Does anybody feel like there are a lot of people out there who secretly wouldn't mind if you flunked your diet (or any endeavor for that matter) and gained your weight back?

My mom and my husband -- well (though I love them dearly) I think they try to help me fail on a diet. My mom is always trying to feed me something even though I beg her not to offer.(She thinks that food=love) Much of the time it wears on me til I do finally give in and that just validates her "offering".

Hubby, on the other hand, just brings the forbidden stuff in the house and parades it right in front of my nose! He can take it to his office. But NOOOOOOOO, it has to come here -- When he knows how hard I'm trying.
He knows my record around junk food!

Then, when I give in, I get one of those "pep talks" on how he thought I was on a diet and what am I doing giving in.
Even when we're at a party, he'll call attention to everything I eat in the car after we've left. No support!

Talking to him does absolutely no good. He cant see where he's hurting me. I've tried every dead honest angle I can think of. Trust me, it's like talking to a brick wall!

I swear I think he's doing this on purpose at some level in his brain to taunt me!

Then the whole darn control issue just gets reinforced (which is the reason that all the psychologists told me I eat in the first place) which makes things even harder.

Makes me soooooooo mad and frustrated!

How do I break this darn cycle and go on my merry diet way?

Divine

ps. Sorry for the typos. I'm typing emotionally.

------------------


[This message has been edited by DivineK (edited 01-05-2001).]

This is a HUGE issue with me because my 2 best friends are also very overweight. What I decided to do is not tell them I'm dieting! I simply eat healthy, they don't even notice! I did not tell a soul this time, only you DT folks, which is why I NEED YOU so badly! So far so good. There is no one watching me, no one waiting in the wings with donuts, no one to tempt me or be envious of me or resent me, etc etc etc etc etc. So far its going really well...no pressure, I am truly doing this for ME!

------------------
Joni

Let them flaunt their food. No one but you puts the food in your mouth and you are strong enough to say "no thank you". We will always be around food and food pushers and have to learn to deal with it. Dieting isn't like quitting drinking and smoking since we cant give up food forever. There also isn't anything wrong with having the one donut or the one serving of chips. Have them in moderation without binging and maybe you won't miss them so much.

------------------

I agree with both of you that it can feel at times that people, subconsciously or otherwise, do not want to see us succeed.

I have a great friend who is a large woman herself and mentions often wanting to lose weight. She knows I'm working on eating healthier, and when we meet for lunch or dinner, she inevitably either wants to order appetizers to share or asks me what I'm having for dessert.

I have tried the "telling no one" and I've tried the "telling everyone." I'll be interested to hear other's suggestions on ways to deal with it.

I can say that I'm trying to take the word "diet" out of the equation and I have found using the term, "eating healthier" has helped. This is not a temporary fix, it is a change that has to happen ongoing for life.

As for your hubby bringing things right into your face, I'm sorry to hear that. I am sure he is trying to help when in reality, that way can be more damaging to us emotionally.

Good luck to you in your journey.

Hugs,
Roxie

------------------
Hugs~n~stuff,
Roxie

Wow, I can relate to this! My hubby was kinda the same, until I had a long talk with him. He is the "COOK" around our house, (lucky for me, LOl), but always wants me to "just try a bite" of everything he makes! He's so proud of his creations and just wants to know that others like them too, lOl!! But, it only makes it harder for me, cause how can I have "just a bite" and then not want to have another and another! I explained this and he has gotten better, although still does it occasionally. Part of me also thinks that he unconsiously doesn't want me to lose the weight. He made a comment once about after I lose it I'll go looking for someone else, "that's what women do" he said. His ex cheated on him and he caught her in the act so he has trouble with the whole trust issue. He's gotten alot better with that too, but still acts jealous sometimes. Ok, what am I rambling about?

Anyway, guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Do your best to ignore these "sabatagers" (spelling?)and if that doesn't work, lay it on the line!! Tell them to STOP, because this is about your health, and well-being. Good luck.

