Here is another new journal thread for you guys! Sorry. I was going to wait until sometime in the summer to start a new thread, but felt like I needed a change in focus right now. Maybe it is the change in seasons?

I get caught up in emotional-laden minutia lately, so I’m going to lay out the goals of my new thread and change of focus as succinctly as possible in this first post. They are as follows:


Accept and embrace change as it occurs, making sure to look for the potential good things that result from change. I’ve been doing a combination of “stay the course” and planning for the worst-case-scenario lately, and it has to stop. Somehow, I found a way to combine “live for this moment” with “things can always get worse”. Well, things can also get better, and I want to practice seeing that first for a while.

I’m going to trust my body and the hunger signals it sends my brain more than I have up to now. Trusting my body’s hunger signals has still been rough for me up to this point. I don’t have many controls on what exact foods I eat during a given meal anymore (I eat what feels right), but am very tight about portion control. Maybe too tight, and that sometimes sets me up for binge urges later on.

I’m going to be smart about my bicycle training, so that I have more time to spend with my wife, friends, dogs, etc. than I did last year. I will be utilizing more interval training techniques to maximize my performance over the shortest time possible. I’m starting out with a better aerobic engine than I had last year, and have read that this is a very viable alternative to spending as many hours in the saddle as I did last year. I think that I can do that, and have a lot of fun training that way too, by concentrating each week on one type of riding (hills/power, flat-land speed, or endurance). I plan on my rides being fun, fast, and HARD (ummm...within my capabilities for fast and hard).

Stay focused on the above goals, and not become bogged down in the details and micro-tasks as much as I usually do. Stay on target, and keep more of my focus on the big-picture.

That’s about it. I began practicing this yesterday with some meditation, soul-searching, and planning out my week in my head. It is going to take some effort, but I can do it. I like it. Later.

Hi Cfj,
I love your new journal! I do belive you will make all your new goals you stated above. You seem to set your mind on a goal then you go for it! I love reading in your journal for your thoughts and you are someone that not only lose the weight but is also keeping it off! I do look up to you big time!
Hope you have a great day!
......Hugs, Millie

I rode my bike to work today, and made it to two spin classes after work. Food has been good today. No binge cravings, and I don't feel famished either.

I got to the gym early, before spin class, and did some upper-body and stomach work. I did 3 sets of 15-20 reps of each.

3-hand Position Assited Lat Pull-Downs - body weight with 10th plate helping me.
Dips - body weight.
Push-ups - body weight
Rotating Leg Lifts - feet together, up and almost touching floor on both sides of a ball placed below my ankles.
Side Straight-Arm Dumbbell Extensions - 15 lbs dumbbells, steady and hard movement.
Dumbbell Curls - 30 lbs dumbbells for all sets.

Spin Class Details
Type of Class: Heather taught the first class. It was mostly high-resistance hills tonight. Lots of standing and grinding. My right knee hurts as a result of jumping right into the hills without properly warming up. That is what I get for not doing any lower body work until class had already started. 8-|

Jen taught the second class. This class is called "Hills Away"...well it blew me away. The resistance was so steep and hard, that I could not get my heart rate up as high as usual. My legs won't push that hard for that long (I would drop it into a lower gear outside...which is why I'm so slow on real hills). Owy. I hurt NOW. Tomorrow should be ineresting.

Total Time: 120 minutes
Time Above 65% Heart Rate: 117 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 134 bmp (includes warming up and cooling down, and a bathroom break between both classes).
Calories Burned (Fitday.com): 1754

Like I said, I also rode the bike to work today (about 45 total minutes of slow-pace commuting, which burned off some more calories ), which may help burn off some of the extra calories that I ate this past weekend. I was so, so, so bad. Bad, I tell you.

Millie47: You look up to me? No kidding...I don't feel...worthy with all of the emotional crap that I have been wading through and figure out lately to stay on track. But...Okay then. I look up to Bell and others here on DT, and I hate it when they don't take compliments, so I'm going to just take this one and feel good about it. It feels right, and in the spirit of my new focus, I'm going to savor the moment. Thanks.

hiya Fagan!
you are definately someone worth looking up to :)
and yes i dont take compliments easily but i am working on it as i see are you!
i have no doubt that you will achieve all your goals..in the time i have known you i have never known you not to achieve whatever you put your mind to!
hugs bell :)

Nice new journal, Cfj!!! :wave: Great new way to focus on goals, sort of keeping it simple and seeing the big picture rather than getting bogged down too deeply in detail!!! :cheer:

I agree with everyone here... you are definitely one to look up to and worth every single look you get.

I think you new goals of "balance" are great! They will benefit you and your family, friends and furry children.... lol I have no doubts, bad weekend or not, that you'll be doing the healthy thing for the rest of your life. It's a habit with you and that's the trick to staying the course.... replacing all our bad habits with new good ones. You've done that.... adding to what you've already done is just "icing on the cake" (calorie free icing, that is...)

Take care and good luck on your new journey! Have a great week!

Well I like the start of your new journal and can seriously relate to your #2. That should probably be something I need to consider...sorry to steal, but that is something I need to think about. I am an obessive tightwad when it comes to portions and calories. I am a calorie counter. Anyway, if you get a change, I posted a question in RED in my journal today. If you stop by, I would love your opinion on what you think I should do/recommendations. I don't want to post MY question in YOUR journal. Again, like the new journal...it's great.

Just in case you were wondering where I got the name for my new thread, I named it after one of my favorite comedy fake-commercials from the Saturday Night Live show from the early 90s. You can see it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXG8RNTp5EM

Work is going well today. Busy, but sane for once.

bell: I definitely don't always reach my goals, Bell. I wish! I've been having a problem approaching this new goal weight of 175 lbs for over 2 months. I may not make it that low this year. I'm pretty happy with where I am, especially since the original weight goal that my doctor had for me was around 205 lbs, and I fluctuate between 182-185 lbs now. That is much lower than they thought that I would be able to maintain without crashing. But...I really want to be in the "normal" or "not overweight" weight range for my height on those BMI charts. The cut-off is 175 lbs. I want to get there this year, but...if I don't, I'm pretty happy with where I am.

ESAthletea: Yep, I get so focussed sometimes, that I lose sight of why I'm doing what I'm doing. The big picture is IMPORTANT. I naturally have a narrow focus, so I'm in no danger of going to the other extreme, and missing the mini-steps required to reach toward goals.

Dj: I love to hear about how new habits change things for the long-term. Recently, I like to think of my food and exercise plans more like they are life-long hobbies. They are things that I do outside of work to feel good, for fun, and fulfillment. Thinking about them that way, as opposed to how I used to think about them as a drudgery and/or as things that I have to do to survive, makes a big difference to me. It places the focus more on how much fun it is to do them. It does not have to be torture or drudgery.

stickn2it: The part about "feeling my body and what it wants to eat" remains one of the hardest parts of my program right now. I'm usually successful at recognizing what my body needs and is asking for these days, but emotional eating sometimes pulls me off-track for a day or so. No biggie. I always catch myself after a couple/three days of fooling myself. You can too.

Hi Cfj,
YES I DO LOOK UP TO YOU! I think you have done so wonderfull, it let's other know that they can too! I like the way you put your thoughts down and work through stuff, that is what I am tring to learn to do. I know this can be a long road and that this has to be a life style change and not just a diet. I know I need to teach myself this and learn how to be happy with a newer life style. At times I have trouble putting down what I really feel. So I turn to your journal to see how to do this and I learn from you. You also can sure get me to thinking,lol.
I looked at your pictures, Wow you can sure see the differents!!! That is just so GREAT!
hope you have a great day!
.........Hugs, Millie

I like your new goals.

I am a faithful lurker here. Most of the time I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said so don't post. I do want you to know I think you are one of the most interesting people I have been in contact with. You are so too the point.

Good luck on your new way of life.

Carol

Hi :wave: I like your new journal - I think the change of seasons' is definitely right; I just had to kick it up a notch in my own. Anyhow - I like how you detailed your goals, you will achieve each one of those, with time!

BTW; is the beard growing back? Or are you continuing to keep it short?

Hi there,

I see you've started a NEW JOURNAL so of course I had to subscribe to keep up with your PROGRESS ...

I hear you about working towards goals ... and attaining each goal does take TIME .. but when you look back to where you've been YOU KNOW THAT THE TIME is well spent. Take care and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I am as always, Monica

Great new thread. Good luck to you, You are an exercise.... I dont know, you must really enjoy it. I think you are an inspiration, you work so hard and you are straight to the point. That is a great thing.

Aha! I found you!

For the record, there are tons of us around here that look up to you and think you are the bomb-diggity. That's why we are always clamoring for advice in your journal as well as our own, which is probably exhausting for you at times. I don't blame you for running to a new journal! :laugh:

I like the goals you outlined in the first post. I think those are all doable, and all good foci for the next few months for sure. I was surprised to hear you say you are still wading through all the emotional crap where the weight loss is concerned. I guess I had this rosy picture of goalishness, where you are well-adjusted and everything is perfect and petunias bloom in your toilet every morning. I sometimes feel like I am just starting to scrape the SURFACE of the emotional crap, so I guess I have a long way to go!

Stay the course man--you are doing all the right things, and when you do what you consider to be the "wrong" things you get right back in the game and balance it out with exercise and good stuff. Isn't that what we are all aiming for? I mean, to be able to find that kind of balance. That is what I see in Bell--the balance in her life. I see it in you too!

Check ya later--sorry for babbling so long in your journal! Happy happy that you got to ride outside today.

Yay for the outdoor riding!! :D

I really admire your dedication, perseverance and serious workout ethic, as well as how thoughtful you can be in your posts. I think we share many of the same basic beliefs, but there are a lot of differences in our approaches. I learn a lot from looking at those differences. Thanks!

Nice new journal -- have a great week!

Lisrey :up:

Glad work is for sane for you so far. Hope it continues to go that way. I am hoping for a sane day myself. Yesterday was yuck for me. Anyway, I took so much of your advice that you posted in my journal. Thanks a bunch. Wishing you a productive and successful day.

I know there are a ton of people who are on here who look up to you. You have proven that it can be done. We admire that. Plus you are always willing to give advice, and when it comes from someone who has been there/is there, it always means more.

I'm glad work isn't nuts right now. HOw is the search for an IT person coming along?

Have a great day.

I rode outside this morning, instead of going to spin class. It was COLD! It was right at the freezing point. Brrr. Hard ride.

Keeping in the spirit with the new positive-focus of my new journal, I'm going to include a "good news" section first, and a "work on it" section after that. I'm going to look at the positive first, and keep from phrasing things that I need to work on as failures or bad events. They are things that I need to figure out how to work on and/or through.

