Char's Journal Phase II [Archive]

CharH

04-25-07, 10:36 AM

Hi Girls...

Funny how the days just slip away if you don't post here every day! I have not recorded my calories since Thursday. Yet another reason for the absence. It's much easier to let the days slip away then to hold myself accountable for the disaster I'm creating. Summer will be here soon and it will be another one where I struggle to find something to cover my large self.

This new journal was supposed to be a new beginning. Why do I continue to sabotage myself. Am I happy being fat? NO! Food is oh so comforting and yet it is the root of such evil when used inappropriately as I have done. That's what I do I use food as others would use drugs or alcohol. What I really don't understand is why. I guess the key would be to stop asking the questions and just take action. Not every question has an answer I suppose.

As usual I'm not prepared today with anything healthy to eat for breakfast or lunch so breakfast is coffee and lunch will be a sandwich from a local place that delivers lunches. This is all because???? I'm lazy...yes lazy. Prepare? Me? Please...

Maybe I not meant to be thin or healty or whatever. I obviously don't want this bad enough or I would do something about it. Losing weight can't be a part-time thing. It has to be an EVERY DAY for the rest of your life thing. You can't eat healthy one day and eat crappy the rest of the 6 days of the week.

I have some decisions to make. Either I want to do this or I don't. It's that simple. Do I care enough about myself to do this?

rac284

04-25-07, 12:09 PM

Maybe you do want this bad enough, but you're just not ready yet.

I feel like that's how it is with me. I want to lose weight, but I feel like I'm not ready to devote what needs to be devoted to get to where I want to go. So, for now, just try to make little changes.

jayjay55

04-25-07, 12:17 PM

Good question Char!!! I know I went for years (and ballooned up to 280 pounds) ignoring everything I knew about eating and exercising correctly. The reason -- because no one told me I "HAD" to lose weight. I wasn't borderline diabetic, my high blood pressure was under control with medications etc etc. I convinced myself if I am going to eat cheese it was all or nothing -- same with butter -- sour cream -- etc etc. The thing is I found out one day that I am not going to die because I was overweight -- but darn it all I was going to be miserable. The pain in my knees was getting worse with every pound I put on. Not eating properly created other problems with my system and I am paying the price for that right now.

So ask yourself the question Char -- but be prepared for the answer that will come to you a few years from now. Trust me - being in your 40's is a whole other life than it is being 50 and I know from experience. As I said to the girl that registered me in bootcamp yesterday I only wish I had paid more attention when I was in my 40's. She told me the average age for the participants was 30 - 45. I am 6 years older than the high norm. But best to do it now and enjoy my retirement with my sweetie.

Ok off my soapbox -- you know I love you and I want you happy -- trust me stuffing your face with a deli sandwich isn't happiness. I don't think I could even eat one today -- that's not bragging its reality. Being aware of what I have been eating for almost a year now has made me want less and even better I have lost my desire for greasy burgers, nachos, and other stuff that made up most of my diet.

Consider yourself lambasted!!!!! :laugh:

CharH

05-03-07, 12:07 PM

Hi Girls...just checking. Still meandoring (is that a word???) me an dor ing :o Heading off to read journals and soak up some inspiration!

sassbox

05-03-07, 10:55 PM

Hi Char! Hope you found some inspiration!

CharH

05-08-07, 02:39 PM

Not giving up hope...

CharH

05-15-07, 05:10 PM

:)

I'm at a loss for words.

jayjay55

05-16-07, 11:47 AM

:hug:

CharH

05-17-07, 09:27 AM

I did it!!! I did it, I did it, I did it!!! I managed to pull off one good day that even included exercise!!! :) My calories yesterday were 1363, I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I did upper body exercises using 3lb weights for 15 minutes!! I'm still fat but feeling fabulous that I was able to do it!! I'm sore but in a good way and incredibly my stomach (although still quite large :o ) does not have that bloated yucky feeling!! Oh my was that TMI??? :laugh:

I actually ate and apple and an orange yesterday. Joanne was standing by with a portable difibulator just in case my body went into shock!! :laugh:

Thanks for the hug Joanne, and thanks for sticking with me no matter what!

On to day 2...:cheer:

monicapink

05-17-07, 11:21 AM

Dear Char,

All it takes is THAT ONE HUGE STEP FORWARD ... and you did it; so here's :cheers: to all those other STEPS FORWARD. Proud of you for MOVING FORWARD. I am as always, Monica

jayjay55

05-17-07, 11:56 AM

Ahhh my dear friend you did survive not only eating well --- YOU EXERCISED!!!!

Here's to Day 2!!!!

CharH

05-24-07, 10:41 PM

Grrrrrrr...I'm so angry. I can't help it I just feel better writing it down here. I don't expect anyone to come to my rescue and I'm not looking for sympathy - I just need to get this out!!!!!! I'm the only one who can rescue me. I went shopping to find something to wear to a wedding I'm attending next Saturday. I am so friggin mad and disgusted I came home and cried. I cannot believe what I've done to myself. I am a disgusting fat pig. I absolutely hate myself and I don't know how the heck I can just keep going on like this. What is wrong with me? I'm absolutely gross. There isn't an outfit in the world that would look flattering on me. Who am I trying to fool??? My mother, bless her heart, was with me she told me "you don't look as big as you think you do" "and you're so pretty" LOL God I love that woman! But she's my mother...LOL what's she going to say? Although she's not one to mince words and usually tells it like it is I'm sure the look on my face as she was watching me grimace in disgust in the three way mirror prompted her to try and take away the pain I was feeling. I'm sure her heart breaks to see me so overweight. She didn't raise us to be fat slobs. I said Mom...I'm 5'4" tall and I weigh 205 pounds, I know how I look!

I cannot AGAIN remember my fitday.com login name. How can you forget your login name twice? I'm sabotaging myself on a daily basis. Why??? I stuff my face everyday and promise to make tomorrow different. Then tomorrow comes and the cycle starts all over again.

DT is my home base. I've gone to other diet sites and posted a few times but I always end up back here. I'm comfortable here. But still in the same place I was 9 months ago. Whining about wanting to change but not making the effort to do it. How many ah ha moments do I need to have? How many ah ha moments do you get? I wish I had the money to get my friggin jaw wired shut!!

Why don't I follow the example of the people I admire here like JayJay and Monica? Those two ladies have bent over backwards trying to help me, motivate me, teach me, comfort me, kick me in the butt at times (gently) and still I choose to shove food in my mouth!!! WHY????? I WANT TO KNOW WHY????? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF???? Its simple...count calories and exercise...it's not rocket science!!! If you put it in your mouth it has calories and it counts, if you don't exercise you're lumpy, bumpy and unhealthy. I don't even have curves anymore I'm just FAT!! My waist is almost the same size as my hips and my bust! I look like a line backer from behind, my shoulders are fat, my back is fat and my butt is huge. My stomach is huge my legs are jiggly, my arms are jiggly and fat. My boobs are gross and disgusting. I AM DISGUSTING!!!!!!

I'm 5'4" tall - I should weigh like 135 pounds!!!!!!

What is so wrong in my life that my only comfort and joy is food??? I have a wonderful family (okay I fight with my sisters - but that's normal isn't it???) we all love each other. We spend time together. I have a job, I own my own home, I have a car, I have beautiful little kitties that I love to pieces. I have a husband who is on the couch snoring right now and if I have to tell him one more time to roll over I'm just going to SLAP HIM OFF THE COUCH!!! Okay...I went off topic there. My husband is a good guy. He's not abusive. He loves me. SO WHAT IS MY FRIGGIN PROBLEM??????? I have no reason to be medicating with FOOD!!!!

Okay I'm going to slap him of the couch!!! BRB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay that's done!

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:c(:c(:c(:c(:c(:c(:c( I want to think normal. Why can't exercise be my obsession instead of food???? Oh God how will I ever get this weight off? It seems impossible at this very moment. I lost almost 30 lbs and gained back 20 with all the screwing around I've done. I'm lazy!!! Just friggin lazy!!!!

I smoke and I'm obese...that's a death sentence!!! Don't I care??? I'm so ashamed...I just want to run away from myself - but guess what I can't...I can barely walk let alone run.

I can remember when I was younger looking at my Aunts and thinking I don't ever want to be that fat. Why are they so fat? Well guess what...I'm fatter than them now.

monicapink

05-25-07, 09:22 AM

Dear Char,

I read your post and I'm going to say it again ... and again ... and again ... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU START ... no one is counting ..

TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME ... choose one aspect of your plan and WORK IT :mus: CONSISTENTLY for a week or two .. then add the next aspect and gradually work on all three aspects ...