Bekka




------------------

Devine the same thing happened to me so many times I can't begin to count them! Now, in my old age :D, I have come to realize that most of it stems from fear. Fear of change.
People get used to you one way and they are afraid if you change you'll be different! For instance my dear departed husband. He was 13yrs. older than me, married twice to attractive women who cheated on him. He was "comfortable" with little fat me. THEN...I got thin and all he did for the rest of our time together was accuse me of cheating on him! Not because I wasn't still just myself but I was myself in a new "unfarmilar" body.
This will happen Devine so you just have to try and deal with it and go on..doing the best thing for you whether anybody likes it or not. Hang in there and don't give in an don't give up!
ON TO VICTORY! :)
Babs

------------------

You know, Babs, you bring up another part of this: the same person in an unfamiliar body. This is something that WE have to deal with too once we get near our goal. It is hard to make changes, even positive ones. When I lost tons of wt a few years ago I started getting really angry and cynical at the attention I started getting and how sales people treated me SO much differently. We need support now, but we'll need it after July too! (note that optimism about July there???)

------------------
Joni

Joni, absolutely, July is just around the corner!

I totally understand about the sabotage thing. I'm like Jodi, I haven't told a soul I am dieting. I just don't want to talk about it, and I don't want people monitoring my progress. It was nice when I went home to visit and a few people asked if I had been losing weight, but I just shrugged it off and said I'd been running around like crazy. (So what if I was talking about a treadmill!) I just hate the way people look at me when they know I'm dietting, or the advice they offer. And if I do slip, I hate feeling like everyone thinks I have no will power. I don't know if it's sabatoge, or what. But I just keep it to myself!

------------------

Do you know what the hardest part of keeping the weight off for me is? Once it's off and everybody has seen you the ohs' and ahs' are over and I don't feel "special" any more! Am I nuts or what????
ON TO VICTORY! :)
Babs

------------------

Babs,

I can relate to what you say about the ohhs and ahhs..... I lost 60 pounds (three years ago and have only gained 30 of it back,,,) and loved the attention that I got.... I got tons and tons of ohhs and ahhs..... and I loved it.... but then when they stopped I had no motivation to keep the weight off and started eating again....... thus gaining back 30 of the sixty.. then I lost the 30 last year and once again it is back.... but I loved the attention that I got when I was weighing less........... I am looking forward to getting those ohhs and ahhss again......

------------------
FozzieBear

~FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION~

DevineK I know just how you feel on this one. My husband also does the same to me. He will eat candy bars and want to take me out to dinner ( at places that I am to weak to order diet food). When we diet together he is so focused on his own progress he is of no support to me. If I say I lost 5 he says he lost 6. Drives me nuts. Wish I could offer you some suggestions but I will be reading what other people suggest to you cause we are in the same boat on this one. Take care and be strong. Susan

------------------

I understand how that is when your hubby or boyfriend brings food that you should not have in to the house OR when he thinks I should be eating the same as before. Than he says ( What is with you lately your not eating ) OR when he trys to make my plate of food. I tell he every day that I am trying to lose weight. I think my kids understand better than him....

so lately I just start putting it in the trash in front of him.... and reminding him that I am on a lifestyle change.

Stay kool http://www.diettalk.com/uub//cool.gif Tami

------------------

Fozzy and Babs, you really hit on something. When I was in the process of losing 75 pounds (all of which is back) I asked a friend who had just lost l00 what his #l advice to me would be. He said "Find some way of keeping yourself motivated after all the attention disappears" I shrugged it off then....I won't this time!

------------------
Joni

I relate - its little things that people do -my dh handing me a coke instead of a diet - my co-worker insisting we go to a burger joint for lunch - it gets frustrating.

My dh learned the hard way about the pep talks though - I do not do well when I feel pressured. At one point he lectured me for eating some Oreo's - I ended up eating the whole box "just to spite him" - not smart I know.

I think one thing that is different this time is that I realize that stunts like that don't hurt anyone but me - and most of all that it is up to me to control myself I am the one who is in control of the food that comes into my body.

I like the addict analogy - an alcoholic has to deal with people drinking around him and offering him alcohol - and learning to say no. For me I have to learn to say no to that extra food.

Does any of that make sense??

Gen

------------------
If we use our minds and take a step at a time we can do anything -that we want to do!

Weight Loss Pages (http://www.diettalk.com/home/genh/)
My Home Page (http://www.silk.net/gen/)

Gen,

You really hit a good point. Can't tell you how many times that scenerio has played out at my house. I guess the thing I have to learn is that I can't ever control what hubby is going to do or say. The only thing I have control over is me. Still doesn't make it any less frustrating tough.