Ride Details
Good News: I have more high-end aerobic staying power than I did even at the end of last riding season (can stay longer at high-end exertion). I can also climb hills with more power than last year (able to string together many more HARD leg pushes on hills). I rode much better in the cold than I did last year. I used to CRAWL in the cold, and I started out today at about the same overall speed that I was riding last fall when it was 25 degrees warmer. :) I also think that I have my bicycle seat and handlebar positions dialed in almost perfectly. I'm going to leave them there for at least a week or two before I try any new changes. No pain in my hands, back, knees, etc., which is a great sign that my gear is set up correctly.

Work on it: I need to work on my technique and mind-set for riding against the wind. There was a foggy, 2-5 mph steady wind all the way back to town (last 17 miles or so), and it was harder for me mentally than physically. I just wanted to give up and go slower. I should have pushed harder than I did. I also need to work on my long-term staying power. I'm so used to fast-moving spin-class intervals, that I'm not used to how slogging and grinding an outdoor ride can be. This is especially true for times like this morning where it was foggy and icey. Ice-mist was sticking to my glasses, there was no scenery to look at, and I'm not used to traffic any more than drivers are used to seeing lone bicyclists miles from town on a country road. I lost a blinky-reflector tail-light somehwere too. I need to get one that screws onto the bike, in stead of just clipping on.

Distance: 35 miles
Time: 140 minutes
Average Speed (includes stop for restroom break): 15 mph? - messed up working the computer, so this is a guess.

Average Heart Rate: 130 bpm (includes break and redlights)
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1957

Responses: - WOW there are a lot of visitors! My goodness!

millie47: This journey can be a long road, if you let it. It might sound hokey, but I don't think that it has to be that way. If you see and expect hardship and adversity in change, then losing weight will be a misurable experience for you. I've done plenty of that, and been pleny misurable too. I got tired of it, and usually concentrate on what I LIKE about the changes that I've made. How they make me feel better in general. There is so much more good than bad...it is just so hard to dwell on the good as long for most of us. Every day I see new things, do things that I never thought that I could do...I no longer feel...stuck. I was stuck in a rut of obesity. Now, I'm out of it. It feels good.

Carol: Me, so to the point? :laugh: :help: :D Jeesh. I mentally and emotionally meander in here, almost as much as I do in real life. I have a bad habit of daydreaming and dwelling on ideas and stuff. To the point? I wish to god I could be much more concise and say what I was really thinking. Thanks for the complements, though.

FSUgirl: I've decided to stay naked-faced for a while. I'm still not used to my own face yet. When I get over the novelty, I'll grow it back though. Maybe in June? Maybe a soul-patch and chops? :laugh:

monicapink: I like the "keep moving forward" mantra. That was in that new 3-D Disney movie "Meet the Robinsons". Good words to live by, though. Not letting adversity stop you or make you unhappy is so important in life. If you keep moving forward you either over-come the obsticle, or something else pops up that presents some other goal or opportunity that you CAN and WILL achieve.

smallfri: I'm not an exercise freak...I really do like bicycling that much. I think/hope that there is a sport or activity out there for everyone that they can really get into like that. I think that we all were born to be physically active...it is just finding out what you were built to do that is fun for you that is the hard part. After you find it, working out is just a fun hobby. Not work or torture.

Lucretia: I'm trying to take compliments and everything, but...my goodness. I just pass on what my nutritionist says to me, and let people know what has worked for me. Nothing else. I did not do lots of research or anything. My nutritionist did. I just listened really hard, wrote some of it down to use it when she told me to, etc. Besides, a lot of the advice that I give is about experimenting with little steps and paying attention to how that makes you feel. That is the BIG deal. Find out what foods make you more susceptible to emotional/binge eating, and control, but not forbid those. Oh, and paying attention to how you feel and to the portion sizes that you are actually eating. Most of the rest of it for me is mind-games to get my mind off obsessing about food and eating every damn second...

Lisrey: Outdoor riding rocks. Even on cold and foggy days like today, the outdoor ride was more envigorating than indoor spin classes. Those indoor spin classes really spoil you with the climate control, no wind, stable platform, no traffic, etc. It is not real, and people have to yell at you to make you move. Outside, you are GOING SOMEWHERE and have to get there, have other bicyclists and traffic to deal with, weather, scenery...big difference.

stickn2it: Anytime you need second-hand advice from my nutritionist, just let me know. :) Like I was saying above, a lot of it is just a balanced diet, trial and error, and listening to your body for what it wants. If you watch your portions, and eat what your body asks for, you will be fine. Have faith in yourself.

This post is about 200 times bigger than I had intended it to be. I have to get to work. Later all.

I understand 100% what you're saying about the difference between indoor and outdoor riding. The treadmill just doesn't do for me what an outdoor walk does! For that matter, I much prefer horseback riding outside rather than in an arena... though that's got different variables. Your ride today sounded grueling, but I just *knew* you'd see tons of improvement over last year since you worked so hard with the spinning. Way to go!

Lisrey :up:

Actually I wasnt thinking freak but ok. I think its great that you do it so much and enjoy it. That is awesome. I agree, I think exercising outside is so much better then exercising inside.

I rode 50 more minutes tonight after work. Without all of the extra cold-weather gear, warmer temperatures, and no cold-wind blowing in my face, I FLEW! I was averaging 19 mph, and that includes stops at red-lights. Fitday.com says that was another 600 calories. Goody.

RayeViking: We cross-posted earlier! I don't know what to say about all of this "look up to" talk. I'm...flattered (BIG PUFFY CHEST, STRUT), but I've only been below 210 lbs since last June. I sort of won't believe that it is real until I keep myself under 200 lbs for an entire year in early July. That is not to say that I have not made some plans. I plan to get a tattoo to commemorate the occasion. I'm still deciding on what tattoo to get. I know that it sounds strange and/or silly to plan something like that, but I want something to sort of stare back at me in the mirror as a reminder...you know?

Lisrey: I don't think that I'm going to be even close to "fast", but I will be able to keep up with the local recreational crowd by June or so. That includes the local 35+ years old bicycle touring crowd, not the 35+ year old race crowd. Those guys are just as fast as they were 15 years ago...it is just that the younger fast guys are INSANE these days. I have never reached over 30 mph on a flat for more than like a 10 second push to see if I could do it for 10 seconds, and then I die off. The older racers hold 30+ mhp flat speeds for over an hour, and and some of those younger race dudes around here push 40 mph on the flats for like an HOUR. Jesus. It is unreal.

smallfri: Outside in the real world is where it is at for exercise. That is for sure! And...maybe I was thinking freak, because that is what my wife calls me when she describes my riding regime? :laugh:

I'm back at work doing some computer updates to the servers while everyone else is off work. Busy, busy. Gotta go cuss at a stupid machine. Later all.

Hi, Cfj!!! :wave: You are a great example of the power of aerobics ... you are so consistent and it pays off!

I was just reading an article in some exercise mag about the difference in how to build fast twitch muscle fibers and slow twitch muscle fibers when in the gym. For some reason I thought of you and your biking. Ride on ...

Wow, you have some excellent stamina when it comes to riding. I am kinda new to your journal, but how long have you been riding? And, I am gathering that when you don't go to spinning class you cycle to work? Is that correct. I am trying to catch up here so I don't feel so lost.

yep, you're getting strong in the saddle! I remember the day at which I noticed things "worked" after a ride and it was like a choir of angels sang a wuphoric song in my ear. It was nice.

Your new digs are nice, too--liking the goals!

I've become emotionally dependent on writing in this thread, and hearing from you guys. I've decided to think of this as a good thing. It helps me to have the courage to reach out to others in-person more often too, so I know that I'm not becoming one of those detatched people that live only through online chats and texting. Besides, there are not that many places here in a town this size where I can talk about weight and exercise issues, where either money is not involved (counseling services, for-pay weight loss centers, etc.), or there is not a strictly regulated agenda (OA or Church weight-loss type groups). Maybe I should start one? 8-| I've actually thought about it, but don't know if I want to dedicate any more time to "food" and "weight" than I already do. I sort of resent the fact that I pay attention to it as much as I do already.

I'm having issues staying positive today. I was at work until 10:40 PM last night running computer network server updates. It did not go smoothly, and I think that one of my major machines has some serious issues that could suck up an entire weekend of mine sometime over the next couple of weeks. X-( Add to that, a few other IT issues that have gone poorly over the last 2 days, increased pressure on deadlines for 3 big database deliverables due from May 1-5, and continued problems on my end with a report that I'm putting together for one of the worlds most fakey and passive-agressive people that I have ever met...I will not be gloomy. I will not be gloomy. I will not be gloomy.

ESAthletea: I'm working a lot with this fast-twitch, slow-twitch muscle thing. I build power more quickly than most people (fast-twitch), and it is hard for me to build up my endurance without bulking up so much that the added muscle weight becomes a burden. So, while I build endurance at about the same rate as everyone else, I have to make sure that I don't do too many high-weight and low repitition exercises, or it hurts my endurance. I think that is one of the reasons that I like bicycling so much. It allows me to build my endurance, while using some of my power, but not to the extent that I bulk up any more. You can only push so hard on a hill that takes more than a few minutes to climb, which forces my body to build more slow-twitch muscles than it naturally wants to.

stickn2it: Last year was the first year that I rode my bicycle more than say 15 minutes at-a-time in 5 years or so with any regularity. Like 20 years ago, I used to ride a lot, but stopped for some reason. I started riding again last spring to get out of the gym and off of the elliptical trainer, and remembered that I used to and still do love bicycling. I started out in bad shape last spring (dead after 30 minutes when I started), and capped off my season riding in a 100 mile charity ride down in Boulder, Colorado last September (7.5 hour ride for me then - lots of breaks and stops required).

I did spin classes over the winter to keep up my overall endurance and bicycle strength when it was too cold to ride outside. I'm originally from North Carolina, and just won't ride on icey/snowy roads and COLD weather conditions that you find here in Northern Colorado pretty much from mid-November until early April. I try to ride my bike the WHOLE 10 MINUTES to work at least 3 days per week, otherwise, and pretty much every day that there is not a sleet or electrical storm from mid-May until mid-October.

Since I'm in better shape this year, I don't plan to ride as many hours as I did last year (15-20 hours per week). My wife got lonely! Instead, I plan to train primarily with intervals, and lots of rest days (10-13 hours per week). This is the new trend in "weekend warrior" training to prevent injuries, maximise your results, and allows you to have time for little things like work and family too. I'm all for that!

jessica: Yep, things are going well on the bike again. It is so easy to get stoked about things that seem to flow so easily. My legs are extra sore from getting used to outside road conditions. The soreness is mostly due to me powering over a few little hills without shifting down to an easier gear, like a sane person would do.

I keep working, coming back to this after a while, repeat. I'm going to close it now. Later.

I want petunias in my toilet every morning. How do you do that without dirt and sunshine? heh (Maybe I should be eating flowers on my salads and then I'd find flowers in my toilet???)

