So I beleive it is appropriate to start a journal about my struggles with body image and how to finally achieve my target weight.

How it all began - well I have been more or less overweight for most of my adult life. I am now 50 years old and female. I have lost weigth a couple of times through dieting and put it on again plus some extra. Same old story. The moment that changed my life was about three and a half years ago. I went to the doctor with a persistant cough and he made all sorts of tests and talked about asthma and that my blood pressure was on the high side. I got some antibiotics and when I came back after some ten days I was completely recovered. What really got to me was how amazed he was. I have always been very strong physically and it was the first time it really, truly got home to me that this is not something I could necessarily count on forever. I felt very grateful to my body who had carried me so thanklessly for so long and decided to do better by it. I started to eat better and lost some weight and the next thing which set me on course was when I did a health profile through my job and despite being overweight and out of condition I actually did quite well. Once again I felt this feeling of gratitude and I did a lot of thinking about how I could be successful this time, not just losing the weight but keeping it off and keeping healthy. I decided that dieting is not for me, rather I had to find a new way of living which is healthy and which I could integrate into my life forever. I also decided that i did not want to keep a low calorie diet which meant that I wold have to increase my exercise considerably. I have been physically active from time to time, but it has been a fragile thing, easily disrupted, and never a natural part of my life. I have aways felt physically inadequate.

I began to be more active at the gym and rather than hiding in the corners I decided that I had as much rigght to be there as anyone else and that I did not have to wait until I was slim to belong there. The real turningpoint for me was when I discoverd weight training. It was love at first try! Finally i had found something which was pure enjoyment. Lot of things followed from this. I started to work with a personal trainer once a week, costly but worth every penny. I started to work out more frequently and have now settled on a level of 6 times a week on average, roughly half weight training and half cardio. The latter I do not always enjoy but it does give me a great sense of achivement and some of it, mainly Spinning and Box I do enjoy quite a lot.

The other thing which followed from the exercise was better eating habits, I needed to clean up my eating to have the energy to work out as hard as I wanted to.

So slowly and intermittently over a period of a little of over three years I have gone from clinically obese to normal (just) weight. At the same time I have built quite a bit of muscle and in general got into very good shape. Does this sound unbearably smug? I hope not, I am very happy with myself but it has been far from easy and I am well aware how easy it could be to backslide again, it is amazing how easy it can be to revert to old habits.

I am now starting the final step on my weight-loss journey. The last time I measured my body fat I was told that I did not need to lose any more weight for health reasons. This felt very strange. Somehow it feels almost frivolous to want to lose more. I have thought deeply about this and put 65 kilos as my goal weight. This means losing about 8 more kilos. It feels a bit scary, it is one thing not being obviously overweight anymore, quite another to actually become slim. I have a lot of emotional issues about my body and my body image and self image and this is the main reason why I am writing here. This is something which it is truly difficult for my friends who have never been overweight to understand and I feel it is crucial to work though this if I am to continue my life at a stable and healthy weight.

I have decided to aim to lose about one kilo a month which would get me to target weight in March next year. This is slow progress but I do not want to hurry for a number of reasons. One is that in order to be able to work out as hard as I do I cannot deprrive myself of too much energy. Another is that I want my body to adapt gradually, so far I have not had any problems with loose skin or wrinkles but of course the less body fat I get the more likely this is to occur. If it does, I may decide to remain at a higher target weight. The last reason is that I need my mind to adjust to my changing body. I have got a lot of positive attention and lots and lots of compliments for the changes I have made. I am of course very happy and grateful for this but at the same time I find it very hard to cope with. So there are alltogether a lot of reasons to take it slow and easy.

What I do - I have found that I maintain on a diet of about 2 500 kcal per day so I try to eat no more than that and less most days. I eat quite a lot of protein which is a bit difficult as I am a lacto-ovo vegitarian. Most days I resort to protein supplements although it is not ideal. I also eat a lot of pulses, tofu, quorn and the like. I eat as much unrefined food and organic fruits and vegs as I can. And sometimes I eat just what I like and ignore the health aspect completely. However in these cases I only eat things I really enjoy, or to be sociable.

A normal week I do weight training 3-4 days and cardio 3-4 days. I always have at least one rest day and do not train with weights more than once a day although I sometimes add a cardio session to the day or do cardio twice a day. Occasionally I take a week or so completely off from the training.

Summer has been rather lazy, I have stuck to my workout regime but been rather lax with my eating. I have not put on any weight but not lost any either. This week I have started work after summer holiday and it seems appropriate to start what I hope is the final leg on this journey.

