2 pounds of muscle bulk...) --so here's the thing. Between fluid in core at any length of time, and fluid in the interstishes (Oh, I know I screwed that spelling, the fluid between the cells in any body tissue) there can be huge variation, day to day. And we know all about the dreaded monthly water retention, yeah? So, potentially, your body is just having a differently-fluid-ed kind of day... Keep your eating stable (the fitday thing is a GREAT idea, btw, get a handle on what, exactly, is going into your body!) and keep on keeping on. If you're doing the right things, it HAS to happen :D (that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.)

Hi Anne, I'm so glad that you have decided not to give up. And that you REFUSE to lose (except weight! hee hee). Keep up the great work. Jess once told me (when I was about ready to smash the scale with a sledge hammer) to keep doing exactly what I was doing. Being good. Exercising. Etc. And that I'd see a "whoosh loss" in a couple of weeks. She was right! I lost about 5 lbs. (Now, just a zillion more to go!) Keep up the great work.

And thanks for the mangos. I love 'em! That's for pre-cutting them, as they are incredibly messy. Can't wait to see what Tuesday brings! :)

I joined the Anne Collins diet site last summer and she really gives it to you straight. Here is one quote of hers that really struck me head on.

"You can try all the diets and weight loss programs you like, but if, in your heart of hearts, you do not believe that you can lose weight, you never will. And even if you do, it won't be long before you regain it. . . dieting is 75% attitude, 25% sensible eating." Anne Collins

And you are truly sensible. What a healthy and positive attitude you have. Good for you.

Here is her site address if you are ever interested in some great reading and tips.

http://www.annecollins.com/ (http://www.annecollins.com/)

Hey everyone, it's Tiki Tuesday here at the Laz'n'Lounge! Grab a coconut-shell cup and have some pineapple chunks! Or a pineapple spritzer, if you're all fruited out. And mind the male hula dancers... they're not too graceful. But darn they do look GOOD in those grass skirts! :D

Also, our friend Roz has very generously supplied the Laz'n'Lounge bar with chai tea. Thanks, Roz! Mmmmm, chai....

Jessica - I LOVE the phrase "differently fluided"! :laugh: I'm going to use that from now on.

CCC - someone (more talented than I) definitely needs to create Determined Girl; she could be like a Powerpuff Girl, but not as tiny, and she could zoom in when someone is having a bad diettalk day.... "What's that ball of positivity flying through the air? Is it a scale? Is it a Slimfast? NO, it's Determined Girl!!!"

Susan - Thanks for the Anne Collins link! Her name doesn't ring a bell, so I'll definitely check her out.

Rikki & Rabbit - thanks for the words of support, it means a lot :)

heh.

"What's that ball of positivity flying through the air? Is it a scale? Is it a Slimfast? NO, it's Determined Girl!!!"

I'm liking the sketch of Determined Girl. :D

Dum dum dum......

Who's this? It's mega meanie the diet devil!!! :lil:

What's he got in store today? Will Determined Girl kick his @$$???? Stay tuned...

Great idea Anne! And thanks for the pineapple. Yum!!!

Did I hear the jiggle of male hula dancers. Hmmm, pass me some of that pineapple, along with a complimentary dancer -thanks Anne

It's Watermelon Wednesday here at the Laz'n'Lounge! Grab a slice or pour yourself a watermelon daquiri (what the heck, it's mid-week and we need to let off some steam... and someone won't stop talking about yummy cocktails in her journal RABBIT I'M LOOKING AT YOU). Yes, Susan, I had the black diamond Nebraska variety of watermelon flown in just for you. :) There are some floppy frisbees, too, if anyone's up for a game... the dogs would love you forever.

Roz - hey, you and that hula dancer look good together! I think his name is Hans. Hans the Hula Hunk. Enjoy! :D

Rikki & Jessica - Determined Girl needs her own theme song... does Mega Meanie use Twinkies and Hostess Fruit Pies as his secret collaborators?

So... guess what I'm wearing on my foot today? A big bandage. Guess why? I cut my heel all to heck. It's actually a small gash surrounded by a nasty, flesh-exposing scrape. Guess how? I slid off my own doorstep, which has this metal guard thing on it that apparently eats heels. I'm hoping in a couple of days I'll be able to stand a fitness shoe (right now I have to wear backless sandals and flipflops). But for now, I'm down for the count when it comes to my exercise plan. And I was doing so WELL! I'm going to try some mat exercises in the meantime.

