08/jan
mood: moody, but not in a bad form

Im not gonna get obsessive over this. I just want to feel better. I have always ben a bigger girl, but its made me who i was. maybe that a bad atitude to have, but im happy with who i am. I think its easier having a boyfriend who supports you awell and loves you for who you are. but he can eat like a pig, i can not,he makes me want to though, and makes me feel bad if i am not eating like he does.
hes not a bad person, i have told him im gnna b working hard on this, so hopefully when hes sees the curves beoming less out and more in he wil understand.

Im a strong girl, so i know i can do it. Just need to stay focussed. I think my maind problem is distration. if im bored, ill eat. its habit thats my problem, like snakcing in the evening o having a nice big breakfast with boyfriend on his day off.

oh well, onto a new day tommorow :-)

jus thought i would add some more, to atart with im gonna loose wieght through exercise and decreasing food, butnot weighing my self, so i dont become obsessed, but measuring my wasitline/hips ect. im gonna start to go swimmining again soon, i just cant at the moment, self esteem is very low, no matter what boyfriend saya. i actually keep having dream where my friend are telling me im fat. ugh. oh well, im doing somthing about it now.

Welcome to DietTalk Grace,

:welcome:

Weight managment is like everything else, you learn as you go, and you travel one day at a time. It might help to decide on a relatively small goal to work for, and then when you reach that goal, set a new one. For me, trying to see the whole picture is too daunting a challenge. So one step at a time works better.

You have begun, and I wish you great success as you move forward.

Have a great day.

Hi Grace, well I did find your journal. You have some good reflections and are strong in spirit. good luck and have a great week.

Hi Grace,
I know what your going through, I have been married for 13 years so my hubby has seen me Big and Small. I have never been real little but since i have had 3 kids my weight kept creeping up after each one and my self esteem has gotten worse . But now i have finally realized that i have to do this for my self and nobody else. My hubby is thin and Muscular, He loves me. But we had our problems over my weight. You can do this it just takes 1 day at a time. I have been trying to lose weight for 12 years now and have been on a roller caoster with my weight but now i am finally doing it. There are some wonderful people on here who are so inspiring, I love this site and i hope you get the motivation and support that you need.
Take Care
Veda:)

Hi there! Welcome to DT. :)

I look forward to reading your successes.

Corinna

thanks for the wonderfull replies :-)

Hi Grace,
Isn't it a pain having this small b/fs? :)
Mine can eat whatever, if he does gain 5 lbs, it's off in a week. But he is very supportive, yours will be too I bet when he sees how dedicated you are to this. Wishing you all the best for 2006.
maryse

DAY 2

the day of the journey.
so today i started with a small bowl of cereal, i had an apple a banana and apple for luch/break and a dinner of pasta peas and chicken. i then had a banana and greek yogart with some sultanas.

acording to my counting thats .....
550 dinner
250 desert
170 lunch
170 brekfast
and one tea so 30 cals.

which is 1170 not bad for a first day. i proberly will end up having a more nutritious lunch, but to get started, and pove to my own body and mind im SERIOUS about this, i feel it was a good attempt.
I alwso went to the gym with sarah my betufill thin friend who is 'tonning her tummy'. She being very supportive, and doing situps together is fun.
It also helps that i am her study for her sport coursework. very brave thing to do when im attempting weight loss.

i have been told a good way to just make your tummy tighter is to do situps before u go to bed. so i may take up this routine of doing a fw in the evening.

anyway day 2 was good, hope day 3 will be similar. the cravings will kick in soon enough. oh nooooo

Great to see you have a super day. Keep up the good work!:)

Hi Grace,
Great to hear that you had a great day. We all need some of those. The cravings can be the worse though. Just got to make sure you have the right foods in the house when that happens.
Hope day 3 is even better.
Maryse

Had a really strong 2 days, cals have been around 1200, and although i have been majorly stressed from an important exam, i havent stress eaten. im starting to think thin now, and can actually feel my body enjoying the lack of food. Either that or the change is huge

Wonderful Grace,

You are doing so well! I'm so happy for you.
Keep up the good eating.............

Cograts on your great start! I wish you all the best on your journey!
I know you can do this.

thanks people, nice to here so much luv hehe. im off to to do much a wokring out now. talk soon
byebye x

13.january

10 49 am

feeling: lazy, tired, achy.