I expect to use this diary more to write of thoughts and feelings, than about my day to day experiences, I have a separate exersize diary, but who knows. Thanks for bearing with me so long, I do like to write but I am not usually so longwinded!

Today I feel a bit sad, summer is ending and it has gone so quickly. Most people are back at work and the relaxed attitude we have during the holiday season is disappearing, back to dresscodes, memos and meetings!

Thursday mornings is my time to work out with my trainer, this mornings workout was a killer, shoulders and abs, I could barely lift my arms afterwards. I was planning to do a circle training class tomorrow but I will have to see what shape I am in, I might settle for a spinning class instead.

Today I have been thinking about the advantages of being overweight, the ones that I could think of which apply to me are:

- Having one major bodily defect to focus on, rather than all the smaller ones

- Having a reason for being unhappy

- Putting a layer between myself and the rest of the world

- Having a reason not to let people get to close

- Not having to listen so super-skinny girls complaining about how fat they are

- Feeling able to be more outgoing and outragous

- More able to be "one of the guys"

- Having a ready-made excuse for just about anything

All in all a pretty pathetic list, there is definitely a theme there. Tomorrow I will consider all the advantages of being slim.

One particular thing which I have noticed is that it does not matter which size clothes I wear, it is always the size which is sold out! Weird. I give my clothes to the charity shop as soon as they are too big to wear as I do not want to say to myself that I can gain back what I have lost. At the same time I have excavated old clothes from the basement, I am now down to clothes from the eigthies, some of that stuff is really weird, some can still be worn today. I try not to buy too many new clothes but sometimes it is difficult, especailly now when there are sales just about everywhere.

Tried the circle training class yesterday, we were supposed to be a group of 7-8 people from work but only 3 of us actually made it. It was fun anyway, I will probably go once in a while. The problem is that there are more activities I want to do than I have time for. Beats the opposite, though.

I had intended to go to the gym after work as well to do some cardio but I got talked into a pub evening instead. It was fun and I feel that it is important to socialise with my colleagues now and then. Did 60 minutes cardio at the gym today, tomorrow it is time to work my legs and butt, one of my favourite workouts.

Advantages of beeing slim:

- Healthier

- Less to carry around

- Easier to find clothes

- More attractive

From a logical point of view those certainly beats the advantages of being overweight, but from an emotional point of view - well I am working on it.

Nice and lazy day, finished an embroidery I have been making for my best friends 50th birthday, now I just need to mount it as two pot-holders, that is the boring part in my opinion but of course a nice mounting really makes all the difference.

Leg work-out today, I have mostly been doing leg-presses rather than squats during the summer so I was a bit cautious but it went well although could have been a bit deeper. Worked up to 5 reps of 90 kilos. I plan to vary between leg-press and squats depending on which of my gyms I work out in. I have memeberships both in a gym-chain in the city center close to work and in a small gym next door to where I live, both have their advantages so I am not sure how I will split my time between them, it tends to very from time to time.

Kalories about 1 800 today, well balanced and nutritional food, always pleased with that. Eating right is far more difficult for me than exercising.

Monday again. Got stuck in a client meeting all afternoon and forgot to drink anything until I came home. Not wise and I suffered for it in the gym. Pecs and triceps today and an OK session despite some dehydration.

One thing that really bugs me is being treated differenty now from when I was really overweight. I have been thinking if I treat people according to how they look and to my embarrassment I think that I probably do to some extent. I realise that I tend to expect really goodlooking people to be somewhat shallow and uniteresting and I expect that I have other prejudices that I am not aware of. I will make an effort to look beyond the outside, just like I want people to do with me.

TOM approaching which always makes me ravenous so today I have consumed a couple of hundred calories more than ideal, I am not able to fight nature completely but try to keep it reasonable. One problem with aiming to lose weight slowly is that it is very difficult to see if any progress is being made as my weight flucuates from day to day. I do an official weight-in on monday mornings and have a graph which shows the development but it can take several weeks to see if progress is being made. However, the advantages of losing slowly outweights this irritation in my mind.

Today I went to a spinning class during lunch and a box class after work. Great fun! I am really such an unlikely candidate to become what my colleagues label an exercise fanatic. As a child I was comprehensively taught at school how hopeless I was at any athletic endevours and this image has stayed with me all my life. I was slow, clumsy and uncoordinated and have no ability with a ball whatsoever. That these are things that can improve dramatically through practise was not something conceivable, either you were one of the talented kids or you were hopeless. I get really upset about the cruelty of it. Sports at school should support the kids, not devalue them!