Great new journal. I love Happy Fun Ball. You are the bombiest-diggiest (what did Doc say? I don't get the young-peoples' jive). We have such a similar sense of humor sometimes I just get the giggles.

So I really identify with your new focus. Foci? Really, now. Being positive without being a perky nutbag is a real accomplishment for anyone, let alone YOU. You are one tough cookie and it is good for all of us to look at this jagged life with some perspective. I could never meditate. I've tried and tried. I keep falling asleep. I suppose that would make me the Super Buddha. zzzz But it is very cool that it works for you. I tend to do my best thinking when I'm writing, believe it or not. Even if I am writing mindless drivel -- or maybe ESPECIALLY when I am writing mindless drivel -- I am thinking through my issues.

I also am just sick and tired of thinking about dieting and food stuff all the time. I suppose that is why I've not been coming here religiously, though I miss my buddies. I record what I eat still and focus on the nutrition still (a few weeks running, whoa baby), but really that is ALL I allow myself. I don't even watch that much Food TV anymore. Sometimes, but not all the time. I'm discovering that there are other things out there! Don't get me wrong, I still love food, the eating of it, the preparation of it, seeing it, smelling it, reading about it, everything. I'm just trying to bring some perspective to it. It is hard after dieting for years and focusing on every little morsel that goes in your mouth and planning binges for days and feeling guilty for eating some things and for not eating others. What a whirlwind of time, emotions, and energy went into all that! How did I find so much time for sleeping???

I think you are someone to admire, dammit. Not b/c you are perfect or b/c you have lost a lot of weight or b/c you are an exercise demon. All those things are good and admirable, but I admire you for your character. If I don't admire the character of my friend, then he isn't my friend for long. I think you are a good guy, with good values, with tenacity and sensitivity and you want to make the world a better place. What's not to admire? My life is busy and full, I don't need to waste time on people I don't admire.

So THERE.

Heh. That's how we like our men around here--emotionally dependant! :laugh: Just kidding man, we do like that you come here and post all the time though.

I am with you and Chum on the "sick of obsessing" train. I'm very tired of having my entire life revolve around what I have or have not eaten, how much water I have consumed, etc. but I don't know how else to do it. If I don't track and plan it all goes to hell. Oh how I WISH I was just naturally slender and healthy! I have noticed that these naturally slender, healthy people do not think about food and exercise 24 hours a day. They just live. Maybe not--I suppose I don't live in their heads, but my friends that are small and always have been always think it's nuts that I plan my meals out and count all my calories.

Good job staying positive!!! You are doing great in that regard and I suck at it, so I will try not to drag you down with my ranting. I am starting to think that ranting might be my favorite hobby. Too bad it doesn't qualify as exercise, huh?

RANT AHEAD!!!! !!
lets all get in on the sick of thinking about dieting and food all the time..some days i wake up and think..**** wouldnt it be great to just eat and not think about how many cals are in it..not to obsess over whether i have been to the gym or how many calories i have burned off.
when i was heavier i didnt think about how many calories were in something..i didnt obssess over the size of my ass..blah blah blah..
for me the key is finding the difference between obsession and vigilance as Jess once told me..i feel like i am more on the side of obssession a lot of the time..its a fine line.
dont feel you are alone in that regard.. we are all there with you..but i tell myself most days that the fight is worth it but i would like things to be more natural and less forced..here i am 7 years after goal still feeling this way..dont say that to bum you out but its a fact.
hugs bell :)

I don't think you have to be naturally slim to not obsess over food. I refuse to believe that. I am not naturally slim anymore (though I once was naturally a healthy weight back in the cave man days) and I refuse to think about food all the time. I am going to lose weight too. Just watch me.

RANT RANT RANT

;)

I made it to the gym tonight for an upper-body and abdominal workout. I did 3 sets of 15-20 reps unless otherwise stated.

Wide-Grip Cable Lat Pull Downs: (120 lbs, 135 lbs, 135 lbs) much weaker than I was last year at this. :(

Straight Bar Cable Tricep Extension: (7th plate, 8th plate, 9th plate)
Hanging Bent-Leg Raises: - just my big-ass and heavy legs for resistance. Owy.

Straight Bar Cable Bicept Curl: (6th plate, 7th plate, 6th plate)

Decline Bench Rotating Medicine Ball Twist: (12.5 lbsball) - on a decline bench, lower 1/2 way down, hold ball straight out from body and rotate arms and shoulders such that your obliques get hit really hard. Still strong at this one.

Decline Bench Medicine-Ball Sit-Ups (12.5 lbs ball) - full sit-ups, where you hold the ball just above your head the entire time, like you are doing a basketball jump-shot. My lower back gives out before my stomach. Owy again.

Rotating Leg-Raises: Put feet together while on your back, and rotate them straight-legged up and over to just above the floor on each side of the ball. The point is to not let your heels touch the ball or the floor. There was lots of heel-floor popping and ball-kicking on my last set! :o

Pushups: just used my body weight. Did 3 sets of 25-30 reps.
Bridge: like get into a pushup-like position with your weight on your elbows and toes, and hold it as long as you can. Did not time them, but the third bridge was only about 30 seconds.

Upside-Down Pushups: body weight again, with feet up on 18 inch high box. You hang from a bar that is about waist-height, and pull yourself up to touch your chest to the bar. Looks like an upside-down push-up.

Rotating Straight-Arm Dumbbell Raises: (15 lbs dumbells) lift straight arms to the sides to shoulder height, keeping the weights up there, rotate the dumbbells to the front, and slowly lower your arms. Repeat in reverse order. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Spin class and garden work tomorrow! I get most of the day off work. Goody.

chumlette: Here I am trying to get used to compliments, and you slam the hell out of me with admiration...character talk. Damn, woman! I guess that I DO want to make the world a better place sometimes. When I'm not being too lazy, or too scared to put myself out there and do something that needs doing, etc. That is to say...I try every now and then. Some of that comes from guilt from being such a pain in the ass when I was younger. Sort of trying to even-out my karma, you know?

I was one loud-mouthed, mean ass (family thing), son of b!#ch before I was in my mid-20s. Someone at my old work would say something about "the bastard" in conversation, and everyone there knew exactly who they were talking about (I was proud of that too). When I was in my early teen years I did not know any better, because that is just how my family is, and all that I knew how to be was the meanest, nastiest, and most situation-dominant, SOB on feet (unless there was a real sociopath there, that really did not care about anybody - then I got my ass handed to me). But after age 16-17 or so, I knew what I was doing (which also kept me from pushing it so hard that I did something that landed me in jail) and did it anyway. Mostly because I was good at it. I was the "enforcer" wherever I worked for all of those years. Kitchen work can be brutal at some places. I'm dwelling on old crap that I've mostly dealt with years ago...sorry.

Lucretia: My therapist keeps telling me that someday I won't obsess over food anymore. Right now, I don't believe her. Whenever I stop obsessing, I gain 8-10 lbs in 3-5 days. Blam! I can't go there for very long without feeling like crap both physically and emotionally anymore. I've heard of lots of other people like me that never stop obsessing about food and weight issues. Bell says that she does the same sort of thing, and I have read some reports that many people that can obsess long-term are more successful at keeping it off statistically. But it is a pain in the butt.

I just naturally obsess over...SOMETHING, no matter what, it seems like. I guess that my main trick to get around that is that I obsess over bicycling and working out too. I switch around my obsessions, and pick ones that don't make me sedentary or eat too much. It is working so far. But it would also be nice to "forget about it". Huh?

bell: I'm with you entirely on this one. I sort of naturally obsess about things, and if I was not obsessing about food, I would be big as a house and misurable to boot. There are worse obsessions, for sure. Right? I mean, if you are going to have an obsessive hobby, then I guess that healthy eating and working out are better ways to go than gambling, or collecting shot glasses...:laugh:

As usual, I wrote too much, and this got long again. I'm not even going to proof read this post, so forgive any half-typed sentances and idea fragments above. That sort of stuff drives me nuts, even though I can't spell (semi-dislexic here). Hanging sentance fragments, half ideas...brrrrrr. It makes me shiver to think about it. I'm stopping now. Night all.

Hmmm. So your theory is that if you are a creep as a young man and teen, then you must still be a creep when you've grown up? I think I would have to disagree. Though I don't know you in your "real" life. I only know what you write about yourself. And maybe you are a faker. I've been fooled by worse here at DT and elsewhere. But you don't seem to be, based on my readings of your journal for the past year or two. I based my opinions on what I've read. Maybe you should read your own journals. B/c you seem like a good guy. But what do I know?

But I will end with this. I WANT to like you. And as someone I WANT to like, I hope you have a good day off.

I have to second what Chum says. Why is it that someone always says it better than I ever could? I guess that is why I don't like to write much. Unless it is ranting in my own journal, then I can go on and on and on. Oh sorry, this isn't my journal.

I'm glad to hear that you are getting a day off. Enjoy it immensely.

Have a great day.

Slept through spin class. I will ride this afternoon. I'm at work switching out the backup drives for the week, and will leave soon after that is done for garden work with the dogs for most of the day. Dan is coming over tonight for dinner and to hang out.

Food is good, but I won't know my weight for the biggest loser challenge until tomorrow when I get to the gym. I know that I have gained, but I don't know how much. I think that most of the gain is muscle, because of how my pants fit (the same in butt and waist, tighter above the knees and calves), but not all of it.

chumlette: this sounds like one of my conversations in group therapy...which is weird. I'm not trying to push you away by telling you how bad that I am, or that you should be careful with me. I'm not like that. I wasn't back then, either, really. At my nastiest, I reserved my "wrath" only for people that I thought deserved it (if you were a duplicitous con artist, or a preditor-type personality, watch your ass), and tried to take care of everyone else around me. I always took care of my crew when I was a kitchen manager/shift-boss, but expected HARD WORK and NO SLACKING OFF from everyone. People that I thought were regularly trying to steal food to get better tips (free food for f#cking up is okay because it keeps customers happy and coming back, but for every meal and only personal gain takes pay increases away from the kitchen staff), slacked off too much, or proved to be back-stabbing sociopaths were fare game. And I enjoyed the hell out of "getting" them. Sometimes I was wrong about who I chose to "get", and made people cry and/or walk-out of work for the day.

So...I'm not naturally nasty and mean. I don't think that I ever have been. I was just good at it once, and enjoyed it a little bit too much. I feel guilty about...having liked it so much (notice the past tense here). Even the worst assholes that I "got" did not deserve what I gave them, sometimes. I could have just said "stop it", and meant it. Instead, I used to get into their heads and...do battle with them? It was not enough for them to stop behaving that way after a certain point. I had to mentally and emotionally completely defeat them, or make them quit the job and/or submit.

Like I said, though...I can't even contemplate going there anymore. I'm not making sense here. I'm not trying to put out the "warning I'm dangerous" signals. I'm trying to share the motivation behind why I am the way that I am now. I've seen and done bad things. I have not acted like that since....1989? That is a life-time ago for me, but it still impacts how I feel about myself. I still worry about hurting the people around me...sort of a pre-emptive guilt thing? Man, I'm f#cked up. I don't even know what I feel or think about what I'm really trying to say. It is some sort of hidden shadow-place in me.

