mertz
02-10-06, 04:21 PM
This is actually pre-program for me. I won't be starting my weight loss journey until Mon. morning. That's just the way I need to do it. I've got to set a date and then prepare myself before I begin. But I wanted to start my journal on DT today. I want to write about how I'm feeling now so that when I'm feeling lazy and unmotivated maybe I can come back and read about the way I felt before I began my journey.
I'm warning you, this post is going to sound real negative and depressing so you may not want to read it. As I mentioned above, I'm writing it for my future reference. I'm usually a positive person and believe that pity parties are destructive to our personal progress, and you won't see much of this type of writing in my journals in the future.
Today I'm feeling so frustrated and depressed. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months and in the process of a divorce and would like to start looking for a man friend. I want to start out slow with just e-mails for a while and I've been checking out some of the dating web sites. And it's left me feeling really discouraged with the way I look and feel. I know now that I am not ready for this step.
I am a recovering drug addict and on Jan. 26th. I reached my one year clean birthday. I am so proud of myself for that accomplishment but I feel absolutely terrible about the weight I've packed on since I quit using drugs. And it's time for it to stop!! I can't go on this way. It's slowly killing me inside. I had my annual physical and blood work done last month and all my numbers came back good, which I'm very grateful and pleased about, but I have other health issues due to my weight and if I don't change my lifestyle I'm headed straight for diabetes and heart problems.
I am hurting so bad inside because of my eating disorder. I feel like I've been standing in a room full of people screaming at the top of my lungs for help and nobody has heard me. I need to go into a treatment center but that is simply out of the question. I live near one of the best in the country but when I checked into it I found that it costs $900 a day. Can you believe that? So in other words, if you don't have the insurance to pay for help like that you just have to find a different way. Doesn't seem fair to me but I know, who ever said life is fair?
I am very active in NA and attend meetings regularly. I also have a real good sponsor who has been in the program and clean for 19 years. I have talked with her a great deal about the eating disorder and have mentioned it in some of my sharing at meetings. My sponsor and other addicts in the group are supportive and see it as just another manifestation of my disease of addiction and I agree, but I don't think they fully understand the real pain I live with every day.
Right now I'm sitting at my front window looking at the people in my apartment complex who are sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and each others company. I feel so alone inside by myself, but I just can't bring myself to go out and join them. Not today anyway. And the irony of the whole thing is that I live at a place for people with disabilities and most of those who are sitting outside right now are in wheel chairs. And I think I have problems. Pretty sick ha?
When I'm feeling like I am today, all I can manage to do is stay home in my apartment and eat in search for some type of relief from the pain. Well, I think I've wrote enough for now. I'm going to sign off for now. I will come back again and write some more and I am going to do something to change my life. And as I do, I will continue to update this journal.
Mertz
I'm warning you, this post is going to sound real negative and depressing so you may not want to read it. As I mentioned above, I'm writing it for my future reference. I'm usually a positive person and believe that pity parties are destructive to our personal progress, and you won't see much of this type of writing in my journals in the future.
Today I'm feeling so frustrated and depressed. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months and in the process of a divorce and would like to start looking for a man friend. I want to start out slow with just e-mails for a while and I've been checking out some of the dating web sites. And it's left me feeling really discouraged with the way I look and feel. I know now that I am not ready for this step.
I am a recovering drug addict and on Jan. 26th. I reached my one year clean birthday. I am so proud of myself for that accomplishment but I feel absolutely terrible about the weight I've packed on since I quit using drugs. And it's time for it to stop!! I can't go on this way. It's slowly killing me inside. I had my annual physical and blood work done last month and all my numbers came back good, which I'm very grateful and pleased about, but I have other health issues due to my weight and if I don't change my lifestyle I'm headed straight for diabetes and heart problems.
I am hurting so bad inside because of my eating disorder. I feel like I've been standing in a room full of people screaming at the top of my lungs for help and nobody has heard me. I need to go into a treatment center but that is simply out of the question. I live near one of the best in the country but when I checked into it I found that it costs $900 a day. Can you believe that? So in other words, if you don't have the insurance to pay for help like that you just have to find a different way. Doesn't seem fair to me but I know, who ever said life is fair?
I am very active in NA and attend meetings regularly. I also have a real good sponsor who has been in the program and clean for 19 years. I have talked with her a great deal about the eating disorder and have mentioned it in some of my sharing at meetings. My sponsor and other addicts in the group are supportive and see it as just another manifestation of my disease of addiction and I agree, but I don't think they fully understand the real pain I live with every day.
Right now I'm sitting at my front window looking at the people in my apartment complex who are sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and each others company. I feel so alone inside by myself, but I just can't bring myself to go out and join them. Not today anyway. And the irony of the whole thing is that I live at a place for people with disabilities and most of those who are sitting outside right now are in wheel chairs. And I think I have problems. Pretty sick ha?
When I'm feeling like I am today, all I can manage to do is stay home in my apartment and eat in search for some type of relief from the pain. Well, I think I've wrote enough for now. I'm going to sign off for now. I will come back again and write some more and I am going to do something to change my life. And as I do, I will continue to update this journal.
Mertz