I hope my journal name isn't too much, but that's how I feel sometimes, actually how I felt most of the time a while ago. Lately I've been trying to get my life back in order. I don't need things to be perfect I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

I hope this journal helps I have high hopes, which is nice a few months ago I had no hope, so I suppose high hopes are good, but for me high hope is someone else's normal hopes. you know when your life feels like it's spiriling out of control that was me, it's kind of me now, but not so much.

Whenever my mind wanders for a second it always goes to food. I just wish I didn't think about food so much, it's all consuming. My life is planned around food. I just wish I was at my goal weight now so I wouldn't have to worry and think about food so much. I know I need help.

Reaching out to other people (especially about my weight) has always been hard, but I have to do it. I'm young and yet I feel old, my dr says I might be pre-diabetic, it seems like if I keep going on this path I will get it or some other health problem. I hate taking medicine and don't really like going to the Dr's I can't imagine having to deal with that for the rest of my life. I have iron deficency anemia and even taking those pills is a pain to me, and I'm not that consistant about it. I just don't think I could handle it, and yet I still want to eat a whole cake sometimes( that's what I crave the most). It's weird I know I shouldn't but it so hard.I wish there were some magic pill or trick that would make you stop wanting to eat everything in site(if only huh) wow I just blabbed and blabbed, but I feel better. Everyday is a journey.

after a couple of bites the cake starts tasting blah. So eat the whole cake --if you must-- but spread it out over a long period of time. But I can tell you that cake doesnt feel as good as reaching your goal does. Thats something I had to constantly remind myself, that food was simply not worth it. Diabetes is not fun. Poking yourself, testing your blood, not being able to eat fruit all together cake... so that definately doesnt seem like the road that you will be happy on. Enjoy your youth, start excercisig, you will feel much younger. Plus all yor joints will appreciate it.

Hello, Nas,

Congrats on losing the 6 lb so far. :* It is a good beginning.

Good luck on your way to better health.

Hi Kitty,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I can't seem to find my own journal. I'm still navigating around the site. I joined a few weeks ago. It's been hard for me also to post daily, I just don't know why I avoid it. I know the support is good for me.

thanks again and good luck to you too. I think we have almost the same goal weight.Feel free to send me a private message if you ever need extra support or just share your weight loss struggle, I get emails when I get a private message, but I'm not even sure how to send a private message myself, isn't that funny, but I can reply if I get one.

Take Care,
Nas

Still trying to figure out the journal. I haven't checked here in a few days.
I know I should, but I don't. I'm still walking as my exercise at least a mile a day, I'm starting slow. at first I would just a few blocks. I don't have a scale anymore, I weigh myself when I visit my brother and nephew. but I have a Dr's apt tomorrow so I'll see my progress. hopefully there is progress. sometimes that number on the scale can do more harm then good.

I see pictures in the magaizines and I'm tempted to go fast by going on some crash diet. But I know that it will probably take a year to reach my full goal, but I'm ok with that, or at least I'm working to be ok with that. If I stick to my plan go to overeaters meetings post on this site, support others I know I can make it to my goal.

I had an sos moment of my own last night, I just wanted something bad, anything bad it really didn't matter. but it passed, next time it happens I'm posting here I should have, but I will next time.

I had another Dr's appointment today. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all this health stuff. I can't help beating myself up about getting so heavy, but I keep telling myself that, I can't change the past, only my future, and little by little I think I'm creating a better future for myself.

I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for my test results.ugh, what's a girl to do. hopefully things will be ok.

I walked 2 miles today I'm pretty proud of myself, I think I'll start going to my school's gym, it's free, so I might as well. but I must admit, I'm a bit embarrassed to go; all those fit people walking around I know it will intimidate me. I guess I just have to suck it up. I'll be going for myself. I just have to keep telling myself that. I think I will go to the gym. all that tuition I pay includes these services so I might as well.

I've been keeping track of my calories for the last week and a half. I have a chart I set up. It's strange to have to measure things out and write them down, but it helps I could believe how much I was eating before. It must have been 4,000 calories or something. I only started tracking my food when I started eating less, but even that was a like 2500 so I had to start measuring.