The short message is that I'm not trying to warn you away by telling you how nasty I am. I don't want you or others to pull back. I do, however, feel...dirty and kind of perpetually "bad" or "evil"... I'll stop now. Blech.

Okay, so now I've got the whole cycling concept...thanks for catching me up to speed. Good luck with you challenge weigh in and enjoy yourself this weekend. From reading, you've had a hard couple offdays at work...not to mention long nights. After ten....WOW!! That is dedication!

CFJ:

Okay, so here's the new journal....

I think that sounds pretty nice that you snoozed through spin. You deserve it!

I hope you have a great weekend with your pal. Is it a World of Warcraft night???

Have a blast!

-kristen

I worked all afternoon in the yard, and then went out for a longish ride. I'm not used to riding outside anymore, and it wiped me out.

Ride Details
Good News: Was able to ride hard for the first 2 hours. No problems with speed, or the bike. Good, long, hard ride.

Work on it: The extra 42 minutes longer than I do my spin classes wiped me out. I was running on fumes for the last 20 minutes or so. I should have stopped for water or something before I became that depleted. Riding outside is hard.

Distance: 47 miles
Time: 167 minutes
Average Speed (redlights): 16.9 mph - last half-hour slow-down really hurt my overall speed.
Average Heart Rate: 135 bpm (includes redlights)
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 2265

stickn2it: I got a lot of yard work done today, and the dogs "helped" too. Nice, tired dogs! Thanks for dropping by!

Kristen23: Yep, this is my new journal. Thanks for the visit. I do wish that I had NOT slept through spin, though. It sort of backfired later in the day, when I tried to ride outside to make up for it. I got very tired, irrattic, and pissed my wife off. Good thing that she loves me, huh?

I really blew it tonight. I sort of bonked on that long ride, and was not thinking too clearly after. We played Monopoly with Dan, and I figured that my only real chance to win was for one of them to screw up, so I would not trade any property with them. Wrong move. Debbie interpreted this as me "not wanting to play, and making them misurable". Nope. I was trying to win, and those were the best odds in my favor. Damn. I wish that I could have a do-over. They were both kind of miffed. But I wanted to win...stupid.

I can't get a hold of Bill for tomorrow's meeting with him. I hope that he calls in the morning. She will be pissed that I'm spending time with him instead of her tomorrow too. I hate it when she gets into a mood where all that she can see is what everyone and everything around her does "wrong" or to piss her off. I'm not in the mood for it, either. I can see her point though.

I slept through my spin class, and then took time away from doing something with her to ride this afternoon, where I bonked and was like 30 minutes late getting home, and then I played cut-throat monopoly, and tomorrow I'm supposed to go do something fun with Bill. Damn. Life gets messy fast.

I got lots of work done on the front yard, though. I will do the back yard, maybe with Debbie, if Bill does not call. The back yard is a real mess. Lots to do there.

I'm going to bed now. Maybe alone in the guest room. I think strangely when I get this tired. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Hopefully Debbie will get over it soon. If my husband got pissy everytime I had something else going on so that I didn't spend time with him, we'd never get along. Although we have kids, so I would suppose that changes things a bit.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

women get pissy all the time mate..but you know what..they get over it..dont sweat it!
hugs bell :)

In my peak training days, when doing bricks, I carried two water bottles, one with diluted electrolyte fluid, and squirty gel energy stuff. After 60 mins, I squirted energy stuff, (vanilla orange....ummm. GU? I think? with caffeine was the best)--and then at the 90- min mark, I'd drinl elecrtolyte stuff (cytomax.) after rides, I'd drink cytomax, too, it was good for muscle crampage.

If I were playng against you, I'd say it, (as I was being cut-throat) as much as I'd hate having it said against me: "It's a game."

a-hem.

pissy is as pissy does--moods happen, they pass, so goes life. Make tomorrow good, whatever you do. Give her a kiss and enjoy dinner together and let her know you appreciate her openness to you haveing a life, and have your life.

sleeping alone can be a wonderful thing--all bed to yourself, no one hogging space or covers. Mmmm.

Hi, Cfj!!! :wave: Your journal is always interesting ... you are doing really well, I wouldn't worry so much about the past if I were you (apologies for giving advice, hate that I do that). Everyone changes and grows. Sounds like ye are tired. Have a great whatever's left of your day off!

The weekend was much better after Friday night. Debbie had calmed down about the night before by the time that we woke up, and I was feeling better. We woke up Saturday, and went out shopping with the gift certificate that I got Debbie for her birthday. She got a great web design geek book. Beautiful artwork concepts for websites. Cool.

We also had a great lunch out, and got a few more clothes for both of us. I really did not need anything, but there were a couple of shirts that we saw that were only $9 and $12 each that looked really nice...so I got them. Debbie says that I'm becoming a clothes pony (cheap, small-time clothes horse wannabe). I have been getting happy with my chothes. :o :help:

Sunday, we met some local wildlife biologists and their spouses from school to start practicing for a softball league. I have not hit a softball since the 1980s, and it hurt my hands! My hands and fore-arms really, really hurt. My shoulder does too, where I tweaked a rotator cuff a couple of years ago. I'm falling apart, I tell you. It was fun. Debbie and I are by far not the most skilled players, but it is a coed team, and looks like it will be fun.

After softball, I took Bill out fishing. We did not catch anything, but had a long talk or two. His mom is too strict for a kid his age, in my opinion. He is not allowed out of her sight for more than 15-20 minutes, and he is 14 years old. When I was his age, I had to report in and stay with at least 2-3 other friends (parents checked your stories to make sure that you were together every day), and the BIG rule was that you had to be in the house by the time that the automatic street lights came on for dinner. Otherwise, you were supposed to stay the hell out of your parents way, most of the time. He is not allowed to go to the store, ride bikes in the dirt field next to his house, or anything. Weirdness. How is he supposed to learn how to be responsible, if they don't test him, and let him fail at little things? You know, where he learns WHY failing at those little things matters BEYOND getting into trouble with your parents (seeing wild stuff happen when people get themselves into the "wrong" position is believing).

Anyway, after that, Debbie and I played WOW online with Dan. Good day. I'm tired, and still have sun-screen lotion all over my arms, face, and neck. I should go bathe and sleep.

RayeViking: Debbie got over it. It helped that I cold not get a hold of Bill, and we went out together on Saturday. She is getting the idea that I don't like being around him better...that it is more of an obligation and...different thing. It does not compete with her at all...except for competing with her for time on Saturday sometimes.

bell: Us dudes become grumpy old farts too. That is what I was being Friday night when I was playing that game. I wanted to win, or come close, and if I could not do that, then I was going to CONTROL the game. Now THAT is nasty.

jessica: No such thing as sleeping alone in my house. Our little dog, Micah, whines if anybody sleeps in the guest bedoom without her. She curls against your legs and "watches over" you all night. She watches the door for...boogey things? Anyway, I did not sleep in the other room either. Debbie chilled out, and so did I.

ESAthletea: Thanks for dropping by. I had a great weekend. My food was a little bit high today, but I was still feeling light-headed when I woke up from working out so hard on Friday. I will dial it back tomorrow, for sure. It is raining, so I will be doing spin class. Good thing that I like spin class! Later.

Your weekend sounds fabulous--chill, good spring fun. I am glad you and Debbie don't hold long stupid grudges over little disagreements like that. I know some couples that hold those grudges so long they don't know what they're mad about and they are just making each other miserable!

Softball league sounds like a blast! That's always a good way to be social in the summer, get a little exercise, and enjoy the sunshine at the same time.

Glad you had a great weekend--enjoy spin today! It's supposed to rain here too--I think we're in the same weather pattern most of the time.

Hey, Fagan..... been reading and catching up in here. I totally get what you were saying when you were talking about how you were in your past vs. how you are now. I think a lot of those experiences lead us to where/who we are now and that's a good thing. I have a lot of stuff in my past that I wished I hadn't done, but wishing doens't make it go away, unfortunately.... if that were the case, I wouldn't have needed a lawyer in my divorce...LOL

But I think Chum and Lucretia are right in knowing from reading your journals that you are a good guy trying to live a good life.... that's all any of us can do, right? I truly believe that when people write, it's a better way of really getting to know someone. It's harder to hide things when you write everyday... if you were only writing once and awhile that would be different. But you are sharing your everyday life. I guess there could be someone out there and probalby is that makes up their "everyday" life stuff and could be totally faking someone out. But I don't think that's you. If that were you, it would have come out at some point.... you're kind and dedicated and good to other people here at dt, too. Someone that's not a good person doesn't take the time to be like that.

Your weekend sounds great! I day dream about getting back into some of my beautiful smaller clothes and of course buying new ones! That's one of the things I loved about being a normal size, was clothes... LOL There goes my charge card when I get my weight down. oh oh... lol

Take care and have a great week! I'm glad you got a day off... you work entired TOO hard most weeks! I sure hope they appreciate you where you work!!

I suppose every long-lasting couple gets into miff-competitions over nonsense every so often.

Do you guys have Mac computers or PCs? I am thinking about finally replacing my laptop b/c the letters "u" and "n" don't work all the time and other reasons (slow, etc) and considered a Macpro, but everything I've ever written is in Windows/Word. I also like that there is no virus issue with a Mac. Any opinions?

I haven't played softball since Junior High School, I don't think. I always thought those work-related teams looked fun though.

Oh. And I know you weren't trying to push me away (or anyone for that matter). I was just giving you a sarcastic earful. You are my bud and I like it that we can speak our minds with no worries for reprocussions.

Love reading your journal, just wanted to pop in and say hi. Good work on the outdoor bike riding. I think I forgot how to ride a bike lol....isn't that one thing your not supposed to forget?

I feel for Bill. We do have our daughter on a tight lease but not that tight. Maybe one day his mom will see he's growing up and there soon will be nothing she can do.

Keep up the good work....keeep me interested!!

LMJ

It is raining today, so I went to spin class after work, instead of riding on the road.

The first class was taught by Heather, and the second class was taught by Jenna. I had a hard time getting my heart rate up for the first class, for some reason, but worked extra hard on Jenna's hill-class. The hill-class was extra nasty.

Ride Details:
Good News: Legs were really strong. I was able to push harder than I thought that I used to in spin class. Road riding has shown me that I was holding back more than I had thought in spin class. My legs are stronger than I thought that they were, and I can take more aerobic punishment too.

Work on it: I find it hard to "sprint" or push it really, really hard (90% or greater heart rate) for more than say 20 seconds. I don't know how other people "go all out" for any longer than that. It is not my lungs and/or heart that hold me back. My legs just turn to rubber after 20-30 seconds at that level of effort. I can't mash the pedals anymore after that. My legs just slow down. I forsee many more real outdoor hills in my spring-summer training to get better at training near my maximum heart rate this spring and summer.