DON'T BEAT :whip: YOURSELF UP ... imho that's only adding PROBLEMS and CREATING ROADBLOCKS to your success ...

This journey we're on TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE ... it's not a quick fix to A PROBLEM ... we all fall (notice I used the word FALL and not FAIL) what's important is that WE GET BACK UP ... so my dear young friend PICK YOURSELF UP ... DUST YOURSELF OFF (lol I think there's a song that has those same words) AND START ALL OVER AGAIN (yep lol I remember that song) ..

You know what I think that JUNE 1ST would be the perfect day to restart your journey to success ... that gives you (counting down from today ) a week and a day TO MAP OUT A PLAN THAT YOU CAN LIVE WITH ... if you want my input let me know .. we'll communicate via pm .. or chat (if you can get in) -- BUT I KNOW YOU CAN AND WILL SUCCEED. Love you lots, :hug: I am as always, Monica

jayjay55

05-25-07, 11:49 AM

:hug: That's all darling friend!!!!

CharH

05-26-07, 12:56 AM

Hi Monica and Joanne!! :wave: I can always count on both of you to help me find my way. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. You both have been successful in your journey and the one thing that you both keep reminding me of is "one day at a time"! You both keep saying it but I wasn't hearing it or I wasn't listening. Well I hear both of you loud and clear now. That's the ONLY way to do!!!

I did something tonight that I've been meaning to do for a while now. I went back to my old journal - back to the beginning. After reading through several pages I found myself smiling. This woman was so enthusiastic and had made up her mind to lose weight and get healthy. Oh she went on her little rants every now and then but for the most part was dedicated to counting calories and exercising. She rec'd so much support and enjoyed giving support. I became so engrossed in what I was reading and then believe it or not it hit me...that woman was ME!! I came to a post I had made on a weigh in day and I had gotten down to 196 pounds! You would have thought that I one a million dollars! :laugh:

Monica you're absolutely right It doesn't matter how many times I start again. The important thing is that I do start again. I planned my meals at that time, I grocery shopped to make sure I had the things I needed. I wasn't cooking fancy meals I was just eating normal food - just less of it. When I had a bad day I wrote about it and then moved on. One thing seemed pretty clear to me though I was committed to my weight loss and I was committed to DT. They obviously for me go hand in hand.

I can't address this problem if I don't take responsibility for it. So I think I'll take your advice Monica and give myself a start date of June 1, 2007 to begin again. I will sign up for a new fitday account and write down the friggin username and password so there will be no excuse not to be able to enter calories. I'll have to start over entering all my previous entered foods but that's okay I have to do it.

I know more than I did a year ago and that will help with food choices. My calories last year were a bit low. Again...all about the planning.

Joanne - I'm going to take your advice too. It's time for it to be about ME!

Here I go...:cheers:

CharH

06-04-07, 10:17 PM

OH MY...what was I thinking? My journal is dusty!:o

CharH

06-13-07, 10:19 AM

I'm still here journal - not abandoning you - just don't know where I'm headed yet.

jayjay55

06-13-07, 11:45 AM

:cruise: ing by to see how you are doing.

CharH

06-24-07, 12:40 AM

I have this deep feeling of sadness and anger that I just can't seem to shake today. The farther I get away from my goal weight and the closer I get to my start weight the sadder and angrier I get.

I went to lunch with 2 close friends and ended up having a disagreement with one of them over HER cheating, lying, abusive, alcoholic 50 year old boyfriend on the verge of going jail for DWI (he's not a boy and he's no friend). He's a physically grown mental midget and a complete loser. I don't understand how a woman of her age could be so friggin stupid. We're not in our 20's anymore. We've all had bad relationships, been devastated, learned and moved on but she's made a career out of being abused. I don't think she would be happy in a normal relationship - she wouldn't know what to do. She's more comfortable playing the victim because that's all she knows and REFUSES to take any responsibility in taking control of her life, she has a list of excuses a mile long as to why she is the way she is and why she can't change things. Anyway It was upsetting and I was more furious at how I acted more than I was at how she was acting. This woman is like a sister to me but It's her life. She has had 3 major relationships in her life with men and they have all been disasters. She goes from bad to worse every time. I've always been there to help pick up the pieces but this time I'm really baffled and I don't have anything else to give her emotionally on the subject. I have helped her in recent months move heavy boxes and junk (friggin pack rat) of HIS out of HER house and into the garage supposedly for him to come and pick up because he was living with another woman...only to find out she's taken him back and he's still seeing the other woman. I knew she had taken him back (AGAIN) and that's her decision but she moans and groans and whines I tried to be kind and gentle and make some suggestions. I listened for awhile and then I just went off on her. This has been going on for years so I don't know why today was the day I just flipped on her. Our other friend finally just said to me STOP...just stop right now before this goes any further, she's not hearing what you're saying. I regained my composure and stopped. But, how many times can we listen to the poor me story before enough is enough??? If you want to live with a man who is seeing someone else..be my guest but deal with it then. It's not the 1st time he's done this to her. We didn't leave on bad terms but I did call her this evening and apologize. I told her I let my emotions get in the way of my common sense and I had no right to lash out at her but it breaks my heart to see her this way and I as always was just trying to get her to see it's not her it's HIM. She said she wasn't angry with me and totally understood why I said what I said...and told me the things I said were true but she just can't face it. She's 53 years old? When would be a good time to face it???

Which leads me to this journal and my own issues with refusing to take responsibility for my own life my own problems and especially my weight problem which affects everything I do and how I feel all the time. Funny how I could sit and give someone else advice when I can't even control something as simple as what I put in my mouth. Maybe I was just projecting my anger at myself and using her for an outlet. Because like I said she's been playing the same victim role for years and I've always been there for her so I don't know what caused me to go off on her today. That sounds a little deep but who knows. How many times can I come here and whine and complain and not take action to make any changes??? This is the reason I don't post in my journal on a regular basis. Even though two very dear friends here both have told me posting in this journal is the key to getting back on track. Facing the truth about what I am doing is the only way I'm ever going to get back on track. Now I'm playing the victim when I know for a fact that I have the power to do what needs to be done to get this weight off and take charge of my body and my life.

Did I mention my boss is a jerk too? LOL I'm soooooooooo bored with my job I want to jump out the window next to my desk, except I can't because it doesn't open and I'm on the 1st floor. LOL Wages remain the same year after year and prices of everything else go up. The people at the top get snottier and richer and I get more and more frustrated. I think my weight is an issue here also. I don't have the confidence to go out there and find another job. Just one more reason that this weight loss is a MUST for me not a maybe. I don't even have the confidence to be honest with my current employer and say I'm bored, I need more responsibility and want more money all because I feel I'm not worthy of it because I'm FAT! That's sad and unacceptable. I work in a men driven field and women aren't taken seriously and fat women don't exist.

I'm in complete turmoil this weekend...but maybe that's a good thing. I'm fat, I'm bored with my life and I hate my job. Well aren't I just a peach this evening? Usually when people get frustrated enough about a situation they take action to change it because it just becomes too painful not to.

Then I sat in horror watching the news conferences about the young lady in Ohio, ready to give birth who had been found dead. I know one of the moderators had posted the young lady was a friend of her daughters. It made me cry. What a cold cruel world we live in. I tried to drag myself away from the TV but found myself just sitting staring thinking, how much pain her family must be in and how frightened she must have been. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends. It makes this entire journal entry seem trivial in light of what these people are going through.

I'll close for now...

monicapink

06-24-07, 10:36 AM

Dear Char,

My dear young friend I TRULY BELIEVE IN YOU ... AND I THINK YOU HAVE FINALLY WOKE UP ..

Each one of us imho NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL to get real in our lives; you know that old expression "YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK " -- that expression applies to EVERY HUMAN BEING ...

Fear is a terrible thing and yet we ALL allow fear to RULE US .. your friend is afraid to be lonely and thus imo ACCEPTS THIS low-life AS HER ONLY SOURCE OF HAPPINESS ..

If you aren't happy with your life (and believe me when I say there are many times I'm very UNHAPPY in my life) YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ... our time on earth ISN'T A PRACTICE RUN -- we don't have second chances (no that's wrong to say) -- WE CAN CREATE SECOND, THIRD or AS MANY CHANCES AS WE TAKE ..

You know here at Diettalk I have found THAT I CAN BE MYSELF ... I don't have to keep my mouth shut (which I do quite a lot because of others) ... I don't know if you've ever noticed that I sign off "I AM AS ALWAYS," ... that's my way of saying I'M ME ... but my friend now that you've had a WAKE UP :coach: call ... WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? ..