Let's recap:
- sports bra welt
- athlete's face
- stupid falling-off-the-doorstep gash

Do you think someone's trying to tell me something? Well, whoever it is can save their breath. I'm not giving up. When the going gets tough, the tough laugh it off. And I'm definitely laughing, because this is comedy gold... but I'll admit I would find it funnier if it was happening to someone else.

Maybe I need to invest in a safety helmet and full body armor? And heel guards! I should SO look into heel guards.

that stinks about your foot Anne! Hope it starts feeling better in a couple of days.
hugs bell :)

Oh no!!! Sorry to read about the accident. You are lucky you did not twist or break something. Thanks for flying in the Black Diamond watermelon. DELISH!!! Ours is almost gone. It was a big sucker, too. The area north of here is known for their melons. I just HAVE to stop and get another one!!! I am usually not a big watermelon eater.

Still no rain in our drought infested area. Tore more plants out of the garden. Could you send rain, too? :) Did turn a tad cooler today. Overcast skies have helped, too. The rain keeps dancing around us - teasing!!! X-(

I am going antique shopping Friday with a friend. Will be nice to get away for the day. We rarely buy, but look a lot. My last fling before school begins, I guess.

Have a wonderful Wednesday! :o

I was babysitting for older kids long ago and we were watching Little Giants (actually, a cute flick.) In it, there's a little scrawny kid with enormous glasses and an overprotective mommy. At his first football practice she actually rigs him up a big fat foam, full-body-armour thing, kid was walking like the little kid in the Christmas Story, all bundled up for the snow...waddle...waddle...waddle... All I could think of when you talked of a helmet and full body armour was this poor pathetic kid's contraption..a and I had a good chuckle :D

HI !!!! :wave: Hey, where did you see that article about Arnold??? I have to show it to my pops :) . Maybe it is a German/Austrian republican thing (my dad is very German). Ohhhhh the years of torture.


Nice journal, watermelon is the best but if I have too much....bad news. 8-|

I love a good watermellon margarita. Slurp! And Nebraska watermelons are the best! Thanks! :wmellon:

That sucks about your foot! Poor Anne. I have seen Little Giants too. It is actually a cute flick. Hope you get to feeling better soon...

You may have "athlete's face" but I think I am getting teenage boy face from all the exercising. It's too hot to wear make-up, but I may be too ugly to go without! :sigh:

Have a wonderful day! :D

RABBIT I'M LOOKING AT YOU

who? me??

;)


and thanks, I'll take the daquiri, naturally. :D

Sorry about your foot! Time to break out the ab and arm exercises, I guess? Hope it feels better fast!!

Shame Anne. That really sucks! I can imagine how sore it must be! I've also just injured myself. Hurt both my knees. I was mugged at the beginning of the year and the guy pushed me down onto my knees. Now everytime I exercise, I damage them a little more I think.
He he, I can just imagine us all at the end of the year - thin and hobbling! :D

Hi Anne! I've just spent the last hour reading through your journal, and I LOVE it. I know everyone has told you already, but you are a great writer. And you're a great diettalker too--you have such a good attitude about it all. Reading your journal has given me a new perspective. There are so many more myths and lies out there that we believe than we even know. I know for me it's just natural and easy to believe them--the truth can be hard and scary. Thanks for telling us all the truth.

WELCOME, Jumpsoda and Lindygirl! It's Slow Down Saturday here at the Laz'n'Lounge - grab some refreshments and settle in. We're just hanging out in our jammies, watching old movies and playing vintage games. Twister, anyone? Pop-o-Matic Trouble?

So... the good news is that the heel isn't too infected. The bad news is that the pain has been caused not by infection, but because the inflammation has spread to my Achilles tendon. And we don't want that. Nooo, we don't! So it's ibuprofen and ice for me. But in a few days I'll be able to wear regular shoes again. Hooray! (Also, I would just like to add that whoever invented the sneaker mule is my personal hero. Sneaker mules have been my saving grace the past few days.) Meanwhile, I've been doing mat work in place of my regular workout routines. I refuse to give in. BRING IT ON!

And NO, the athlete's face hasn't cleared up. I've got a new rx for it. Meanwhile, I still can't wear any makeup on my eyes. Not so bad during the day, but when I go out at night, well, I would prefer to be a bit more presentable. One does like to look pretty for one's adoring public...