Time: 110 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 133 bpm (includes warming up and cooling down for both classes, and a bathroom break)
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1608

Lucretia: Debbie gets...pissy, to borrow other's words, but does not hold a grudge. We sort of have a "don't go to bed mad" rule too. We usually stick to that one, no matter what. The only time that one of us actually sleeps in the other room is when one of us is too sick to share a bed with. One of us needs our sleep, and takes care of the one that is in the "sick room".

Dj: thanks for the kind thoughts. I asked a freind of mine about "long ago", and she said that she never saw me that way (predatory). She said that she and most of the people that we knew thought that I had lots of "issues", and acted out against agressive people, but that everyone else always knew that they were safe around me. It made me feel better to hear it from her. Maybe I was never as bad as I thought that I was? Maybe I've been feeling guilty for mostly acting like a jerk to people that deserved it in the first place. That is Jess's opinion (my friend). I don't know. I think that I really feel guilty, because I enjoyed doing it...getting back at them so much. It is not...a decent thing to do or like to do, but I did both. I've come back to the same damn thoughts. Blech.

chumlette: It is a personal preference, but I don't like macs. I guess that the biggest reasons are that you can't get decent GIS, webserver/database, and online role-playing game software for them. They do lots of very simple things better and faster than a PC, but are not as adaptable, and it is harder to share information with non-mac users sometimes. It is just not worth the trouble to me. Get decent antivirus software that updates itself every night. That solves that problem.

I also don't like laptops. Laptop quality has plummeted over the last few years, and I don't think that it is worth it to get one anymore. If you HAVE to have a laptop for traveling and such, I say get the super-cheapest Dell, HP, or Compac that you can afford, AND get a cheap desktop at the same time. Getting both computers is cheaper than getting a half-decent laptop (go upper-end Dell, or Toshiba, or Sony for decent laptops). The cheap desktop will last and be useful for longer than even the decent laptop. The cheap laptop will be...disposable. Plan to have to reformat, fix, and/or replace lots of stuff on it after a year or so. Even the decent laptops end up having issues sooner than you expect to have to replace it. I don't think that they are worth the money.

Then again, I'm a tech geek. Most of my biologist friends and co-workers get laptops and macs anyway...and then get to hear me curse and stomp around the hall when the damn things break and I don't know how to fix them after 3-6 months. There seem to be constant issues with laptop periferals like wireless connection devices, bluetooth devises, usb devices, hard-wire network connection conflicts, etc.; but I digress.

lovemyjeep: Good to see you back. Keep your chin up!

I was damn unproductive at work today. I worked diligently all day, and it seemed like all that I got done was to make sure that the stuff that I had running this past weekend finished properly. All of my other "projects" today are in flux, and I got interrupted with a new task that needs to be done tomorrow. Busy, busy.

Time for bed. Nite all.

I heart my mac powerbook, and I'll go to you, directly to you, when I have issues :D

I'm being unproductive right now, whiling away my time on DT when I need to do work work.

meep.

*scuttles away.*

Can you bottle me up some of your energy and send it my way, its not for me, its for my four year old. He is so lazy, I still drag him out even if he does whine cause it doesnt bother me. lol.

Just passing thru wishing you a much better week than last week. Hadn't had time to read backwards, but how's work going and the IT position? Is it filled yet or close to being filled? Thanks again for all the help/advice last week. I think (well I am sure) it is really paying off.

My oracle server just died, and 20 people can't work today until I get it fixed. On the positive side, that means that the damn thing will really be fixed this time, and I won't have to worry about it breaking once a week anymore. My bosses are just going to have to bite the bullet, and pay for the time to really fix it this time.

It is still raining today. I hope to make it to spin class tonight. We'll see how the Windows Server and Oracle installations go. I'm pretty fast at it by now, though, from installing the software on test-boxes and such. Wish me luck. I need all that I can get.

Food and all is good today. At least I know what to do to fix the damn thing now. It was in this broken, then fixed, then broken, then fixed limbo before. Reformatting and setting it up from scratch will definitely erase all vestigases of that worm that attacked the machine over a month ago. Goody.

jessica: Macs are very stable...but they just don't do what I need them to do that well. I can see why people like them, though. I'm off to work too. meep.

smallfri: Kids are supposed to be lazy, right? They grow and stuff when they lay around. This is a good thing, yes? Thanks for dropping by.

*luck*

Just saying hi.... I see you've started a new journal. Like the title. It's funny in that it's not very "Faganesque." I'll have to check out the YouTube clip later; it does sound vaguely familiar. My personal favorite in the "fake SNL commercial" category is for the Mom Jeans. ("Stylish.... with a nine-inch zipper!")

I was at work until about 11 PM last night. I fixed everything, though. No spin classes since Monday due to the madness. Today seems pretty full too. We'll see what happens.

jessica: Thanks for the luck, Jessica. I think that it worked, because everything is working fine this morning. Just to make double sure with respect to superstition, I also changed my earing, and re-arranged my magnatic action figure on my filing cabinet. Yes, I really do that. :laugh: :o

teacher81: Are you posting on your own journal anymore? I was looking for your journal yesterday...it was not on the first four pages. As for the happy fun ball...I love comedy. I love to laugh and make fun of things in general. The world is pretty amazing and absurd at the same time. You know?

Fagan, you are so awesome. So glad that you managed to get the server up and running.

Have a wonderful, productive day.

PS, love the rearranging action figures.

Fagan, you are doin' great 'n spinnin' along as usual, despite work keepin' ye outta the action for awhile.

I'm not as fit as ye but also have a problem with aerobic "all outness" because legs turn to rubber. I think it has somethin' to do with not enough fast twitch muscles. I was readin' an article about how to build more fast twitch muscles in the gym; unfortunately, I can't find it now so I'm still kind of clueless on that.

Hope ye get to your classes soon as ye deserve the break.

Work is a distraction from real life, isn't it?

You are the king of computer mechanics! I would hate my life if I still had to go to a job until 11 pm. I've done it plenty in my life and I just don't have the gumption for it anymore. You are a sparkling, whizzing, whirling, amaz-o-tron.

Hope today was a good day.

PS -- thanks for the Mac advice, though I'm still confused. All I do is Word and internet. I'm such a bore.

Hi

Ihaven't posted in your journal before but I really like the goals you are setting. I just read a book called the body signal secret and it talks about learning to know what your body wants to eat and when it wants to eat. Sounds just like what you are doing!

Way to go - and isn't it nice to be able to exercise outside again!

oooh. glad to know I have magic asterisk keys (that, combined with switched earings and techtoys= wheee!! Whatever works, dude!)

I felt like doing something different today for working out, because I was still tired from working late, so I did 1 hour on the elliptical trainer (989 calories, according to machine), some abdominal exercises (medicine ball cruches and twists), and some inner hip weight exercises. Good, and different workout. Will bike tomorrow and Friday.

RayeViking: Thanks, Wendy. I've been farting around with this server for weeks, trying to get my boss and her boss to okay the time layout to really fix it. That gave me time to think about it too. I also got a little lucky with the other servers.

ESAthletea: I have this bad habit of doing things to extremes. Same thing goes for aerobic exercise sometimes. Last week I bonked and was wiped out for 2+ days. It pays off sometimes too, in that I can go so hard and far...I love to push things in general. Not just exercise. I like to push things to the point to where I fail...often. It makes me feel "alive". Sick, huh?

chumlette: Whizzo-what? Me? I just got pissed off, and did stuff until the damn thing worked right. I kept doing stuff over and over. I had to repeat one step 3 times to get it right. Reading about it is definitely different than really knowing what you are doing. But...that never scared me before. It won't in the future, either. Machines don't scare me anyway. People do...:o

going2suceed: Thanks for the visit. The "listen to my body" part has been the most important thing that I have learned. It started with listening to my emotions in general, and expanded to food and how it makes me feel. Paying attention can make a big, giant difference. So simple, but so hard to "do" too. Like most things, I guess.

jessica: Thanks for the Wonder Woman mojo. I needed it! The earing and office toy voodoo doll also played a part...I'm sure....:D

I had a good day at work. I fixed the major server issue last night and this morning. Actually...I re-built the server from scratch last night, and after 4 hours of sleep, hooked up the other servers and all of the other users down the hall without any problems this morning before 10 AM. My boss actually congradulated me on fixing the problem. I spent the rest of the day documenting the solution to the problem. Another feather in my hat. Coolness.

Sleep. Now. Nite, all.

Man, you are dedicated. The boss damn well should congratulate you for saving their collective behinds yet again! Yep, whizzo, whiz-kid, for schizzle my wizzle. Just admit it.

Get some sleep!

This was the last week that my gym offers 2-hour spin classes for a while. :( It is officially bike season around here, and I'll just have to get my lazy butt out onto the real bike!

Robin taught both classes. I went really hard. There is an organized outdoor ride this afternoon too. I don't know if my legs can take riding with those guys after Robin's spin class. She was brutal today. I may head out with a group this weekend, instead.

Ride Details:
Good News: Was able to ride hard on the hill-resistance settings, AND keep my heart rate up for the entire time. I kicked butt! A lot of it is from incorporating outdoor riding into my workouts lately. They are much harder in a way, which makes me work harder in spin class too.

Work on it: My left calf is a little sore. I did calf raises with the entire stack of weights on the machine the other night, and am not used to it anymore. That is the same weight that I have been doing for about a year or more, but I got out of the habit of stretching it that far while lifting...owy. Need to stretch those bike muscles more.

Time: 110 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 141 bpm (includes warming up and cooling down for both classes, and a bathroom break)
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1608

Lucretia: my boss thinks like you do, which I like. I like the idea of "saving the place". But...my bosses boss thinks that if I really knew what I was doing, that it never would have crashed in the first place. I agree, actually. The problem is, that I'm doing both jobs half-assed (IT and database), instead of one of them decently. I can't do both jobs that well at the same time. I don't know enough about IT, and there simply is not enough time for me to do all that needs to be done to prevent things like that from happening. I'm just barely hanging on, barely making deadlines, and mostly keeping things running. I would need more training and time to make things run smooth. I'm not super man. Nope. Super *****y...well...:laugh:

I've had a freaky couple of days. Work has been...good but freaky in general. I was supposed to go to Bill's school yesterday for a visit. It is part of the mentoring program "agreement" that he, his mother, and I signed. Well, Bill and I set it up with his school, and they said that the best time to come would be during his last class, because it was a study-hall, and he could take me around the school to meet his teachers, see the school, etc. His mom knew about it, but his step-mom was out-of-the-loop somehow. I guess Bill did not tell her?