It's time to get off the pot .. come on now TAKE THAT LITTLE STEP -- choose ONE THING and STAY WITH IT for ONE WEEK ... whatever your choice is AND POST one word (lol or two or three) in your Journal ... NO ONE HERE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU OR THINK BAD OF YOU -- so Char, STOP :whip: BEATING YOURSELF UP ... START BELIEVING IN YOURSELF ... and know that YOU'RE LOVED BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU. I'm here for you whenever ... AND I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE. I am as always, Monica :hug:

CharH

06-24-07, 10:33 PM

Thanks Monica - you mean the world to me!! I took notice from the very beginning that you always close with "I am always" and knew you meant you had to be you and you could be yourself here. I totally agree with you too it is time to get off the pot. I too can be myself at DT and I forget that until I have that ah moment and I realize I can spill all the toxins here let them go and begin again or share something wonderful and feel good about it. There are no rules here. This is my journal. It's for me, it's about me. I'm not a ME person...but here I can truly be ME!!

Both you and Joanne have stuck with me through this past year of my ups and downs and I am so very grateful to have both of you as my mentors.

My goal for the this week will be to begin drinking my water again. It's where I started and it's where I will begin again. It's not difficult, it's necessary and I have to drink anyway so there is no reason I can think of not to do it. I want to do it. I'll be hydrated, have more energy and it will be something I can do easily to start myself in the right direction again. Every journey starts with a single step. Water is my first step. I also MUST post in my journal daily, good, bad or wonderful. It keeps me honest, it keeps me in tune with what I'm really doing. Another thing both Monica and Joanne have been telling me to do for a very long time. :o

So I've set 2 small simple goals this week - DRINKING WATER AND POSTING IN MY JOURNAL there is absolutely no reason in the world I can't accomplish BOTH OF THOSE GOALS FOR ONE WEEK. :D

I also made an effort to straighten up some things in my home today that had been bugging me. LOL Nothing major just some little things that made me feel like I accomplished something today.

monicapink

06-25-07, 11:17 AM

Good Morning Char,

I wanted you to know HOW PROUD OF YOU I AM .. just keep reminding yourself THAT THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN AND WILL ACCOMPLISH ... well lol speaking of getting off the pot I'd better get going I'm off to get my foot xrayed ... not that I'm looking forward to someone TWISTING and TURNING my foot to make sure they get an accurate picture (I've been thru this before with the very same foot). Have and make it a great day. I am as always, Monica

cfj

06-25-07, 02:00 PM

I thought that I would do more than lurk today. Lots of deep stuff going on here. As usual, I totally applaud everything that Monica said. Excellent advice from a wonderful person. I also have a lot of empathy for what you are going through, with respect to self-discovery.

I know that everyone has different issues, but one of the biggest issues that I have had is being too afraid to face...myself. One of the self-destructive ways that I dealt with not facing what I really am, and how I really feel about things, was to eat too much to control these strong emotions that I did not want to even admit that I experienced. I don't know what I thought that living through these emotions would do to me if I experience them. I think that I thought that if I let myself feel my emotions, that it would "make me" flip-flop between unnacceptable and overly bmotional states (I would be too agressive, meek, sad, happy, etc.). Well...it didn't and does not happen.

Learning how to deal with what I AM RIGHT NOW has been one of the biggest tools of success for me losing weight and keeping it off so far. Journaling what I feel and such helps me stay on track too. It is so, so easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior and denial. When I journal what is going on, though, the BS flag stares me right in the face. Accountability. I'm not talking about blame or self-punsihment.
Accountability to me includes seing the good things that I feel and do. Looking at what works to make me happier and...handle things better.

Anyway...I wish you well on your new focus. Don't forget to journal the good stuff too. It is just as important as the things that make you uncomfortable. Hang in there!

CharH

06-25-07, 11:49 PM

Hi Cfj:
Thank you kindly for stopping by and taking the time to write. I'm always grateful for any words of wisdom. Thank you for your sincere wishes for my success and I wish continued success to you. I probably should be writing this in your journal...LOL. Thanks again! :D

Hi Monica: :wave:

Well I promised myself I would drink my water today and post in my journal and I've kept my promise to myself. I drank 40 oz of plain water, 16 oz of crystal light and 2 cups of coffee. I had no trouble drinking the water as silly as that sounds. I mean it's only water! The only issue I had was running to the ladies room but what the heck it's just extra calories burned.

I would say today was a success. I went a little overboard with eating at dinner - steak, potatoes, salad, mushrooms and onions (on the steak). The rest of the day was not so bad though and tomorrow will be better. :)

monicapink

06-26-07, 09:33 AM

Good Morning Char, :wn

HURRAY FOR YESTERDAY :cheer:

and here's a :cheer: FOR TODAY ... because that's what this journey is all about ... TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME .. ONE STEP AT A TIME .. ONE MEAL AT A TIME .. and SUCCESS ..

Have and make it a great day. I am as always, Monica

jayjay55

06-26-07, 11:38 AM

Hi Char -- you may not have had the AHA moment yet but you get it -- you really get it!!! You know it will fall into place. We have the knowledge -- we have the tools - we just need the desire to make this work. I had my tiny stumble last week but doing my best to get back on my correct lifestyle and for more reasons than just weight loss.

Love ya!!!!!!!!!

CharH

06-26-07, 11:02 PM

Hi Jay and Monica: :wave: Thanks for the support. I can always count on you two! :D

I did what I've been dreading...I weighed myself this evening. I'm currently at 210 lbs. For some odd reason it provided me with more encouragement than disappointment. I expected to be horrified (I knew it would be bad) but I just stepped off the scale and said okay get down to the journal, post it, accept it and now move forward to do something about it. Enough time has passed, enough days have been wasted thinking about it. I did it before I can do it again. So I'm off to adjust my stats to reflect the truth. I don't want to be fat anymore. I just don't. Every right choice I make will help me reach my ultimate goal and this is about me and for me (I have to keep reminding myself..LOL). I have trouble being selfish. Me, Me, Me...:laugh:

See you tomorrow! :D

jayjay55

06-27-07, 01:14 AM

HI Sweetie -- well maybe this is the ticket. All I can say is it sounds like history repeating itself only you are the star not me. When I first met my sweetie I had just gone from 275 pounds to 230 pounds -- as you know less than year after he moved in I was back up to 264 pounds (my starting weight at DT). Gee see how I was just 11 pounds less than my heaviest (sound familiar). At that time I did much like you did -- said to hell with what the scale said -- glad I had my starting weight and just dug in. I am now back to my 230 and wanting to head lower. I feel good about where I am right now -- I am comfortable with this lifestyle and don't feel deprived. As we have discussed my only problem is when I travel -- especially to the US -- I am unable to deal with the portions - I know my problem and I have to figure it out. Main thing is that since I joined DT two fabulous things have happened -- I met you and I got rid of those 30 pounds I had regained. I know you will do it too!!!!!

SPEDTeacher

06-27-07, 01:48 AM

Char, I read through your new journal and was amazed at how similar you and I are, or we were. I was at a dead end job for a company that had about 60 employees and only 3 women. I was the IT person, 1 secretary and 1 engineer. I was, and am, the overweight woman who was invisible unless a computer went down or something needed to be typed (the guys treated me like a secretary as well). Although I made good money, I did not get a raise for 3 years. My duties continued to expand as the company did (more offices to keep computers up in). That was my work situation. Does it sound familiar?

I also smoked as well as being overweight. I determined that as long as I smoked I would not be able to lose weight and keep it off. It was a continuous cycle of losing weight, then quitting smoking, then gaining weight, then starting to smoke again. anyway, you get the picture. I used the American Lung Associations quit smoking program to quit. It is similar to this as far as it being a community of people on message boards with one goal in common. In that case it was to quit smoking. Here is the link if you want to check it out https://www.kintera.org/site/apps/kb/home/login.asp?kntaw1360=BFE0A629AE9846B295847541B1F19E1F&c=dvLUK9O0E&b=38973&membershipreq=83912&targetURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Elungusa%2Eorg%2Fsite%2Fpp%2Easp%3Fc%3DdvLUK9O0E%26b%3D22933 It is a good program. It has modules that help to prepare you for each step of quiting. I have not smoked in 2 1/2 years and now am focusing on my weight.

As far as my job goes, I quit my job, went back to graduate school, and am now a special education teacher. :) My old boss can get another fat girl to work without a raise for years while maintaining a computer system that he refuses to give enough money for upgrades. Last I heard, he hired one guy to keep the computers up, contracted out the website, and has not hired anyone to do the contracted database design and administration work that I did. I am so much happier now. I just need to get this darn weight off. :)

Good luck with your weight lose. I know you can do it!