Today did NOT start out good, I cracked a tooth! Fortunately my dentist could fit me in but it will be an expensive procedure as I will have to have a cap and my mouth hurts as well. So no lunchtime exercise, I may do some light cardio after work depending on how I feel. I have a temporary filling now and I really hate that, there is the uncomfortable feeling that it may fall out at any time. Oh well, these things happen, that is life. But there are certainly a wast number of things I would rather have spent the money on, but looking at it from the bright side, I am glad I have the money to spen!

Thursday my department at work had a party at my boss's summer house. It was great fun but as these occasions usually are, not exactly healthy. I had prepared by eating a lunch with plenty of fat as there is quite a lot of drinking at these parties and I was grateful for that later. I do not have to join in of course but it is fun and I want to be "one of the crowd" occasionally, rather than just being the health fanatic. Yesteray I started to feel a cold coming on and today it is full-blown. It seems to be a mild variety though, but it does mean staying away from the gym. Very annoying but I try not to be too irritated, it will do me no harm to take it easy for a few days. My biceps are still swollen since Thursday mornings workout and my lats are quite sore as well. I was doing assisted chins, one of my goals for this year is to be able to do one chin unassisted, it is quite an ambitous goal but I do find it helps my focus to have goals like this.

Miserable cold is still going strong so I am home from work today. This will be an extremely expensive month, both the cost for the dentist and the loss of income. However, I easily get laryngitis if I do not take it easy when I have a cold and that is definitely on my not-wishlist! SO boring not being able to work out and I have this fear that if I do not exersise for a while all my desire to do so will vanish and I will slide back to all my old habits. Health first though, so no exersise until I am fully recovered and doing what I can to promote quick recovery.

Foodwise I do not do very well when I am sick, no apetite and no energy, but it could be a lot worse. Now I will take a nap, hoping to recuperate enough to go to work tomorrow.

Hi Semiramis, I just spotted your journal and wanted to thank you for writing such insightful posts, especially about the perceived advantages of being overweight. I identify with a lot of them, since I have been overweight since very young childhood, I have never known anything else. Just wanted to say thanks for writing it, it really makes me think A LOT about myself and the way I look at myself and how I perceive others looking at me.

I hope you feel better soon!! Get rest and relax. Your new stronger body will fight it off in no time.

Hey Semiramis! Just like Nausicaa said- you do have very insightful posts. Everyone deals with their weight journey differently and everyone goes through emotional struggles as well. I enjoy reading your journal- because you are so honest in everything that you say. I have noticed in my own personal life- that for a while there, I actually didn't mind being overweight. So that's why my dieting failed over and over. And then one day, I woke up, or maybe it was just a constant thought- but either way, I decided that I really did WANT to loose the weight.

Once we reach a certain goal- it's almost like the emotional part of everything we had dealt with before is STILL there. While we are happy in aspect, we're lacking something.

I understand that.

Keep journaling- and keep doing what you're doing.

Congrats on all your weight loss so far. :)

Hi :wave:

I can't believe I missed this journal ! I loved reading it all - you have a GREAT attitude :up:

Nausicaa, FSUgirl, Beth - thank you so much for your kind comments! I really find that it helps to be able to share my thoughts this way and it is wonderful to hear that there are others who can relate to them. In my "real" life I do not have anyone to discuss these things with, I do have friends that I can talk to about just about anything but I find it is impossible for them to really get the emotional parts of being overweight and losing weight. In writing this I start to think that probably a lot of these emotional issues are the same for a lot of other problems, not just weight. For instance we all have friends who consistantly choose men (or women) who treat them badly, behave in ways that make them ill, can never find a job where they are happy or at least like their colleagues etc. I need to think a bit more about this, I have never thought about it this way before. The thing with weight is that is so obviously self-inflicted, but really the same can be said about a lot of other behaviours.

Anyway, I feel much better today so I made my way to work as I had a couple of things that really needed to be done. When my boss saw me he said "what are you doing here, you look awful", and I got the same reaction from a couple of other people so I just did what had to be done, went grocery shopping and went home. When I have a cold nobody can be in doubt of the fact, it is not discreet. It is the same when I cry, I really look a mess. I do not mind so much these days, though. It is I find one of the great advantages of getting older, I am not sure if I get noticably wiser, but oh how nice it is not to mind so much!