Anyway, I offerred to take him home from school if he missed the bus while we were still walking around his school, and his step-mom freaked out when the school called for the final confirmation for the visit. She thought that Bill was trying to set it up so that he could sneak off and hang around gang people or something after I dropped him off. She really freaked out, and canceled the whole thing. I don't get it. She pretty much said that she does not want me involved in his school at all. Period. I was just visiting to see where he went to school, to get a better idea of what his life is like...to help us connect. God damn. They treat him like he is always TRYING to do something wrong...like there is something inately evil about each and every one of his desires or something. Weirdness.

Similarly, they treat me like I'm trying to convert him to some damned religious cult that cuts him off from them. I find that kind of thinking...stupid. They are his PARENTS, for christ sake. I'm just some dude he hangs out with sometimes. They should have figured out by now, that I'm just there to hang out with him, give him another adult to talk to about stuff, and that I admit to him and them that I'm wrong from time-to-time and never perfect. We live through it. I try to show him by example that you can be "wrong" and not "evil" or "stupid". Big damn deal. You try to do the "right thing". You try to do "your best". That is the f#cking point. Right?

The kid is 14 years old, and they treat him like he is about 10-11 years old, and like he is some sort of...emotional freak with evil/wrong intentions. He can't do ANYTHING that a normal kid his age does to figure out how life works. At his age, you are supposed to be figuring out what you do when you push things too far. Right? You are supposed to learn that there are REAL LIFE consequenses to your actions outside of just getting "into trouble" with authority. If you fail a class, you have to re-take it (one full summer of summer school and NO FUN will cure most kids of not turning in homework...hehe). If you break something, you have to pay to fix it or fix it yourself. If you talk your friend into staying out too late, you watch them get into trouble with their parents. Stuff like that.

His parents are all up his ass to the point where he never sees the "why" you should do things in certain ways. He never gets around to thinking about why things happen the way that they do, and is totally confused about what seem like random rules that he must live by. He just blindly obeys rules, or gets jacked really hard by his parents. There is no in-between, or areas where he figures things out for himself. WTF is that? My f#cking dog has a more complicated life-decision processes than that. The kid is not working in a factory 24 hours a day. He is living real life. Real life DEMANDS that you make decisions based on what you need and want. Not just blindly follow a set of stupid rules, that may or may not work for every situation. A "by the book only" way of life just does not work for kids like Bill. He is too adventurous, inquisitive, and has a normal level of testosterone in his system for a kid his age. His parents are in serious danger of him throwing ALL the rules out the door when he turns 16-18, and him getting into some REAL trouble if they don't let him learn some of this stuff now.

That style of parenting may have worked on a farm long ago, when people started having kids as soon as they turned 18 years old, but that is not the world that he lives in now. This world demands that more complicated decisions be made by each person...Blech.

I'm full of rants lately. Sorry. This thing with Bill freaked me out. Later.

that Bill thing is weird. If he was targeted for--or signed p fo--the mentoring program, maybe it's because he needs it? I don't get it. It seems a bit like a slap on the hand to you, when this is a good, nice thing you're doing. Weird, but I guess we fear pedophiles and culists more than we value kindness. Or something...

WOW. Have you tried meeting the stepmom? I am not taking her side because she seems to be way too restrictive and that is NOT how young people learn. As a person who was a single mother for 12 years, then had a very difficult stepson to deal with for 10 more years I have been around some. I also work with teenagers through scouting and I find them to be confused people learning how to do the right thing, but sometimes doing the wrong thing and suffering the consequences.

Having said all that, there are far more fears for parents out there today. I had a terrible time with my stepson through his teens, with drugs and violence. Plus you have to be careful of gangs and unsavory characters. Some children are more easily led than others. Maybe if you met this woman and sat down with her you could explain your motives and the goals of the mentoring program? I can't see how any mother would NOT want a good influence like the one you would provide for their kids.

Anyway, ranting is good for you - gives you energy on those hills too!

I'm sorry about this situ with Bill, Fagan. It's really hard not to stew about that stuff also. Do you guys have any activities planned this weekend? It seems like the whole situation with his family is so strange. They enroll him in this mentoring program and then they act weird about the whole thing. It seems like they use things like this, that perhaps he was kind of excited about, to get him to "act right" or something twisted like that. It doesn't seem like that kind of thing would work on a kid his age.

I hope you and Debbie have a great weekend and you get to ride outside! It is supposed to be great weather here--you are probably getting it too.

Lots and lots of stuff going on lately. Judging from the dirth of other posts by some people on DT, it is a busy time for everyone lately.

Work is still insane. I finished updating the standard operating procedure documents that I use to maintain the database and servers, based on the re-build that I did this week on the main Oracle server. These documents are written to be as short and easy to read and follow as possible. They are written such that almost anyone can follow the directions and fix/re-build the servers, and are detailed enough to help geeks trouble shoot unexpected things (step-wise and short bullet lists of actions, followed by short-and-sweet text explanations of those actions). I used to feel funny about writing all of that stuff down, because I felt like it was doing the research and writing things down to help them fire me when funding gets tight (happens every 1-2 years or so there). Natural-History-type field biologists tend NOT to be the particular brand of tedious and exacting required to perform those type of tasks, though, and it quickly became apparent that writing that stuff down really helped me save time and do my job better, and when other people in the office read them they get a better idea of what I really do there besides sit in front of a computer, tell lots of jokes, randomly curse out loud, and scowl. The documents save us lots of time, and actually adds job security to my position.

Lots more going on at work too...but it is all geek-talk stuff. Let's just say that I finished lots of other small database/website/IT tasks this week. I have two big deadlines by the end of the coming week, though , and I have not even STARTED on those tasks. What...55-70 hours of slow, methodical, and tedious work for this week? Blech.

The issue of "life passions" keeps coming up with freinds and even in group therapy this past week too. I find it odd that some people can't find passion in life. I feel passionate about plants and flowers blooming, seeing the critters come out for spring, bicycling, doing my job well, riding my bicycle...hell...just about anything that catches my curiosity or that I like to do. A freind of mine was telling me about how they had no passion about anything since their kids left home for college. I don't know how that would feel. I find it easy to become passionate about non-life-altering events. How do you go through life without noticing how great the little things are? Sometimes just noticing things like lizards quietly sunning on the rocks, and seeing how magical even the simplest of things are in your back yard are awe-inspiring to me. I could happily dedicate my life to discovering some simple scientific fact that helps us understand how the universe works, just as easily as I could dedicate myself to helping people live better lives...such a dreamer. But being passionate about what I'm doing is the important part. Without that, what is the point?

Okay. I'm off to do some garden work, call Bill to see what we are doing today (he did not call me back yesteday or last night), play with the dogs, etc. The weather is going to be great today, so it will be a day for working hard outside, sweating, and doing things. I need that today.


jessica: They are not concerned with freaky stuff like pedofiles...they are concerned with him not doing exactly what they tell him to do. He is not supposed to do anything else that has not been talked about or cleared with them before-hand. I'm talking specifically talked about for that particular day. He is not allowed to deviate AT ALL from "the plan" for that day. If something comes up, or new activity presents itself due to the weather or whatever, the answer is ALWAYS NO. If they did not talk about it before-hand, he can't do things like go to the store and get a soda (2 blocks from his house), play with the neighbor kid without immediate permission, hang out in the front yard instead of the back yard (has to tell them EXACTLY what he is doing in which yard), etc. It is freaky, I tell you. I thought that he was exagerating about how controlling they are on him, because he is that age where kids naturally chafe at restrictions, but I have seen this stuff. Freaky.

going2suceed: I know what you are talking about. I was a much "badder" kid than Bill. I was a regular juvenile delinquent. Really. I used to get into 2-3 fights a week, smoked lots of pot, and had an attitude and a mouth...:laugh: ...I'm lucky that some coach did not lose it with me and shoot me one day afte school. :laugh: Even though I was a PROVEN bad kid, my parents trusted me more than his trust him. They did not think that I was always trying to do something "stupid" or "wrong" each waking moment. I don't get it.

His step-mom says things that...sound right but are way off, in my opinion. She says that he needs to take responsibility for his actions...but then they do the opposite of what I would do to make him take responsibility. They don't MAKE HIM take responsibility. They MAKE HIM do EXACTLY what they say and nothing else. That is not the same thing as making your own decisions and living with the consequenses. It is doing what they say or else. I would DEMAND that he learn how to make and live with his own decisions. He is expected to pretty much guess how his parents would react to situations, and do only that ONE THING in response (they are the "one right way to do everything" and "everything else is wrong" type). 14 year olds don't have enough information experience yet to have such set reactions to things...he needs to learn how to make decisions based on limited information. They should expect and demand that he back-up and explain such decisions, but he should not get into trouble when he guesses "wrong". They should go over why they would decide differently...I'm not explaining this right.

Lucretia: Thanks for dropping by. My heart goes out to you this week with the visa situation. See above about the Bill situation. You hang in there.

Your "life passions" topic is really interesting to me. I've always thought I was a little different than most people, because I'm a little bit interested in everything, and don't have many really strong individual "passions." This is part of why I became a librarian -- I'm a generalist and enjoy exploring whatever topic my customer brings to me... That said, I love the "little things" all around me -- I get all excited when I see interesting animals or birds or plants, go new places or learn new skills. Maybe I'm passionate about learning and exploring whatever comes my way? :) I always admire people who know *exactly* what their passion is.

I hope you get to do something fun with Bill today! It sounds like his family must have some underlying fear behind keeping such a tight leash on him. Does he have any older siblings that might have set some bad example they can't get over? Seems very unusual and I think there must be a story behind it. Good luck!

Lisrey :wave:

I went for a hilly bike ride up into the foothills this morning. Well, the first 14 miles were hills, and the rest was just rolling flat-lands coming back to town and to work. Hard workout, and lots of information on what I need to do this spring to improve my performance for the upcoming bike season.

Ride Details:
Good News: My standing hill-power/endurance is much better than it was at my best last year. I can stand up and crank up a steep hill a lot harder and longer than I did last year. I can also lay down more seated, flat-land speed than I thought that I could (minutely slower than at my best last year). I could almost become fast/decent this year, for a 40+ year dude that never raced before. :super: :mus: Even after the ride, I have more energy than I thought that I would. I may do a much smaller, but more intense hill-ride this afternoon.

Work on it: I'm a LOT weaker on seated climbs that require heavy gear pushing. My legs won't push that hard for that long. It looks like I concentrated a little too much on spinning fast while seated, and only pushing big gears while standing on spin bike this winter. I need to work on being able to slowly mash the pedals up steep hills for 25+ minutes at 60 rpm or less to be able to do a lot of the hills that I plan to ride this year. I can't afford a newer bike or equipment that will give me smaller/easier hill gears, so I'm just going to have to suck-it-up and do some seated grinding this spring. Nasty, sweaty, heart-pounding, plodding grinds from hell. Goody. I need to also be careful not to allow this to build too much thigh muscle. I have a tendency to chunk-up with thigh muscle pretty easily...which makes me even slower...which could be a problem. I may have to come up with a couple hundred dollars for a new set of gears for the rear-end of my bike to prevent that.

