i started out at 181....... i got down to 152... right now 152 is a far off dream........ that id be greatful for. i havent weighed myself but i am going to guess 175... i cant fit into the clothes i was able to wear... i had to start wearing a size up again that i had given to my sister (had to take them back).. this feeling is unbearable.. its an uncontrollable depressing hopeless feeling...... i am so sad and so angry at myself i did this. I did this! i can't put the blame on anyone else. i hate that. i am the one who wakes up every day promising i will do good and by the end of the day feel ashamed and angry i once again screwed up. i can't be any less hard on myself so don't suggest it. every day i think about this... how sad i am that i am gaining weight....... i get anxiety thinking about it.
now dont get the wrong impression im not like so angry im going to do anything harmful! i have a lot to live for. i am just so mad and my self esteem is so bad right now. when i lost weight i got all those comments "you look great.. wow how much did u lose..."
now nobody says that. i just ate a piece of cake and i feel worse then ever. fat. i hate that word. i hate going out and not feeling confident. why cant i just stick to the calories i should or healthy food. why do i nourish myself with awful foods that are not healthy for me and slowly making me gain my weight back. why after i am full do i not want junk.....
idk what i can do anymore....... i need to get my act together. this is spring break.... my goal is small and simple. i want to eat better. better then now i dont want to gain any weight this week. i am going to keep this journal every day so i can share everything i am feeling. cuz i cant keep it in anymore... its to hard...:help:

Hi Heather,

Welcome here!!! It is a great place to be and you will find lots of people just like you, just like me. So feel free to check out any posting you like, respond anywhere you like. You are part of the family now so let us get to know you and cheer you on.

Just one thought I have is do you live on your own? If you do then get all the junk out of the house, if it isn't there you can't eat it. Replace it with fruit, veggies, whole-grains etc. If you don't know all the good choices don't worry, as you get to know people and read posts here you will learn bit by bit.

Maybe pick one or two goals for your day, and then don't worry about the rest of the day, just try to do those 1 or 2 things the best you can.

Hope to see you soon again.

First day of my new life. thats what im calling it anyway. i am going to try to be positive about this however i am going to write how i feel. i just woke up so im about to do breakfast. every meal for me is a struggle (and in between meals especially) however breakfast is not such a struggle. not sure what it is about breakfast but i only crave healthy foods to begin with at breakfast. i am going to have fiber cereal for breakfast. its not the greatest cereal however it has like 50% of ur daily fiber. my thoughts are u can never have enough fiber haha. ill write later...

fiber cereal for breakfast. around now is when id want to snack on junk... i have to go to wegmans (grocery store) and get something for lunch for the week because i have off for spring break.. so ill be home all week. dangerous but then again i eat bad at school so it cant be much worse. im on my way to my friends house now.. i feel like the more i write in this the better ill do..

ps. i looked at myself in the mirror. its sad how much ive gained. i hate the mirror

so this is my journal so i get to be honest.. not leave anything out. so far i ate today: like i said cereal.. fiber cereal with skim milk and a cup of juice (which counts as 2 fruit servings it has that little green check on it haha)... lunch i had subway 6 inch turkey with sweet onion sauce on it.... snack i just had pudding i made with skim milk....

now im STARVING. its 5 pm. the problem is the earlier i eat the hungrier i will be tonight. guess i better start dinner soon. its a recipe i found on biggest loser chicken with vegetables in sauce. its pretty good.

today? no good.. of course. id love to have 2 days in a row i dont screw up. so i woke up around ten thirty. idk why so late but my daughter slept in allowing me to ... i had lunch plans with my grandma at noon so i figured why eat anything when id be eating in an hour.
so i looked at the menu. i considered doing healthy i did. why didnt i? idk.. meatball sandwich sounded good. and of course so did the fries it came with....... and TO TOP IT OFF i shared a dessert with my sister. (diet coke by at that point why does it matter?)

dinner later on.... i wasnt hungry after that for hours and hours. i didnt eat until 8. i had cereal. which would have been ok but then my friend brought left over chicken finger bites from apple bees so i had some of those! tomorrow... i am going to get back on track. so sad :( i hate being fat

so far so good :) cereal for breakfast with 1 cup of juice (healthy juice)
lunch just had a turkey wrap w/ honey mustard and a fat free 80 cal black cherry yogurt. im very proud of myself. my prob is tonight i am meeting some friends at a bar for a drink or two.. not only that but ill be tempted to eat. my thoughts here are.. one i could eat before but then if i eat it will be even MORE cals.. or just dont eat and be starving there and probably get something. lose lose situation. i wish i was capable of not getting something to eat there ... but ik if everyone else is.. i wont just sit there and have a drink. wtf

that show is so inspiring. i wish they had a biggest loser for people under 200 pounds because i would join. just because i dont weigh 250 pounds doesnt mean i dont struggle to lose weight every single day of my life!
i haven't been donig great lately... could have been worse but like i said not great. its just been random eating.. no schedule to it. this mornign i had a jelly donut for breakfast. i know very unhealthy. my problem is my daughters grand parents send her home with a donut and muffin after weekends that they see her.. idkwhy! but tehy are for her and i end up sometimes having one..
lunch i packed a lean gourmet meal. i wish i had someone to map out exactly what i should eat each day.. from breakfast to dinner. i think i may weigh myself at work todya. just to get an idea as to where i am. i am also thinking of joining OA. any suggestions?

There are several free online meal plans available. I think it's Self magazine that has one. You enter your height, weight, and activity level, and it will give you a meal plan (with shopping lists you can print out for each day or a week at a time). It's worth looking into.

I find that when I eat on a regular schedule, I do much better. Since I have a 7:30-5 job, I eat breakfast at 7:30, snack 11:30-12ish, lunch at 1:30, then dinner around 5-6, and sometimes a snack after that. My body is so used to this plan now, I don't find myself snacking nearly as much as I used to. I also take a few minutes in the morning to plan out my food for the day, and since I am doing Weight Watchers, I keep track of my points as I go along (and as I plan in the morning). It has really helped me, and I know it has helped others.

One last trick...when I know I am going to be eating out, I try to plan ahead. I met a bunch of friends at Chili's a couple weeks ago, so I went online to their website, and they have all their nutrition information available, and I was able to "weigh" my options and was able to make the best choice I could. It just takes a few minutes, but is well worth it!

Keep fighting. You'll get the hang of it. Just take it one day at a time, and it will happen. You CAN do it!