Yesterday was a long hard day and i went over my cal limit but only by 40 cals. I had so much activity planned, and we only ended up doing about an hour of it, but my fitness freak boyfirned whos like a black belt in taikwondoe was saying, with how much walking and rushing i did from to town and town to school, and up and back (and with 7 JOUNRYE ON LOCAL BUSSES) i would have ended up walking around 4-5 miles. My legs hurt today, which is a good thing.
i was skipping yesterdya, supposedly one of the better ways to loose weight, and im pretty good at it, i have good reaction time. so im gonna look into getting my own jump rope.
I can also feel my body eating at the fat alot of the time. its a weird feeling, somtimes i get freaked out. I feel very tired when i do exercise, because of the lack of sugar in my diet. im gonna have to find a better way to get some adrenalin in me, without pilling on calories i dont really need.

my boyfriend is being extremly supportive over this, and helps me keep a calorie diet, and even though he worried, hes being great.he bought me some flowers yesterday which was nice suprise, to say thanks for everything i have done for him recently, and well done for doing the diet so far. lol.

oh well feeling positive today, had my cereal. and ill try and stay under 1300, as tommorow im allowing myself a extra 100 cals for a treat (like a pascket of crisps) or somthing small. yay lol.

Hey, your doing great on your calories. :)
Isn't it great to have a supportive b/f. Mine is too, and makes it so much easier, I wish he would exercise though with me. He has never had a weight problem, but exercise is good for everyone :)
Maryse

14th jan
10 27 am
mood: like i dont deserve to be here.

This morning i after buying new scales yesterday i weighed myself.I havent yet weighed myself before starting the diet (only measuring myself in inches).I realised (because i havent weighed myself in 2 years due to fear) i weight 14lbs more then i guessed i weighed.
:(
im not really sure how to get it off my mind, and i hate how big i am more then ever now. im scared its gonna make me not wanna eat at all.

my boyfriend is wonderfull yes, but he thinks i weigh the smae as him if less which is about 28lbs less then i do. i could never ever tell him the truth, i cxant even face it myself.

i know im doing somthing about it so i shouldent worry, but im so depressed from hardly eating, and knowing how big i am.

its on my mind constantly this diet, especially with such a busy life i lead, and if i ever get a day to rest like yetereday i feel bad for relaxing and think im pilling on weight, when im proberly not.

i know its gonna takre time, but in my mind it was gonna take about 7 weeks to loose the 14lbs, but now in my mind i have to loose atleast double that, so im gonna be dieting this way for 14 weeks. all to loose 2 stone (uk style) which isnt really that much.

i really need some help or inspiration.....
grace xx

Hi Grace,
This may scare you my next words,, but it should be a lifelong thing :)
If you can, dont look at it as 14 weeks of dieting, look at it as a change of lifestyle. Just change some of the foods you eat, smaller portions, less sweets, less fat, if you just incorporate that into your diet, the weight may come off slower, but if you stick to eating that way, it won't come back. And exercise is good even if you are a size 6,8,, so by taking it slowly it makes it easier and better chance of success.
Maryse

17 jan

09.36 am

mood. just woken up, a bit dazed still.

Yesterday was one of those days, you just feel so tired. One where u know your eating all the calories u have in your body, and then your running on empty untill you have a good meal inside of you.
Its weird how i absolutley love thje feeling of my tummy eating eatself. Not because i like pain, but because its like satisfaction.

Im gonna takje today off possibly, just because i have some coursework to finish up, and tonight and tommorow im more busy then ever.
alot of my school mates are starting to feel extremly distant now. Me and sarah, are doing the very best to do something togather once or twice a week. But apart from her, everyone else feels so imature and self centered. My mind is ready to move on from them onto university. To make some new friends.

The diet itself is going well calorie wise, but exercise seems to be against me. Its really hard to get around to doing stuff. which such a heavy timetable, i barley get to seemy boyfriend, never mind get to see the gym.
im off home tommorow, so i may consider going swimming with mum on thursday, if shes up to going.

anyweay best do some work now
tara for now caloire couters.

Hi Grace,
You are doing good. Like maryse said it needs to be a life change. You need to eat healthy so you will be healthy.Go low fat and stick with the good food.

Have a Great week.