Time: 135 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 141 bpm (includes bathroom and cold drink pit-stop at store)
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1887

Lisrey: I'm like you, in that I can become passionate about lots of things. I guess that I like discovering new things the best, but that leaves lots of topics open for discovery, doesn't it? I love science, literature, art, people, etc. I like being "easy to please" that way. I feel lucky. Some people are never "into" or satisfied by anything. It sounds like you share that spirit too, and it is good to hear.

I've been meaning to visit other's journals all weekend, but have been too busy. Bill and I met and did yard work at my house for a few hours, and ate lunch with Debbie. His parents acted like nothing had happened at all. It was strange. Bill and I talked about it, and he was as confused as I was. He is pretty used to this sort of "madness", though, so I'm just going to hang out with him and see what happens.

After I dropped Bill off, Debbie informed me that it was not okay with her for me to spend so much of our Saturday afternoons with him (about 4.5 hours that day). She feels like I'm taking time away from her, and us, because she does not get to see me until dinner time all week (she works late almost every night too), and we don't have much time to do regular-type-stuff together. I would like to meet with Bill earlier in the day on Saturdays, but his mother's schedule has prevented that so far (she works late 2nd shift, and does not allow any noise, etc. until after 11 AM when she wakes up). I need to figure something out there...

Sunday, we went and practiced with that softball team again. We play a real game next week! Man, do we SUCK! Man, do I SUCK. I can't catch. I can't run (pulled a glut running bases :o). I can't hit the ball, because of my old rotator cuff problem. I still want to play, but hope that I don't hurt the team. We barely have enough players to put a team on the field...but I don't want to suck either. Debbie and I are going to practice catching and throwing this week.

I have been meaning to visit other people's journals since late last week, but there is no time. Damn, I'm busy. I'm off to work. Work, work, work. Take care all.

I hear you on the no time to visit other's journals. I am cheating and visiting while at work. Lately sleep has taken priority over my internet time lately.

I have no advice on the Bill situation, I wish I did. My daughter is having friend trouble again, well, actually the next door neighbor girl is having friend trouble, and since it involved my daughter, wellllll. I am trying really really really hard to stay out of it, but the neighbor's mom is making that very difficult. Sorry for the hijack.

Have a great day.

I hadn't been by here in a while, so just thought I would stop in and check on things in your world. I sure hope things calm down for you at work, but at the same time I am sure that you can handle it. Keep up the good work with your riding, as well as not killing the people you work w/. I know how it can be at times.

I only rode my bike for about 25 minutes last night after work. Both of my gluts were acting up, and almost cramping. I hurt all over! Who knew that yard-work and softball practice would wipe me out like that!

Today is a full rest day for me. Come to think of it, I have not had a rest day since last Tuesday from working out. It is about time.

Work is rather calm today. Lots to do, but no big and giant emergencies. Food is good too. I decided to switch-up my food a little bit more again. I was eating too many carbs in the evenings, and getting hungry late at night, so I'm eating more of those carbs earlier in the day, and eating more of my protein than I used to at and after dinner (cocoa powder in my non-fat cottage cheese or yogurt with splenda...yummy). It worked great last night. I was not hungry until I woke up this morning.

RayeViking: It seems like things always get super-busy this time of year. It is normal. Hang in there with your daughter's freind. Take care, Wendy.

stickn2it: I don't know if things will calm down at work anytime soon. I'm getting paranoid about it lately too. Things are not going well at my work, because we did not hire someone to replace out old IT person. I'm not qualified or trained at IT, but somehow it looks more and more like I'm getting blamed for not knowing what I'm doing. Or...being thought of as incompetent, I guess. Maybe it is time to move on. I have been here for over 7 years...maybe it would be better to leave on good terms? Blech.

2 hour spin class!! O MY GOODNESS!! You rock!! And wow to your stats too!! That is wonderful!! Congratulations and keep up the good work!!

Hi Cfj,
I see you are still doing great with your spin class and all. That is so great that you keep up with it!
I feel bad for that kid Bill! He sounds like you has some great parents, yea right. You think they would be happy you are helping. Some people just don't get it! I am just wondering if maybe they are hiding something and they don't want him to tell you. Anyway good luck with that!
Keep up the good work!
....Hugs,Millie

You did calf raises with the WHOLE STACK of weights? You are my hero. I am on the first weight. (I just started a couple of weeks ago.) AND THAT IS AGONY. If I was better at computer graphics, I would superimpose your bearded face on an image of Mighty Mouse (it would have to have a goatee, as Mighty Mouse would be more of a Brooklyn hipster-type).

I have loads of comments about the Bill thing, but really, the only one I feel is worthwhile is that I think that unless they are physically abusing him, there is nothing you can do to alter their parenting of him. All you can do is provide a different sort of role model and hope that is enough. You will make yourself nutso if you psychoanalyze the parent(s) and think how "you" would raise him. You can't put yourself in the family members' shoes and don't know what you would really do with their backgrounds, upbringings, and personal situations. And you can't change it, other than talk to his counselor (I don't know if you are even allowed to do that, or would even want to, from an ethical perspective). So, it is best for you, and for him, b/c he will sense your negative vibe about his home situation, if you can back off from it a bit and focus on what you CAN give him (and give him so well).

Only a bit of advice. And my opinion only.

Hope you are doing well, buddy. Sure have missed ya!

Oh, almost forgot. And you've been talking about "moving on" from your job for awhile now. Why not just put some feelers out and see what is out there? Couldn't hurt.

(and even one no one would like about Debbie's reaction to your time spent with him).
I have to admit, I would probably agree with Chum's comment on that.

I hope work is going well today, have a great day.

Wow, work does sound stressful. Especially when they are blaming you for problems that are not in your field range. That has to be frustrating. You are holding up well, keep up the good work.

I went out on the same ride that I did Monday morning. I ate a little bit more for breakfast, went a little bit slower than last time up the hills, took a 1-2 minute longer restroom break, and feel a lot better as a result. I want to be able to ride again this afternoon. Monday, I did not eat enough breakfast, rode too hard up the hills, and was too wiped out to ride hills again in the afternoon. We'll see how it goes, but I feel great this morning.

Ride Details:
Good News: I did not push it as hard with my seated climbs, and while I was much slower, I did not become worn out either. I will get better at hills if I keep it up! I'm was still pretty fast on the flats too. My hurt shoulder did not bother me much all morning, and my gluts did not hurt at all. Having a day off yesterday was a great idea. My injuries are reparing very quickly compared to the last couple of years.

Work on it: Cold headwinds...ewwww. It was foggy and about 42-45 degrees this morning, which is near the bottom of my comfort zone for wearing shorts and a short-sleeve shirt. I wore shorts and a very light jacket, but maybe I should bring my leg-tights next time. I did better than expected, but when the 1-2 mph wind was in my face after I took the jacket off on the way home...brrr. I was sweating too much for to keep the thin nylon shell on, and the cold-ass wind sucked the energy out of me. My feet got so cold on the way back, that I could barely feel my feet when I got to the office. I have a lot of "suck it up" attitude adjustment to make with outdoor riding. Indoor spin bike riding is boring as hell (lack of scenery or...anything exciting going on), but I really got used to the controlled tempratures and no wind. Such a wuss.

Time: 137 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 139 bpm (includes bathroom and cold drink pit-stop at store)
Distance: 36 miles
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1915

Kayzzee: I loved my spin classes. Not as much as outdoor riding, but they were fun. I already miss the "community" aspect of spin class. Maybe I should ride with groups outside this year? Not just talk about it this time? Duh.

millie47: Bills parents are weird. Well...everybody is weird, right? Even my wife's family, who are like a TV family to me they are so perfect, are...nuts. I don't think that they are hiding anything from me, though. I can tell that nothing really big is going on, other than they want him to never grow up, and to do exactly what they say at all times. They want life to be simple, but it is not. They also have NO IDEA what it is like to be a dude at that age. His mom and his step-mom just don't get..."dudeness" and the social and internal pressures that he is under. They want him to act like a female teenager. Well, it just ain't going to happen. If there EVER is an age where there are giant differences between the sexes, it is the teen years. GIANT differences, I tell you.

chumlette: Yes, I did the whole stack of weights on the calf machine. It is a pretty "light" machine, though (says 300 lbs, but feels like about 240 lbs with a real barbell to me). I don't lift enough to warrant using the "heavy" machine yet, because it is busy and you have to wait in line for it so much, that it is not worth the trouble. I wish that I could say that I lift that much because of how hard that I work out, but it is really just genetic. I've always been able to max-out the weights on all basic gym leg machines except for the leg curls, in 3-4 months of working out "normally". I'm just like that. I'm not fast or coordinated, but my ass, calves, and quads naturally lift heavy stuff faster and with less training than other people. I'm sure that you have something that you get good at faster than most people. Everybody does.

I'm working on the passion thing. The job situation is sort of tied to that. I want to be part of some new things that we will be doing at work, but it looks like I'm pigeon-holed into a pretty narrow slot with the higher-ups. And that slot is not where I want to be. I ended up here because the organization was stuck and needed someont to step in. Now I'm stuck. I'm not going to stay stuck. No way. I'm one of those people that needs to feel good about their jobs. I need to feel challenged, wanted or needed, and...like what we are doing is "doing something good". I'm talking about long-term jobs here. I've had plenty of crappy jobs, and short-term jobs that I stay at because of the pay rate...but everything in my life is better when I have the "right" job. Picky, picky.

You hit it on the head with Bill. I'm trying to take a step back. I can do what I can do, and that is all. I'm not going to "disconnect" from him emotionally or anything, but I'm also not going to wrack my brain for solutions to situations that are nuts and that I can't really do anything about except be there. I'll just be there.

RayeViking: I was pretty surpised that Debbie was jeleous of Bill that way. I mean, she works so much when I'm home and available to do something. If I was not with Bill, I would just be doing other stuff around the house while she worked in her office. That is what she always does. I admit that I AM jeleous of her work sometimes, but that is every damn day. I only see Bill one day a week. Gah.

Busy day planned for work today. I need to get off early too. I will be putting extra hours in tomorrow night through Sunday night, and I want to go to a going-away party for mine and Bill's case worker early this afternoon as well. She is joining the Peace Corps, and is heading out to Armenia next month. I hope that our new case worker is as nice.

I'm off to reformat another field laptop computer, and do some database work. Later.

30 more minutes on the bike this afternoon. Good ride.

stickn2it: We cross-posted! Yep, work is getting to be...tiresome. It does not help that I'm not a people person, either. I just speak a different language than some people at my work, or something.

I made it to the part, and said goodbye to our case-worker. Group therapy was very moving, and also very depressing tonight. Some people make me feel like an emotional gushing, type. They hold everything in to the point to where it hurts them. Blech.