Well day two in a row of writing in my journal. I'm going to write in here everyday. It feels good to let things out, and It keeps my focus away from wanting to cheat.

Hi, Nas, welcome to Diettalk.

Congratulations on the six lbs. gone, and good luck to you as you continue on your weight-loss journey. It isn't easy, but it can be done, and we will be helping you with encouragement and good advice.

The more you post on Diettalk, the more sense it will make. As for not wanting to be a diabetic, try as hard as you can to avoid it. I am a diabetic, and I know the problems that can come with the disease.

So keep posting regularly so that we can get to know you a little better.

Good luck -

Hi Jo,

Thanks for the welcome. I really am going to try my best to keep from becoming diabetic, I just have to keep telling myself what I'm doing all this for It's just hard sometimes to see my goal as a reallity. I'm working on it. coming here helps me stay on track.

I see you met your goal, Congrats, I'm sure it wasn't easy, but as they say nothing worth it ever is. It's always nice to know that other people did it, it gives me hope that I can get there too.

Thanks again,
Nas

Hey nas.. I just wanted to say good luck. It's always good to have motivation and trying to improve your health is the best reason I can think of.

Good luck,

~K

Hi Kelsey,

Thanks, I hope I keep motivated, I actually just read your journal and was going to post, but figured I didn't have time since I should go home it's past 5:30. So I will just post when I get home. but before I go I was going to mention a website to you in your journal, but I'll do it now. its:
www.nutritiondata.com (www.nutritiondata.com) it's really good you just type in the food on the search bar at the top and you get a list with all the calorie and nutrition info. Gotta go I will post in your journal later tonight. feel free to private message me if you need extra support.

Take Care,
Nas

Thanks, but I think that I've memorized the cals of every food known to man :o . Funny how I know how many cals are in everything but I can still eat so much. I think that I'm having problems with my matabolism. I should be burning 2500 cals for my age, sex and size but I burn 1500 a day according to this breathing test I took. So.. now I'm trying to eat a bunch of small meals so that I am always digesting something. It works better for me than starve, starve, binge, starve, binge, starve.

~K

Ha, tell me about I know way to many calories, but some foods surprise me though mostly fruits/veggies ( probably cause I don't eat them enough)

Yeah the small meal idea sounds good it's supposed to rev up your metabolism. I'm actually going to ask my Dr about the Hypoglycemic diet tomorrow, I've read some stuff about it and I think I'm going to try it. It's basically eating every few hours, but certain foods are out. I'll see what my Dr says about it. If I find any new info I'll share it in my journal for all to see. That is what I like about this site, people just share all this info and support each other, its great. now I'm going to write my journal message.

Ok it's officially the next day, so this counts as part of my journal a day, hopefully I'll write something in the morning. I don't even know why I'm up. I just finished writing a paper and I'm definitely craving food. I want to binge so bad, but I'm not going to, mostly because I have nothing in my house to eat, literally nothing.

if I had anything I would eat it so it's a good thing there isn't anything around. I've realized that when I have 'extra' food in my house I eat it all so now I try and buy food every few days or not prepare food for the week like I used to. It's not as convenient, but it's worth it on a night like this when if I had anything I would eat it. I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and I'm dreading it cause sometimes being in the store is so tempting.

I better go to the sos room and see if anyone is around to divert my attention from wanting to eat. I should just go to bed, I'm just going to end up not getting any sleep I'll swing by sos read a journal then go to bed.

Ugh, I don't want to go to my Dr's appointment, I'm afraid it might be bad news. They did another diabetes test this is the third one, I'm afraid it might be diabetes but I don't think it is the first test was in the 'close' range, and I have to get the results of the second and third tomorrow. I'm sick of seeing my Dr.