To top it all off, our downstairs plumbing exploded this morning (ever had sewage in your bathtub? it's soooo lovely). So I didn't get to weigh myself first thing, what with the plumber mayhem and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and splashing of bleach, and now that I've eaten I refuse to get on the scales. It will have to wait until tomorrow. Weight until tomorrow. Ha! Get it? Get it? (thank you thank you, I'll be here all night)

And now it's occurred to me - who the heck would want to hang out in their jammies and play games with someone who's got athlete's face, in a Laz'n'Lounge with backed-up plumbing? Seriously, you guys, I won't be offended if you take it next door to the Surfer Shanty. You can even haul the refreshments with you. :)

P.S. CCC- I know what you mean about laughing in the emergency room! I do the same thing! Are you sure we aren't related? Someone once informed my mother that our family has, and I quote, "a perverted sense of humor." We've taken great pride in that remark. :laugh:
P.P.S. Y'all laugh, but I'm seriously going to rent Little Giants and see if I can pick up any tips on how to pad myself with body armour. I plan to be the best-protected person in town. I'll be INVINCIBLE!
P.P.S.S. Roz, you were MUGGED?!?!?!? Holy cow. I'm so sorry. {{{hug}}}
P.P.P.S.S. Lindygirl, thank you for the very kind comments. It occurs to me that I have avoided thanking people when they've posted compliments about this journal, and I hope it doesn't come across as arrogance. It's quite the opposite - I have had a long (and tragically doomed) love affair with writing, but any compliments send me scurrying. The worst episode occurred when one of my literary idols read something of mine and, instead of telling me what I needed to do to improve (which is what I'd anticipated), told me he loved it and asked where I've been published. And did I jump for joy? No. I got sick to my stomach. Literally, physically, sick. I wanted to die... So anyway, I want you guys to know how much it means to me, because it does. If I haven't said it before, I'm saying it now. Thank you. :)

I'm a bit confused - what is a sneaker mule (sounds rather dubious). Sorry about the tendon - you really seem to be prone to bodily injuries. Great that you're doing the mat though. Hey, don't worry, we won't run away - we are all loyal subjects of the laz'nlounge - sewage and all :D Good luck with the weigh in tomorrow.

Sorry about the foot.. But I must ask.. WTF is athlete's face?!?

Corinna

Anne, well done on your determination and hitting the mat for a good workout. Yes, the mules are sure nice for a quick slip in/on. I cannot wear those types of shoes anymore as I have had so many foot/leg problems the past two year. Had to resort to tougher more supportive shoes, even for bumming. It has paid off. this summer I am not as bothered with legs/feet as I was in the past. I am sure when I get this weight off, that will help, too.

I am canning salsa. Guess we can include chips and salsa at our next social, compliments of me. Sorry, but the watermelon is gone. Have started to pick some canteloupe. MMMMM

Enjoy your weekend. :)

Hi anne.
i meant to post yesterday when i read in Jess's journal that your heel was infected..good for you on still doing your mat workouts though...i knew you were too kick a** to let a injury knock you out!
yikes that sucks about the backed up plumbing...maybe we should put gum boots on with our jammies! i like ya babe.i am staying backed up plumbing or not :)
hugs bell :)

Good for you at faking that heel infection so you can have a fling with the doctor, more power to you. Your secrets safe in here. :)

That's what they make clothes pins for, right? To stop the smell! :laugh: Actually, we live near quite a few feed lots, a rendering plant and a meat-packing plant, so I don't notice any type of bad smell coming from this totally fun surfer shanty!

Hope the weigh-in went well, and hope the plumbing gets fixed! And hope the heel feels better. ANd hope the doctor is cute so you can tell Jump all about it! :D LOL

SURPRISE!!!!

Today, the Laz'n'Lounge is proud to host the first annual 92 Percent Party, in belated honor of our very own RikkiJ's kick-butt calculus score! Our guest of honor, Rikki, gets first dibs on the dance games (we installed THREE, so no fightin', y'all) and the camel rides. This is a come-as-you-are party, and all calories have been magically suspended for the day, so relax and enjoy the refreshments bar, including Susan's awesome home-made salsa! Cake-cutting ceremony will be at 2:00. Limbo competition starts right after. And we need volunteers to get the karoake started. No one ever wants to be the first with that... Welcome, everyone, and HAVE FUN! (yes, you do smell bleach - the plumbing snafu is fixed and we disinfected the heck outta this place)

:party: :party: :party:


P.S. Corinna, athlete's face is just the name I came up with for the stupid eyelid infection that coincided with the start of my fitness plan. But I'm not contagious... honest! heh heh heh
P.P.S. Roz, sneaker mules are those backless, slip-on sneakers. Comme ca: http://www.finishline.com/store/catalog/product.jsp?productId=prod474800&NIKE&sourceid=performics&cm_ven=performics&cm_cat=affiliate&cm_pla=n%2Fa&cm_ite=Shopping%20Inc%2E (http://www.finishline.com/store/catalog/product.jsp?productId=prod474800&NIKE&sourceid=performics&cm_ven=performics&cm_cat=affiliate&cm_pla=n%2Fa&cm_ite=Shopping%20Inc%2E)
P.P.S.S. Jumpsoda, thank you for creating a safe emotional space for me to be honest about my doctor fetish. Is now a good time to confess the thing about the electrician?