Did not feel well at all yesterday so I stayed at home all day and did nothing in particular. Went to work today and it was pretty exhausting. I really hate feeling weak. Picked up my latest order from Amazon on the way home, nice to have a new packet of books to enjoy. Eating has been pretty awful, I really need to get back on track. I do not binge or eat huge amounts, I just tend to consistenty eat a bit to much of the wrong things. I need to dust of my willpower a bit and get back to consistenty eating the right amount of the right things. It is so much more difficult when I am unable to work out, but it is not good to be dependent on one factor to live healthily, another thing to work on!

Finally temperature is all the way down and I do feel a lot better although still a bit tired. If I feel OK tomorrow as well I will do some very gentle cardio, I am quite ready to start climbing the walls. Lots of work to be done and very little inspiration. Food back on track more or less but it is scary how easy it is to let go of all good habits and how difficult it is to get back to them.

Finally back at the gym! I did 30 minutes at the stairmaster and 30 on the stationary bike, quite gently. No problem with stamina or breathing, puls behaved normally so I beleive that everything is OK now. I was not able to decide what to eat, I am going to a big party tonight and everything I want to eat is with garlic! So I have had a protein drink with bananas to give me some time to think of someting. It is the kind of party which I rarely enjoy, lots of people most of whom I do not know. However, it is held by one of my closest friends so am going anyway. I will try to work up a positive attitude before I go.

HI Semiramis! I had insomnia this morning and decided to get up and see new posts and came across your journal! I read each and every post and enjoyed getiing to know the REAL you through it! I especially could identify with what you said about losing weight sloowly and letting our mind catch up with our body! SO TRUE FOR ME! I hve met my goal at one time of my life and then gained it all back and then some. It seems everytime I lose the weight or some weight, the compliments, although flattering, give me a " too big for your britches attitude" and the gain starts... Thank you for your thought provoking posts!

Thank you Lisa, it is so good to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do about some of these things. That is one of the reasons for the name of this journal, Reflexions, that we can reflect each other.

The party yesterday was nice, I did not stay that long as I am still careful about my health, but I enjoyed the time I was there. Looking at the other people there I realised that I am now pretty average. It is a strange feeling, not fat - average. I wonder how long it will take me to get used to it. I do enjoy being able to wear tight clothes, I thought that I would want to wear the same type of clothes as before - only smaller, but that is not always the case. I have not realised the extent to which I have chosen my clothes not for how they looked but for the extent that they have hidden my body. I sometimes feel quite naked in public now, it is not a comfortable feeling. It is as if I do not automatically know how to dress anymore. I get extremely self-consious sometimes, I recently got a compliment on my butt. Of course I was pleased with the compliment but at the same time it was like "oh my goodness, my butt is visible". Weird. When I was overweight I would get compliments on my coloring, hair, skin that sort of thing, now it is other things.

Went to the gym today and worked on shoulders and abs, this is my "easiest" workout, it does not tax the cardio-vascular system like legs or back or even pecs. Nice workout, I have not lost any strenght through the illness thankfully. Always feel so much better after workout!

Well things are really getting busy at work but I am not feeling all that inspired. Tomorrow I have a difficult client meeting, a departmental meeting and a visit to the dentist. Not a day to look forward to, although my temporary filling feels like it is slowly crumbling so it will be an improvement to get a new one. Then I have to wait another 10 days to get my crown attached. Oh well.

Back and biceps at the gym today, I have lost some strenght since last time which annoys me a bit, but it is really not a big issue. Need to get to sleep soon to be fit for fight tomorrow.

Started the day off with a client meating whcih I had rather been dreading but which went perfectly fine, then a departmental meeting and finally the dentist. Not the happiest and most productive of days, but it could have been worse. Went to the gym but after 30 minutes on the stairmaster I started to feel sick so I had a smoothie and a cappuchino at the gym instead and tried their new powerplate. Interesting. Now my mouth is starting to hurt so I will take a couple of painkillers and spend a quiet evening at home. Nice. Well not the pain or drug part but the quiet night at home. Eating habits are back on track so I should see some losses soon as long as I stay on track.

Decided to do something different today so I went to a step-up class, havent done that for absolute ages. I need to work a bit on my coordination and that seems to be a good way. Not very strenous, partly because it was a beginners class and partly because I was not to sure on all the moves. I aim to do a few beginners classes and once I stop falling over the board, to try something a bit more advanced. I am still feeling the effect of yesterdays dental work (woke up in pain this night), so I will have another quiet evenign at home. Tomorrow morning I have my weekly session with my trainer so I want to be rested for that it possible.