Sheri

CharH

06-27-07, 11:42 PM

Hi J - :wave: Yeah we definitely have issues with portions here in the US thus the obesity problem. Everything has to be supersized! But you did really well on vacation and I admire that. I hope to be in the same place as you are mentally about food sometime in the near future.

Hi Sheri - :wave: Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's always inspirational to hear success stories. Congratulations on getting your degree and the work you do is wonderful. It takes a special person to be a Special Education teacher. Good luck with your weight loss journey. I'm sure I'll see you around the boards.

Okay...I did drink 40 oz of water today and had lots of crystal light, not really sure how much. :up:

jayjay55

06-28-07, 11:40 AM

Are you eating the Crystal Lite? Last time I checked (unless "they" have changed the rules) drinking Crystal Lite counts as water -- so my bet is your water intake was higher than just 40 oz.

One baby step at a time my friend.

CharH

06-28-07, 03:15 PM

alicecomplex

06-28-07, 03:52 PM

Hi Char! I'm fairly new here, but reading your first journal entry has really helped me. It is the hardest thing in the world to slowly get back to your starting weight, gaining back those pounds you'd thought you'd lost for good.

I recently just quit an awful job with an emotionally abusive boss... and have now found a job with the most amazing people here. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made in my life. I always thought since I was miserable at work, where I spent most of my time, why would it matter how I physically felt? I felt trapped in that job and trapped in my own body. Now that I am surrounded with decent people at work, I have more motivation to get healthy... I can't explain exactly why, but it's a great feeling. I urge you to try and get a better job environment if you can... life is too short to spend 2080 hours in misery a year.

Good luck with your goals in life, weight loss and personal. I may not know you well at all, but I promise you that I'm cheering you on. You'll be in my thoughts!

CharH

06-28-07, 11:36 PM

Hi Alice! :wave:
How nice of you to stop by. Thanks for taking the time to share your story and offer encouragement. That's what DT's all about and that's what keeps me coming back. I'm sure I'll see you around. You'll find so much support here and as long as you keep coming back you'll meet your goal - we all will!! I'll pop into your journal when I get a chance and hope to be able to offer you the same encouragement you offered me! :) We can do it!!

I did really well today, banana for breakfast, some raw peas for a snack, chicken ceasar salad for lunch, I had 36 oz of plain water and some crystal lite...and then my dear husband called when I got home from work and said..."Honey, come meet me and the boys for dinner" (they had been golfing) so I did and I ate chicken wings, french fries and had a diet soda. 8-| But that's okay it was one meal and I made better choices today in eating than I have in months. So I'm okay with it for now. :D

jayjay55

06-29-07, 12:27 PM

Char -- I can sense the postive vibes all the way out here on the west coast. Fabulous attitude about dinner -- it wasn't all that bad (you had diet soda LOL).

CharH

06-29-07, 11:15 PM

Thanks J LOL - yeah that diet soda helped me justify the whole thing! :o

Anyway...today I only managed to drink 20 oz of water, time just got away from me. I did drink quite a bit a crystal lite when I got home and am still drinking so like my friend Joanne says that's water too! I didn't have a diet soda at work all week for lunch which for me is a real accomplishment and I'm proud of that.

I've been toying around with counting the calories, counting some not others so next week my goal is to continue to drink my water AND crystal lite and record my calories on fitday. This is usually where I fall apart but it's the only way to get the facts and I know that. Fitday is my friend, fitday is my friend, fitday is my friend, fitday is my friend....:up:

SPEDTeacher

07-02-07, 06:25 PM

Char, You are doing so good. Counting calories is hard. I hear alot of people mention fitday. I look forward to hearing how it worked for you.

Sheri

CharH

07-02-07, 11:24 PM

Hi Sheri! :wave: Yes fitday.com is a great tool if you use it! :o It's free so give it a try. Last year I lost 30 lbs using fitday and Diet Talk as tools. Have you started a journal here? I'll have to take a peek. :D

Today was a total bust for me. I didn't drink my water at work...maybe 15 oz out of a 20 bottle. I didn't count my calories on fitday either. I gave into a chicken bowl at Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch. 8-|

I ordered a swim dress for swimming since I could never wear a regular bathing suit at my size...I just couldn't. I tried it on, it was a little big on my but I really just wanted to cry? I said to my husband what have I done to myself. He just smiled and said you need a tan. He was trying to be cute. Then I thought NOPE I am not going to do this to myself. I am not going to get all depressed and start feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out of it.

Tomorrow is a new day....fitday is my friend, fitday is my friend, fitday is my friend

Oh I almost forgot I tried my latin dance exercise DVD on Saturday...OMG!!! I got through about 3 minutes of it. First of all I have no dance ability and second I am totally uncoordinated and last of all YIKES it's no wonder why those women look like they do!!! LOL They move their bodies in ways I don't think mine would move it's just not possible. LOL

alicecomplex

07-03-07, 01:21 AM

Hahaha, I hate that feeling. I've gotten exercise tapes before that I thought would be fun, then found myself wondering how *anyone* in perfect shape could do some of that stuff, let alone people that actually need to lose weight.

And good for you for not letting yourself get depressed. You can totally do this & in no time, you'll be *excited* to go out and buy a bathing suit!

jayjay55

07-03-07, 12:14 PM

Joanne storms in to Char's journal and sternly tells Char (and Alice) --- DON"T WORRY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE -- DO THE EXERCISES AND MOVE MOVE MOVE!!! LOL.
OMG you both should have been flies on the wall last week at our Latin dance class -- what a collection of uncoordinated, untalented women -- but as our instructor said do not worry about nailing the moves --- JUST MOVE!!!!

OK off my soapbox but you get it don't you?? And don't worry Char I have my own meltdowns. I went to order my knee brace on Friday. Found out to my delight I could buy one there and then. And they carry them in larger than normal sizes. So once we figured out what brace I needed they tried to find me a size. She brought out an XL and I couldn't get it up and over my calf. So then out came the XXL. On the way home I broke down with my sweetie - crying that its not fair -- I eat right - I work out and still I am in an XXL. I know no matter what I have large legs -- once it passed I forgot about it and will be pleased to wear the XXL so that I can workout even more.

CharH

07-03-07, 11:55 PM

Joanne: You know I LOVE when you're on the soapbox! LOL I wasn't so much worried about how I looked when I was exercising it was just that I couldn't move my body in the directions they were. But I'm going to keep trying! Wouldn't if be wonderful if I could actually learn to latin dance? :O How cool would that be? LOL I wrote you an email about the knee brace situation! :D

Hi Alice: Yes I did feel like a total goof but like I just said to Joanne we have to keep trying!

Not sure how this happened but my calories today were only 1124. I know that's too low. It was just one of those days when food wasn't the only thing on my mind. That doesn't happen very often.

I drank a 20 oz bottle of water, 1 cup of coffee and tons of crystal lite (gosh I love that stuff).

:sam:HAPPY 4TH OF JULY EVERYONE!!

CharH

07-05-07, 11:16 PM

Today was a little bit stressful for me. It's definitely reflected in my calories, 2117 for the day! :( You have to love fitday.com - it doesn't lie. I thought about not recording my calories today because I knew they would be high and it was junk food but then I said to myself - Self...go record, get real, be real, you need to know the truth!

I would have been okay with calories except when I got home from work I crammed some junk in my mouth to ease the anger brewing inside of me about something I had absolutely NO control over - and then took a nap. How silly - but I did it and there is nothing I can do about it now. My sister even called me and said lets go for a walk - stubborn me still feeding the anger said "NO I want to sulk". I really said that to her...how silly. She said fine...8-| She knew I was upset and she was reaching out to me and I was acting like a big fat baby. Not very mature that's for sure.

Confessing it doesn't make it okay but it does make me see how ridiculous it is. Emotional eating has to the be deadliest. It's mindless and doesn't do anything but hurt me in the long run. If I'm going to get this eating thing under control I'm going to have to learn to find another outlet for negative emotions - like maybe taking a walk - DUH! :o Isn't it funny how we know all this stuff yet at the moment that it's happening everything we know and have learned goes right out the window???

Tomorrow is a new day..:) Note to self: recognize emotional eating and stop it in it's tracks!!

jayjay55

07-06-07, 01:17 PM

Ahh Char -- so sorry you got caught with the EEE (Evil Emotional Eating) or E cubed. Whatever we are all victim to it. Only time I find that I am saved from it is when I let loose and vent almost immediately. My sweetie is the best sounding board and I also ask him to stay with me during rotten times. He really doesn't give a crap what I eat but I just don't want to graze in front of him -- old throwback from my late husband.

Anyway it is a new day -- I hope whatever evil had you upset is past and you enjoy the weekend.

SPEDTeacher

07-07-07, 10:05 PM

Char, I have been there before and understand the eating your emotions. If I didn't do that I would probably not have a weight problem. I say eating your emotions, because usually I keep my emotions in and just eat until I am numb. Just get back on your program. You are doing such a good job.

sheri

Angel Eyes

07-08-07, 12:59 AM

I think most of us here are emotional eaters. I for one am. That is what led me to the size i am. Curbing the binge eating and emotional eating is very hard. I battle with it every day as i used this method of coping with lifes issues for many years. Time to break the pattern and make a new one. Hang in there, you will beat it.

CharH

07-08-07, 01:30 AM

Awe...thanks for the pep talk girls! Oh I know we all do it but it's just so darn frustrating!! 8-| I want to be one of those women that cleans like a maniac or rides the treadmill 10 miles to reduce stress! :D Hey...I could be...gotta work on that!

I absolutely know I'm headed in the right direction again though because I keep coming back here. Next year at this time I will be at my goal weight! :D How exciting!! :)

SPEDTeacher

07-08-07, 02:54 PM

It is funny you say that, I have 2 brothers and 1 sister-in-law who work out to reduce stress. They are 3 of the most healthy people I know. Maybe that means they have alot of stress to work off. :) Just kidding, they say they want to be around for their grandkids. One of the brothers is 45 and has a 1 year old. His first child! They are now expecting their second. He really watches his diet and exercise because he is concerned about his age and having such young children. I think with all three, it is just a decision they made and they work really hard at it. Maybe we could too.... I think once we get weight off it will be easier to work out more.

Sheri

CharH

07-10-07, 12:23 AM

It's so funny Sheri because I think all the time if I could lose some weight I would be able to exercise...then the logical part of my brain and my friend Joanne says...if you would exercise you would lose weight AND feel better! :o If I just stop over thinking everything and just do it I know I would make some real progress. Smoking is an issue with me also. I have to stop that really soon (I know we talked about that - I bookmarked the website you gave me). It's frustrating to get on the treadmill or doing any kind of aerobic exercise and have to stop because you can't friggin breath. That's pathetic.

EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE, I have a million of them!! :stop:

Both my sisters and my mother are those maniac cleaning people when the get stressed...well actually they're like that all the time! :laugh: I don't know why the three of them can't sit still EVER and me I'm just happy as a clam to be taking a nap. I must be missing the clean like a maniac gene. :( So I better get my butt on the treadmill. Okay Okay I'll dust it off 1st!! :o

I'm rambling again. Ahhhhh thank goodness for my journal. :D Joanne stop rolling your eyes!!!

jayjay55

07-10-07, 12:14 PM

Char I can see your problem clear as a bell -- you have no desire to clean (I am with you there sista!!) and you can't use the treadmill until you dust it. No dusting No Treadmill -- ohh how sad :D

Its just putting that first step forward -- I know you can do it and you will when you want to. I just know you haven't given up on yourself otherwise you would be like so many of our "lost" friends. Even if I have to get on a plane to Buffalo (shudder LOL) I will continue to make sure you never give up on yourself.

SPEDTeacher

07-10-07, 08:11 PM

You will do it. That treadmill is just waiting for you to wear it out!

Sheri

CharH

07-12-07, 12:02 AM

Okay lets see where am I? We have company from out of town so I've been busy doing fun stuff and visiting. I noticed the other day I think it was Sunday I had not had any water to drink - just diet soda - and I felt like crap. YUCK all bloated and just ewwww it was awful, my stomach was upset and blah blah blah TMI I know!! :laugh:. Well didn't I do the same darn thing yesterday. Geeezzz X-( It's not brain surgery - drink some darn water. So today I had plenty of water and crystal light and that bloated feeling is starting to go away. DRINK WATER, DRINK WATER, DRINK WATER!!!! :water: :water:

It's been really really hot here so I haven't been eating alot however I have not recorded my calories and that is a recipe for disaster.

Tomorrow...drink water, record calories. Okay? Yes :D

jayjay55

07-12-07, 11:37 AM

Hey Char -- drink some water!!! I know smart mouth - but I am proud of that designation.

Its stinkin hot here too and I was thinking that I wasn't eating much -- well yesterday was my highest calorie day. So for your sake record because its amazing how many calories we consume when we don't eat "anything" -- know what I mean??

SPEDTeacher

07-12-07, 12:44 PM

Hi Char, It sounds like you need to drink some water!! :) :water: Good job on not eating much. You can do this. :)

CharH

07-17-07, 02:38 PM

I'll be back next week!! :D

CharH

07-28-07, 01:22 AM

Okay so I took longer than expected to get back. 8-| Out of town company is gone and my niece is off to Air Force basic training...:c( Poor Joanne has been listening to my cry about this for 2 weeks...:o My niece is a good girl, she's physically fit and she's smart (but she's so young - but I digress). I'm sure she's fine and this will be a WONDERFUL experience for her. :c( How's that sound J?? :laugh: (I've written her 3 letters already!! - yes I'm the loser Aunt that won't go away!! LOL)

I saw some pictures the other day from when my Aunt and Uncle were here (I was in them) all I can say is WOW that's gross. I must say there was a lot of eating going on during the two week visit. At one point I said to my mother who loves to cook for an army - Mom, I just cannot eat anymore. I just can't! :laugh: Of course I'm the only fat one in the whole bunch so if I felt like that I can't even imagine how everyone else must have felt.

I plan to grocery shop on Sunday so I'm prepared for the week ahead.

I have been drinking my water but the food - oh dear all the food...:help:

CharH

08-04-07, 01:54 PM

My sister and I were having a conversation last night about weight loss and how difficult it is to stay focused. But is it really difficult to stay focused or is it just easier to eat? I have been told over and over again here that you can't look at the end result or the big picture (no pun intended) you have to take each day at a time. A simple statement and 100% TRUE!! If I would take each day at a time as a single step instead of focusing on the 70 lbs I need to lose maybe, NO I know I would be much further along in my weight loss and probably be on the difficult road to maintaining.

Exercise is also key. I know this and yet I don't get on the treadmill. Is it self sabotage? Is it laziness? I'm tired when I get home from work...I mean dead, "don't bother me" tired. However if I had a dinner invitation I would manage to pull myself together to go eat so why not pull myself together to get on the treadmill for five minutes?

So what causes us to sabotage ourselves? There are lots of low calorie foods out there that taste good. I managed to lose 30 lbs last year so I know it's possible. Why does it feel like such impending doom though to think about giving up food that you know is bad for you? Why do we or I over anazlye it? As I sit here and write this the thought of the brownies sitting on my kitchen cupboard come into my mind. WHY??? Fear, the fear of giving up an old friend? The fear of being deprived as if being healthy were some kind of punishment instead of a good thing. How do we get to this point? Why are those of us who are overweight so backwards in our thinking? I know myself I eat every meal lately like it's going to be my last, all the while the word diet looming in the back of my mind. Diets don't work. I'm living proof of that. How do you lose 30 lbs and gain it back? You do it by not learing a darn thing while you're losing it.

The diet industry rakes in billions of dollars every year so why are we overweight? Celebrities are stick, sickly looking thin and yet the rest of us get fatter and fatter. I'm always amazed by some celebrities so called stuggle with weight loss (I won't mention any names) and their miraculous discovery that it's possible. Maybe I'm just being difficult but quite honestly if money was no object and I had someone cooking my meals, waking me up to exercise and doing my laundry, my housework, driving me around and catering to my every whim I think I too could probably be sucessful in losing weight and keeping it off too. That's not my life though so I am the only one that can take responsibility and quite frankly it pisses me off!

There is no pill, there is no potion there is no magic bullet. It's what you put in your mouth and how much you move and burn calories. IT'S THAT FRIGGIN SIMPLE. So why all the fuss? Why all the debate in my mind? Why all the thinking and planning and dreading doing it? Hmmmm...don't know. Now if I had spent 5 minutes on the treadmill instead of 5 minutes typing all this I would be ahead of the game. But this is so much easier isn't it? I can really talk things to death.