*clearing throat*

"feeeeeeeeee-
lings...
whoa, whoa, whoa,
feeeeeeeeeee-
lings"

(that's the only part of the song I know, and I can't see the monitor from here)
(but consider that my kara-contribution.)

*Think Bridget Jones*

I can't Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivveeeeee..... If livin' is without yooooooooouuuuuuuuu. I can't LIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!! I CAN'T GIVE ANY MORE!!!!!

Thanks for the party!!!!! :party: I am doing my favorite dance song. It sounds like an Irish Jig, and it's really fun! THANK YOU!!! :)

What I Learned On My Cardio Vacation
by Anne2 (age 10)

Last week I took a vacation. My vacation was from cardio. Because I hurt my heel. My heel hurt. It was sore, and I couldn't wear proper shoes, and it's hard to get up the mountain in flip-flops. Also, YOU try doing aerobics in bare feet if you think you're so smart. So I had to do mat work and watch my calf muscles deflate and curse a lot with the windows closed so the neighbors wouldn't hear, and anyway this is what I learned:

My Metabolism Relies On A Cardio Boost
Even though I did mat exercises and stuck to eating well, a week without cardio equalled a week without a change in the scale. Didn't budge. This seems to support my theory that I can do all the toning and sculpting I want (and I do and I will - strength and lean mass are important) but this fat isn't coming off without additional cardio. Lots of it. It's like me and my diet are over in the racing lane, doing the butterfly stroke, while my metabolism is over in the wading pool, lollygagging around. Which brings me to point number two...

The Experts Were Right About Long-term Damage
I hate it when experts are right, because then it means I have to listen to them instead of going on my merry way with my hands over my ears singing la-la-la-la. And I guess they were QUITE right about the long-term effects of severe dieting and bulimia. This time I didn't even have that first burst of weight loss that most people experience before they hit a plateau - I plateau'd from the get-go. My body is trying to save itself by hanging on to every pound it can, because in the past I scared it so bad with the starving and the purging that it thinks it needs this higher set-point to survive. My body is certainly welcome to a set-point. Just not this set-point. So now it looks like I will have to work twice as hard on a healthy plan to get half the results of an unhealthy plan. But if that's what it takes that's what I'll do, because if I don't...

The Eating Disorder Is Always Lurking
It's true that it never goes away, just goes into remission. Last week I found some scary thoughts entering my head, and they're thoughts I haven't entertained in a while. But there they were. Thoughts like, If you can't do the cardio, drop your calories way low to compensate. Or, The scale hasn't budged - take a triple dose of laxatives and see what happens. Just this once. It's okay. And my personal favorite, while watching a movie that included a character who was suffering the effects of chemo, Oh, how fabulous to be sick three or four times a day without even trying. She won't have to worry about what she eats! I think when you hear yourself admiring a dying woman for being able to eat Krispy Kreme, it's time to do some serious self-evaluation. What do I want more? To be thin, or to be healthy? And the answer is...

I Refuse To Lose This Challenge, But I Also Refuse To Lose My Health In The Process
Getting thin is not as important to me as getting healthy. If I don't lose the ten pounds by September 30 and the rest of the weight by next year, then I will just keep on trying, the healthy way. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my family. So long as I stick to eating well and working out, gaining strength and stamina, then it will have to suffice. Because I can't go back to killing myself for a "good" scale reading. Matter of fact, I won't bother with the scale reading at all for the next two weekends. I will be out of town, and there's no point wondering if those scales are different from my scales. I'll just stick to my program, forget the weigh-in, and have a little faith. I'll just keep trying. I'll just keep on keepin' on. Because...

I'm Having Fun
I never thought I'd say it, but since I started this program at the beginning of July, I have come to like healthy food choices. Last night I found myself celebrating a productive weekend by chopping veggies to make a nice raw platter, instead of grabbing chips and cheese dip. I wanted the veggies. When I found out that I have to go out of town next week, my first thought wasn't Yahoo! Time to have a break! My first thought was, How will I organize things so I still get my exercise? I actually emailed my sister and asked if she could put the elliptical trainer in the living room so I could work out while watching movies, if it's too hot to power walk. I find myself looking forward to workouts, and I definitely like the way I feel afterward. I also enjoy posting my minutes in the exercise thread, and my progress in the challenge thread. All of which is to say...