------------------

I have the same problem! When I grew up, my mother would comfort herself with food. It was something that I started doing at a young age, elementary school in fact. I was always self conscious about how I looked and I would get depressed. My solace was eating. My mom would get stressed about things happening in her life, she would eat. To celebrate, we'd eat. Any occasion, we'd eat. She still does this today, to a lesser degree but she still does the small binges.

My husband also likes to eat fatty, junk food. When he goes to the store with me, I know I won't make it through the week without tearing into the Cheetos he gets. And that is exactly what happened this week. I've decided I'm going to have to get him to help me resist temptations and stick to it this time. I understand that many husbands try to undermine their wives efforts because they want to keep things the way they are. I don't thing my husband would do that. He is very supportive if I really want him to be. My question is for those of you who do have supportive husbands, what does your husband do to keep you true to your goal in the weak moments? I just want to know what has helped you so that when I talk to my husband about this, I can give him examples of what he can do to help.

------------------

Oh I can definately agree with you. Take my husband for instance(and he is getting better Woohoo) but he would also bring the fattening foods into the house and taunt me with them and If I ate one he did the same thing about throwing the whole diet thing up in my face.
My mother everytime I go down to her house she is offering my stuff and I tell her No I am on a diet and she is like well you have to eat. So I am like yes I have to eat but I have to eat healthy and she snorts.
My best friend(who is overweight) she always wants us to go out and eat dinner with her and If I tell her I need to go some where that has a choice of healthy foods she says Oh come on this one time will not hurt you.
Are they doing this on purpose? My hubby has never had a weight problem so I don't think he does, My mother and my friend have had and my friend currently has a weight problem so are they trying to sabotage? My mother I don't think so but my friend I am almost positive is... *SIGH* But I am stronger than that. Jeni

------------------

You know, I am embarassed to admit I've been the sabotager(?) before. I've tried to get dieters to eat with me. When I saw them eating well and feeling in control it made me feel bad, guilty, out of control, like a pig and that I should be doing it too. Misery loves company! I will never EVER do that again!

------------------
Joni

As so many other I have not told anyone that I am on diet (well this is only my 6th day, but still). And my plan is not to tell anyone. The reason is very simple in last three years I have tried to lose this weight that I am going to lose now and in both occasions my friends have "ruined" the diet for me. I know that part of the blame is on me but these two friends of mine... I have agreed to start some kind of exercise with both of them. The first time it was going to the gym and second time we started going to swimming.

Looks innocent... two friend (other one fat and other one skinny) doing some kind of sport to became healthier. Except that in both occasions it turner out that we first went to the gym/swimming and then to eat in some fast food restaurant... You can guess what then happened to my diet... it was gone and forever. That is why this time I will not tell a soul. Except all of you! ;)

The lucky thing at the moment is that two of my best friends are both skinny but an other one is recovering anorectic and the other has never tried to get me eat fast food or anything. She has always been very supportive. So when they will notice I am fairly sure it all will be fine.

But yes, friend and family can sometimes do real harm for your plan to lose weigh and I believe that sometimes they do not even know it or the reason is hidden somewhere so deep in their subconscious that they really do not know why they are doing what they are doing.


------------------
Anu
246/241/134

I'm not sure that I look at this quite the same as many of you. I have a very addictive, obsessive, personality it seems! When I was a young girl, I obsessed about homework (good!!!). Then when I was 14, I became a smoker. Never just an occasional or light smoker, but a pack a day smoker, and two packs/day on party days! At 16 I started partying. Rarely did I ever go out and just have ONE drink. I might add that I looked at food at this point in my life as something you did to survive. I never lived to eat, and was very slim.

Eleven years ago (this coming Monday) I gave up cigarettes cold turkey, and have never had one touch my lips since. In July of that same year, I decided that my partying was getting stupid, and that someone my age with young kids, should settle down and set a good example. I made the decision to never drink again, and I havent. It's been nearly 10 years. So I substitued smokes for drinks, and drinks for food......