18th jan

8. 30 pm

mood, kinda tired, kinda bored, but full :-)

i thought i would do a track of all my cals so far, this being day 10 diet wise.

1 - 1170
2 - 1270
3 - 1280
4 - 1230
5 - 1260
6 - 1420 :(
7 - 1190
8 - 1290
9 - 1210
10 - 1230

which with only one really bad day isnt too bad. im under on every single day what i used to eat, which i bet was around 2500, as i didnt are what went in.
Today cravings started to kick in, and i started to feel like i havent lost a thing, and wonderd why i was doing this. My will power is very good at the whole not eating thing, but when it comes to effort to exrcise i cant seem to get my butt off the sofa or chair, or orr the easle in the art room to go to the gym
but tommorow im off there with my friend sarah, and im determined to stat a new walking regime next week.

im getting so tired so easily at the moment, proberly partly to do with how little im eating. But it does feel enough. when imin the gym, or walking somwhere i dont feel likeim gonna collapse. And i have od blood presure so if i am dehydrated or lacking in food my body will react by making me collapse, thats why i coul never be anorexic, dammit lol.

Tonight i may find some outfits i really want when im slimmer. Im going to have some big challenges this weekend to face before my weighing in 4 days.

1) going to dinner in a very unhealthy restaurant, and will wanna drink alcohole, but cant. :-( Temptation will be very strong.

2) will be sat around house without boyfriend to entertain me, so temptaion to do bugger all will be strong. need to pry myself out the chair to o some walking.

3) need to start skipping or doing some workouts around boyfriends house, as im there alot without him. i wonder if there are anyhing i can do while im cleaning up.... hmmm.

anyway i have ponderd enough for now, im gonna go think somewherelse lol

grace x

oh and thanks for the support u guys.

19th jan 06

20:48 pm

mood, bored, not hungry,achy in my knee

So today was a good day. I managed to do amazing on calories, thanks to subway (suprisingly) and i also went to the gym and worked so hard the sweat was coming off me. YAY lol i never thought i would want that to happen.
I got in contact witha girl who is giving me inspiration to loose weight, looking at her before and after pictures is great for me, because she looks so much happier when she had lost a bit of weight.
I managed to do 25 situps today , which was good for me. Im gonna increase it by 5 every time i do them.
Im still not sleeping amazingly, but i think thats just bad habits. WHne i finally get to sleep, i sleep like a baby so im not to worried for now.

anyway off to not think about food lol
grace x

22 jan
10 35 am
mood: pesimistic, bloated STILL

so i managed to eat 655 cals yesterday i think, adding up the stupid huge mealk i had :-(. I harly ate any of it, thats what is annoying. And i ate so slowly so people wouldent think i was being rude , not eating a meal which was bought for me.
My boyfriends sister, emma is so weird with me. I wanted to have strawberries and ice cream for dessert but they didnt have strawberries so i decided not to have anything, but maybe a shot of baileys. But she kept going on and on about how i should have a big ice cream DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT. inSIDE MY HEAD I WAS JUST SCREAMING. iT WAS SO HARD TO SAY no
then my boyfriend and his sister and her boyfriend all had HUGE ice creams, sat surrounding me. I just felt so upset.I didnt even particularly want one, but having to say no makes you want one more.
I ended up having this chinese dish thing, but only eating things that wernt coverd in batter or grease so thick i could see my reflection init.

Tonight is no beter :-(
Im off to my boyfriends house with all of them from the meal last night, and she serves amazing but extremly fatty dinners. And tonight is roast turkey, which i love. And although the actuall meat of turkey isnt to bad calorie wise, its all the gravy and potatoes and butternut squash she gives out.
I find it so hard to leave food on a plate when im hungry.
Im still feeling very down from yesterday, but better then i was. Hopefulyl that will get better. Im sure it wont help me not being able to eat a thing today untill 5pm tonight :-(
Great fun hey! Stupid families.

date 25.01.06
time 9 07 pm
mood full, tied, relaxed in an odd way.