I Lost The Battle Last Week, But I Intend To Win The War
So I had a set-back last week. Life happens, and I have to accept these things. It's not the week without cardio and the negative thoughts that matter, it's the six weeks of good choices that counts. Maybe I lost a battle. Maybe I won't get to the finish line this month in the exercise thread, or this quarter in the challenge. But I'll certainly give it my best try.

BRING IT ON!!!

awesome attitude anne!

(alliteration anyone?)

Anne that's fabulous!!! I hope to have a such a good attitude myself in the future when the newness of this wears off. Thanks so much for sharing! :D

Mrs. Me - WELCOME! Come join the party! Do you like to sing? I think Jessica needs some help there with the karaoke... Rabbit, I'm glad you hopped on over. :) But mind the camel poop, everybody. They seem to be on a high fiber diet. :O

u are winning the battle in my book Anne..once again scary feeling here as i read thoughts i have had several times myself on my journey..
i am with you on the increased cardio...give yourself credit though..many people would have caved completely with the heel and not been doing mat work or toning or eating right..you had a huge win in my book!
Hope the week ahead is an awesome one!
hugs bell :)

I do like to sing - anyone want to hear the theme from Annie?

Hi anne!! Great attitude :) Those setbacks do happen, don't we all know it! I'm glad you're not going to let it get you down because it looks like you're already winning the war with your choices and outlook. Extra kudos for doing it all with the ED stuff playing in the background.

*applause* (well written Anne, age 10. Outta curiosity, was it a preschool ED? Cuz my 3 1/2 year old is a really picky eater, perhaps I should check her in to a place?)

*then busts out

Doe
a deer
a female deer
RAY
a drop of falling suuuuuuuuuuuun
ME!
a name
I call myself
FAH!
A longlong way to Ruuuuuuuuu-
-uun, SEW!
A needle pulling thread
LA!
A note to follow Soooooooooo
TEA?
A drink with jam and bread (jam and bread)
that will bring us back to
DOE!!*

(ya want I should go on? Does that prove I've had enough vodka shooters out of hollowed pineapple, now my inhibitions are shot???)

lol Jessica! Now this morning I'm thinking of

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away ...

And for some reason that brings on

I've been workin' on the railroad,
All the live long day.
I've been workin' on the railroad,
Just to pass the time away.
Don't you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up so early in the morn.
Don't you hear the captain shouting
"Dinah, blow your horn?"...


It must be some children's song album coming back to run amok in my head from my childhood!! http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a14/missusme/faint.gif :laugh:

Hi Anne. Thanks for posting you thoughts on the past week. They have actually helped ME! I am getting tired of the plateaus and the weight not coming off. And the other day, I was thinking how fun it would be to sit on the couch and pig out on chocolate and candy. But I also thought how I would feel. I also love the feeling of a workout. (Although there are times when I hate doing the actual workout!). I love the feelings I have now that I am slimmer. Those keep me going.

I also don't think you had a set-back by CHOICE. You couldn't really do that much working out with a gashed up heel, now could you? When the big man stepped on my toe and squashed it to heck a couple weeks ago (and didn't appologize!) I was a baby and didn't workout for a few days. That was just one toe!

You are still doing great. THe healthy eating is the hardest for me, and look at you! You WANT veggies. There are times when I still want the chips and cheese dip. (That's why I can't keep them in the house!)

Have a great day, Anne, and thanks so much for the 92% party. I loved it! You are so sweet. Thank you! :D

(here I was singing all the "O Brother where art thou?" soundtrack, and rikki reminded me the party's over. Hm. Do I have a cyberhangover? )

Hoping heel, and day, are great today, Anne!

:cheer: :cheer: :party: Hooray for Anne!