I know that if everything comes back ok I'm going to make these changes stick, I'm going to my schools gym tomorrow, no matter what happens. I have to make these changes stick, I cut out white rice, which I love more then cake, I know that sounds crazy but I do, or I did. If I can do that I can cut out all the other bad food and go to the gym and not care what anyone thinks. I'm trying, it's hard. ok that's enough blabbing on my part I'm going to read someone else's journal. I'll definitely write more in the morning

Hang tough !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :mus:

You CAN do this !!!!! :D

Beth :dance:

well today is D day, as in Dr's appointment day. I guess I'm scared, nervous, or all of the above. Whatever it is I will have to deal with it.

I'm proud of myself for actually posting in my journal today. I think I'm going to post here everyday, something else to keep me on track. No I will post everyday, even if it is one line I will post. I feel like when I start writing in this journal it just becomes one long stream of consciousness. I'm sorry for those of you that have to go through it. I really do try to use my punctuation. I have to make an effort or else my whole journal would be just one long run on sentence.

I've also decided to keep measuring my food, and come here whenever I'm tempted, even if it's just to read others journals.

I'm going to lose this weight I know I can, It may be a long journey, but I will. now I'm really leaving I"m going to be late if I don't go now. thanks for reading.

Thanks Beth for the kind words of encouragement, I just noticed your message. I'm trying my best.

hi Beth,

I don't know if my previous message went through, but thanks for the words of encouragement. Thanks again

take care
Nas

Well I went to my appointment and they didn't have the results back, which was frustrating, but I'll get them on monday. I just wish I knew for sure either way. I did get one peice of good news I'm 231.5 that means I've lost 16 pounds since I hit my highest weight. I thought I was going to weigh more, cause usally Dr's scales are very unforgiving. But I'm happy.

I won't get too happy though, cause I don't want the number on the scale to define me, I'm sure if I weigh in again, in a few weeks and I haven't done that well then I'll get depressed, so I'm going to just be happy that I'm progressing and let it keep me motivated. Especially since I have to make my dinner. I want to keep on going.

I changed my ticker cause looking at how much I had to lose was a bit daunting, it's better to have the actual goal weight on the ticker, I mean looking at 103 pouds needed was a bit much. I think this way is better.

I'm going to put my food on fitday then make dinner.Whoever suggested fitday.com is wonderful, I don't know who it was because it was in another diettalkers journal, but Thak you whoever you are. :) :)

well I'm not really sure if I've got a lot to journal about. I had to put in a petition to extend the withdrawal date of some of my classes from last year so I could ge them of my record. Oh that GPA it controls my life at this point. I was really stressing about it earlier.

I started school as a 14 and felt bad about it, and I'm now a 20 that goes to show you, I'd love to be a size 14 right now, but I'm working on it. I think last year my life just got out of control, my eating, school, relationships, everything. And when things get stressful I eat. I've got to learn new ways to deal with those issues when the stress is going to lead me to eat. I guess I'll have to make it exercise, but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point where I look forward to exercise. those people who say they love it seem strange to me, but maybe I'm just jealous.

I did do Tae bo this morning and I do feel a bit better, but while I was doing it I just wanted to quit, at least I finished, cause when I first tried it I couldn't even finish. well another day.

I'm still happy about the weight loss I've had, I think that kind of motivated me to do the tae bo today. well TGIF, I'm gonna go soon I'll just read some journals and go. :D

Hi all,

I realized that even when the Dr stuff was driving me crazy or I had to worry about school things or whatever I didn't handle it in the same way, I didn't run directly to the food, I may have wanted to, but I didn't I came here and just read posts, sometimes not posting, sometimes posting.

It really does feel like something is happening, I never have approached my weight in this way. Even a few weeks ago when I started on this site, my outlook wasn't as it is now. Something is changing and I pray that it will stay, I have faith that it will stay.

I think I do want to lose weight so I can look good, or even just blend in, I always hated being so conspicuous, still have to work on that, but I feel like I am making progress I don't dwell on those old feelings like feeling as if I stand out that, and that people are "thinking oh look at that fatty..." and if they do that is not my problem you can't control peoples thoughts If we could Brad Pitt would be in love with me :D no really I think I am very slowly getting to a place where I have to make a conscious effort to keep telling myself these things, and I'm doing it. Things aren't perfect, but I feel like the minor setbacks won't through me into a tailspin as before, I might have a mini melt down, but then it's over quick and I get back to life whereas before I would have freaked. Like my not getting my test results back, even a few weeks ago I would have freaked and just gone on a binge, but I know that won't help my health, only hurt it. I am still upset that I have to wait, but not as upset, and I'm not coping with food.

I have a feeling that I might slip up, but I just feel like I have failed so many times before, but at least this time if I do mess up I'll have better tools to get back on the horse. I'm not doing a fad diet, I'm really trying to make life changes that I can stick with. I'm tackling weight loss like I'm preparing for an exam or research paper ( not my usual way of cramming at the last minute), but the good way, by studying and reading and taking my time. Have I made sense at all? I'm sure I haven't, I just ramble on. but I really do feel that way like I'm preparing for the test of life, I guess that's silly, but I have never done these things for myself. I have never even thought it was a possibility that I could be normal size or thin, but now I believe and think it is possible. writing my goal wait at 145 seems less strange and scarry now, I think I can actually reach it. Whereas before I just wanted to be under 200, That is still a goal for me and one that I will celebrate big time when I reach it. :) :) :)
But now I believe that I can reach a size 12 or 10 or 8, before I thought I could only make it to a 14 and that was it. I have realized it's not the size it was my unwillingness to think beyond it. I mean who knows my body could get to a 14 and I could look great, and feel great/healthy, and that is where I would stop, but now I don't feel like it is where I have to stop because I CAN'T LOSE ANYMORE.

I'm setting different goals for myself, and it's not just fear, or wanting to look good (even though those are a part of it). it's more then that. I wan to do it for myself. I deserve to have a healthy life, and to go places and not feel judged cause I'm fat( whatever size I maybe), cause the feeling is more then the physical. I have never been thin, but I have been smaller than this and I still felt really huge. I just want that feeling to go away, and I think I deserve it.

I'm so thankful that I found this site, everyday is a struggle, but I'm gonna stick with it.

PS. just thought I would share a bit of exercise info I've found out. You lose the most calories if you exercise in the morning on an empty stomach, if you do it later it has much less effect in burning the calories.

some people can't do that cause of health reasons, but if you can supposedly working out in the morning is the best for cardia/aerobic, not weights though you need food in you for that. I'm going to try it, I've done it the last 2 days, so it will take me a while to see if there's any difference. I'll keep you posted.

ok I haven't done all the things I'm supposed to do today, and I really want to keep this journal short.

But I guess whatever comes out comes out. Usually I just start typing and stop when nothing comes out anymore, but I think that's a bit much so I'll try and 'think before I type'. maybe not.

I have to make my dinner, or it's leftovers again, I don't mind left overs I actually love them, but I'm trying to eat a variety of food.

I did tae bo today, and I'm proud of that, and some cruches too. I'm trying to make exercise a part of my life, but it's so hard.

I wish I loved veggies, like I love fruit, the only veg I like is spinach, and even then I much rather have anything bad for me, then veggies, but I'm going to do it. I have my health to think of.

I'm scared for mondays lab test results for diabetes( i think its the blood hemoglobin one), but I'm trying not to dwell on it. Anyways thanks for reading my vent.

Bye :)

wow I haven't posted in a few days, I've been writing in my fitday journal, I should just copy and paste it in here and add some, no I should actually write here first.

oh the other day I got a package from my mom in the States, and it had cookies :) :( I was happy for a second, then I thought oh no I wish she hadn't sent me these, cause I'm just going to binge on them. I was so afraid I would go crazy and eat them all, but I didn't I've had 2, and I've decided I'm going to give them to my brother, and he can have them. It's a good thing they were cookies, and not cake, cause cookies don't really trigger me that much.

I've learned that I have trigger foods and that I have to abstain from them. it has really helped. I'm still trying to figure out all the foods that set me off, now I know pizza does, and the idea of giving it up still seems horrific, but a girls gotta do...

Isn't it so hard when you're trying to eat right, and everyone else isn't and they just want to give you the junk food??? oh that's how I feel, I'm sure it's all in my head, all they have to do is offer once, and that's it. I'm working on that too, eating sensibly around those that do not.