CharH

08-05-07, 02:30 PM

It's Sunday and I'm feeling very blue today. I'm lazy, I'm tired and feeling sorry for myself. Not sure why I feel this way I just do. Probably my lack of energy or laziness, more likely, making me feel guilty. I haven't done anything today and that makes me feel VERY guilty. I should have gone grocery shopping and I should be cleaning right now but instead I'm roaming around DT. What exactly am I looking for? It seems I get overwhelmed very easily when I'm in this kind of mood. I spend too much time thinking and contemplating instead of doing things when I'm at home.

Well it's early enough in the day maybe I can still salvage some of it.

More later...

Editing this post...
I went back and looked through my old journal to see what I had been eating when I was successful losing weight. I've also looked at other journals to see what other people are eating. Now I've done that before but this time I made a grocery list so I am prepared when I go shopping. Tomorrow I'll be having dinner at my Mother's for her birthday. We took her out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate but she always has dinner at her house on Mondays...LOL so she's having her own birthday dinner!! LOL Anyway I'll grocery shop after dinner (this way I won't be hungry) and I'll get the things on my list and get started on this journal again for real. Will I be tired and miserable??? - ABSOLUTELY - but I'm doing it. I AM DOING IT!!!! It's written and I have to do it.

I'm just writing today off as a day of rest. I can't go back and get the hours back that I wasted doing nothing so I need to move on. Let the blue mood go and start again...I can and will do this.

Probably not much chance of me starting an exercise routine tomorrow since I'll have to go to work, go to my mom's for dinner and then go shopping. So I won't even set myself up for failure or make false promises. I did however get a book on tape last week at the library so I do have some motivation to get on the treadmill this week and be able to listen to the tapes. Why I didn't do it last week is irrelevant. I need to do it this week. Moving on...:)

SPEDTeacher

08-07-07, 12:52 AM

Hi Char, I hope dinner at your mom's was enjoyable. Sorry that you have been so blue. I understand though. I sometimes can get very blue as well. For me it usually boils down to me being blue because I am setting at home alone, I am setting at home alone because I have low self-esteem and don't want to put myself out there to be let down. I have low self-esteem because I am over weight and am ashamed of myself. I am overweight because I eat lots when I am blue. Hmmmm... looks like a cycle I need to break to me. :) Hang in there. You have already lost 10 lbs!!! That is wonderful!

jayjay55

08-07-07, 11:47 AM

Char my friend you know I am here for you. We are on the same road -- suffering from the same issues. The only thing I do know is that somewhere along this road in the past year I lost my ability to eat until I was stuffed. It's been fabulous. I eat half as much as I used to and feel full -- so I stop. I can't say when it happened. Just being true to my journals and to myself is part of the success.

Sad to say a lot of what happens to us as much as we think we are in control we aren't. So many studies show that binge eating is truly blindly horrible and out of our control. Its just a matter of getting our bodies in control. I will put some more about this in my journal -- I had a couple of epiphanies last week during my at home vacation.

SPEDTeacher

08-09-07, 12:39 AM

Hi Char, I hope you had a wonderful day today. I am just checking in. :)

CharH

08-26-07, 08:31 PM

I'm still here just lurking....:D

CharH

08-27-07, 10:56 AM

The truth is I'm feeling really down. It's so embarrassing but I fight it and fight and I just cannot maintain control of my life or my weight. I don't know what it is about DT that allows me to let my feelings flow in this journal but it just does. I'm the only one that can change it. How many times can I type that? I take everything too seriously and just shut down. I try to be positive but that only works for so long and then I just withdraw. The crazy thing is I know that so much has to do with my weight. Being fat makes me feel I deserve less than most people and makes me feel inferior. So why don't I just do something about it? Why do I keep having this internal struggle? Do I like feeling negative? Is it what I'm used to? What is it that stops me? If I spent as much time exercising as I do feeling sorry for myself I would be a supper skinny dynamo. I'm lonely, I cannot connect with people in my life. Everyone seems to go about their lives, taking care of their homes, children, going to work and I think why can't I be like that? What stops me?

I'm so friggin paranoid about everything. I'm surrounding myself with doom and gloom and I have this ridiculous feeling like I'm a child and I have to please everyone but the truth is I'm letting everyone down and I'm letting myself down. Is it possible to hate everything in your life? Or am I creating the hatred because of my insecurity?

I know this is a Diet site but I feel safe and at home here. Maybe that's naive too. I just need to get it out and writing in a blank journal just doesn't do if for me anymore. This feels more real to me. Maybe just maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way. I'm 43 my life is MORE than 1/2 over so how long do I let this go on? How much more time do I waste? I'm so ashamed and just cannot get a grip.

If my family and friends knew I was on this site typing all this stuff they would laugh at me or roll their eyes. I need to get a grip.

jayjay55

08-27-07, 11:49 AM

:hug: from someone that loves you dearly!!!

monicapink

08-27-07, 12:09 PM

Dear Char,

You know you're NOT ALONE ... all of us at ONE TIME OR ANOTHER have had the same feelings ...

This site is OPEN to all of us TO USE in a POSITIVE WAY to enable our successes. YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT ANYTHING ... and YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING YOU ...

I know that you have struggled :blackeye: but EACH ONE OF US STRUGGLES .. imho this isn't just about losing weight BUT about CREATING A HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER lifestyle ..

I detest the word "DIET" .. to me it's so negative .. and that there's nothing NEGATIVE about our DESIRE to lose weight and create a HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE. I know that YOU HAVE THE POWER AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE POSITIVE :up: CHANGES in your life. It starts with taking the FIRST STEP FORWARD -- it doesn't matter HOW MANY TIMES WE FALL BACK .. because let's get real with each other WE ALL FALL BACK .. that doesn't mean WE'VE FAILED .. it MEANS WE'RE HUMAN ..

Know that those of us who read your JOURNAL and HAVE COME TO KNOW YOU ... ARE HERE FOR YOU WITH EVERY STEP FORWARD ..

Your Journal is YOUR VOICE :coach: -- let it be YOUR WAY OF VENTING WHATEVER IT IS YOU FEEL .. RATHER THAN FEEDING THE WAY YOU FEEL ... I'm here for you whenever you need me AND I ALWAYS WILL BE .. so Char let us (and me) know WHEN YOU NEED THAT HELPING HAND ... I am as always, Monica :hug:

Yogi-girl

09-04-07, 05:17 PM

Hi Char! I do hope your doing better after the long weekend....it's funny...because I can go for a few weeks...strong willpower..exercising...posative mind set....and i'll think..."i've got this...i've got it back...i'm good to go..."...and then out of the blue...the old urges come back...the obsessing over food...what i've eaten...what i'm going to eat...eat my lunch and automatically look forward to my next meal...ughhhh....i feel for you...it's an addiction, food, and it's one you just can't quit...we still have to deal with food, shop for food and eat freaking food every day....we just have to learn how not to abuse it....sound like i know what i'm talking about?:laugh: oh..sorry, i tried. type whatever you want in your journal...and just don't tell your family about it...lol....HEY, writing and journaling is proven to be good for ones healthy frame of mind...so keep that up! if those of us out here reading other peoples posts don't like it...we just won't read it! :)
YOU take care!

CharH

09-04-07, 11:40 PM

Hi Ladies! Thanks for the support. Well I made a decision today. I'm going to join one of the biggest losers teams at DT. :cheer:

I am feeling better too, not so blue. JayJay brought up a really good point of course I never remember it while it's happening but anyway...even though I had a hysterectomy my body still seems to cycle with a PMS kind of thing. :o JayJay has been telling me this for over a year and yet everytime it happens I think...what's going on???? :c( Why do I feel this way???? X-( Then I come an spill my guts in my journal. :o But it makes me feel better and Yogi-Girl, Monica and JayJay are right no one is required to read it. :laugh: It's my jouranl. LOL

I have found a new drink that I absolutey love - and guess what it's water!! It's called Fruit~2~0, it has zero calories, no carbs, and 5 mg of sodium. Quite frankly I don't know how they do it! It comes in delicious flavors and I love it! Ahhhhhhh finally a way to drink water without dreading it. It's all I've been drinking. :water: Oh they also have a vitamin infused one too and it too has 0 calories, 0 carbs and a few mg of sodium!

Yogi-girl

09-10-07, 07:23 PM

Fruit 2 O rocks! lol...there is flav. carb water that i buy for hubby...zero carbs zero salt, zero calories...called thirst quenchers....it's really good! :)
Did you know that the Biggest Losers on t.v....figure their calorie needs for the day...(and this is with all the freaking exercise they do on the show...) by multiplying 7 to their current body weight...which is really super low...if i was exercising THAT much...i'd think 1600 would be good....
thats like saying...i need to exercise 3 hours a day...and only eat 1100 calories???? i don't think so! i was really surprised to read that!
well, good luck with the biggest losers!!!!! :) may just be the motivation you need! i'll have to check the threads out!

CharH

09-11-07, 09:04 AM

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001
NEVER FORGET
:ghug:

CharH

09-15-07, 09:58 AM

I DID IT!!!!
:cheer::cheer::cheer:

I got off the couch this morning...put on my sneakers and fired up that treadmill!!!! :) I walked only one mile at 3 mph and to be honest it was a very long 20 minutes - I thought it would never flip to 1 mile on the display!!! :laugh: But I did it!!! My legs still feel like they're moving. YEAH!!! I was listening to a book on tape which quite frankly was BORING!!! But I kept going which proves I CAN DO THIS!!!

For the past couple of weeks I've been drinking nothing but the Fruit~2~0 water, I've even been taking it when I go to my Mom's for dinner or just for a visit just so I have it with me. I take it to work, drink it at home and I'm loving it and drinking plenty of it. I just stocked up with 2 more cases last night.

But the big story of the morning is my WALKING 1 MILE!!! CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!! :cheer: I'm so excited and I just feel so proud right now!!! HEY NOW I CAN MOVE MY LITTLE FROG EXERCISE TICKER!!!! DOUBLE YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CharH

09-22-07, 12:19 AM

:cheer:
:cheer::cheer:
:cheer::cheer::cheer:

I needed a cheerleader pyramid to get me going again...8-|

CharH

10-13-07, 03:04 AM

I haven't written in my journal in quite awhile. I recently went on vacation and had a wonderful time. One thing did bother me though my weight. I was with my mother and my Aunt as well has my husband, father and uncle. My mother is in her 60's my aunt in her late 50's - both very attractive women and thin! Every time we went somewhere they looked fabulous. Dressed well, makeup and hair done to perfection and then there was me! LOL :o Now don't get me wrong looks mean nothing but these ladies are wonderful people too and I couldn't help but feel intimidated by them looking so fabulous and me looking like a frump especially since they are both almost 20 years older than I am. I didn't dwell on it as I said I had a wonderful time. Looking back at the pictures though it's obvious just how disgusting I do look. I might add that my weight stopped me from doing some things I would have liked to have done, that's never happened to me before and it was certainly and eye opener. I've been floundering around for more than a year now. I'm either going to do this or I'm not.

We're planning another vacation for next year and I don't want to be the fat one AGAIN!! What scares me most is I keep writing the same things over and over and over again in this journal and time is passing quickly. The definition of insanity is doing the SAME thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So needless to say I'm driving myself insane.

I'm unhealthy and look disgusting and I know it. I'm embarrassed at how I look and I'm frightened at how I feel. I'm not looking for sympathy I'm looking for a kick in the a*s - and I'm the one who needs to do the kicking.

I don't want to be writing this same entry 6 months from now. Now is the time to start. I haven't gained in the past few months but I haven't lost either and I need to LOSE, LOSE, LOSE!! But I need to do it one day at a time, one meal at a time, one mile on the treadmill at a time. It's not that difficult. I'm rebelling against myself. I don't ever expect to be a size 5, I just want to be a normal size. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't think that's too much for me to accomplish. So I need to stop thinking every yummy thing I eat will be my last meal if I commit to weight loss. I must take back control of my eating, my exercise and dispose of every excuse I've made in the past year for why I haven't continued my weight loss journey. Exercise and food in moderation will get me started on my way. That's all - nothing drastic, nothing crazy.

Please give me the strength to get off my fat butt and do this again...please!! I don't want this body, it's not who I am, it's not who I want to be. There was a time when I was so dedicated to losing weight and coming to DT it's all I could think about. I need to rededicate myself to me and to what I need and what I want. :)

monicapink

10-13-07, 07:32 AM

Dear Char,

YOU CAN DO THIS ..

:stop: LOOKING BACK .. and START moving :ex: FORWARD .. Love you lots :hug:, I am as always, Monica

jayjay55

10-14-07, 12:30 AM

We are starting this journey again now together. I took my first steps today -- it was tough -- man it was tough but I did it. I don't want to look back and you won't either.

Come on dear friend lets do this!!!!!!!!!!!

CharH

10-14-07, 10:26 PM

Hi Jay, Hi Monica! :wave: I agree, I can do this! I must get my butt on treadmill.

It's so nice to come here and find little messages from wonderful people. :D

I did a lot of sleeping today. I've been very very tired since returning from AZ. Can jet lag last a week?? :laugh: Yikes...I-)

Anyway new week new beginning again! I'm optomistic I've made up my mind that I want to do this and I'm not looking back.

jayjay55

10-15-07, 12:12 PM

Char its not your butt we need to get on the treadmill -- get those two feet and legs on and going going going. Ok so listening to the book isn't fun for you--- one thing I do find if I am using the treadmill is to cover up the time. I tend to watch it like a hawk and it seems like it takes forever -- but as soon as I cover it up I get surprised.

Glad to see your renewed determination -- we can do this -- we will do this.

CharH

10-15-07, 09:33 PM

Jay - that's an excellent idea. I do tend to watch that time like a hawk. I'll give that a try.

I also decided today that I am going to do at least one household chore when I come home every day. I need to start feeling better about myself in general. I think taking better care of my home will help me mentally. Don't ask me why - it just will! I feel so overloaded on the weekends when I let everything go and end up not completing most of the tasks I set out to do in the house (housekeeper is out of the question!! :laugh:). Sometimes you just need to go beyond the basics I definitely need to go beyond the basics at this point! :o

I did complete a chore when I came home today that should have been done on the weekend...and it made me feel good! :)

Winter will be here in no time and it's usually a very depressing time for me. I really really hate it. I'm not going to fall into the winter blues trap that I usually do. I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T. I'm going to use this upcoming winter to my advantage. There are plenty of things to be done inside my home that will give me a sense of accomplishment. Totally not diet related -but then again maybe it is. If I feel better about other areas of my life I'll be more likely to stay focused on getting healthy and wanting to lose weight. Time is ticking, I'm not getting any younger! I'm going to be so HOT by the time I'm 45!! :laugh: Okay that might be stretching it but at least I'll be a normal size and much healthier!!

So back to the treadmill...yeah I need to get on it! :D

UPDATE - CALORIES FOR TODAY 2192!!! :O Okay then...YIKES! Breathe...breathe...I found a new food recording website http://www.thedailyplate.com/, so I thought I would check it out! Well...I'm glad I did!

jayjay55

10-16-07, 01:14 PM

Hey Char what a great post -- love the 'tude!!! I will check out the new calorie site -- I am sort of bored with the one I have but I find I do so many "homemade" foods it takes about 5 or 6 entries to figure out one silly wrap LOL.

CharH

10-18-07, 12:03 AM

LOL so much for my "tude" Jay - I haven't done very well the last 2 days with my goals! What the heck?? X-( My husband picked up our vacation pictures yesterday and I must say I WAS HORRIFIED!! I couldn't believe how awful I looked. I'm HUGE!! That really upset me. But in true Char form instead of putting my foot down and saying that's it!!!! I felt sorry for myself and comforted my aching heart with FOOD!! X-( I ABSOLULEY 100% do not want to look like that in the next vacation pictures. So what am I going to do about it? What in the h*ll is wrong with me??? I'm done feeling sorry for myself and now I'm just mad. X-( What am I thinking?? This is sounding a lot like my 10/13/07 post. Blah blah blah...try again tomorrow! :)

CharH

10-20-07, 12:30 AM

No diet related brainstorming here just my thoughts so I remember how awful I felt today and that I really do need to address this problem. I seem to be battling several issues at a time here and addressing none of them. I seem to have a long list of things I want to do but NEVER do. I'm a member of the procrastinators club. I'm not putting myself down - it's the truth I am a member of the club. In fact I think I may be the ring leader! :o I know I'm really out of control when I obsess about makeup. I find that quite amusing because putting makeup on bad skin and a huge fat face isn't going to make me thin nor does it make me feel better. I just end up being mad that I spent money on avoiding the real problem, my weight! Funny thing...I don't wear a lot of makeup. Why do I keep buying this crap? Oh yeah...it takes the focus off my weight. I have crappy skin. How many products can I keep trying? How much money can I keep spending on trying to make my skin better? I'm 43 I think I've pretty much tried everything. Oh yeah that's right it takes the focus off my weight. I felt horrible today. I thought I was going to absolutely BUST out of my jeans. I was so uncomfortable I felt sick. I couldn't hold in my stomach any more - not that it matters because it sticks out even when I hold it in. HELLO??? Get a clue.