WELCOME, Dea! It's Two-Fer Tuesday here at the Laz'n'Lounge: two lemonades fer the calories of one! Grab a lounge chair, get some refreshments, and kick back. :)

Wow, guys, thanks for the props re: my cardio vacation. There's nothing like the support I get from you Diettalkers. You're all awesome. :ghug:

Yesterday I was able to get a shoe on my foot (shoes on BOTH feet, actually :laugh:) so I took myself out for a maiden voyage around the neighborhood to see how the heel felt. I'd bandaged and cushioned it quite well, and was surprised at how comfortable it was. I think the ibuprofen made a difference. So I walked to the trailhead and did a tough trail up (tough because it's vertical, not because of obstacles or anything), then wound my way down an easier path to enjoy the views. Clocked in at 110 minutes door to door. And it felt FABULOUS! I'm so psyched to be back on program! :jn

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown, though. I was still bummed about the scale not moving and caught a bad angle of myself in the mirror and, well, it was a REALLY bad angle. I had a moment of stinkin' thinkin'. My husband, who is the best man on earth, gave me a hug and told me that he's proud of me no matter what the stupid scale says, and that if I promise not to give up this month then in September he'd like to treat me to some healthy, low-cal meals by a personal chef service. I balked at that because it sounds costly and we've had quite a few unexpected expenses this year, but he put his foot down. He said it's either that, or a week at a fitness retreat. God, do I love that man. Not because of the chef thing, but because he's so supportive, always, no matter what. So who am I to have meltdowns over a trivial thing like the scales, when I'm blessed with more important things like a good marriage and good health? So phooey to the stinkin' thinkin'... Bring. It. On.

Anyway... can we have a hearty round of applause for our two lovely lounge singers, Jessica and Mrs. Me? Let's hear it for them! Never before have old standards like I've Been Workin' On The Railroad and Feelings been performed with such emotion, such panache, such je ne sais quoi!

Okay, time to drag Rikki off the dance games - the rental expires this afternoon. Or I guess I could return them with Rikki still jumping around on them...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I Wanna stay dancing!!!!! :c(

I bet if you left me on, they wouldn't take them back! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. Thanks again for the party.

Glad you had such a great cardio sesh. Keep up the terrific work!!! :) Glad the heel is feeling a bit better too.

woo hoo! glad to hear you are back in action!

Oy, my eyes are still recovering after looking at rikki's multi-colored type in her journal. :O ( I think it is Skittles withdrawal syndrome manifesting itself in her font)

Glad to hear the heel is feeling better and you broke of the affair with the doctor.

Give your husband an extra hug and kiss for being so sweet to you! It's wonderful you were able to start walking again, but be careful! No setbacks!! :cheer:

Oh, man, whatta man. No wondor your doc holds no attraction for you!! I know the beginning-ish parts of being healthy really bite...it's so easy to see oneself in some clothes (or nekkis :O) and go, WHERE IS THE PROGRESS??? and get tempted to just friggin give up, BUT establishing good habits is its own reward, with the other fringe benefit types (smaller sizes, smaller numbers on the scale) coming to fruition later. You're rocking and rolling. You will see results. Just keep doing the right things!! :sweat:

what a wonderful hubby you have, Anne!
Having a supportive partner is such a bonus.. i am friends with a lady who's husband did everything in his power( and i mean some nasty stuff) to ensure her diet as sabotaged..i cant imagine fighting so hard to get healthy only to have someone who supposedly loves you sabotage you.. i would definately take hubby up on the reward..you deserve it..
Glad to hear that the heel held up ok on your walk..thats awesome!
hugs bell :)

My boyfriend comforts me and tells me to keep going all the time. The only catch is, he does it with rock hard abs and a candy bar hanging out his mouth. 8-|

Thanks, guys, once again for all your supportive comments. Do y'all know how much I love checking in at Diettalk to see what you're up to? You're a GREAT group.

CCC - thank you so much for that long distance hug! it stayed with me all day :)

Roz - if those candy bars don't catch up to your boyfriend's abs, maybe you should start adding high-calorie powder to his meals when he's not looking - ever seen the Weight Gain 2000 episode of South Park? :laugh:

Bell - I know what you mean about partners who sabotage diets, and whenever I hear about it, it makes me go :O it is truly a blessing to have a supportive spouse; some days I wonder how I got so lucky

Mrs. Me - on your suggestion, I gave him MULTIPLE hugs and kisses, and he says to thank you :D

Jessica - you're dead-on re: the rewards of establishing good habits! I feel so much better right now than I did 2 months ago, and that counts for something big... and you're right about the hard work and sweat, too - BOY are you right about that!

Jumpsoda - I hit the trails yesterday and, among other things, got chased by bees and almost took a nasty tumble down a hill... and all I could think of was, If I end up back at the doctor's office with bee poisoning and contusions, that Jumpsoda dude won't let me live it down

Rabbit - I'm SO back in action; I can't wait to read your journal today and get more cravings for delicious food!