I know I'm rambling here and I apologize. My point is, when I quit smoking and drinking, it was still always there around me. Everywhere I went. If I had decided to give in, and start again, it would not have been anyone else's fault! It would have been mine, and only mine! The same goes for living healthy. If I don't drag myself out of bed at 5:30 am on workdays to workout, whose fault is that? If I choose to go out for lunch and order a burger instead of a salad, just because my co-workers did, whose fault is that? Until we all sit up and take ownership for our own problems, we'll never succeed in my opinion. It's easy to say I want to lose weight, I want to be fit, I hate being fat... but then we have to DO something. Actions speak much louder than words (and help you get fit too!)

I'm hoping my new obsession will be eating healthy and exercising! ;)

------------------
Regards,
Big Bones (Bev)

Bev's Blob Blog (http://www.inhormoney.com/blob/blogger.html)

bevisnot@home.com

"Minutes at the table don't make you put on weight - it's the seconds."

AMEN TO THAT, BIG BONES!!!!!!

BEKKA

------------------

That was great Big Bones, really great! I liked it a lot! You are so very right! We are in control of what we put into our mouths and we are responsible for the way we look, no matter how much we hate it, so let's do something about it to change it once and for all, we can do it!

Neek, I have told my husband that I don't want him offering me anything, he is dieting too so I guess that helps, but he can be a bit too easy to give in, so I always ended up giving in with him, especially when we go out and eat out. I told him I did not want to eat any fatty stuff, I made a list of all the things he was not supposed to ever offer to me, he is doing great for me and himself. If I go, mmmmmmm, Burger King, he goes, NOT ALLOWED! LOL... I like it when he is supportive.

:D

------------------
My Personal Webpage (http://www.geocities.com/massiel25.geo)
ingridosburn@primus.com.au

DT Family Album (http://www.geocities.com/dtfamilyalbum)

Username: Diettalkers
Password: dtfamalb


~Here's to eating right and living longer~
Massielita

Hubby is dieting with me this time too, and it sure makes it easier. I used to have to watch him sit around in the evenings chowing down on whatever he wanted (even though he had just as much to lose as me)... it didn't make me want to eat, as much as it just plain ticked me off... the inconsideration of it! http://www.diettalk.com/uub//rolleyes.gif

------------------
Regards,
Big Bones (Bev)

Bev's Blob Blog (http://www.inhormoney.com/blob/blogger.html)

bevisnot@home.com

"Minutes at the table don't make you put on weight - it's the seconds."

[This message has been edited by Big Bones (edited 01-08-2001).]

I really can't say I have any problem with anyone trying to sabotage my diet. People if anything are very supportive of me. They see how much better I feel and look. I don't think they want to take that away from me. Also they are very interested in how I did it. As for my husband??? He's following the plan as well so we are very supportive of one another. I guess you can say I'm one of the lucky ones.

------------------
bougiej@hotmail.com

Divine! I know that must be frustrating! Would you like to talk to someone at the show Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus about the topic of sabotage? We are looking for guests to appear on the show with their spouse and talk about how their diets are sabotaged. Please call Melanie at 310-479-6863 or e-mail at melanie_bomar@spe.sony.com Thanks! -Melanie

Wow A Talk Show :)
Go Girls :)
I should have read this thread along time ago.....
I posted the Please Be Honest With Me....Am I wrong to feel this way?
It was about how Tim ( my sweetie ) is boing so unsupportive, and just don't seem to get it, no matter how many ways or times I explain it to him.
I got many postive/supportive posts there to help me.
I see by reading this thread that I am farrrr from being alone in this situation.
I wonder if it is a self -esteme issue with many people who try to stop us from succeeding with our weight loss.

Something I have been thinking about lately... could it be that non over weight people HONESTLY "don't get it?".
I kept thinking - Tim is not a mean person, he has stood by me through a lot, and yet why is this sabotage happening?
I wonder..................
Again thanks for the posts ladies - they have been a huge help to me.
Jade
One Day At A Time and One Pound At A Time

Definitely! But once you know they do it you should fight them big time on it! My husband makes me weak, but now that I know he does, I made it into a "let's see who wins" game, if I lose, I really feel like a loser, LOL... so I don't lose!

------------------
My Personal Webpage (http://www.geocities.com/massiel25.geo)

DT Family Album (http://www.geocities.com/dtfamilyalbum)

Username: Diettalkers
Password: dtfamalb


~Keep trying! Keep losing!~
Massie