Well my trainer called me last night and said he had a cold so I had to amuse myself at the gym today. During lunch I did 30 minutes at the stairmaster and 30 on the stationary bike, medium intensity. After work I did my pecs and triceps, nice to see that I have got back to my level before the cold, maybe a bit more actually which is about time. Need to be carful, though, I overdid it before with the bench-press and injured my infraspinatus and have had to do rehab just about forever, altogether I lost about a year of progressive chesttraining. It was worth all the rehab, though, as now I am totally healed and hopefully a bit wiser. It is quite amazing what the gym does for my moods, when I went there I was very stressed out and had a stress headache, when I left all that was gone. And inbetween I am mostly in the here and now, which is something I am generally not very good at. As someone wisely byt not very elegantly put it "when you have one foot on yesterday and the other on tomorrow, you P*** on today".

Today I am in a really good mood. Possibly because I feel totally recovered from my cold. Went to a new gym-class at lunchtime, sort of functional training. Lots of pushups which hit the spot activated by yesterdays workout, but as I was there with a colleague of course I had to do them all on my toes, just to show him. Lucky I do not have a competitive bone in my body :) Feel a bit worn out so I did just some gentle cardio after work, 30 minutes on the stairmaster and 30 minutes stationary bike. Tomorrow is rest day and now I am rewarding myself with some nice cold Riesling.

This is a busy time of the year, I always have some difficulties in the transition into Autumn, the days get shorter, it gets darker in the morning and both professional and personal life is a lot more active. Touch wood, the cold seems to be totally vanquished now, I had a slight tickle in my throat during the weekend which gave me a bit of a scare but now it seems allright.

I went out with a colleague and an ex-colleague after work yesterday, nice evening but I am glad I managed to fit in a spinning class with one of the guys before we went to the restaurant because it was quite a substantial meal. One of my colleagues managed to lose quite a bit of weight a few years ago but now it seems to be slowly piling back on and he appears to have lost the energy to do anything about it. This is a cautionary example, it is really so easy to slide back into old habits, and before you know it you are back where you started.

I did a spinning class and a boxing class today as well, great fun and I needed to get rid of some frustrations. I do find it easier to eat the right amount of nutritional food when I work out a lot, of course it is good that it has that effect but I am concerned that I am to dependent on the gym to keep me on the straight and narrow. It is not good to be too dependent on any one thing, I need to find more things in my life that supports healthy eating. Yet another thing to think about.

Final visit to the dentist and the big hole in my mounth has been replaced by a bigger hole in my wallet. Nice to have it done, though and hopefully I do not have to see my dentist until my next regular appointment some six months hence.

Pecs and triceps with my trainer this morning, really exhausting workout, we finished on the Power Plate which they have just aquired. Tomorrow I am committed to go to a functional training class with one of my colleagues and I have a nasty suspicion that my legs will really suffer as will my pecs. Great combination when you do a lot of deep jumps and pushups. Going with my colleague means that I will feel obliged to do pushups on my toes and generally prove how fit I am, I am not sure why, but when I work out with a guy my competitive side really gets going. However, we will see, it may be that my body will override my will this time.

Hey Semiramis: You are really getting a variety of exercises in! That's sooo awesome. Another thing-- I have that dreaded cold now. Ugh-- sinuses are inflammed and I just feel plain "blah". Hopefully it will soon pass. Keep up the great work girly. You are keeping right up with the guys!

Hey Semiramis: You are really getting a variety of exercises in! That's sooo awesome. Another thing-- I have that dreaded cold now. Ugh-- sinuses are inflammed and I just feel plain "blah". Hopefully it will soon pass. Keep up the great work girly. You are keeping right up with the guys! Thanks, I do like to vary my excersises both because it is fun and because I beleive that it helps prevent injury! I hope your cold has passed totally, it is such a total bore when we are laid low like that. I do find that my colds have become much much less frequent since I started living a more healthy life and they pass much quicker too (touch wood).

Busy, busy, busy couple of weeks, lots of work and socialising. I have got in my work-outs as well, but have had to take desperate measures like going to the gym before work, not really my favourite time of the day but needs must. Did functional training at lunch again today with a couple of my colleagues. I try to encourage those who want to start working out but it is a fine line between being encouraging and preaching, I hope I manage to stay on the right side most of the time. It is sort of like paying it forward, if I had not gotten encouragement and support at the right time I do not think I would be spending the time at the gym now, but the key word is at the right time!

Eating the last couple of weeks has been neither brilliant nor disastrous, when socialising it is not always easy to get a healthy option but I do not want to turn into a healty recluse either! The difficult thing is not to carry on those bad eating habits.

Most of the people I work with have never known me as overweight and it is a funny feeling when sometimes those casually dismissive comments about overweight people come up. I am not sure how to handle it, I let it slide but I feel a a bit uncomfortable with this, like I should make a stand or something. It is weird as well, nobody would say anything like that within my hearing when I was at my heaviest. I have never suffered from snide comments or anything like that which I understand is not the case for everyone, but the two things that I did not hear were those comments and all the talk among skinny girls about how fat they are. It was really weird when it started up. I am bothered by the contempt that a lot of people feel for overweight people and I am bothered that I do not say anything, I think this could be because I do not want to be viewed with this contempt. Am I then saying that I despise myself or that I think that I am only acceptable at normal weight? Do I view other people in the same light? I do not think so. I hope not. How come that people who cannot stop smoking feel so comfortable in looking down on people who do not have control of their eating? Sometimes I feel like I am operating under false pretenses, like I should wear a banner "I used to be fat".

Today I am really pleased with myself, after what seems like forever of rehab training my infraspinatus is giving me no trouble at all. I am still being cautious and continue doing some rehab training to avoid this happening again, but I am finally able to use a bit more serious weights in the benchpress. Today I finished off with 3 X 3 at 100 lb, after a number of warmup sets, which is actually not too bad for a 50-year old woman. I am so tempted to try a max lift but this will have to wait a bit so I do not overstrain again. I am not totally sure why I am so keen to lift as heavily as I safely can, part of it is the sheer physical pleasure I get out of it (lots of endorphines!), part is to be able to do something which I would never have beleived was possible. It is helping me to redefine my bodyimage as well so I think that is another part of it. Well I am just so grateful that I really enjoy it, for so many people exersise never gets beyond being something that you have to do or should do.

Well it is dark and wet and cold here and I never do particularly well this time of the year. I would sort of like just to hibernate for a while. Today I am going out for a "hike" with a group of people I met on holiday a year ago but I suspect that it will be more of a walk than a hike so I will get in an hour at the gym first. I will get my hiking boots out, though as it could get muddy.

I went to the chiropractor for a check-up this week and everything was fine and my posture which created the problems in the first place is much improved. Got a tricky stretch for my supraspinatus in addition to the stretches I am already supposed to do. I am fairly good about stretching as I know how important it is for me, but I get really bored sometimes. However, I remind myself how lucky I am to be without the aches and pains that so many people have and take for granted, a little extra work is a small price to pay.

Weigthwize I am at a standstill at the moment, this is OK as long as I do not gain weigth but I need to collect the determination to get to my goal weight before too long.

As far as excersise goes, I am going on as usual, it is such an integral part of my life now that I canot imagine doing without it but unfortunately unlike other addictions this one is fairly easy to break so I try not to take it for granted and have a strategy for how to handle it if I lose my motivation. It is after all not necessary to escersise 6 days a week to be in good dhape, but it is necessary to excersise. In a couple of weeks I will do a max heartrate test on a spinning cycle to get a better understandign of my pulse zones on a bike, which will differ from my pulse zones on the tradmill for example. It will be done in a group and will probably be fun as well as gruelling, or as one of the instructors said "almost horrible". I am not reallly sure why I want to do these things but it does have an appeal to me. One of my colleagues recently told me "you do not have to macho, you are a girl". Girl is a bit rich from a guy morre than 20 years my junior but he missed the point, I do not believe that I need to be macho, I just like to do macho things sometimes and I do beleive that sometimes going past the border of what we believe we can do can be very empowering. Well enough of the psychobabble, I need to go find my hikingboots!

It has been a while since I was here, this diary is specific for weight and body image issues and thankfully they do not come up every day! I have an online exercise diary as well which I write in almost every day, an online exercis log and also actually an oldfashioned paper diary where I can be as unfair and repetitious as I like as no-one else can read it. Actually even I have difficulties reading it as my handwriting is dreadful.

I have been for a check-up at the doctors, a service we have at work. It is something I really do not like to do as I feel very exposed and also I am a bit scared that they will find something awful. However, everything was functioning very well, I have always had OK readings, even when I was at my heaviest and most inactive but now things like cholesterol has gone from OK to excellent. This is very gratifying. Health is certainly not something to take for granted and I have not always treated my body very well. He also said that I weighted a couple of kilos to much but as my waist size was OK this was not significant. This also fealt great, needless to say. I am still in maintenance mode, while I do want to get started with loosing the rest of the weight I am also very pleasd to be able to keep a balanced and steady weight so all in all things are pretty good at the moment. I only have to take care not to let the "things are so good that something awful is sure to occurr" - demons grab hold of me!

More than 6 months since I wrote in my diary here! I have mostly been writing on my exercise forum as that is my main passion but a kind message from Beth inspired me to make this long overdue update.

I have not lost much weight these past 6 months, in fact only about 1 ½ pounds but my body is continuing to change shape and last week I took out my "can only just about get them over my butt"-jeans and they fit perfectly. Magic! I am not quite sure how this happens, I believe that I have built some more muscle and that the fat is rearranging itself a bit.

What else has been happening? I have successively started to clean up my diet, if I want to lead a healthy life (and I do) it makes sense not just to watch calories but to generally improve my diet. I stopped drinking alcohol totally 5 months ago, which has proven to be a bit of a social problem, but really - I do not think making other people happy is a reason to drink if I prefer not to. But there is quite a bit of pressure and "you can make an exception this time" going on. It is starting to sink in among my acquaintances that I am serious about this so hopefully this will improve. I am cutting out artificial sweeteners as well and a couple of weeks ago I stopped drinking coffee. I feel the better for it actually. I expected that i would have withdrawal symptoms but it was a bit of an anticlimax, nothing happened. I do not expect that I will ever give up chocolate though, there are limits!

Exercise-wise I am making some progress, I managed to bench-press 55 kilos (121,25 pounds) recently. My goal is 65 kilos which is the same as my goal weight, but that is a long term proposition. I hope to be able to do 60 kilos this year though, provided I stay healthy and injury free. 5 kilos does not seem a lot but it does make a big difference! I ran in a competition for the first time in my life earlier this month! It was only 5 kilometres (3,11 miles) but for me it is absolute magic to actually be able to run at all! It was a local competition held at my gym and my personal trainer enrolled me without giving me the option to refuse (well of course I could have if I insisted, but I am usually up for a challenge). It was rather sudden so I only got the opportunity to practise outside 3 times, I have done some running on the treadmill and of course I have done a lot of cardio in other ways, but actually running outside is a bit different. I was so proud of myself that I could do it! The course was pretty flat most of the way but ended with a long uphill slope. My finishing time was 30.25 minutes, not brilliant by any means but a huge success for me. Having got started with running I now aim to run 10 kilometers and participate in a competition of that length at the end of August. This is a huge motivator in taking of some more weight as every kilo counts. However, I have to admit that I did get some satisfaction in overtaking a couple of girls who are some 30 years younger and 20 kilos lighter than me in the competition, while age and weight counts so does general level of fitness.

As I get closer to my goal I have to admit that I am a bit scared, maybe that is why it takes such a long time. I have been struggling with my weight all my adult life, when I reach my goal, what then? Not that I think it is necessarily easier to maintain weight than to loose, but rather that it will be different! Some more inner work to do!

I am always so happy to see an update from you - I just love hearing from you :D

Wow! WOW & WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! talk about cleaning up your act - your eating/drinking new habits are SUPER !!!!!! :up:

and look at you go with the weight lifting and running/races....... wonderful !

and knowing you have inner work to do is a huge first step towards getting it corrected. I think weight loss is kind of like college - you put your all in to it - graduate and get a job and then what? - well of course now you need to set new goals for yourself - always always aways have a goal to aim for - it keeps us moving forward :)

Thank you Beth for your encouraging words!

I have been on a biking holiday with my sister last week, we do it annually, this is the seventh year and we have so far always been lucky with the weather! The first couple of years we did this it was a major physical achievement for me although we never go very far, normally not more than 35-40 kilometers a day, some days less. For the last couple of years I have found it easier and easier, this year I counted it as a "rest" week towards my training. I keep being amazed at just how much we can change our bodies ability to perform! Most of the people I meet in the gym world have no real concept of this as they have been athletic all their lives but to me it is like a miracle and I keep reminding myself of it, not to be complacent but to be grateful. And to remind myself that it it not constant, it has to be continuously worked for.

I have registered for a 10 km running competition at the end of August so I have to start training for this as well, keeping in mind that I have to be careful to stay free from injuries, most people I know who have hurt themselves while exercising have done so progressing to fast in running. At the same time I want to make a time that is reasonable, good is far out of my reach and also not something I really strive for, then I would have to restructure my whole training programme and I am far to fond of it, but reasonable should be achievable! It also gives my a bit more incentive to drop more weight, weight is a huge factor in running successfully. Another reason why I do not aim to be great, I do not aim to be that light!