Rikki - did you see how quickly those rental guys tried to include you with the dance games? jeez, I thought I'd have to hire bodyguards just to get you out of there ;)


So yesterday had its high points, and its low points. The high point was my 2 1/2 cardio extravaganza (minus the bees), in which I hauled myself up some steep hills and hiked to a nice lookout. My foot was okay except for the moment when I came down on a rock at a bad angle and hit it right where the sore is. But the pain died down almost immediately so I soldiered on. And the best part was that at the end of it, I felt tired, but in a nice way. No sense of over-exertion or exhaustion. I'm definitely getting back in shape. Slowly but surely. Hooray!

The low point was when my husband called to inform me that the neighbor he had a fender bender with is turning out to be an extortionist. She spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening with phone calls and emails to my husband, demanding cash be delivered to her door to "compensate" her. Of course he refused, and reminded her how to contact his insurance adjuster. But she kept demanding cash, delivered to her door, immediately. She continued well into the evening, and became increasingly inappropriate. :O On the bright side, she's been dumb enough to leave most of these statements on voice mail recordings and in email. What a "neighbor". Just what we need.

Because the evening was spent fielding the car issue and cash demands, I didn't eat until about ten p.m., and by that time I'd gone way too long without food after such an extended workout. And I don't like to eat that late, either. So what can I learn from this? I need to learn that there will be enough true emergencies in life (unfortunately), and so I shouldn't let these other things knock me off my path. My health is more important than a ridiculous brouhaha. I must learn to put my own goals at the top of the priorities list. And I must learn to tell random people (and extortionists) to shut up, take a number and get in line. They're not entitled to rule my schedule. I am.

Bring. It. On. :)

Its nice to realize that. When I stop thinking that this is just for my health I start to have thoughts like "If I skip lunch I'll weigh less tomorrow" Its stupid and makes me just eat more later.

p.s. I just read your positive attitude quotation and I really like it

Sorry to hear about the attacking bees. They probably just mistook you for honey!! So proud of you on your attitude. You are really going strong, Anne. Sound like you took quite a hike and took in some beautiful scenery. Glad to read the foot is doing so well. Enjoy your Friday and your weekend. :)

I have a beagle I'd be willing to loan you to bark and howl annoyingly outside extortionist's window. It may not get her off your back, but it would be very satisfying to know that no matter what the extortionist did, that beagle just won't shut up! :laugh: She also likes to chase bees, so really, it might not be that bad of an idea.

Glad you weren't hurt during your tumble! :)

Kelsey, I agree with you about the attitude. It makes such a difference! I know how to do this the wrong way and get quicker results, so it's quite a challenge not to give in to that. But when I put into a health perspective, things change. Glad you like the quote. :)

Susan, the bee brouhaha was all a misunderstanding. They thought I was interfering with their flower business. But that part of the trail has flowering shrubs that have narrowed the trail so that you can't help jostling the bushes (well, not unless you're the size of a toothpick). So they thought they were under attack. The problem was that in order to run, I had to disturb MORE bees. I tried yelling, "I come in peace!" but I don't know how to buzz that in bee dialect. Where's Dr. Doolittle when you need him, eh?

Mrs. Me, I LOVE beagles, so if you lend me yours he won't have to bark, he'll just get spoiled to death on my sofa. :) But my dogs could show him some good gopher hunting, if he's into that... Btw, the insurance company seems to have put the extortionist in her place. Sheesh.

Well... I have today to get my stuff in order (multiple errands and 6 loads of laundry, anyone?) and then I head out of town for a week or so. The doggies left for canine camp this morning, my suitcases are on the floor, I'm debating how much to pack (more workout clothes, fewer shoes), and trying to remember whatever it is I've forgotten.

Here are my goals for the week ahead:
- do cardio at least 4 days (and log it here at Diettalk to help keep me on track)
- eat sensibly (this is not an excuse to pig out)
- stay focused
- have fun

And away I go! Leeeevin', on a jet plaaaaaaane....

Take care, everyone, and have a fabulous week! :)

Thanks for stopping in on my journal, Anne! I have had a tough time of all of this and the hardships have been weighing more on my mind than the victories. I need to change that so I can find more joy in my life. I appreciate that you popped in to share in my milestone today.

Like many of the others here, I too enjoy how you've written your journal - you have a unique way of presenting the humor of our daily trials. I am a bit of a writer, even back to when I was in grade school and I created and wrote a humorous column that was so popular they continued doing it after I left. Seems that as a grown up I have a harder time being that humorous person that I was, because of the things I've been through in my life. That's something I need to think about, because it's sad to me that I've changed in this way.