So my diet struggeld big time over the weekend, i was bloated and had some problems with sticking to numbers, but i managed to go no highed then 1500 i think, so no real damage. Yesterday, all i coulde think about was this cake mix we have, and how we havent made it yet, and it would b nice thing to do with my boyfriend to comiserate his not passing his driving test. So food was on my mind, i went up to 1500 yesteday pretty much, which sucks, but i managed to contoll it today.
I did have a problem with my blood sugar levels dropping dramatically after5 hours of no food or drink, and having danced for 3 hours and painted for 2.
Im gonna have to get into the habit of bringing more fruit/water to college with me to keep me going.
I got on the scale this morning, and saw a hug suprise, i had lost 3 more pounds.... i think it was because i had no water in me, and no food, and i was lighter then ever LOL. I dont know if this is right, or just a fluke. but ill check again on the weekend.
so i could have lost almost 7pounds YAY ME. i was starting to doubt if i had lost anything, at all. My boyfiend says he can see a difference, i cant yet. I can feel how much better my body is from not having so much crap init.

School is so hectic right now, i have to be carefull i dont run myself into the ground. Im doing 3 hours rehusing, singing dancing, acting and 3 hours painting a day, which for someone who normally sits all day is a good 400 extra calories being burned just by being so physically active, ven if its not making me sweat (_too much)
also i am prone to stress headaches, so im having to take a suppliment which calms me down, makes it easier to get through the day.

anyway, apart from that life is ok, shame my boyf didnt pass his driving test, but hes gonna do it again, proberly best if hes not good yet lol. oh well

keep loosing
grace xxx

27th jan
12 31 pm
mood, unwell rundown, gonna go watch bad telly all afternoon lol.

well its been 19 days on this diet and im pleased to inform myself i have lost 6lbs. Which is brillo, as i was hoping to loose 7 by feb the 8th, This will make me a whole stone in uk weight, so then the tru battle begins. Loosing another 14lbs to get to the next level of stone.




1 - 1170
2 - 1270
3 - 1280
4 - 1230
5 - 1260
6 - 1420
7 - 1190
8 - 1290
9 - 1210
10 - 1230

11 - 1140
12 - 1433
13 - 1200
14 - 1210
15 - 1480
16 - 1280
17 - 1600

I have really started to slip the last 7 days, yet somehow i managed to loose 3lbs. Im not gonna keep slipping though. Im gonna have to have more cals on days im doing more (like a grease day) but i dont have one of them untill monday now, so gonna try hold back untill then. Today im feeling very unwell, i had horrible gas all night and bad tummy pains, and now i feel very heady, like a fever is coming on. I feel kind of dizzy too :-(
Im just gonna rest uo today, so im better for tommorow as me and my boyfriend are off to a gig.

I havent worked out in ages, but i worked out i did 16 hours of extra painting for grease which is 90x 16 cals. 1440 extra and about 9 hours of singing dancing and drama extra in the last 4 days ALONE 810 which works out as almost half a LB of fat lost just thoruhg being exhausted and overworked in school.
So im not fussed about the exercise this week, im going to a gig, which will be a workout, and im gonna be in the gym monday or tuesday so will try to get bak on track then.
oh and also my situps are going great, i have got into a the routine of doing them every few days and increaseing them also. They are becoming alot easier, and quicker.
yay me..... for now.
just not gotta let this slip.

the one keeping me going in this
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/DSC05408.jpg

me when i liked my body and self about 2 years ago http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/me.jpg

my gym buddy and workout instructor lol
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/newyearfun2031.jpg

date 30 jan
time 21 13 pm
mood tired, but warm from tea

just a quick note to say went to the gym today, and did a 3 hour rehusal, so im pretty pooped i went over 1300 cals today, which sucks, cause i have to loose 1 lb by next wenesday, must be stricter tommorow lol. Im off to get the rest of my costume sorted tommorow, hopefully as show is in 9 days. I have to really practise my songs, i have hardly done any preporation for them. oh well
talk soon
grace x

Stop by to see how you are doing. You are doing just great. Doing 1,300 calories is VERY GOOD. You will still lose with that total. Just try and don't go below 1,200. We don't want you getting sick.
I stay between 1,200- ,1600 and will still lose 2 pounds a week.

Keep up the great work!

i hope i do still loose weight, i cant weight till grease is over, i can start exercising more frequently. wooo lol

Time 10 16 am
Mood fairly happy
Day tis wednesday the 1st.

Well im drawing close to Grease finally being put on show today,and im going in to do another 4 hours of it. I havent been painting as much this week, as i think its only fair, as im doing so much extra for grease anyway. Ill b glad when its all over now.
My mum was in a car crash last night, luckily shes fine, but her car was written off, poor lady. IM off home tonight to see her.First time in a while, but i was getting fed up of them stressing over money at me. Especially when i have my own money problems they dont seem to listen too.
Me and lee had a lil talk last night which led to alot of tears, and anger coming out, but its nothign serious, just talking about how i could see small problems we have a sa couple holding back our realationship in the future, and i wanted somthing to change.
But i had a ncie lie in today, to set me up for the long day ahead of me.
I think i have lost another pound today, which means i have hit targett for next wednesday, but im not gonna say i have deffinetly, ill come bak on saturday and see if its the same or lower, and then i can change it. This was the first time in ages i saw the scales go down to 15 stone, even for a second, it was still amazing :-)
i cant wait untill iu have lost a whole stone ill be sooo proud of myself, more then anything i think. IT been very hard to keep cals low, with grease, but im trying not to worry to much. OH well.

bye for now
grace x

Have fun with grease. Enjoy it . And take care of your needs. See you in chat.

time 19 53
mood calm
date 03 feb


So today weas a 6 hours dress rehursal of grease, i had to do one of my 2 solos, and i was nervous, but i think i did good baby. lol. I had to hold my diapham in to get some of the notes to be more powerfull/ longer. The second one is so much harder though.
My parents are driving me insane and i dont even live with them. They have such bad money habits, and all they do is take it out on me, because im still leagally there dependant still being in full time education.
But im ok from a hard days work,. which is happening again sunday and monday. But oph well ill have a day off tuesday, and wednesday morning and then only 3 days of school/shows till a whole week and a half rest YAY.

The diet is going weirdly, i have been really good, trying to keep it around 1350 cals, during grease days and i had one bad day yesterday up to 1550, but nothing amazingly different. Overall the diet is going amazingly, even though sometimes i think im doing a hell of a lto worse then i proberly am. But the scales are being cruel to me. This morning it said i had put on 3 lbs in 3 days which is crazy, considering i have been so busy. I did have a huge tummy pain today which may mean im just bloated, and my body is fighting off becoming run down from working so hard.
I went to the gym right at the start of the week and did a netball match on thurssday (which was extremly tiring and suprising as to how unfit i have become since a few years ago when i couild play up to 2 hours of netball and i was fine.) i really wish i was that fit again, but i suppose i need to go running or play more sports. But its hard at my age, and size to join a team, and running is embarressing. Ill proberly start going swimming next saturday, as i dont have a job.
I applied for a job at this amazing jewelery store today, i really wnat it, but dout i will get it.
anyway apart from that im ok really, not hungry, not tired at this moment, just listening to some tenacious D and feeling mellow about life. :-)

gracey xx

Date 05 feb 2006
Mood crampy
Time 10 21 am on a sunday.... gah


So i had a messed up night sleep last night, but today i have grease rehursals, and lots of stuff to do before then so i cant really think about it to much. I have these incredibly painfull cramps from my period, i have never ever had them this bad. I wa sup at 5 am not sleeping, looking online to see what they are and how i can ease them. I never realised they were mild contractions of the womb :-s
To make things worse my boyfriend decided he would snore for the the first time in a year and a half last night when i couldent sleep and was in pain. but oh well, tonight i will proberly just pass out from exhaustion.
Tommorow is all day rehursal, and today is a 4 and a half hour rehursal.

Im really annoyed i wont be able to know if i have made my first targett, i have been so excited about hitting it, for about 2 weeks now, and im on my periodso my weight has gone really weird. I wont know untill next saturday my actuall weight. LAmeo. I wish i wasnt so bloated, i feel so uncomfortable, and alot of the reasons i wanted to loose weight for grease, was that i wanted to fit my costumes better.

Im gonna have to find a way to relax, because im starting to get really stressed out. I over ate a bit yesterday but was still under 1600, which i have never ever been over so im happy. this is my 28th day dieting, i hope under all the period weight i have lost 7 lbs, because it will be a great achievment for me.
Also im really looking forward to going right down to the next level, im looking forward to getting in the gym over the half erm break and working off some extra weight. IM really focussed, i just hate that i have this barrior infront of me at the moment.

anyway im gonna go relax somhow for a lil bit.
grace x

8/feb/06
10 13 am
smiley and achey


This must have been the hardest play i have done in a while, just because of how hard they have pushed us. But its all paying off, performance wise, and weight wise.
Im now under 16 stone WOOOOO infact i weighed myself 3 times this morning (as i do each time)
and i got
16.0
15.14
15.8
so i took 15.14 and im a well happy bunny, considering 2 days agoi within my period i was 16.02-16.04 so that means i know weigh 222lbs. I know its still a long way to get under 200, that will b a hurdel in itself, but im loosing at a good rate, so i can see it happening.
I had a bad few days food wise, because my body has been craving sugar so bad, and i couldent fight it, as i have been so washed out. I hadnt gone to crazy, but i could have been better......
Oh well today is a new day, and im determined to loose the next 5lbs, in under the 6 and a half week time fram i have given myself. I know the next 5 lbs should be really hard, and ill increase my sports.
So yes ni am fairly happy today, and want to go on stage in an amazing mood, knowing i look 9lbs lighter in the prom dress ill be waring. First dress in years i have worn mind u.
so yes, ill leave it on a good note today
YAY ITS WORKING
lol
grace xx

pictures of me now in my prom dress, and performing my solo :-s

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/DSCF0732.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/DSCF0726.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/DSCF0663.jpg

Wow you are doing so great! I loved the pictures. I also love the movie grease, years ago I could dance hours to that music. Still would if not for my bad knees. You looked very pretty in your gown. keep up the great work and you will see that scale go BELOWWWWWWWWWWW 200.

feb the 10th
10 41 am
mood, sleepy and a bit sicky


Well im starting to feel the brunt of the show today. Yet last night went sooo well. I think in a way it was because my boyfriend was there, it made me want to do amazing for him, especially in both songs. He and his parents were stunned i could sing lol. I was really flatterd at that, because i havent got an amazing voice, just someone who has guts to try.
But tonight is the last one so im gonna have loads oif fun with it if i can.
Im having problmes with the lil kenickie( my fake boyfriend) cause im naturally a fun playfull person so i think hes starting to take it a bit too seriously and thinks i fancy him. He knows i have a boyfriend but i made a joke about him getting his coat cause hed pulled and he looked at me oddly, and i wsaid 'IN THE PLAY' and he looked like i had offended him.
HMMM im proberly reading to much into it. It is a bit odd pretending to kiss someone 3-4 years younger then you. But oh well its kind of fun.
Tenacious D are getting me into good moods no matter what i do at the moment, and The way Jack Black has his confidence shine through his size, so his talent wins him fans has inspired me in this play.
I feel really great in my dress on stage. Proberly cause i get to ware heels and i love heels lol, i love the femininity which goes along with them, specially as im usually dfressed so bloakish.

As for the diet, the last week its come second place to Grease. I have had to have high sigar to be able to run and dance and sing for 4 hours a night. All the nerves and extra stimulation to my brain was needed tokeep me going, and i cant get that push from fruit, normall days i can.
But TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF ALL THIS. even having this healthy yogart this morning is making me feela but puckey.

So next week me and my boyfriend are going on a mini break (hopefully depending on money) and were gonna swim and walk and burn of anything i have put on. Not that i think i have because of the extra exercise. But hey were not gonna let it happen lol.

So yeh thats life at the moment. :-)

Time: 13:52
Mood: peacefull
Date: 12/02/06

So i have been off school for 2 days now, well college, and it feels good to just relax. My weight has been fluxuating alot arround grease, high energy more sugar in my blood going up and down like a yoyo. The last 2 days i have been better theough, back to normall food, and intake. My weight is now exactly as it was on thursday, but i really want to loose another pound soon, just to inspire me to go on. I know it will happen soon, just gotta give it time.

Im off on holiday in 2 days YAY. im so excited. AlTHOUGH WE ARE ONLY GOING TO Bude in cornwall, and its predictred to rain alot of the time we will be there, im looking forward to just relaxing. We got a great lil guest house, with a room with dvd and a tv on the wall,and in a nice area. Which should be great.

Just must remeber not to spend to much money or eat to many bad foods. lol.
anyway talk soon
grace x

I been having some serious problems with calorie controll recently....:-(
so me and my boyfriend went away to cornwall Bude to getsome rest and walk alot. But its such a small little village that they dont have any thing very healthy there. Which sucked. So having to eat out everynight led me to these results.....