Hi :wn

Wow about the bike holiday, way cool ! :up:

10 Km is how far? sorry :shrug:

how much we can change our bodies ability to perform! so very very true !! I just got those new walking sticks from Nordic and am really looking forward to walking with them. They are meant to take a lot of stress off your knees and back, and I plan to keep sitting little goals for myself using these and look forward to changing my bodies ability to perform :D

Hi :wn

Wow about the bike holiday, way cool ! :up:

10 Km is how far? sorry :shrug:

so very very true !! I just got those new walking sticks from Nordic and am really looking forward to walking with them. They are meant to take a lot of stress off your knees and back, and I plan to keep sitting little goals for myself using these and look forward to changing my bodies ability to perform :DHi! 10 km is about 6,2 miles. Walking sticks is great, not only do they take the stress away from knees and back but they also gives a great workout for your whole body and increase the amount of calories burned in comparison with normal walking, I think you will see a great improvement!

I am rebuilding my bathroom (or rather having it done) and it is really dangerous to start doing things like that, not only does it cost a fortune but it leads to reevaluating my whole home and I have lots of ideas for other changes, some do not cost anything or not a lot - some do! Today is a restday from working out, it is raining and I do not have anything special planned so I will take it easy and do a bit of thinking about home design and how to spend my summer in respect of diet and exercise. I will mostly be home this summer, the bathroom renovation costs a lot and I have a hiking holiday planned with a friend at the end of September (we are going to Mallorca). I am happy to be home too, it is my favourite place however much I like travelling and exploring new places.

Yesterday I ran 7,5 km in 50 minutes on the treadmill at the gym, I am gradually working up to run the 10 km, once I have done that I will start working on my speed. The big question now is if I should cut down a bit on weight training and concentrate more on getting in shape for the competition the next two months. My personal trainer thinks so, he believes that if I manage to make a decent time it will boast my self-confidence a lot. I am sure he is correct, but I love weight-lifting and I do not love running (at least not yet). I am inclined to make it a compromise, a bit less lifting, a bit more running, but we will see.

I have caught some kind of bug so I am running a temperature, my muscles ache and I am filled with self-pity. Pretty pathetic actually. I am telling myself that I am feeling better but it may only be the painkillers kicking in. I am hoping it will go away by itself so I do not need to go to the doctor, NOT my favourite thing. Oh well, I will take the time to rest, things after all do not always work out exactly according to plan, if we keep expecting them to we will keep getting disappointed. But I am afraid I do get grumpy when I can not go to the gym! On the bright side, I have lost another pound or to so I am slowly, slowly getting closer to goal. This is a bit of a scary feeling, what will I do when I get there, i have never as an adult been at a weight I have been happy with, it will take some getting adapted to!

I think you have a wonderful, positive atittude. You will reach your goal weight in no time. I socially drink but i limit it too lite beer and i dont do it all the time. You can still socially go out and drink diet soda. I have done that too. Your friends should just want your company. I have a SIL i am close to and this girl can drink. She wants everyone to drink whose with her and if not then your a party pooper. I drink when i want but if i dont want too then i dont care what people think. You have done good asserting yourself in your own choices.

Thank you for your kind words, Angel Eyes :)

Temperature has dropped down to normal, thankfully but when i woke up yesterday morning my whole face was swollen and I could hardly see my eyelids my eyes were that swollen. Got to the doctors and was told that it was an allergy reaction, I am not normally allergic other than a little spring-flowering trees but the doctor told me that it could be the aspirin I was taking in combination with my immune system being specially active with the virus. If it happens again it will have to be investigated but it may well be a one-off experience and I will never find out what the cause was. After getting cortisone and antihistamines it is much better now but no self-respecting male would like to be seen in my company, especially as I am also developing a nice bruise on one cheek, probably from sleeping on my swollen face. I bruise extremely easily! Main thing is I am feeling so much better now and my face is gradually getting back to normal (hello eyelashes). Hope it is all OK before I have to go into work on Monday or I will have some explaining to do.

When I went in to see the doctor yesterday I noticed how people did not look at me, even the guys handing out free papers ignored me. This made me think of how little it takes to step out of the "normal" and of the people who experience this every day, one of my friends is disabled and she encounters this every time she goes out. Also being ill once again made me appreciate my good health, it is easy to take it for granted. How I admire people who struggle on in spite of health problems. And how easy it is to let unhealthy habits get a grip. I have comforted myself with cheese and chocolate the last few days. I do not see it as a problem as it is only a few days, I easily burn it off in a few days exercise. However, more than a few days indulgence and it becomes a problem and I am fortunate that I both have the good health to do the exercise and the inclination and desire to do it. A lot of people are not blessed like this.

I am chomping at the bit to get back to the gym but will take a few days more recuperation, all in the cause of taking care of myself!