I started my own quest here at Diettalk at 182 (as you know, down to 162 as of today - a milestone for me). But at one time I was almost at 200 and suffered numerous wounds and injuries. From the attack of the sports bra, to shin splints from minor activity, serious jock itch, messed up my neck and back, etc. It would seem logical that the more weight you have to lose, the faster it should be to come off. That has not been my experience, though. I think you have exactly the right approach - keep it healthy, keep it consistent. If you have not already done so, you may wish to consider having your bodyfat % tested as a marker of where you are at today, and repeat periodically throughout your journey to record your progress in other ways besides total weight. I know the scale lies and started using a measuring tape around my mid-section early on as another indicator of my progress.

I was saddened to find out you had so many influences in your youth telling you your weight was your worth. I have had some powerful negative messages throughout my life and they really affect me today. I am glad to hear you have a supportive husband, that is so wonderful. In my current relationship I have been told how fat I am and that I am not attractive anymore (I weighed less when we met). It has been a powerful negative influence on my self esteem. This is one reason Diettalk has been so helpful - without it I have very little support in my life.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be depressing or be about me. I simply wished to share some thoughts about my own weight loss journey in the event you find them helpful. First, I could not start without addressing the emotional, which you are doing so well here. I eat compusively, obviously not from hunger, so without looking at what was causing the behavior, anything else would just be a bandaid, and probably temporary. I did most of my work in my journal here.

Consistency matters. One meal or day of overeating didn't make me fat - it was a consistent pattern of this behavior that did. But, at the same time, the body adapts to diets and exercise. I have hit signficiant plateaus routinely and have found the best way to address them is to shake things up. Eat different foods, vary my calories from day to day (usually within 200-300 or so kcal). Do different things for exercise, different times of the day. This has been key for me to get past certain points.

Sugar (processed) is my enemy. It comes in such a condensed form that fools the body into thinking more food has been consumed, and in metabolising it, can create a hypoglycemic state - with that is hunger and moodiness. Sugar makes it near impossible for me to stay on track, so I have avoided it completely these thirteen weeks. In addition, I personally have to have exercise in my routine. If I miss it for more than three days or so my mood and interest in food changes for the worse.

Finally, as you have said, it has to be for yourself. Not to satisfy the echoes in your mind, not because someone else wants you to. I have only been able to stay motivated because this is something I really want for myself, and I have enjoyed some of the small changes along the way a great deal.

Best of luck to you in your goals!

Ooh have a nice trip!! :D

Enjoy your trip :)

Beth :dn

Enjoy your trip. Remember, you can always buy what you forget! You have some super goals - having fun being one of them. Enjoy!!

canine camp? I call it doggy jail. I hope you have fun!

Corinna

Have a great trip! Thanks for all the visits to my journal. I'll miss ya while you're gone! Oh, and I just had to say that I used the word Breuhaha 2 times yesterday. Before I even read your post! Great minds think alike!

That sucks about your lovely neighbor. I think when people get into fender benders they feel the need to bring out their worst. Anyway, have a great trip, and do that cardio! :sweat:

When Are You Coming Baaaaaaack????

Hey Anne

I swear, car accidents turn people into nutcases! Hope hubby's okay and glad you have audio proof of extortionist's lunacy!

Great job on your hike!!

S.O.S!!!

Yes, it's a gorgeous day and I should be out and about, but things are going a wee bit downhill for me this week and I had one of two options:
1) Put on my chocolate skis and slide all the way down.
2) Get a grip.

So I decided to borrow a computer and post a little mayday message to myself. (Okay, there was a third option - pretend nothing's wrong - but I'm trying to out-grow my talent for living in oblivion.)

Things that are contributing to my emergency:
- out of my own environment and routine
- not in an environment that is conducive/sympathetic to healthy lifestyle
- not around people who are terribly supportive of my weight loss challenge (i.e. saboteurs)
- festering family issues and old emotional wounds
- t-o-m
- having some fatigue and dizzy spells that have prevented me from working out as much as I'd like (which would in turn help my mood - endorphins!)

Basically, it's the not-in-my-own-environment and the family-issues things that are bringing me down. I'm sure there's something to learn from this, and perhaps next week when I'm back at home I'll have some enlightening insights, but right now I'm just trying to ignore the cupcakes and keep my head in a positive zone and get on my damn walking shoes.

Help?

If I was a sports coach, I would say:
Keep focused
Stay on target
Block out the b.s.
Be true to yourself.
Don't fall into "safe" behaviors to please everyone else - you're entitled to win your own race, you don't have to lose to make others feel better - they're not entitl