I'm off to play online games with Debbie and Dan. Night all.

I we did cross post. Anyway the week is winding down, so I hope it slows down for you. I am actually doing my last day today. I love being off on Fridays because I, too, speak a different language than the majority of my co-workers. I probably really get along w/ two of them and that's about it. Other than hi and bye that's pretty much it for conversation, and it doesn't help that I have absolutely nothing in common w/ them, so it kinda leaves room for us to talk about nothing, which is slowly becoming more and more okay w/ me. I just want to come in, do my 10 hours, and go home. Well, I am off. Have a good day.

How do you know they hold it in if they are holding it in? You ARE an emotional gusher. And that is what we like most about you. OK, one of the things.

Very cool the social worker is going to the Peace Corps. That is a big commitment. Really neat. She can send you awesome Armenian recipes (their food is great).
Though I hope you get another one that is just as good as her. Sounds like she did a good job for you and Bill.

I was lifting weights today and felt like a little weakling, thinking of you. hahaha Maybe you should become a personal trainer. Get celebrity clients, like me if I ever publish a book.

I think you are a cool guy. I hope you find a niche for yourself. Do you have to stay where you are now, location-wise? Maybe you can hook up with an anti-global warming outfit. Just brainstorming.

I actually almost wrenched my back again today watching a white little butterfly float by. It was a beautiful thing.

Well- I went MIA, it's gonna take me a couple of days to catch up with everyone's lives; but just wanted to say "hello". Hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Hope the weather is nice and you've been getting in some biking time. It's good to be back.

I rode the same route again. I may make it my "standard base ride" for the next few weeks. It is already getting easier. Next week, I will use the same route, but lay off a little on the hills, and work harder on speed intervals on the flatter areas.

Ride Details:
Good News: After that innitial hill up the dam road behind the stadium, I felt great. I'm getting stronger on this ride. There was no wind today, so my speed was WAY better on the flat areas as well. I'm charging up the hills better and better. Well...my charge is sort of a standing, slow, grunt, but I'm not just sitting there plodding. I can keep my uphill speed around 7-9mph on all but the steepest sections of continous up-hill grades of that take me longer than say 7 or more minutes.

Work on it: It is time to stop being a macho idiot, and wear my god damned, full-leg tights when it is below 45 degrees. Even with the jacket, thick gloves, and stocking cap under my helmet, I had bright-red and cold ass legs this morning. I could not feel my big toes by the time that I got to work. Brrrrrrr. Stupid. I have the gear. Use it.

Time: 131 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 142 bpm (includes pit-stop at park)
Distance: 36 miles
Calories Burned (fitday.com): 1887

stickn2it: I know exactly what you are talking about with having nothing in common with people at work. I think that I want to work somewhere that I actually fit in, and have a voice. Not just be needed and sort of condescended to sometimes. Blech.

chumlette: How do I know that they are keeping it all in in group therapy? Because when they want to say something, it takes 3 weeks of emotional preamble for them to even "go there" in their own freaking heads...to even look at the problem from inside their own skulls. They are so controlling of themselves, that they don't even know what they are feeling in the moment at all anymore. Ever. Weirdness.

I'm looking into the job situation. More later on that. I gotta go. Super, super, super busy and crazy around here.

FSUgirl: Good to see you back. I was wondering how you were doing lately. I will check your journal in a bit. If I get a moment today...

Work is f#cking nuts. I'm going to be here a lot this weekend. More later on that. Lots going on with my food and work, etc. BIG stuff too.

Hmmmmmm, you are certainly making me anxious to read that update. I hope you get some time soon to post it.

Have a great day,

Work is going completely insane. I have this big data dump to do this weekend for our in-house field biologists, and the "bosses" added a new databse report product for me to create from scratch and test-out on top of the regular product. Everything is going fine, considering, but it took me about 12 hours to get a decent draft out, and I'm just that many more hours behind on the rest of my work that is due out by Monday at lunch. That is when all of the jeeps leave the campus with all of the field biologists, and I have to have the data in their grubby little paws, and on their crappy old laptop computers by then. Blech.

I reacted poorly last night to the extra pressure. I went into a full-blown emotional food binge after dinner last night. I was so hungry, and so upset...I could not stop eating! It scared the hell out of me. I ate about 1200 extra calories JUST AFTER DINNER LAST NIGHT. Jesus. What a melt-down. I need to find a way to be able to handle stress better. Especially on days where I have to sit in one place, in front of a computer for 12 hours or more, with a giant deadline, and constant interruptions for other "emergencies". I just suck at multi-tasking when I do computer coding stuff...and lots of re-directions from my "goal" make me "lose it".

We had a big all-staff meeting today, where the lead botanist at our organization told us that his wife got a professor job in another state, and he was leaving in 2 weeks. I really like Dave. He is so...nice. Even though we don't interact that much, because he is always in the field or on the go, I'll miss him a lot. There are not that many people that are that combination of professional, smart, and ... just plain old nice walking around.

Right after Dave made his announcement, and at the same meeting, the Director of the entire damn organization put in her notice too. She wants to step down to her former role here, and let someone else take the riegns for a while. I don't blame her. It is a very political job, and us biology types usually don't thrive at jobs where you have to shake hands with city, county, state, and federal politicians and regulation/agency people EVERY DAY FOR HOURS. She has done a great job, and brought in lots of money to the program. Damn. Things could get bad around here very quickly with her stepping down.

I'm off to play with my damn data dump again. Can I throw the server down the stairs if it skips a record, or otherwise does not work right this time? Please? Can I?

Wow. You have had a crazy, crazy, CRAZY few weeks there. Don't beat yourself up over the food binge. Of course it wasn't ideal, but you realize now that it wasn't the right reaction, rather than doing it again, and again, and so on. I think that's the important part there.

I hear you on the job thing, with people leaving. You may have seen in my journal that hubby got a new job and only has a couple of weeks left with this one. Anyways, someone else just turned in notice, too, and things have been crazy there. Every night, he comes home and crabs about how bad things are, now that they know he's leaving. Lots of guilt trips. I know he leaves them in a tough spot by leaving, but come on. Anyways... didn't mean to hijack! All I really meant to say was that perhaps these are all signs that you should look into leaving yourself, moving on to something that is a little less stressful. Life is too short to have a job that makes you batty all the time.

Man, Fagan. There is LOTS and LOTS going on over here! What are you thinking about the work situation? Do you think that everyone flying the coop will put you in a position to hire in an IT person and perhaps change your role around to suit you, or is everyone going down with the ship? That type of stuff can be really stressful, and just king of weigh on your mind. It's a lot to deal with, so cut yourself some slack okay?

I hope you get lots of quality time with Debbie this weekend, and maybe some game time with Dan? You need some chill time dude! Hope the weather holds out for a great outdoor ride.

WOW.

I mean, WOW.

No wonder you had a meltdown.

But.

But.

Did you binge make you feel better? Seems to me that eating a 1/2 pint of B&J can make you feel better, but two pints doesn't.

Maybe if you must binge, do it on watermelon or air popped popcorn, something less damaging to the body.

Regardless, I want you to try to listen to Doc and "cut yourself some slack." You are entitled to one or two bad days in a couple of years. Just don't let it be a habit.

Yikes, your work situation sounds rough. I think there are so many staffing cuts everywhere, there is just NO slack anymore for people to get sick, go on vacation, retire, or leave. As soon as there is a hole to fill, it gets tough for the rest of the employees -- because they really didn't have enough staff in the first place. That's pretty much what I'm used to, too. Ahhhh.... government/non-profit life... :caf:

As far as the eating -- stress is gonna bring on those sort of episodes now and then. We've just got to get past them when they happen. I am glad I'm not alone in the "right after dinner" club. On my plan I eat a pretty light dinner (this is when I eat on my own). My brain just doesn't always know when to stop. I'll be washing my dinner dishes and thinking about what else I might eat. It's crazy. I'm NOT hungry, but I want to munch... I fall prey to this more often than I care to admit.

You are doing great with your riding. I knew all the spinning would earn a big payoff for you once you got back on the road! Keep on pedaling!!

Lisrey :D

I'm just having one of those roller coaster weeks. I was very late getting home from work, due to a data dump problem, and when I called to set up my appointment to meet Bill tomorrow, I got horrible news.

The stupid idiot pulled out a knife to show some kids at school that he had it, brandished it around in swooping arcs, etc. IN FRONT OF A SCHOOL SURVEILANCE CAMERA. After the Columbine shootings years ago, which happened about 1.5 hours south of here, they are "funny" about weapons in school here in Colorado. So...now Bill has been expelled from school until at least after Christmas 2007, and is charged with two felony weapon/endangerment charges that he has to go to court for this week. God damnit, god damnit, god damnit.

I'm going to go to court to see him at the trial, to show my support for/to him. Or...yell at him. I guess which one that I do first will depend on how he is feeling when I see him. If he were my kid...I'm afraid that I may have resulted to tactics that my parents used, which is why I decided not to have kids. You can't beat the hell out of your kids these days...but maybe he needs to have the hell scared out of him in a way that police and "trouble" have not been able to so far. I can't believe that I'm thinking this way, but there you have it. The violent thoughts don't go away, just because I think that violence is wrong and does not work. Blech. I don't like thinking stuff like that, but...I would NEVER have done something that blatantly stupid. Not because I'm smarter, but because I knew that if either of my parents found out about it, even without the school or police knowing, there would be a pretty good chance that I would have an "accident" that would have required a hospital visit. I don't know which was scarier. My mom's extravigantly loud and violent attacks where ANYTHING could happen (dodging furniture and dishes, blind-side punches/kicks, or just screaming); or my dad's slow, methodical, stone-faced, belt-beatings that left you bloody all over while he calmly and quietly lectured you about what you did wrong. It makes me shivver to think about it.

I still also believe that a lot of Bill's situation is due to him not being stimulated enough. They do not expect enough of him, make/let him do enough physical things outside of school and home, etc. Kids like Bill need to be...utilized and shown the "whys" for all of the rules that society demands of everyone. Just saying "because I said so" does not cut it with some kids. They will probably try some sort of "lock down" punishment. I think that will make things worse with his behavior.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

teacher81: Yeah...having a job that makes me lose sleep is getting old. Something has to give. I don't know what yet, but things are not going to continue the same way forever. 3-6 months before I blow a gasget, maybe?

Lucretia: I'm actually formulating a plan for work...I'm going to do the training at home, and take the tests to get my IT certification. I don't think that they will be able to hire someone that will stay around very long within the pay range that we can afford, and having the certification will allow me to move on to another place if things continue to sour. I'm already doing the job...so why not learn how to do it "right" so that I can make more money here or somewhere else? It would not be that bad if I really knew what I was doing. You know?

I'm cutting myself plenty of slack too. I'm putting in extra time this weekend, but taking days off later this week too. I have about 3.5 days extra time put in since the beginning