13/02 1350
14/02 1900 :O
15/02 1640
16/02 1420
17/02 1650

now i did try and allow myself a little extra, but i think i over did it abit. I managed to do 4 hours worth of walking over clifes while i was away and a 2 hour swim. Im really eating little today though. Need to get back on targett........ hmmmm.

I feel really bad that i have been going over targett.While i was away i was so wahse dout with recovering from Grease, we had very early nights and spent alot of our days busy, walking somewhere or another.
It was good to get away though.
Today i have been preparing my portfolio of art work, for my interview to get into college next week. Its taken ages to get ready for this, and im so stuck on ideas for what to talk about. I have topr eally start getting some enthusiasm about the course i want to get onto.
I hoped all the extra exercise would combat the calories, and at points in sure it did, but im sure the lil binge will effect how quickly i loose any more weight now. Its been about 2 weeks at this current weight.... i want to loose more... :-(

anyway thats it for now.
grace x

date 20/02/06
time 17:26
mood singing loudly

well today has been an odd day, had some interesting conversations with peoplem 2 people i havent spoken too for a while, and sorted out a silly friendship split with another, although i doubt it will eevr be the again now, which is sad.
But i have also sorted alto out for my interview on wednesday, i managed to try and find some jewelery, and sort out which piece im going to talk about. I managed to gather my thoughts, which especially with art i find quite difficult.
Im looking forward to the shcool trip tommorow to london.gonna go see a wonderfull shakespear play in the globe.....
Then got the long trip on wednesday, and im taking the rest of the week off to finish cw, as im in london this weekend.
anyway i thought i would post some pictures of my holiday....
and the diet is going ok, i think im getting back on track now, i just wish i could loose 2 lbs this week, would feel great about life again..... oh well waititng game now. :-s

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/bude079.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/bude065.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/freethetoys/bude019.jpg

well life is kind of crazy at the moment this end of the world...

lets start with the good

the school trip on tuesday, although tiring and ending up being freezing cold walking at about 6mph through london for about 4 miles, was good. had a nice meal and went around the globe and tate modern art gallery. also saw mid summer nights dream my fav production of shakespears, i love it. It was a good night. but i got home at 2am

i then got up 8am wednesday to get ready for the interview, we drove for 2 horus to get there, and i was so tired and nervous. i felt really sick. the interview was very bad, the man who talked to me said he didnt really like my work, and made lots of comments about why i couldent remeber names of people i had seen in the tate the previous dasy (the fact we were only there through chance and only there for an hour...stupid twat) so i got a very negative feeling from the interview and was very dissapointed with myself. I fetl completly thrown all day to why thehell i was doing art. I lost all faith in myself and i lost direction for life. So after falling asleep at 8pm last night,

i got up today and spent most the day trying to clear my head by focussing on my english cw i havent yet handed in (4 days late so far). I hoping the teacher will be understanding though, as i have had grease and interviews and portfolio preporation.

But i did get a portfolio viewing for chelsea the best art school in the UK. which is great because they wont have to talk to me, juts look at my work (i think i messed up cause i opend my mouth). And im also applying for bournemouth and exeter just in case.

Im off to london again on the weekend to see my boyfriends sister and her fiance. There a nice couple, and may get my hair cut which will be good. I love getting my hair cut, makes me feel better.

Sop once my cw is done i wont be stressed anymore, well for a while. Im dissapointed i ****ed up the interview, but i hope its fates way of saying i should not go there. I hope someone lets me in though, because i do work hard for art and i feel like i deserve it :-s

the diet has been back on track but last 2 days i have had odd eating habits, healthily but high on school trip, and low cal but alot of fat content yesterday. I dont think i have lost weight yet, proberly down to no exercise, but ill start going swimming next week, which will be great.

where has my diet gone??

a few badish days and my diet has gone crazy. my weight fluxuates so much at the moment, last week aftera bad week i managed to maintain the exact weight i origionally lost, untill this weekend when i didnt realise we were going to be staying with 2 people who eat like there going to die if they dont, we had a chinese and huge homemade pizza and ginat donoughts and big freid brekfasts, i cut corners where i could, but to be honest that wasnt many places. :-(
So now im really annoyed that all my hard work has gone to pott a bit, Im hoping the new week will be different. Im gonna try stay under 1200 cals 3 days this week, and im gonna go to the gym thursday and try and swim tuesday morning with mum. I spose that may help a bit.
I hate working out that i should have lost about 12lbs by now, with how long i have been on the diet but i think i have barley lost 9 :-(how depressing. I feel like i cant work any harder on this diet, and especially when your stressed you dont really want to be eating very little, becaus eim knwon for getting unwell when i do that.
oh well
i just hope i reach my goal in 2-3 weeks.
I think if i do that ill be back on track, to even loose a pound or 2 extra before then would really make this whole thing feel worth it. :-)
grace x

I really wish life was just a little bit simplar somtimes.
Im doing ok with my calories, i could be doing alot better really. But all i end up doing at the moment is getting stressed and haveing my head play silly games with me, making me dout my future and my worth.Mkae me think well why the hell shold i bother to change my appearance?I havent lost anything in so long now its bringing me down. I am eating about 600 cals less a day on average you would think in 3 weeks i would show at least some change.
i have managed to sustain the exact same weight, somtimes it fluxuates, but nt for very long. And yes i have had some bad days, but i have had good days to make up for it, or made sure i exercised to battle off the weight i could maybe puton, which has worked.
im trying to go swimming soon, but its fitting it in. Im also trying to go to the gym on thursday, hopefully that will help the weight loss. :-(
grace xxx

date 2/3/6
time 14.01
mood blue

well diet is back on track this week, been managing to stick to about 1400 either 50 up or down. I also did a work out in the gym today which was tiring, but worth it. reckon i burnt about 200 cals proberly.I want to burn more, and im hopefully getting an exercise bike soon.
Im having problems with my boyfriend at the moment, just not sure how i can make him happy anymore. Everything i try, i fail at. Just feeling a bit worthless.
Im trying so hard to loose weight mainly for his sake, and i dont think its enough.
:-(
i dont want this to be the end of us, i love him, and i know he loves me. Juts going through a bit of a hard patch.
i hope this doesnt effect me loosing weight, cause i was hoping it would go down a pound by tommorow :-s
grace x

had another good 2 days, even though i was so down yesterday i had 2 glasses of wine, and managed toi still come in at just 1500. which is good considering i had a mini binge, it just involved grapes instead of cookies like i wanted LOL.
today the scales were normall for the first time in about 3 days, been going all over the place.im hoping im coming to that time of the month, because last mouth i retained SOOO much water like 4lbs of it, and when i came off i had lost more weight then i could ever expect, but i was at grease, which imsure helped sooo much. Im supose to go swimming today, but lee was in a car crash and ill feel bad if im out enjoying myself with a friend instead of here on the other end of the phone where he needs me :-s We have been having such a hard time recently. And next week is gonna be no different , i have an interview for chelsea, which is gonna be really weird. The best art school in the country are gonna interview lil old me. And i find out about anothe rinterview i had which went very badly two weeks ago.... sigh
im sure it will all come round in the end. i hope :-s

went to the gym yesterday had like 1250 cals, been so freakishly good, no change to weight, so im angry. getting exercise bike next week somtime, and after that if nothing comes off for a good while, ill either cry or give up

Oh Grace,

You sound so much like me. You try to stay positive, but sometimes you get so depressed. Which makes you want to just give up and eat.

Which makes you more depressed.8-|

And the scale doesn't like to move. :( X-(

I've been there before. All I can think of to say is, try not to eat in responce to stress. If you are not physically hungry, stop and think about why you are feeling compulsive, and give yourself what you really need.....rest, nurturing, etc. Try to do something for yourself that makes you feel good. Treat yourself in ways that do not involve food.

Be patient with yourself. This is a life-time change. Take it one day at a time. The scale WILL move eventually. Give it time and stick to your healthy plans. You deserve to take good care of yourself.

I love the pictures. You are very pretty. I'd love to see some of your artwork. I imagine its very nerve-racking to give interviews, perform, etc. My 17 yr. old daughter is into music. She plays the clarinet and also sings. She got to sing at the Wisconsin High School Honors Mixed Choir Concert last year in Madison. She is very talented, but she gets very nervous for auditions. Did you know that many artistic people tend to be very sensitive and emotional? I know my daughter is. :D

Don't give up on your new healthy habits. You are so pretty and talented, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You have so much to offer the world! Just do your best, one day at a time, and the future will take care of itself. :hug: