Hi everyone,

Ok.. DOH! I posted a post, got to the bottom, the screen updated and I lost my post. DOH! DOH! DOH! That's what happens when you lolligag.

Way back when I did some therapy (nothing intensive like our wacky friend Pamela), I was told that because of my alcoholic-familied upbringing and the general dysfunction of it all, I have a strong tendancy to repeat bad things over and over to myself. I was like "You mean that's not normal?" I mean for days or longer depending on what it is. I can function, so I am not obsessive compulsive, but it's a grounded memory for me. Like a few months ago when Dan and I had some problems, I still think about the email he wrote me and even though I don't hear it over in my head, I read it. The screen was blue, the letters yellow and it was one sentence. I made a few mistakes last week because I was sick, but it was still mentioned to me. So now I repeat it to myself. I did it all weekend. Still doing it today.

Ahem, my question for discussion is: Are there others who do it too? Was she right that most people do NOT do this? I guess I just want to know where i stand in the scheme of things.

Now, I will end this post before the screen updates! Heheheh ;)

Corinna


------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

I actually do this too, but I don't think it is normal (or at all healthy!). I was also raised in a very disfunctional alcoholic family (and I was physically abused as well). I'm pretty sure that this, amplified by the fact that I am naturally a perfectionist, is what causes this (at least in my case). Actually, I was pretty reassured when I read your post, because I've never met anyone else who does this either. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember, and I do this almost non-stop. It is especially bad when things are not going well in my life. It has a tendency to be repeated in time (to a beat) if that makes sense. I might repeat something that was said to me, but more often it is my own interpretation of a situation. "What have you done?" "What were you thinking?" "You are so stupid"(usually much more negative.) Or sometimes it's my own advice to myself, "Just try not to panic" "Stop it" "Don't make eye contact" ""Just keep walking" I repeat it over and over, and it usually takes awhile for me to realize I am doing it. Once I realize it, I tell myself to stop, and I try to focus on something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. If things are going well, this doesn't happen as often and when it does, it tends to be when I am embarrassed about something (thinking about social interaction with a guy I'm interested in almost always leads to this). However, when things aren't going so well (like now, when I am not happy at work and I'm fighting with my roommate) the talk is much nastier. It also intensifies when I am trying to make a decision. Again, the more important the decision, the harsher the talk. (Right now I am thinking about quitting my job and moving across the country-you should hear the things I'm saying to myself!) Occassionally I "talk to" myself in my head. Meaning it is more of a dialogue than a monologue, but this is not very common. When I do, it is usually just my concious self trying to stop the repeating.

I have some other very minor symptoms of OCD. I do some "counting" (When I am in the car I tap my foot everytime I pass an electric pole.) but again, I usually catch myself doing this and try to force myself to stop.

I have never been to any kind of therapy for any of this. I have read a little about OCD when after a guidence counsilor described some of my behaviors in a conversation about OCD. I am functional, I just have an incessant negative monologue going on the back of my mind. (The thoughts are NEVER positive-I only wish) I try to block it out, but more often than not, I can still hear it.

Well, now I have confessed one of my darkest secrets. I've never told this to anyone before. I suppose you all think I'm nutty, but there you have it.

I can relate. This is what I call "my head" LOL. I learned through 12 step programs to identify the difference between "my head" and my soul. My head thinks it can kill me off and go on without me :) Yes, I've learned to laugh at it! It takes lots of practice to reconstruct the patterns of thinking, and I had to learn to laugh at myself during those times when it snuck in anyway. Because of some of the intensive work I've done on myself, I know that deep down I am a good person...God don't make no junk...and I have had to LEARN to be positive with myself and others. There is a wonderful book called The Depression Workbook by Rosenthal (I think that's how it's spelled) that helped me tremendously with the process...that and my 12 step programs. This is not an easy road we trudge, but together we can do it!

------------------
Good thoughts be with you! ICQ# 733405
Robbie

Corinna just so ya know I ALREADY realized I am not ALONE in this NUT-CASE merry go round I am on..heheee

Like some of the others here I have a touch of OCD..I could tell you some stuff but dang doesn't everyone here already realize I GOT REAL ISSUES?..LMAO

I think you are right about the negative things too I got an entire list I can pull from of BURNED into my memory harsh hurtful things which have been said and done to me in my life Ican pull those out and see them or hear them like a VHS tape playing in my head like a FULL MOTION PICTURE THEATRE..And I myself get on a roller coaster of negative talk in my head which I refer to as the committee ( I stole that from something I read cause it was a great discription)...I want to do something positive but the "committee chimes in with...Okay go but everyone will laugh cause you are fat or ugly or stupid..Blah blah blah blah blah..Okay so you only hear your own voice in your head I got an entire committee..LOL
Lately I have been working on in the morning Affirmations as I have said and it really does help even if it is not entirely true when I say I am thin, or sexy, or Hot or smart..It is still nice to hear it even if it is only my voice..LOL
One last thing and I will shut up...I know I am alone in my somewhat alternative beliefs here ,..hehee but let me say one more thing about "Karma"I believe as do others that our own actions and "words and thoughts" set energy into motion, when these actions create discord or negativity then we ourselves have to deal with that discord in this life or another...if you create harmony then it create an empowerment of harmoneous energy either way your soul will be allowed to grow and learn to create responsibly...it is our choice how we choose to learn..hehee Sorry to slip off into the abyss..heheee

ANYWAY to make a long story longer yep I am a nutt too..LOL
:)

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN????


------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

Hi. I just had to post because I so feel for you guys. Isn't it funny how mad we can get at our mothers or spouses for a comment like, "Weren't you supposed to turn here?" or
"Is that on your diet?" or some other comment, when we ourselves are viscious in our self-talk!

When you find yourself saying horrible things to yourself, say aloud, "NO! Cancel that!" say it under your breath if you have to. Then say a positive affirmation. Example, if you say, "I am an idiot! I can't believe I just did that!" say, "No! Cancel that! I am a beautiful, intelligent woman, and I am always improving and doing my best."

It sounds simple, but it takes discipline. But the payoff is enormous! CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOU WILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

Another one that I use frequently when I am worried or repeatedly fretting about something, is called, "Take your mind off the problem and put your mind on God." I just start thinking about God. "God is infinite wisdom...God is unspeakable beauty...God is endless, unconditional love..." If you do not believe in God, you can try the old stand-by, "count your blessings."

I am not suggesting that further professional help may not still be needed, but it certainly can't hurt to regain control of your thoughts; they are your most powerful tool.

Love to you guys! Love, Heather

------------------
Never give up, Never give in! Stay the course day by day, You're sure to win!

Lots of good stuff in this thread. I have the negative head talk, too, but can control it better these days than days past. I posted a list of positive affirmations somewhere in here a while back of things that are good to read to yourself every day! Something I do for myself when I find myself really getting into the negative stuff is take a breather and litterally take deep breaths saying to myself "breathe in God" - "breathe out stress" (or whatever negative thing I'm saying to myself at the time) I actually had to do this last night... we had our first performance of the season and I was sitting there playing my heart out and things were going well despite my intense nervousness. Well, our first song has a lot of page turning in it and I don't do well with "page turners", so I always do it myself and when I flipped to the end of the song last night, I accidentally flipped one page too many and ended up looking at the first page of the 2nd song! YIKES!!!!! So I faked it until I was able to get my last page back and jump in. No one but the director noticed, but I immediately started in with the "you have no business being a pianist" "what made you ever think you could do this" "I always make mistakes" "dumb, stupid"..... etc. etc. etc. Well, before we started the second song, I took a couple of deep breaths and got a grip, told myself that I could play anything I put my mind to and what a gift that was. The director looked at me and asked me "are you alright" and I looked at him and could honestly say YES! And the rest of the performance went beautifully! Good thing I nipped it in the bud or I could have talked myself into being the worst pianist on the planet! We would never say the kinds of things we say to ourselves to other people! Why do we insist on being insulting and abusive to ourselves!!! I for one am working very hard on this because I know how damaging it is to my self esteem. And for me if I have low or no self esteem then I'm not going to be successful at much else in this life either. We can all do this!!!! We are worth it!!! And we can help each other get there! Thanks for this post and all the great replies! The honesty that people are willing to share is great!

------------------
Here's to healthy and happy!

Dj

Ok... I don't do what y'all are describing, but I have studied it. I have a degree in psychology but I am not practicing and am by no means a professional in this area... but here's my two cents worth anyways. What you are describing IS an obsession. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) doesn't always demonstrate itself through activities like are commonly heard about (hand washing, etc). The word compulsion describes actions like that, but the word obsessive describes thoughts. These repetitive negative thought patterns are not healthy at all. I strongly suggest that each of you that has been experiencing this seek assistance from a professional therapist. You don't have to live life this way! You're worth the effort it takes to overcome this!

------------------
JulieK


read all about me at:
http://www.geocities.com/s000905

All these replies are so beautiful! I just want to add something about respecting our fat, too. For one reason or another, we needed to overeat. No one does that because they are happy and well-balanced. It was our way of trying to survive. So our fat, in a way, represents that we love ourselves and were just trying to do the best we knew how to take care of ourselves. We are changing becuase now we are finding other ways. This is true not only the fat issue, but all that we do. So next time we feel like scum, let's pull out that compassion instead! It breaks my heart to see you wonderful people (me included!) be so hard on yourselves!

------------------
Joni

Wow! It is good to know that I am not alone! It definately gets worse when I am stressed (now, especially). I guess mental illnesses don't ruin everyone's life, right? Ugh. I am SO quick to dismiss something as the problem. There is never a problem, just me as completely messed up. If there is a problem, there is a solution and I always think that it is just *me*. Excuses go with problems before a solution in my head and i don't have an excuse.

I know I have mentioned this to some about how I hear and I mean I ALWAYS hear "There is ALWAYS an excuse with you". My father said that to me all of the time growing up. I was even saying it to myself this morning.

Ok. I always dismiss whatever I am going through as not important enough to address.. But this is something that I do NOT want to pass on to my kids. I also guess the D in OCD is disorder, not illness. I need to tackle it.

Thanks for the vent, everyone. I should read this at home because I am almost crying here. It's quite the dirty little secret of mine because I am kinda telling myself "they don't understand and don't care so shut up". http://www.diettalk.com/uub//frown.gif

Corinna

------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

JulieK I agree and have a string of shrinks too..hehee There is no shame in that..and a couple of em even have a few good ideas..LOL
:)

------------------
Pamela
-------------------------------------
Live!! This is not a Dress Rehersal!!

Cory, what a great way to share, first of all look at all the people who are thinking "I am not alone now" you are so brave it is hard to admit we are all screwed up (me especially) now the question is how do we not pass it on to our children??? I am theraphy right now dealing with being a child of an alchoholic's and also abuse from a close friend when i was younger....these are hard things but the more i work it threw the more i realize...i had no control over these things...they are apart of me...and they make up who i am ...just need to learn to deal with the triggers that send me to food for comfort...i do not choose drugs or alcohol as my choice drug i choose food but why??? was it because i was so young??? who knows....i have a long way to go...but i am getting there...as for the ocd...i do not have that but ready...my husband does....it is hard but he has found great comfort in taking medication each day it helps him to seperate the thoughts from the soul as someone said...i also have learned to deal with him when he gets going he is very safty concus which is annoying at times...but i have learned not to be sucked in by him....i just tell him this is your issue not mine...he needs to figure it out....i hope it helped...he did find alot of information on the net on the disorder....if you want to talk you know where to find me ....big hug Dina

I agree with alot of what's been said here, but I don't think that everyone who has negative self talk needs therapy to over come it. There's a lot of varying degrees to all mental illness and I think there are ways to deal with it on your own. Some people have negative self talk as a result of growing up with people who have talked negatively to them all their lives. Some people have negative self talk as a result of poor or low self esteem and that isn't OCD. As I work on my self esteem, the negatives are replaced by postives.... it's a process just like learning to eat healthy is. Just my two cents worth......

------------------
Here's to healthy and happy!

Dj

Thanks DJ! I think that is how I am. But I also think I may need help in the right direction. :)

I am feeling better now and want Dan to read this so many he can understand what I am going through a little better.

Corinna
I also feel better because I thought something I couldn't get out of easily is easier.. I worry about things until I find solution, which may not be healthy either.

------------------
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."

No problem, Corinna. I think you are a great person that might just need a little work on her self esteem. There's no shame in that either..... I know one thing.... you work too much and much too hard! I think you need some more "down" or relax time and that doesn't mean at home doing laundry or running after children either. I know you love your kids and your hubby.... time to start loving yourself, too. We all do.... and we have great judgment!!! Take it from us.... you are very lovable!

------------------
Here's to healthy and happy!

Dj