I went to my brothers house, and I brought my own food, and he thought that was really strange, but he has so much junk food, around that I thought I better. I'm glad I did.

I was just reading over some of my journal posts, and I realize I have to start making more sense. It's good to vent, but it's more of a rant.

Anyways, I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and I hope it's something good. I have really been trying to stay on track. I don't want to have the number control me, but If I don't see at least 1-2 pounds off, I might have a mini flip out. I mean what is it all worth if I don't see results right. I hope it's 3 pounds off, but I have a bad feeling it might be nothing, well I have to wait and see.

I'm crossing my fingers that it's at least one pound. I haven't really eaten that much today, I had a paper to turn in so I was just working on it, and missed my dinner, and didn't really have a chance to get any lunch, I think I'll eat something really small even though I shouldn't, but I'm too hungry. Usually I would grab junk, but I don't have any junk in the house, oh I have my mom's cookies, but I'm not going to eat those.....I hope, I better get something now. The hungrier I get the more likely I'll eat those cookies. goodnight

Hi Nas,

I haven't read your journal for awhile. I'm up early this morning because the dogs were barking at about 4 and woke me up, so I got up for the day.

You sound like you are doing a good job working your plan for getting healthy. Congrats on the loss so far. :cheer:

Did you hear any results from you blood work? You are doing the best thing possible to keep from developing diabetes. I have been teetering on the borderline of diabetes for a long time, the dr. says if I don't try to lose some weight, I'll probably get it. I just joined Weight Watchers online, so I'll see how it goes.

Keep up the good work.

I have been gone for so long (5 days), and it seems like forever. I've just been crazed with school, and vacation, and then I had to change my password here, and I couldn't get the new one, all this stuff, well I'm here now. so that is what is important.

lets see, I haven't weighed myself for 11 days, and I'm going to do it today, oh I feel like if I haven't lost at least 3 pounds I'll be upset or 2 at the very least. I can't tell I think I have lost some, but I don't know. I'm going for 2 pounds a week so I should have 3 off.

I wish I could go faster, but I know it's not healthy, and I won't keep it off, but I am so tempted to just cut my calories from 1500 avg to 1100, but I won't cause I feel physically bad when they are below 1200. Maybe I'll cut to 1200 and that will give me 3 a week!!!! I think that's still healthy cause I have a lot to lose, maybe when I'm under 200 I'll have to lose less fast, but right now I think 3 a week is good.

well this was a ramble. but I am going for for 3 a week and I'll see how it goes, also depending on what the scale says today. well cross your fingers for me I'll post again tonight.

Well I made it through my dr's apt. and I'm ok, but i'm not going to give my self slack, before, I would have celebrated with food, but I didn't, I'm going to keep on track I've lost 4 actually 4.5 pounds, and I'm really happy I was hoping for 4 expecting 3 and would have been upset if it was any less, but I did well and I want to keep it up. It's nice to lose and do it the right way.

I'm tempted to try and lose faster, but I won't. so many Diettalkers have told me how bad it is, and I think it has actually been drilled into my head.

I'll just wait and see. I want to make this permanent, I've been looking at the pics forum and I'm so inspired and impressed by everyone there. You can really see the difference, and they're keeping it off, that's the best part.

I have never lost weight in this way before, usually I would just cut out a ton of food starve practically, and then cave and binge on everything after like 20lbs. The most I have ever lost was 36 pounds and the last last 4lbs loss was because I had my wisdom teeth out, and couldn't eat for more then a week. So it's not like I've done it the best way. Once I pass 30lbs the good way I think I'll buy myself something nice, I have no idea what though, my reward for myself was usually food. Now what?? I'm sure I'll think of something.

all the emotional eaters out there. Do any of you ever feel like you don't know what to do with your emotions now that you're not eating them??? I used to eat for any emotion now I can't and it feels weird, but I guess that's where oa is stepping in.
I'm coming up on my 6th meeting where I define my abstinence, make the commitment etc. and I'm happy, but sad. There is a lot that goes with saying I have no power over food. I know I don't, but I wish I did, I just can't get over what that means and just do it. I don't know if I think something is going to happen If I do admit it. who knows. I think I am ready, but then sometimes I think, well maybe I don't believe it in my heart, so how can I say it and accept it as part of oa. I should probably put this part in the oa forum, for people to see, but I just had to let it out in my journal.

it feels good to vent, and I'll just leave it at that. goodnight

Well I think I was avoiding posting tonight, I have a ton of things to get done before I go on vacation Saturday. I am dreading having to meet with my advisors at school, and discuss my next years plans and schedule. I want to get into grad school next year, and it seems like it's not going to happen. I would have to apply by December, and I just don't think my grades are good enough, I kind of bombed a good chunk of this year, and I don't know if my summer gpa will be high enough. I guess after next year I'll just take a break and work full time for a year and apply later.

I'm so stressed about going on vacation, I'm actually going to visit my parents in the states were having a mini family reunion. My sister and nephew are coming from London, and my brother I'm really excited about seeing them, but being at my parents house always stresses me out and when I'm stressed boy do I eat, and eat, and eat, I can just picture myself binging on all the worst kinds of food. I just feel like I'm on track and I don't want to mess it up. I have a new major goal to be 170 by my birthday, I would have to lose 2.2 pounds a week every week till then. I think I can do it casue that would be the average. Anyways I just think these weeks at my parents might throw me off that goal for sure. oh well I guess I just have to try my best. goodnight.

Hi Nas,

See you are doing pretty well. I have something to say about you feeling happy & sad about saying you have no power over food. Don't really know how to say it so I'll just do like you and just type it till its out.

I know where you're coming from on that. Mine was cigarettes. I have not smoked in 4 yrs and 2 1/2 months. It's hard turning your back on your best friend. That's how I saw quitting smoking. Then I came to the conclusion that I was scared to give up smoking. You know, what would I do when I was stressed? Bored? Lonely? Anyway, long story short, when I had the heart attack & triple bypass surgery I never smoked another cigarette. I'm not real sure this applies to food, but I think it surely does. But it's not like you can just stop eating. We HAVE to eat to live. So I guess it is all about controlling what goes in your mouth. But it is hard. Just like you with the emotional eating, I was an emotional smoker. Now I eat more when I am bored than any other emotional reason. So I don't know if this helped you any; but know that you have my support. You want to vent, whatever, PM me.

Hugs,

Kitty,
you were very helpful, I do feel like food is my best friend, and I think what will I do without it, but I'm working on it and that's all I can do.

The heart surgery must have been really scarry, are things good with your heart now?? I'm glad you stopped smoking my sister smokes, and I wish she would stop, she has tried, but it never works. I guess sometimes being scared strait works. It sucks that it takes such drastic measures to get on the right track. The diabetes scare, definetly got me more on the ball but it is hard.

Congrats for staying off the cigs for that many years :) I read somewhere that supposedly quiting ciggarettes is harder then quiting cocaine, because it has more addictive chemicals or something. So it takes a really strong person to do it. If you can do that I'm sure you can lose this weight.

Thanks for the support, we can do this we just have to keep trying, and when there's a slip-up try again.

TGIF, I'm soooo happy it's friday, this week seemed to go on forever. I didnt really exercise this week, and I ate more then usual, I didn't binge, but I didn't stay under 1600cals. I walked a couple days, but I didn't do tae bo, so I'm sure I didn't really lose anything.

I'm going on vacation tomorrow, I have to leave at 6 in the morning :( , but I'm happy to be going now, I wasn't before, cause I had so much to do before I left, and I was sure I would gain weight while I was gone, but now I know that I will do ok, at the very least I don't think I'm going to gain anything while I'm away. If I lose a pound while I'm gone I'll be happy.

the weeks are always longer before vacation. People are often suprised by their losses while on vaation, because peopel seem to walk much more when on vacation. I wouldnt worry about losing weight either, I would just try to watch your intake and if nothing else maintain your current weight. I hope you have a great vacation.

Have a good vacation. If you find a computer somewhere & have the time, give a shout out!!! :wn