Well, I guess this is going to be as good a place as any to begin this journey. My name is Neil and I've been overweight all of my life. Today, I'm 41 years old, 310 lbs., and very unhappy. However my journey began a long time ago but today, I have to try something different to see if something is actually going to stick. I've tried journals before, no real support group, except those few who give me encouraging words, but are they just paying lip service to my efforts. Who knows. I thought this might be a start given that this was to be a place where there are people like myself.

At first, I thought I knew why I was overweight. "I was just born this way". Well, as I got older, I noticed something different about myself. It wasn't until about the time I hit puberty did I realize that I like boys more than I did girls. Wow, what a shocker. Scared the hell out of me at the time, kept it hidden and did so right up until I turned 30. Coming from a small town, you didn't talk about those sorts of things, especially when you heard all kinds of derogatories coming from others in the name of jokes, or namecalling in school which the other more "flamboyant" guys would get. Albeit, guess it must've shown in me as well, because I also got a fair amount of the namecalling, etc. in grade school. High school was really no different. Never had any close friends, always the token jokester, later realizing this was my own security blanket. Popular with the girls in the class, but considered the "fairy" the "fag", with the boys in school.

Finally went away to the big city in college (Toronto), made some friends, but none that stuck. Still deep in the closet. Through all of this, the only source of comfort was always food. Hiding behind this huge layer of fat. It wasn't until I finally moved to Vancouver when I was 30 years old that I finally faced my closet demons and started living my life outside of the closet. That was the beginning of 1996. Still not "out" to my family, but far away enough that I felt more comfortable being myself. At the time I was probably around 270lbs. I had two good friends who lived here, and with Vancouver being one of the most healthiest cities in Canada, they bought me a pair of running shoes and said, "it's time you started getting motivated". With their tremendous support with both diet and exercise, I managed to get myself down to 190 lbs. A 36 waist was baggy for me and I had never been so fit in my entire life. Wow, that seems like such a long time ago.

I don't think, however, I worked on the self-esteem thing along the way, because all I remember about that time was the fact that I kept thinking was I was still so fat. Unbelievable, now that I think back on it.

A lot has happened since that time...which I will talk about in my next entry.

For now, I think I will set a short short term goal to go for my first half hour walk tomorrow. Whether it be in the morning or evening I have not yet decided. Might take the videos that are due back and instead of driving, I"ll walk them there. See you tomorrow.

Neil


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