Hey I have an idea! How about eating a healthy diet and exercising? I would look better I would feel better I would have energy, confidence and probably be able to accomplish a lot more in a day and I would be in control! Naw that's too simple. 8-| It's much easier to keep stressing about all the things I can't change instead of focusing on the things I can. I set goals...I break them. Why??? Why am I doing this? What is the reason?

Yes I absolutely did just have a conversation with MYSELF in my journal. No I have not lost my mind. I'm just desperate to find some kind of logic in my irrational thinking.

crazy2

10-20-07, 12:39 AM

Hey Char,

Sorry I haven't been in this new journal yet. Glad you are here though.

So, what is one thing you are going to do today the will be a step towards a healthy habit? Get on the treadmill, eat an apple, track those calories? What? Just one good thing. Just focus on one thing and do it well.

Hang in there. Quit beating yourself up, that never helps. Just look forward all the time. Maybe to just the next minute, maybe the next hour, whatever. You can do it.

And I think that getting our homes tidied up makes a world of difference in how we feel about ourselves. Don't forget to ask for help if you can. We are not the only ones in the house who can do something.

See you soon.

monicapink

10-20-07, 11:49 AM

My father used to say TALKING TO YOURSELF IS OKAY ... lol IT'S WHEN YOU ANSWER YOURSELF -- YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM

Char, YOU HAVE TO :stop: BEATING :whip: YOURSELF UP ..

Make a START .. FOCUS :O on ONE ASPECT of your weight loss plan .. MAKE IT :water: OR :ex: OR FOOD .. stay with that for 7 to 10 days .. until YOU HAVE IT SO FIXED ..

You know YOU CAN DO THIS .. so come on my friend START TODAY TO MAKE IT TO YOUR GOAL . I am as always, Monica :hug:

CharH

11-20-07, 10:09 PM

I'm going to make a commitment to come here every day and post in MY journal and in at least one other journal - encouraging someone else can only inspire me and possibly help someone else. It only takes a few minutes and I think it will be key in getting me back on track. I have to get back to DT. Coming here was a huge part of my success before and it can be again. I have the tools I just have to use them. :D

boblin

11-20-07, 11:44 PM

Hi Char
Thanks for picking me for being the one that needed encouraging today. I do need it and a lot of it. But like Monica said take one of those three things just one and make it your priority for 7 to 10 days. Get that right then add something else. As you seen in my journal. I go for so many days and blow it. But i've been getting better at picking myself back up. I refuse to stay down. So we can learn we need to be like baby's baby steps. Good luck.

jayjay55

11-21-07, 12:18 PM

One foot in front of the other Char - I know you can do it!!!!

monicapink

11-21-07, 12:27 PM

Good Morning Char,

I want to wish YOU AND YOURS a Happy :turkey: and Blessed :harvest: Thanksgiving... and :cheers: TO YOUR SUCCESSES IN THE COMING DAYS .. I am as always, Monica :hug:

CharH

11-21-07, 11:01 PM

Hi Ladies!

Thank you so much for dropping in. I do love to get little messages. :) It warms my heart and inspires me!

I ordered some clothes on line - they are going back. not a good fit, junky material...blech X-( when will I learn? LOL I think I'll just save my money because in a few months I will be needing new clothes. I can get by with what I have. Maybe I'll check out a store or two for a pair of jeans (stretch jeans) to get me thru the winter - though I do HATE the thought of shopping!! I honestly don't know how anyone can wear jeans without stretch in them. LOL Even if I was little and skinny I couldn't do it! Too uncomfortable in my opinion. :down: I think it's possible to be stylish and comfortable. Isn't it?? LOL

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! :harvest: Have a wonderful Thursday to those who don't!

jayjay55

11-22-07, 12:08 PM

Hi Char -- :turkeytalk: HAPPY THANKSGIVING :turkeytalk:

I will be sitting here slogging away at work without our usual banter - but I will survive LOL. You will too. Glad you are sending back the crap. Pick a slow day -- find a nice store that you are comfortable with their clothes and once you get a style you can just buy a couple of colours without trying on too much.

ENJOY the day!!!!!!!!!!!

Joanne

CharH

11-22-07, 10:14 PM

Thanks Jay! I hope you had a nice day. :)

Unfortunately my Thanksgiving Day started at 12:10 AM with my husband calling me to say he had been in a car accident. He had gone to a hockey game and had some drinks with friends after the game. I was sick to my stomach to hear the fear in his voice when he called. As soon has I picked up the phone he said "honey?" (that's what he always calls me - but it was the tone in his voice) and I knew something was terribly wrong. I flew out of this house like a maniac to get to him. Thankfully he was not hurt and no one else was either. Our brand new car however, not so good, it's probably totaled. We will find out tomorrow. It had to be towed - that's never a good thing. The car had been towed away before I got there. He was very lucky, but it's been an awful day for him because he keeps playing it over and over in his mind. He feels terrible about it and quite honestly I feel very bad for him. I keep telling him it was an accident but I think he's just traumatized right now. He's attached himself to me at the hip (which isn't like him...LOL) but I understand how he feels. I don't think you ever forget the sound of that twisting metal and the thought of what could have happened is fresh in his mind. He's never been in a car accident before and this one was serious. A pubic transportation bus was pulled over dropping off or picking up passengers and then pulled out in front of him as he went to go around it. He tried to swerve but there was oncoming traffic - so he had no where to go but into the back of the bus. It's was dark and raining very very hard last night. The roads were slick from all the water and it was just a terrible accident. It happened right in front of a fire department, the guys in the fire department were kind enough to take him in and he waited there until I could get to him. I was grateful for that. They were a great bunch of guys. They calmed him down, gave him some coffee and sat and talked with him.

We'll take care of the details tomorrow and hopefully that will put his mind at ease a little.

He keeps apologizing to me and I keep telling him it was an accident. It happens every day and as long as he wasn't hurt everything else can be fixed, worked out and or replaced. He finally fell asleep on the couch and he seems to be resting comfortably right now.

So on this Thanksgiving Day of 2007 I had plenty to be thankful for! :rose:

jayjay55

11-23-07, 12:05 PM

OMG Char -- what a horrid way to start the day. I am SOOOO glad "T" is safe and sound -- just remember the car is only some plastic and steel its his safety that is important.

What a fabulous loving wife you are and I am thankful that he is safe and you have nothing more serious to deal with than the aftermath.

HUGE HUGS to you both!!!!!!!!!!!

boblin

11-23-07, 01:28 PM

Were the police called to the scene of the accident. If he was drinking, Did he loses his license for impaired. Here in Ontario he wouldn't stand a chance. Certainly not here in our small Northern community. My brother just lost his license for impaired going to a neighbours house in the country way out in the boony's. No accident they found his car in the ditch. They found him in his house. He's fighting in court he doesn't even know how the car got there. The neighbours kids went and got a bottle of booze from him kids like 19 and up. He says keys must of been in the car. He's literally in the bush. And they took it to get home. As they had walked to his place. Oh well time will tell what happens.
So glad that your man walked away from the accident. If we look around us don't we all have a lot to be thankful for. Take care.

CharH

11-23-07, 11:32 PM

Hi Linda! Hi Jay! :wave: Thank you for visiting!! It means a lot to me. :hug:

Yes the police were called to the scene fortunately for him he knew one of the officers and one of the guys in the firehouse. He walked away with nothing more than a traffic violation - they had to write him a ticket for something. He had been drinking, he wasn't drunk but these days it doesn't matter he probably would have been charged had they done a sobriety test. I think he realizes, no I know he realizes how lucky he was and how stupid it is to drink and drive. Whether alcohol played a role in the accident we will never know in my heart I believe any amount of alcohol impairs judgement. All I really care about at this point is that he is okay and I pray to God he learned a valuable lesson. I've always told him if you are out somewhere and need a ride home please call me, doesn't matter the time, just call me, I would never get mad. Because it doesn't matter now a days whether you have 2 drinks or 20 you can lose your license for both.

Linda - I'm sorry for what your brother is going through. I hope things work out for him. I can't even imagine how I would have felt if my husband would have been charged with driving under the influence. It frightens me.

I went to see the car today at the Dealer and all I can say is I'm certainly glad I saw my husband before I saw the car. It's a mangled wreck of metal and glass. :O

He still attached to me at the hip. A few more days and I'm going to have to send him back down to the family room :crazy: he's messing up my living room! LOL :laugh: I'm teasing (well he is messing up my living room) but I will give him every ounce of comfort and support he needs.

Hmmm...none of this has ANYTHING to do with weight loss!! :o Oh well my journal my rules right? :laugh: