Why do we treat people who real their goal weight differently then when they were overweight?


------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

Hey John, good question....Maybe jelousy? That we havent made it to our goal yet and that person did and we want to hate them for it. lol That may sound funny, but it is very true in some cases. It is just like if someone has something you really really want, as in material things, you may act all angry at them or something. I think the same thing goes for weight loss too. You work so hard for this and somone beats you to it. You feel as though it just isnt fair! That you may deserve it more than they do.

Have a great day all....

heather ww

good question john,
i have had a lot of experience with this. of people suddenly thinking i am worth their time now that i am at goal. before they wouldnt have talked to me but i was still me.
people get so caught up with the outside package that they often dont get to know the person inside.
some people also arent as happy for me now that i am at goal as i thought they would be. perhaps they are jealous as heather said. or just waiting for me to fail and gain back the 50 pounds. well guess what they are going to have a LONG wait!
hugs belinda :D

Excellent question John....you're really making us think arent you!

I know before I got very heavy, I was treated differently. Better. Perhaps it was cause I acted differently? Attitude is everything People!
Has anyone had the opportunity to chat with those that have reached their goals? Those people act differently than when they were on their way...and I guess that's how it should be. They have a certain confidence, a desire to share how their lives have changed..and yes...some even tend to brag a bit...LOL..but dont be too quick to brand me the "sour grapes" peach...I'd LOVE to be the one braggin'!!! LOL
Take care everyone!
Peach

[This message has been edited by Peach (edited 11-06-2000).]

PEACH YOU ARE GETTING SO SKINNY GIRL...
:)

------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

Hey Peach.. I'm trying to in a "calm" manner.


------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

We should be happy for them that they've lost the weight and even take a motivational tip that it CAN be done.

However, more often, people fall into a "pity-bag" if you will... Why can't it be me?... Why were we made to live an existence of struggling with weight?

It is human nature, I think. I have a long ways to go, but next time I talk with someone who has made their goal weight, I just might look at it as an opportunity for me to learn from them... what they did to achieve success... what tips they might have for me, etc.

Leaving my two cents,
Roxie

I don't think I would want to treat them any differently. Afterall they are still the same person deep down inside. I know I've had many experiences where people treat me in a different manner. Especially some of my inlaws. I know it's because they are overweight and I've succeeded at the goal I've set out to do. People that used to talk to me when I was heavier now choose to ignore me. It hurts big time!!!!!! I know a lot of you may think I'm imagining it but believe me I'm not. I notice when i talk to them (inlaws) they stare me up and down never once congratulating me. BUT I bet if I were to gain that weight back (which I intend NOT to do) they will treat me better.

------------------
bougiej@hotmail.com

In my opinion it is because people will always have something to say.. Even if they aren't saying things to your face they are saying it to your back..for example when you are heavy they talk about you saying things like wow she is really big..then you lose the weight and guess what..they can't say anything or maybe some will say she looks sick which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone should be treated fairly.. Negativity is the biggest corrupter of the mind!

Nikita

------------------
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Our image of someone is challenged when they start behaving in ways different from what we are accustomed to. Instead of being in the same boat with us, we veiw them as being uppity, and looking down on us. We take their personal success as a critism of ourselves. It is really ourselves that is being critical. They are still feeling the same challenges, but have learned how to cope. We can learn a lot from them.

------------------
We are the authors of our own dreams.

I think DW has a good point. It's easy to see a person's weight loss as a criticism, if you are overweight, or if you're not able to lose weight.
I hope to have some personal insight on the experience some day soon. :)

DW... but what does that do the the dieter who has reached goal? I would have to say that IMHO that its very undermining to long term success of their goal.



------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

Joanne, how funny!!! How bad will it make MIL feel when I lose weight? Pretty bad, considering her rear end is the size of Texas. Great incentive!

As to people who reach goal, I remember the first time I walked into Weight Watchers and saw a thin woman I thought "what's she doing here?". Turns out she had lost a great deal of weight and was at goal. Keeping the weight off for her is as much of a struggle for her as it was for her to lose it.

Like it was mentioned earlier some people do look at you and assume you are ill and that's how you lost the weight. Not only ill but that they must have become anorexic...Critism at losing the weight is almost as hurtful as when someone mentions the fact that you look like you've put on weight. It's basically a no win situation.

------------------
bougiej@hotmail.com

You know, I'm remembering when I came back from Brazil after being there for about 10 months. I'd lost about 55 pounds, and weighed about 160 at the time. (I'm 5'6")

The first thing I did was go to see my very close friend Leo. Now right about the time I left for Brazil, she had had her GB removed. She had taken some time off work, and had really put on weight. She's about 5'3", and probably weighed about 180 at the time.
I'll never forget the look on her face when she opened the door and saw me. Wish I could. She looked so hurt, and so embarrassed. She had tears in her eyes when she said, "you've gotten so thin...". I'd always been overweight, much heavier than her. She had been my roommate, and we could never borrow each other's clothes becouse I was so much fatter. And in that moment when she opened the door I realized for the first time how really hard it would be on her to change roles with me, to be "the fat one."
I guess it's a moot point, since I gained all the weight back within a couple of years.
We've had a few threads about the mixed feelings some of us experience as we loose weight; some have called the weight their insulation, I've referred to fat as a filter. But fat can also be a way of handicapping yourself, of making yourself non-threatening, a non-competitor. We are not competing with our single girlfriends, we won't provoke envy in strangers. We're safe from that. So what does it say to us when a woman strips herself of that soft innocuousness? Is she really suddenly "stuck up"? Or is that just compared to how humbley fat she was before? Is she really more agressive, or has she just stopped living her life like an apology for her size?

Are fat people really jolly?
Or just trying to compensate by being fun to be with? Does that mean that when I get to goal I can finally act sour?

Did I really NEED that 4th cup of coffee?
Heehee!

It is obvious from some of these posts what these attitudes do to the person who has worked so hard to lose weight. The person more than likely will gain it back. We want to lose weight, be more active, be healthier. We don't want to lose our friends. As our lives change, our friends may no longer fit like they once did. These changes aren't easy, but some times it has to happen.

We do treat people differently when they lose weight. We get treated differently when we lose weight. Part of it is that we are different. If we can't go with it, we will revert back to our old habits, our old selves, our old body. Can't sit home on the sofa with hubby for 5 hours a night, meet the girls in the office for fattening fast food lunches everyday, and share cookies and milk with the kids every night, and still fit in a size 8! Something has to give. It is you or them! If your goal is important enough you do it. If the kids will go outside with you it would be good for them also. If the girls will switch to a salad and a walk with you, great! If hubby won't walk with you, at least not complaining while you go out for a couple miles might save your marriage. Otherwise it seems your choices are limited. Live with it and resolve to be happy with these people, or assert your, and let the chips fall where they may.

------------------
We are the authors of our own dreams.

We just lost a long time diettalker who claims that because they reached goal that people were treating "them" differently.

Everyone.. How does it feel that some you have become the people you have complained about for years? The person who throws a wrench in your positive attitude.




------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

John I don't think Joanne left because people were treating her differently. I think she was more upset because of the people complaining about censoring because she HAD editied peoples posts..and yes you are correct it does show she had edited and added comments. I don't think she meant any harm doing this but people were upset. I hate it if we can't get along I have had my posts moved or disappear on many many occasions. I don't complain mostly because it just doesn't bother meonce I say what I have to say I feel better even if the post disappears I feel better so I am not offended by it. Others are more uptight than I am though. I try to take it all light cause life is just to short to "stew" about small things. I will really miss Joanne.
As far as people treating you differnt after you reach goal I just don't think that happens here at DIETTALK maybe in the real world. But I was a size 20 when I started here and I am now bordering on a size 8 and as far as I can tell EVERYONE loves me. They treat me wonderful and pull for me to lose my last 20 pounds just like they did when I was working on the first pound. Sometimes when we get in a NEW person and they ask how much I weigh and I say 157 they say ohh you are not fat or you are already thin I have to remind them yes I am. but when i began here at diet talk I was a size 20 and it took me 4 yrs to get to where I am. Then they are more understanding and careing and ask me how I did it and I feel like I can help them in some small manner. Last night I went into the 100+ chat and was welcomed with open arms even though by most of them I am thin they still support me and care about my frustrations even if it is just 20 pounds.
I just think SOME people change when they get thin they get arrogant and forget how it was to be fat and choose to not be sensitive to others. I don't think I have that problem because I lost my weight so slowly..and I AM STILL MY SAME SWEET SELF no matter my size..hehee
I can't wait to see all our 100+'ers at goal..

------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

If there is evidence that we lost Joanne because people treat her differently now that she has lost weight, it has been hidden from most of us. I wouldn't have put up with it,personally. I hope she reaches goal and stays there (I thought she was still a few pounds to go.. if not CONGRATULATIONS!).

As for treating people differently, there is the struggle that when someone improves on themselves, one views it as a reflection of how they are NOT doing well.

And yes, Pamela.. We all love you! :) Your skinny ass and all. LOL

Corinna


------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

Pamela... can I say it any plainer that I was the one who deleted those threads? Not anyone else.


------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

Corinna:

I've wondered for a long time why nobody uses goal board and why there isn't many people here who reach goal.

I have had some other accounts of people who have reached goal and who have been given the cold shoulder.


------------------
You can do it!!!!!!

John
hosts@diettalk.com

John,
I am not talking about those deleted threads. I am talking about Joanne going into peoples posts and editing them and making comments in others posts. Just as you said it says on those editied posts..
[This post has been edited by Joanne (date)]...Just like when we edit them ourselves.She never did it to me but I did see where she did it to others and I heard the complaints. I do not think she meant any harm. I like Joanne and she knows that. I am just saying I can understand why it would have upset people. I hope Joanne does not leave but I think she is not JUST leaving because others got jealous of her weight loss. I truly believe when others have the ability to upset you it stems from issues you actually have with yourself. Seen enough shrinks can ya tell??hehee

Not trying to upset you John..just trying to clarify that I KNOW she did not delete those threads..I know you did and u have every right it is your board you can do as you please..I love diettalk otherwise I would not have been here all these years. I think the support is better here than anywhere on the net. :)

------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

[This message has been edited by Pamela (edited 11-09-2000).]

i am sad to see that joanne feels that she has to leave diettalk. i have stayed out of the recent disharmony because once i start i wont stop lol..
as someone who has reached goal i can honestly say that i have never once felt that people have treated me differently here at diettalk. when i post on the bulletin board that i am having a bad day the great people here still support me even though i am on maintenance. i too went into the 100+ chat yesterday and was welcomed by the great gals there.
sure there will always be people that feel that someone elses success only highlights their failure. but i dont think that is anybody here...
we need to stick together and remember that support is what we are coming here for. there is bound to be a clash of personalities at some point.can we put this all behind us?
hugs everyone belinda (chevy)

Well, gang, I've been keeping my mouth shut about all of this because I felt like enough had been said already... but, what can I say, I'm getting close to another star :)

I feel terrible that some folks have chosen to leave Diettalk because they felt uncomfortable for whatever reason. When Pickle left I was very saddened because he was a great contributor and always made me laugh. However, it's his decision and I support him in it. And Joanne... wow that's a real blow to us all. I don't think Joanne knew how appreciated she was, although after reading all the posts in that are up now, it seems clear. I have to confess at this point that yes, when I would read Joanne's weigh ins and see how close to goal she was, I would get jealous. I also get jealous when I read posts from members who are trying to lose only 10 or 15 pounds. I have 100+ to go. But I'm also a grown up, and I know that their struggles are just as real as my struggle and they need support just like I do. I will miss Joanne's posts, because though I was jealous, it also was encouraging to see that it could be done. I will also miss hearing her zany work stories and seeing her cheer the rest of us on. Like Pickle, I support Joanne's decision to leave. It's her decision.

And the censoring thing. I'm not a fan of censorship, however, it's no secret that these boards are moderated. I watch my language here, censor myself, because I respect the other members and moderators. I judge by other posts what is acceptable and unacceptable. If I could make one suggestion though, it would be to post or link to the rules somewhere obvious. When all this started, I went looking for them, and I haven't found them.

So what now? We go forward. We support each other like we always have. We ask for support from each other like always. We make smilies :D. We don't eat the Reese's no matter how good they look.

------------------
JulieK


read all about me at:
http://www.geocities.com/s000905

John,

I am sure it is no secret that there have been others that have left because we didn't "support them" goal, not at goal.. Timmi, Wendy, Goal Girl, ummmmm... used to come here all the time and now frequent almost never because they have moved on with their lives... Which is fine. I watched Timmi reach goal and she has been there for quite a while and I think it's just great!

I think it's an inspiration when someone reaches goal! OH! OH! Mel has reached goal and she comes in all the time and she is just an AMAZING woman! She went from needing to lose a fair amount to being able to walk faster and further than the vast majority of us can run! If that isn't awesome, I don't know what is. Heck, there are a few here that are really close to goal and each of them are amazing people..

Once you graduate from high school, most people don't go back to class, they move on with their lives and move on to different way s to improve themselves because isn't that what life is about? Improving yourself constantly. That is why most people at goal go on their way, not because we give them the cold shoulder.

Of the people I have known here for years, I don't think any of us have any reason to feel ashamed of how we have treated anyone!

Pamela: I agree with you about the support!

JulieK: You're a funny lady! Did Pickle actually leave? Why isn't anyone upset about that?! *sigh*

Unfortunately, I think the point I was trying to make was taken too defensively and was *completely* missed.

Thine,
Corinna


------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

Hey I agree JulieK does rock..hehee
and u are okay to NIP/Corinna..LMAO
:)

------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

First of all, I'd like to thank Corinna for the kind words.

Second, I would like to say that I can't ever remember feeling unwelcome at DT because I was at goal. I think anyone who has lost any amount of weight knows how hard it is to keep it off. We still need support. But also I remember being one of the newer members here (2 1/2 yrs. ago) and looking forward to talking to some of the members who had been around for a while. Some were at goal, others weren't. But I was interested in hearing about the ones that were at goal or just about there. Their experience and their struggles and concerns helped me along the way and helped me to face certain problems as they came up. So if I can do that for someone else now that I'm there (some of the time, lol), that would be great.

I remember being in chat one day with several other people and someone new came in. The new person asked us all how much weight we had to lose. The others answered and I didn't say anything. Then they asked me directly and I said I wasn't trying to lose anything more. And they said 'then what are you doing in here?' And I told them that I had lost 87 lbs. and that was trying to maintain that loss. And the others in the room immediately replied that I was 'one of them' and had every right to be there. That was the only time I was ever questioned about it. Everyone here is family. Including Joanne. I don't think her being at goal is the real reason for her leaving. I think everyone was really happy for her when she lost her extra weight. It's always great to hear that someone made their goal. Before or after me.

I really wish all this would be put to rest. Hurt feelings only serve to pull us down. And we're here to help each other.

>>>John writes ... "Everyone.. How does it feel that some you have become the people you have complained about for years? The person who throws a wrench in your positive attitude."<<<

Well, my-oh-my ... it seems the person who has deleted threads and chastised members for being to critical of others now seems to be spreading his own form of criticism.

This is nothing but naked hypocrisy.

Mel: Very well put! And I meant every word I said about you and all the ones I editted because I would have written a novel. ;)

Righter of Wrongs: Now, now.. Let's not go insulting John. He feels like he lost a friend because of this. He is allowed an opinion too. You are allowed to disagree, but you slammed him, which is in poor form.

Lots of hurt feelings here.. The people whose messages were editted, threads deleted, those accused of censorship, blah blah blah.. I love this site, as do most regular users.. Let's agree to disagree.. us to not slam in posts and the moderators to give out warnings or just locking threads instead of deleting them.. There is a solution to this.. I know there is!

Let's all stand in a circle, hold hand and sing Kum Ba Ya.

Corinna



------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

Jeez!
I thought you'd never ask!

Ok, everybody, stand up and make a circle!

(ahem)
"Kum By Yah, ma lord, Kum By Yah....(Everybody!)
"Kum By Yah, ma lord, Kum By Yah..."
"Someone's snacking, ma lord, Kum By Yah..."


(Would the next poster please pick up the next verse?)

Dos cracks me up...
thats all she cracks me up...
:)

I think you should close this thread I don't want to sing kum ba ya...

ESPECAILLY if there is snacking involved...


------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

Yes, Pamela.. Or at least let's get back to John's topic of how we treat people differently at goal. Most of us have had our say for the other subject. Let's let it die. Either the point was missed or taken. It could only go downhill from here.

John has the right and has given the right to the moderators to monitor the boards. Just as we have the right to speak up when things are unjust. Let's move on with more positive things. :)

Corinna

And yes, Dos is a funny lady. :D

------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

I think Corinna has a point about some of the people who get to goal moving on with their lives. Maybe they can't identify anymore with the people here who still have 20,50, or 100+ more pounds to lose. Maybe they don't need the support to maintain their weight. Who knows. The people who get to goal are a great example for us and I hate to see anyone leave.

John, why do YOU think we're not getting to goal? Sorry there aren't more of us using your goal board. It just sounded like you were being a little critical there. If I want critical I can visit my mother.

Pickle left? He's really funny and I'll really miss his posts here.

Aw man, Gep! You are a funny, funny lady! :D You are always good for a laugh! When you can become a comedian, you will only thank your mom and MIL for being so.. so.. "unique". Hehehehe!

Corinna

------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

Corinna, unfortunately the fact that I throw up if I have to talk in front of more that 3 people would hinder my career in the entertainment field.

hmmmmm...or would it..?

LOL.. You can puke on mom and MIL. If you have them in the same room, you can kill two birds with one ralph! :D

Corinna
*ahem*

------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

Woah! Who knew all of that was going on! I must be walking on the sunny side of the street with a cane and dark glasses!

I have said it before and I will say it agian...I dig dt and I am staying put through edits...no edits...salesman...goal reachers...whatever...I'm with dosflores...
dt members circle round...sing one verse of kum by yah...and row your boats a shore...let's get on with the main reason that we come here to be healthier and happier people. Hallelujah!

I don't care what anyone says...they won't be able to leave for long. I think we should still write posts to Pickle and Joanne. I know that they will be watching us :)

For what its worth...I love you guys :)

Traci

Interesting thoughts.

I have not had much problem this time around for the weight loss. But then I no longer have a full time job and am around mostly my hubby (who is thrilled) and my cat, who never cared what I weighed in the first place. However, I clearly remember 30 years ago, when after my huband divorced me I lost a bunch of weight and looked really good. I had a close girlfriend that I worked with and we even car pooled to work. She was very heavy, and got really bent out of shape when I got thin. It actually got pretty ugly at work and I ended up changing jobs. Several years later I ran into her again in a different work setting. I had gained back most of the weight and everything was fine. (Except I no longer trusted her.)

I know my mother (very very heavy) is starting to tell me I am too thin. (Hardly.) I haven't noticed a problem on DietTalk, but then I'm pretty much a newbie. I have noticed that the people and threads I tend towards are people that have had some success with their weight loss. I have always thought that I was a very supportive type person, and I really have a lot to offer as to why I've been successful this time when I failed in the past.

Also, I cannot think that I will be leaving here any time soon when I get to goal. That is only half the battle, keeping it off forever is even harder. (Been there, done that before.)

So, John, I want to thank you for this wonderful wonderful place. And I plan to keep on being around, posting and helping (which also helps me). I want to see that Senior DietTalker by my name and start a journal focused on maintainence.

Jo

Wow! How did this get pulled up??? A blast from the past!!!:laugh: